Con Artist: I'm Tired of Trying to Buy Love

Characteristics of Self-Hate:

Self-sacrificing

Putting yourself last

Over giving

Doing more that you are paid for

Under charging

Giving and throwing yourself under the bus

These are all things that Dr Venus Opal is saying in her series, "Hot Mess Millionaire."

I'm built for more!!! is what she says and I felt that!!!

I met the Con three years ago on POF. He was attractive and there was something about him....On his page he talked about where he worked and how he was debt free....I was intrigued, but I was also (don't know the word)....So we didn't move forward. 

Then in September I was on POF for a hot minute and we chatted. I'm not sure if he remembered me, but we exchanged numbers and friended each other on FB and started chatting. Things really got to rolling when we FaceTimed dated in October and then I sent him a full body pic of myself. About 10 days later I was in his house, in his bed....

It wasn't good. It was ok, not good. So we moved on. He left to work out of town and about 10 days later I got a FaceTime from him. He said he was stranded in Indiana and didn't have money to get home. He wanted to know if I could wire him some money. I sent him $250. He said he was gonna give me half my money back when he got back to town and the other half when he got paid. He got back to town, I didn't hear from him. Three days later I called him and he was down and out about not having money to travel back to Indiana for work. I loaned him $175. He was supposed to go to work at 3am, but the next day he was still in town. I was confused, but I didn't say anything. Four days later I texted him and he said he was depressed. He was supposed to get paid and give me back my money, but according to him he hadn't gotten his check yet. I told him to come over. He said he didn't have gas money and money to get groceries. Me in my self-hatred (trying to buy love) I offered him gas money so I gave him money for gas ($35) and $160 for food and he agreed to pay me back when he got his checks. 

That was almost a month ago. So far I've only seen $200 of the $620 that he owes me and he didn't want to pay me the $200. So now here I am looking stupid. 

He gets mad at me when I don't want to have sex with him. He gets mad at me when I say he's acting like a shyster. 

But I'm done. Yes, I NEED my $420, but I don't care if he gives it back to me. I just want to be emotionally free, spiritually free, mentally free. I want to quit getting with con men. 

Dr Venus and Apostle William Rogers, Jr says, "The real measure of success is how many times you get back up!!"

So I'm getting back up and walking away from this foolishness. 

Four Dreams

 1. I was holding my niece who is currently 22 months old. She started repeating the words that I was saying--bus, red, etc. Right now my niece is not saying words. She's saying sounds, but no actual words. Usually, by this age toddlers will be saying a lot of words. At her 18 month check up, the doctor wanted to get her speech therapy. But my sister was reluctant. She called my mom and my mom kinda steered her away from it, saying that my niece would talk when she wants to talk. I think my sister should have gotten her the appointments. My niece shows signs of being on the spectrum. True these signs can be benign and any toddler could exhibit them, but the signs along with the speech delay may tell us something. But I had the dream and in the past sometimes my dreams have meant something and sometimes they have meant nothing--they were just dreams. 

2. I can't remember fully what I was doing, but my aunt who is obese and on dialysis was climbing a ladder or stairs and as she was going up, somehow she slipped and fell flat on her back with her eyes wide open. I was horrified. Blood started coming from her midsection.  I woke up. I love my aunt, she is the matriarch of the family now. But she's sick. I want her to live a long life because she's sort of a rock for me. I pray that God grant her grace for longevity.

3. The third dream I can't remember where I was--my house I think and Apostle was praying in the house. Then he came up to me really close and touch the left side of my belly and said something like, "I had that same pain, it was my appendix."  Then I woke up. Before going to bed I had a dull pain on the left side fo my belly. Of course I googled after I woke up and found that the appendix is on right side. So, again, was this God trying to warn me about something? IDK. It was weird. I need to get back on my diet. I've gained 8lbs and it's not comfortable. 

4. Last night I had a dream that I was in the location--kinda like a mall and I was walking by and you know how you see someone, but don't necessarily want to speak to them. My Apostle saw me and was going to walk by, but I yelled to speak to him and Prophetess. I started to walk towards the, but remembered COVID and did an air hug. They air hugged me back. Then I woke up.

I don't know what all this means. I do know that I need to get my life right. Things started getting bad right after we had communion at church on September 19. I was so excited about it--honoring the Lord and what He's done for me, for the body of Christ. It was like satan just unleashed on my after that. I met Boiler Guy and things have gone to crap for me...Not totally, but my heart has been divided and I can't seem to get it together.....

Giving Group

 I have joined the Team No One Left Behind giving group. It's a wonderful opportunity, but it's a job. 

I'm so tired right now I don't have the energy to talk about it, but it's a good group. I'm substitute teaching and working my full time job. OMG, Jesus help me!!

To be continued....

Do You Really

In my twilight (almost awake, but still sleep) this morning I was thinking about the curriculum that I was putting together and I need a name. I'm thinking of calling it, "Do You Really Want To Change Your Life?"

Who doesn't?

Who doesn't want to get better.

One of my pastors has been talking about the spirit of Cain and how he was plagued by the spirit of jealousy. Whew chile.....I have some jealous feelings that I need God to deal with!! And I thank Him for deliverance!!

So in order to change your life, the first thing you must do is CHANGE YOUR MIND!!

Change your mind about whatever it is that you are dealing with. That's not easy to do, it takes practice and discipline, but it can happen!! Some times little by little and sometimes overnight, the change happens. Most of the time you can't pinpoint when it happens, but it happens....

Get Back Up Again

I THANK GOD for His grace and mercy.

I slipped and fell Friday night. I let my mind just go where it wanted to go and it lead my body down the wrong path and I sinned. But I used what I have learned and asked for forgiveness and went on to bed. I felt convicted and asked for forgiveness and I tried not to beat myself up to much and I went on about my business. Saturday ended up being a really good day. A woman asked me to pray for her. I felt a twing of guilt, but I trusted God and prayed. I also realized what lead up to me falling.

Golf guy....

Yeah, I can't blame my sin on someone else, but the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:33 TLB, "Don't be fooled....If you listen to them you will start acting like them." All golf guy wants to talk about is sex and how to "conquer" women. His goal, in the name of not being lonely, is to have sex with women. He got upset with me when I told him he didn't want to commit. Actually, what I told him wasn't the whole truth. It's not that he doesn't want to commit, its that he's insecure about his position financially and anatomically (small penis syndrome). 

So anyway....

He's sending me these text about all these women he wants to sleep with and one of his other friends that has found a new man and she's sleeping with him and she also been in a long term relationship with a married man...OMG. Every time I get a text from him I roll my eyes because not only does he want to engage in these crazy behaviors, he tries to encourage me to engage with Mr Ohio and the liar. 

I'm so over it!!

I can't do this relationship anymore. In the past he served his purpose and I thank God for bringing him into my life because I've learned so much about men from listening to him and asking questions, but I've progressed and he doesn't get it!!  

So I have to stop "listening to him" because I'm starting to engage in that behavior and I've fought too hard to get away from all of that!!!

Even Though I FEEL This Type of Way Don't Mean I AM This Type of Way

My identity is NOT my feelings. So even though I FEEL a certain way I have to separate that from who I AM. This is important because for a long time I had feelings that were contrary to the word of God....

I struggled and struggled and struggled with my sexuality. I loved sex. I was abused as a child and it caused me to be hypersexual and promiscuous and the devil used that as condemnation. I felt so bad about myself because I didn't know how to deal with my body. I didn't know how to deal with sin in my body. I didn't know what to do with the feelings that I had. So I just lived in shame and condemnation. It plagued me and I tried and tried and tried to be good, but I couldn't. It was only recently when I listened to Joyce Meyer explain grace. She said, if there is no sin, there is no guilt. I can't be sentenced (punished) for something that is no there. 

Yes, we all sin, but we ask God for forgiveness and we work on repenting and not doing it again. Then God throws whatever we did away and he forgets it. There is no sin as God is concerned, so there is no guilt and shame for that. That doesn't give us the license to do things on purpose and deliberately do things just so that God can forgive us, but it helps us to understand God's love for us and how much He wants to help us live this life. 

Well, the only saints used to say, "I'm waiting on my change to come," and God has done it again. He has brought me out more because now I've learned that when I have sinful feelings and sinful lust and sinful thoughts, I DON'T have to to bow to that because that's not who I am. I am the righteousness of God. I am redeemed by the blood of the lamb. Just because I'm tempted, just because a thought comes to my mind, that doesn't define me. Those temptations aren't my name. Redeemed is my name. So that's why God has given me and I can fully use the power to CAST DOWN imaginations--thoughts temptations and thoughts that are coming to my mind. I can cast the devil out because that's now who I am

Thank you Jesus!!!

Idolatry of Marriage

I was listening to Jackie Hill Perry talk to KevOnStage and she made the comment about, "the idolatry of marriage," and it stuck out to me because I am a single woman and I desire to be married. Marriage has been on my mind for quite some time (years) and despite the fact that I wasn't that "I wanna go to college to find a husband," type girl, it does preoccupy my mind a lot. 

Right before getting out of bed this morning I started to fantasize about meeting a guy and not wanting to indulge in a relationship with him. This was a guy of my dreams, "saved, love Jesus, priorities in order, etc", but because I was whole within myself (not wanting or needing anything) I wasn't too concerned about him. Of course this was as short lived fantasy because I needed to get out of bed, but it's like I want to be in that position where I don't NEED marriage. The divorce rate is pretty high and sometimes even higher in the church so that lets me know two things--either you married the wrong person for the wrong reason or you married the right person, but because the devil hates commitment, hates the sanctity of love and marriage, you allowed him to enter in and overtake what God has put together. I don't want to be in either of those camps. I don't want to get married because I want to have sex, I don't want to get married because I need a second income or because I'm lonely. I want to get married because it's what God wants for me and I can be an asset to someone. Marriage is already a responsibility and when there is an imbalance in the relationship, there is an added burden that one has to bear and life is already a challenge, why add more to that? 

We Don't Think in Words

This morning before waking I was dream/fantasizing about sex with Mister. I wasn't quite sleep, but I wasn't quite awake either....

Whenever this happens I wake up feeling, not guilty, not quite bad, but some kind of way because I don't want to have sinful imaginations, but I'm sleeping and am not always in control....but I don't want to deal with these spirits. OMG!!

So as my Pastor was teaching this morning she said, "We don't think in words, we think in pictures." She referenced the scripture, "We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God, We capture, like prisoners of war, every through and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One." 2 Corinthians 10:5 TPT.

She was telling us that we have the authority to cast down what the enemy brings to us. We have to take authority over all of those images, fantasies, that are against God. 

She was telling us that we have to dismantle everything that the enemy is trying to use against us, "Break down their alters, smash their sacred stones and burn their Asherah poles in the fire; cut down the idols of their gods and wipe out their names from those places." Deuteronomy 12:3.

The she encourages us to remind of that Jesus already defeated the enemy and He gave us that power too, "And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:15 

So I thank God for the word of God and for His power and freedom!!

Chest Pain & MS

I do not like scary dreams.....

On Monday night I was awakened at around 4am because I had a scary dream about my uncle. I was downstairs of his house and my aunt was in the bedroom right off the stairs. I was watching him walk down the stairs and telling him to be careful when all of a sudden he tumbled down. Not slide down on his butt, but head over feet almost like a cartwell type of tumble. He land in a seated position at the bottom of the stairs. I rushed over to him and he seemed to be okay, a little stunned, when all of a sudden he gripped his chest and I woke up in a panic. My anxiety level was so high. I tried to calm myself and go back to sleep, but this spirit of fear was tormenting me so I googled Tony Evans sermon Juanita Bynum sermon on fear. Juanita Bynum really helped me. She said that we have to counteract the spirit of the devil with the spirit of the Lord. I have to go back and rewatch it because I was really digging what she was saying.  

I was so tired on Tuesday and I went to sleep a little earlier and last night I had a dream that my sister had MS-multiple sclerosis. She's waiting on results from a biopsy from two masses in her breast. I really think they are benign. We haven't had breast cancer in our family. 

But, both of those dreams are very troubling. When I talked to my uncle on the phone on Tuesday he told me that had to go to the ER on Sunday because he was having chest pains.  

God, what are you saying? This is so stressful. 

I really believe the dreams are my anxiety and the spirit of fear tormenting me.  

Estrogen Dominance

I'm just wondering.....I have high estrogen/estrogen dominance. In the past my dr gave me compounded progesterone to help lower it, but it's expensive and the pharmacy that I get it from close a few years ago. So I haven't been able to use it. So my estrogen became high again. Could excess estrogen be the reason for my blood clots? I had a pulmonary embolism 20 days postpartum. This was in 2004. I was treated with warfarin for 7 months. I had a DVT last year and my estrogen levels really high. I was tested for Lupus Anticoagulant and it came back positive, but I was taking Xarelto during the test which means that I could have had a false positive....I'm just thinking out loud and wondering.... 

Don't Take Me To The Little Room

I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room right now at BJC. My uncle had to have surgery--the gastric sleeve. He's been battling his weight all of his life. The only time he has been able to lose weight was when he went to military school.  So after years succumbing to an eating disorder and then adding alcoholism onto to that, he's not in good shape health wise. His weight ballooned to about 600lbs. A few years ago he wanted to have the gastric bypass surgery and they told him that he needed to lose 100lbs. Well, he didn't lose it. I don't know what was going on in his life at that time, but his drinking increased and instead of losing the weight, he gained even more. In 2019 he called to ask me if he could come live with me. At that time I was a little hesitant because I was still in remodel mode and the only sleeping area in my house was the family room which I was sleeping in. So there was going to have to be some changes to my living arrangements. I wasn't too keen on him coming, but he's family and he was in need and when I've been in need I've had people help me and I wanted to see my uncle healthy so I was gonna make the changes. But, things didn't go as planned. He ended up falling and the fire department had to be called to get him up. It was so humiliating. Then he became homebound. He wasn't able to walk like he used to. He needed homecare to help him.

In December he asked me if I could transport him to his doctors appointment and the dr told him that if he lost 100lbs in 3 months he'd do the surgery. This was December 2019 and my uncle was 586lbs. In January he was about 602. He was gonna come live with me February 1 so that he could get a handle on his eating habits, but then his sister got sick. But despite that something clicked and he lost about 80lbs by March 13. The doctor scheduled the surgery for April 23.

Then.....

Covid-19

The pandemic put a stop to life as we know it.

This dampened his spirit. This and the fact that his sister was put on hospice and on March 26 she lost her battle with heart disease. He was slipping back into his old ways and I was doing what I could to encourage him. I understand the struggle. I don't have an eating disorder, but I fighting off strongholds in my sexual character. The struggle is real!! But God is BIGGER than the struggle. And I've been trying to convey that to him. The word of God has been freeing me from the torments of hell and it can free anyone, but it takes consistent work. Jesus died for our sins and if we confess and believe in Him we are saved and have our place in eternity with him, but living the kingdom life here on earth is a whole different thing. Salvation is one thing. Sanctification is a whole other ball game. Salvation is free. Sanctification requires sacrifice. The flesh must be crucified and the crazy thing is that we live in our flesh. So we have to discipline it daily and sometimes minute by minute, until God gives us the strength to no have the ungodly desires.

Anyway, I've been trying to help him understand this and sometimes I think that he thinks he has to have the power to do it himself. But we can't live this life in our own strength. God is a jealous God. We have to depend on Him, but we want to be independent and our pride gets involved and we want to work really really hard to do it ourselves. 

So April 23 came and went and he was getting discouraged. The day after his sister's burial, April 9, he got some blood work results back and his potassium was high. He was nervous and called me. We talked and he felt better. They did the test again and it was better. But then he started retaining fluid. This concerned him and then he ended up in the hospital. 

Kidney disease....stage 3.

Heartbreaking.....

We didn't know what that meant for his surgery, where the kidney disease came from? He was scared. They mentioned cancer and some other causes. We both were concerned.

He got out of the hospital and had to have more test run to determine the cause and as we waited his doctor schedule his surgery for June 4. So I'm here today because he had his surgery.

I wasn't able to sleep all last night. I think I might have fallen asleep after 1am and had to be up at 5:30am to get on the highway to come to the hospital. I beat the ambulance to the hospital and they wheeled him back to surgery around 9:45am. He told me that his surgery would be about 2.5 hours long. But before surgery he had to have his blood taken again to test his potassium because it had been too high. They gave me a pager that tells me updates and I can watch the screen to get updates also. I saw on the screen that he was in pre op so I thought everything we going smoothly. Then it said, surgery in progress. So I started the countdown. He should be out by noon, 1pm at the latest. One oclock came and went. Then I got a message on the pager that said surgery started. WHAT? I went to the front desk and they explained to me that "surgery in progress" means that he's been transported to the operating room. But sometimes it takes about an hour before they start the surgery. The "surgery has started" message was to tell me when they started the first cut. Ok. so now I'm looking at 3-4pm as the end time. 

Around 3:15pm the message on the screen said, "close." Then the front desk sent me a message to come talk to them. The staff person said he was taking me to "consult." 

I got nervous....

I had just seen a doctor in the lobby come out to talk to a woman about her husband's progress. He was having some type of surgery done to his privates. The dr mentioned his scrotum. So when the person took me back to the little room, my anxiety skyrocketed. I couldn't breathe. I had to take my mask off because my heart was racing. I was pacing in the little room and when the doctor came in I told him I didn't like the little room. He eased my mind by telling me that they are almost done. The reason they took me to the little room was because there were some minor complications. 

They had a hard time getting the breathing tube in, but once it was in the sleeve part went fine. The dr said his liver was huge, but he had no problem moving it out of the way to get to the stomach. Midway through the sleeve process the breathing tube was coming out so they had to stop. When I talked to my aunt who was a respiratory therapist she said she's never heard of that problem before. She said that maybe they didn't put it in right and that may have been because of his weight. But he made it through and now he's in recovery.

I'll be getting back on the highway soon because I can't see him due to COVID-19. I hope he's able to talk tomorrow because I want to talk to him....

I Feel Good Today

Despite the turmoil that we are in today, I feel good! I mean I kinda want to get back in the bed and close my eyes, but I'm not tired like I had been feeling. But, I gained 2lbs. WHAT????

I've been staying at home since March 20 and I haven't gained anything, but the minute I stop taking my meds I gain weight. I only stopped because I ran out and I don't want to spend the money to see the doctor for a refill. I'm not sure if I need a dr visit to get a refill, but I needed to do something, so I took my old medicine two days ago and I felt like crap. Last night I took it before going to bed.

Background...last year was rough, I gained 25lbs and the scale kept creeping up. In addition to my emotional roller coaster I was feeling like crap. Some days I could hardly get out of bed. I found an online nurse who specializes in thyroid and she encouraged me to have more test run and I found out that in addition to my thyroid and cortisol being low, my iron levels were extremely low. My doctor told me to eat more red meat. My ferritin levels were 16. The range was 15-252. HUH??? And all my dr had to say was eat more read meat. WOW. So I contacted another dr because I needed help. Stat!! I contacted Dr Christianson's office. The dr I met with ordered a round of iron infusions. I wanted to have them done before the year was out, but the pharmacy had to put the concoction together, so my first found was in January. I can't say that I felt 100% better, but with the new meds-Nature Throid and the iron I did feel better. My thyroid levels still weren't optimal so my dr upped the dosage and ordered a 90 day supply. I just ran out in mid-May so I went back to my old meds.  Bad move because I felt like crap. The problem, I think is with my cortisol levels. They are so low. My cortisol levels in the morning are 8 and the range is 13-24. My afternoon cortisol is 5 and the range is 5-10 so I'm still on the low end for the afternoon. In the evening my level is 7 with a range of 3-8 so that is on the high end and at night the level is 4 with a range of 1-4. So when I take levo in the morning with such low cortisol levels I feel like crap. I need to get it together so that I can feel better. But I read somewhere that someone was taking their thyroid hormones at night so I decided to try it. I'm supposed to start back working June 19 and for a while after I stopped taking my meds I didn't have the energy to do much. I was supposed to put a shed in the back yard, plant a garden, build a doorway for the bedroom that had to be taken down to put up the bathroom door...whew... I'm so far behind in my household duties.....    

But I Want To Talk To Someone

I miss talking to Golf guy. I mean he was my buddy until he told me he wasn't. 

Background....

When Golfer and I first started talking we always had to debate about men and women being friends. He was adamant that it was impossible. His rational was that someone would always want something different from the other. I was always bucking that thinking because men and women have to look past what's between legs. I mean I am more than just my vagina and I have more to offer than just my vagina. I'm a good friend and I can be a good friend to a man. I thought maybe over the past two years we got past that, but the last time I talked to him he reminded me that we are only friends because we don't live in the same city--he lives west of Chicago. So I just began to back away. I already have enough insecurities, I don't need someone who plays into to those insecurities. 

But one thing I loved is that we could talk. Not necessarily talk about everything, but talk. One of the last conversations we were having was him asking me what I thought about him and relationships. I didn't want to offend him by telling him that his insecurities keep him from committing to a relationship so I just told him that he didn't want to commit. Which is true. He has a commitment problem but its caused by his insecurities. So he was defensive about this and he told me that I didn't know him at all. I know him, I just didn't want to offend him and in not wanting to offend him I offended him. WOW!

But I miss the relationship....the relating. And that's what I want. Someone to talk to. But I want to talk to someone who is a believer because there is a comradery an encouragement....If Perry wants to be friends so we could talk, I'd talk to him. I'm in that state where the Golfer is right now. My insecurities are causing me not to want to be in a relationship right now. And I need God to deliver me from these insecurities, in Jesus name!

  

  

How Do You Know?

Last night was a bit rough.....

I've been trying to steer clear of the news....first corona, now racism is blowing up my timeline and it's so disturbing. Not the mention the rash of violence that has been going on in my city. Absolutely heartbreaking and atrocious. I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night asking God to help us. I know He sees and I know He knows, but ......

In the midst of all of this, it's hard to just go about your daily life. I mean, people are hurting. But life still goes on and its like us black people are under a cloud. As a believer I operate under kingdom rule--in the spirit there is neither male nor female, jew nor gentile (Galatians 3:26-28), but the world will still put limitations on me because of my skin color, my gender, etc. And my job is not to fight the world, but fight the good fight of faith. I couldn't help to see all the rioting going on and I know that sometimes believers we will put a scripture to try to justify something, but the only thing I could think of was Jesus overturning the tables in the temple (Matthew 21:12-13). Jesus had a holy anger. I had to try to keep myself (guard my heart) from being angry and looking at the rioting and looting as justifiable. Yes, there are times when we will have a holy anger to deal with something, but we don't want to go to the extreme and not forgive. We also don't want to live in fear of police or those in authority. God help us, please!!

Anyway, in the midst of all this....

I was gonna text a good friend of mine about Perry. Since talking to Dr Banks my interest if peaked, but I'm in a conundrum. I mean, yes, I want to date, I want to get to know someone and get married, but I'm in a funk about it. I don't feel comfortable in me. I've gained 27lbs and it's uncomfortable. I'm dealing with mild health conditions that if they aren't corrected will turn into major health conditions. I'm conscious of my mental health and strongholds in my life. I'm still working on discipline. So is this the time for me to be involved? I'm kind of grateful for the weight gain because it's keeping me away from men, but God, what do you want? I've been dealing with insecurity that's tied to the stronghold of fear in my life. So I dont' want to go to the extreme and allow my pride to rule me.... 

So for the time being I opted not to text her and I went to bed. As I was settling down, my old ways started creeping in. Fantasizing about what could be. I mean the fantasies started aggressively. I kept casting down those imaginations and then it hit me. This is the enemies way of trying to lure me back. I've been walking out of the spirit of perversity and God has been delivering me, but now a man is interested in me and my mind is trying to take me back there. The Bible tells us that we aren't igonorant of Satan's devices and this is a tactic that he is using to try to get me back entangled and I REFUSE. I mean I fought and fought and fought so hard to be free in my mind. I REFUSE to go back. So I'm gonna just leave the Perry Hill situation alone!! 

As I was going to sleep I was awakened by a little noise. I thought maybe there was a mouse so I started to fear. I began to pray and I went back to sleep, Then another noise. Dangit...please don't let there be a mouse. Then more noise, prayer, falling asleep. Then my body shook really hard. I don't know why. More prayer. Then the printer came on shining a bright light. WHY? Ok, Holy Spirit....the Blood of Jesus. I need to pray for someone. So I began to pray as I was falling back to sleep because something was going on. I don't know if this was the enemy tormenting me with the spirit of fear of if I really needed to pray for someone. I finally went to sleep and dreamed about something weird.

I really want to go visit Dr Banks on Wednesday when I go home, but my insecurity is getting the best of me. I'm going to start working on a diet plan to lose this weight.....

Thank God for Angels

God is So GOOD! I'm amazed at His love and His grace. I'm sitting here almost in tears because I just got off the phone with one of my mentors, Dr Freddie A Banks. I haven't seen him in a couple of years--since maybe 2012 when he was being honored by his city. 

Dr Banks was one of my advisors in college. He was passionate about helping minority students to become teachers. And in doing so he inspired so many of us. 

I'm not much of a social media person so every once in a while I will delete every thing and when I get back on I have to refriend people. I got a friend request about a week ago from a fellow college mate, Perry Hill IV. Of course when you accept you have to scroll through the timeline to catch up on a person's life. Not sure if he did that of me, but I looked at his timeline life. He reached out to me on last night to tell me that Dr Banks would love to hear from me. But his message wasn't just that. There was "something" there. I wasn't sure what and it was almost 10pm and I was in bed, and I didn't want to read into anything so I responded that I'd love to talk to Dr Banks....

THU 10:21 PM

Hello How are you? I spoke to Dr. Banks today and he mentioned you. He wondered how you were and reminisced about your surprise presence at an appreciation event months ago. Would you be willing to call him if I relay you his phone number? On another note, we will have chat soon.

Hey Perry. Yes I would love to talk to him. I miss you all.

The part at the end is what I didn't want to read into. So I just left it at that. I  called him a little while ago and while talking he told me that he mentioned to Perry that I was a fine young woman and that Perry should get to know me better. 

Whew....I don't even know why I'm getting emotional. I think it's because Perry and I were raised on two different sides of the track and my insecurity tells me that I'm not good enough for that caliber of man--the prim and proper man who has every I dotted and every T crossed. Perry reminds me a Mr Ohio, but only more Christian. Mr Ohio didn't go to church--he was a believer, but not a participator in the every day christian lifestyle. Perry is more of a kingdom minded participant. Dr. Banks let me know that he and Perry are members of the same church--Friendship Baptist Church in E St Louis. He also let me know that Perry is back at home in E St Louis. I mentioned that I visit home to take care of my uncle and he invited me to come visit. Now I'm really self conscious. I've gained weight-almost 30lbs and I'm not very confident in myself--well God is working on my insecurities so going to visit him is not something that I really want to do even though I really want to visit.  

I want to visit and I want to talk to Perry, but timing is everything and I'm so......right now. I mean, I'm so ready for the next chapter in my life, but AM I? I don't want to hang on to the past, but it seems like it's still hanging around and I'm still running away from it. 

As I was thinking of a maybe prospect I remembered Dr Banks and his marriage. I'm not sure when he got married, but it was later in life to a woman who had already had children-7 children I think. And Dr Banks is a prim and proper dude. Oh the possibilities.....  

I'm Not Guilty....

...the personality issues and relationship problems—were rooted in the fact that I didn’t like myself. And when you don’t like yourself, it’s very difficult to get along with anyone else...-Joyce Meyer

I've been on a journey during this time of staying at home and I thank God for this journey. It's been a journey of freedom. Freedom from fear, insecurity, self-pity, guilt and shame. The mind is a powerhouse and it controls everything. So renewing the mind is paramount to walking in the freedom that God has for me. Joyce Meyer has a 25-day study on the Battlefield of the Mind, so everyday I've been reading (and trying to meditate) on what I've been learning. One thing that resonated with me a while ago and she reminded me of today is, I'm Not Guilty! 

When Jesus died on the cross, He died to forgive me of my sins. So when I accept Christ I accept his sacrifice and I accept his forgiveness. Which means there is no more sin that I have to be convicted of. When a person robs a bank, they can be arrested and convicted of that crime. Then, that conviction has a sentence assigned to it. However, when Jesus forgives us, there is no conviction. There is no jury declaring me guilty. So I don't have to be ashamed of what I've done. The Bible teaches that when we are forgiven God removes our sin and doesn't remember it...as far as the east is from the west-Psalms 103:12. Since the sin is removed there is no crime. There is nothing that someone can say I'm guilty of. That was so hard for me to understand and I'm still "walking it out" in my everyday life because there is always something that the devil tries to bring to my memory that I should be ashamed of. But I thank God for his word and for His freedom!!

Because of this I'm learning to like and love myself!!  

Strongholds Pt 4

I'm still having strange dreams. The other night I had a dream that I was spooning with someone and they were behind me and I could feel their private parts on me. I could vaguely make out who it was. Strangely it seemed like it was my sister. What is going on?

I'm committed to making this change and, "go all the way with the Lord." I just have to be patient and consistent. I have to, "wait on my change to come," as the old saints used to say. But it does seem like I'm doing all this blindly. It's like, if I"m working out I can see the pounds decrease as I'm going, but I don't see any change. I just have to have faith that my life is changing and that God is working and fighting for me. I have to keep up my part!!

Thank you Jesus!!

Strongholds Pt3

As I'm walking through this deliverance journey the enemy is really manifesting some things. Sometimes deliverance is not immediate and we have to "walk out of" some things. It's almost like exercise. If I need to lose 40lbs (and I do) I have to consistently eat right and exercise. I can't do it for a week and be done. It doesn't work that way. So last night I had a strange dream.

Background....

In 2001 I dated Marvin. When we met he told me he was single and I wasn't interested in him immediately. It took about 6 months. We dated for 6 months before his wife called me. WTH?!

Yep, he lied to me. His wife had left him and moved to Florida, but now she was back.

So I broke up with him.

Last night as I was going to sleep, I felt the panic coming. I started listening to Joyce Meyer and it was helping. Then early in the morning I started to dream about Marvin. He was working in some  type of office. He was suit and this was SO different from the real Marvin I know. Marvin was always a blue collar. Not a suit, but here he was looking dapper and handsome in this suit. We somehow left his office and I guess we were at his place because I was in his bed with only my panties on. WHAT?? This was such a strange dream. There I was sitting in his bed, I guess watching tv or whatever and he was sitting next to me. Then I woke up.

Again, I know that this deliverance is going to be a journey but I cast down and renounce every past ungodly relationship and I cast into in to hell where it belongs. I don't want to hold on to anything ungodly.

So I pray that God show His hand of deliverance in my life, in Jesus name. Amen

Strongholds Pt 2

I went to bed on Monday night. Nothing was special about the day or evening, but I had decided to fast and pray because I don't want to be bound by strongholds. So I've been positive and hopeful. I went to bed and all night long a spirit of panic plagued me. I got up at 4am because this fear, panic, and anxiety just would leave me alone. I googled scriptures and found a youtube video from Prophet Ugo about Overcoming Strongholds. This man of God blessed me and it really resonated with me that the spirit of fear, the stronghold of fear is rooted in pride. Pride exalts everything else above the word of God. The Bible tells us to cast down every imagination that is exalted against the knowledge of God--2 Corinth 10:5. So when I allow fear into my heart and mind and I don't cast that down I'm putting that above God. He said a lot of other things that I need to go over again, but that one point really resonated with me. So I've been casting down the imaginations and the devil keeps coming at me, but I keep casting it down. So I thank God for His word that is delivering me.   

Strongholds

So during this time of Quarantine, Staying @ Home, Staycation from work and life, I want to be productive. Initially I was just thinking that this was gonna be a short time to recoup. Then I looked at the spanish flu pandemic in 1918. That lasted 2 years. Then I read the scripture about the end times and the beginning of suffering. So in my heart I realized that this pandemic would take a toll on us and that life would not be the same on the other side. With that thinking I wanted to not waste this time. I love God and I want to use this time to hold up my relationship with Christ. I was reading Judges and how the people of Israel vacillated between good and evil. When a righteous judge was ruling, the people served the Lord, but then when an evil judge ruled, the people turned their backs on God. After Gideon died his son, Abimelek, decided he wanted to be king and he killed all 70 of his brothers and only one escaped, Jotham. Jotham pronounced a curse on Abimelek because he murdered his brothers and Abimelek ruled for 3 years. But during that time he was in war with the people and as he was fighting and killing the people about 1000 of them shut themselves up in fortified building in the city. This was described as a stronghold-a place where no one could come in and the only way to get out was the way you came in and it was locked and fortified. So what Abimelek did was cut down the branches of the trees in the area and used it to block the people in and then he set the branches on fire and everyone in the fortified building perished.

This was very interesting to me because in christiandom we talk about strongholds and how the enemy will use strongholds to keep people in bondage, but I never looked at it the other way--using a stronghold to hide for safety. When the enemy is coming after the people of course the first thing you do if you can't fight against that enemy is you run to safety in hopes that the enemy will not be able to find you. But the thing about life is that there is no safe place outside of the shelter of God. The Bible says that the name of the Lord, He is our strong tower and the righteous run to Him and we are safe (Prov 18:10). He is our stronghold. So when we are running anywhere else, we won't be safe. Its actually a trap to run somewhere else. The enemy wants to trap us in his stronghold. Some men trust in horses and some men trust in chariots, but WE (the righteous) only trust in the name of the Lord (Psalms 20:7). There is no safety in ANYTHING else!! Anything else is a stronghold of the enemy.

So as I was letting the Holy Spirit teach me I began to think about my strongholds--fear (God didn't give me that spirit), perversity (from being violated as a child), insecurity and anxiety (which are all manifestations of fear).....I began to see how the enemy uses those strongholds and how I use those strongholds to keep myself safe. I DON"T want to come out of my comfort zone. So if I"m afraid of something I just won't do it. In the name of safety I back away. I have fortified myself in my insecurity. I don't know a time when I wasn't afraid of something, when I wasn't insecure about something. And now we have a pandemic that is trying to cause my to be anxious and afraid. But God is not a liar. He said that He didn't give me these spirits and He came to set me free so I believe Him and now comes to work of tearing down the strongholds. Unlocking the door and coming out to face the enemy. If the people unlocked the door they could have saw Abimilek coming and they would have fought for their lives, but because they were locked up and hiding they didn't know that the enemy was blocking them in. We are not ignorant of Satan's devices (2 Corinth 2:11), so was have to see what the enemy is doing and we have to come against him with the sword of the spirit which is the truth of God. So the battle begins..... 

Activate

In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. - James 2:17. 

If I don't activate my faith, it's dead. My faith is dead until my feet starts to move. If I have faith, but don't do anything, I don't have faith. It's dead, there is no life in it; it can't be used if it's dead. So I have to activate it. I have to get up and do something with what God gave me....

Thank God for the word!!

So my aunt died......

My aunt Gloria has been sick for over 20 years. She was diagnosed with gestational diabetes when she was pregnant at 30. This lead to diabetes and congestive heart failure. In January she ended up in the hospital and the doctor diagnosed her with continuous heart failure. The doctor told her that he could give her some medicine to go home and die or he can treat her and the treatment may prolong her life for another year, but 40% of the people who take the treatment die before the year is up. She took the treatment and they put her on hospice. 

She passed away a few days ago after a good fight.

So with Covid19 and the death of my aunt, now is the time to really activate my faith. The enemy has been battling me in my mine with fear and anxiety, but God didn't give me that spirit. So I have to stand on faith!! It's impossible to please God without faith. It's impossible. So I've got to do it. As a child of the King I've got to do it. 

The Warrior Judge

I was reading about the different Judges in the Bible. I've always thought that they judged the people, but really they were like the leaders--not kings, but leaders and they went to war and often saved the people. Israel kept going backwards and they would cry out to God for help and God would send them a leader--a judge that would go to war and get them out of trouble. These judges were warriors. They also dealt with the matters that the people had, but the went to battle for the people. God got tired of the people being rebellious so he decided to test them to determine their faithfulness. He sent other nations of people to come against them Israel and to dominate them God said, "I will use them to test Israel to see whether they will keep the way of the Lord...." Judges 2:22 So instead of the judges totally annihilating the enemy God kept the enemy around so test Israel.

I was thinking about this lately because I've had an issue come up at work where I needed to be deposed. Basically, there was something that I didn't do and I didn't know that I was supposed to do that caused an issue in a case. I did my job, but only partially because part of it I didn't know I was supposed to do and the other part was in a gray area and I began to fast and pray because I don't want to lose my job.  During this time Greenwood began flirting with me--sending me penis pics. OMG. I told him I was fasting and praying. Then I went to the grocery store on last Friday and I ran into Coach. OMG. When I saw him I didn't recognize it as him then he came up to me and I was a little shocked to see him. I hadn't seen him in years--since 2012. We exchanged numbers and he texted me later on that day. March 14 was my mom's bday so I ignored his text. On Monday I got to talk to him and he told me he changed his name to Malik. I get it, he wants to be a different person and changing a name is one way to do it, but in talking to him I wasn't really interested. So I'm not sure if it has fizzled, but we haven't talked again since then.  Then on Tuesday I logged into FB after my short hiatus and Bishop (CB) sends me a message. He says he misses me. SMH

So now I see my test and I want to pass. Thank God for Covid-19. There is no way we are going to be able to just hang out in public and I'm social distancing when I don't need to be out....

4 Dreams

We are in the midst of a crisis...one our generation hasn't seen in our lifetime, but in the midst of it all I want to make sure that my faith stands strong!!  God hasn't given me a spirit of fear, but anxiety is knocking on my door. I'm not a fan a Facebook, so for a couple of weeks while I was fasting and praying I shut my page down. I got back on yesterday and it was pandemonium. Covid-19 was in almost every post. The one that struck me was the one saying that for asthma sufferers the corona could be fatal....

In the past I have been diagnosed with asthma, even though I have rejected that diagnosis. Then I met a doctor who told me that I've never had asthma, but only allergies. I was relieved. However, in December when I went to the doctor she told me that I had asthma. What is it?

A few years ago I got sick, I think it was 2015. It was a cold, but it was awful. It was in my chest and I had difficulty breathing and a doctor prescribed me an inhaler. The cold didn't go away. It lingered for about 6 months. Nothing worked to get rid of it. Finally I took colloidal silver and it went away. Since then I have had allergy symptoms throughout the years: when the weather changes, or if I'm around cats or dogs...things would flair up. So I had a doctor prescribe me singulair. I don't take it everyday but during times when I'm wheezing at night I take it and it goes away. I've got thyroid problems also, so that contributes to allergies.  So this compounds my issue. 

Well, reading that post stuck with me and even though I haven't allowed it to cause me to fear, I am concerned. My job has grounded us so we aren't allowed to conduct inspections. We are allowed to continue to do other work related to the inspections, but no inspections with people involved. So that's a good thing, but my sister works at Sam's Club and there are tons of people coming in and out of that store. So far we haven't had any cases of the corona in our county (that doesn't mean no one has the disease, we don't have anyone who has tested positive yet.) So there is this sense that we will be ok, but when we look at the news, there is this question...will we be ok? One prediction is that 40-60% of Americans will contract this virus.  Our state has shut down schools, bars and restaurants can only serve drive through or take home meals, a few churches have closed their doors and encourage online participation....this is like nothing we've seen in our lifetime. So I've been praying for guidance.  I help to run a food pantry and yes people need help and people need food, so I've been trying to figure the right course of action.

In the Bible, during Joseph's time there was 7 years of famine and Joseph was wise and stored up food for the famine. Right now we are unable to make large purchases of food because store shelves are bare so I asked the CEO if we could shut down in April to assess and strategize so that we could keep food on the shelves. She agreed, but of course I'm not solid in my decision. I"m trying to make sure that we do the right thing.

Last night I had 4 dreams:

In the first dream there were these huge birds--dinosaur type birds (I don't know much about dinosaurs). We were in a church and this huge bird was swooping down to try to get the children. The bird was almost as big as a human and I along with another volunteer started throwing rocks and helping to hide the children underneath the pews. I woke up when the bird crashed in front of us.

The second dream I had was similar, but instead of the huge dinosaur bird it was hawks, huge hawks. The kind that are big enough to carry a small child away. And the hawks were trying to attack the children and we were trying to keep the children from crowding in one space under the pew. We were trying to get them to spread out so that the pew could cover them. The hawk swooped down and I woke up.

The third dream I was working doing my job and I was to meet up with my partner so that we could conduct inspections and we needed to hire a kid and she mentioned this kid that we've worked with before. I got the kid and we did the inspection only to find out that this wasn't a kid--he had grown up and was almost 30 I thought and I had to tell my partner that this kid was almost 30. Actually he was more like 25, but not a kid anymore so he couldn't work.

The last dream I had...I was sleeping in my room in a twin size bed. There was a bedside table and a lamp and then another twin bed and my sister was sleeping in that twin bed. Really early in the morning I heard the garage door open, but it couldn't have been my garage door...who would be opening that this early in the morning. So I ignored it and went back to sleep. About an hour later I got up as the sun was rising and opened the curtain to see my garage door open and two men were stealing my stuff. One had sold my car and they were stealing my tools and equipment and selling it in my neighbors garage sale. I was trying to wrestle my stuff from the men and trying to call the police and I woke up. 

So all of this is interesting to me. We are in unchartered territory so this will be an interesting ride.

Consistency

It's March....the first quarter in the new decade is almost over. What progress have I made?

Well, I've made a commitment to get the toxins out of my life and it hasn't been easy. A few weeks ago I left the door open and two mice ran in. I didn't know it until late one night I heard plastic rattling. The next few days I had glue traps (I know, not the most humane) and both of the mice had escaped from. I didn't know they escaped, so I had Greenwood come over to get the mouse. Actually, I didn't even know there were two....

That night at about 1am I heard the mouse squirming off the glue trap so I rushed to get a shoe box. I prayed because its beedy eyes were looking at me. I needed the Holy Spirit to help me. The mouse flipped the trap over and was upside down and I dropped the box on top of it then I loaded up with four more boxes.

 

I turned on music because I didn't want to hear the mouse thumping the box trying to get out. So I didn't sleep very much.

When I got out the bed at 7:30am the next morning I looked for the other trap and it was gone. I panicked and woke my sister up. She angrily came to find the trap and saw that the mouse had escaped from that trap. So I asked her if she could get the trap from underneath the box. She looked and said there wasn't a mouse, the trap was upside down. I told her there was. The mouse had flipped over. We left it like that and went to church. I messaged an old friend, Greenwood, and asked him if he could come get the mouse. He came up, raised the boxes and said, "There is no mouse." 

WHAT???!!!!

I had already had quite a bit of anxiety about this so having the mouse escape the tower of boxes was really stressful. I showed me the box where the mouse had chewed a small hole to get out. Then he showed me the trap that had so much fur on it. Poor mouse. Now my anxiety level was really high. I had to try to trap a super mouse. It took another week and a half before it was caught, but not before it pooped all in the stove.

This pic doesn't even show the half of it. I lifted up the stove top and poop was everywhere. Which led me to believe that there was more than one. So I trapped the stove then waited. After a few days nothing...So I moved the trap next to the refrigerator and bingo. Stuart Little was caught. I put another trap by the refrigerator just in case and awww hot dog, Stuarts brother was caught the next day. I was so relieved, but still quite anxious because it seems so nerve wrecking to have a rodent in your house. I'm still remodeling so I have stuff EVERYWHERE and who knows where those mice have pooped and peed. OMG

Anyway, those mice were a violation and I let them in. So it was another example of me allowing toxins in my life and me having to get them out. 

So afterwards I needed some help putting in a new doorway because the I had someone do some finish work in my hallway and I put up a barn style door for he bathroom. So I asked Greenwood. This was the wrong move because he began flirting with me... Oh boy...here we go.

A couple of years ago in 2017-18 I met Greenwood on POF and even though I wasn't interested in him he would come to help me out around my house and he helped me to put the walls up in my living room. Then he started to shoot his shot which led to him sending my porn him him pleasuring himself on snapchat. Things fizzled after that because I wasn't trying to be with him like that. So now here it is 2+ years later and he's at it again. He hasn't sent me a video, but he's send my dick pics. OMG. 

Well, about a week ago I got an email from my boss, one of the inspections that I had conducted was set to go for a hearing. I got really nervous and anxious again because I remembered that during this inspection might not have gone all the way inside the building to witness the violation. I stood at the door that was wide opened at a sales rack and watched everything go down. So I began to fret and pray because I don't want to lose my job because I didn't 100% see everything that went down. I saw the jist of everything and in my opinion that was good enough, but now I know that maybe it wasn't . So in preparing for my deposition I began to pray and fast and read the scripture in Deuteronomy 9 where God tells the people that he's gonna favor them, not because they are so good, but because the other nation of people are so evil. And I"m in the same situation. It wasn't that I did everything perfectly, but they broke the law regardless. So I had my deposition this morning after no sleep.

Now that the depo is done we just wait for a response from the defendant..... 

Health Crisis

January 15, 2019
I traveled to Chicago because my sister was in labor. When I got there her BD was there. He stayed for a few hours then left. His mom came and stayed for a few hours then left. During this time we fast and pray for 21 days at my church so I wasn't eating until after 7pm. As I got up to walk to the cafeteria I felt a pain in my left calf. I walked and walked and it got worse and I could barely put my foot down on the floor without excruciating pain. I got back to the room, said a prayer and tried to fall asleep. The pain didn't go away so I took a Tylenol. My niece was born the next morning and the Tylenol worked. I didn't feel the pain anymore. When I got back home I went straight to my doctor's office. They scheduled an appointment for me an hour later and she sent me to the hospital to get an ultrasound done on my leg. Yep, I had a DVT.

I was relieved to find out what was wrong, but also concerned. I had a PE in 2004 after my daughter was born. This DVT was nothing to be passe about. My doctor ordered a blood thinner and when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up my insurance had been cancelled so I had to be on the phone for hours getting that taken care of. It was crazy. After clearing up the insurance issue, the pharmacist wanted to charge me about $600 for the medicine. She said because I have a deductible that hadn't been met I the insurance company was only paying for a portion of the medicine so I had to sign up for a prescription program. It was a whole mess.

On January 25 I had a doctors appt with a hematologist. He was reviewing my chart and he kept saying that my condition was acute. I agreed. But he kept saying it and then he said this was long term and that I'd need to be on medication forever. I disagreed and said, not it's an acute problem and it will go away. Then he corrected himself and said no it's not acute, it's chronic. He ordered blood test and sent me on my way.

When the test results came back it said that I have lupus anticoagulant.

This sounds really scary, but basically it means that there is a blood clotting disorder. Of course I've always resisted this diagnosis and sometimes I even forget to take my medication.

In March I started having heart palpitations. I had gone to work out on Monday and by Wednesday the heart palpitations had not stopped. I felt fine, just heart palpitations. So I called the hematologist and he said to go to the ER.

WHAT? I was fine, so I ran a few errands and went to the ER. When I got there, it was packed with people. I guess we had a lot of people with the flu. So I sat in the ER and as I sat I was attacked. It was a demonic attack. My started getting really hot and my heart started racing and then I started to black out. As I was sitting I took deep breathes and the black out stopped. I texted a friend and she came to sit with me in the ER. When they called me back to do my EKG I was shivering so hard that they had a hard time time getting a good read. Once they got me back to see a doctor they took some blood, did a chest x-ray and sent me home I was fine according to them.

This happened again in April and in May. Finally after praying the Holy Spirit led me to start back taking my vitamins and Vitamin D. The symptoms stopped.

OMG...you mean to tell me after heart monitoring (twice) a neurology brain scan, an 8-hour blood glucose test and three trips to the ER, it was only my vitamin D.

Apparently so. I was so perturbed. I mean I spend almost $10,000 on all these test. It was horrible.

By August I had gained 30lbs and I was exhausted. I was at my whits end also. So in October I contacted a nutritionist who was a nurse who was also studying to become a functional medicine doctor. She told me to get some blood work done and that she's help me. I got blood work done in December and found out that my iron was so low. It was 16. A good Ferritin level is 100. My doctor told me to eat more red meet. The nutritionist told me to order some iron. I found a new doctor.

Dr Alan Christianson wrote the book, "The Idiots Guide to Thyroid Disorders." I read the book in 2012 and bought it last year. I googled his practice and was making plans to travel to see him when I found out that his practice does telemedicine. When I met with one if his doctors she told me that I needed iron. STAT. So she ordered two rounds of iron infusions.

I've had my two rounds and now I'm still fatigued because my cortisol levels are really low in the morning. But I can't take supplements because they affect my blood thinner. So I'm on a journey of healing and it's gonna be one condition after the other. I need to get my fibroids together, my thyroid together, and my adrenals. together.

I Knew It

My aunt has been in the hospital. She's not doing so well. She has continuous heart failure. The doctors say that she's in the last stages of heart failure and the treatment that they are giving her has a 40% chance of extending her life for a year. It's somber news and I don't want my aunt to die, but it's what we are facing now. I've been trying to imagine her not being here. It's hard to think about. I mention  her because every time I talk to her, she ask me about who "I'm With?" Meaning who am I dating, who am I sleeping with, etc. Of course the answer right now is NO ONE.

I got food poisoning on January 7 and it was so bad I was throwing up and had diarrhea all night long. It was HORRIBLE. My niece had food poisoning a week prior to that? 

What is wrong in my household?

Well, the sweet potatoes stayed a little too long in the refrigerator and I ate them and fed some to my niece. I felt so bad. Then a week later I had new sweet potatoes and I guess they stayed a little too long in the refrigerator and it got me.

Anyway throwing every hour all night long will you have praying to God for help and that's what I did and while praying I realized that I needed to throw up to get the poison out of my body. And I realized that Charles and Bryan were both poison. Charles caused me so much stress and I met Bryan under false pretenses so why continue to see him. So I sent both of them a final text saying that I didn't want to see them anymore and then I blocked them both. And I've been more productive. I just deleted FB dating also. So I am really single.

I got a text on the way to the hospital to see my aunt on Saturday, "How's your love life?" It took me a minute to figure out who it was was and I realized that it was David or Golf Guy. I hadn't talked to him since April 2019. I blocked him because he sent me this extremely sexual text and I was just disgusted. I felt disrespected. I've told David more than once that we were friends and that I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, so he was on the blocked list. Then I randomly unblocked him and he texted me. So yesterday we began to catch up and talk about why we lost touch. He let me know that he had tried to call me and text me, but I was blocked. I explained to him why I blocked him, which was because I was so stressed that I was going to therapy for past sexual abuse and him sending me that text was a major trigger and I couldn't handle that trigger. So I blocked him. He apologized. And now here we are. I really enjoy David's company but I'm not sure what he'll do with this new found news of sexual abuse in my past. I told him that I'm celibate because I can't just sleep with guy after guy. I can't do the casual sex, casual dating thing. My psyche can't handle it. My spirit and soul can't handle it. So if he only wants to talk to me because he thinks he has a chance at having sex with me, this won't last long. I've gotten rid of the poison and I don't need to add more!!

A New Decade

Yes, I'm a "year zero" person. The new decade started at the stroke of midnight January 1, 2020 and it's amazing. I mean who knew what 2020 would look like. I can remember Y2K was a big deal. Now here we are 20 years later. OMG.

This decade has been a rollar coaster.

I was homeless in 2010.

2011--Got a job as an apartment manager. So I didn't have to pay rent. Was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Worked many part-time, temporary jobs. Was on public assistance for food stamps.

2012--God a full-time job working for the health department. I turned 35. Participated in my first 5k. We didn't run, but it was so FUN!! Experienced debilitating cramps for 3 months. Prayed and it went away. However, I found out later that I had fibroids. Possibly due to an IUD removal. Oh, yeah and my car was stolen this year. Mister and I began talking again.

2013--I saw Mister for the first time since 2007. I was being sued for not paying my car note, but the case was dropped because I was living in my car in 2010. I started a new job working for the feds and state. My income increase drastically. I met my father's side of the family. Mister went to jail because his girl lied and made it seem like he was physically assaulting her. My brother graduated from high school. I got a visit from the FBI about credit report fraud.

2014--I started back in school at UIS. I broke my toe. I became homeless again. My own doing. But it only lasted 3 months while I looked to buy a house. I wasn't able to because of my credit, but I did move into a new apartment (the same apartment building I lived in when I became homeless). I taught VBS. It was significant.

2015--I paid old debts off (old dr bills). Mister and I slept together. I cut it off with Mister and met Craig, the school administrator. Corey was supposed to call me, but never did. Ugh. I was in a spiritual slump throughout this year. My brother was shot at on the highway in St. Louis. So scary. He decided to move to Ohio with my sister. Patrice and I became friends. I met Jeremy and we went on a limo ride, but he was not the one for me. I spent Christmas with Mister and got so sick that I couldn't breathe. My sister got engaged on Christmas.

2016--I told Mister the truth about our daughter. I should have never told him the truth. I should have just left it alone. The hurt was so palpable. I gained 215lbs in 2015 and I went to see Dr Rhode and lost 35lbs. I met Eric. Meeting him was not good. I was thrown back into my childhood after one night with him. It was horrible. Mister forgave me. I was told that I had fibroids. Scary. I went to my uncle's log cabin house for the first time. Blown away...it is beautiful. I met Rolando this year. It didn't work out. Mister invited me to KC with him. I turned him down. He met a girl who would become his wife. I met my dad's side of the family. All of my mother's children came together to my uncle's house for the first time since 2002. I took my neice to Chicago to go kayaking. I met Gov Guy (Eric Brown). It was a big mistaking hooking up with him. I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I had to move out of my apartment because the landlords were selling the building. I began seriously househunting. I made an offer on the home I"m living in now. I had a dream about fish. LOL.

2017--January 13, 2017, I became a homeowner.  We visited TN to see where my 6th greatgrand parents were buried. My cousin Phil was with us. I celebrated my 40th bday in New Orleans by myself. I met Casey. He was cool. My cousin died in July. I met Mr Ohio--Larry Hicks. I thought I was in love. I met Golf Guy-David aka Captain Morgan and we became fast friends. My sister got married in Niagara Falls in August. My brother got married in October. I broke up with Larry and got back together with him. He had a heart attack. Not in that order.

2018--I reconnected with my dad after almost 20 years. I met Charles, again. He was in Decatur, then he left. He didn't get back until September. Larry and I tried to reconnect. I met Bryan. We stopped talking right after Jen's mom died. I thought Charles was serious about marrying me. I hooked up with him and then broke up with him two weeks later. I thought we were gonna spend Christmas together. I was heartbroken.

2019--Blood clot in my leg in January. My neice was born. Heart palpitations and pre-syncope in March, April, and May. All types of medical test were done. I started taking Vitamin D and the symtoms disappeared. Charles gave me chlamydia and I realized how much of a liar he was. I took his phone and took a pic of all the women he was talking to, even the transgender woman. Bryan texted me in November and we began chatting again. I gained 30lbs. My sister came to live with me in October along with her daughter. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. Bryan asked me to go to Las Vegas with him. I was nervous. I started therapy in March to deal with childhood sexual abuse. It's been a rollar coaster ride. My sister got engaged, then went to jail for domestic violence. Her fiance bailed her out because he lied to the police.

2020--I got food poisoning on January 7 and realized that I had a lot of poison in my life. I told Bryan and Charles that I didn't want to talk to them anymore. Now I'm alone and I'm dealing with me. My uncle was supposed to come stay with me, but he changed his mind.....