Most people have brown eyes and when we see someone who has blue eyes, hazel eyes, green eyes, we are often mystified. It is easy to stare at someone with eyes that aren't brown. As a matter of fact it seems that a person with those eyes are always pretty. The felon model got his job not just because of his beautiful face, but his eyes were the cherry on top. I'm wondering if his eyes weren't that color, would he have gotten as much attention? Can you think of an ugly person with blue eyes? Is the green eyed monster beautiful?
I DON'T THINK SO....a monster is a monster and jealous people are dangerous, no matter how beautiful.
The spirit of jealousy came to me last night and I HATE IT!! And the only thing I know to do is to pray to God. It's a spirit. I can't wish it away. Yes, I can change my mind and I can do what I can to make sure that it doesn't get into my heart, but when it comes it comes and I have to deal with it.
The think about this is that I have absolutely no reason to be jealous. I haven't been doing a good job and because of this, someone else is promoted above me. Point Blank.
This was the problem with Cain. Abel did a good job and had his heart in the right place, Cain didn't do a good job, he didn't work as hard. He just skimmed the surface. God praised Abel and Cain got jealous. God told him, if you do a good job, you don't have to be jealous. And that is the truth. But, Cain couldn't handle it. He couldn't cope. He aloud that monster to get into his heart and he killed his brother.
Dang....that's cold!!!
Jealous people are dangerous and I don't wanna be jealous. I want God to deal with me so that I can live and do a good job!!
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
You Are Killing Yourself
I started this recovery journey in January. In March I found out that I'm suffering from Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder. As I been studying this I found out that autoimmune is when the immune system not only goes after foreign invaders--bacteria, viruses, etc.), but it starts to turn on it's own team--friendly fire or maybe going rogue is a better example. It starts to attack the bodies organs in different ways. So my immune system is attacking my thyroid. My T4 and T3 were okay--on the border, but okay. But, I had antibodies when my blood was tested.
Why does the body attack itself?
I've been thinking and thinking about this and my doctor is trying to find the origin. Some of my other hormones that have been affect is progesterone and cortisol. They are really low so we have being doing things to remedy these--taking progesterone cream at night and herbs to improve my cortisol during the day. But despite all of that, we needed to get to the bottom of this thyroid issue. If we can find the root and address that, we can pull it up from the root. So my doctor wants me to do a test for heavy metals. I haven't done the test yet because I've spent about $1000 so far and I still wanna buy a home so I need to slow down a bit. But, I'm gonna do it.
After thinking about all of this, I know that everything we go through is spiritual, I began thinking about how I've treated my body over the years. I haven't been so good to me. Is this the reason for my physical malady: me attacking my own body?
I've eaten badly for a few years and I've had numerous sexual partners (I think about 25-30) throughout my lifetime and this is not good. There are some people who have slept with one person their entire life. I've been around the block more than once or twice. I'm not proud of that, but it is possible that because of the abuse I've done to my own self, physically, I am experiencing the ramifications.
So how to we repair all of this?
I've been eating better, I've been working out and I've only slept with one man since 2012. I've only slept with 2 men since 2010 and right now I'm getting the last of toxic relationships our of my life.
I know it's gonna take time for my body to repair and recovery, but I have to do my part and that's what I'm doing!!
Why does the body attack itself?
I've been thinking and thinking about this and my doctor is trying to find the origin. Some of my other hormones that have been affect is progesterone and cortisol. They are really low so we have being doing things to remedy these--taking progesterone cream at night and herbs to improve my cortisol during the day. But despite all of that, we needed to get to the bottom of this thyroid issue. If we can find the root and address that, we can pull it up from the root. So my doctor wants me to do a test for heavy metals. I haven't done the test yet because I've spent about $1000 so far and I still wanna buy a home so I need to slow down a bit. But, I'm gonna do it.
After thinking about all of this, I know that everything we go through is spiritual, I began thinking about how I've treated my body over the years. I haven't been so good to me. Is this the reason for my physical malady: me attacking my own body?
I've eaten badly for a few years and I've had numerous sexual partners (I think about 25-30) throughout my lifetime and this is not good. There are some people who have slept with one person their entire life. I've been around the block more than once or twice. I'm not proud of that, but it is possible that because of the abuse I've done to my own self, physically, I am experiencing the ramifications.
So how to we repair all of this?
I've been eating better, I've been working out and I've only slept with one man since 2012. I've only slept with 2 men since 2010 and right now I'm getting the last of toxic relationships our of my life.
I know it's gonna take time for my body to repair and recovery, but I have to do my part and that's what I'm doing!!
That's Why Abraham Did That
Over Memorial Day weekend I attended a semi-family reunion on Freeport, IL. I was excited and nervous at the same time. This was my first time (not really) meeting my dad's side of the family. During our time together, I began putting together a family tree. As we were trying to remember who was who and how old people were, it was time for me to go.
On the way home I was a little emotional and I got to thinking about family and our heritage. It reminded me of Abraham.
When Abraham was dying he told his servant to get a wife for his son, but he didn't want his son to marry just anybody. He specifically told his servant not to let his son marry any of the foreign women. He was given instructions to go back to his hometown to find him a wife. It was so important that his son marry the right woman. His son would carry on the legacy to be the heir of Jesus. Not anyone could have done that. It had to be a certain bloodline.
In thinking about all of that I was thinking about family. I want to be able to teach my children standards because the bloodline matters.
My mom met my dad in high school and they became teen parents. It affected us--how we lived and I am dealing with repercussions now of my childhood. So I want to be able to teach those standards and lift up the name of Christ in my home.
The Bible says that God knew that Abraham would command his household to serve the Lord.
I will command my household to serve the Lord!
On the way home I was a little emotional and I got to thinking about family and our heritage. It reminded me of Abraham.
When Abraham was dying he told his servant to get a wife for his son, but he didn't want his son to marry just anybody. He specifically told his servant not to let his son marry any of the foreign women. He was given instructions to go back to his hometown to find him a wife. It was so important that his son marry the right woman. His son would carry on the legacy to be the heir of Jesus. Not anyone could have done that. It had to be a certain bloodline.
In thinking about all of that I was thinking about family. I want to be able to teach my children standards because the bloodline matters.
My mom met my dad in high school and they became teen parents. It affected us--how we lived and I am dealing with repercussions now of my childhood. So I want to be able to teach those standards and lift up the name of Christ in my home.
The Bible says that God knew that Abraham would command his household to serve the Lord.
I will command my household to serve the Lord!
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Do You Even Believe God?
I feel like God is saying, "T, that's enough....."
I've got problems....we all do, but my problems (being sexually abuse at a young age and being a victim of incest), has stifled me so much. I live in fear, but I feel like God is saying to me...."Quit it, I can't deal...."
How many times am I going to allow my body to rule me when God has told me over and over and over again? I've been doing things (going through to motions), but I haven't really just stopped and trusted God. When Jesus says, "Be healed," that's what happens. He told the man that was crippled for 38 long years to just get up and walk. Then he told him not to sin again unless something worse would happen.
He told Moses because of his disbelief (which lead to his disobedience) that he wouldn't see the promised land....the thing that God promised him, he would not get.
There are things that God has promised me and I want to get them, but I have to BELIEVE God. Fear is lack of belief. The only reason a person fears is because they don't BELIEVE God. Think about a child, when you have a child that is standing on the ledge and their daddy or mama says to jump, that child doesn't think anything because they trust their mom or dad. They just jump. But, let somebody else come in and say jump....they don't trust that person. So they won't jump.
I was listening to man who was teaching 2 and 3 year olds how to swim. He dealt with this all the time...the children who are afraid to jump...they have floaties on and he is standing right there, but they fear. Sometimes someone behind them will just push them and as they are screaming and hollering in fear, they are pushed and they find that they land safely in the water. God is just like that....but the problem with me is this....
I know I have no excuses.....
But, I look at my track record, I haven't been so faithful to God so I don't expect Him to be faithful to me, but the thing about obedience is that God doesn't care about the past. He just knows what He said right now...
So, God, please forgive me and I pray for your EVERLASTING MERCY AND GRACE!!
I've got problems....we all do, but my problems (being sexually abuse at a young age and being a victim of incest), has stifled me so much. I live in fear, but I feel like God is saying to me...."Quit it, I can't deal...."
How many times am I going to allow my body to rule me when God has told me over and over and over again? I've been doing things (going through to motions), but I haven't really just stopped and trusted God. When Jesus says, "Be healed," that's what happens. He told the man that was crippled for 38 long years to just get up and walk. Then he told him not to sin again unless something worse would happen.
He told Moses because of his disbelief (which lead to his disobedience) that he wouldn't see the promised land....the thing that God promised him, he would not get.
There are things that God has promised me and I want to get them, but I have to BELIEVE God. Fear is lack of belief. The only reason a person fears is because they don't BELIEVE God. Think about a child, when you have a child that is standing on the ledge and their daddy or mama says to jump, that child doesn't think anything because they trust their mom or dad. They just jump. But, let somebody else come in and say jump....they don't trust that person. So they won't jump.
I was listening to man who was teaching 2 and 3 year olds how to swim. He dealt with this all the time...the children who are afraid to jump...they have floaties on and he is standing right there, but they fear. Sometimes someone behind them will just push them and as they are screaming and hollering in fear, they are pushed and they find that they land safely in the water. God is just like that....but the problem with me is this....
I know I have no excuses.....
But, I look at my track record, I haven't been so faithful to God so I don't expect Him to be faithful to me, but the thing about obedience is that God doesn't care about the past. He just knows what He said right now...
So, God, please forgive me and I pray for your EVERLASTING MERCY AND GRACE!!
Have Mercy on Me, Jesus!
It's 5:09am and I can't sleep. As a matter of fact, I've had a TERRIBLE time sleeping this past week. Actually, I've just been having a TERRIBLE time sleeping (period). Torment...yep, that's the problem. I've been tormented.
On about June 4 I heard God speak to me. He basically told me that if I don't use what He has given he, he would take it away. He gave me the parable of the talents in Luke 19. There was a king who was going away....he gave each of his servants a certain amount of talents and he told them to take care of it and make it increase until he got back. Some of the servants took his talents and make it grow while one of them hid it because he was afraid. He didn't believe in himself--that he could do something with the talent. So the king took the talent away from him and gave it to the ones who did something with it.
When I heard this word from God, it convicted my heart. Then on that Sunday, June 5, the sermon was about this very thing. I knew that this was from God. But I didn't move. I imagined in my head what I would do, but I didn't do anything.
Now, I'm sitting it bed at 5:17am tormented because when we are disobedient to God we bring a curse upon our lives and I don't wanna be cursed, but when I look at what I'm going through, I can only deduce this.
Last weekend I failed at what God was blessing me with concerning my weight loss (I was supposed to be apart of a weight loss program that was going to be paid for, but I couldn't do the MRI and that depressed me. Then they denied me for the other program because of my thyroid.) I got really down in my spirits and I reached out to Mister--whom I absolutely should NOT be communicating with (WHEN GOD FREES YOU, WHY GO BACK TO BONDAGE?) But I needed some comfort and Mister has been that comfort to me. WHY?? when the Holy Spirit says that He would be my comforter?
WRETCHEDNESS.....that's where I'm at right now.
So, I'm up writing because I need to get this out and I need to process and move on.
THIS ISN'T SO HARD, BUT I MAKE IT HARD!!
WHY?
Now I'm tormented because I know God is a forgiving God, but we reap what we sow and disobedience and being cursed is no joke!! But, how do we reverse the curse?
I've been praying to God about my laziness and my fear and both of those are a curse. Fearful people are cursed. The man even told the servant that being fearful is no way to live. He called him wicked and lazy.....
I've been lazy and I've made excuses and I NEED GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE!!
On about June 4 I heard God speak to me. He basically told me that if I don't use what He has given he, he would take it away. He gave me the parable of the talents in Luke 19. There was a king who was going away....he gave each of his servants a certain amount of talents and he told them to take care of it and make it increase until he got back. Some of the servants took his talents and make it grow while one of them hid it because he was afraid. He didn't believe in himself--that he could do something with the talent. So the king took the talent away from him and gave it to the ones who did something with it.
When I heard this word from God, it convicted my heart. Then on that Sunday, June 5, the sermon was about this very thing. I knew that this was from God. But I didn't move. I imagined in my head what I would do, but I didn't do anything.
Now, I'm sitting it bed at 5:17am tormented because when we are disobedient to God we bring a curse upon our lives and I don't wanna be cursed, but when I look at what I'm going through, I can only deduce this.
Last weekend I failed at what God was blessing me with concerning my weight loss (I was supposed to be apart of a weight loss program that was going to be paid for, but I couldn't do the MRI and that depressed me. Then they denied me for the other program because of my thyroid.) I got really down in my spirits and I reached out to Mister--whom I absolutely should NOT be communicating with (WHEN GOD FREES YOU, WHY GO BACK TO BONDAGE?) But I needed some comfort and Mister has been that comfort to me. WHY?? when the Holy Spirit says that He would be my comforter?
WRETCHEDNESS.....that's where I'm at right now.
So, I'm up writing because I need to get this out and I need to process and move on.
THIS ISN'T SO HARD, BUT I MAKE IT HARD!!
WHY?
Now I'm tormented because I know God is a forgiving God, but we reap what we sow and disobedience and being cursed is no joke!! But, how do we reverse the curse?
I've been praying to God about my laziness and my fear and both of those are a curse. Fearful people are cursed. The man even told the servant that being fearful is no way to live. He called him wicked and lazy.....
I've been lazy and I've made excuses and I NEED GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
She Took Me There
I love being an even keeled person. I'm laid back, not easily excitable....I'm chill. BUT, every now and again my emotions get me and I HATE that. I love being poised at all times.
On yesterday I started a week long fast. Mainly because I've drifted. I know that God spoke to me, restoration, this year and I have to be active in that restoration, but because of some different things going on, I've strayed a little.
On Saturday, on my way to Indiana I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she was ministering on the talents in Luke 19. And I got it, I caught was God was saying. Then on Sunday the Elder spoke about the same thing. I hear you God, LOUD AND CLEAR. So that means I need to change, I need to move and get back in line. So I committed to fast and pray this week. It wasn't that difficult, but I got a call from my mom....
Backstory,
My family is planning a big July 4th shindig and I was gonna just give my mom $50 to buy whatever we needed along with what she was going to bring. However, I got a call on yesterday and my uncle asked me to bring chicken legs and 2 cases of soda. I agreed to it and texted my brother (because my uncle said that he and my brother was calling everyone so to tell my brother, if he called, that my uncle already spoke to me about what to bring.) My mom then calls me and tells me that chicken legs are a horrible thing to grill and that since I don't know how to cook, I need to stick with something that is easy to do.
WHAT????
I haven't lived with my mom in over 20 years. How in the world does she know what I can cook?! I cook all the time--not everyday, but weekly. So I was jokingly going off on her. I mean...she forgot that I her oldest child and my job was the cook and keep the house clean and make sure her children took baths. I've had to spend all day in the kitchen with her cooking Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner when I wanted to just be a teenager and be a kid. So I was bothered that she would say something like that. I didn't mean any disrespect, but DANG!! You don't even know me like that and I'M YOUR DAUGHTER!! YOU SHOULD, but you don't. So, it got under my skin.
Then I was bothered because I was trying to tell her why I sent the text to my brother. She was acting like I just sent it out of the blue. No, I was told what to bring and to keep confusion down I wanted to communicate and tell them what I was bringing. But, no I was jumped all over and criticized, so I went there....
Then, I got a text from Mister...when it rains it pours. I had to roll my eyes. At that point, I realized my error. I let the devil bait me. I had a good day of fasting and prayer and it ended with me disrespecting my mom....
Ima do better next time!!
On yesterday I started a week long fast. Mainly because I've drifted. I know that God spoke to me, restoration, this year and I have to be active in that restoration, but because of some different things going on, I've strayed a little.
On Saturday, on my way to Indiana I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she was ministering on the talents in Luke 19. And I got it, I caught was God was saying. Then on Sunday the Elder spoke about the same thing. I hear you God, LOUD AND CLEAR. So that means I need to change, I need to move and get back in line. So I committed to fast and pray this week. It wasn't that difficult, but I got a call from my mom....
Backstory,
My family is planning a big July 4th shindig and I was gonna just give my mom $50 to buy whatever we needed along with what she was going to bring. However, I got a call on yesterday and my uncle asked me to bring chicken legs and 2 cases of soda. I agreed to it and texted my brother (because my uncle said that he and my brother was calling everyone so to tell my brother, if he called, that my uncle already spoke to me about what to bring.) My mom then calls me and tells me that chicken legs are a horrible thing to grill and that since I don't know how to cook, I need to stick with something that is easy to do.
WHAT????
I haven't lived with my mom in over 20 years. How in the world does she know what I can cook?! I cook all the time--not everyday, but weekly. So I was jokingly going off on her. I mean...she forgot that I her oldest child and my job was the cook and keep the house clean and make sure her children took baths. I've had to spend all day in the kitchen with her cooking Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner when I wanted to just be a teenager and be a kid. So I was bothered that she would say something like that. I didn't mean any disrespect, but DANG!! You don't even know me like that and I'M YOUR DAUGHTER!! YOU SHOULD, but you don't. So, it got under my skin.
Then I was bothered because I was trying to tell her why I sent the text to my brother. She was acting like I just sent it out of the blue. No, I was told what to bring and to keep confusion down I wanted to communicate and tell them what I was bringing. But, no I was jumped all over and criticized, so I went there....
Then, I got a text from Mister...when it rains it pours. I had to roll my eyes. At that point, I realized my error. I let the devil bait me. I had a good day of fasting and prayer and it ended with me disrespecting my mom....
Ima do better next time!!
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