Happy Belated Thanksgiving

I was tired this year so I didn't travel for Thanksgiving. I stayed home, cooked, cleaned and enjoyed solitude. Around 11am I got a text....

"Happy Thanksgiving."

It was from Mr. Ohio.

I texted back, "Happy Thanksgiving, friend."

I thought that was it, but later on I got another text.

"Miss you."

Oh boy.....here we go. This is frustrating because I had moved on. I mean, he displayed to me that he didn't want me so why hang around. I prayed and told God that I needed to move and and I needed an alternative and in walks the Golfer.

As the day went on all I could wonder was, "what in the world does he want?"

He then text, "I'll be home until Wednesday."

Huuuuhhhhhhhhh.............

I didn't really respond, but the seed was planted.

On Sunday I texted him, "Wyd?"

He responded that he was in the hospital and that he had a heart attack on Saturday night.

My heart was beating and I began praying for him. I actually was praying for him on Saturday when we had prayer at church and I had been feeling death.

How do you feel death?

I don't know, I just feel like death was somewhere. Then Saturday morning I got a call that my uncle was in the hospital because he was urinating blood. So I thought that the death that I was feeling was my uncle. Well, it turned out that my uncle was not actually urinating blood and he was fine.

So when I got the news from Mr. Ohio, I realized it was him that I was feeling.

He was in Chicago and had been shopping. He went to the gym that evening. After working out, he felt light headed and dizzy and fell. He got some gatorade and was able to make it to his car. But then he felt pain down his left side. He drove himself to the hospital. One of his arteries was 100% blocked. They put a stent in and told him he needed to take blood pressure and cholesterol meds. They put in another stent because another artery was partially blocked.

He would not allow me to come to Chicago, but I called him and we video chatted.

He wanted to see my boobs *hand slaps forehead*

When he got back to town I went to see him. He wanted to have sex. Well, he wanted to pleasure me, but I was so far gone from that. I mean, you just had a freaking heart attack and you are thinking about sex.

WHAT??

So I told him no and he wasn't pleased.  He grabbed me as I was walking out the door and hugged me and groped me. His hands and kisses felt really good. But, that wasn't my purpose. I wasn't trying to have sex with him.

I went to see him a few days later and he wanted me to spend the night.

OMG!!!

I refused. I removed his hands from between my legs and he was upset when I left. He was so upset that he didn't even want to walk me to the door.

WOW.

A few days before I had a conversation with him and asked him what he wanted. He said he didn't want to "label" anything. So I understood that to mean that he just wanted a casual relationship and whatever happens happens.

Well, that's not me. I'm not into being cavalier about relationships. Either it's heading towards marriage or its not. And if it's not, then I'm not gonna waste my time. I'm not wasting my pretty on someone who doesn't want me. He called me sensitive because of my stance.

So, here I am on his sofa rejecting his advances and he's getting upset and throwing a tantrum like a little boy because I don't want to open my legs for me.

Who does he think I am?  My P*$$y don't belong to you!!!!!

So I sent him a text asking if he wanted to hang out a few days later.

"If you didn't act brand new. No thanks. I'm good," was his response. Basically, he was still having a tantrum.

Oh wow.

So sent him a video message saying basically that I wasn't into casual sex because I"m too emotional and I didn't want my heart broken again. He responded by saying he was confused and that he was upset because he thought it was unfair of me to "change the game."

I told him that I never changed that game and that I was never into casual sex. I explained to him that when we met I immediately liked him which was unsual and that I didn't realize that all he wanted was casual sex until after the fact (after we had sex) and that by then I was smitten and when he stopped talking to me I was heart broken, but I moved. He understood and that closed that door.

So that has been part of my holiday season.

Life Is So Messy....Deal With It

So I've been bothered since I've gotten the comments from Mr Golfer. I'm just not good with confrontation. There are people who are natural fighters and then there is me.....I hunker down and cower. But, as I'm getting older I'm realizing that I have to fight. As a matter of fact because I am a Christian, I have signed up to fight.

There was a question in an interview that I had recently that asked me what I would do if I couldn't get along with someone that I was working with. I told them that the old me would have been passive aggressive and would not have had the courage to deal with it, but the new me would confront the situation.

So that's what I did. I confronted the situation with Mr Golfer. We have different views and that's ok. Does that mean we can't be friends? I mean immaturity will say, "no" but we are two mature adults that can deal with this kerfuffle. We can deal with it.

But, I've been in my feelings all day. I've not been able to eat and then I've been concerned about how this will go. I'm sure he's defensive and that's never a good way to have a conversation. But we will have a grown up conversation about it.

*UPDATE*

We talked and surely he was offended. I mean he sent the post to his sister and she agreed with him. He was particularly upset about the "rape" comment. And he asked me why I added that. I told him that I added it because he mentioned it.

We hashed it out and as we were talking he sent the post to two women friends. They agreed with me. From this he started seeing my point of view and things were slowly creeping back to normal. Since then we have gotten back to what I like about him...just chilling and having great convo. I'm glad that I have him as my friend.

Matt & Rachell 2017

How To Talk To Someone Without Offending Them

I sent Golfer a copy of this to read. I sent it to him on a defunct blog that I haven't used since 2012 because I'm not confident enough to share my thoughts with those close to me. He read the blogpost and was really offended. I assumed that he wouldn't like what I had to say. I also assumed that he would think that I was attacking him. My assumptions were correct. This is what he had to say:


The scorn teacher hiding behind the Aegis of her faith. Dear "teacher" I read your blog and my take away after reading it, is that you are going through UPS and downs like everybody on Earth, and probably feel like you have gotten the short end of the stick, concerning obtaining what you optimally want in a relationship (true God-fearing faithful loving husband). For starters the title of your blog could make you come off as a fatuous/scorn woman,(letter to the guy who wants to have sex with me) of which the title could be applied to any of the guys you listed based on what you wrote in this blog. You admit that you did not get a chance to elucidate some things with the golfer, because he had to get off the phone for whatever reason he told you, but instead of waiting and getting a better understanding from the golfer to some of your uncertainties that you had about him, you decided to post your thoughts on social media (blog). And recklessly used words (rapist) that could be on Letter To The Guy Who Wants to Have Sex With Me

No constructive criticism just appears you are taking the time to vent by assassinating the characters of the MEN that you have chosen to allow in your life (free will). Not sure why you felt compelled to explain to your reading audience and explained "No,Mr.Golfer is not a rapist and I believe that is he respectable when it comes to how he treats women". But yet your title of this blog alone contradicts your explanation on how you believe he is respectable to women (to you). But I will give you a little credit for using Alias to describes all of male encounters from somewhat protecting them for erroneously being infamous of a one-sided short story from you. if you were more assiduous in your thoughts I felt you could have came up with a more fair title but that's just my own personal opinion. Then you start listing off all what i felt like you were describing failed relationship with men that you have encountered over a period of time. Which in my opinion came off as male bashing on Letter To The Guy Who Wants to Have Sex With Me

They feel that they're doing all the right things and that there are entitled to meet a congenial person serendipity. A lot of people try to hide behind their belief system because of their insecurities of not wanting to face the music. I always find it interesting when someone says they are practicing celibacy after so many years of not practicing celibacy I had a lot more to post but it got lost when i was trying to upload it to your blog. This is just a summarization of my original thoughts that got lost. My advice to you is try to be sensible and careful what you post about a person that you had engagement with. try to gather as much factual understanding from that person before you post things on social media. I am sure you would appreciate the same if someone was posting something about you. you would want it to be factual as possible. Good luck to you on Letter To The Guy Who Wants to Have Sex With Me

So, am I a woman scorned? I admit I am in a little ..... because of my relationship status. Which I do say in the post (I say that I am still healing.) Am I hiding behind religion? No, I love God and NOTHING will change that!! Do I want to have an open dialog about sex and relationships so that the people that I meet can better understand who I am, Yes!!

I sent Mr Golfer and apology for offending him. I told him that I shared this information with him because I wanted to have an open dialog and that I thought I could talk to him about this. His tone was better and he agreed to have a conversation. 

Let's see how this goes......

For Your Glory

God has been so gracious to me. I thank Him for the grace and mercy shown towards me. I've learned some lessons in my life and that includes not taking God's glory. I was listening to Radiolab, a podcast, and the topic was, "Made in Marrow," which told the story of one man who's life was saved because of a bone marrow donor.

This man, I believe his name was Jim, had been a christian growing up, but along the way his faith was shaken. That is until he got his bone marrow donation. He shared his story and his renewed faith in God in his magic show. Also, during this time he encourages people to become a bone marrow donor. As his life was going on he was contacted by the person who donated marrow. From this meeting, he invited her to be apart of her show. Over time she has been apart of about a dozen of his shows. But she faced a dilemma....she was an atheist and she felt hypocritical in being apart of a show that promoted faith in God.

One of the things that struck me about the story was the fact that never once did they give glory to God. Yes, Jim acknowledged his faith, but it was always said that this women saved him. Which wasn't true. It was God that used the woman to save him. God always uses people when He wants to accomplish something in the earth and he uses whomever He will. In Joshua 2 God used a prostitute, Rahab, to save the spies from death. God even used Ruth, who was not a Jew to be in the lineage of Jesus. God uses people and we can't promote ourselves above God. The women, in the story was so frustrated with the situation that she tried to say that there was something bigger than God going on. When in fact, it was just bigger than her and because she didn't believe in God, she didn't know how to express this because no one was giving the glory to God. They were glorifying her.

It's easy sometimes to lose sight of the big picture when people are involved. And I've done that before, I've taken the shine instead of shining it back on God. And that's something that I don't every want to do again. All the glory belongs to God because without His breath I wouldn't be living.

I Love You But Not More Than God & Jesus

So I've been substitute teaching since the last week in October. When I got the assignment I knew it was a month long assignment at an elementary school, but I didn't know what grade, subject, etc.

I was elated when I found out it was music. I'm not a musician, but I'm musical. The first week we sang songs from youtube and danced around the room. One of the little girls came up to me after school and said, "I love you music teacher....but not more than God and Jesus." That warmed my heart!!  Watching the youtube videos got a little loud so this week I decided to let the students watch movies that were musical--Sing, Trolls, Moana, etc. All of these Disney, Dreamworks movies have cute singing scenes and the students seem to know all the words.  I've never watched these movies (I've been meaning too, but since I have no children, I never get around to it), so I'm surprised at how much I love them. One movie in particular has really hit home.

Some background....

A few weeks ago I was at Bible student and the subject was "Being Battle Ready." Basically saying that as Christians we have to know that the enemy (the devil) hates that we have decided to believe and follow Jesus, so his agenda is to defeat us in every area of our lives. Therefore, we have to consciously arm ourselves and stay ready for the fight. As she was teaching us, she said that some of us have been so beaten down so much and have fought so much and have failed so much (my words, not hers) that we don't trust God, we don't believe what God has said. As she was speaking, the words hit me and I began to get a little emotional because she was reading my life. I mean I've worked hard and fought hard and prayed and made advances, but success (what I feel as being success) in certain areas of my life has eluded me. And this year has especially been hard because I was defeated so much that I didn't feel like getting back up again. But as she was speaking I was thanking God that He cared enough to let me know that He understands where I am in life and that He won't allow me to wallow in the spirit of rejection. Because that's what happens when you give up.  You feel like God is not on your side, so why keep up the fight. And you give in to every thing that the enemy brings to you.

After the lesson she asked to pray for those who have been battling with the spirit of rejection and the rebellious side of me would not allow me to ask for prayer. As a matter of fact, my first thought was, "I ain't going up there...." Because I felt like, "what's the use?", which is another symptom of that spirit. I teetered tottered back and forth and I came up with the excuse that since I was working (I run the sound board) that I could just pray at my seat.

What I was going through at that moment reminded me of Naaman in 2 Kings 5. He was the commander of an army, but he had leprosy which was a death sentence (not literal death, but social death) in his day. He was told by the prophet to wash in the Jordan and his attitude was that of rejection. He felt like the prophet should have come down and conducted this grand gesture to heal him. He felt rejected so he didn't want to go. His servant had to talk some sense into him. What does it matter if it's the Jordan or some other river, if that's what it takes to be healed then why not do it? He came to his senses and was healed. There was another instance where lepers faced rejection in 2 Kings 7. There was famine in the land and they had two options--go into the city and risk imprisonment and death or sit at the gate and risk death. They chose to go into the city and found that no one was there. They were able to get everything they needed to survive.

So in that instance I allowed the spirit of rejection, along with rebellion and pride to overtake my mind. Yes, God can heal my heart anywhere, but this instance was about taking a bold stand against the enemy and saying that no matter what, "I won't give up" and at that moment I didn't have the strength to take a stand. Also, I was giving up on responsibility because when healing comes, you have to live and in living you have to fight. So I didn't want to make that decision to fight because "my arms are weak" and I've fought in the past and have lost. I mean I've fought a good fight and I've lost a lot of battles.

But, this is the thing....

I've got to change my mindset because I AM gonna lose some battles, but I WON'T lose the war!! That's if I can get past the spirit of rejection and believe God when He tells me that HE WILL FIGHT my battles. I don't have to fight. The ONLY thing I HAVE to fight for is MY FAITH (1 Tim 6:12) and just have the strength to STAND (Ex 14:13-14 & Eph 6:14-17). That's all I NEED strength for.....to stand and keep the faith. I was reminded of this as I was watching the movies with my elementary music students.

There is a scene in the movie Trolls, where Princess Poppy has fought hard to save her people. She gave it all she had facing death and destruction on every turn, but it was seemingly to no avail because all of her fighting caused her to have her entire tribe imprisoned. As they were all in captivity, waiting to be eaten, Poppy realized her failure and this darkness and sadness engulfed her. This darkness and sadness affected the entire tribe. Darkness spread everywhere.

OMG....I was sitting in the classroom holding back mega tears. I felt that sadness and darkness because that is what has gripped my heart over the past few months because I gave up the fight and compromised.....

As the scene unfolds Branch (who can be a representative of the Holy Spirit) comes to her aide and encourages her and gives her the strength to not give up. The scene was more dramatic because of the song being played....

In this scene God was showing me that I can't allow this spirit to continue in my life. The Holy Spirit is prompting me to hold on and fight for my faith. And that's what I'm doing!!

Here Comes The Bride

I had the cutest dream..... My sister and her husband were getting married....

Actually, my sister that I was dreaming about got married in Buffalo, NY in August, so I don't know why she was in my dreams, but this was the dream...

Pastor Riley was marrying my sister and her boyfriend. It was a small ceremony in his office. There were a few of us there to witness it and my nephew was there. That's why I think it's my other sister that is getting married because she and her boyfriend have a son. Anyway it was cute and I woke up smiling. I wish it was me!!

Why You Gotta Be a P*$$y

I met Mr. Ohio at the end of July. We went out for tacos at Applebees. He was cool. I do not remember what we talked about, but he was nice. Afterwards, I was feeling some kinda way. I mean I didn't know anything about this guy, but I was in my feelings and he was too. So naturally we made plans to spend time together over a weekend and it was great until he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship.

WHAT?

That was a slap in the face. But, he was way into having sex with me.

WHAT??

How does that happen? I mean, I am not into the whole "hookup" so what exactly do you want?

"I don't know what I want," is what he told me.

WOW???

I was duped...not by him, but the devil got me. So I broke it off. But, my heart and my body was captivated so I called him back. UGH!! But, thank God for prayer because I saw myself going down the same rabbit hole I found myself in with Mister. I needed a diversion FAST. God came through I met another guy....

But, I was still pissed. I mean how are you gonna have sex with me and not tell me that you don't want to see me anymore. Especially after you've said some of the things you've said.

"I wanna marry you"
"I'm tryna make you mine"
"Don't you wanna get pregnant?"

How can you say those things and NOT mean any of it?  WHO DOES THAT?

And then when I try to see you, you blow me off????

You, Mr. Ohio are a coward and a pussy. You aren't man enough to break it off....Thank God I have the strength to move on!!!

I Won't Do That Again

I'm seeing a pattern... You know the old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?" What happens after a third time?

Well, I've got it and I WILL NOT be tricked again!!

When I met Mister, it was love at first sight, as they say. I saw him and he saw me and we were both hit by the love bug. I'll never forget that feeling. It's intoxicating. But, we didn't get together until a year later. And that relationship turned out to not be good (I don't think...I'll explain later).

Then a year later I met Coach and it was the same thing...the butterflies, the hearts in my eyes. It took 8 years for us to get together and I KNOW that he wasn't the one for me.

So 15 years later when I meet Mr. Ohio. I should have known better. Right?  I guess time can make you forget some things. But, not again.

I met Mr. Ohio and after our first meeting I was floating to the clouds. And he was too. He was a little more level headed than me. I mean, he had been married and engaged and raised a family....so his experiences guarded his heart. I, on the other hand, fell face first into his hands.

And just like falling before, I hit the ground hard. Heart break hotel. But, I understand now. Just because you feel butterflies and cupid keeps knocking on your heart, it doesn't mean that that person is the ONE. You still have to evaluate the situation. So, I won't fall like that again. Thank God for grace and mercy and His love to bind up my broken heart so that I could move along.....

I'm learning to keep boundaries when I meet men. Captain is the new guy that I'm talking to and he's nice, but I'm just using him to move on from Ohio. Basically, Captain doesn't want children and he's not interested in God. So, I'm just enjoying his company and it's nice. But the walls will stay up.

5AM God, What Are You Saying?

I Thank GOD that HE STILL LOVES ME!! GOD IS AMAZING and I want get my life back on track.

On yesterday I was awakened at 5am because I was having a bad dream. In my dream I had a horrible time with my toilet backing up. For some reason there was a little shitzu that wasn't mine that was all muddy and I needed to give him a bath so I filled the tub up with water, but the toilet was overflowing because something was clogging it up and I was trying to get the clog out, but it wouldn't come out and I was really upset about it and I woke up.

Why, did I get up this morning and flush the toilet and it was clogged.

OMG...sometimes I just don't know when God is speaking and when a dream is just a dream, but I'm glad he told me. I contacted Roto Rooter to come and unclog my toilet.

Thank God for still speaking to me!!

Picking Up The Pieces and Unclogging Toilets.

Wow, It's been a year!!!

It's October and I'm almost in tears. Let's see...

1. I've gained 25lbs
2. I've disconnected with Christ (and He hasn't disconnected with me)
3. I've spent all my money
4. I'm failing my class (not really I had to switch to Audit)

How can I get back on track?

I was duped last year...I met Gov guy and I was determined to make him the one. I mean I was gonna be 40...why can't I be married. I waited and waited and waited. Other people had gotten married and divorced and had children and here I am....just me. I have value! I can be a good wife?

Well, I was duped because I was thinking that I could make it work, but God was like, "Nope, not him...." And I ended up mentally screwed up. I mean how to people just have sex with guy after guy without it affecting them. I mean Gov guy had my mind all jacked up. I tried to contact him this summer and he told me that when he breaks up with a person he doesn't communicate with them anymore. Dang......

So, I tried to move on and ReForm my life, but I was crazy and I met Mr. Ohio in July. I was duped again.

Dang it. What is wrong with me?

This was 2010 all over again with Coach. I met Mr. Ohio and my emotions got the best of me and I was crazy again and had to do all I could to get him off my mind. I mean he had me sending him naked pictures. Well, not naked and no I didn't send it from my phone or email...but dag he had me doing stuff that I don't just do with anyone.

So I went back to dating because I needed a replacement. I HAD to get Mr. Ohio off my mind so I wouldn't go crazy. So I met Mystery Guy.

We didn't start off with the usual "Hello, how are you, I'm fine and you, bit." After the hello, how are you we jumped into a conversation about relationships and what we like and want. He's an attractive guy, but I wasn't putting to much into it besides the great conversation because his profile said that he was non-religious and he didn't want children.

Those are two MAJOR categories for me. I mean I NEED a man of God and I WANT a baby, but we had GREAT conversations. After a few days of chatting (including video chatting which was fun) I had to be in Chicago for work so I asked him if we could meet. He agreed. But, the thing is, he thought I was lying about my reason for coming to Chicago.

I had to got to Chicago to pick up a service vehicle for work. So I booked an Amtrak ticket and I called my co-worker to ask him to pick me up at the station to take me to Evergreen Park to pick up this vehicle at my boss's house. He thought all of that was a ruse just to come see him.

WHAT? WHY WOULD I LIE JUST TO COME SEE YOU?

He wasn't convinced until I sent him a video of being on the train and being in the car with Joe, my co-worker.

WOW? I had to ask him what type of women were he meeting because I would have never come up with an elaborate ruse just to see him. If I wanted to see him I would just say, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?"

Anyway, it did the trick. I'm not really thinking about Mr. Ohio even thought I do drive by his house to see if his car is there. But, after twice talking to him and he emphatically coughing into the phone to show me that he was indeed sick, I have given up. I mean...coward. I want to call him the "P" word, but I don't want to be crass. It's not his fault that I was duped. I wasn't paying attention and the devil got me, but it's October and I can still finish this year strong. I've got 10 days left in this month and 2 months left in this year. I just have to not die (like Creole N*gga said).

So I contacted my uncle to see if he wanted to join in with me in a 21 day Reset for the month of October. I started off well, but I fell off in the end, but I'm getting back up again. I mean, it ain't over until it's over and I have to stop allowing my emotions to rule me.

This includes me being upset about my jacked up house. I have holes in my walls...it's getting cold and my toilet is over flowing...I called RotoRooter.

Stay Woke, N*ggas Creepin

Boy, this online dating stuff is a trip!!

I was listening to a new podcast called Dirty John. It's a true story of a wealthy woman who was duped by a man she met online. My mouth was opened almost the whole time listening.

I mean I am finding that there are all kinds of kinds on this internet dating. Maaaannnn, I gotta stay woke cuz the devil tricked me.

I began to realize that the last time I felt like this was with Coach. I mean when I met Coach I was on cloud nine thinking that I was gonna get married and have a baby. Boy was I so wrong. I was tricked then and I got tricked now with Mr. Ohio. I mean, I didn't know anything about Mr. Ohio, but I was feeling him. What is the deal?

I need to make sure that I stay woke cause N*ggas be trippin!!

Who You Fornicating With

I met Mr. Upgrade he had me all hot and bothered. I mean I was actually getting ready to be really irresponsible.

We have midnight prayer the 1st Saturday of every month. And because I'm on the multimedia team we have make sure the prayer service is set up. I was scheduled to be there at at 1am to make sure everything was running well.

However, I was gonna cancel because I wanted to spend time with Mr. Upgrade. but I got a call from boss man, "Hey sis, I gotta work out of town, you got it tonight?"

All I could say was, "Sure."

Dang it....

I told boss man on Sunday that I was gonna be irresponsible and text him at 10pm and cancel. He laughed. "Who you fornicating with? You not the irresponsible type......," is what he said to me.

I just laughed. His wife was a little embarrassed that he was asking me that.

God, thanks for being mindful of me!!

Am I Being Hustled

I have a profile on POF and one evening I got a message from a guy saying that he liked my picture. We exchanged numbers. He said he was from Tennesee, but moved to live in St. Louis. He called me at 5am.

WHAT?

I was working in Peru, IL so I was staying in the hotel. He said he had just finished working out with his personal trainer. and he said that his sister lost 50lbs and was now a size 6. He also said that I should try his trainer and that he'd pay for a session. So he gave me the number. He was fast talking and YES I DO need to lose weight and this may just be the motivation to get my fat butt moving. So I called the trainer and we did a session (despite me not having the right shoes). I did about 120 squats. WHY oh WHY did I do that?

At the end the of session he wanted me to sign up for his services for about $300 a month and he would give me one month free. I told him I didn't want to pay for it all upfront. I would like to pay for things on a month to month basis because my schedule changes. He tried to convince me by saying I wasn't motivated because a motivated person would sign up and just do it.

WHAT??

I don't know who you are, I just met you and how do I know that you are not gonna just take my money?  We hung up and I called the other guy back.

This was all kind of crazy. I mean I thought this guy was interested in a date or something. Then I realized that the trainer and this guy had the same area codes.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

Is this the new hustle?  Meet someone on a dating site for your business?

I mean I could do the exact same thing.....

As a matter of fact I need to find a man who can help me remodel my house.....

Cryfest:Detroit

There's a lot going on in the world as it relates to racism. It's absolutely depressing. I mean sometimes I'm in tears thinking about and hearing what's going on. It messes with your psyche...being a black person, to know that something as simple as skin color will cause so much hate. 

I went to see the movie Detroit and as I was sitting there (there were only 7 people in the theatre) I kept asking myself what I was doing there. "Why am I watching is movie?" I mean I can watch the news and see this exact same thing. I stayed until the end and I was horrified. I mean absolutely HORRIFIED.  But, God is good and I know some people are so angry that they dismiss God in some situations. Yes, slavery happened, yes lynching and separate, but equal happened, but we can never leave God out. We CAN'T. In the Bible God told Abraham that his decedents would be held captive in slavery for 400 years, but in the end he was gonna bring them out with a MIGHTY deliverance.  

As I sat and watch the ending of the movie I just cried because the young musician could not go back to his old life. But he turned to the grace and love of God. He had nobody to get him through that hell but God and sometimes I think about my life and the abuse that I've been in and I often ask God why and I dismiss God and I turn my back on him because of the struggle that I go through, but no matter what God had NEVER left me and I Thank God for it!!

Thank You Jesus for your love and grace!!

White Castle Made Me Pee My Pants

I don't like living by myself. I always have this fear that something is gonna happen to me and no one will find me for days and days.....

I was eating White Castle sliders. I didn't realize that they put hot pepper cheese on the sandwich and the vapor from the heat made me inhale the wrong way and I ended up in the coughing fit. I couldn't catch my breath. I was coughing so hard and so much that I pee'd my pants.

OMG

White Castle, when I order regular cheese sliders I just want regular cheese, NOT hot cheese.

What Customer Service

Has customer service gone the way of the rotary phone? I mean you see them every now and then, but they are not being used often. LOL.

I was paying for a paint night and I was looking over the website to see if I could bring my own food. I couldn't find the information so I send a message over FB to ask about it. The message she sends me was rude..."You can find the information on the website, but yes can you bring food. " Thanks, dang. I didn't want to shoot back at her and tell her that I looked, because I did really look. I just couldn't find the information. I mean, maybe your website is just jacked up and if I can't find the information then it might need to be moved. Just answer the question as nicely as I asked. WOW.

Another instance of poor customer service. I guess I understand this one, but it could have been handled better...

I rent tons of cars through AVIS rental car. Like every month and sometimes 2 or 3 times a month. The same lady that I rent from works the counter every time. Sometimes I schedule a pick up at 8 am when the counter opens and she's not there. I prepay online and I have a premium card that is supposed to allow me to just grab the keys and go. So why do I always have to wait when I reserve at 8am? It's happened at least 3 out of 4 times.  Because I've been renting cars every month for the past 3 years I would say that I"m a loyal customer. So why am I not treated like that? I guess this is where my "privilege" mentality is coming it at, but without loyal customers some businesses will fail. So I spend money in exchange for good customer services.  Well, the last straw was when I pick up the keys to a vehicle, but I didn't necessarily pick up the vehicle because I didn't have the time. However, upon picking up the keys at 9pm, there were two services lights on in the car. I was supposed to drove to St. Louis to get to a concert at 11pm. WHAT am I supposed to do with bells and alarms going off in the car. Luckily I cancelled going to the concert, so I just drove the car home and took it back the next day. WHY OH WHY was I charged for gas? WHAT? I drove 12 miles and the was still on full. I called an argued with the lady and told her that I should not be charged because I could not even drive the car. She tried to say that all I had to do was call the roadside assistance. WHAT? Why would I even do that and be late to where I"m going? I guess if I had time I would do that, but I had no time for that. So I just didn't go. I paid for a useless car as least give me the benefit of the doubt and not charge me for gas. DANG. She finally relented and said she would waive the charges this time.

WOW...I haven't been back to AVIS rental car.

I Almost Burned My House Down

I was some cleaning in my house--folding laundry, vacuuming, etc all while listening to music. I decided to light some scented oil...my favorite scented oil while cleaning. And clean I did....until I turned around and fire was shooting up towards the ceiling from my scented oil. I jumped into action and ran towards the mantel, moving frantically. I grabbed the oil lamp and tried to move it to the sink. Fire was falling on the floor...OMG, I was frantic. I finally got it to the sink and snuffed out the fire with the water.

Whew.....

I can't believe that I just almost burned down my house. There have been times when I've left the oil lamp burning when I've left the house. Thank God I didn't leave. Basically, the top of the oil lamp was cracked and the oil seeped through to the candle. Yep, that one is in the trash.

God, what am I doing with this house? Help me!!

I Just Broke Up With a Man I Love

"This is my confidence, you've never failed me yet...." (Do It Again-Elevation Worship)

I met this guy on POF....Let's call him Mr. Ohio. Went went to tacos at Applebees on July 30. I was actually gonna travel to go see him, but I was so tired that he came to Decatur. He looked different from his pics, but he was still attractive. After I left, I text him that I liked him. Not sure why and I was trying and trying to figure it out. Well anyway. we talked on the phone and made plans to hang out over the weekend. I was gonna see him on my way to Ohio, but he convinced me to come see him before and we had a wonderful time. Yes, we did the do and it was sweet. He made me a full breakfast and we made dinner together. As we were talking and getting to know each other, he revealed that he had a vasectomy.

Oh boy....not good. Especially since the night before, he said to me (while trying to convince me to have sex with him) "don't you wanna get pregnant?"  What??? Why would you say that to me? Of course I wanna get pregnant!!!! But, that's not why we gonna have sex. OMG.

So, when he said that, I was kind of baffled....like why in the world would he say that if it was not just a ploy to have sex.

Anyway, times goes on and I'm thinking about him and I can't get him off my mind. But, I don't know why. I mean, he's not all that. I kept wondering if I was desperate. I mean, I am 40. God help me. On Friday we hung out again. I was thoroughly exhausted, but I wanted to see him. So I packed up and drove to see him. We had a nice night watching movies. Then off to bed where I refused to have sex with him, but gave in because I was so turned of.

Why did I do that?

He flipped the script and had me singing......

I don't think anyone has made me sing before?!

The next morning I was saying to him that I couldn't be with him and that he was gonna break my heart. Well, he agreed that he was a heart breaker and I told him I believe him. I mean, why say it if you don't mean it. I mean, you did say the thing about pregnancy when you know good and well, you can't reproduce. So I made it up in my mind that I wouldn't see him again.

I need a man who needs me and he doesn't need me. I mean, he's been married. His ex-wife has 3 children and he still looks at them as his children. What do you want me for? And he's spoiled. He thinks he can get everything he wants.

So, when he called me today I just told him that I thought we wanted two different things and that I don't think it would work out between us. He didn't do much to convince me otherwise. so I broke up with him.

And now my heart is hurt because I was really into him. I mean, he is the guy that I want to love. My dad says to marry up and he's up. I mean...he's way up there and he would upgrade me and I would want to meet his standards, but I don't right now which makes me so insecure. I mean...I am a wreck right now and if I showed him who I was, he wouldn't want me anyway, so it's better this way.

OMG....God help me, please!!!

How Do Miracles Happen?

I was working out of town on Friday and I got a call from my cousin Toni, "Phillip is in the hospital, he coded, I need you to call everyone..."

"Huh, what? WHO is in the hospital?" I was saying nervously. I was working in rural Illinois so my AT&T connection was not very strong so I didn't hear her correctly or at least I didn't think I heard her correctly.

"I gotta go, call everyone," she said as she hung up.

I was confused and disoriented. "Who did she say? I think she said Phillip, but would he be in the hospital?" I was thinking to myself. I went back to the car to try to make sense of what she was saying. I was trying to figure out who to call to get more information. I mean...Phillip is our 31 year old cousin. Why would he be in the hospital.

I called my aunt.

"What's going on?" I asked calmly.

"Phillip is in the hospital, he coded and we are on our way up there," she said.

I don't remember much else of what she said. My heart started hurting. I remember crying and calling my brothers and sisters. I was confused trying to drive. I had to pull over in a gas station parking lot to compose myself and to pray.

All I could do was pray and pray is what I did.

I was trying to make sense of the day. What in the world was going on? So I prayed....I called my friend to tell her that I would be back in town to drop off her keys and I told her what happened. I called another church friend to let him know that I wouldn't be at church that night and I told him what was going on. I was trying to think.

I called my Apostle's wife and left her a message. I'm not sure how long I sat, but then I began to replay my morning...

I had just listened to a man give his account of dying from being shot 5 times. He thought someone turned the lights out because it was really dark, but they pronounced him dead. He had tag on his toe and he was in the morgue. When the lights came on he opened his eyes. He was trying to figure out where he was...he was on a steel table and he was naked. Then he saw a man standing over him with some type of equipment. He asked the man what he was getting ready to do.  The man ran out the door. So the guy on the steel table gets up and walks out the room down the hallways. People are staring and the doctors try to talk to him and tell him that he needs to stay in the hospital. They were all amazed and not really sure about what to do because he had been shot 5 times, pronounced dead, and now he's up walking and wants to go home.

Well, they let him go because he lived down the street. He makes his way home and his daughter answers the door and faints. The man starts to yell and his wife comes into the room, sees him and she faints. He's trying to figure out what is going on. His wife and daughter come to and they explain to him that he was pronounced dead. They saw him lying on the table.....DEAD. No heart beat. nothing. The man tells them that he's not dead now and he kissed the ground.

So as I'm crying to God for mercy and grace to not let my cousin die, I remember this story and I begin to reason with God about how it is that I just listened to this miracle and now my cousin is in a situation where a miracle is needed. I was praying to God for a miracle.

I got a phone call from my brother (after the text that said he has a heart beat but it is weak). My brother said he talked to the doctor and they found out that he had pulmonary embolism and a blood clot broke off and traveled to his heart. That's what stopped his heart. They revived his heart, put him on life support and had to put him into a coma to save his brain. A brain can't go long without oxygen.

There is hope, I thought. I kept praying while updating my family.

In the meantime my sister from Chicago and I were planning to drive home together, but we decided that since it sounds like he's getting better maybe we should not try to head there at that time, but wake up in the morning and start fresh.

We got a call around 8pm that he took a turn for the worse. We hit the highway. I got to the hospital at 3am. I went to my cousin's bed praying. I touched him and my insides started shaking. I didn't know what was going on in my body, but all I could do is pray and watch the monitors. His blood pressure was not good.  I prayed and prayed. I went home around 4:30am.

To Be Continued...

Grilled Cheese Restaurant

I just came back from California. My brother bought a plane ticker for my niece to come visit him, but he said he didn't take off work and she would be there for 10 days. My niece is 13. So I offered to come hang out with her and them for her vacation. But my trip wouldn't be 10 days, but only 7. And I didn't fly into San Diego I few into Las Vegas and rented a car to drive 5 hours to San Diego. My flight and rental car was about $500 and if I would have gotten a flight from Chicago or St. Louis to San Diego, it would have been about $600 and then I would have had to travel to St. Louis or Chicago, so I got a good deal.

We went to Coronado Beach, La Jolla Beach, and Mission Bay to go jet skiing. We also enjoyed the water park for a day.

When we went to L.A. we stayed in Hacienda Heights which is about 25 miles from LA, but with traffic it takes about 50 minutes to get to LA. We walked up to the Griffeth Observatory to see the Hollywood sign and then we walked down Hollywood Boulevard. Overall I had a wonderful time. I really don't need to visit LA again, but my family wants to go next year. So....we are going.

Anyway, there are so many good restaurants and the so much to see. I just saw billboard and billboard of ads for all types of shows and concerts. It was amazing. I have not been to NYC, but I'm always in Chicago and LA seems "more." I don't know if that describes it...I did find my way to Beverly Hills and I went to West Angeles on Sunday morning....


Create Your Own Visited States Map

Dead Man Dream

I used to be a teacher. I taught 9th grade health and 12 grade career development. I loved being a teacher. I enjoyed my students. Every now and then I'd get a student that just didn't care for me. Sometimes I'd feel the same about that student or others.

I had a young man who was a 10th grader in my class and he just didn't care for me. He seemed (this is me judging what I knew about him) like the white, pickup trucker, confederate flag bearer sort of person. Not saying that pick up trucks are associated with confederate flags...But there was this "red neck" sort of vibe I got from him. He wasn't blatantly disrespectful, but I got the vibe.

Anyway, he passed my class and went on to graduate. All of my students whom I taught in their freshmen year during my first years of teaching are now in their mid20s. I see some them of and some are married and have children of their own. It makes me feel old to see that someone I knew at 14 is now a 25 year old with children.

Anyhow, on last year I saw a post on FB that this young man had died. My heart hurt. He was so young and picture they posted was beautiful. I am tearing up now thinking about it. He died right before Christmas last year. Heart breaking.

So, it was strange that I was dreaming and he was in my dreams. In the dream I was working and he was my partner and I was upset at him because he was doing things a little differently from me.

It was such an odd dream.

God, why am I dreaming about a dead man?

*Update*
I just read his obituary. He was an only child and he said passed before him. I think I remember his dad and mom visiting me for parent teacher conferences. In his obituary it said he was called "Farmer Brad." I can't imagine his mom losing her husband and then an only son. I pray for her mind, in Jesus' name. Amen.

The GRACE of God, The LOVE of God

I am in a time of reformation in my life. Things NEED to change so that I can move on and live out my destiny. But, I've been emotional and battling with my past relationships and hurts and pains. I was listening to Joyce Meyer today and all day I have been trying not to cry because what she was ministering was speaking to my spirit, but I have this wrestle going on....

Anyway,

For my 40th bday I wanted to get a new tattoo, but I haven't found an artist so I decided to buy myself a ring. I've been preoccupied with marriage so to get that off my mind I heard of a concept that at first I thought was silly....Marrying Myself. I first heard it here:

Then I heard it here:




So, I thought I'd give it a try for myself. I mean, no one can love me like I can love me, right?

I bought a ring. I am toying with the idea of a ceremony or something special with a cake and music, but I bought the ring. And I love my ring.

I got up on Sunday and got dressed, went to church and as the service was starting I noticed that my ring was missing?

Oh my.....I bothered me for a little bit, but later on when I got home I found it in my bed. See, when I'm putting lotion on I take my ring off and somehow I just forgot to put it back on.

Well...today as I was working I went to the bathroom and got back into my car and went along my way. I made it to my second stop and realized my ring was missing. I got back into my car and went to the store where I used the restroom....no ring. I searched my car...nothing. Dag...the tears were starting to well up. But, I needed to finish working. I almost had a pity party and I almost was about to revert to some old ways...binge eating when I'm in a funk, etc, but as the woman of God was ministering. I held it together. I was a little teary, but I refused to cry.

Rewind a lil...

As I was working (before I lost my ring) I lost my favorite pen that I was using for my work. It's not a favorite pen that I use all the time, it's just my favorite TYPE of pen and I lost it. It bothered me and I loooked and looked for it, but it was gone. DANG. So I used another pen and went on about my day. After searching for my ring, it was like the pen just magically appeared.

WHAT????  Now I"m trying to figure out where the pen came from because I looked and looked.

So, I'm driving in the car and I just say a little prayer. I said to the Holy Spirit, that He knows where the ring is and I'm not gonna get upset about it because if it's God's will for me to find the ring, I will find the ring. Just like this pen just showed up, and it was lost and I like to use this pen, I will find the ring if it's the will of God. I was still a little teary and in the back of my mind I was thinking that I was gonna marry myself with this ring. Then I had a flashback of losing my 2 fav rings in the airport in St. Louis and not knowing it until I got all the way home....but I wasn't gonna let that get me discouraged. I just went on about my way working and as I drove I realized that I stopped one place after using the restroom. I went back to that place and searched the parking lot and low and behold I saw my diamonds and gold sparkling on the ground in the sunlight.

God just showed me His love and His grace.

Thank you God for the little miracles in my life. I will say this, not only did I pray my little prayer, I also prayed that whoever found the ring would be blessed because it was bought in love.....

So now I am definitely planning a marry myself ceremony!!

Just Another P*$$y

So I'm listening to Elna Baker talk about her journey to becoming a thin person. She is telling a very vulnerable story about losing 110lbs and how she compared her life from the time she was fat to now that she is skinny. She told the story of a guy that lived in her building she has spoken to him all the time when she was fat. But, then she got skinny and they went out. He didn't even remember who she was. She didn't tell him that they knew each other, and she dated him for 2 months before she realized that she couldn't be with him anymore.

As she was talking I got to thinking about my NOLA trip and how Casey hasn't said a word to me since that trip. I mean, I almost let him stick his dick in my and he can't even say the occassional "Hi, how are you?" So meeting me in NOLA wasn't to get to know me and to make a new friend, it was to get pussy. DANG.

I guess I'm thinking about this because I feel kind of lonely and it would be nice to make a friend, but I can't be friends with a guy who just wants to sleep with me.....I don't want to be just another pussy.

Communication and Judgement

I thank God for showing me me. I need help with this life. As I've been planning my sister's baby shower, I have been quiet because my family can be so critical. I mean instead of being supportive they judge and make you feel so much like crap that I have just been keeping quiet. We are all on Marco Polo (except for my baby sis). And they have been on there asking questions. Granted I got a new phone and the app is on my old phone so I don't get the messages until late, but they would ask a question and I wouldn't get on to answer the. I really realized it when I told everyone that I would bea there on Sunday at 1pm but realized that it would be way later because I needed to stay at church longer. I should have just communicated and said, "Hey I'm gonna be at church, my plan is to be here at 1, but it may be later. " That would have been simple. I know that now, so I'm gonna open my mouth more so that people will understand what's going on.

On another note, my family is so judgemental and I hate it. So, the Bible says, Judge not, that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. God is the ultimate judge and when we judge people we put ourselves in the position of a god and we have no right because we are all sinners and we all have done wrong, so who are we to keep an account of what other's and done and we throw it back into their face just like a judge and was sentence them to what we want to sentence them to, not knowing that we deserve the same exact sentence. But, the thing about God is that He gives us GRACE and MERCY. We deserve DEATH for our wrong. Yes, the Bible says that the wages of sin is DEATH. So we deserve DEATH, but HIS GRACE and MERCY holds DEATH back so that we can have a chance to repent and accept His GRACE AND MERCY. That's what happens when we accept Christ. He showers us with His GRACE and MERCY. I NEED HIS GRACE and MERCY. So how dare we sit in the seat as a judge and condemn anyone to hell?! We have no right!!

And that's what's going on in my family.

On last year when we were all together (my mother's children) at my uncle's house I was in the house trying to go to sleep and my baby sister and her husband was trying to go to sleep too. And all we heard was our other brothers and sisters laughing and talking about our baby sister.

I FELT SO HURT for her because my whole life I had to sit and listen to my aunts and my grandmother talk back about my mother. They would laugh at her and make fun of her. My mother was the black sheep. And now her children were doing the same thing. While planning the baby shower I invited her and she sent me a nasty message about not coming. At first I was shocked because I didn't understand, but then I talked to my brother and he told me about the animosity between her and my other sister, but then I started to realize that it's more than that. My two sisters are both angry at each other, but my baby sister did'nt want to come because she feels like her whole family is against her, I wouldn't show up either if I had to sit and listen to my family talk back about me....while my husband was there!!

I don't care what a person has done, no one deserves that and my oldest brother who was on the people laughing and talking the loudest, know better. I mean he was ready to come home and cuss my aunts and uncles out for how we were treated when we were young and now he is doing the same thing to our baby sister. He should know better!!

Fire Alarm and Bad Dreams

I have been planning my sister's baby shower and it has costed me a lot of money and now over the last few days, a lot of sleep. I don't remember many of my dreams, but when I do I like to document them. I had a dream last night that scared me. Well before the dream, I was sleeping and I heard this alarm go off. I jumped and tried to figure out what the alarm was. It sounded like the fire alarm that only beeped once, but why would that happen? I got scared and got out of bed to check the fire and carbon monoxide alarms. They were working properly so I decided to pray a little and then I went back to sleep. I realized that sometimes God just wants me to talk to Him and He needs to get my attention. So I prayed and I turned on the audio Bible. I fell back to sleep.

I was awakened not long afterwards because I had to most horrible dream. In the dream my sister Tianda was choking with a huge blockage in her throat. It was like she had huge tumors choking her. Then the dream switched to some people who were on the highway and the person who was driving was going fastly around the curve on the bridge and for some reason the person reached down to get something on the floor and took her eyes off the road and lost control of the car and the car hit the side of the bridge and went flying over. I woke up before it hit the ground. I started praying for my family because they were traveling from out of town.

This was the worst dream I've had in a long time. I pray for God's angels to surround my family in Jesus' name. Amen.

Hand Between My Legs, Creole N****ger

I am 40!!!! Yay!!

I wish I can have confetti burst out every time I say that because I am so happy to be 40. This is a great turn of events because for weeks I was anxious, but God turned it around. Won't He do it?!!

Anyway, I celebrated with a last minute trip to to New Orleans. I wanted to go to Puerto Rico, but it was too expensive. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. It doesn't take much to entertain me so just seeing the city was good for me. I mistakenly booked the wrong hotel. I thought I was booking a hotel in New Orleans, but it was 45 minutes away. It was still okay. I also booked an AirBNB for the first time because I needed to fly out of Chicago and I didn't want to have to drive to Chicago so I took the train and that limited me on my travel (the train only ran certain times, my flight was leaving at 8am and I live 3 hours away...) The AirBNB experience was not great.

This was my first experience with AirBnB so I didn't know what to book and what to expect. I booked at $40 room and it was just that....a $40 room. Think crappy Motel 6. So on the way back from Chicago I booked an $80 room and it was less crappy, but still crappy. The good thing is that I only needed a place to sleep and shower. So no biggie.

Anyway....

I was so tired when I got to NOLA, but the first thing I did was go to the French Quarter.

I got beignets and a muffaletta because I was hungry. I saw lots of bands playing on the streets and the art was amazing. I love the look of New Orleans. I met a Mardi Gras Indian Chief. Thta was wild. I saw orange feathers walking down the street. WHAT IN THE WORLD? It was hot too, so why was this orange little bird walking down the street?! He stopped so people could take his picture and I snapped a few shots and asked about his costume. I was immediately corrected. It wasn't a costume, it was a suit. I didn't hear his whole story, so I was thinking that he was an Indian Chief in an orange feather suit. It wasn't until later when learning about Mardi Gras that I realized he wasn't an Indian Chief. LOL.

I walked down to the river and back up. I even took a pic with a black man in a gorilla suit. Too funny. I asked him what his deal was because he was just grabbing people to take pics with. He told me he was a former rapper (he named some groups that I didn't know), but he needed a stchick. So the gorrilla suit was his thing. Then he told me to put some money ins his pocket. LOL. If I was a drinker I would have not been without a place to drink, but the alcohol was flowing.

After walking all around the French Quarter. I headed to the hotel and went to bed.

On Wednesday it rained so I just walked around the mall. It was a small mall, but like I said I am easily amused so it didn't bother me. I was just enjoying myself.

While walking around in the mall a guy comes up to me. He sees my "Happy 40th Birthday" button and he starts talking to me about my birthday and what I was doing there. He was there to promote his business. I asked him what people did down there in the rain and he mentioned if I had a boo, then I would hand out with my boo. I laughed and told him that that is exactly what I would be doing if I had a boo, but since I was single, I needed something to do. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to some crawfish. He said he knew a place. I followed through the storm to a crawfish place and we got 3lbs of crawfish, sausage, corn, and potatoes. He came back with me to the hotel lobby and we talked and ate crawfish. I had never had crawfish before. It was okay. It reminded me of a mix between shrimp and lobster. But it was cheap and you eat with your hands. I had a good convo with the guy I met and he was FINE. And we had a LOT in common. But....

He was 28. DANG!!! Anyway, we had a good time talking and by the time we finished the rain had

stopped and I headed to canal street to hang out. The trolley cars on Canal street scared me. As I was driving, I had to stop on the tracks for the light, so I was scared that I would be blocking the trolley, not realizing that the trolley cars had to obey the stop lights too. LOL. Canal Street reminded me of Michigan Ave, but smaller. Another thing that reminded me of Chicago was all the homeless people. Downtown Chicago you see them, but there are way more in NOLA. I mean, I walked down one street in the French Quarter and there was a girl laying in this alcove on a mattress. WOW. You really don't see that in Chicago. Also, there was a tent city underneath the bridge. That amazed me. At the end of the night I got a text from my new friend. He wanted to hang out with me at the hotel. No problem at all. I love company. We chatted and watched TV, then he spend the night....

Now....let me rewind a lil....

When I told my aunt I was going to NOLA, she said to me, "Don't you mess with no Creole N*****gga. I laughed and laughed. She didn't. She was serious. I didn't think much about it when I met Casey. I mean, I was just happy to meet a guy. I haven't been on a date in forever and he was nice and looked good and we had a good time together. I felt like we are two adults and if he wants to stay the night, that's fine. I just told him that he needed to keep his body parts to himself. He was cool with that. He tried to kiss me, but I wasn't feeling it. I mean I did make this vow to myself....

The problem is that I enjoy and nice warm hard body next to me, holding me at night. So, it became a
problem when he put is hand between my legs in the middle of the night. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.....my only saving grace was the fact that Aunt Flo was in town. So, yes we kissed and was all over each other, but no hanky panky. THANK YOU, JESUS! I have no idea how I figured I would be able to control my body. But, THANKS BE TO GOD WHO ALWAYS......

Anyway, we finally went to sleep. The next morning was another round of rolling in the hay, but his stick wasn't taking a dip. LOL. He left, I took a shower (even thought I enjoyed smelling like him). When I got out the shower, I realized that even though we didn't do the doo Aunt Flo had spilled over all in the bed. I'm glad he didn't see that, that would have been embarrassing.

I went to the French Market on Thursday and then went to the Lower Ninth Ward. I don't know what I expected, but it just looked a little like the south side of Chicago, but with a NOLA flair. There was a Lower Ninth Ward museum that I wanted to visit, but it was closed by the time I got there. After that I went to the Jazz in the park event. I saw the Mahalia Jackson Center. Then went to a paint party. This isn't my painting, but mine looks just like this. During the paint party there was a parade. Yep, a parade at 8pm in the dark. Only in NOLA. They told me that it was probably someones wedding. So when I left the paint party I went the Frenchmen street and that's exactly what it was. And it was May 4th, so there was as storm trooper too. They were having a blast. I left there and went back to the hotel. After I got me a Po Boy sandwich, or course. and my friend came to visit again. And yes, as we were sleeping he tried to get me again. It was fun, but again, thanks to Aunt Flo, it was a NO GO. LOL.

The next morning while rolling around with him, I got calls from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. THAT TRULY MADE MY DAY. The last call came from my aunt. "You didn't get you no Creole Dick, did you? " I cracked up and laughing and made her say again on speaker phone because right at that moment I was laying on top of him with his Creole Dick pressing up against my hot button.

"You didn't get you know Creole Dick, did you?" She asked while I was laughing.

"I tried to give it to her, she didn't want it!" He laughed and said. And we both were cracking up laughing. My aunt did't hear his reply. I got of the phone with her and Casey and I went to find something to eat, runs some errands and then I was off to the airport.

I got back to Chicago so tired and so late because the flight had to sit on the tarmac because there was no gate to pull into, Then I was so hungry I stayed in line at the only restaurant that was still open after 10pm at the aiport--McDonalds. I got to my less crappy AirBNB at almost midnight and I crashed.

It didn't dawn on my until I got home that my aunt was warning me because she knew that some

people will go on vacation and have sex. My mind was blown. Sex was the last thing on my mind and slowly I started wondering if that was his purpose for hanging out with me. Yes, we friended each other on FB while we were there, but since the trip I have gotten no text, my inbox message, nothing. LOL

Quitters Fail, Cowards Fail

I don't fail. Quitters fail. Cowards fail. I do not fail and I'm not gonna start now.--Justin Talbot (Michael Ealy on Being Mary Jane)

When he said that, it hit my spirit. How many times have I quit? Quit on projects, quit on friends and relationships, quit on God...quit on myself.

I THANK GOD that He NEVER quit on me and because of that I square my shoulders, pick myself up and and keep going! God has been too good to me over these past 40 years and I want to show Him that appreciate His love by giving my life to him and NOT GIVING UP!!

So I may be down....but IT AIN'T OVER TIL IT'S OVER!!

Nights Haunt Me....

I WILL BE 40 IN A FEW WEEKS....

 And this is the first time I've been able to say it. I mean, 40 is REALLY young in the grand scheme of things, but facing 40 has been a challenge. I prayed to God to help me with the 40 anxiety and I was listening to S-Town, and John was talking about how he was 48 years old and he was living this blah life. He was saying how he felt like he was stuck in S-Town. As he was talking I realized that I understood where he was coming from. But this guy was over the top. I mean I listened to the entire first show with my mouth open. I was so shocked at this guy.  Then....

***SPOILER ***

He kills himself.

WHAT??!!!!

I mean I felt that he was depressed, but really. REALLY.

So as I was listening I  snapped out of my 40 anxiety because life is GREAT is GOD is GREAT and I THANK GOD for the 40 short years that I have been here and I'm looking forward to 40 more!!

Anyway.....

For about 37 years I've been having sex.

WHAT???!!!

Yes, I was molested by a cousin as a child and it wasn't a molestation where I was penetrated, but oral sex was involved and that lead me to having sex with my sister up until I was in the 4th grade. I had no idea what sex was, but we would do it at night because we slept in the same bed up until I was in the 8th grade. After we were caught I realized that it was wrong and we stopped, but that lead to masturbation.

Then when I was 15 I was introduced to sex with a boy and because I did not having the skills, knowledge, and courage, I just let it happen. Which led to promiscuity and a LOT of HEARTACHE. So this is has been something that has plagued me for most of my life.

Now I will be 40 and I want to live for Christ and I want control over my body, but the night haunts me. It's like I'm a different person, I don't even think about it, it just happens and I wake up in the morning and deal with the guilt of a lack of discipline and control over my body.

Huh....

I know God can do ANYTHING. And I'm going to work WITH the Holy Spirit to gain control over this part of my life.

Bullied His Whole Life

So I was listening to the Criminal Podcast and this story was so crazy...

A man in his 40s had been extorted for over $100k during a 25 year stint. He was extorted until the day he died.

His name was Robert. It all started with a traffic jam in California. He was some sort of engineer on his way home from work and to avoid the dreaded traffic he decided to get off on the nearest exit to drive through town. But, the exit he got off on was the worst exit. He landed in Compton, CA. As he was driving he saw his surroundings and was quickly trying to find his way back to the highway, but he made one wrong turn after another and was driving deeper and deeper into slum neighborhoods. He got spooked when he saw a gang of young men chasing his car through the neighborhood and trying to speed away he side swiped a vehicle. He nervously slowed down because you can't hit someone's car and not stop.

As he stopped he saw the guys nearing him in his rear view mirror. Suddenly, his car door wrenched open and a man scooted him over and got into the driver's seat. He was frantic.

The year was 1979 and his car had a bench seat and no one wore seatbelts during that time. He was a thin white man about 5ft tall. There was no way he was getting out of that neighborhood unharmed with those boys chasing his car.

The man that got into his car told him that he was saving his life. And he drove him to the highway. During the drive the man told Robert that the car he hit was his mom's. Robert gave the man his name, phone number and address. And told him that he would pay for the damages.

The next day the man came over to collect payment. He told him the estimate was over $4k. Robert thought it was an inflated number, but he was grateful that the man got him out of the neighborhood. He was relieved. But that's not where the story ends. The man kept coming back time after time and year after year--asking Robert for money. Extorting him. Telling him that if he didn't pay him he would harm his family. Robert lived near his parents. He never married and had no children. So, he did what the man told him. Even when the man was in prison, Robert still payed.

WHAT????

It wasn't until over 20 years later, Robert was told that the man was going to kill his girlfriend and flee the country so he needed $8k, that he went to the police. Robert kept meticulous notes and check stubs totaling the extortion. The state had a case against the man...but right before the case went to trial, Robert died.

WHAT???????

He was quite embarrased by the whole thing and NEVER told a soul. He just suffered and endured in silence.

God, help me!!

The devil will bully people and they will just suffer in silence....I don't want to be that way!! God HELP!!

https://soundcloud.com/criminalshow/ep-11-im-about-to-save-your-life

Don't Know Why But I'm Grateful

I've been on the road a lot. I drove 615 miles for work on Friday. On today I left home at 7am to drive 150 miles to work in St. Clair County. When I got there we had to cancel. It was 9:35 am.

The thing is I had this feeling on yesterday that something was gonna be up with this trip. I don't mind the cancellation-I still get paid even though it's a waste of time and money. However, in my spirit today I just felt uneasy a little. There was just something off a little. So I prayed for traveling grace and mercy. I prayed for my family. I prayed for the will of God to be done.

As the cancellation was happening I asked coworker to make a call for me because my brake light had come on on Friday. She did and they told her that I would be able to switch my car for another one until my car gets fixed. No problem, right?

Wrong!!

Before going to the garage I stopped at my moms house. Chatted with her for a little bit. I went to the library, dry cleaners and called my brother to see if he was home so I could stop by. He wasn't so I made my way to the garage. I got to the garage at 12:50pm and they told me that they didn't have any cars to loan. So I'm 150 miles from home and they are telling me that I can't get home because driving with the brake light on was unsafe.  So what as I sposed to do? Thumb it home?  I asked the service guy that.

I called my boss and she said that maybe she could get someone to come get me. Well my partner was in Chicago so that wasn't going to happen. And I didn't want my partner that I was working with to have to drive 5 hours to get me home especially since she has small children at home and she wouldn't get home til 6pm. So I told my boss I would uber to the train and then take Amtrak home. I got off the phone and realized that uber may cost me $30 but I could take the bus to the metro link that takes me to Amtrak. But the bus stop was 3.249 miles away. Hmmm....I did say that I wanted to get in 12,000 steps per day.

Nope....not today. It was drizzling outside and chilly and I had a heavy bookbag, a heavy file case and some awkward UPS boxes. If it was a nice day and I didn't have all my acuchamonts I would have made the hike.

My $10 uber picked me up at 1:33pm and took me the 3.249 miles to the bus depot. I paid $3 for the ride and transfer to get on the metro link. En route I called Amtrak to book my ticket. There were two trains--3pm and 5pm. I chose the 5pm because I didn't know if I was gonna make it to the train by 3. One the bus, the guy in front of me--who had to be about 50, turns around and ask, "so you texting?"

"What?" is what I was thinking. I said, "Yes."

"Can I get your name and number?"

"WHAT?" is what I was thinking. "No, I'm involved," is what I said.

"Oh, I had to ask."

"UGH," is what I was thinking.

He smelled like a distillery. I book my ticket and got off at Amtrak at 2:47. I wanted to see if I could get on the train, but I was sure they were getting ready to leave when at 2:51pm a guy runs to the window and I hear the lady tell him, "You got 5 minutes, you better run." He takes off running. The do a last call for the 3pm train. I go to the window and tell her I got a 5:30 ticket, but can I get on the train. She tells me yes and that she's changing my ticket. I take off running.

I get on the train at 2:54pm.

Thank God!!

I call my friend to ask her if she could pick me up. I get home at 6pm.

I started the day off with the uneasy feeling and I began to pray. I thank God for the sensitivity to pray. I mean, sometimes things happen and can go wrong. So I thank God for prayer.

ReFormation

That's the focus for 2017. In 2016 God began a work in me and this work is not done. He is making everything in my life right side up....

When I was purchasing my house I knew that it was my house because it reminded me of me....it was a good structure, in a good neighborhood with a good price, but it was outdated. I knew that I would be remodeling my house. It pictured my life. My life needed to be remodeled--the walls needed to be torn down and built back up--new!!

So, that is what's going on in my life right now. God is tearing down everything that is old.

I decided not to date during this season because dating distracts me. I need to be new, but dating keeps me thinking about the old. I mean, I have been having sex since I was 3 years old and I feel like I can't be close to a man and stay pure. That's not natural. I have fears in my life that control me and God's love takes away fear, so I need to be washed in His love!

As hard as it is to remodel my house and this life, I am doing it and I thank God for giving me the grace. It's going to seem like a long journey, but it's worth it. I can't wait to meet the new me!!

Vision 2017

I have traveled about 1500 miles over last weekend and in my travels I was able to visit my family in Bolivar, TN and Macon, MS. My cousin was able to take us (my baby brother, niece, and cousin) to the cemetary where our family members were buried. She then told us all about the land that our family owned. There is about 108 acres of land that is left.

I believe this is a myth, but I was told that anyone could go down to Bolivar to build a house on the land and that the land can't be sold or bartered. The reason I believe this isn't true is because some of the people have sold their land. And the land that is left is in different people's names.

I mention that because my brother, uncle and I were thinking about how we could go down there to do something with the land. From visiting I don't think that's an option.

However, in prayer this morning I began to think about my legacy and how I can continue my families legacy of being land owners. Not only do my family have land in TN, but there are about 150 acres of land in Macon, MS that my family owns. My grant aunt has about 100 acres of land and my great uncle has about 45 acres of land. My great grandmother's house used to be on the 50 acres and we were able to go visit both areas. My great grandmother's land have cotton fields on it and they lease the land to farmers and there are 16 pecan trees. I love those pecan trees. When we were little, we used to bring back bags and bags of pecans. They say that MS is the largest area that produces pecans. I would love to go down and get pecans off our land.

So in prayer I just had a vision of me and the next generation owning land. My grandmother's house sits on a corner in E St Louis. There is a huge lot next to the house, a huge lot across one street and a huge lot across the other street. All down the street the houses have been torn down. I would love to own the whole block. Then further down the street the buildings are decrepit. I would love to own it one day. I think that's what I'm going to work towards.

Also during prayer I was seeing myself working in health and business. I think I want to go ahead and apply for the MPH, Ph. D dual degree program at U of I.

Thank you Jesus for vision!!

My Visit to TN and MS

On Second Thought....

So Petrice and I had a nice convo the other day. One thing he said was that he didn't think you can ever "know" a person. That was interesting to me so he explained and I'm not sure I understand him. How can you not "know" someone or get to "know" them? I mean when you are dating, you learn about a person and you use that information to determine if you want to be with them. I even told him that the Bible says that you have to know them that labor among you (1 Thess 5). He said some other stuff, but I was still baffled.  Then he said something else that I didn't quite agree with....and it all reminded me of a time when I was on the bus listening to the bus driver talk to a man and he told that man that some stuff you don't "need" to "know." The guy and the bus driver was going back and forth. Then the bus driver asked me, "What do you think?"

What I thought was what the Bible said, "My people perish because of lack of knowledge..."

But what I said was, "What you don't know can kill you!"

The bus driver started back tracking. He wasn't expecting my answer.

Huuuhhhhhh......

I don't know what to do about this guy!! God help me!!!!

Am I Gonna Marry Petrice?

God shows us stuff all the time....

I was just sitting here and I remembered a dream I had about sitting here helping Malachi with is homework and Kate being pregnant and for some reason I was married Petrice.

Petrice (not his real name) is a guy I met a year ago. We met online. He's from Zion, IL, but he was living in Charlotte, but now he has moved to Des Moines. And we are good friends. But, I was sitting here and SOMETHING hit me. Like, really hit me. Like nothing natural, but in my spirit.

OMG, I have no idea what is going on.

GOD HELP ME!!!

When Did I Get Old Lady Legs

I looked at myself in the mirror on yesterday...

And

I HAVE OLD LADY THIGHS!!!!!

WHY??????

I'm only 35....and a few extra years. What is going on in this body. I HAVE GOT TO HIT THE GYM!!

It's Not Weird, It's Just NEW!!

I'm sitting in my house!! And it's weird. I mean, it's quiet and I'm by myself. I haven't lived by myself in a long time. I mean, yes, I lived by myself, but I've been in an apt and/or have had people living with me all my life. Now I have my own house and I'm by myself.

Why did I chose this house?

Well, the price was great, but it was deeper than that....This house is in the GREAT neighborhood. It has everything including washer and dryer...

BUT,

It needs remodeling. Yes, I need new carpet, new kitchen and bathroom tile and a new bathroom. The walls in the living room and family room are paneled too. So, the house is outdated and needs to be remodeled.

It's kind of like my life.

I will be ...... this year (I can't even say it) and my life needs remodeling.

So, as I'm remodeling my house, I'm going to remodel my life!

It's Moving Day. I'm ready!!

I close on my house in less than 3 hours. My apartment is packed up. I have movers coming....

I am READY!!