Dead Man Dream

I used to be a teacher. I taught 9th grade health and 12 grade career development. I loved being a teacher. I enjoyed my students. Every now and then I'd get a student that just didn't care for me. Sometimes I'd feel the same about that student or others.

I had a young man who was a 10th grader in my class and he just didn't care for me. He seemed (this is me judging what I knew about him) like the white, pickup trucker, confederate flag bearer sort of person. Not saying that pick up trucks are associated with confederate flags...But there was this "red neck" sort of vibe I got from him. He wasn't blatantly disrespectful, but I got the vibe.

Anyway, he passed my class and went on to graduate. All of my students whom I taught in their freshmen year during my first years of teaching are now in their mid20s. I see some them of and some are married and have children of their own. It makes me feel old to see that someone I knew at 14 is now a 25 year old with children.

Anyhow, on last year I saw a post on FB that this young man had died. My heart hurt. He was so young and picture they posted was beautiful. I am tearing up now thinking about it. He died right before Christmas last year. Heart breaking.

So, it was strange that I was dreaming and he was in my dreams. In the dream I was working and he was my partner and I was upset at him because he was doing things a little differently from me.

It was such an odd dream.

God, why am I dreaming about a dead man?

*Update*
I just read his obituary. He was an only child and he said passed before him. I think I remember his dad and mom visiting me for parent teacher conferences. In his obituary it said he was called "Farmer Brad." I can't imagine his mom losing her husband and then an only son. I pray for her mind, in Jesus' name. Amen.

The GRACE of God, The LOVE of God

I am in a time of reformation in my life. Things NEED to change so that I can move on and live out my destiny. But, I've been emotional and battling with my past relationships and hurts and pains. I was listening to Joyce Meyer today and all day I have been trying not to cry because what she was ministering was speaking to my spirit, but I have this wrestle going on....

Anyway,

For my 40th bday I wanted to get a new tattoo, but I haven't found an artist so I decided to buy myself a ring. I've been preoccupied with marriage so to get that off my mind I heard of a concept that at first I thought was silly....Marrying Myself. I first heard it here:

Then I heard it here:




So, I thought I'd give it a try for myself. I mean, no one can love me like I can love me, right?

I bought a ring. I am toying with the idea of a ceremony or something special with a cake and music, but I bought the ring. And I love my ring.

I got up on Sunday and got dressed, went to church and as the service was starting I noticed that my ring was missing?

Oh my.....I bothered me for a little bit, but later on when I got home I found it in my bed. See, when I'm putting lotion on I take my ring off and somehow I just forgot to put it back on.

Well...today as I was working I went to the bathroom and got back into my car and went along my way. I made it to my second stop and realized my ring was missing. I got back into my car and went to the store where I used the restroom....no ring. I searched my car...nothing. Dag...the tears were starting to well up. But, I needed to finish working. I almost had a pity party and I almost was about to revert to some old ways...binge eating when I'm in a funk, etc, but as the woman of God was ministering. I held it together. I was a little teary, but I refused to cry.

Rewind a lil...

As I was working (before I lost my ring) I lost my favorite pen that I was using for my work. It's not a favorite pen that I use all the time, it's just my favorite TYPE of pen and I lost it. It bothered me and I loooked and looked for it, but it was gone. DANG. So I used another pen and went on about my day. After searching for my ring, it was like the pen just magically appeared.

WHAT????  Now I"m trying to figure out where the pen came from because I looked and looked.

So, I'm driving in the car and I just say a little prayer. I said to the Holy Spirit, that He knows where the ring is and I'm not gonna get upset about it because if it's God's will for me to find the ring, I will find the ring. Just like this pen just showed up, and it was lost and I like to use this pen, I will find the ring if it's the will of God. I was still a little teary and in the back of my mind I was thinking that I was gonna marry myself with this ring. Then I had a flashback of losing my 2 fav rings in the airport in St. Louis and not knowing it until I got all the way home....but I wasn't gonna let that get me discouraged. I just went on about my way working and as I drove I realized that I stopped one place after using the restroom. I went back to that place and searched the parking lot and low and behold I saw my diamonds and gold sparkling on the ground in the sunlight.

God just showed me His love and His grace.

Thank you God for the little miracles in my life. I will say this, not only did I pray my little prayer, I also prayed that whoever found the ring would be blessed because it was bought in love.....

So now I am definitely planning a marry myself ceremony!!

Just Another P*$$y

So I'm listening to Elna Baker talk about her journey to becoming a thin person. She is telling a very vulnerable story about losing 110lbs and how she compared her life from the time she was fat to now that she is skinny. She told the story of a guy that lived in her building she has spoken to him all the time when she was fat. But, then she got skinny and they went out. He didn't even remember who she was. She didn't tell him that they knew each other, and she dated him for 2 months before she realized that she couldn't be with him anymore.

As she was talking I got to thinking about my NOLA trip and how Casey hasn't said a word to me since that trip. I mean, I almost let him stick his dick in my and he can't even say the occassional "Hi, how are you?" So meeting me in NOLA wasn't to get to know me and to make a new friend, it was to get pussy. DANG.

I guess I'm thinking about this because I feel kind of lonely and it would be nice to make a friend, but I can't be friends with a guy who just wants to sleep with me.....I don't want to be just another pussy.

Communication and Judgement

I thank God for showing me me. I need help with this life. As I've been planning my sister's baby shower, I have been quiet because my family can be so critical. I mean instead of being supportive they judge and make you feel so much like crap that I have just been keeping quiet. We are all on Marco Polo (except for my baby sis). And they have been on there asking questions. Granted I got a new phone and the app is on my old phone so I don't get the messages until late, but they would ask a question and I wouldn't get on to answer the. I really realized it when I told everyone that I would bea there on Sunday at 1pm but realized that it would be way later because I needed to stay at church longer. I should have just communicated and said, "Hey I'm gonna be at church, my plan is to be here at 1, but it may be later. " That would have been simple. I know that now, so I'm gonna open my mouth more so that people will understand what's going on.

On another note, my family is so judgemental and I hate it. So, the Bible says, Judge not, that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. God is the ultimate judge and when we judge people we put ourselves in the position of a god and we have no right because we are all sinners and we all have done wrong, so who are we to keep an account of what other's and done and we throw it back into their face just like a judge and was sentence them to what we want to sentence them to, not knowing that we deserve the same exact sentence. But, the thing about God is that He gives us GRACE and MERCY. We deserve DEATH for our wrong. Yes, the Bible says that the wages of sin is DEATH. So we deserve DEATH, but HIS GRACE and MERCY holds DEATH back so that we can have a chance to repent and accept His GRACE AND MERCY. That's what happens when we accept Christ. He showers us with His GRACE and MERCY. I NEED HIS GRACE and MERCY. So how dare we sit in the seat as a judge and condemn anyone to hell?! We have no right!!

And that's what's going on in my family.

On last year when we were all together (my mother's children) at my uncle's house I was in the house trying to go to sleep and my baby sister and her husband was trying to go to sleep too. And all we heard was our other brothers and sisters laughing and talking about our baby sister.

I FELT SO HURT for her because my whole life I had to sit and listen to my aunts and my grandmother talk back about my mother. They would laugh at her and make fun of her. My mother was the black sheep. And now her children were doing the same thing. While planning the baby shower I invited her and she sent me a nasty message about not coming. At first I was shocked because I didn't understand, but then I talked to my brother and he told me about the animosity between her and my other sister, but then I started to realize that it's more than that. My two sisters are both angry at each other, but my baby sister did'nt want to come because she feels like her whole family is against her, I wouldn't show up either if I had to sit and listen to my family talk back about me....while my husband was there!!

I don't care what a person has done, no one deserves that and my oldest brother who was on the people laughing and talking the loudest, know better. I mean he was ready to come home and cuss my aunts and uncles out for how we were treated when we were young and now he is doing the same thing to our baby sister. He should know better!!

Fire Alarm and Bad Dreams

I have been planning my sister's baby shower and it has costed me a lot of money and now over the last few days, a lot of sleep. I don't remember many of my dreams, but when I do I like to document them. I had a dream last night that scared me. Well before the dream, I was sleeping and I heard this alarm go off. I jumped and tried to figure out what the alarm was. It sounded like the fire alarm that only beeped once, but why would that happen? I got scared and got out of bed to check the fire and carbon monoxide alarms. They were working properly so I decided to pray a little and then I went back to sleep. I realized that sometimes God just wants me to talk to Him and He needs to get my attention. So I prayed and I turned on the audio Bible. I fell back to sleep.

I was awakened not long afterwards because I had to most horrible dream. In the dream my sister Tianda was choking with a huge blockage in her throat. It was like she had huge tumors choking her. Then the dream switched to some people who were on the highway and the person who was driving was going fastly around the curve on the bridge and for some reason the person reached down to get something on the floor and took her eyes off the road and lost control of the car and the car hit the side of the bridge and went flying over. I woke up before it hit the ground. I started praying for my family because they were traveling from out of town.

This was the worst dream I've had in a long time. I pray for God's angels to surround my family in Jesus' name. Amen.

Hand Between My Legs, Creole N****ger

I am 40!!!! Yay!!

I wish I can have confetti burst out every time I say that because I am so happy to be 40. This is a great turn of events because for weeks I was anxious, but God turned it around. Won't He do it?!!

Anyway, I celebrated with a last minute trip to to New Orleans. I wanted to go to Puerto Rico, but it was too expensive. I enjoyed myself thoroughly. It doesn't take much to entertain me so just seeing the city was good for me. I mistakenly booked the wrong hotel. I thought I was booking a hotel in New Orleans, but it was 45 minutes away. It was still okay. I also booked an AirBNB for the first time because I needed to fly out of Chicago and I didn't want to have to drive to Chicago so I took the train and that limited me on my travel (the train only ran certain times, my flight was leaving at 8am and I live 3 hours away...) The AirBNB experience was not great.

This was my first experience with AirBnB so I didn't know what to book and what to expect. I booked at $40 room and it was just that....a $40 room. Think crappy Motel 6. So on the way back from Chicago I booked an $80 room and it was less crappy, but still crappy. The good thing is that I only needed a place to sleep and shower. So no biggie.

Anyway....

I was so tired when I got to NOLA, but the first thing I did was go to the French Quarter.

I got beignets and a muffaletta because I was hungry. I saw lots of bands playing on the streets and the art was amazing. I love the look of New Orleans. I met a Mardi Gras Indian Chief. Thta was wild. I saw orange feathers walking down the street. WHAT IN THE WORLD? It was hot too, so why was this orange little bird walking down the street?! He stopped so people could take his picture and I snapped a few shots and asked about his costume. I was immediately corrected. It wasn't a costume, it was a suit. I didn't hear his whole story, so I was thinking that he was an Indian Chief in an orange feather suit. It wasn't until later when learning about Mardi Gras that I realized he wasn't an Indian Chief. LOL.

I walked down to the river and back up. I even took a pic with a black man in a gorilla suit. Too funny. I asked him what his deal was because he was just grabbing people to take pics with. He told me he was a former rapper (he named some groups that I didn't know), but he needed a stchick. So the gorrilla suit was his thing. Then he told me to put some money ins his pocket. LOL. If I was a drinker I would have not been without a place to drink, but the alcohol was flowing.

After walking all around the French Quarter. I headed to the hotel and went to bed.

On Wednesday it rained so I just walked around the mall. It was a small mall, but like I said I am easily amused so it didn't bother me. I was just enjoying myself.

While walking around in the mall a guy comes up to me. He sees my "Happy 40th Birthday" button and he starts talking to me about my birthday and what I was doing there. He was there to promote his business. I asked him what people did down there in the rain and he mentioned if I had a boo, then I would hand out with my boo. I laughed and told him that that is exactly what I would be doing if I had a boo, but since I was single, I needed something to do. He asked me what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to some crawfish. He said he knew a place. I followed through the storm to a crawfish place and we got 3lbs of crawfish, sausage, corn, and potatoes. He came back with me to the hotel lobby and we talked and ate crawfish. I had never had crawfish before. It was okay. It reminded me of a mix between shrimp and lobster. But it was cheap and you eat with your hands. I had a good convo with the guy I met and he was FINE. And we had a LOT in common. But....

He was 28. DANG!!! Anyway, we had a good time talking and by the time we finished the rain had

stopped and I headed to canal street to hang out. The trolley cars on Canal street scared me. As I was driving, I had to stop on the tracks for the light, so I was scared that I would be blocking the trolley, not realizing that the trolley cars had to obey the stop lights too. LOL. Canal Street reminded me of Michigan Ave, but smaller. Another thing that reminded me of Chicago was all the homeless people. Downtown Chicago you see them, but there are way more in NOLA. I mean, I walked down one street in the French Quarter and there was a girl laying in this alcove on a mattress. WOW. You really don't see that in Chicago. Also, there was a tent city underneath the bridge. That amazed me. At the end of the night I got a text from my new friend. He wanted to hang out with me at the hotel. No problem at all. I love company. We chatted and watched TV, then he spend the night....

Now....let me rewind a lil....

When I told my aunt I was going to NOLA, she said to me, "Don't you mess with no Creole N*****gga. I laughed and laughed. She didn't. She was serious. I didn't think much about it when I met Casey. I mean, I was just happy to meet a guy. I haven't been on a date in forever and he was nice and looked good and we had a good time together. I felt like we are two adults and if he wants to stay the night, that's fine. I just told him that he needed to keep his body parts to himself. He was cool with that. He tried to kiss me, but I wasn't feeling it. I mean I did make this vow to myself....

The problem is that I enjoy and nice warm hard body next to me, holding me at night. So, it became a
problem when he put is hand between my legs in the middle of the night. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.....my only saving grace was the fact that Aunt Flo was in town. So, yes we kissed and was all over each other, but no hanky panky. THANK YOU, JESUS! I have no idea how I figured I would be able to control my body. But, THANKS BE TO GOD WHO ALWAYS......

Anyway, we finally went to sleep. The next morning was another round of rolling in the hay, but his stick wasn't taking a dip. LOL. He left, I took a shower (even thought I enjoyed smelling like him). When I got out the shower, I realized that even though we didn't do the doo Aunt Flo had spilled over all in the bed. I'm glad he didn't see that, that would have been embarrassing.

I went to the French Market on Thursday and then went to the Lower Ninth Ward. I don't know what I expected, but it just looked a little like the south side of Chicago, but with a NOLA flair. There was a Lower Ninth Ward museum that I wanted to visit, but it was closed by the time I got there. After that I went to the Jazz in the park event. I saw the Mahalia Jackson Center. Then went to a paint party. This isn't my painting, but mine looks just like this. During the paint party there was a parade. Yep, a parade at 8pm in the dark. Only in NOLA. They told me that it was probably someones wedding. So when I left the paint party I went the Frenchmen street and that's exactly what it was. And it was May 4th, so there was as storm trooper too. They were having a blast. I left there and went back to the hotel. After I got me a Po Boy sandwich, or course. and my friend came to visit again. And yes, as we were sleeping he tried to get me again. It was fun, but again, thanks to Aunt Flo, it was a NO GO. LOL.

The next morning while rolling around with him, I got calls from my friends and family wishing me a happy birthday. THAT TRULY MADE MY DAY. The last call came from my aunt. "You didn't get you no Creole Dick, did you? " I cracked up and laughing and made her say again on speaker phone because right at that moment I was laying on top of him with his Creole Dick pressing up against my hot button.

"You didn't get you know Creole Dick, did you?" She asked while I was laughing.

"I tried to give it to her, she didn't want it!" He laughed and said. And we both were cracking up laughing. My aunt did't hear his reply. I got of the phone with her and Casey and I went to find something to eat, runs some errands and then I was off to the airport.

I got back to Chicago so tired and so late because the flight had to sit on the tarmac because there was no gate to pull into, Then I was so hungry I stayed in line at the only restaurant that was still open after 10pm at the aiport--McDonalds. I got to my less crappy AirBNB at almost midnight and I crashed.

It didn't dawn on my until I got home that my aunt was warning me because she knew that some

people will go on vacation and have sex. My mind was blown. Sex was the last thing on my mind and slowly I started wondering if that was his purpose for hanging out with me. Yes, we friended each other on FB while we were there, but since the trip I have gotten no text, my inbox message, nothing. LOL