Good Bye 2010

We are entering into a new decade, full of potential and possibilities!!!! I'm excited!!!!

I'm too grateful to complain about anything right now, so I just say goodbye to all of the rejection, the hurt, negativity and the craziness of this year!!

I'm waving all my troubles away!!!

Blessings

My dirty clothes have been piling up. Jenny has a washer, but her dryer is not working, so I haven't washed me clothes because I don't have any money to dry them and I didn't want to go hanging my clothes all around the house. So, I was trying to figure out how I was gonna wash my clothes. I have no clean underwear. This morning, I woke up to my cell phone ringing. It was Mel. I google called him back and he said he was coming over because my phone was going in and out, he couldn't hear me. When he got here, he asked me if my money had come in. I told him that it hadn't and he handed me $40. He said that he appreciated me when in 2004 he was not earning any money, I was always there for him when he needed something. He almost made me cry. He said that he told his girlfriend that he wanted to make sure that he could return the favor. WOW!!!! I told him, that's what friends are for--if you need and I have, it's yours. Apparently, he feels that same. I'm sure that won't fly over too much when he and his girl get married, but for now I'm accepting his friendship. So, I have enough money to wash my clothes, get gas, give an offering at church tonight, and order my transcript for the job. Well, that's if they haven't already gotten their candidates. I'll try to call them on Monday. Most educational institutions are open on Monday.

I thank God for my blessing!!!! He keeps proving to me that He hasn't left me!!!!

Happy New Year's Eve!!!

Winter Wear

I just found this jacket. It's supposed to have some type of Omni heat technology that keeps you warm in the coldest winter. The commercials are funny:

This Year is Almost Over

This year has gone by in a flash. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I will be another year older and my goals have always been to get better with age. So, I'm assesses whether I've gotten better. Of course I'm in a crappy situation, but am I better??

To make this summation, I'll look over what i've learned....

1. I've learned to find worth in myself as it relates to relationships.
I've had crazy relationships in the past that have left me wounded and bruised (not physically, but mentally and emotionally). Because of my self-esteem I've allowed myself to connect with men who have not been worth my time. This year, I've finally learned that I'm valuable and I don't have to accept a man just because he's interested in me. I can choose who I involve myself with. I'm not so desperate that I have to lower myself to be involved in foolishness.

2. I'm learning to humble myself.
I've had so much pride that kept me away from good relationships with people who were meant to be my friend. This pride had also isolated me from asking for and getting help. Pride has made me think that I could "help myself" when I clearly couldn't. Imagine a sick person trying to operate on himself--ridiculous!

3. I've learned to survive
I've learned that I can be creative when it comes to life. If I'm in a situation, I can pray and get myself out if it.

4. I've learned that I don't need any more clothes or shoes
My storage unit if filled with clothes and shoes that I don't wear because I couldn't transport them. I've survived wearing 4 pairs of pants, 1 suit, a couple of dresses and skits and a lot of different shirts and blouses. I've only wore a combination of 6 pairs of shoes--2 pairs of sneakers (one white and one black), 2 pairs of regular walking shoes (one black and one brown), 2 pairs of dress shoes (one black pair of heels and one brown pair of heels). My favorite pair of Jessica Simpsons are ruined because I wore them every day. I also have a pair of Kenneth Coles that I wear, but they have a small wedge heal that for some reason creeps (not squeaks) when I walk. They look like the ones in the link. So, I've become a bit of a minimalist. I do still like to look good, but I don't need to buy anything new. I'll just make what I have new again. I can take an example from the people at the Uniform Project and wear the same dress for 30 days and it look different each time.


5. I've learned to trust God more.
It's nothing like being in the fire to really test your faith. One thing that I have to work on is allowing others to sway my faith. I have a $5000 bill because I listened to my mom and not fully trusting God. I'm learning to become more sensitive to Him. My financial trials have helped me with my faith in God more than anything. In April I was really struggling with my relationship with Coach. I was so frustrated and stressed that I almost slipped away mentally. My mind was on mars and I didn't care about anything. But, when I became homeless, I held tight to my faith. I guess this is what it took for me to really keep my eyes on God and not my problem. Thank you, God!!!

6. I've learned that I have true friends.
Friendship has always been hard for me. But this year, I've been in some situations--stranded with no gas, no money to buy gas, dead battery, no place to call home... and there are people who have stepped up to help me without asking for anything in return!!!!! These people are my true friends and there is nothing that I have to give them besides my sincere THANKS and gratitude. I'm gonna send them ecards telling them how much they've helped me this year!!!!

So even though my physical situation is not good, I am a better person. Now, I need to balance this out and get myself together financially!!

I forgot the Soymilk

My SNAP Benefits were loaded today. I headed to Aldi with my shopping list. There was nary a hotdog or ramen noodle on the list. I wanted real food--chicken, corn, green beans, beans, salmon, talapia... When I walked in the store I felt like a child in the candy store. I was so excited, I had to tell myself to calm down. I stuck to my list. I wanted the basics, no extra fluff--potatoe chips, sweets, etc. I also bought some food for Jenny's daycare center, since I've eaten the cheese crackers and pretzels that she gives to the children. I also bought her milk and juice. Of course when I asked her what she needed, she declined my help, but I went ahead and stocked the shelves with foods I know she serves the children. I spend about $10 buying foods for Jenny's children, another $10 buying eggs for the new year's day breakfast at church and $53 for food for the house. I then went to Walmart because I really wanted some Steel Cut Oatmeal and Wild Rice. However, when I got to Walmart, they didn't have it. It must have been Kroger where I usually buy my steel cut oats. I'll check there later. I also wanted to buy some Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce. We've been eating leftover turkey and dressing and it's really good without the cranberry sauce, but I'm sure it's way better with it. I spent $10 at Walmart.

When I got home, I unpacked all the food and sat down to make a meal planner. I want to make sure that I manage my food so that it will last. While, I was planning my meals, I realized that I left the Soymilk. Grrrrr. I haven't drank regular milk in a couple of years (besides cooking with it), and I don't want to use the milk I bought for Jenny's children, so I'm probably gonna go back to Kroger to see if I can buy some Soymilk. I hope it's on sale.

No word on my unemployment.

Confrontational

I've never been confrontational. My motto is "Can we all just get along?!" Why does there have to be friction???

I decided that I needed to go to my former employer to ask why they told Gina I was supposed to be calling them. When I got there, I told V that I was never told to contact them every week. I told her that according to the last email they would contact me. Of course she had a defense--she said that she meant for that week. WHAT??? She then told me that maybe she could send me to the other city to work. I told her just put me on the list. But I'm not going to drive 45 miles for a job that will only be about $10 and hour. Firstly, my car is on a donut and I should not be driving on that anyway. Secondly, gas is $3.17/gallon. I won't be making any money because it would cost me too much to drive. Thirdly, I was never hired to be sent on assignments, so I don't want to go. Maybe if the job was for $15 and hour I'd go. I don't want to for $13 like I was being paid before. So, I finished the conversation and went about my business.

When I got to the church, I locked myself out of the office. I dumbly locked the door with my keys in the office. Grrrrr. The church secretary didn't have a key, only those who worked in that office had a key. So there I was trying to break into the office with a butterknife. Then I realized...I needed to talk to the church secretary about not showing up for the events she signed up for and for sending out emails calling meetings that she don't even show up for. I need to confront that issue. I whispered to God that I'd deal with it, but I needed to get into my office. God is funny sometimes. I took the other keys out of my pocket (we are not allowed to take the keys to the rooms home, they have to stay in the office) and decided to try those keys in the knob. Didn't work. So I went to the back office to try the keys and presto....it opened. I told God that I would deal with the issue with the secretary. However, I got to working on stuff and she normally leaves around 2pm, so when I looked at the clock it was 1:57pm. I went up to her office and she was gone. I was relieved, but also apprehensive, because I still have to confront the issue.

So, I'll go to her office when I get to the church tomorrow to have a talk--a loving talk.

Applying for Jobs

When I talked to Gina on yesterday, she gave me some job prospects to apply for. I'm gonna spend some time today applying for jobs. One job is a project coordinator for a city-wide celebration. That sounds like so much fun!!! It would be great to do that job. The problem is, the job was advertised in early November. I'm not sure if they have it filled yet, but I'm sure they do. I'll check it out. She also gave me information about a front desk person at the ymca, a case manager position for big brother big sisters, and position as a reception in another town. I'll be busy applying for jobs.

Driving on Empty

I thank God that I was able to get back home without running out of gas. I was on pins and needles, but He came through for me. When I made it back home, Mel called me to tell me that he borrowed money from his brother to get me some gas. I told Mel, he didn't have to do that. He said that he get's paid on Friday, so it was no problem. So, I'm waiting on him to get her to take me to the gas station.

Before, I got home, I stopped at my mailbox and there were two bills in the mail. One was my Ameren bill for about $250, the other one was from the hospital. I just threw it in my bag. I have not opened a hospital bill since they started coming in the mail.

I was surpised at the Ameren bill. The last one I had was $400. Somehow it went down. When I started my car at the post office, it wouldn't start, so to pass the time, I went ahead and opened the hospital bill. It was well over $5000. WOW!!!!!! I knew ER visits cost a lot, but I forgot how much!!!!!!! I can only imagine how much the other one is. Man, health care really does cost and arm and a leg.

Thank God

I had and eventful day today.

I got up at 5am to go to morning prayer. After prayer I stayed in the office at church to do a little bit of work before my appointment at 8:15.

After my appointment I hung around the library. I'm not sure what work I got done, but before I knew it, it was 1pm and my friend was calling me to ask me for help with a meeting that she has on Wednesday. I was glad she called me because I had packed a lunch--leftover mac and cheese and stuffed shells. I also grabbed me a piece of leftover banana cake, but it was cold and I didn't have a place to heat up my food. But when she called, I was able to go to her job and use their microwave. Yes, hot pasta and cheese the good.

Before, making it to her office, I called Mel. I was in desperate need of fuel for my vehicle. The needle was below "E". Way below "E". I was praying and praying the entire way. I left Mel a message asking him if he could loan me some money to get some gas. Once I got to my friend's office, I called Mel again. I needed an answer because if he wsn't able to help me, I was gonna try to figure out who else to call. I already owe Tonya $10 for gas and I wasn't too comfortable asking Gwen, my friend who I was going to see. Plus, I asked her before and she didn't have it. I didn't want to ask again and she not be able to help me out.

I finally got ahold of Mel at about 2:15. He said he was way across town and couldn't get leave at that moment. So, at 2:45, I prayed and ventured onto the road to meet with the unemployment people.

I got to my appointment about 5 minutes late. When Gina finally called me back, I was happy to see that she was smiling and had a pleasant personality.

Gina told me that my job was disputing my claim because I had not called them to tell them that I was available for work. WHAT?????? I figured they would pull something like this. Basically, I was hired as a staffing supervisor at a major temporary staffing agency. My job was to hire temporary employees to go out to work. When I was hired, I wasn't told that I was hired temporary, nor was I told that my job would have an ending date. My last day of work was 11/05. My last contact with them was 11/09. It was an email from one of the girls saying that they would call me if they needed me. So, if they said that they would call me, then why would I call them???

Gina called the company and told them what I said and of course she told them that she could not confirm that information. I told Gina that I could because I had the email. She then told me that she would contact her supervisor to see if they can appeal my case so that I can get paid. I also gave Gina all of the information that I had relating to my job searches--interview dates, emails about job prospects, applications that have been sent out, etc. After leaving her office, I went right to the computers to forward Gina the email that was sent to me. I wanted to go the staffing agency to talk to Vern, to tell her that she never told me about contacting them, but I was afraid that I would run out of gas, so I just went home.

Maybe I'll go by their office tomorrow.

SNAP

My appointment at the aide office (that's what they used to call it when I was younger) went well. I prayed and prayed on my way there that my car wouldn't run out of gas. God heard me, I made it there safely at about 7:54. My appointment was at 8:15. The lady told me there would be a line. There was one guy standing at the door and a lot of people waiting in their cars. At one point, one man got out of his car and all of the rest of the people followed suit. I didn't know if it was "first come, first serve" or what, but I made my way to the line and was number 6. It wasn't even 8am yet, but we were all there, standing in the snow and cold, freezing. One man was shivering, his jacket was so thin. I wanted to ask him if he needed a coat. I had an extra wool jacket in my car (the one I used to wrap my feet in to keep my tootsie's warm). I was gonna ask him if he wanted it, but it was kind of awkward. I didn't feel as much shame as I felt when I went to apply for the Homeward Bound program. I'm not sure why--maybe it's because I was past the stage of being ashamed. My situation was what it was and I had been humiliated already, so standing in line for food stamps was no more humiliating than sleeping in my car.

When we got inside, I was kind of expecting the place to be dirty and the people to be rude, but the office was nicely decorated. We formed the line coming in and one girl went straight to the window to tell the receptionist that she had an appointment. The receptionist told her she had to stand in line. The girl loudly complained that she was rude. The receptionist proceeded to call individuals who had appointments. Even though I had an appointment, I wasn't sure if my name would be called--I had just applied last week. Sure enough she called my name. After going to the window to acknowledge that I was present, she told me to have a seat. That's when I saw Skylar.

I was apprehensive about who I might see at the office. I was sure I was gonna see a former student of mine or a parent of a former student of mine and sure enough, the first person in line--he was the first person waiting at the door) was my former student--Skylar. I cant't remember Skylar's real name, but that's what everyone called him. He was a troubled student, had dropped out of school. I saw him this summer. I encouraged him to go back to school. I thought it was ironic that the both of us was standing in line at the aide office, and I wanted to speak to him, but it was a little awkward--me asking him how he was doing and wanting to encourage him to go back to school. I was standing in need myself. How could I encourage someone else??

After sitting down, I decided to pull out some paperwork that I needed for my unemployment claim. I didn't get very far because I was the first name called. That made me happy!!!!

Jenna was the lady that helped me. She was very nice. I didn't have to explain anything. She had my unemployment information there. She simply explained to me that I would be getting the maximum for 6 months and then I'd have to reapply. The maximum was $200. However, my first month I would get $153 because I did get one unemployment payment. I wanted to tell her my whole situation, but I decided that the pity party was over, so there was no need. I qualified and she was gonna help me with the information that she had. I was in and out of her office in not time. She explained to me that if my income changed I would need to report it ASAP. I noticed she had an article posted on her wall "13 Women Charged in Welfare Fraud". She gave me the printout that said I was eligible for immediate benefits and told me to turn the paper in to the window out front when they called my name. She walked me to the door and I sat again waiting for my name to be called.

I had never applied for food stamps myself, but I have had a medical card. So all of this was kind of new to me, but not totally. When we were little, my mom received food stamps. This was when the food stamps were actual paper money--the colored paper money. I remember there was a comedian who made a joke that when he was little his family got food stamps and when he got to be 13, he got a job and they paid him in cash. He said he thought he had been cheated out of his money because the only money he had every had was the colored food stamps, not green money, so he gave it back to his employer and told him to give him his "real money." Of course he said it with comedic flair, and it was funny. Now, we have the LINK card. It's like a debit card. I gave the lady the papers when she called my name (again I was first in line) and she entered some information into the computer, verified that I was who I was and handed me a LINK card with instructions how to activate it with a pin number. She told me I could call the number to activate it myself or I could use the phone on the wall. I chose the phone on the wall.

Of course I can't buy food today, it takes 2 days for them to load my card. So I will have $153 to use to buy food on Wednesday. I'm happy.

Hot dogs and vienna sausages are making me sick. I don't want to eat another hot dog!!!!!!

My case worker, Jenny also told me that it's no longer called "food stamps" It's called SNAP--Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.

Thanks, federal government for the supplement!!!!

Worst Part is Over

Pity Partying

I made it to church with a minute to spare. Thank God!!

My pastor called everyone to the altar for prayer. After he prayed, his wife prayed and she told us that for 2011 we have to repent and walk in integrity and forgiveness just like Joseph did.

Joseph was kidnapped, sold into slavery, put in jail because he wouldn't sleep with another man's wife, forgotten about and after all that, when he got out, he forgave his brothers enough be able to help them when they were in need.

After, I repented for being disobedient to God, I recommited my life and told God that I want to live a life that is sacrificed. I don't want to be controlled by my carnal thinking anymore. I want to be spiritual. It will take discipline on my part, but I'm willing.

During the prayer, she told everyone to get with their family. She told the single people to get with an Elder and pray. I got with Elder Pat. She's prayed for me before. I cried while she prayed for me. Every time she prays for me, she hugs me and I never want to let go. It's like she's the mother that I've wanted all my life.

So, after church I went to talk to her and I told her that I've been so upset because I've been through hell this year and I just wanted my mother to hug me, hold me, let me lay my head in her lap while she stroked my hair and praying for me. I just wanted my mother to tell me that it was gonna be all right. I just needed a mother this year. I had no one to turn to and I should have had a mother to turn to, but my mother has been so battered and abused that she's never told me that she loved me. I told her all this and she encouraged me, but at one point, she told me that I just wanted to have my pity party. Wow!! I never thought it if like that. Yes, I've been holding on, but my heart has been so heavy because I've just been feeling sorry for myself and I wanted someone to understand my pain. She hugged me and put her arm around me and told me it was gonna be okay.

My spirits have been lifted and I'm leaving the pity in 2010. I'm walking in forgiveness and integrity.

I'm Stuck

Yep, I'm sitting in my car in front of Jenny's house stuck. In the ice. My car started. I was elated!! I put the key in the ignition and it started. No stalling at all. I didn't have to wait 10 minutes or 20 minutes or 30 minutes before it figured out that it was me--the owner. So I rushed back into the house to gather my things. Grabbed my laptop, make-up, etc. and rushed back out because I do't have much gas. I got into my car, put it in drive and nothing.

The snow plows blocked me in with all the snow and I didn't think to shovel myself out yesterday. And I have n key to get back into Jenny's house. Thank God, I'm used to the cold.

A million things ran through my head--walk up the street to find Nicole's house, maybe she's still home, or even Kyle or Niecee may still be home. I was about to cry because I left my microphone in the house. I was gonna use that to call someone from my gmail account, then it crossed my mind to knock on the neighbors door to see if I could use their phone to call someone. But then i remembered yahoo has sms, so I could text someone. I text Quinn. She said she will be here in 20 minutes. I hope she means 20 minutes and not 30 or 40 or 50 minutes. I'm supposed to be at church at 9:45 in place to greet the people when I'm called on. I'm just gonna thank God that she will be here.

Uh Oh

I got a message on FB that my brothers are coming to town next week. Oh, what to do, what to do???

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

I woke up this morning and helped Jenny with Christmas dinner. We baked a turkey and fixed some dressing (I make the bomb dressing, but this wasn't my best because I didn't have all the ingredients that I like). Trina came over to make baked mac and cheese. Mera came over to make stuff shells (they were off the hook).

Mel came to pick me up. He's such a sweet guy. I was helping Jenny shovel the driveway and walkway before he came. When he showed up, he got out his truck, grabbed the shovel from Jenny and finished it. He's such a sweetheart.

When we got to Dining Downtown, I didn't know what to expect.

They told us to assembly in the sanctuary for Christmas Caroling. That was nice. Mel, who is a musician and singer, brought his clarinet and asked he could play for the people during dinner. They allowed him to play and I didn't he was that good. He was amazing. Then he started singing. It's not that he can't sing, it's just that at the time, he needed the play the instrument. He was anointed to play the clarinet because it was beautiful. When he started singing....it was kind of dry--it was killing the spirit. So, he went back to playing. It sounded like the angels were singing.

There were plenty of volunteers. At one point there were more volunteers than people, so I didn't get a chance to serve until closer to the end of the dinner when a lot of volunteers were leaving. It was such a wonderful experience. The news station was there along with the newspaper.

While there, I saw a few people that I knew coming to eat. One of my former students was there. I invited her to our house for dinner. She came over and ate and we all played Apples to Apples. We had fun!!

It was a Merry Christmas!!!

Old Friends

Mel called me to ask if I wanted to come over to watch a movie. I jumped at the chance. I was super bored and really needing some male company. So I braved the snow and slippery streets to drive all the way across town to watch Leap Year with him. I've seen the movie before (I didn't tell him that) and it was so much funnier this time.

He's gonna go with me tomorrow to serve dinner downtown. I'm excited. Well, I will be if I don't run out of gas getting there tomorrow!

Ineligible

I got my letter in the mail that stated that I'm ineligible for unemployment. Basically, it said that I have not bee actively looking for work. WHAT???? I've had several interviews and I've applied for numerous jobs since August 2010. But because they called the temporary agency that I work for and they told them that I haven't contacted them to tell them that I'm available, so that means that I'm not actively seeking employment!!!!

BAH HUMBUG!!!!!

Dining Downtown

I thank God for allowing me to see another Christmas eve. Jesus is the reason for the season!!

The last saturday of the month, a church in town provides a dinner for the homeless. Since Christmas is on a Saturday, they were thinking about cancelling, but realized that this was the perfect time to serve. So I'm volunteering to serve Christmas dinner. I'm excited!!!!!

Have a Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas Food Baskets

The nonprofit I volunteer with provided food baskets for Christmas to about 40 people in the community. We also provided food baskets to people in another city. I love volunteering for this project. I love being able to help somebody. Two years ago when I helped, I cried when I delivered food to this one lady. When I gave her the basket, she was so appreciative that she cried and that made me cry. It was beautiful. We don't deliver the baskets anymore, but we have them come to pick them up. There were 8 people who didn't come to get their basket. I was wondering if they didn't come because they didn't have a ride, but we had 8 left. Of course those will be given away during the regular food pantry house in January, but I was too embarrassed to ask for one. I was hoping that the director would ask me because two years ago when we had left overs, she asked me if I wanted one and at the time, I didn't need it so, I told her "no thank you". I figured they could give that food to someone who really needed it. Well, I'm in need!!! God keeps blessing me day by day because every day, when I've needed gas money somebody has given me money without asking. So, I have gas. But I have no food. Yes, Jenny is wonderful about seeing that I get something to eat, but I feel so bad that I can't offer anything. Jenny is low-income herself. I'm not exactly sure how much she makes, but I know it's not a lot. I was helping her complete her financial aid forms earlier this year for school and she had her 2009 taxes and she only made about $12000 last year. So, not being able to help her with buying stuff for Christmas dinner is something that makes me uncomfortable. Gggrrrrrr.

The good news is that I got too important phone calls today. At 4:27pm, the DHS people called me. I have an appointment to see if I'm eligible for food stamps at 8:15am on Monday morning. I have to bring my identification and my letter from the unemployment stating that I'm ineligible. Ugh!!! I haven't gotten the letter yet.

What to do, what to do??

At 4:46, I got a call from the unemployment people. I have an appointment at 3:00pm on Monday afternoon. I will need to bring in my work search forms--the form that says I've looked for work from 11/14-12/21.

So, I've got to get that letter together.

I guess that's accomplishment.

Tall Glass of Water

I can't remember the last time I drank water or anything this late. When you sleep in your car, the last thing you want to do is have to pee in the middle of the night. Especially when it's cold. I just got out the shower and was brushed my teeth (another thing I haven't done at night in a long time) and I needed some water, so I got a nice glass of water and drank IT ALL. Then I refilled it and drank all of that!!! At one point while drinking, I had to remind myself that I COULD drink all of it because I was now sleeping in a bed, in a home.

Well, I'm actually sleeping on a cot and the home is not mine, but I have a roof over my head and there is heat and it's nice and cozy.

Here are some things that are different because I had to sleep in my car:

1. I don't know where my pajamas are. I'm finding myself still sleeping in my clothes. I had to search for a t-shirt so I wouldn't seem strange.

2. I have to think twice about drinking water before going to bed.

3. My fingers and toes are horribly unkempt. I try to clipped and manicure them as best as I could, but I think I need professional help. The skin around my nails is all jagged.

4. My face is quite pimply. I have so many dark spots from acne because I haven't been able to wash my face at night.

5. I'm in desperate need of oral hygiene. I have not been able to brush my teeth before going to bed since I became homeless.

6. I have to remind myself that I don't need to carry all my stuff in my bag--I can leave my toiletries and make-up at home now. My bag has been so lighter.

7. I'm still having trouble sorting my clothes. The dirty clothes and the clean clothes, somehow, keep mixing together. Ugh.

8. I have so much excessive body hair. It's beginning to be a major problem, especially down there. I have a forest and I don't know where to start to trim it.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Why would she call me at 4:54????

I was waiting on the lady from the unemployment office to call me. I went to the library at about 3:45pm to do some work and to wait until 4:30 to pick Tonya up from work to take her vehicle to the mechanic. I put my phone on vibrate in my pocket because I didn't want to draw any attention to myself. I left at 4:30 and when I got to Jenny's I noticed 2 missed calls. One was Jenny and the other was the unemployment office. Why oh why oh why??? I will be in that office first thing in the morning!!!!!!

Productive Day

The nonprofit organization that I volunteer with paid my storage fee. It was $118. I'm happy. Now I can get more of my clothes and shoes.

I went to the unemployment office to talk to the person assigned to my case. I didn't tell them that I spoke with someone on the phone yesterday and they told me that they would send me a letter. I simply said that I was supposed to have an interview and no one called me. The man looked up my information. He said that someone called mat 11:03am and he gave me the number that they called. I told the man that they called the wrong number and that I called on Friday to update my phone number. I even gave him the number that they called from which is not the contact number that is in my letter that was in the mail. I told him that whoever I talked to on Friday said that my information was updated. He told me that he didn't doubt my story, but for some reason it didn't update in the computer, so they made a determination about my case. AGGRAVATING!!!!

He said that he would pass along my information to the person who is supposed to handle my case and she would give me a call either today or tomorrow. So far, no one has called me. I will be there bright and early tomorrow morning!!!

After the unemployment office, I went to one of the hospitals that I have bills at. Since I hadn't opened any of the mail, I didn't know what the lady was talking about. She asked me if I filled out the financial form. I told her I hadn't gotten it. She simply gave me a form to fill out that detailed my income, expenses, and assets. I detailed that I have $0 income, $$2500 in expenses (they only wanted to know about rent and utilities), and $1.99 in assets in my checking account :-)

She then told me that she needed a copy of my 2009 taxes and a statement from unemployment. I told her that I didn't know what was going on with my unemployment right now because (see above).

After leaving there, I went to pay my storage fee. The woman was so nice. I'm happy that people are nice!!!!! It makes my crazy situation much bearable.

After the storage, I went to the other hospital to apply for financial assistance. Their system was a little different. In addition to my 2009 taxes, I needed copies of my W-2s, the last three month's of pay stubs that showed my YEAR TO DATE earnings and my unemployment statement. It took me almost an hour to gather all of that information. I'm glad I left that stuff at my office at the church because there is no way I would have kept up with it in my car and I knew that my storage would probably be locked so I didn't want to leave it there.

I went to my office at church, copied and printed off all the required information and headed back to both hospitals. When I got to St. Mary's (the one that required my W-2s), the woman went over my information and told me that since I worked another job in 2009, I needed a YTD total of my earnings. WHAT???? I told her that I hadn't worked at the other job since June 2010 and that all my stuff is in storage and it was locked (yeah, I paid it, but they won't unlock it until the check clears since I was behind). Plus, I can't remember where those check stubs are, that was over a half a year ago. What to do, what to do???? The only other option would be to wait until I get my W-2 from that job or call them to see if they could get me some type of statement that says what I earned. I told the woman that the job was in Springfield, but the headquarter was in Chicago. She told me that they would not be able to help me without that information. What to do, what to do????? I'm gonna try see if I can find an old check stub.

I then went to the other hospital and dropped the paperwork off. Easy breezy!!!

So now I wait and wait and wait and wait.

I borrowed $10 to get some gas. That didn't go far. I remember when $10 would get enough gas to last me two weeks. Now it doesn't last a day. WHAT?? Plus, it's super cold!!

Uplifted

I went to church yesterday evening and was a little heavy in my heart. I guess, I was just confused and upset at my current situation.

One of the Elders came to pray for me. I didn't want to cry. I didn't even feel enough to pray, but I did and I felt uplifted. I thank God!!!

One thing that I do know is that God is with me and I thank him for being with me!!!

Just like Joseph, when he was sold into kidnapped, sold into slavery, and even put into jail for something he didn't do, God was with him. The Bible says that He won't leave me or forsake me, so I stand on that word and trust God.

I've got a some business to handle today:

1. Going to the unemployment place to figure out what's going on. Apparently, I'm ineligible for some reason, but they won't tell me.

2. Visit the hospital's billing people to tell them that I'm broke and I have no money to pay the bills.

3. Work on some grants that I need to complete before Dec 31st.

4. Apply for food stands. Since I'm ineligible for unemployment, I need to at least be able to eat.

Unemployment Benefits Part II

I was supposed to have a phone interview with the unemployment people because they said that some questions came up with my claim. The letter said that the interview would be at 11am today. 11am came and went and my phone didn't ring. So I called them. I was told that my interview would be with Judy and that she is probably behind on her calls, "just keep the line open" is what I was told. 1pm came and went and still my phone didn't ring. So, I called them back. I finally got ahold of somebody who told me that my interview would be with Jenna, not Judy and that a determination had been made and a letter would be sent to me. WHAT???

I asked if I could talk to someone to get information on the determination. She said that a letter would be sent and no one could talk to me over the phone about it. Huh???

My stomach is in knots. I have no money. I was gonna apply for food stamps, but I can't because they asked the question, "Will you be receiving income within the next 10 days?" I don't know if I will be receiving income. So I can't apply for food stamps. Well, I guess I can apply and tell them that I won't be receiving any income, but they will check with IDES to see if I'm getting unemployment. When they check, I don't want it to show that I'm getting benefits because then I will have completed a fraudulent application. Ugh, this is so horrible!!!!! What to do, what to do???

Unemployment Benefits

I have not been paid for my unemployment. I was a quite sad. I thought I would be paid last week. Maybe it's this week. But I have $1.99 in the bank and my car is on "E". I'm scared to drive. I got a letter in the mail saying that I have to answer some questions. Maybe that's why I wasn't paid--they have some questions. They are supposed to call me at 11am today. I can't wait until then. I've got some questions for them.

I have not sent in my transcript for the job at UIS. I don't have any money to order it.

Yesterday, I was so bummed. I wanted to go somewhere and hibernate until the winter was over. I was sad because I didn't have any money and nothing in my life is going right. Every job opportunity I've had has failed. I got a call saying that I didn't get the job working with grants management at ADM. That job is perfect for me. I write grants. She said that I didn't get the job because there was someone who had more experience writing grants. What? I've written and won over $80,000 in grants just last year. That's experience! No, I haven't won millions of dollars in grants, but I have significant experience. Ugh!!!

So, here I am, sitting in someone else's house at her job. If the office at church wasn't so cold, I'd go there to work (if I had gas money to get there). There's something wrong with the furnace and the need to have a service person come look at it, so I have work to do at church, but I can't work in the office.

I have no food. I go to our food pantry to get pork and beans and hot dogs to eat. I'm gonna apply for a Link Card. Link is the modern day food stamps. I'm not sure how long it takes to get a car, but I need some food. I can't remember a Christmas without turkey. I can't remember a Christmas without going to the movies on Christmas day.

I know that God is with me. My Pastor's wife told me that story of Joseph, which I had known and she said that Joseph was sold into kidnapped, sold into slavery, went to live in somebody else's house, put in jail, forgotten about by people, but GOD WAS WITH JOSEPH!!!! When she told me that, that made me cry. I'm tearing up while I'm typing about it. That is powerful!!! She said that nothing would work for Joseph. He went to live in Potipher's house, but his wife accused him and was sent to jail. He was put over the prisoners in jail and he told two of the men that were sent there to not forget about him when they got out and sure enough when they got out they forgot that he helped them. Nothing Joseph did worked. She told me to be encouraged because where God is taking me, I have to be prepared. Just like Joseph wasn't prepared to rule the kingdom yet, so he had to deal with what he had to deal with because had been been placed in position to rule the kingdom, at the time that he wanted, he would have messed up. He would not have been able to help his family--he would have been too bitter that his brothers kidnapped him and sold him into slavery and then lied and said that he was killed. All the ungodly stuff had to be worked out of Joseph so that he could rule the kingdom with character and integrity and power and might. So, he practiced. When he was in jail, he was put in leadership over the prisoners. When he was a slave in Potipher's house, he was practicing his leadership role. It wasn't until after all that happened to him that finally God made him ruler of the the kingdom. So even though, I'm in my valley, I using this as my practice to be a leader not just in my community, but in my state and in the nation.

Thank God for His word that encourages me!!

Yes, It Does Snow In Arizona

I found out that it does snow in Arizona, but it doesn't snow in southern California. I love San Diego :-).

Well, I have a place to sleep at night, but it's not home. My friend, Jenny runs a day care center out of her home and she uses two of her three bedrooms for the children. I'm not sure how many children she has. I don't think she can have more than 8 or 10 at a time by herself, but the children start coming at 6:30am. Right now I'm sleeping on the couch because she doesn't have any beds other than what she sleeps in. She said she does have a blow up mattress, but it needs to be blown up. It's okay. I'm good with sleeping on the couch. I do have a cot, but it's in my storage which is locked up.

I don't feel comfortable being there during the day with the children--not that I don't like children, but it's kind of like, I'm at her job hanging around. So, I this morning, I left and I'm not hanging out at Panera Bread watching them clean the windows. I'm learning something new.

I clean the glass doors at church as one of my duties and I have not been able to clean the outside because I wasn't sure how to clean them in the cold, but the guy told me that the cleaner has alcohol in it. Wow, learn something new everyday. So when I'm get paid, I'm gonna get some alcohol to put into the water to clean the outside of the windows.

I'm not sure how long I'm gonna sit around here. I really want to go to sleep, but I'm just not comfortable at her house yet. Hugghhhh.....

The Roads are Dry, but Gas is over $3

I emailed my pastor's wife on last night. I simply told her that I was having a hard time. She emailed me back to come to her office to talk. I got to her office at around 11am this morning. I told her that I was losing everything--I didn't have a place to live, I'm behind on my car payment, the storage facility sent me a letter saying that if I didn't pay them, all my stuff would be auctioned off, etc. etc. etc.

She simply said, "You need to go to Jenny's."

Backstory....

Earlier this year in February, I had a meeting with her and I told her that I was behind on my rent and the landlord wanted me out. During this time, I had just broken up with Coach and I had also gotten robbed at gun point. My mind was crazy. Coach was driving me crazy and I was afraid to go out at night or when it was dark outside. She told me that I needed to keep myself covered, meaning that I needed to have someone to help me when it relates to dating and men. I have a history of "moving too fast" and getting myself into trouble as it relates to dating and it has left me heartbroken on numerous occasions. So to keep myself saved, I needed to have someone that I could be accountable to. She told me that Jenny needed someone to be her roommate and that she would mention it to Jenny to see if I could move in with her.

Jenny and I had gone to the same university, however, we graduated two years apart form each other. We became friends a couple of years ago and we were getting to be friends even more at the beginning of this year. So I was happy to be able to move in with her. She had the space and she was sort of like me, she didn't have many friends. Jenny told my pastor's wife that all she does is sit at home and doesn't really go out or do much. So my pastor's wife figured this would be good for the both of us--I needed a place to stay and someone to help cover me as I dated and she needed a friend and companion. Everything was good.

But, things didn't go as planned.

Initially, when Jenny and I talked about it, she wanted me to pay rent. At that time, I was okay with that because I was working. She wanted me to pay $300 a month. That was cool, I was making $18/hour working 88 hours every pay period. $300 was okay with me. However, Jenny also owned a daycare center out of her home and to maintain her license, if anyone came to live with her, they would need to have their background ran by children and family services. Just a technicality to ensure that no pedophiles were going to be around children. I was cool with that. But, there was one issue..... There was a warrant for my arrest. Remember this story. Well, I hadn't gotten that issue taken car of, so when Jenny gave me the papers, I just shuffled my feet. I bided my time trying to figure out what to do because I was sure my background was gonna come back that I needed to turn myself in to the police. Before, I could get the situation taken car of something happened.

Jenny and I worked together on a project for my job. When I started the project, I went to a meeting that explained what I would be doing. I came back, presented to project to the staff, Jenny, included, but I guess I didn't explain it well enough because Jenny wanted my boss to have a meeting with us all to explain the project. Some words were exchanged and I got offended because in essence, I felt that my co-workers didn't trust that I knew what I was doing to get the job done. I felt they didn't want to hear the instructions from me because they basically didn't think that I knew enough to do what I was supposed to do. I got offended and decided that since they didn't trust me, I didn't trust them and there went my relationship with Jenny. We didn't talk and each time we had a meeting, I didn't want to participate or be involved. I emotionally backed away from the team I was working with. Bad move on my part. A few months later, my boss called us all in and told us we needed to deal with whatever was going on because we needed to work as a team and if we couldn't deal with each other enough to work as a team, then somebody needed to be replaced. After that meeting, we still didn't deal with the issue. I wanted to, but after that meeting, nobody stepped up to say, "hey let's deal with this" so we just swept things under the rug. A few months after that, we were having a meeting where only Jenny and I showed up and we had a mini pow wow to hash out some of the issues. Our plan was to have a big pow wow with everyone, but the truth of the matter is that the issue was between me and Jenny.

After that meeting everything was back to normal. We cold all worked together in harmony, but I was still kind of distant. I wanted to be friends with Jenny, but I didn't know how. It was like me and her were meant to be friends, but I let my pride get in the way of us being friends. I made excuses and she would often reach out to me by calling me, but I was distant and I didn't know how to break down that wall of distrust.

So fast forward to this morning...

My pastor's wife was telling me that I needed to let my pride go and start tearing down the walls in my heart and allow myself to be friends--true friends and Jenny was supposed to be my true friend, but I wasn't letting her. It's kind of like when your parent tell you that there are some people who are good for you and some people who aren't and Jenny is someone who is good for me to hang around. So, after my meeting with my pastor's wife, Jenny and I along with another friend went to dinner. We had a good time. After dinner, Jenny asked me if I wanted to go riding with her to see the houses. There is a wealthy neighborhood where the millionaires live (not all of them are millionaires, but some are). Jenny drives in the neighborhood because she said that she wants to live in that neighborhood. So we went driving to see all the big houses. In the car, I told her that I needed a place to live. I didn't explained anything. I just said that I needed a place ASAP. She said that her door was open. I then told her that I didn't have any money. She said that I didn't need anything. We then talked about the houses and after that, went to the mall. While we were leaving the mall, I asked her when I could come, she asked me when I wanted and I said, "how about tonight." She said, "yep" get your stuff and come over. I didn't tell her my stuff was in the car.

I went to Target to get some body wash, unpacked some of my stuff from my trunk and went to her house, which is where I am now, getting ready to go to bed.


As I was driving today, I realized that the roads were dry. No more slush and dirty snow. I went to the gas station and I was mad. Gas was $3.07. WHAT???????

Prayze Cafe

My friend, Tonya, invited me to the Prayze Cafe in Riverdale. They were having a pre-Christmas event with all types of entertainment. I told her that I didn't have any money, but that was okay with her because I was gonna be a her guest, so she was paying for everything--hotel, food, gas, etc. I sent my pastor's wife and email tell her of my plans basically because I don't have any family here and I like for somebody to know where I am. I also wanted her to know because I wanted to ask her if that was a good idea. Tonya is a good friend, but she hasn't been doing so well. Her goal for going was to meet someone. My motive for going was to have a warm place to sleep...and the entertainment. Well, my spiritual mom told me to make sure that I don't get distracted by my friends actions.

After a few days, I decided that I didn't want to go. My fiasco this morning sealed the deal. I was just exacerbated. I couldn't get my head straight. I was fighting depression and anger--I was just tired of my situation. If it wasn't so cold, I think I could deal with it.......

So, I didn't call Tonya. I figured that I'd just let her know on Sunday that I wasn't able to make it.

At 6pm I was getting ready for a meeting with my boss at the nonprofit that I volunteer at. I was at the university and I walked out to my car and it didn't start....for 30 minutes. I called one of the girls that I work with to tell her that I was gonna be late and she told me that the meeting was cancelled. My boss was sick. "Great!!!" I thought to myself. I was sitting in the car trying to start my car and I could be sitting in the cozy University lounge watching TV. I took a breathe and sat and waiting until my car started. I decided to go to Panera Bread--free wifi and nobody cares if you sit there for hours on your computer. I got to Panera with $5 and some change. I decided to get a cookie--at least I could try to act like I came here for the food :-). While going to get water, I noticed Tonya sitting there. I went over. "We 'sposed to be in Riverdale right now!" She said. I told her that I was stuck all day and I mad and just not really feeling it. She said she understood. I sat and rattled on and on about how this was such a horrible year for me. She asked me where I lived. I lied and made up a story about how I have no money and I'm about to be evicted. I wanted to tell her so badly that I was sleeping in my car, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Sure enough she asked me if she could come over to use my shower :-(. She said that she only has a bathtub and it's that time of the month and she feels so gross not being able to shower during that time. I told her to call me. Ugh!!!! What am I gonna do? I hate having to lie!!! Plus, she's my friend, even though she's going through some craziness in her life. We chatted some more. A couple of weeks ago she invited me to her house for Christmas. I accepted the invitation. I told her that I was gonna bring carmel pecan pie, but now I had no money and I couldn't bring anything. We both laughed about it being a horrible year and right before she left, she threw $20 on the table. I'm trying not to cry now thinking about it.

She's gone now and I'm sitting in Panera shivering feeling quite overloaded. I feel tired. What am I doing wrong?????

I decided that I'm gonna tell my pastor's wife what's going on. I'm gonna swallow my pride because I can't do this on my own!!!!! I need help and everything that I've tried, has not worked!!!!!!

At Least It Doesn't Snow in Arizona!

Does it????

This snow is kicking my butt.

I parked at my usual spot. The was the first mistake. I should have parked somewhere else because when I first got there, the owner was at the door looking out. I just drove around and came back and he was gone. Usually if something like that happens, I just move to a different spot. I guess, I was too comfort with this parking spot to move on. Big Mistake!!

I parked and there was a motel customer that come out with his daughter to walk to the store. Again, I should have moved. They walked right past me when they came back. Then a car pulled up right next to me and I was sure he saw me, but I ducked underneath my blanket. I went to sleep.

When I finally got up it was 9am. I started my car, waited 10 minutes (darn defect) and was able to leave. I put my car in reverse, backed out, put it in drive and my tires spinned and spinned and spinned. I was going no where. I backed up and tried to go forward--spinning tires. I backed up more and tried to go forward and nothing. Ugh. So I got smart, I decided that since I can go backwards and not forwards, then I'm going to back out of the parking lot. It worked until I got to the hill. My tires were not going up that hill with all of that snow, ice, and slush. It was almost 10am and I couldn't get out of the parking lot. I was stuck.

By noon, I had managed to inch my way up the hill and I was right at the top, but my tires were just spinning and spinning as I gunned my engine. The good thing was that I wasn't blocking the entrance. I decided to use some newspaper that I had in my car as traction for my tires. That worked. It got me closer to the top of the hill. By the way, it wasn't like a hill, the pavement just sloped upwards out of the parking lot. My front tires were bald, so there was no traction to keep me moving.

Finally, I ran out of newspaper. What to do, what to do?

The owner came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him I was stuck. He told me to move. I told him I was stuck and trying to move, he told me to move. I told him I was trying to and he said to call somebody. He then said he was calling the police. He said that I was blocking the drive and his customers couldn't get in. He said that the Pepsi guy said that he could hardly get in because I was parked on the side of the entrance. He then got on the phone to the police.

He was so mean.

I cried. I sat there and cried.

At one point, I thought I was gonna lose it. I thought I was gonna start screaming at the top of my lungs. I thought I was going to start banging my fist on the steering wheel. I thought I was gonna lose it, but I had to talk to myself. I had to tell myself that losing it would not change anything at all. I pulled myself together and I dumped all my clothes out of my laundry bag and I got a towel. I laid each one under my two front tire. I got back into the car and put it in reverse. My car moved and backed up enough for me to get out of the parking lot.

It took 3 and a half hours to move my car!!!!

3.5 hours.

I'm in tears right now thinking about it because that incident is such a metaphor for my life right now.

The owner kept telling me to call somebody. I had nobody to call. If I had money I could have called a tow truck, if I had friends that I trust, I could have called them to ask for help, but there is no one that I trust enough to ask for help. So I keep going and going and pushing and pushing and not getting very far because I have no one. I refuse to trust anyone enough to help me. So, I'm stuck.

I AM SO BORED!!!

I just finished reading "How Starbucks Saved My Life."  It was such a wonderful book.  I shed a tear at the end.  I googled Michael Gates Gill, the author, and I found that they are making a movie of his book.  Now I'm bored.   I am watching him talk about his story.

I have work to do, grants to write, but I am so uncomfortable.  I want to take a nap.

Here's the video of Michael Gates Gill.  I can't wait for the movie!!!!

Arizona, Here I Come

I wish!!!! If I didn't have ties to my community like I do, I would gas up my car and head west. My unemployment check is direct deposited. I could activate my checkcard and go.

I just looked at the weather map of the entire country. It's cold everywhere. I thought at least the west and the south was warmer. Take a look for yourself:

I'd have to go to South America to be warm.

This morning when I woke up, there was a sheet of ice covering my car.  It took 30 minutes for my car to start and another 20 minutes to de-ice everything.  And it's still snowing.

I was reading the news stories of all the people who have been stranded on the highways due to the winter storms here in the midwest.  It made me wonder if they even thought about the fact that this is what the homeless experience everyday.  They were only in the cold one night, but this is some people's everyday reality.  I even heard a news story of a woman and her husband that were stranded on the highway had their baby in the car.  The story said that mother and baby were doing fine.  I'm glad, but again, it makes me wonder if they are grateful for their warm houses.  I know I'm grateful for my car because that is my only shelter.  Now, I just need the money to keep it.

Interview went well

I got up at about 7:30am and my car started. I put the key in and it started. That let me know that the temperature was warmer today than it had been. Sure enough when I looked at the thermostat on my car, it said 25 degrees. I have not had trouble starting my car all day!!!

That's how this stupid defect works. Even though it's still cold, because the temperature is higher than it was before, my car starts. When the temperature drops again, it won't start. Mark my words.

So I was a little concerned about that because I didn't want to get into my car and it take 20, even 30 minutes to start. That has been the case these last few days.

I got there in plenty time. I met with Mirinda, Kim and Jennifer. I was a little apprehensive because I didn't know that I would be meeting with them. I know Kim and Mirinda from working with the school district. The interview was short. Not longer than 30 minutes.

I'm just gonna hope for the best. But, after meeting with them, I'm sure the job pays more than $10 an hour. This is a job that takes a lot of skill-not just answering phones and making copies.

The good thing is that they want the person to start December 20. So I will know this week!!!

Keep Moving Foward

I absolutely love the movie, Meet the Robinsons. My favorite scene is when Lewis in in the future and he fails at his invention and the family cheers. Here's the scene:

The Root of Bitterness

One of the roots of bitterness is unforgiveness.

For about two years, my heart has been broken because I had a friend who hurt me badly.  We were friends in college and had been friends for over 10 years.  In December 2008, all that changed.  It wasn't all his fault.  I was being disobedient to God and it caused us to not be friends anymore.  I wouldn't speak to him, he'd call me to try to apologize and I'd tell him he was forgiven, but I was so hurt that I wanted him to hurt too.  I wanted to tell him how badly he hurt me!!

I kept telling myself to let it go, but everytime I thought about it, my heart hurt and I would cry.  I would want to call him and get him told.  In July of this year after not seeing him since 2008, I found out that he had graduated with his Ph.d (I was supposed to go to his graduation) and he had a new job with the state in the same city that I was working in (He lives about 3 hours from me).  I was so happy for him.  He had spent a lot of time working on his degree.  I wanted to celebrate him, but because my heart was broken and because I was mad at myself for allowing the situation to happen, I couldn't celebrate him.

Well, I decided to send him a card.  I just put my initials on it, so he didn't know it was from me.  A few weeks later I went to see him at his new job.  I told him it was me that sent him the card.  We were amicable, but the spirit wasn't right.  I was still hurt and I wanted to tell him how hurt I was.  But, I let it go and didn't speak to him again even after he apologized and wanted to meet for lunch.  I didn't respond to his invitation.

This past month my pastor's wife has been teaching on forgiveness.  The hurt came back.  I began to cry again.  I went up for prayer, but the hurt was still there.  She taught that forgiveness is a choice, it's not about how you feel because you may still be hurt, but you have to choose to forgive.  So, last night as she was praying, I felt overwhelmingly tired and I begin to cry.  I told God I didn't want to hurt anymore because it wasn't just him that I was mad at, I was made at myself.  I needed to forgive myself and that was hard for me to do.  My homelessness is a result of things that I've done and I have been mad at myself.  So, she had someone come pray for me and the spirit lifted--they heaviness lifted.  The spirit of forgiveness was there and I forgave.  My heart doesn't hurt anymore.

Thank God!! Because I didn't want to become bitter.  I didn't want to become tormented by my mistakes.  I want to learn from them and keep moving forward!!!!

My Igloo

God is good.  I survived in 5 degree weather and this time, I was warm.  I had a good night sleep.  Thank God.

My friend, Tonya invited me to go with her to Chicago this weekend.  I'm not sure if I'm going to go.  What's the purpose?  I'm not into meeting anyone and she really wants to meet some people.  I just want to go so that I don't have to sleep in my car on Friday night.  I don't have any money to contribute and Tonya said she would take care of all the expenses.

I checked my account today.  No direct deposit.  Only .96.  I hope I get paid tomorrow!!!

Interview on Wednesday

My interview is confirmed for Wednesday.  I have to be at the corporate office at 2pm.  I certified for my unemployment benefits for the past two weeks.  Hopefully, I get paid tomorrow.  I need to get some gas for my car and I want to get a room to stay in before the interview.  I have to be polished and I have to be good.  I put an ad on Craiglist for a roommate.  I didn't put an amount because I wanted to be able to negotiate.  I think I'm able to pay about $150 a month.  My goal was to not pay anything, because I'm so far behind in my bills, but if I have to pay something then I have to pay something.

Two weeks until Christmas.

I"m a little bummed out.  My goal has been to have a place to live by the holiday season.  I have two weeks to reach my goal.  I've done everything that I could do--I've prayed, i've applied for job after job, I've interviewed.  I'm applied for social services, I've kept my faith in God.  The Bible says faith without works is dead and I've been doing all that I could do sans begging people.  I don't know what else to do.  I was thinking about calling another city to see if they had emergency shelter that I could go to.  I'd drive to St. Louis or Chicago if that's what it takes.  I even thought about driving some place south where it is warmer--like Miami.  I checked the weather and it's even cold in Atlanta--it's 40 degrees down there.  In Miami, it's 60 degrees.  I thank God we are not in an ice storm like in 2006.      

5°

I've survived 40° weather, 27° weather and even 20° weather.  I was scared when I saw the temperature was going to drop to 5°.  But, I survived.  My toes stayed warm and for the most part, I was warm, but there a point in the night when my arms got cold.  I have no idea why.  I was covered from head to toe and buried in layers, but the layers kept falling off my top half and my arms were cold.  So that made the rest of me cold.  Not unbearably cold, but it did wake me up.  


I was supposed go to the office at church this morning, but it took my car 30 minutes to start.  I HATE the SATURN company.  Why oh why won't they fix my car?????


I decided that the only way that I'm probably going to get around this is to have a remote starter installed on my car.  Then I will bypass the ignition to start my car and have no worries.  Of course I think I will have to put my key in the ignition some time, so hopefully, that won't cause a problem.  


I've totaled up my bills that I'm behind on and they total over $5000.


Car note:  $660
Phone:  $200
New tires:  $550
Debt Ret:  $350
Ameren:  $600
Storage: $120
Student Loan:  $$600
Hospital Bills:  I don't know because I have not looked at the bills.  I'm scared to look at the bills.  I have to go to hospital to talk about some type of discount for me.  






I'm drowning and I don't have anyone to yell to for help!!!  

New Motel this Weekend

I decided to try a different hotel this weekend and I'm happy that I did.  It's cheaper, $42, cleaner (or at least it looks cleaner), doesn't stink (the room does not smell like cig smoke, and it has free wifi.  Plus, there are more cable channels, Yay!!  The only issue is that it's not an indoor hotel--the hallways are not indoors.  Ordinarily I would not feel safe in this type of hotel, but sleeping in my car has changed my mind.  Also, I checked in at noon.  Not many hotels let you check in that early, but from the looks of the parking lot, there are not many people here.  I'm happy.

I've got a wedding to get ready for.  

I went to the Mall

I haven't been the mall since May.  I haven't had a reason to.  Well, actually, I went on Thanksgiving with my family, but that was only because it was a family event.  But, to go to look to see what's there, I haven't done in a while.

I was bored.  I had sat at the library from 9am to about 2pm.  Then I went to the office at the church, but it was freezing there because something is wrong with furnace.  So I left there at around 3:30 and went to TJ Maxx.  After there I went to the mall.  I got all dolled up from the Make-up counter at Kohls.  I sampled some new fragrances, then I went to Bath and Body works.  I love going there.  I scrubbed my hands using the 60 Second Manicure Scrub.  I love that stuff.  Then I slathered on some shea butter.  My hands still feel good.  After Bath and Body works, I went to my favorite store here, Von Maur.  I love their shoe room.  Of course you have to search for the show you want, but when you find what you are looking for, it's always a bargain.  I also, love their clearance rack.  After leaving there, I was tired, so I came to the university where I will be hanging around until about 10pm tonight.

Lost Transcript

I called my alma mater to ask if they had a record of me sending the transcript.  They did have a record of me ordering it and they did send it our.  However, it never got to them.  So, I called today to check to see if they locate my transcript on campus somewhere and the secretary stated that she hadn't been able to locate it.  So, I'm ordering a new transcript.  The problem is, I don't have the money to order it.  Transcripts normally cost $5 and they send it out in the order it was received.  But, I can send a rushed transcript for $10 and they send it out the next business day.  I can also order a faxed transcript and they fax it and also send it out the next business day.  That cost $15.  I have nada.  I still have to pay my car note and I have money to rent a motel room on this weekend.  (I think).

So, I'm gonna have to figure out where I can get $15 from.  I want to put my best foot forward.

I got an email from a temporary service the send me out on jobs every now and then.  The job description is:   

Temporary Employee Roles & Responsibilities for Application Management • Management of all grant applications entered in CyberGrants o Submitting all sponsorships, hospitality/entertainment packages and sporting tickets applications to the appropriate, internal reviewing body o Collecting and continuing vetting of all applications and funding requests o Uploading proper approvals to CyberGrants • Manage budget o Receive quarterly/monthly reports from business units/locations, tracking local spend related to Cares projects • Supervision of all funding requests within CyberGrants, designated to programs • Administrations of all requests o Funding will be against each group’s P&L o Responsible for ensuring correct allocation of funding in CyberGrants for reporting capabilities • Provide monthly report on budget tracking to Community Engagement for initial review • Provide all reports to VAP for final review • Provide all reports to business units, OCE and Accounting 

This sounds exciting.  I write grants and I've written corporate grants before and this job will help me with my grant writing.  I will be able to see what Corporations look for when they are reviewing grants.  This is only a temporary position, but it is temp to hire.  


The problem is, I don't know if' it's full time or not.  Also, usually these types of jobs are only $10 an hour.  I'd have to calculate if it would be worth it compared to my unemployment benefits.  Of course this can open the door for me for something else and this will surely build my resume in grant writing.  So, I'm going to be weighing all my options.  


My interview is on Wednesday at 2pm. 

My Crippled Car

I had to put the donut wheel on my car because I don't have any money to buy new tires.  I'm not supposed to drive on that very long.  I hope I can buy a new tired next week.  My car looks really deformed with the tiny donut. 

Mel called me today to ask me if I had the people at Farm and Fleet look at my tire?  I hadn't thought about that.  I went recycle my car battery and they could have looked at my tired to see if I could have gotten it plugged and they could have put it back on.  I wasn't even thinking.  So, my tire is in the back of my trunk.

I went to the University after I got everything together.  I stayed there until about midnight.  I am so tired today.  I got up at 8 this morning and took my clothes to the laundromat.  I was so happy to have money to wash my clothes.  I was running out of stuff to wear.  I needed a clean shirt to wear the other day so I got one out of our clothing room.  Fortunately, it was a new shirt with the tag still on it. 

Mel always ask me if I need anything.  In the two minute conversation we had, he asked me I needed anything.  I wanted to tell him that I needed a warm place to sleep tonight or a place to go take a nap, but I didn't. 

How do you screw up Easy Mac?

I bought 4 Easy Mac cups at Walmart for $3.  I thought I followed the instructions, but apparently I put to much water it it.  They need to color the 'Fill' line so I can see it. 

So I ate watery Easy Mac with grilled chicken.   

Such an ordeal

Mel came to rescue me at around 3pm.  When he saw me, he wanted a hug.  I gave him a half hug and he told me it was good to see me.  I kept telling him over and over again that I appreciated him helping me out.  Especially since I haven't called him in over a year.  It took him about 20 min to jump my battery.  For some reason I had forgotten about my tire, but while we were waiting for my battery to charged I walked around my car and remembered.  So, he told me that he would go to get his electric air pump to inflate my tire.  Well, it wasn't that simply.  After my battery was charged, we decided to go to get his air pump from his truck which was parked on the other side of town.  He took me to the bank to get money for my new battery and we stopped at Popeyes to get something to eat--he is in love with fried chicken.  After Popeyes we headed to his truck it was parked at his girlfriends house.  Yes, his girlfriend.  He was driving her car.  I felt a little uneasy.  I was happy that he was seeing somebody, but I didn't know if she knew that he was picking me up in her car.  After a little conversation about her, he mentioned that he asked her if he could pick me up in her car because he was taking her car to the mechanic to get it check out.  She told him it was okay.  I was a little relieved.  Then he told me that he talks about me all the time to her.  He tells her that I'm his best friend.  That made me a little uneasy.  He then told me that he talks about another girl to her all the time too.  I felt a little better.  He said that since he's talked about me so much, she felt comfortable with him coming to pick me up.

On the way to pick up his truck, parked at her house, he told me that he met her in 2005.  He had never talked to me about her.  He had talked to me about all the other women he dated, but not her.  He said that he was interested in her, but she wasn't quite ready to date him.  He told me that only recently had he and she become more serious.  I asked him if he thought she was the one and he said that he wants her to be the one. I told him I was glad that he found someone.  He talked about her so much that I could see how she fits hims. I'm truly happy for him.  When we got to her house, I got out the car to put my things in his truck and I noticed someone peaking out the window.  Uh, oh.  I didn't want to cause any trouble.  Then someone came out the house.  I spoke.  I didn't know if it was her or not.  When Mel noticed, he asked if his girl had made it back yet.  The woman said no and she went back into the house and I noticed there were other people peaking out.  Uh, oh.  I didn't want people calling his girl telling them that her man was bringing another woman to her house in her car.  I wanted to tell Mel to call her and let her know that I was there.  I didn't want any trouble.

He went up to the house and gave the women the keys to her car.  I can imagine him telling her who I was so that there would be no trouble.  When we got in the car.  He called his girl to tell her that he dropped her car off and blah, blah, blah.  I told him to tell her thanks for letting him come get me.  He told and she said I was welcome.  I wanted to talk to her just to say 'Hi', but I didn't want to move to fast.  Now that I think about it, I really wish I could have talked to her myself to thank her.  When we left her house, we went to Auto Zone to see if they had my type of battery.  Nope.  We had to go to Farm and Fleet which was way south of the city.  It was about 5pm by the time we got from Farm and Fleet back to the hotel.  Now was the real trouble.

It takes a lot to remove a battery.  It was mounted so well.  There were so many screws and bolts, then there was one bolt that was stripped and we needed a different set of pliers or some type of tool with a grip to unscrew it.  Mel thought he had gotten all of his tools, but he hadn't.  So we were on the lot freezing our toes off trying to unscrew the last bolt.  Finally a person drove up to ask us if we needed help.  We told him what we needed and he mentioned to go to the hotel and ask the maintenance guys.  That was a smart idea.  Why didn't we think about that?  This was after we went to the gas station up the street to borrow wire pliers that didn't work.  On my way to the hotel to ask, Mel called me back.  He had started talking to another person on the parking and they had what he needed.  By this time it was about 6pm and our fingers and toes were really cold.  We got the bolt off and thanked the nice people who came to our rescue.  After he got the battery off, we needed to get it back on and bolted down.  That didn't take as much time.  When I started my car, it turned over and then went off.  Damn, you manufacturing defect.  I had to wait 10 minutes to start my car because of this stupid defect.  While I waited, Mel continued to bolt the battery down in place and I started jacking my car to get the tire off.  The tire was bolted on tightly also.  Of course it's supposed to be, but man, for someone trying to get it off, it was a task.  I had to stand on the lug wrench to get it to turn.  All 180 lbs of me had to bounce on it to get the lug nuts off.  Mel held me up as I bounced up and down on the lug wrench.  Had he been a man that I was into, I would have really enjoyed his hand on my waist holding me up.  At one point he even put his hand inside my coat to really hold my waist and not just the outside of my coat.  Uuuuummmm.  I didn't know what to think about that.  Again, had he been a guy that I was in to, I would have enjoyed it.  I can't remember that last time, I had a man's hands on my waist.  Well, actually I can, it was around March, or was that April.  Enough about reminiscing...

We got the tire off and the donut on, we got the battery mounted and now was the time to say our goodbyes.  He wanted another hug.  Hhhmmmmm.  Of course I was glad and grateful to see him, but do we really need to hug?

I told  him that I was gonna have to buy him a really good Christmas gift.  I told him I was also gonna have to get his coat cleaned because he was all on the ground replacing my tire.  It was finally after 7pm when the entire ordeal was over.  I went back to the gas station, got Mel $20 in gas that he didn't ask for, gave the clerk back her wire pliers, and I was off back to Farm and Fleet to get my $7.56 for giving them my old battery to recycle.  I then went to Walmart to get some personal items that I desperately needed along with some minutes to refill my Trac Fone and some pears.  I love pears.  I also saw the instant Mac and Cheese that you only have to add water to.  I've been thinking about mac and cheese for a few weeks now.  Since I got the Mac and Cheese for $3 I decided I needed some chicken also and I got a whole baked chicken for $5.  Walmart's the best.  All of my items totaled $39.04.  I had enough money to pay $70 on my car loan, and put money in offering at church.  I wanted to be able to donate money for my Pastor's christmas dinner, but I'm not sure if I am able this year.  It's only $20.  Maybe I can muster some money from next week's pay.

I think I get paid next week.  I never found out.    

Admissions Counselor Job

I called my alma mater to confirm that my transcript had been ordered and sent.  They said that it had been.  I called the university to tell them that it should have been there.  The women I talked to said she would try to track it down.  I think I may go ahead and order a new one since I have some money.  Not that I want to, but I want the opportunity to interview for the job.

Just not that into him

Having Mel come get me made me realize that he's actually been on my mind lately.  At my church, there has been a ton of weddings.  Well, not a ton, but 6 this year alone.  I've been apart of 3 of them.  The weddings have been so beautiful and the brides have been so pretty.  I couldn't help imagining my day.  Well, actually, I've been imagining my day for the past two years and it only intensified when "Criminal Guy", the guy that I hooked up with at the beginning of this year, told me he was gonna marry me.

In 2008, I had a really good friend who got engaged.  We had been through ups and downs with relationships and one day I told her that I didn't want to have to "end up with" Mel.  I was saying it because my heart was with someone else and Mel had some issues that I didn't know if I wanted to deal with.

So, lately, I've been thinking about him and his issues and why I wouldn't date him.  I know, I know, I have a lot of issues to and there is no guarantee that he'd want to deal with mine once I told him.  Anyway, what are his issues:

1.  I don't like the way he dresses.  He wears these 2 piece pants suits all the time, the kind where the shirt matches, the pants, and he always has shoes to match.  He does look nice in them, but does he have to wear them ALL THE TIME?  He has this lime green one that I think is over the top. Yes, he looks good in it because his skin is really dark, but it is lime green.

2.  He's to frivolous with his money.  I used to spend money like water, but that was because I had money to spend.  He doesn't have the money and he spends it anyway.  Then he borrows and spends more.  Now, I'm not good at managing my bills, and he's not good either.  How in the world would we be good together.  It won't work.

3.  He flirts too much.  Well, actually it's not flirting, but he has a lot of lady friends and he's just way to friendly with the women.  I don't want a man where all these women has his phone number.  Some of these women simply use him for his money because he's so woman hungry.  It's good to be nice, but to be "had" is a different thing.  He actually got into trouble at work and was demoted because one of the women said that he was sexually harassing her.  He may have or may not have been, but his persona is very friendly with the ladies and I can see how a woman can misconstrue his actions.  When he was talking to me on the phone that night and he said what he said, it could have classified as sexual harassment.  When he sent me the text, that could have classified as sexual harassment.  He needs to not be so friendly.

4.  He eats horribly.  I used to be a health nut.  I didn't buy very much processed food.  I love fresh fruits and veggies.  I love whole grains and foods rich in fiber.  Yes, I've gained 30lbs over the last 5 years, but I'm working on it and it all hasn't come from bad eating.  I gained 5 lbs by eating beans and everyone knows that beans are good for your heart...the more you eat them...the more you... :-)  He, on the other hand, eats fried chicken every day.  He loves all things fried.  Yes, I like fried foods too, but um, not everyday.  Not even every week.  I love grilled chicken.  I love grilled foods.  He's a diabetic and doesn't manage what he eats.

5.  We go to different churches.Different churches have different beliefs and I love movies, I love having fun, I'm not going to throw away all my pants, I'm not gonna stop wearing my makeup.  All those things don't make me have a better relationship with God.  God looks at the heart of a person.  Scripture says that man looks on outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.  And those are all things his church believes--women can only wear skirts, they can't wear make-up, you can't go to the movies, and I'm not sure what other restrictions there are, but there are more.  Of course there are restrictions when you are saved, but some of those are not made by God, those are man made restrictions.

6.  He allows people to take advantage of him.  I NEED a strong man that is not gonna put up nobodies mess, not even mine.  I NEED a man that is gonna wear the pants and is gonna lead and be the head and is not gonna be duped by people.  There are so many people that take advantage of him--even his parents.  He tells me all the time how his parents help his brother out all the time, but when he ask for help, he has to pay them and he has to have all these conditions to be helped.  At one time he needed a place to stay because his house was being sold.  I told him he could come to live with me as long as he needed for free.  His parents told him that he couldn't live with me because we would be "shacking" and that was not the case because I had a two bedroom apartment.  He was gonna have his room and I had my room.  We were not together and we were not going to be together.  So there was no shaking going on.  However, when they told him he could stay with them, they charged him, but when his brother lived with them because he needed a place to live, they didn't charge him anything and his brother had a full time job.  His brother had a child out of wedlock and they were saying that he was the one sleeping around.  He would tell me all this stuff and I'd wonder why in the world would he put up with it, but he would.  I guess when you feel you need somebody, you put up with mess.  I don't need a man like that.  I need a man that's gonna say when right is right and wrong is wrong no matter who may not like it.

So, these are not small issues.  He's a wonderful guy and I'm sure somebody can make a list based on me, but I don't think we'd get along as a couple.

Stranded Update

Well, my friend's sister never called me back, but Mel did.  I had to break down and call him.

Back Story:

Mel and I met in 2004 or was it 2005.  I can't remember, but we became friends and started hanging out.  I was never interested in him other than to be friends.  The most fun we'd have would be going to the movies.  I'd go to Walmart, get an 8 piece fried chicken and potatoe chips and soda and we'd sit in the back of the theatre and have a good time.  This was our favorite thing to do.  Then he started coming over to watch my favorite reality show at the time Beauty and the Geek.  I'd record the show on Tuesdays and he would come over and watch it with me on Thursday.  It was "our thing", he would date other girls and tell me about them and I'd laugh and we just had a good friendship.  He'd borrow money from me, I'd borrow money from him.  It was a good friendship.  When he met a girl that he really like, I back up a little so that he could spend time with her.  I wasn't worried about anything because I was never interested in him that way.  His girlfriend, however, didn't like us being friends, another reason, I stopped hanging out with him so much.

When he and his girlfriend broke up--he wanted to marry her--I was there to help him through it.  I let him talk and cry and get mad and then recover.  I encouraged him and let him know that it would get better.  He bounced back.  I was happy.  Then one day things started changing.  He told me that his church didn't allow him to to go the movies.  WOW!!  I didn't ask questions.  I just left it alone because I know how some churches can be legalistic when it comes to certain things and I'm not going to argue with what may be keeping a person from trouble.  So, I figured that since he was allowed to go to the movies, watching TV would not be something that was on the top of his list either and since that is what we mostly did, we kind of didn't have anything to do.  Other things started changing also.  One night we were talking on the phone and he started making sexual comments.  I was a little put off by it.  At this time, I wasn't saved, but I knew he was and I didn't want to encourage him to sin, so I started backing away.  Then one night, I was hanging with this guy I was seeing at the time and it was well after midnight and I received a text that said something to the effect, "Anything you need me to do, I can do it for you.  Just let me know. I want to please you."   WHAT??  I looked at it and looked at it.  Was he coming on to me?  I ignored it, but saved it because I wanted to make sure I read it correctly.   Sure enough when I got up the next morning, I read it again and it said what it said.  I ignored it and started backing up more and more.  At one point he told me that he was interested in me.  I simply told him that I was wanting to get back with my ex, which was true at that time.  The final straw was when I went to his house--he asked me to help him pack and move.  Well, actually I needed to borrow about $50 and he said that he would let me have it if I came to help him pack to move.  Well, I helped him and as I was packing up his things, I looked at his computer and the background was my picture.  I was spooked.

Why would he have a picture of me as his background.  This was not a picture that I gave him, this was a picture he saved off my myspace page.  WHAT????  Then I saw nude pictures of women.  At that point, I knew that I needed to back away from him.  I didn't want him to be thinking about me in any way sexually, so I figured the best way for him to stay saved was for me to back away from the relationship.  When I changed my number last year, I didn't send him my new number.

Fast forward to today...

So, why did I call him?  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I saw him driving.  After he passed, I realized it was him and I waved.  Then a week later, I was working a temp job a a major corporation here and he was there working.  Which I knew was where he worked, but I had never seen him there until that day.  We spoke.  He gave me his number and we chatted briefly.  I told him I'd give him a call.

So this morning, while going through the list of individuals I knew who could come to get me, I thought of him first because everyone else I knew, was working.  So, he just returned my call from this morning.

He is such a nice guy.  I'm just not into him and I want him.  In a way, I'm glad he's coming because with any of my other friends, I'd probably have to explain why I was here.  With him, I can just tell him I was meeting someone here.