It Gets Hard Sometimes Pt2

In 2010 I got a call from my brother. There was a settlement from my grandmother's will and the lawyers needed all of our addresses. From there, we kept getting notifications in the mail from the lawyers. Every month for about 6 or 7 months we were getting notices. It listed all of the beneficiaries. So I decided to contact one and it turned out to be my cousin who was fighting for us. We developed a relationship and kept in touch.

So that leads to now.....

When I walked into the hospital room. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure my dad didn't recognize me, but he was opening his eyes and moving. I was glad for this because I thought he was a vegetable or something. I asked him if he could squeeze my hand. He shook his head, "yes," but he didn't squeeze. I just sat with him. There was so much to say, but it didn't feel right to say it and WHAT exactly do I want to say?

I needed you, where were you? Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you fight for me? Why didn't you be a man and take care of me?

I am a 40 year old woman and I STILL WANT MY DAD!!

I STILL WANT HIM!!!

I don't know what the love of a father is.....

God, help!! I know the Bible says, "He will be a father to the fatherless....." and that SHOULD be enough, but why can't I be okay with just that?

God help!!!

It Gets Hard Sometimes

I have been searching for my dad for a LOOOONNNGGG time. Two years ago I was at a pseudo family reunion and I asked my great aunt where he was. She hemmed and hawed and then said she wasn't sure where he was. Then she asked another aunt and then someone else. My cousin then told me that she would call me.

She never did.

Also, at that time I didn't have my brother's number (he had changed phones and didn't update me) and I wasn't that comfortable even asking him. So I was left in the cold as it relates to my dad.

I got a text from my brother on yesterday telling us that dad was in the hospital and it wasn't looking good. He was found on the floor unresponsive. They don't know how long he was on the floor. His breathing was shallow. They got him to the ER quickly. He was intubated and admitted to the ICU. My brother headed to Rockford and three hours later I was on the highway headed that way too.

I was a little nervous because I hadn't seen my dad in almost 20 years. Yep, as soon as I found him, I lost him.

Back story....


I prayed and prayed to meet my dad when I was 18 years old. God answered those prayers a year later. I was helping to chaperone my cousins at a carnival in Jefferson Barracks. A man walks up to me, "Do you know who I am?" I had no clue.

"I'm your dad."

WOW, I was stunned. This is what I prayed for. Now that I have it, what?

We talked and he introduced me to his children, Trenika, and Munshy (Tim, Jr.).  I told him about me and he gave me his address and phone number.

When I got home I picked up my sister and we rode to his house. He called his mom and I was introduced to this whole new world. A few weeks later I met my grandmother (or was reintroduced to my grandmother). I was happy. I had wanted a daddy.

I had a daddy, but not a good one and I NEEDED a father to help me navigate this world.

But, what I found was that my dad...my new dad wasn't any different than my old dad (my stepdad). My stepdad was an alcoholic and so was my new dad.

DANG!!!

But, I still wanted the relationship. So I tried to keep in touch.

He moved, I moved....I still had my grandmother's number but because of caller ID, she wouldn't answer the phone when I called because my number had changed.

I tried and tried to reach out over the years. Finally, the internet was my new tool. I kept googling my dad's name. In 2008-09 a name finally came up on FB.  It was my brother. I reached out to him and we reconnected. He gave me the tea on the last 10 years in our family. Basically, our grandmother had died and his mom had died and dad has lost his mind and no one knew where he was.

Dang.....This was exhausting news, but I tried to stay in touch.

To Be Continued....

Standing My Ground

We went to see, The Quiet Place. It was a good movie...my eyes were closed for half the movie, but I enjoyed my time. He doesn't understand that I'm not looking for a casual relationship, so this prohibits me from being open with him...open physically and emotionally. My brain won't allow me to do it. So after the movie there was this awkward time when we were hanging out at his house on the couch...barely touching. I was exhausted and I wanted to be close to him, but I was praying for the strength to leave.

"You not gonna stay are you," he asked?

I was quietly watching TV. We cuddled. I missed the cuddled.

"Dang, I'm gonna have to leave him," was my thought. This felt good, but I knew it HAD to end.

Why is this so hard?

I sat on the sofa and the strength came from my stomach. LOL.

Yep, my stomach was bubbling. It was the taco bell I ate earlier. There is no way that I was gonna stay the night at his house with the bubble guts. I told him I needed to leave and he was so pissed, whiny even.

As we walked to the door we were touchy feely and all over each other. He tried to coax me up the stairs....

"If my back wasn't hurting, I'd carry you," he said as he was unbuckling my bra.

DANG IT!!

I was struggling to maintain my stance. I liked the way he kissed me and touched me and put my hand in his pants to touch him. But maintain I did and I left him sitting on the stairs looking solemn.

I'm Not Playing Dumb No More: God, Help My Flesh

So Ohio caved and sent me a text and I've been corresponding with him. I even sent him a selfie today. But, I need to pause and breathe. As much as I like being in a relationship and I enjoy his company, I CAN NOT get sucked back in.

Dang,

I don't miss him, I miss the intimacy (not the sex, but the closeness) that we shared. I missed being wanted and desired.

Dang.

But, I can't move forward. I feel like it's a trick disguised in a nice package. I mean....I had a moment yesterday where I remembered a dream I had a long time ago and he was in my dream. No, I didn't know his name back then, and I don't think he was significant in the dream, I just remembered him.

That means something, right? RIGHT?

But, that's just another smoke screen.

As much as I want to hang with him and get back involved, I CAN'T. My life depends on it, my sanity, my spirit, my destiny depends on it. So I thank God for the strength and I thank God that I'm killing this part of my flesh...the part that will ignore the fact that he's the wrong person just because I want and desire closeness and intimacy.

God, helps us (my spirit, soul, and body.)

Yep, He Caved

I was determined not to communicate with him. I mean, it's OVER and there is no good reason to go backwards. So I deleted his number, deleted his text and God gave me the strength to put him out of my mind....kind of.

So, I get a text today..., "I miss you," and really I'm not surprised. As a matter of fact I was expecting it.

I told him I missed him and he said he was sorry for whatever it was he did. LOL. He's funny. He didn't do anything. We just aren't made for each other. I mean, what is the purpose of the relationship?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

The only benefit I get from the relationship is having someone around when I'm feeling lonely. So he's a place filler. That's it. I mean I wish it was more, but it's not and I have come to terms with that and I'm not hoping for anything else.

As a matter of fact I'm not even wanting a relationship right now. I mean if I meet someone and we click, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but I'm not seeking and I'm not wishing and hoping like I used to. I'm done being crazy.

I'm done!!