Happy New Year on the East Coast

I'm getting tired.....but, it's the New Year on the East Coast!! 2 Corinthians 5:17 New International Version (NIV) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Not Gonna Fight It

I get a text from Mister, "Not drinking and I still love you."

He was basically making reference to the other day when he texted that he loved me. My initial response was, "are you drunk?" He confessed that he had been drinking, but that wasn't the reason for him telling me. Of course I think the alcohol had a little bit to do with it, also I think it was a bit of the holiday season. It can bring out a little melancholy spirit for those of us who are "lonely" and he had told me before that he was lonely. I caught a little bit of the "bah humbug" bug myself, but I got over it and had an okay Christmas. Now the New Year is here in about an hour and a half....so I texted him back that he made me SMILE. In which he replied, "You have a beautiful smile. Wish I could see it." So, I facebooked him a pic of me smiling. It wasn't the best pic espcially since my hair was all over, but my smile was cute. I then deleted it. I hope he didn't download it. So, while chatting with him, I decided I was gonna clean...actually, I was gonna clean earlier, but I was too lazy.

While cleaning I turned on my "sad love songs" playlist on youtube. Actually, I took all the sad sad ones out and just listened to love songs and a few other "pick me up" songs. For some reason my playlist got stuck on Ledisi Bravo.

It just played over and over and over and over. I wanted it to go on and play Daley Alone Together, but it kept playing Bravo. Finally, I just let it play. Apparently, now is not the time to be sad about love, I need to "celebrate." So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna be sad because I don't have anyone. I gonna go into the new year happy. If I stay up or not, I'm gonna be happy.  So, I'm not gonna fight the happiness. I'm just gonna let it play.....

Excitement

I was trying to post this entry using my new Smart Phone--the AT&T Fusion, but for some reason it wouldn't let me, so I went to work to get my laptop.....

But yesterday I was so excited about the new year. I've been bummed out lately--my car being stolen along with my laptop and other stuff, being sued, having no money, blah, blah, blah....and I wasn't ready for the new year. I was feeling down about the new year coming, but yesterday, my spirit changed. I'm sure it was God because I couldn't manufacture those emotions and now I'm ready. I'm not down anymore. I'm broke, but happy to close this year out. So, I couldn't post about my excitement, but I needed to tell somebody, so I texted Mister to tell him.

Yes, I've been chatting/texting with him lately. I'm not so happy about that, but I have been. The other day he texted me to tell me he loved me. I called him to tell him that I loved him too. No, I'm not gonna get with him. I'm not even IN LOVE with him, but I do love him.

Anyway, tomorrow is the new year and I thank God for making it this far. I'm going to take charge of my life and stay focused in 2013. It can only get better!!

*Post Script* I'm even more excited now because I just checked my bank account and I have enough money to get me some sparkling cider to toast in the New Year!!  THANKS YOU, JESUS!!

At the Mercy of the Court

I went to the courthouse to see who was suiing me. It's my bank that owns my car loan. I guess they sent me a letter in the mail, but because I don't get mail where I live, I never received it. They are suing me for the balance of my car and for their attorney fees of $500. They opened the case on November 26. I have since spoken to the bank manager twice and he has never mentioned it. As a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with him because my plan was to make a payment today. Why didn't he tell me he was suing me? WOW!! So, I wrote him a letter explaing my situation--being homeless, not having work, no health insurance, etc. I'm $63,000 in debt. And I NEED my crappy car to do my job. What am I gonna do if I don't have a car? I can't do my job. So I won't have a job. I'm gonna show up at court on Wednesday and let them know my situation. My goal is to have my car paid off by the end of February. That's if I pay about $500 per paycheck. I do'nt know what else to do.....

Nooooo, I'm not ready.......

The end of the year is coming too FAST. I'm not ready. And I can't stop it from coming. What am I going to do??? I'm sitting at my desk fighting back tears. I'm just sad and I know I need to just "get over it." My life isn't horrible, just in a little shambles. And I'm doing what I can to rebuild. I have a fulltime job, a nice place to live, a car and food in the refrigerator. I have my health and my mental faculties. Life is GOOD!! So, why do I feel so bad? Why am I letting money make me feel so bad? There is nothing I can do about the past, so why am I letting it make me feel like this? The only thing I can do is do better from here. I can't change what HAS ALREADY HAPPENED!! Get OVER IT!!! I need to prepare the for new year--emotionally. I don't work on Monday, so I'm grateful that I will have the time to get myself together.

End of the Year

Two years ago, I was living with a friend, totally broke. I didn't have two nickles to rub together (not sure where that saying comes from. LOL). Life is considerably better, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I still in MAJOR debt and owe $2500 on a car that needs MAJOR repairs, but despite it all, I am better than I was two years ago this time. I'm always reflecting on how I can get better and now is the time for me to GET OUT OF DEBT. My debt to income ration SUCKS big time. I've got a $50,000 in student loans and I only make $30,000 a year. That's upside down and backwards. So, I've got to get my rear in gear and make some more money, pronto. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey and he's a great motivation, so for 2013 I'm really going to buckle down and tackle this debt. I HAVE GOT TO!!!

No more Bah humbug

I wasn't in the mood for Christmas when I left work today. Especially since I left my food gift certificate at wotk. Dag, I can't go get my BBQ. However, when I started cooking and cleaning I really got into it. I fixed chicken stir fry with broccoli and brussel sprouts. Then I baked the corn bread for my dressing and made plans for the rest of the food. I really got into the Christmas spirit. Tomorrow morning, I gonna have mini breakfast quiche's with mimosas. The dinner menu has been modified Chicken/Veggie Stir Fry Chicken/Sausage Dressing Mashed Potatoes Sweet Potatoe Turnovers

I WANT TO CRY!!!!

I'm working onto a grant proposal for the NP I volunteer for. While working I realized that I've done all the work and I was mostly finished, but it's all gone because my laptop was stolen.  AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH. I really don't want to try to recreate all that work. OMG.

What am I doing for Christmas?

OMG....Christmas is coming and I don't have any plans. I don't know what i'm going to do or eat. I know I want to go see a movie, but I've been watching yahoo movies website and nothing seems interesting. I've been asked to go bowling and I think I"m going to do that, but I haven't made any plans to eat. I want the traditional....turkey, dressing, lasagna, but I don't have all that money. I've got a turkey breast in the freezer, but it's not the best. I had one for Thanksgiving and there is still left overs of it in the fridge (I'm sure I need to throw it away now.) I have a $10 restaurant.com gift card that I think I will use for PT's BBQ. They smoke turkey legs, so I think I'm gonna get a turkey leg, and some BBQ. Then I will make some cornbread dressing. I think I want some beans too. But, I really, really want some lasagna or some really good mac and cheese. What I made for thanksgiving was good with the lobster, but only after I doctored it up. I also want sweet potatoe pie.....Dag, I hate being broke :-( 

I'm thinking about what I have in the fridge and freezer.  I think I can make this as my Christmas dinner.  :

Smoked turkey legs
BBQ rib tips
Dressing w/Cranberry Sauce
Stir Fry noodles with brussels
Mashed Potatoes
Broccoli
Sweet potatoe turnovers

I'll have to wait on the lasagna.

No Poop Today

Yesterday was green poop. Today, no poop at all. What is going on with me? I'm sure it was the gigantic bowl of mac and cheese that I had at the restaurant party yesterday. She did say it was a lot, but I didn't think it was that much until I got it. And then it wasn't even good. I made mac and cheese for thanksgiving that was way better (and my thanksgiving mac and cheese was not all that great.) I had it put into a to go box and when I got home yesterday, I added lots and lots of cheese. They seem to have the same problem as me...not enough cheese in the rue. But, mine was better, especially since I didn't have to pay $8 for one bowl.  Now, I'm on a mission to poop. I need fiber and lots of it. I need to unclog these pipes.....

Post Script....I just fixed cabbage, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, and one chicken leg....Oh and a glass of coca cola.....

Here comes the poop....

Post Post Script...No poop yet, but I've got terrible gas. That's the cabbage doing it's job...

St. Patrick's Day Poop

Ack....my poop is green. I have NO IDEA why?? I at haven't eaten green veggies, food dyed green, or anything else green. As a matter of fact, I had onion rings, sausage and eggs yesterday. Yet, this morning I wiped and saw the bright green tinge on the toilet paper. I was shocked at first.  I just ate lunch and again, green tinge. Not dark brownish green, but green green. I racked my brain to remember what I ate and I remembered that I took some vitamins and airborne yesterday. As a matter of fact, I took a lot of vitamins:

D3, Cod Liver Oil, Calcium, Hair, Nails, Skin vitamins, B12 and an airborne tablet on yesterday. Maybe I'm taking too many vitamins. Especially D3.....

I'm gonna cut out the vitamins for a few days to see if that is the issue.

I feel fine....just scared of the GREEN POOP.

I'm being sued...

I don't know who is suing me. I just happened to look my name up in the circuit clerk's office and their was a case filed against me on November 26. WOW....There is no information just a small claims case.  What am I going to do??

I am $60,000 in debt and I have no money to pay anyone.  What am I going to do??

Sick to my stomach. I should be happy...

My car was recovered on yesterday....

I got a call from the police station around 4:15pm yesterday. They found my car. I was happy and sad at the same time.  YAY, they found my car.  yay, they found my evil car. I was nervous. The officer stated that there was no damage to the vehicle. I got there and I didn't see my car....

I saw a black car with tinted windows.

This was not my car. My car was not hoodified with tinted windows!

Then I looked inside....Oh, yeah it was my car.

WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY CAR??

All of my stuff was gone, but it was my car, now with horrible, horrible tinted windows. It was still dirty with the bird poop on it, but it was my car.

I didn't have the keys....actually I had no keys at all because the spare keys that I had was in my car, in my bag....UGH!!!  I should be happy right, I now have a car.  Right, I have a car, but now I have all the problems that come with it again, plus, the cost of getting new keys and NEW LICENSE PLATES. They stole my plates and put stolen temporary plates on my car.  WOW!!

The officer told me that they found my car because the driver was not wearing a seat belt so as the officer was driving past, they did a u-turn, the driver saw the officer u-turn and decided to flee. The driver turned the corner, quickly parked the car in a resident's driveway and fled the scene along with the other 3 people who were in the car. They caught the 3 passengers, but not the driver....

To be continued.....

Black Expo, Missing You, and Moving Forward

2012 has been about moving forward in my life. I am 35 years old and I've learned that living in the past can cause such a detriment. For some reason, it was in my spirit to watch the movie Beloved a few months and after watching it, I got it....Sethe couldn't move forward in her life because of her past. She couldn't, wouldn't let it go. It caused her depression, despair, heartache and pain....

I was reminded of this last night when I text Mister. I know, I know...why am I texting him? I was bored...I don't have a TV or a computer at home and it was 7:47pm and I wanted to go to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me. So we sparked a conversation about the end of the world, yada, yada, yada...then he started flirting with me..."but, can i get some T**** before it's all over, please" was his question in relation to the world ending in a few days. He then went on to say that it was vodka talking. Which caused me to ask about his drinking...he has been drinking a lot lately and that bothered me. He explained that this time in his life was like when he was in the army...he was alone and had no reason NOT to drink. Then he asked if I could be the reason that he cut back or even stop. From there I told him that there was no way that a person could change for someone else. "It never works," is what I told him. "B*llSh*t," he replied. "....women do most of all...Loosing our daughter changed me into an insensitive *sshole...."

WOW. I was speechless. I didn't realize that after 8 years, loosing our daughter was still eating him alive. I thought about Sethe. "She was my best thing...," Sethe said to Paul D. Sethe didn't understand that life didn't stand still on that tragic day...but it was still moving forward. Mister was experiencing the same depression, the same despair, the same heartache and pain. Yes, I get sad that our daughter is dead too, but I know that she is in heaven. I know that for sure. I know that...It doesn't haunt me. Yes, I want to have a baby and yes, I want to be mommy, but my heart is not broken. I'm not in pain...

So, here he is living in the past...won't let it go and I'm afraid for him. Not only am I afraid for him, I'm concerned about me because I continue the relationship. It's like I want to keep the connection because I want to help him, but I CAN"T. There is nothing that I can do for him, but pray. I can't help him get over the hurt. How do I move forward? I don't want this past relationship to stop me. I can't grow like that. I can't do what I'm supposed to do when I'm keep taking two steps forward and two steps backwards.

He invited me to the Black Expo. He even told me that his "slave" would not mind because she knows all about me. Yes, his SLAVE. I'm not sure how that works, but this woman has agreed to be his SLAVE. How could we be together?? Would I have to be his SLAVE?? He said the he'd change for me and I told him that in order for us to be together, I'd have to change. He agreed to that. But, what would that change be? I CAN NOT conceive in my mind how the modern day SLAVE relationship works. He's even changed her name. Well, not legally, but he calls her something different then her legal name. I know Brittany Spears sang the song, "I'm a slave for you..." but literally??

We ended our conversation with him saying that he missed me and that I could be his guest. I didn't want to admit that I missed him also. I do, but not really. I miss the intimacy and even the sex, but him...his ways, his ideology...his lifestyle of smoking, drinking, pot.... I'm such the opposite and not in a good, opposites attract type of way. I mean, I don't drink, I despise smoke of any kind and I refuse to be a slave....

How would that work?? I need to leave the past in the past...

 

27 Degrees

It's COLD OUTSIDE...and all I keep thinking about is my car. Whoever has it is having a hard time starting it, I'm sure....

Mobile Home

Two year ago, around this time, I was sleeping my car. Now my car--my mobile home--is gone...

Christmas just ain't Christmas

I have got to get out of this funk. What is wrong with me....



I have nothing to be sad about. I have my life, health, peace of mind.....but I still feel like this....

Holiday Blues

I was so excited for Thanksgiving!! I cooked and went to the movies.....I just enjoyed myself. But, for some reason I'm feeling blah about Christmas. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm going to cook, I don't know what I'm going to do....it's just blah.

I guess I need to make a plan!!

Ziploc Bag Full of Stuff

Ms. ******,

We found a ziplock bag with Tobacco Quitline cards and a variety of cards with your name, including this email address.  It was on the corner of Spring St. and Church St.

Please reply to let us know what to do with the bag and its contents.

**********

This was an email I got on yesterday afternoon.  WOW. The car thief put my things in a ziploc bag and threw it out. WOW. There was no ziploc bag in my car. Did he suddenly grow a conscious and decide that he didn't want to litter, so he bagged my things and threw them out. I'm just dumbfounded?? 

At first I was thinking that maybe the person who was emailing me was putting me on because who would do that?? I thought something was fishy, so I called the police and the officer had me forward the email to him then respond to this person asking them to turn it in to the police station. Sure enough I got an email and a call from the station saying that my things were turned in. WOW!

I wish someone would turn in my computer and my camera, and my backup drive, and my neice's gifts, and my laundry detergent and my bleach, and MY LUNCH BAG!!

I have got to do laundry, but I don't have any detergent. I've got to buy more detergent and I'm running a little short on funds. WOW!!

Who's Counting?

A series of unfortunate events....

2000 Apartment burglarized
Boom box and jewelry (including my class ring)

2001 Car burglarized
CDs stolen (door was unlocked and windows down)

2008 Apartment burglarized
Door kicked in on New Year's eve(I think it was a neighbor). DVD player and jewelry stolen

2009 Car burglarized
Window was busted out. They couldn't steal the car because it was a stick shift. There was nothing inside to steal.

2010 Robbed at gun point
Sitting in my car, a man came up, pointed a gun in my face and told me to give him my purse. I didn't have a purse with me, so I gave him my laptop.

2012 Car stolen
$1500 of technology (Laptop loaded with Windows Professional and other software, Kodak camera, Seagate backup drive) Christmas gifts, laundry detergent, and clothes were taken.

My Lunch Bag Was in That Car! Part 2

I was just able to get a new driver's license for $5. Thank You, JESUS!!! I called the rental car place, they said that all I need is my driver's license to pick up the car!! God has smiled on me!!! I don't know why He's good to me,but HE IS!! THANK YOU, LORD!!

My Lunch Bag Was in That Car!

I walked outside the church and it was gone....

I scratched my head, looked down the street. Hmmmm....where did I park my car? I thought I parked it right here, right in front of the door.

Then it hit me.....MY CAR WAS STOLEN!!!

I can't even describe the feeling. I was astonished, almost amazed....words escaped me. Then it hit me again, MY CAR WAS STOLEN!!!

The evil car, the car that was cursed, it was gone and I didn't know what to do. I went back into the building to tell Mr & Mrs Lewis. Mr Lewis was shocked...mad even. The police was called, but I still can't describe the feeling.

I laughed.

Not because it was funny but because I have this thing...

When I'm nervous, shocked, etc, I laugh. I don't cry, I don't get angry, I laugh. Most people find that disturbing. Why would I laugh???

I mean, over $1000 in equipment was just stolen along with my vehicle. Not to mention my wallet with my ID, a prepaid visa card, my niece's christmas gifts, my laundry detergent, and, and.....MY LUNCH BAG.

My new cute $2 lunch bag was in that car. I know, I know it's silly, but do you know what it's like to have something taken, STOLEN from you??  Even the $2 lunch bag means something. There is value to it because it was MINE!!!

I want to cry... I WANT TO CRY, but I can't. I don't know why?? I don't want to be sad, so I guess that's why I don't want to cry. I did tear up when talking to the insurance lady. She asked me about my personal effects in the car and as I was listing them my eyes water when I mentioned my niece's christmas gift that I was suppoed to mail to her. I teared up again when I got off the phone with the insurance lady and I saw that my sister's coats were still here in my office. I thought I had put them in the car. So, my sister was happy to hear that news.

My insurance company is covering the cost of a rental car. But, of course in order to get a rental car, I must have driver's license (which was in my car) and in order to get a new driver's license, I have to pay for it, but I have no license to go to the bank. I hope they will take my passport as valid identification.

*sigh*

The Bible says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all. Psalms 34:19...another translation says, "A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."

I Will Survive!!!

I had a meeting with my boss...who also happens to my my pastor's wife...who also happens to be a prophetess....who I really respect....Not just because she's a prophetess, but because she is a very wise, sound, stable person.

We were having a staff meeting and I told her that a lot of people have been asking about GED classes, so I said we can offer them in January. I expected her to say that was fine, but addition she said this....

"You may not agree with this or not, but you need to charge them,to attend the class."

I'm not gonna say whether I agree with her instruction or not, but I will say that my emotions started doing flips and flops and turns. I began to feel a lot of pressure.

The first thing that came into my mind was Queen "Pressure pushing down on me..."

   

But, I had to change my tune....Why am I pressured? God has gifted me. I know how to work hard to make this work. If I charge, I'm gonna be the BEST teacher!!! I'm gonna help a lot of people by the grace of God.


So, instead of Pressure...I now feel like this....

   

I'm excited!!!!  In addition to surviving I will thrive and be the best!!

Failure is an Event....Zig Ziglar 1926 - 2012

Failure is an Event, not a Person. Yesterday really did end last night....Zig Ziglar

I Promise to Take Care of Your Sew-in

I just attended a wedding....it was really sweet. They chose to write their own vows and read them off their ipads. Part of the wows, the groom said, I promise to take care of you and your sew-in from time to time. It was really funny and ssssoooooo cute.

I didn't stay for the reception, but I had a good time. I"m glad I went.

More cheese in the mac and cheese, please

I just finished cooking macaroni and cheese and potato cauliflower mash.  My mac and cheese needs more cheese. I didn't follow the recipe exactly because I didn't want to make a large batch, so I was playing around with the measurements and I think I used too much flour and too little cheese in my roue.  I wonder if I can just add more cheese if that will work.

My potato cauliflower mash is amazing. I roasted the cauliflower, roasted carrots and parsnips and boiled two potatoes. I blended it all together with almond milk and butter and it awesome. I will add garlic, onions and mushrooms on tomorrow.

I'm also gonna cook my lobster tail and steam my broccoli tomorrow to add to the mac and cheese. I will back my rum cake tomorrow also.  I would do it tonight, but I'm tired.

*Post script*  Broccoli and lobster in the mac and cheese is genius. The rum cake is baking in the oven. I didn't get Captain Morgan Spiced Rum this time, so I hope it turns out okay. I got Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum because it was $2 cheaper and the check out girl recommended it. But, it is really strong, I hope it doesn't mess up my cake.....

Emotions

Yesterday was an emotional day and I'm not even sure why?? I was fasting (my church fast on Friday's in November). And we had to work at a health fair....well, not really a health fair, but a Homeless and Veteran's Stand Down event. It was an event to offer social services to veterans, homeless people and anyone else that needed it. The even lasted until 4pm and as we were leaving people were still trying to come in. One lady came in right at 4pm wanting information on emergency dental work. She was SO inebriated that it gave me a MAJOR headache. After leaving the even I was feeling quite "something" I'm not sure. My emotions were ..... I then began to feel a little.....

 Okay, REWIND. While at the event I ran into Mae (not her real name). We had been friends in a former life and I knew she was getting married so I asked how the wedding was going. This then opened up the door. Apparently, I was invited to the wedding, but I never got the invite. So she informally invited me then and I agreed to show up, but I was a little uneasy about it. I mean, the wedding is next week. I don't have a date and I know with weddings, you turn in the menu to tell how many people are coming...yada yada yada, so it was a little awkward for me. But, I agreed to show up.

Well, as I was leaving the event, that contributed to my emotions. In addition to the drunk lady.

I went grocery shopping afterwards and all of these emotions were swirling around and I walked down the isle and I saw him.

My heart started beating really fast and I had to do a double take, but he was with another woman, so I didn't want to stare. I think I looked two or three times and as they were walking past, I spoke, he spoke, the other woman just grunted. I realized it wasn't him. I was still nervous. My heart was still pumping.

I went to another store and then I saw another "him". No, I'm not crazy. This was a different guy. A different guy that I was in a relationship with. No, my heart didn't pump, I wasn't nervous, but I was still uneasy. Of course we spoke to each other civily. All of this....

Well, actually there WAS another event that added to my slight duress. On Thursday evening I saw "him". Not the same him, or the other him, but him. He was cordial, not stiff like he was at the church. The next day I saw her. I know, I know....too many people, but I've never wrote about her. And I really don't want to, but I will just say that I was uneasy around her. Not really uneasy, but just a little rift, not quite bothered, but something....

So, I saw him on Thursday....I talked about going to a wedding on Friday......worked with some really needy people all day on Friday....was begged by a drunk women to help her with dental work.....then I saw him, who wasn't really him, and another him.

I was emotionally drained. And on top of all of that Thanksgiving is next week........

3.5%

I completed my second performance evaluation at work today and I was gratefully told by my boss that I'm getting a 3.5% raise. Yep, I will be earning about $45 more each paycheck. I'm not complaining. That a tank full of gas (if it doesn't rise more than $3.75 per gallon). Apparently, 3% is common but because of my score on the evaluation, I qualified for 3.5% which is higher than other employees. That actually causes me a little bit of pressure, because now I think I have to outperform myself. God help me!!!

Next Week is Thanksgiving!!

I've got BIG plans. Well, not quite BIG, but I plan a nice meal: Turkey Sausage dressing Lobster Mac & Cheese (with broccoli) Cauliflower, potato mash (with onions, mushrooms, carrots, and parsnips) Tomato, basil, beet salad with mozzarella For dessert I'm thinking about something with sweet potatoes OR rum cake. I'm not sure which one. I'm not making goo gobs, just enough for me and leftovers for about a week. Then I'm gonna plan for Christmas dinner!!! YAY!!!

I Wish I was in San Diego

On Tuesday, November 4, 2008 I was on a plane from Chicago to San Diego. And I was HAPPY!!  When I touched down in beautiful San Diego, I checked into the Catamaran Hotel and went to dinner.  That night, I didn't turn on the television. I didn't want to know who won the election until the next morning. And sure enough, the next morning I got my USA Today newspaper and was elated to see this picture:

I wish I was in San Diego again for this year's election or SOMEWHERE else!!!  I can't take the stress, so tomorrow, I will be sleeping in as long as I can and then I'm going to lunch and a meeting, and then to church. But, I refuse to keep tabs on the election poles!! 

Inspiration

People are often inspired by a lot of things, but the problem with inspiration is that it often is misleading!!  I was inspired a few months ago while in a workout class. I was having so much fun that I thought to myself, "I would like to teach aerobics." So, the opportunity presented itself and I taught some aerobics classes. However, a short time after starting, I became blase about it and didn't want to teach anymore. As a matter of fact, I don't think I was really good at all. But,  why did I want to teach anyway?  Because I was inspired by the teacher.

After coming to that realization, I started thinking about my life. I became a teacher because I was inspired as a teenager by two very good teachers. I went to graduate school to become a school principal because I one of those teachers who inspired me was a principal.  But, I'm not teaching now.  Actually, I love to teach, but I dont' want to be in k-12 anymore.

So, after thinking about this and thinking about this another situation presented itself to me.....

I have to speak at a corporate lunch and learn event for employees of Monsanto and I've been pondering and pondering about how and what I would present. It has to be something health related and I came across this video:


I became inspired!!

WOW, maybe I can do something like this during my presentation.  But, the I STOPPED!!! I was DOING IT AGAIN!!!  Doing something, or trying to do something because someone else was doing it REALLY well!! And I had to JUST STOP!!

Just because someone is doing something well, doesn't mean that I'm SUPPOSED to do it.

So, WHAT am I supposed to do??

Well, right now I don't know, but I have to work on NOT trying to do something because someone else was doing it.

Broken-Hearted

The Elder at church said something really interesting and it makes a lot of sense.  We were attending a singles class and she said when you are in a relationship with a person and you put confidence in that person and they leave you, you are brokenhearted. And that's true.  I was just thinking about all of the bad relationships I've been in that ended in heartbreak. I was thinking that the guy that I was with in that particular time was gonna be with me and me only. I was confident in that and when the relationship ended, my confidence was shattered which left me with a broken heart.  So, I began to think about that....in life, that's what we do....we trust people. I'm not saying that trusting people is wrong, but what we need to do more is trust GOD.  We need to put full confidence in GOD and less confidence in man. So, as we meet someone new, we pray that there is enough GOD in that person that they won't break your heart. And if there is God in that person, then we could trust the GOD in them and no that they may fail us, but God won't!!

Kind of deep....

In Due Season

Stop Looking at the Mountains!!

God knows exactly where I am and what I need. I was at church tonight and the Elder was teaching and she told a story about how in Jamaica people hike the Blue Mountains.  She went along with a group of people to hike.  They started at 3am.  By 6am, she was tired and she kept looking up and while looking up, she would notice how far they had to go and how long it would take them to get the.  She then began to look behind her and in her mind, she was so tired and overwhelmed that she felt like laying down and rolling back down because she couldn't imagine getting to the top. She correlated this with life.  A lot of times, we spend so much time looking at the mountain that we get tired and overwhelmed and it causes us to stop and go back.  When we get tired, we get weary and we start to faint and we stop.  But, the Bible say not to get weary in well doing because in due season you reap if you don't faint....Gal 6:9.  I've been fighting weariness and I thank God for my strength. The Bible says that the joy of the Lord is my strength. So I will rejoice in my God!!

Self Diagnosis

My age and my weight continues to elevate.  There is nothing I can do about my age, but I can do something about my weight. And I've been on a mission to figure out why I can't lose weight and by golly I think I've got it!!!

INSULIN RESISTANCE.

This may also be the cause of my enlarged thyroid, acne, facial hair, and belly fat.

When I gained 25lbs last year, I knew something was wrong. Especially since I've gained the weight mostly in my belly.  I was 180lbs for a long time and my belly was not fat, but when I gained the 25lbs that's where most of it settled.

When I went to the specialist and he told me that my thyroid was not an issue and I was frustrated, but now I realize that I just needed to check that off the list.  Actually my doctor should have been the one with the checklist, but I guess they don't have time for that.

So, I researched and researched and found that PCOS could have similar symptoms as thyroid issues and I begin to rule that out.  With PCOS there is often irregularities with menses and aunt flo has been flowing regularly.  So, more and more research was done and I came across Insulin Resistance as I was preparing for a training on Diabetes self management program. As I began studying insulin resistance, I found that this condition can cause an enlarged a person's thyroid and can lead to PCOS. WOW!!!!!!!!

I wish someone would have told me this BEFORE I had to go to all these different doctors and pay all these bills.  Actually I wish someone would have told me this about 10 years ago because I would have changed my diet back then and not have had to deal with all of this.

But, now I know what it is and the best way to deal with it now is with diet and exercise. A low carb diet is best for people with Insulin Resistance. When you lower your carbs, you lower the amount of glucose in your blood stream and the insulin can do that work that it needs to do because it's not overloaded.

I'm doing a lot of studying because I really need to tackle this because insulin resistance also leads to type 2 diabetes and that is not something that I want.

I want to be happy and healthy. So, here's to the new me!!

Oh My Hormones.....

I'm learning so much about hormones, I should become a nutritionist.  Why a nutritionist?  Well because your hormones regulate so much in your body and when some of those hormones screw up it can affect the metabolic reactions in your body which can lead to all types of problems such as heart disease, stroke, diabetes, etc.

The specific hormones I'm talking about include insulin and thyroid hormones.....

I'm finding out that Insulin Resistance, PCOS, and Thyroid disorders are all quite similar and can be managed with nutrition and diet therapy--specifically lowering the intake of carbohydrates.

So, I am embarking on a lower carbohydrates diet.  My goal is to not eat more than 150 grams of carbohydrates in a day (excluding special occasions).

I'm also gonna work on lowering my intake of wheat and gluten products.  I'm learning that wheat has been know to increase blood sugar which increases insulin and if my body is insulin resistant, then I don't need to increase the insulin, I need to lower it.

WOW, my brain is on overload. What am I gonna do?  What am I gonna eat?

I have to change my thinking about food. I wish I had my own house, I would really start growing my own food because at least I would know what's in in.

4 Weeks Until the Holiday Season

In about 4 weeks we will be celebrating Thanksgiving and I'm beginning to get excited....not just because of the season, but because of the food.....

I'm making my plans for what to cook.

Of course I have to have my turkey and dressing which I have in the freezer now, but I'm thinking about making lobster Mac and Cheese also. I've been craving Mac and cheese for a few days now and I was gonna make some, but I think I'll wait. I have to figure out where I can buy some good lobster from, but my mac and cheese will be stuff with lobster and will also include broccoli because I love broccoli with my mac and cheese.

So the main course will be:

Turkey
Dressing
Lobster Mac & Cheese
Broccoli
Tomato Basil Salad


I think I wanna make some Lobster Ravioli for Christmas.  Maybe i'll make some asparagus with it....hmmm. And of course I have to make my rum cake.  Delicious.

Or maybe I'll do lobster lasagna instead of ravioli.

I"m not sure why I have a taste for lobster, but I do....

Correspondence from Inmate

.....So in my waiting, I've been praying to get married.  Not something that I've done before, but while praying, I've been expecting it to happen.

But, imagine my surprise when I get a letter from a man in prison.

YES...Graham Correctional Center in Hillsboro, IL.

He said that he saw me on the news and decided he wanted to write me a letter.  HUH???  WHAT????  Who does that??  I guess inmates do.  I wonder how many news anchorpeople have gotten letters from inmates.  Of course he sent the letter to my job because the news story was about a program I was doing for my job. WOW.  I had to take a breath.

I simply wrote Mr. Jenkins a letter back. This is what it said:

Dear Mr. Jenkins,

I just received a letter from you.  I will say that I was quite SURPRISED!! I’ve never received such a letter before.

Currently, I am involved and not interested in meeting anyone new.

I pray that you remain strong as you finish your time. Make sure that when you leave, you connect yourself with a good Bible based ministry that can help lead and guide you to rebuild you life.

At this time, I am not interested in any additional correspondence from you, but I will keep you in my prayers.

Sincerely,

I put it in the mail. Hopefully he gets it soon and gets the picture. I AM NOT INTERESTED. I included his letter and envelop in with my letter. I should have copied it first.....

So, I am not desperate to get married. I'm just gonna wait and wait and if nothing happens by the end of the year, I will still be waiting.....

Desperation

des·per·a·tion (d s p-r sh n) n. 1. The condition of being desperate. 2. Recklessness arising from despair.
--thefreedictionary.com

I've been desperate a time or two in my life and in my desperation I've made some rash decisions that led to even more despair.

Sometimes when you wait and wait and wait and wait and wait some more, you can find yourself getting desperate. Which is NOT GOOD!!

I just read an article on Yahoo News about two brothers who won 5 million dollars on a scratch off ticket in 2006.  They  waited 5 years to cash it in.... WHY???  Because they wanted to make plans. They were patient and for 5 years they planned their lives. One man was getting married and wanted to make sure that the money would not change his relationship with his fiancee, so he didn't tell her.  They both waited and waited and waited.  The article stated that they cashed the ticket in 11 days before it was to expire.  WOW!!

I'm in a period of waiting right now and I DON"T want to get desperate.  Desperate people do desperate things which often end up being the wrong thing to do.

I'm waiting to get out of debt, I'm waiting to move to a better place, I'm waiting to make more money, I'm waiting for a husband.....I'm in a holding pattern and I'm waiting, but I don't want to panic and get desperate.

I'm reminded of Saul in 1 Samuel 13. Saul was told by Samuel to wait 7 days and he would come to offer the burnt offering. The 7th day came and Samuel didn't show up.  So Saul took it upon himself to offer the sacrifice.  Right after he offered it, Samuel came and rebuked him.  That started the descent of Saul as king. He was not patient. Yes, the 7 days were up, but not over. Samuel gave him explicit instructions to wait. Just wait. Saul became desperate when he saw the people began to desert him. I'm sure the people were mumbling and groaning and maybe even being unruly, but his instructions were simple. Wait. 

Desperation made him do what he wasn't supposed to do!! 

I don't want to make that mistake.

Especially when it comes to marriage!!

I've been thinking about marriage lately.  A LOT!!  And I even prayed that God send me the right man. I even set a date (not officially) for when I want to be married. So, I'm expecting to meet someone soon, but I don't want it to be the WRONG someone.

So, I will wait....I don't care what man comes to me, if he is not right, I'm not going to get impatient and desperate.

I got a letter in the mail at my job.....AT MY JOB from a man in prison.  YES, here I am expecting to meet someone new and this man writes me a letter out the blue. He explained that he saw me on the news and saw where I worked and decided to write me....

WHAT!!!!

To be continued...

10 Years Ago

Time surely flies.....

I've been going through some boxes of old paperwork, books, mementos, etc. that I had been hoarding.  It feels good to purge and get rid of old stuff.  However, while going through all my old stuff, I came across a file of old check stubs from 10 years ago...I started to get a little melancholy reminiscencing about my life over the last 10 years.......

I'm not gonna dwell on it or anything, but I made a lot of mistakes over the past 10 years.  I know, I know....that's what life is about....you live, you learn. But, some people don't learn and they find themselves back at the starting line.....Well, I'm not going back there, I'm going up, not around!!

Ten years ago, I was 25 and was hired to work at a community college. A year later I dated a guy who I was not supposed to date. I went through a pregnancy and a break up that was enough to make me lose it, but by the grace of God I made it through.  From there, I shuffled from man to man.....looking for love and finding EMPTINESS.  At the end of the 10 year cycle before my 35th birthday, I learned that I can't find love until I first KNOW love!!  And I began to learn what LOVE is all about.

God is LOVE!!

And over this past year, He has been showing me over and over again His love and it's AMAZING!!

Sometimes it's just the little things....

Like the other day, I needed some body wash.  I had nothing to shower with and I didn't want to spend a lot of money and I prayed and went to the store.  Sure enough I found body wash on sale.  I know to some that may be silly, but to me, that's God showing me His LOVE!!

And I'm grateful.

So, this next 10 years.....as I begin again.....I'm gonna learn not to fall for the same traps that captured me and held me hostage mentally and emotionally.  This time, I'm going up!!!!

  

I Know It...

There was a song that we used to sing in church when I was growing up....

I know it was the blood, I know it was the blood, I know it was the blood for me.
One day when I was lost, He died upon the cross.
I know it was the blood for me.

Every time I need Him, He's there.

I was in so much pain on yesterday that I was poppin pills like an addict. For some reason I rubbed the area with blessed oil and said a simple prayer for God to heal me. I didn't really expect anything, but I have not taken any pills since about 9pm yesterday!!!

THANK GOD the He shed his blood for me.  His word says by His stripes I am healed and I thank God for His blood!!!

Popping Pills

For some reason I have been having EXCRUCIATING, DEBILITATING cramps. I don't even know why.  I've always had minor cramping, but nothing like this. This is the second month.  They hurt so bad that I was awakened from my sleep.  So, I've been popping ibuprofin like an addict.  Every 4-6 years I pop two.  My next round would be in a half and hour.  I've never taken this may pills in my life.  I've tried to look up conditions associated, but I am confused.  I don't want to go to the doctor because I already have bills that I need to pay and I don't want to incur anymore at this time.....I don't know what to do. The cramping only happens a week or so before my period and not much during which is weird because I thought the reason women get cramps was because the uterus was contracting to shed the excess lining....so why am I getting them before my period....

I see I'm gonna have to do some researching....

My First 5K

I had a BLAST....

I signed up with a few people from my job for a 5K Mud Run (Dirt Run because of the drought). It was SOOOOO FUN!!!!!

Even though it took us an hour.  We were just out to have fun, not to compete and it was for a fundraiser, so we were there fore the mud. The name our team was Dirt Devils...Angels in Disguise.

Before the run...our t-shirts were so white.....

But after the run.....

There was so much mud, dirt, sand, and cooking oil....YES COOKING OIL...that my clothes were ruined...my underwear and my new lime greem sports bra.  BUT, I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!!

This is NOT the Promise

I was so busy trying to make this my home....not realizing that this is temporary....

God has blessed me with a place to live that I don't have to pay rent or utilities (I can't afford to pay it anyway) and when He blessed me I was trying to "settle" in for the long haul. I was making a 5 year plan, like I always do, but I'm realizing that the reason I can't get "settled" is because THIS is NOT where I'm supposed to settle. I lived in my old apartment for 6 years and would have loved to still be living there now.  The neighborhood was nice....of course in an apartment building there are people who may come and go, but it wasn't a bad place. But, when I had to move, my life was disrupted. And I was in a hurry to "settle" down again. Who likes to be unsettled. There is unrest when you aren't settled.  So, I really, really wanted to settle in for the long haul....But, for now I'm still in a transition and I'll wait on God....I don't want to get in a rush, but I don't want to stay here longer than I have to!!!

By the GRACE of God, this is not where I'm gonna be for too much longer.  I'm just in a holding pattern
Thank God that this is not what He has promised for me!!!  There is something better!!!!

Still working on it

I'm praying for grace and mercy.....

Grace is God's unmerited favor. Something I don't deserve, but I get it anyway.  Mercy is God forgiving me and not punishing me when I do deserve punishment.

The Bible says in Hebrews 4:16, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."  God is still working on me and right now I need some grace and mercy. And I pray that God will honor His word. I've gone to Him in prayer to find grace a mercy in my time of need.

I thank God for grace and mercy in my time of need!!!


To be continued....

Speechless

I've been thinking about this blog post for days.....not really knowing what to write, not wanting to complain, but wanting to express myself.  You know...just get it out, but something was stopping me.  I didn't want to complain because I'm grateful to God for keeping me.  I've living rent free, I don't have to pay utilities....what more could I ask for??

*tears in my eyes*

But, despite all of this....GOD is STILL faithful to me. He's never left me and He continues to show me His love, grace, and mercy.

So, I've been struggling financially and I just told God that I need a financial blessing. I've been giving to my church, I've been being obedient by being a blessing to my spiritual father, just like the Bible tells me.  I haven;t been complaining even though my car note is 3 months past due...I just been trusting God.  When my refrigerator was empty, He made sure that I was able to get some food and have the food last.  When I didnt't have deodorant, He made sure that the price was just right so that I could what I needed....He was and is still faithful to bless me. But, I didnt' want to be in distress. I have doctor bills that I need to pay, I have to go to the doctor tomorrow, I have to go to dentist....I have other things that I need to pay for like my car insurance and my student loans....but what I have coming in is just enough to keep gas in my car and food on the table.  I don't have money for extras....not that I NEED anything extra, I just want to be able to take care of my basic needs without having to ask for a handout....

So, I was gonna write this blog earlier, but I didn't want to complain, I just kept thinking about how God TOOK CARE OF the children of Israel when they left Egypt.  Their clothes didn't wear out nor did their shoes wear our for 40 years.  They were fed everyday...they had water.  They had their basic needs met. I remember reading about how at one point they began to charge high fees for certain things and they complained to the Judges and the Judges made laws that they had to forgive their debts and lower the prices so that they could live comfortably in the wilderness.  However, the wilderness was not supposed to be home.  It was a transition...it was a passageway!!  But, they got stuck and died there.

I don't want to get comfortable her.  I was trying to...that's why I wanted to buy a new bed and get new furniture.  I wanted to make this my home....as uncomfortable as I am here, I still wanted this to be my home.  But, since I just left Egypt, I don't want to make this my home. I've got a better place.  Even though sometimes my mind tries to take me back to Egypt, I realize that I don't want to go back and I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE!!

And I didn't want to complain about here.

The children of Israel complained and they DIED because of it...well, that and the fact that they still had an Egyptian mindset.  They didn't see themselves living better than as slaves in Egypt.  They couldn't fathom it....

Well, I'm determined to move from here to what God has promised for me. So, I will keep the faith and stand on the word of God.  So, instead of complain I just been thinking about God's word.

In His word, it says that in the wilderness He took care of them, so God I need You to take care of me!!  I don't have the means to...You fed the, You clothed them...they didn't want for anything.  As a matter of fact when they left Egypt, they left with treasures, Exodus 12:36, " The Lord made sure that the Egyptians were kind to the people so that they let them have whatever they asked for. And so they robbed the Egyptians." The Message Bible.

So, they didn't leave Egypt broke!!

Father, I need some stuff that gonna carry me through this wilderness!!!

The children of Israel wondered for 40 years.  It was only supposed to take them 11 days.  So, the stuff that they took were was supposed to go with them into their promise so that they could live the good life.  They were going to a land flowing with mild and honey, they were going to a land of abundance, so with all the stuff they had, they were gonna fit right in?

Have you ever been to a place where you stuck out like a sore thumb because everyone was dressed a certain way, but you didn't know what to wear, so you had on the opposite.  Well, the children of Israel wasn't gonna have that problem because the gold, silver, livestock...all of that was gonna be used when they moved to their new homes.  They had no use for it in the wilderness.  As a matter of fact they used to for what they knew back in Egypt...idolatry.  Moses didn't know God when he was in Egypt...he was Pharoah's adopted heir, so he lived as the Egyptians lived and they were idolators....So, they used the jeweler to erect a false god to worship.

But, that jewelry was supposed to be worn in their new home...in the land of abundance.

I want to get my stuff while I"m in the wilderness so that when I go to my new home I will fit right in.

So, why am I speechless?????

All of this has been on my mind and I've been trying to stay stress free and not worry about finances.  So, imagine my surprise when I get a call from a 618 area code.  I thought it was my little brother because I had just talked to him earlier.  It turns out, it was my other little brother...my real father's son.  He was calling to get my address and phone number because when my grandmother died, actually before she died when I used to visit her she used to tell me that she wanted to make sure that my sister and I was listed as beneficiaries along with my brother and other sister. I guess she did just that because my brother said that we have some money coming.  He doesn't know how much....but, in a month we will be receiving something from the courts.....

I thank God for my silver and gold, my livestock and linens....whatever I need to take care of my needs so that when I move all the debt will be erased and I will be able to be a blessing to a lot of people.!!

Who's Knocking on the Door?

It's been quiet for about 4 months now since all my neighbors on my floor have moved.  But, I've got new neighbors now and one of them, my boss has told me to keep an eye on.

It's no secret that take pics of the vehicles on our parking lot, I've told tenants this during several meetings because the rules state that there are to be no overnight guest....so if cars are not registered with staff and they are overnight, then that means that staff have to investigate who is staying overnight.  So, my boss called me several times to ask me what type of car this particular neighbor drives.  I took a pic of her car and the car her bf drives and I told her different times when her bf has come and gone from the building.  Well, this neighbor does not like the fact that I follow instructions and do my job. I've overheard her several times cursing me out about taking pics of her vehicles and being nosy.  It hadn't bothered me, but then I had this dream......

Staff was conducting an early morning inspection (these usually occur around 5am to catch tenants with overnight guest). During the inspection, it was found out that this neighbor's bf was there and was asked to leave.  The man was upset and left the building and she left behind him.  As staff were finishing the inspections the man and my neighbor were arguing loudly in the parking lot.  Other tenants walked outside to see what was going on and as I looked outside I saw a women being blown away by a gun shot.  That frightened me and the staff so I began going downstairs to the basement and I locked the basement door and was looking for a place to hide. As I was looking for a place to hid, I heard someone knocking on the basement door and then the doorknob was being turned.  This frightened me and for some reason I thought is was my neighbor and I woke up.

When I woke up, I was nervous and I looked at the clock and it was 6:05am.  I began to pray. While praying I fell back to sleep.  I'm not sure what time I fell asleep or how long I was asleep, but in my sleep, I heard a loud knock on my door.  It frightened it so much that I woke up again.  I looked at the clock and it was 7:05am.  I began to pray and pray and I got out of bed to get ready for work.

These two dreams bothered.  I don't remember my dreams very often and most times when I do, it's because God is telling me something.  So, I was wondering what it was God was telling me......

I sent my mom and email asking her if she was okay....I was thinking that maybe something was going on at home and I needed to wake up to pray. I'm not sure.....

I wonder who was at the door knocking??

$1 Deordorant

I needed some deodorant... BADLY. I ran out a few days ago and I had to use baking soda which burned my underarms.  Then I remembered the travel size deodorant I got free from the community college bookstore. It was in my office drawer.  However, I was a little concerned because that wouldn't last long.  I prayed and got some coupons because deordorant is not cheap....well, not the kind that I usually buy--$11 per container.  My goal was to stock up, but since it cost so much I haven't been able to.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into Walgreens and saw $1 Degree.  WHAT??  I was happy.  I've used Degree before and it wasn't the small one either.  I grabbed 4 and I think I'm gonna go buy some more because I really really need deodorant and I want to stock up.

THANK YOU GOD for taking care of my on my journey through the wilderness.

Now, I just need money to do laundry!!

I Just Left Egypt

Two years ago, around this time I was staring homelessness in the face.  My apartment was being emptied, clothes were being pack up. I was counting down the days.....

Last year, in December my friend rescued me and allowed me to live with her.  One night, in January 2011 while at her house I looked up Egypt online.  I was thinking how it would be nice to visit.  Shortly after researching, the crisis in Egypt became known worldwide and many foreigners who  were vacationing there were flocking to airports to leave....no one was planning to vacation there.

All of this reminded me of my Egypt journey.  No, I've never been there physically, but when I compare my life to the word of God, I can say that I've had an experience like the children of Israel. They lived in Egypt. Many of them were even born in Egypt, but that wasn't their nationality. They weren't considered Egyptians even though they were born their.  Their history was Abraham, Issac and Jacob (Israel). They were Israelites.

*this is not a history lesson, ....just telling a story*

So, they belong to God. They were God's chosen. They were indoctrinated into the new culture/lifestyle of Egypt. They lived there for 400 years. So leaving Egypt was a big thing!!

Think about it....my people historically come from Africa, but I've never been to Africa. What would it be like if I left American and went to live in Africa? There would be some adjustments that need to be made because That is a whole different continent with it's own culture. I'd have to adapt/adjust to live.

The children of Israel  needed to adapt even while leaving Egypt. God gave us the history of them losing their life so that when we leave our "Egypt", we don't die just like them.

They could not adapt...they even wanted to go back......

WHY???? Not because that's where they were from, but because that's what they KNEW. They didn't know a different way of living. It's interesting...when they left Canaan, they didn't complain. There is no record of them wanting to go back. They could have gone back when the famine was over. They didn't so why complain when God wanted to take them back to where they were from?

I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I do know that I've left Egypt. I was there for a long time. Not only was I there, but I was born there. Egypt was in my....the culture/lifestyle, but I'm not there anymore. My address is different, I don't live there anymore....so as I'm journeying to my new home, I'm not gonna make the same mistakes that they made.

I don't want to go back to Egypt.....

Running on "E"

My car
My refrigerator
My bank account

And

My body

My refrigerator:  Top shelf:  Expresso (leftover from tirimusu), croutons (I don't make salads very often), refried beans (lunch tomorrow), balsamic vinegar glaze (just because) Middle shelf:  steel cut oats (breakfast for the next week), cornbread and bread crumbs (leftover from cornbread dressing.  will be making more this weekend).

Bottom shelf needs to be cleaned badly!!

Ouch!!

My job involves going into churches and providing health information to congregations.  It's been a challenging job because I don't know the churches (there are over 200) or the clergy in our city. But, there is one Pastor who has been really welcoming.  I've gone into his church and has done quite a few health events. I even became a fitness instructor to teach his congregation aerobics. And my crush showed up at his church during a workout class.  He didn't show up again and I wondered if he was a member of the church.  I didn't have to wonder anymore because on today, I showed up at the church for a Power Sunday event and my crush walked in.  Not only did he walk in, but I was nervous and excited to see him and was prepared to speak and he just WALKED RIGHT PAST ME.  WOW!!!!!

I didn't expect that response from him AT ALL

OUCH!!

OUCH!!

There was a point in the service where everyone was encouraged to hug 3 people.  Again, I didn't expect the cold shoulder from him, but that's what I got.

In the past, I've learned that when someone gives you the cold shoulder like that, there is something going on...there's a dead cat on the line.

WOW!!

Don't You Hate That Feeling....Part II

"Ideas are everywhere, the trick is turning them in to something, " Paul Fleischman.

I used to have anxiety all the time...It started around 2004 after I lost my daughter. At first I didn't notice it, but then it came so often and sometimes for no reason. I would just be sitting and have a panic attack. Over the years, I learned to deal with it and it began to go away. Then a couple of years ago it came back.  Mainly because I DREAM BIG....I have these GRAND IDEAS in my head, but they seem so FAR from reach.  So, it would cause me to be anxious. 

I never considered myself to be smart. I always wanted to BE smart, but I never thought I WAS/AM smart. So I would pray to God for help and He would answer me, so I then began to become creative and I would pray to God for creative ideas and He would give them to me. So now I don't say/think that I'm smart, I say/think that God has given me the ability to think, plan, create, etc. But, when an idea comes to me that I WANT to do, but have no idea HOW I would be able to or if I feel intimidated, it gives me great anxiety.

One of the causes according to wikipedia is, "Lack of assertiveness — A growing body of evidence supports the idea that those that suffer from panic attacks engage in a passive style of communication or interactions with others. This communication style, while polite and respectful, is also characteristically un-assertive. This un-assertive way of communicating seems to contribute to panic attacks while being frequently present in those that are afflicted with panic attacks."

And I really believe that this is the reason for my panic attacks...

In the past I have been intimidated and suffered greatly from inferiority.  The Bible explains it like this:

There were 12 spies who went to spy out the land and their job was to bring back a good report.  However, 10 spies came back and said, "we look like grasshoppers in their eyesight."  --The story of the Children of Isreal going from Egypt to their promised land in Exodus.

If they were spies, then how did they look like grasshoppers to them?  No one knows that a spy is around...they are incognito, but they were fearful, they had an spirit of inferiority. 

This was me!!

As a matter of fact, just on last week I was invited, at the last minute, to a meeting to network with some Pastors for a project.  I had just finished Zumba class and the Pastor that was inviting me told me that it would be okay to attend just the way that I was.  He said that he was going in his gym clothes. So, I ran to my office, got my business cards and some flyers and headed out.  When I walked into the room, immediately I panicked.  Everyone was in business attired and it wasn't just Pastor/Clergy...there were professionals from the school district and other businesses. 

Here I was representing the health department in gym clothes.  Albeit, I had just finished working, but still..I needed to present myself better.  After I panicked, I began to feel quite small.....and their eyes were on me when I walked in (I was a little late). I began to get mad at the Pastor for telling me to come like that, but instead I gathered myself and confidently sat and talked and ate.  I wasn't totally confident, but I was enough to speak to and hug the superintendent and several others.  THANK GOD!! I was able to cast down those thoughts of inferiority. 

So, now I'm beginning to tread unchartered territory and there is a little trepediation, but I'm casting down fear, anxiety, panic, inferiority...because there is work for me to do!!!  I can't die in the wilderness like the children of Isreal. Out of 2M adults, only 2 (Joshua & Caleb) were able to go into the promised land.  I can't die on the way to my promised land!!! I refuse to die!!!

THANK GOD!!!!  I'm not gonna die here!!!

Freedom starts in the Mind!!

There is an elephant inside each of us – an inspired being of enormous power and capability. And just like the elephants that we might see in a circus, our internal elephants are also put in chains.

How does this happen?

It starts when they’re babies…

Chaining an elephant isn’t as simple as just putting a chain around its leg – an adult elephant would snap that chain without even noticing the effort.

The way to chain an elephant is to start when it’s a baby. You don’t even need a chain – a strong rope will do.

The baby elephant will struggle, but eventually it will realize that it can’t break the rope, and even worse, continuing to struggle creates a painful burn on its leg. The baby elephant learns not to struggle – it accepts that the limit imposed by the rope or chain is permanent, and there is no use struggling against it.

Sure, the elephant grows up, and becomes the most powerful land mammal on the face of the earth. But the chains in its mind remain, and so the chains on its leg are never broken.

Read more: http://www.stevescottsite.com/how-to-chain-an-elephant#ixzz23a6cCuGu

Write the Vision....

I'm learning to LIVE according to the word of God. There are times in my life when something will come up and immediately my mind will go to the scripture.  I thank God for that because my life is defined (is being defined) by my relationship with God.

So, there have been some things that I've wanted to do.....

Rewind

When I graduated from undergrad school, I sat down and wrote my life. The Holy Spirit helped me to plan my life and I became a person who live by goals.  However, I only wrote down until age 30 or so. I'm not sure why.....

As I approached 30 I wondered and wondered why I had only stopped at 30.

Well, since then I haven't made much of a plan because for a long time, I didn't know what to plan. I didn't know and I'm still a little unsure, but there are some things that I want to do...not simply because I want to do them, but because I want to give back what has been given to me. There is a scripture that says, "to whom much is given, much is required" and I've been given much, so it's required of me to give back.  So, I'm gonna do like the word of God says in Habakkuk 2:2 and "write the vision..."

So, most of these things I want to do will be done through the NP I work for:

1.  Establish a supplemental educational program that will assist all--young and old in improving their academic skills to go on to post-secondary education.

2.  Establish a college and career program that includes job training and developmental programs to help individuals to succeed.

3.  Establish a NP consulting group through MU (a SCNO project).

This one will be done through my job with the health department....
4.  Establish a coalition of churches to partner with the local health department on health initiatives....
Hold a coalition lunch meeting once per quarter

5.  Establish a partnership with the Coalition of Neighborhood Organizations to provide health information to members in the community.  Hold a lunch meeting twice a year for partners.

In writing the vision, I'm also gonna be doing some planning.

Don't You Hate That Feeling

I get it all the time.....

My stomach turns, my heart races, i'm nervous, panicky, it's like the blood in my body feels hot, my breathing is thick.....

I HATE THIS FEELING!!  THIS ANXIETY!!!

I really want to cry right now because I HATE this feeling.  I HATE WANTING TO DO, but NOT being able to....

I HATE IT!!!


To be continued....

The Journey Up: No REGRETS

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” Luke 9:62 NIV

In the wake of my recent circumstances, I have been looking back....looking back over my life--at the things that I've done, the mistakes that I've made, the decisions that I've made.  This has caused me to regret certain decisions.  I'm not even go detail what those decision are because really IT DOESN'T MATTER. Because there is no benefit to that. 

Regret can be defined, according to Bing Dictionary....as,

1. feel sorry for something: to feel sorry and sad about something previously done or said that now appears wrong, mistaken, or hurtful to others
2. used politely when giving bad news: used as a polite expression of sorrow when making an apology or delivering a piece of bad or unwelcome news
3. mourn for somebody or something: to feel sadness about something, or feel a sense of loss and longing for somebody or something that is no longer there

I began feeling sorry that I made some of those decisions.  It caused me to be sad and in a funk...to be exasperated.  Regret leads to remorse, then shame and guilt if it's not dealt with.  Shame leads to depression and I CAN'T AFFORD to be depressed. 

So, I can't keep looking back....now that I think about it...this is why I was thinking about the movie Beloved.  God was trying to show me that regret deals with not being able to let go of the past. 

The Bible says in Luke 9:62 that you are not "fit" (able) to serve in the kingdom of God when you look back. I've embarked on a new journey...a new assignment in my life and I can't complete this assignment if I'm looking back. How can a person ploy a field while looking back...they can't.  I CAN'T do what I NEED to do....HAVE to do and still look back.  It's impossible!!  So, I MUST..."forget those things that are behind...

In Phillipians 3 it says this:

 ^12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
 ^15-16So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.  The Message Bible  

My Ovaries HURT--TMI

Thank God for ovary pain.  I haven't seen aunt flow since April....ovary pain means ovulation which means that my reproductive organs are working properly....YAY!!

Let the Past DIE!!

I was thinking about the movie Beloved and sure enough a week later someone left a DVD in the staff lounge for anyone to have.  I took it and watched it over the weekend. When I had watched it before (well after it debuted in 1998) I didn't fully get it.  I didn't think it was a bad movie, I just didn't understand the full story.  However, this weekend I "got it."  Sethe couldn't let go of the past.  She was haunted by her past...those spirits haunted her children.  Then the past showed up one day and she welcomed it into her house...not realizing that it was her past. It was only when she realized that it was her past that it debilitated her.  She couldn't keep up, it caused her to lose hope in life. Then, when concerned people came to "see about" her, her past disappeared and again, despite the hell that it took her through, she still couldn't let go. She said that her past was the "best thing." Not realizing that "she" was her "best thing." 

I life people hold on to DEAD STUFF. The Bible says, "let the dead bury the dead...." Meaning that when stuff is dead, you GOT to let it go!!  She kept her dead baby alive with all the guilt and shame that she went through. That's why it continued to haunt he and her family. Then, when the past materialized in the flesh, she wasn't able to recognize it as the past because she wanted it!

I don't know why I was thinking about this movie...I don't even know why it showed up in our staff break room, and I was even pondering on how this is relevant to me NOW.  Of course there have been times when I've dealt with my past and I had struggled in letting stuff go....so I was searching within myself to see if there was anything left from my past that was haunting me....

Of course I'm dealing with some regrets, but is there something that I'm holding on to, something that is haunting me....

YES!!!  And I don't want it to materialize in the flesh!!!!  So, I've got to let it go!!!!

I received a FB message today that haunted me...it was from Mister. I didn't open it. I want to, but I DON'T WANT TO...this is one reason I don't frequent FB. I keep my page deactivated most of the time, but for some time I have to reactivate it for work.....

What do I do?? I don't want that part of my life to live.  I want that part to stay dead!!!!

Exploding Eggs & Bologna Cravings

I've been watching what I eat since I've been learning all I can about hormonal issues. Everything that I've read tells me to eliminate or lower the consumption of harmfully processed food.  So far I've been doing well with that. Of course on occassion I will eat some cookies, potatoe chips, but for the most part 75% of my diet is not harmfully processed.  I LOVE fruits and veggies, baked chicken, baked fish, oatmeal, boiled eggs, etc.

But, all last week I was craving bologna and bread. So, I went to Kroger and got a pack of turkey bologna and some cheese. I left the bologna and cheese out on Friday so that it was room temperature and I almost at the whole pack this weekend.  UGH!!  That was way too much bologna to eat at one time, but I ate it and it was good. I surely notice a different when I go to the bathroom. LOL. Then, this morning I got up to get ready for work. I wanted some boiled eggs for breakfast, but I forgot to put them on in time. So, I grabbed them off the stove half done and figured I'd finish cooking them at work.  I had it all planned in my head--fill a bowl with water, put the eggs in the water and put them in the microwave.  This is what I did and fifteen minutes later, I took the eggs out, ran cold water over them and began to crack and peel and just as I was peeling .... BOOF....egg exploded ALL OVER THE PLACE.  There was egg in my hair, down my arms, on the wall, on the trash can, EVERYWHERE!! My hands was burned from holding the egg when it exploded and I was frantically trying to get everything cleaned up before someone came into the staff lounge. It was funny, but embarrassing at the same time. I wish I had pictures.  How was I supposed to know you couldn't boil an egg in the microwave in the shell??

I found out that steam builds up in the shell so that's why it explodes.

400th Post

WOW!

I never would have imagine having 400 post in a journal about me being homeless.  Boy, how life turns....

I was thinking about high school and how in high school many young people have the grandest plans. No one plans to be homeless....

I used to teach a health class and I would tell my students all the time, "No one plans to be a drug addict...." I taught a lot about prevention and I was explaining that the wrong choices lead to these lifestyles--these lifestyles are planned....it's no one's choice!!

Now, I'm saying that same thing about homelessness.  No one plans this!!

At the same end of the spectrum, you have to plan NOT TO BE________________!!  If you don't, you may end up _______________________!!

Test Results

I'm so tired!!

I've been having a hard time resting at night. I can't sleep!!

Normally, I don't sleept while watching TV, but if I don't have some show on hulu on, my brain just goes and goes and goes and I toss and turn all night.  I even experience anxiety while I'm trying to sleep. It's horrible.

I say all that because I got my test results from my thyroid test. The doctor ran 4 test:

TSH--normal
T4--normal
TPI--normal (I think it's called TPI)
TPO--HIGH, HIGH, HIGH

The normal range for TPO is 0-34. My levels were 263. 

Despite this the doctor said I was fine. WHAT?????

So, I began my research again and found that TPO test for an autoimmune disease--Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. Symptoms include fatigue and insomnia. Why did the doctor say I was fine?  Well, I've been finding that when the disorder is autoimmune it deals alot with how your immune system affects your body, so that means that the immune system needs to be improved and some the causes of a compromised immune system include improper diet, lack of sleep, chronic stress....Once you change your lifestyle to eat properly, get enough sleep and eliminate chronic stress then the immune system can be improved which can lower the autoimmune disorder.  So, doctors don't prescribe medication.  However, this particular autoimmune disease can cause hypothyroidism which causes all the symptoms--fatigue, weight gain, infertility etc. 

All of this information made me even more frustrated....UGH!!  How is it that doctors have the ability to make you more sick?

So, I decided to make an appt with my GP to show her the results to see if I can do something about this insomnia.  I can't go on like this. Last year my GP did prescribe a low dosage of hormone and that helped me a LOT....so I'm gonna see if she can do that again this year.

I Hope He Will Be There

I talked about my crush in this post.  Well, he's supposed to be at Zumba class today.  I'm nervous!!

I found out that he's about 5 years younger than me, but that only bothers me a little bit. I've always been partial to older men....

I ran into an old teacher friend of mine and she asked me if I was involved with anyone....I told her that I had a major MAJOR CRUSH, so we made plans to eat lunch and talk about it.  After she left I remembered that she married a man that's younger than she is.  Is that a sign??  I mean, why did she even ask me...we haven't seen each other in years. She didn't ask about work or school or anything else, she asked if I had a man!!! 

Well, we''ll see if he shows up for class today!!!

Very Emotional Dr's Visit

I've had a thyroid issue looming since 2003....

My GP tested my thyroid levels said that I was okay. In 2009 my OB/GYN said to me that my thyroid was enlarged and tested me again and me to get an ultrasound done. There were nodules on my thyroid and I was referred to a specialist.  Well, since I was laid off in 2010, I never got to see the specialist, so I didn't think anything about it until 2011 when I gained 25lbs and I was down in a funk and tired ALL THE TIME.

So, I went to the clinic and the PA tested my thyroid levels again along with my cholesterol. After the test, I got a call from the nurse saying that the doctor prescribed levothyroxine and sent me information on how to lower my cholesterol because it wasn't high enough to be too too concerned.  I tried to ask the nurse what was wrong with me and she didn't know, so she told me that she would have the PA call me.  I never got a call, so I got online to get information about levothyroxine and found that it was prescribed for hypothyroidism.  Okay, so now I know what's wrong with me, right??  WRONG!!  After trying to research and research about the condition, I just ended up confused. So, I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed.  I didn't think it was a big deal.

May 1, 2012 I had my annual exam and my new OB/GYN told me that hypothyroidism could cause infertility.....WOW. Now my antenneas were up. My goal is to be a mom one day!!  So, I had her take the BC out and she told me that if I had any issues to call her.  Well, Aunt Flo didn't come...I haven't seen her since April 2012, so red flags when up...THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BODY!! I call my OB/GYN again and ask her for a referal to see the specialist again.  She made the referral and the appt was a month away. I went to the specialist, filled out all the paperwork and called my GP and the hospital that ordered the ultrasound and had them send all the paperwork to the specialist. I was on my P's and Q's.

I get to my 10:45am doctor's appt today and after waiting about 25 minutes the receptionist tells everyone that the Dr is running an hour behind, so my 10:45 would now be 11:45......okay....I decided to wait because I didn't want to make another appt. I get back to the doctor and find out that my GP never sent over the results from my lab work last year. So the doctor is going off of 3 year old ultra sound pics and lab work. I tell him that I had not taken any meds since last year and he's pretty nonchalant. 

He tells me that my neck is muscular and that my thyroid is not too enlarged. He then tells me that since I've only been prescribed 25mcg of hormone then it's probably not a problem. He then ask me why I wasn't taking the meds. I was frustrated and I told him that I didn't take my meds because no one told me what was wrong with me, so why take meds when I don't know I have a problem. He gives me another ultrasound and says that the nodules are so tiny that it's not a big problem. Then he tells me that I gained weight, but it's probably not from my thyroid. So I tell him about my period and he skips over that part. So, now I'm confused. He stated that my test results would be in in tomorrow and he would contact ASAP. 

So, now I'm thinking that either it's my thyroid or it's something else such as PCOS which has similar symptions, with the exception of and enlarged thyroid.  UGH!!!

I just wanna cry!!! I've been very emotional since I've left the office and I don't know why!! I went to my GP and asked why the records were not sent and they were all on lunch break, so I don't know what to do.  UGH!!!!! 

I've Got a Crush...

....and it's MAJOR!!

OMG, I HATE being like this!!

I walked to "Professor's" office two weeks ago. He was referred to me by a friend of mine at the university. It was noon and I was told that he was probably at lunch. Sure enough I went to office and it was dark.  Hmmmm.....It was noon, lunch was over at 1pm.  Do I sit for an hour??

I sat....and did some surfing.

I knew his name so I looked him up and found a video of him online. A video of what he did from Dartmouth college when he worked there. He looked average, but nice.  I decided to leave and come back at one....actually I decided to leave and go put some make-up on and THEN come back at 1pm.

I came back and sat outside his office. He walked around the corner and I was surprised....he was more attractive in person.

I was HAPPY that I spruces myself up and put on some body spray.  We chatted, I got the information out and that was it....

....until I needed to go back to his office later on in the week. This time I wasn't AS confident because the shirt I had no wasn't that cute, but I was tryna prove to myself that just because he was attractive, that I WASN'T attracted to him....

Didn't work :-(

Close to the end of the meeting, my heart started pumping. He was looking at me and I was looking at him....DAG!!

I left the office quickly and saw him one other time. By then I was finished with my project and contemplating going back to his office to thank him....

However, I didn't have a chance to thank him because he showed up....AT MY AEROBICS CLASS!!!

WOW, here was I all sweaty with no make-up on in gym clothes and he walks through the door.  Not to work out...actually, I don't know why he was there, but he hung around even though he didn't need to...well, maybe he was hanging around to talk to the Pastor.  Yes, we were doing aerobics at a church (not my church).

I did my best to keep up and I'm sure I didn't look so coordinated. He even did a few steps in the corner. WOW...since then I've looked him up on FB and I've googled him to try to find out how old he is.  I found out he graduated high school the same year I graduated college. :-( So, he's about 4 years younger than me. WOW...that last time I dated a man who was younger than me, he told me I was seasoned...UGH!!! Seasoned = OLD :-(

So, now I'm crushing on him, HARD!!  He's what I like....Tall, dark, bald, and he works in education. He's actually a doctoral candidate. I've said over and over again that I wanted to marry a doctor.  UGH!!!!

I have a crush on this guy and I wish he would go ahead and date someone because that's the only way I'm gonna get over this crush.  I sent him a FB friend request this morning and when he accepted, my heart skipped a beat......UGH!!!

I don't wanna be heart sick.  My heart has been sick for a while and I can't take it......