But I Want To Talk To Someone

I miss talking to Golf guy. I mean he was my buddy until he told me he wasn't. 

Background....

When Golfer and I first started talking we always had to debate about men and women being friends. He was adamant that it was impossible. His rational was that someone would always want something different from the other. I was always bucking that thinking because men and women have to look past what's between legs. I mean I am more than just my vagina and I have more to offer than just my vagina. I'm a good friend and I can be a good friend to a man. I thought maybe over the past two years we got past that, but the last time I talked to him he reminded me that we are only friends because we don't live in the same city--he lives west of Chicago. So I just began to back away. I already have enough insecurities, I don't need someone who plays into to those insecurities. 

But one thing I loved is that we could talk. Not necessarily talk about everything, but talk. One of the last conversations we were having was him asking me what I thought about him and relationships. I didn't want to offend him by telling him that his insecurities keep him from committing to a relationship so I just told him that he didn't want to commit. Which is true. He has a commitment problem but its caused by his insecurities. So he was defensive about this and he told me that I didn't know him at all. I know him, I just didn't want to offend him and in not wanting to offend him I offended him. WOW!

But I miss the relationship....the relating. And that's what I want. Someone to talk to. But I want to talk to someone who is a believer because there is a comradery an encouragement....If Perry wants to be friends so we could talk, I'd talk to him. I'm in that state where the Golfer is right now. My insecurities are causing me not to want to be in a relationship right now. And I need God to deliver me from these insecurities, in Jesus name!

  

  

How Do You Know?

Last night was a bit rough.....

I've been trying to steer clear of the news....first corona, now racism is blowing up my timeline and it's so disturbing. Not the mention the rash of violence that has been going on in my city. Absolutely heartbreaking and atrocious. I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night asking God to help us. I know He sees and I know He knows, but ......

In the midst of all of this, it's hard to just go about your daily life. I mean, people are hurting. But life still goes on and its like us black people are under a cloud. As a believer I operate under kingdom rule--in the spirit there is neither male nor female, jew nor gentile (Galatians 3:26-28), but the world will still put limitations on me because of my skin color, my gender, etc. And my job is not to fight the world, but fight the good fight of faith. I couldn't help to see all the rioting going on and I know that sometimes believers we will put a scripture to try to justify something, but the only thing I could think of was Jesus overturning the tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). Jesus had a holy anger. I had to try to keep myself (guard my heart) from being angry and looking at the rioting and looting as justifiable. Yes, there are times when we will have a holy anger to deal with something, but we don't want to go to the extreme and not forgive. We also don't want to live in fear of police or those in authority. God help us, please!!

Anyway, in the midst of all this....

I was gonna text a good friend of mine about Perry. Since talking to Dr Banks my interest if peaked, but I'm in a conundrum. I mean, yes, I want to date, I want to get to know someone and get married, but I'm in a funk about it. I don't feel comfortable in me. I've gained 27lbs and it's uncomfortable. I'm dealing with mild health conditions that if they aren't corrected will turn into major health conditions. I'm conscious of my mental health and strongholds in my life. I'm still working on discipline. So is this the time for me to be involved? I'm kind of grateful for the weight gain because it's keeping me away from men, but God, what do you want? I've been dealing with insecurity that's tied to the stronghold of fear in my life. So I dont' want to go to the extreme and allow my pride to rule me.... 

So for the time being I opted not to text her and I went to bed. As I was settling down, my old ways started creeping in. Fantasizing about what could be. I mean the fantasies started aggressively. I kept casting down those imaginations and then it hit me. This is the enemies way of trying to lure me back. I've been walking out of the spirit of perversity and God has been delivering me, but now a man is interested in me and my mind is trying to take me back there. The Bible tells us that we aren't igonorant of Satan's devices and this is a tactic that he is using to try to get me back entangled and I REFUSE. I mean I fought and fought and fought so hard to be free in my mind. I REFUSE to go back. So I'm gonna just leave the Perry Hill situation alone!! 

As I was going to sleep I was awakened by a little noise. I thought maybe there was a mouse so I started to fear. I began to pray and I went back to sleep, Then another noise. Dangit...please don't let there be a mouse. Then more noise, prayer, falling asleep. Then my body shook really hard. I don't know why. More prayer. Then the printer came on shining a bright light. WHY? Ok, Holy Spirit....the Blood of Jesus. I need to pray for someone. So I began to pray as I was falling back to sleep because something was going on. I don't know if this was the enemy tormenting me with the spirit of fear of if I really needed to pray for someone. I finally went to sleep and dreamed about something weird.

I really want to go visit Dr Banks on Wednesday when I go home, but my insecurity is getting the best of me. I'm going to start working on a diet plan to lose this weight.....

Thank God for Angels

God is So GOOD! I'm amazed at His love and His grace. I'm sitting here almost in tears because I just got off the phone with one of my mentors, Dr Freddie A Banks. I haven't seen him in a couple of years--since maybe 2012 when he was being honored by his city. 

Dr Banks was one of my advisors in college. He was passionate about helping minority students to become teachers. And in doing so he inspired so many of us. 

I'm not much of a social media person so every once in a while I will delete every thing and when I get back on I have to refriend people. I got a friend request about a week ago from a fellow college mate, Perry Hill IV. Of course when you accept you have to scroll through the timeline to catch up on a person's life. Not sure if he did that of me, but I looked at his timeline life. He reached out to me on last night to tell me that Dr Banks would love to hear from me. But his message wasn't just that. There was "something" there. I wasn't sure what and it was almost 10pm and I was in bed, and I didn't want to read into anything so I responded that I'd love to talk to Dr Banks....

THU 10:21 PM

Hello How are you? I spoke to Dr. Banks today and he mentioned you. He wondered how you were and reminisced about your surprise presence at an appreciation event months ago. Would you be willing to call him if I relay you his phone number? On another note, we will have chat soon.

Hey Perry. Yes I would love to talk to him. I miss you all.

The part at the end is what I didn't want to read into. So I just left it at that. I  called him a little while ago and while talking he told me that he mentioned to Perry that I was a fine young woman and that Perry should get to know me better. 

Whew....I don't even know why I'm getting emotional. I think it's because Perry and I were raised on two different sides of the track and my insecurity tells me that I'm not good enough for that caliber of man--the prim and proper man who has every I dotted and every T crossed. Perry reminds me a Mr Ohio, but only more Christian. Mr Ohio didn't go to church--he was a believer, but not a participator in the every day christian lifestyle. Perry is more of a kingdom minded participant. Dr. Banks let me know that he and Perry are members of the same church--Friendship Baptist Church in E St Louis. He also let me know that Perry is back at home in E St Louis. I mentioned that I visit home to take care of my uncle and he invited me to come visit. Now I'm really self conscious. I've gained weight-almost 30lbs and I'm not very confident in myself--well God is working on my insecurities so going to visit him is not something that I really want to do even though I really want to visit.  

I want to visit and I want to talk to Perry, but timing is everything and I'm so......right now. I mean, I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life, but AM I? I don't want to hang on to the past, but it seems like it's still hanging around and I'm still running away from it. 

As I was thinking of a maybe prospect I remembered Dr Banks and his marriage. I'm not sure when he got married, but it was later in life to a woman who had already had children-7 children I think. And Dr Banks is a prim and proper dude. Oh the possibilities.....  

I'm Not Guilty....

...the personality issues and relationship problems—were rooted in the fact that I didn’t like myself. And when you don’t like yourself, it’s very difficult to get along with anyone else...-Joyce Meyer

I've been on a journey during this time of staying at home and I thank God for this journey. It's been a journey of freedom. Freedom from fear, insecurity, self-pity, guilt and shame. The mind is a powerhouse and it controls everything. So renewing the mind is paramount to walking in the freedom that God has for me. Joyce Meyer has a 25-day study on the Battlefield of the Mind, so everyday I've been reading (and trying to meditate) on what I've been learning. One thing that resonated with me a while ago and she reminded me of today is, I'm Not Guilty! 

When Jesus died on the cross, He died to forgive me of my sins. So when I accept Christ I accept his sacrifice and I accept his forgiveness. Which means there is no more sin that I have to be convicted of. When a person robs a bank, they can be arrested and convicted of that crime. Then, that conviction has a sentence assigned to it. However, when Jesus forgives us, there is no conviction. There is no jury declaring me guilty. So I don't have to be ashamed of what I've done. The Bible teaches that when we are forgiven God removes our sin and doesn't remember it...as far as the east is from the west-Psalms 103:12. Since the sin is removed there is no crime. There is nothing that someone can say I'm guilty of. That was so hard for me to understand and I'm still "walking it out" in my everyday life because there is always something that the devil tries to bring to my memory that I should be ashamed of. But I thank God for his word and for His freedom!!

Because of this I'm learning to like and love myself!!