The Golfer and I have been talking and he asked me about my insecurities and weaknesses. I began to tell him about how I've failed at numerous projects and situations in my life and how this has taken a toll on my confidence.
He shared with me his weakness being procrastination and how for 17 years he's been where he is and he hasn't moved up in his job or his life. He then asked me about my regrets and my mind went back to 2001 and 2002. This was right before and when I met Mister. Mister was a good guy, but we never were meant to be together. As a matter of fact the Golfer reminds me of Mister so I feel like God is giving me another change to make a better decision.
After our conversation I began to think about it....I've been stuck for 16 years.
WOW!!
I have not grown spiritually in 16 years. Yes, I've made some "money move" and I've gone back to school, but spiritually I'm no further. I have knowledge about some things, but no really movement. No I am NOT the same person but I've been stagnant.
And that got me to wondering why? What has been going on in my life for the past 16 years that have stopped me from progressing?
MEN....
Not any men, but me wanting to be in a relationship, me hooking up with the wrong men, me attaching myself and having the wrong me attach themselves to me.
Yep, the once constant in my failures have been the wrong relationships.
Which goes in line with the revelation I had when Mr Ohio broke my heart.
After Mr. Ohio broke my heart, I made it up in my mind and heart that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I allowed it to distract me from my goals and when it goes south I sulk which causes me to be stagnant. So the full revelation came from my conversations with the Golfer.
And I THANK GOD for that revelation and I feel like now I can move and LIVE AGAIN. I know what the problem was, so I can root that problem out and get to moving which is what I"m doing now.
Now, I just need to know what I need to do with The Golfer?? I like him, he's not the one for me (as least in his present state) and his friendship has served his purpose, but I don't know how to transition it.
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Dreams Restored
I have been substitute ongoing since late October. I wasn't going to do a long term position this spring, but I was asked if I could Do a week in 3rd grade until the new teacher was hired. I agreed. I'm glad I did. At first I was nervous because the 3rd graders at the other school were difficult. But, these 3rd graders are manageable. Anyway, while teaching at the other school I realized that one of the students who was misbehaving could not read. I had Netflix opened and the movie, Meet the Robinsons was on the screen. The boy was trying to read the title to the movie and he said "Met the..." and he couldn't read the word "Robinsons." Met, not Meet. How are you in the third grade and you don't know the word "meet?"
This bothered me, but at that moment I understood his behavior.
So, fast forward to now and I was teaching a reading lesson and I asked one student to read. He could not read the words. He was also a student who had behavior problems and he would throw a tantrum when he was disciplined. Again, on today I asked another student to read and he had a difficult time reading the word, "The." How does that happen? There are about 5 boys in the class who have difficulty reading.
All of this made me remember Kasey (not his real name) who was a senior in my class when I taught at the high school. I took him along with his classmates to read to students in the 5th grade. He was reading an 8th grade level book and I was so embarrassed for him when he was at the front of the classroom stumbling over the words. He could barely read the book. I had to take over.
How does this happen?
I googled, "third grader can't...." and immediately it autofilled, "read." This is a big issue. I mean as a former teacher I knew it and I've always heard the statistic about prisons being built because of third grade reading scores, but to see this in real life is overwhelming.
As I sat and worked with the student I just prayed for him. How was he going to succeed? What was his life going to be like in 10 years?
My heart ached and I began to think about what it was I could do? I mean teachers have 20+ students to stop and teach one kid how to read, let alone 5.
I thought about all of the grants I've written for after school programs and how I tried and tried and failed at them. Then God began to remind me how I've always wanted to be apart of some type of supplemental education program to help students. After all, it was because of these programs that I was able to attend college. I began to remember the Illinois College Tour that I planned, but never made happen.
My heart ached more because these are things that I failed at and I know that failures are just lessons learned, but what do I do with all of these memories? Do I try again?
I mean I was able to redeem myself by being the music teacher and running the Christmas program.
God, what are you saying to me?
What do I do?
I don't want this to frustrate me....
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/my-third-grader-still-cant-read-what-do-i-do/article1345417/https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/my-third-grader-still-cant-read-what-do-i-do/article1345417/
This bothered me, but at that moment I understood his behavior.
So, fast forward to now and I was teaching a reading lesson and I asked one student to read. He could not read the words. He was also a student who had behavior problems and he would throw a tantrum when he was disciplined. Again, on today I asked another student to read and he had a difficult time reading the word, "The." How does that happen? There are about 5 boys in the class who have difficulty reading.
All of this made me remember Kasey (not his real name) who was a senior in my class when I taught at the high school. I took him along with his classmates to read to students in the 5th grade. He was reading an 8th grade level book and I was so embarrassed for him when he was at the front of the classroom stumbling over the words. He could barely read the book. I had to take over.
How does this happen?
I googled, "third grader can't...." and immediately it autofilled, "read." This is a big issue. I mean as a former teacher I knew it and I've always heard the statistic about prisons being built because of third grade reading scores, but to see this in real life is overwhelming.
As I sat and worked with the student I just prayed for him. How was he going to succeed? What was his life going to be like in 10 years?
My heart ached and I began to think about what it was I could do? I mean teachers have 20+ students to stop and teach one kid how to read, let alone 5.
I thought about all of the grants I've written for after school programs and how I tried and tried and failed at them. Then God began to remind me how I've always wanted to be apart of some type of supplemental education program to help students. After all, it was because of these programs that I was able to attend college. I began to remember the Illinois College Tour that I planned, but never made happen.
My heart ached more because these are things that I failed at and I know that failures are just lessons learned, but what do I do with all of these memories? Do I try again?
I mean I was able to redeem myself by being the music teacher and running the Christmas program.
God, what are you saying to me?
What do I do?
I don't want this to frustrate me....
https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/my-third-grader-still-cant-read-what-do-i-do/article1345417/https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/my-third-grader-still-cant-read-what-do-i-do/article1345417/
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Things I Want God To Restore
1. My heart for God and His kingdom
2. My desire to do the will of God every day
3. My desire for prayer
4. My desire to read and study His word
5. Restore you spirit within me
6. A clean heart
7. A renewed mind
8. Innocence
9. Purity
10. Motivation
Psalms 143:1--Here my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!
2. My desire to do the will of God every day
3. My desire for prayer
4. My desire to read and study His word
5. Restore you spirit within me
6. A clean heart
7. A renewed mind
8. Innocence
9. Purity
10. Motivation
Psalms 143:1--Here my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!
Monday, January 8, 2018
Your Time Is Up
I don't watch award shows, but I did catch the highlights of Oprah in her speech and she said, "Your Time Is Up."
That's all I needed to hear. God has been saying this to me.....For some reason I have not been able to bring myself to type #MeToo and post it online. My case is a little different from the sexual harassment or sexual assault that many women have endured for years.
I was molested....by a cousin....and it led to incest with my sister until I was in the fourth grade.
I understand that #MeToo has been used to encompass all sexual abuse, but for me I didn't classify it or I didn't put in the same category. Yea, yea, I went to my situation with Price and Musicbox, and those are classified in that category, but the molestation and incest that I endured wasn't forced. It was kids who didn't know what they were doing, having sex with each other.
I was talking to the Golfer and he told me about a girl who was having sex at 12. I asked him how did that girl know what she was doing at 12? Who told her what sex was? Who showed her that? He even told me about him having sex and being sexualized as early as age 10. That boggles my mind because I had no clue what "sex" was even though I was doing it. I just knew that at night we would do this thing that felt good. I don't recall an orgasm or penetration, just oral sex that felt good. As a matter of fact I told the Golfer that I didn't have an orgasm from sex until I was 19 and he was shocked. And that is true. Yes, I masturbated for years and had orgasms, but having normal sex with a guy never produced an orgasm until I was 19.
Anyway, I say all this to say that #MeToo fit but it didn't. And I was frustrated with all the women and the boldness that was happening because I was shamed for standing bold and telling. And I carried that shame for many years. I still feel shame because when the Golfer and I was talking, I was able to tell him about Price and Musicbox, but not about the molestation. This is a guy that talks to a lot of women and they tell him so much and when he asks me questions I answer, but I don't usually offer my stories. But he makes me comfortable which reminds me of Mister. Mister is the ONLY man that I've told my secret to.
So I've lived with this for years and I've allowed it to burden me for years and I've accepted it as my cross to bear. I mean if I have to suffer anything I guess I want it to be this (not that I would chose, but that I know the ramifications of this and any new burden will be even more of a burden).
But, I do want to LIVE AGAIN and I DO WANT TO HOPE AGAIN. And I DO WANT TO FIGHT for my faith to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.
At the same time.....
That's all I needed to hear. God has been saying this to me.....For some reason I have not been able to bring myself to type #MeToo and post it online. My case is a little different from the sexual harassment or sexual assault that many women have endured for years.
I was molested....by a cousin....and it led to incest with my sister until I was in the fourth grade.
I understand that #MeToo has been used to encompass all sexual abuse, but for me I didn't classify it or I didn't put in the same category. Yea, yea, I went to my situation with Price and Musicbox, and those are classified in that category, but the molestation and incest that I endured wasn't forced. It was kids who didn't know what they were doing, having sex with each other.
I was talking to the Golfer and he told me about a girl who was having sex at 12. I asked him how did that girl know what she was doing at 12? Who told her what sex was? Who showed her that? He even told me about him having sex and being sexualized as early as age 10. That boggles my mind because I had no clue what "sex" was even though I was doing it. I just knew that at night we would do this thing that felt good. I don't recall an orgasm or penetration, just oral sex that felt good. As a matter of fact I told the Golfer that I didn't have an orgasm from sex until I was 19 and he was shocked. And that is true. Yes, I masturbated for years and had orgasms, but having normal sex with a guy never produced an orgasm until I was 19.
Anyway, I say all this to say that #MeToo fit but it didn't. And I was frustrated with all the women and the boldness that was happening because I was shamed for standing bold and telling. And I carried that shame for many years. I still feel shame because when the Golfer and I was talking, I was able to tell him about Price and Musicbox, but not about the molestation. This is a guy that talks to a lot of women and they tell him so much and when he asks me questions I answer, but I don't usually offer my stories. But he makes me comfortable which reminds me of Mister. Mister is the ONLY man that I've told my secret to.
So I've lived with this for years and I've allowed it to burden me for years and I've accepted it as my cross to bear. I mean if I have to suffer anything I guess I want it to be this (not that I would chose, but that I know the ramifications of this and any new burden will be even more of a burden).
But, I do want to LIVE AGAIN and I DO WANT TO HOPE AGAIN. And I DO WANT TO FIGHT for my faith to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.
At the same time.....
5778=2018
According to Apostle Rogers, 5778 is the Hebrew year for 2018. The number 5 means grace, the number 7 means completion and the number 8 is a new beginning. In the Hebrew culture the number 18 means Chai or Life. So altogether the numbers mean LIFE.
2017 was a year of reformation and in 2018 God wants to transform what was into what will be and I have received the word that it is time to LIVE AGAIN!!
Isaiah 43:18-19.
Everything God promises to us, we must engage. I must embrace the new horizon.
1. Take the time to hide away with God. Give God priority in the business of my life. He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him. James 4:8
2. Establish a bold prayer life. Seek wisdom from God. Proverbs 19:18.
3. Start over. Ask God to restore lost promises in my life. Old things have passed away and all things have become new. Proverbs 21:21.
4. Let it go. Clean out all of yesterdays hurs and disappointments, and pains. Proverbs 27:19
5. Change my language. Declare in my life that the old is gone and God is doing a new thing. Proverbs 18:21
6. Make the Lord's words, my words. Ezekiel 3:1-3, 10. Jeremiah 15:16
7. Write down areas I am believing God to restore. Habakkuk 2:2-3
8. Be a giver. It rebukes the devourer. When I sow seeds it produces a harvest. 2 Corinthians 9:6
These are the beginnings of the days of acceleration--gaining speed in a short period of time. Deuteronomy 28:1-14.
2017 was a year of reformation and in 2018 God wants to transform what was into what will be and I have received the word that it is time to LIVE AGAIN!!
Isaiah 43:18-19.
Everything God promises to us, we must engage. I must embrace the new horizon.
1. Take the time to hide away with God. Give God priority in the business of my life. He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him. James 4:8
2. Establish a bold prayer life. Seek wisdom from God. Proverbs 19:18.
3. Start over. Ask God to restore lost promises in my life. Old things have passed away and all things have become new. Proverbs 21:21.
4. Let it go. Clean out all of yesterdays hurs and disappointments, and pains. Proverbs 27:19
5. Change my language. Declare in my life that the old is gone and God is doing a new thing. Proverbs 18:21
6. Make the Lord's words, my words. Ezekiel 3:1-3, 10. Jeremiah 15:16
7. Write down areas I am believing God to restore. Habakkuk 2:2-3
8. Be a giver. It rebukes the devourer. When I sow seeds it produces a harvest. 2 Corinthians 9:6
These are the beginnings of the days of acceleration--gaining speed in a short period of time. Deuteronomy 28:1-14.
Show Me Your Mind And I'll Show You Your Future
It is so true....
As a man thinkers in his heart, so is he.....
That's what the scripture says and God has said that for over 2000 years. Now we have The Secret that basically says the same thing. Also, Earl Nightingale was famous for his positive thinking theory. I've been working on my thinking and my mental health. The devil has always bombarded my mind with negativity about myself and others, however, I thank God for His word that is able to combat all of the lies.
So as the year closes I want to get my mind focused on what is to come in 2018!
As a man thinkers in his heart, so is he.....
That's what the scripture says and God has said that for over 2000 years. Now we have The Secret that basically says the same thing. Also, Earl Nightingale was famous for his positive thinking theory. I've been working on my thinking and my mental health. The devil has always bombarded my mind with negativity about myself and others, however, I thank God for His word that is able to combat all of the lies.
So as the year closes I want to get my mind focused on what is to come in 2018!
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