Anxiety

I'm sitting here feeling really anxious. It started on yesterday. Actually, it started some weeks some months ago, but now it's coming to a head. I've been planning to work on this grant that is extremely difficult. I though that I could just copy information from one to another, but it's way harder than that. I don't have the motivation to get it done, but I need to because it will help me!! It will help me in a way that I need to be helped. I NEED to challenge myself knowing that I did everything I could to get the job done, but the problem is I am not doing everything I need to do. I'm procrastinating. So I was going to just let it go and not do it. However, now another grant has come up and I'm anxious because I think it will come up....sounds confusing I know. but the grant that I'm working on, I didn't tell anyone that I was working on it. But now that the other grant is here, everyone has the email. So that means it has to be addressed.

So, now I have anxiety about it because I believe that we are going to work on it and not get it. Failure and I don't want to deal with the failure. The problem is how do I know we are going to fail? I'm basing all of this on past failures. But, the past is NOT now!!!! The past is NOT now!!!!

The second anxiety started on yesterday. I had an idea of a painting and I've been working on that idea and it has not been coming to fruition, but I got a call from the founder on yesterday and now I have to do the painting and I don't want to fail at it, so it is giving me anxiety.

And I want to deal with this anxiety and NOT run from it.

So I'm going to work out!!

Btw, Mister was in town on yesterday....I found out on FB. Oh boy....

Corey Brett

As I was waking up this morning, I had a dream and in this dream I saw my work email opened and there was an email from this person: Corey Brett or Cory Brent, or something like that. I have no idea who this person is and when I looked through my email directory for work there is no such person that works by that name.

What is God saying to me?

Wedding Budget

I went with a friend of mine to the Onyx Bridal Affair on yesterday. It was a beautiful event. I absolutely LOVED the fashion show. As we were speaking to all the vendors and getting free stuff, I was thinking that I NEED a wedding budget. No, I'm not engaged yet, but it will cost a pretty penny to have a nice ceremony. A photographer alone cost about $2k. DANG!!

So, in addition to my house budget, my GET OUT OF DEBT budget, and my retirement budget, I'm adding a wedding budget. I would like to have at least $10,000 in my budget. I'm not fortunate enough to have parents who will be traditional and pay for my wedding, so I'll be on my own.

I LOVE these dresses. As a matter of fact I want these two dresses!!

This would be my ceremony dress.

This would be my reception dress. It looks SO comfortable.

And this backdrop....OMG

It's all paper!!

You Are There

I'm in a hotel because I'm working out of town and I've been stalking Mister's
FB page just to get an idea of how he's doing and from Feb 8 - Feb 14--nothing. Now he has the regular stuff he post, so I think things are a little better.

But I'm here at the hotel--a little lonely. Trying to type a 5-8 page paper that is due on Sunday. I've got to get this done!!

One Week

I'm just taking it one day at a time....

It's been one week since I told Mister the truth. And I still keep seeing his face turning from a smile to utter hurt. The hurt was palpable. I wish I could take it all back. But there is nothing to do besides move forward and that's what I'm determined to do. What else is there to do? I can't make up for what I've done. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. 

This weekend I went to Dayton to celebrate my niece's bday and we drive through Indy to get there. And we see Shadeland Ave exit on the highway. Mister lives off that exit. I just said a prayer as we were passing by. Every time I think about him I say a prayer because that's all I can do. I've caused a world of hurt and I thought I could fix it. But I couldn't. So there is no going back now. 

I pray for his mind and his heart. I pray that he finds healing for his soul. Only love can change him and o pray that the love of God will take over his life. I curse the spirit of doubt and unbelief in his life. I curse the spirit of hatred and every demonic spirit that has his mind captive. And I loose the spirit of love to flood his life in Jesus name. Amen!

Home Shopping

I've been home shopping again. I have saved $6000 thanks to my tax refund (I had $3000 before my refund). So, I'm going to try again to get financing and this time I'm going to see if my credit union will give me a loan.

I found a really nice house, but it needs some work. Not a lot, but...DANG!!

I wish I had a husband because this would be the PERFECT house for me and my hubby. It needs a little bit of work, but it's HUGE and in a BEAUTIFUL neighborhood.

Here are some of the pics of what needs to be done:

Other than the tile in the kitchen and the floor, and a really good paint job...it's a great house. Of course there needs to be a home inspection because I saw this too:

I'm not sure what it is, but there is a crack in the ceiling. But an inspection will tell what that is. If I had a husband, I would make an offer and we could fix it up.

I'll pray about it some more!

Like a Bird in the Air, You Have Escaped the Snare...

To Be Continued from previous post

When I told Mister I was pregnant and he said he wanted to marry me. I got nervous. I stopped the adoption procedures even though there was a family in Florida who was interested and we had been communicating quite a bit. I also was talking to a doula because I didn't want to go into labor alone. I was making all of these plans alone, but when he found out. I needed to change plans because he had this situation happen before with a woman he was involved with 5 years prior and the woman contacted adoption agencies and had his daughter (he didn't know if it was his daughter--same situation, different woman) adopted without his knowledge. So I couldn't go that route because he was gonna have it that way and I couldn't stay with him. Our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I didn't want the headache. I mean, he was a drug addict and I grew up with an alcohol and drug addicted dad, so I didn't want that in my life. I didn't want to try to make it work. How can you walk in shoes that are too small? Eventually, your feet are going to start hurting and you aren't gonna be able to walk....Me and Mister didn't fit. 

So I did what I knew to do...I started praying. And I prayed HARD. 

I went into labor on July 27, 2004 at 25 weeks pregnant. I didn't know I was in labor I just stood up and there was liquid coming out and my jeans were soaked and I thought I had pee'd my pants. I didn't feel anything, just this fluid. I called my doc, she sounded calm, but I was freaking out and she told me to go to the emergency room. I did and they tested the fluid...it was inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid so they called my doc. She showed up, did an ultrasound and told me that I was funneling.The amniotic sac was bulging through my cervix. I was one centimeter dilated--I was in labor. 

I called Mister and told him.

He rushed to the hospital. 

I was flown to a hospital with an advanced NICU about 40 miles from where I live. Mister drove and beat us to the hospital. At around 8:30am July 28, 2004 Talia Renee made her debut. My eyes were closed the entire time. When the doctor lifted her up so I could see her, my eyes were closed. I was afraid to look. I had to have a c-section because she was breech and a baby at 25 weeks should NOT be born breech because the head is the biggest part and it could get stuck and she was already in critical condition being so premature....

I was in recovery and my eyes was closed the whole time. 

After she was born she stayed in the hospital for 20 days and then her organs began to fail. She had massive blood clots on her brain and she wasn't going to make it. There was no brain function at all. Mister couldn't take it. He left before they took her off the machines. I stayed, had my head down the whole time. When the machine stopped, I helped clean her up and I held her for the first time. I cried. Even though I prayed to God that He would take her, I cried because she was mine and she was gone.

Mister took it harder. He started smoking in addition to drinking. We were living together at that time. We started living together after I went into labor and we drove 40 miles every other day to see her and we stayed at the hospital housing and motels on the weekends because we had to work during the week. I was in graduate school--I was on maternity leave, but Mister was working so we couldn't stay the night during the week. When she died I had to plan a funeral.

To be continued....

The Belly of the Beast:Telling Him the Truth

Mister and I have been having an intense conversation about our daughter and it has ended in world war 3.

Backstory....

Mister and I met in 2002. When we met, it was like how they describe love at first sight. He saw me and I saw him and we both were smitten with each other. However, at that time I was involved in a relationship and he had a cuddy buddy. The relationship that I was involved in was not a good one, I was highly emotional and my hormones kept me tied to him. However, during November 2002, we broke up and I waited for Mister to speak to me again.

That time came in February 2003. My ex-bf decided to visit me at work--some excuse about signing up for school (I worked at a community college. Mister worked there too and was also a student.) As he was leaving I mentioned to Mister that I wasn't with him anymore.  This opened the door, "Really," he said, "I know someone who is interested in you." The conversation ended with me giving him my number. He called and we made a date to go to see a high school concert that my brothers were playing at.

After the concert I ran home to change and we made plans to get something to eat at Steak-N-Shake. As we were sitting down talking he told me that he believed in God, but he didn't believe that Jesus was the son of God. Immediately in my head I heard, "Run, get out of here...." Not because he didn't believe that Jesus was the son of God, but because this was NOT the guy that I needed to hook up with. If he didn't believe and have the same values that I had, that meant that this would not be anything more than a friendship at best. But, I sat there. Instead of having the courage to leave I sat there and we talked some more and we flirted. Heavily.....

YEP, this was why God was telling me to leave....

After all the flirting we talked on the phone late that night and he ended up in my bed.

Let me pause right here and explain more about why I should have left when I heard God say leave.

God knows EVERYTHING!! And he knows about people and what's in their heart. He knows what we like and don't like and how some things we like are NOT good for us. So He, in his infinite love and wisdom, tries to keep us away from things that are NOT good for us. However, when we don't listen it sets off a domino effect of bad things that happen because really when we disobey what He tells us to do, we actually end up with a curse on our head and only obedience will reverse the curse.

What is a curse?
A curse when we speak things or do things that invite the devil to operate in our lives. We know that God is good and the devil is bad, so if there is something bad happening, it doesn't come from God, its simply allowing God give the devil the "ok" to do something bad. God controls the devil. When we are disobedient to God, it gives the devil the "ok" to cause us harm and that harm often times helps us to realize that what we did was wrong and we learn to not do that thing again. Kind of like when our parents tell us not to do something and we do it and end up being punished. We learn to not do that again.

So, this began a curse in the relationship.

I was listening to someone talk one time and they said that no man who doesn't love God should ever date a girl who loves God because she will always break his heart. Meaning that she knows that by dating a man who doesn't love God is inviting a curse into her life, so she's always going to go back to God.

Anyway....

Our relationship was up and down--the rockiest relationship EVER because the sex was good, but I didn't love him. I loved God so I couldn't be comfortable in the relationship. I couldn't be me because me was not falling for someone who didn't love God like I loved God. So I would break up with him and then get back with him and he'd always let me back until one day he just got tired of me and said that was it.  However, we still continued to sleep together. The problem was, when he broke up with me, I had a one night stand with the ex that I had broken up with the year before and I ended up pregnant.

Yep, in February 2004 (a year after God told me what not to do) I ended up pregnant and I did not know who the baby daddy was.

And I was so ashamed.

And I was so embarrassed.

And I was so crazy.

I immediately made it up in my mind that me and Mister was done. However, because I couldn't control my body I still slept with him. Then he told me he was leaving town to get a new job and I was happy so I started the procedures for an adoption. However, the curse wasn't gonna let me get off that easy....he lost the job that he had gotten before he even started. So he wasn't moving and I didn't know how to tell him that I was pregnant because I wasn't for sure that baby was his and I didn't know how not want to be with him because it wasn't just the sex. I got emotionally involved with him. And when your body and heart is connected to someone it's hard to break that connection.

So I didn't say anything....

But he figured it out. I mean I was 20 weeks preggers and my belly was bulging. When he asked I said yes I was pregnant and he didn't say anything for a long time. We were laying the bed watching television. "Do you wanna get married?" he asked. "Not because I'm pregnant," is what I said. So I really didn't answer his questions. But, that triggered a reaction in him and he immediately began planning for our future. A few weeks later he came with me to a doctor's visit and we saw on the ultrasound that it was a girl. He was over joyed. But, I had this secret.  A month later I was in labor....


To be continued...