2 Hours

That's how long it took us to get home from work today. We left around 5:30pm after we scraped the thick coat of ice off the car. We got home around 7:30pm. Kim drove. My car is sick. I have to talk about that another time because my head hurt, I had motion sickness from being in the car going no more than 30mph on the highway, and I'm tired.

I hope we don't have to work tomorrow!!!

I am wore out

I'm so tired, my body hurt!!!

My eyes hurt, my head hurt, my neck hurt and my shoulders hurt.

This has been a llllloooooonnnnnnnnngggggggg week.

We've been in training all week at work and boy was it a doosy.

I'm not gonna be on here long because I'm getting ready for bed, but I just wanted to write about my blessing.

Remember back in October when I went to the hospital because I had severe chest pains?

The hospital bill was over $5000 and that was just the hospital bill. I just received a letter in the mail that said that I qualified for their financial assistance program and my bill is reduced by %100. I don't have to pay anything!!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to run around the house and praise God, but I'm tired. Actually, I think I'm still gonna do it because the Bible says that David praised God so much that he danced out of his clothes!!!

I THANK GOD for HIS love!!!!

Oh WOW!!

I've been praying about some stuff that concerns my living arrangements. I love Jenny. She is my friend, but she runs a day care center out of home. She has to comply with DCFS rules that state that if anyone lives in your house they have to have a background check, TB test, and a physical. The background check, I'm not worried about. Now that I have some moola, I can pay $15 for my TB test, but it's the physical, that I don't have money for. I'm not sure how much it cost, but to see a doctor is not cheap. I signed up for the clinic for low income people, but they won't see me until my file is complete which takes about 30 days after I signed up because they have to request my medical records from EVERYWHERE and they say it takes about that much time. Then it may take another 30 days because their schedule is booked, so I might not be seen until March for my initial visit. Jenny wants all the forms completed by March 1. I can't argue with her rules. If she wants them by that time, then I have to comply because this is her business--her livelihood. But, I just don't have the money for a physical. She said she would pay for it if necessary, and I know if I go to the low-income clinic it will be cheaper than a regular doctor, but the clinic might not be able to fit me in before her deadline. SO I was praying about it.

Also, my friend Sarah, needs a place to stay. She told me her bday was tomorrow and I was gonna take her out to eat to celebrate. But, when I saw her at church last night she was telling me that she may not have a place to live. She's not working now and she's living with a lady who runs a home daycare center. Her problem is, she can't pass the background check because she is an ex-felon. She just got out of jail in 2008. So, the lady was telling her that she was nervous about her staying there because DCFS can pop up anytime to evaluate your business and she didn't want to lose her license. So, she didn't have anywhere to go. She was thinking that she could go to Jenny's because Jenny has the room, but the lady knows Jenny and mentioned something about her. I prayed last night and told God that if I had my old apartment, Sarah could come to stay with me because it was a two bedroom apartment. I also told God that I wish I could help her.

Well, about an hour ago, I got an email from a lady from my church who works at Homeward Bound, the place that I not only applied to for housing, but also I applied for the Resident Manager position and they sent me a rejection notice. She said that the position was open and she thought about me. I told her that I applied for it in November, but they didn't want me. She told me that that was because they hired someone "in house" to take the position, but the lady was just fired. I told her that I would more than be happy to take the job!!!! She said she would talk to her supervisor and call me tomorrow to let me know if I can reapply.

I immediately called Sarah. I wanted to wait because I didn't want to get her hopes up just in case I didn't get the job, but I didn't want Sarah to leave town. That's what she did last time when she didn't have a place to stay. So, I will be praying that God's will be done in this situation!!

November 28, 2010

I was told by IDES that I was ineligible for benefits starting the week of November 28, 2010. They said I was not in compliance with their rules. A month later, on December 28, I was in their office meeting with Gina and pleading my case, explaining to her that their rule didn't apply to me. I was told that she would take care of it, but my case sat on her desk. About two weeks ago I went back to the office and was told that I was ineligible. The man didn't even want to hear me because of the outdated information in the computer. I was getting frustrated trying to tell him and he was getting frustrated trying to tell me. I had to tell myself to keep my composure.

Finally, I just said I didn't want to fight with them anymore (actually, I said that before I went to see them that day). I just got a letter in the mail that said my previous employer did not have sufficient information that deems me ineligible. The actual verbage is as follows,

...the claimant is not ineligible for benefits...

Of course when you see the words "not ineligible" you have to pause until your mind can figure out what that mean. Not ineligible means "is eligible". I don't know why they couldn't just say that because when I read it the first time, I was surely thinking that I was ineligible.

I thank God for this because I need to pay my bills!!!!!!!!!

As I reflect on this situation, I've learned some good lessons....

1. Do what God tells you to do and don't allow pride to get in the way.
God told me in November when I read the rules to receive my benefits that I needed to contact my previous employer. However, I didn't because my pride wouldn't let me. They laid me off, why would I need to contact them? That was my mentality. This whole issue came about because I hadn't contacted them, but I was sent an email telling me that they would contact me and God was trying to cover my by telling me to contact them. I should have listened :( God, forgive me for not listening and being obedient.

2. Be patient.
When you know that you have done nothing wrong, be patient. It will all work out and just per chance it doesn't, just know that there is a reason.

3. When you have a job that affects a person's life. Do it!!
I understand that the state employees are overworked and under paid, but this is my life. I have been without. WITHOUT!!!! and it was only the grace of God that was shown to me by having friends that have helped me out. Not everyone is as fortunate as me.

4. Listen when someone is trying to tell you something.
The man at the IDES office did not want to listen to me. He was just going by what was on his screen. This was the same man that helped me out when I told him the office did not call me when they should have. When I first went to the office to tell them that I had not been called according to the time stated in the letter, this same man helped me then and told me who my case worker was and gave her my information so that she could call me. This was on December 22. I know that he had dealt with a lot of people since then, but not a month later I was talking to the same guy and he was giving me a hard time. He wasn't listening. Now, I know to listen and stay calm when trying to help a person.

Preparation

I'm preparing for work next week. It's snowing. Ugh!!! So that means I will be driving slowly on the highway. My goal is to be in bed by 8pm tonight because I have to be up at 5am. That's a horrible hour, but that's what I have to do to get to work on time. I'm taking my lunch to work all week.

Our church fast is over tomorrow. But, I like the fruits, veggies, fish and chicken menu. I'm gonna keep up with that type of eating. I feel so much better.

I was burdened on yesterday by a comment that my roommate said to me. Her intention was good, but the Bible says that things may be lawful, but not expedient. Yes, she noticed something, but was it her place to say something. She said that she felt she needed to say something so she did. It had nothing to do with her, she just noticed me and decided to mention it. Like I don't know myself, I guess. It bothered me and I cried at church because her comment made me feel bad, like I was doing something wrong in my life. It's really easy to look at someone and see a fault, but my goal is not to point out a fault in others, but to look at myself. I know in the past I may have pointed out someone else's flaw, but now I know that it may not be my place to say anything.

So I was pretty heavy at church because it was trying to place me back in the "i'm not good enough" mindset, but as my pastor was preaching I just asked God to free me from that heaviness and He did. No I don't pray everyday and some days I may not read my Bible, but I'm moving towards that.

My Goal Was To Go To Bed Early

Yep, that was my goal today. It's about 7:33pm and I think I can still make it. I've got 3 sweet potatoes in the oven and I'm waiting on them to be done. I didn't know how long it took for sweet potatoes to be done, but it says about 25 minutes. I've got to get my clothes ready for church tomorrow and take a shower. Actually, I want to get my clothes ready for work all next week. This will help me save time especially since I will be getting home so late in the evening. I also want to get my lunch ready for the rest of the week because the cafeteria at the bank is not cheap.

Through this fast God is really teaching me a lot of stuff. One thing is to not be offended by things that people say. In order to mature I must know that I can't get offended by every person's comment. I know the intention is good and I accept the concern, but it's real easy to look at someone else and not look at yourself. On this fast, I wanted to examine myself. I didn't want to point out anyone else's faults. I want to see me!! GOD, SHOW ME, ME!!! Please, because I am the one standing in NEED!!!! I know that there are people who are able to help me, but sometimes the help is not help, it's more like a judgement. Maybe, I shouldn't look at it that way. Maybe it's a conviction, but I'm moving forward. Maybe I'm not moving fast enough, but I am moving!!!!

Maybe God is trying to tell me something!!!


Father, I want to spend more time with you, but I do have work to do. Do I have to spend all my time reading your word? Okay, maybe to walk in the spirit I need to think in the spirit more. I understand that, but I'm learning, right???? Am I that bad????? Am I that bad?????

I understand that you have been telling me to get rid of my pride. You have been telling me to humble myself and you have been telling me my faults--not listening and paying attention to the word, not protecting my anointing... not being obedient when you tell me to do something, allowing fear and intimidation to control me instead of the spirit of God and so on and so on....

I know you are not concerned with my past, but it haunts me and it's taken me some time to get over it!!!! I'm not going to have a pity party and use my past and my upbringing as an excuse, and I know that there are people who are worst off than me and have had it worse than me. But, I've had to deal with some difficult stuff.

Help me, God!!!

Father, help me, please!!!!!

New Job

My first day on the job was yesterday. I had to be there at 8am. Since we are about 50 miles away and the weather is horrible, I decided it would be a good thing to leave around 6:30am. Thank God I didn't have to shovel my car out the snow. The weather was horrible. I started me car get it warmed up and the heat just wouldn't heat up. I didn't know what was wrong until I looked at the temperature. It was -4 degrees. When I picked up Kim, she said the wind chill was -12. I had to get some gas even though Kim gave me $10. I hope the check takes a week to clear because I won't have any money until Friday. Otherwise, this will total 3 bad checks I wrote. That's a bummer because that means my first check will be used to cover bank fees.

Speaking of writing bad checks.....

A girl that I'm friends with told me that she was sent to jail for writing a bad check. She said the check was $142, but the court sent her to jail for 2 years and she had to pay a fine of $1400 to cover the check, bank fees and court cost. WOW!!!

When we got to work, I sat in training like a deer in headlights. I felt like was in another country.

Basically, our job is to make sure that loan documents are correct and if they aren't correct, we can't refinance the loan. That sounds simply, right? IT'S NOT!!! The system that they use and all of the home mortgage jargon is crazy. Around 10am, my brain was screaming for a break. I had a massive headache. By the end of the day I couldn't wait to join the mass exodus for the door.

I Am Employed!!

THank God!!!

I got the email that my background is cleared and I will be a loan specialist at a major bank. Not only that, but a lady from my church is working there also, so we will be carpooling. Two other ladies from my church will be working there pretty soon, so we are looking to carpool and split the gas 4 ways.

I got a call from the other hospital today. They will be sending me a letter to let me know if I am qualified for their financial assistance program.

I'm getting sleepy, and I have to be on the highway at 6:30am, so I'm turning in early today!!

Booooooooo

As of 7:35am today, I am not going to work today. I'm not too sad about it because it's snowing cats and dogs outside and my tires are terrible. I didn't want to drive over the highway like that. Even though they said the highway is pretty clear. I'm not sure how since it's still snowing. We are supposed to get at least 7 inches of snow. Bbbboooooooo. I love the winter time. Actually, I love all the seasons, but this year, because of my car troubles, I'm not loving the snow. Plus, I don't have any boots. My feet were so cold yesterday. Plus, I don't have enough gas money to keep my heat on in my car. I'm not complaining, though. The temp agency was supposed to call me to tell me if my background check has gone through. I didn't even get dressed because I kind of knew it hadn't. I lost my cell phone, so I called them on gmail. THANKS Gmail for having free calling anywhere in the US! Now that I'm not working I can go to my friends meeting. She was counting on me to be apart of her community outreach advisory committee. I'm happy. I wish I had some like minded people who would be willing to work on the committee with me. I NEED to find my phone. The university could be calling me!!! Lord, where is my phone?? I had it in my pocket on Tuesday and when I changed my clothes, I thought I put it in my other pocket, but I can't find it. Ugh!!!! God, help me find my phone, please!!!

Disoriented

I'm not sure if that's the way I feel, but it's causing me some anxiety.

I emailed a friend of mine to ask her is she needed a ride to her computer class today. She emailed me back and told me that she was offered a job. I told her that I was thanking God for her. I then went to the unemployment office to pick her up. She was there completing the paperwork for the job. She told me that it was with a bank. I told her I was offered a job at a bank and I told her the bank and she said it was the same one. We just laughed because now Kim, me and her would all be working at the same bank and we could ride together. She then pointed to a girl sitting next to her and said that she would be working there also. WOW. The girl she was pointing to was Jae another girl that I knew. They had just met, but Jae is a member of my church, she just hadn't been there in a while. So we were all excited. Then I went to the temp office to take my friend there because she couldn't fill out the forms online and I was told that my background hadn't gone through yet. WHAT???? I was thinking that I would be starting a job on tomorrow, but now I'm not sure. I can't work without my background being completed. Ugh!!!!!! And on top of that, I misplaced my phone. So, I have to call the temp office early tomorrow morning to see if my background has gone through and then I'll know if I can go to work tomorrow. Dag!!!! Tam, the lady at the temp agency mentioned to me that she didn't know that I lived out to state. I told her that I hadn't and then I remembered back in 2002, my identity was stolen and a person in Virginia got a Sprint cell phone in my name and they didn't pay the bill and it was on my credit report. It took me two years to clear that mess up, but the address is still on my credit report. I told Tam this and she said that maybe that was the reason my background hadn't come back yet. HUH!!!

So now, I'm quite anxious. But, I'm not gonna complain!!! I'm gonna stand on the word of God and know that if it's mine, I will get it!! I have to. That's what I told Steph to do, so I've got to eat my words!!!!

Thank you God for my job!!!

Yay!!!!

After church last night, Kim asked me if Adco called me. What? I asked a couple of times. She said, "for the Wells Fargo job?" Huh? She said that the temp agency was supposed to call me because they wanted me to work for them. Oooohhhhhh. "You mean Adecco?" I thought to myself. I told her I did get an email to call them, but I hadn't spoke to them. She then asked me if we could carpool. Praise GOD!!!! because driving 90 miles a day for work can be brutal on the pocketbook. So, she is gonna pay half the gas. The job only pays $10.50 an hour, but that beats nothing. I've got to get new tires on my car because the roads are not that great.

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Silly Mistake

For some reason my new phone number is not easy to remember. Well, it's not actually hard to remember, it's just that I keep transposing the last two numbers. The last 4 digits of my phone number is 6751. For some reason I keep saying 6715. This is such a big problem because I've been applying for jobs and adding my phone number and I believe I used the wrong number on an application. Grrrrr. Usually when I have to complete a paper application I make a copy of it. When I looked at the copy of the application that I completed for the university I found that my number had been transposed. Ugh!! Such an inconvenience. Now I have to go to their office to make a change. I can't believe I made such a silly mistake. Dag.

Freedom!!

Feel So Free

I've been really heavy this week. Before the new year, my pastor's wife had been speaking about forgiveness. One thing she said was that we can't be forgiven by God if we don't forgive others. My heart became very heavy because I had buried some things and as she was speaking those things were unearthed. And I had to tell myself that I needed to forgive. It took some time, but I did and the heaviness lifted. Now my pastor is preaching about shame. He said that sometimes after a person has come to Christ, a spirit of shame can overtake them because the devil will torment them with all the stuff that they've done. As he was preaching and teaching about that, my heart became heavy again. I never understood why I always felt that I wasn't forgiven, why I felt I needed to keep repenting for things over and over again. He explained that a spirit of shame will make you believe that what you did was so bad, that God had not forgiven you--that God was still holding you to your past, when in fact it was the opposite. God has not only forgiven, but He has forgotten. The Bible says that as far as the east is from the west, that's how God has removed our sins when we ask for forgiveness. But for some reason, I kept holding on to the things that I've done, not just the things from my past, but the things that has caused me to be in the state that I'm in now--my lack of obedience to God. I was so ashamed of myself that I kept unforgiveness in my heart for myself. He explained that shame also causes us to become distanced from our brothers and sisters in Christ. The body of Christ is supposed to fellowship and show love for one another, but I never wanted to fellowship. I never felt the love. This is one the reasons I felt I couldn't go to anyone in my church because I felt so beneath them--like I had lived such a life contrary to the word of God that I couldn't be forgiven by others. The spirit of shame caused me to be bound in my mind. On morning I was dreaming and in my dream I was reminded of some things I had done when I was 19 years old and the enemy was telling me that I never apologized for it. He was telling me that I needed to go back to the person that I did it to and apologize. I hadn't even remembered those things, but he was tormenting me. I battled and battled with that torment, but today I was set free.

My pastor preached about how Adam and Eve were shamed in the garden of Eden for their disobedience. After the sermon everyone went to the altar for prayer. I just prayed to God and told Him how tired I was of carrying my shame and guilt of the past. There is nothing I can do about my past. I can't change it, so I was asking God for grace to live with knowing that I have done wrong, but have been forgiven. I asked God to help me to believe that my sins have been washed in His blood. HE sent HIs son die for my sins. I can't die for them. I can't save myself. So, He did it for me. When I left the altar, I felt so much lighter. I felt free from that burden and I'm gonna walk in my freedom.

THANK GOD FOR FREEDOM!!

I've got a cold

UGH!!!!!

I woke up two weeks ago with a scratchy through and for a week my voice was gone. I was okay with that because only had a little bit of a cough. Now I have a stuffy and runny nose and I'm all clogged up. It's horrible. I'm sure the children in Jenny's daycare are the culprits because it seems like all of them come in with snotty noses. Normally, I take Cod Liver Oil to fend away the winter germs, but I ran out over a month ago and I don't think my system was used to all these germs.

I've been working out over the past week and it seems like when I work out my nose doesn't run as much. So, I'm getting ready to do another 12 minute set. Also, working out helps to clear my head. I don't have crazy thoughts running through my head when I'm working out.

Disgruntled

Yesterday was one of those down days. I was hungry and upset at my unemployment benefits. I was also upset at my SNAP benefits. I was so sure that the woman told me that my SNAP benefits end on the 11th of each month. So, that means that I would get more money to buy food on the 12th. It turned out to be incorrect. My benefits month ends on the 18th, so I have one more week until I can buy food. Also, I had to write a bad check to get gas because I ran out on Sunday and was on the side of the road. I wrote the check in anticipation of my unemployment coming in this week also. Well, I got a letter in the mail and I didn't understand it. This was the second letter I got in the mail. No unemployment benefits this month. WHAT????? So in my frustration I decided to eat some spaghetti. I know it wasn't on our fast menu, but I didn't have any fruit or veggies to eat. When I got into the car it wouldn't start. Another thing that frustrated me. My car has been starting perfectly the last week or so. The weather has been horrible, but I get in and it starts. I thank God every time, but yesterday when I was looking for a glimmer of hope, it wouldn't start. Grrrrrrr!

When I finally got to the unemployment office I was told that I was denied on Dec 22. I was trying to explain to the man that I had a meeting on Dec 28 and I never got my determination from that meeting. He kept trying to tell me that I was denied so it didn't matter about the meeting. I told him that I needed to speak to Gina because that was not what she told me on the 28th. So he went back to talk to her and she said that she had not gotten to my case yet. What???? So I'm suffering because you are too busy to tell do what you said you would do?? The guy had me to write an appeal just in case I was indeed denied and he said he was gonna turn it in if they decided to deny me. WOW.

So, I was upset yesterday.

The good news is that I was offered a job through the temp service. It's with on one of the banks in the other city. At first when she told me, I was kind of against it because I would have to drive 45 miles one way and the job was only $10.50 a hour. Gas would be about $250 a month. My tires are horrible and I need an oil change. Would it be worth it? Then I thought, it's better than nothing. So, I went in to fill out all the paperwork. When she offered me the job, I was thinking that they would have to do a credit check on me and when I went in to fill out the paperwork, sure enough it was a credit check form. Ugh. That's a job I can kiss goodbye. I just got my credit report and my car is behind 3 months and I owe my landlord. Fortunately those are the only two negative things on the report, but I also have a major student loan. So my debt to income ratio is horrid (well, it was horrid when I had a job, it's really horrid now because my income is ZERO.)

My prayer is that this day is much better.

No Benefits

I just don't know what to do......

I'm tired of fighting with the unemployment people. I am eligible for benefits, but they just won't give them to me. Now, it looks like my food stamps are late. I was told that my food stamps would be loaded onto my car on today. I logged in and there was nothing. I have $5 left and I need to help out with the household expenses and I told Jenny that I would be buying all the food. She is counting on me to buy the food, but I can't because I don't have my benefits. What is going on???? I'm just sick of fighting with this stuff. Once I get on my feet, I NEVER EVER want to deal with this again. Waiting on a handout is like waiting on molasses to fall from a tree.

What is going on?

My ideal time to pray is in the AM when I get up. However, that never seems to work for me because I used to get up around 5am, but be too tired and/or lazy to get out of bed. Now I get up at 6:30am, no matter what because that's what time my roommates daycare center opens and she uses my room for her daycare, so I have to be up. At first I didn't like it, but I didn't complain. I just made adjustments to go to bed earlier, say, by 9pm. However, some days I don't get to bed which makes for a crappy next day, but I manage. However, the last couple of days, I've been going to bed later and my days have been really crappy, but again, I'm not complaining because I have a roof over my head and it's warm and cozy. But, there has been something going on and I'm troubled....

In between the time that I get up and get out of the bed, I'm in this half sleep, half dream, prayer time type of situation. It usually happens like this. I wake up, look at my phone to see what time it is, realize that it's 5am or 5:30am or 6am. I make a mental note and decide to pray while still in bed. As I'm praying I end up dreaming and I realize I'm dreaming because what is going on in my brain is not real, even though sometimes it feels real and some of the stuff I dream about is true. Take for instance this morning. I woke up at around 6am. I closed my eyes and I meant to pray, but I dreamed that I was with my sister, nicole, and we were walking on the street and she was telling me that my sister, lou's, boyfriend killed my dad because of something that he did. In my dream, I just said to nicole, I can't believe daddy is really gone. I started to cry--literally--I wasn't dreaming that I was crying, but I actually started to cry and that woke me up. I started to pray for my dad when I woke up and I had this picture in my mind to send him a prayer on facebook. But I was still kind of sleep. Then I began to dream again and I just forgot it, but it was crazy too. I hate when this happens. I wish I could just wake up, be fully alert and pray without crazy dreams that haunt me.

Challenging Day

Last night I went to bed thinking about marriage. You know how girls are always planning their weddings, well I was mentally doing that last night. Bad move. I ended up dreaming about it too. I don't know what happened in the course of the night, but somewhere I ended up battling some old stuff and I got up in the middle of the night. I wanted something to eat, but I made myself go back to sleep. But the thing was still bothering me. Ugh. Finally I woke up at about 5am and tried to pray, but I was still being tormented by the crazy past. Then I started thinking about all kinds of craziness. I think somehow I let that bother me throughout today because I decided to eat. Not really eat, eat, but I got me some cheese crackers. I'm glad we have church tonight because I need to be around some good prayer. This spirit can't taunt me forever. In Jesus Name!

Awesome Wonder

Another Job Prospect

In July I applied for a position at the University that I hang out at. They sent me a rejection letter. I know I could have done the job because I've done it in the past, but they still rejected me. I moved on. Now the university has another position that is open. It's an Assistant Director position that was posted in the newspaper, but not on their website on yesterday. The position didn't have a deadline and it said that they are looking for someone immediately. I wonder if immediately means this week :). As I was reading it it defined me--I used to be a Career Specialist. They are wanting and assistant director for their Career Center. Why can't I have this job? Why won't they choose me? I know it's not my resume, application or cover letter because I've used the same format and gotten jobs in the past. So, I'm not incompetent in that area. Well, I applied today and took the employment packet to the office. I would have mailed it, but I don't have money for stamps or and envelop. When I got into the HR office there was noone there. I heard people in the back and I didn't want to disturb them, so I simply left it on the desk.

I haven't mentioned before that I worked at this university before. It was like in 2003. I worked for about a month in housekeeping. It was 3rd shift. I hated it, but at the time I needed the extra money. I was working a fulltime job and I needed some extra money to pay some bills so I applied and they hired me. On the application they asked had I ever worked for the university before. I left that blank. I hope it doesn't come up. The HR director is the same person that hired me before. I didn't have a negative experience there, it was just that I didn't stay long. I should have tried to stay, but I didn't.

While dropping off the application, I simply prayed that God's will be done. Even though it's aggravating to not have money or a job (I hate getting up with no where to go, that why I go to the church, library, or the university), I'm thankful to have a place with a roof over my head. I still have not paid my car note. I hope the bank don't report it stolen. The good thing is that I can buy food--lots of food :)

That Thing Called: Self-Esteem

I was so frustrated with myself after church on yesterday. My pastor was preaching on shame and he was saying that when a person is ashamed it's really hard to move forward because shame holds you captive to the past--what you've done. He said that even though many people come to Christ, they are tormented by what they've done and that torment causes shame and shame keeps them tied to their past. When God has forgiven shame will say that you are too bad to be forgiven. I keep going over and over about how I screwed myself up. I was even too ashamed to tell people that I am unemployed. So I got frustrated with myself because I wanted to go up for prayer, but my pride wouldn't let me. Also, I have some issues where I feel like I should be ashamed, especially because I've been in situations where I've hurt some people. I know God forgives and I can pray for them, but just the thought that I was used as a tool to cause a person pain is something that is not easy for me to get over. But in the end, I still have to get over it. The past is the past and I can't change it!! So, I have to let it go and know that I am forgiven and God has forgotten my sins. His word says that as far as the east is from the west, I will remove your sin if you repent and I've done that so there is no reason for me to continue to rehearse it in my mind when God has forgiven. To help me deal with it and all the other issues that I've dealt with, I've decided to write. I love to blog--I've been blogging since 2005 (I have another blog that one day I will link to this one), so I"m going to use this medium to free myself. I started a new blog called "That Thing Called." It will deal with each of the issues that I've had to deal with in my life and how I have and am overcoming them. The first entry was: That Thing Called: Self-Esteem. You can read the blog at That Thing Called...

Loosing the Bands

The Bible says in Isaiah 58 that you are supposed to fast to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burden....

So as our church is fasting, it's not to cause God to change, but it is to cause us to change. While we fast, we pray and spend time in the word of God so that it can be a mirror for us to change. A mirror shows you you--what you look like: if your hair is in place, if there is food on your face, if your clothes are fitting properly, etc. I know the woman who went to the bathroom and came out with her dress stuck in her panties was pretty embarrassed because she didn't look in the mirror. A mirror helps us to correct ourselves so we don't make an embarrassment. That's what the word of God does for us. It shows us us. So as I was reading on the other day, Proverbs 1 came up and God was showing me that he was trying to teach me wisdom in my life, but because I wouldn't listen and I allowed myself to stay entangled with certain things, my life became shambled--in ruins. So, now I want wisdom so that I pick the pieces up and move on with my life, but for some reason, I have not been able to hear God. And Proverbs lets us know that you will seek for her (wisdom) and you won't find her. So, after my tears I prayed to God and asked "now what". I wanted to know "is that it? will I forever be paying for my foolishness?" So, I went on to Isaiah 58 and the first verse I came to said:

Then shalt thou call, and the LORD shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity
Isaiah 58:9 (KJV)

So, now I was crying, but not from sorrow, but from gladness because God said "call and the Lord will answer."

I then looked up the entire chapter of Isaiah 58 and it talks about they hypocrisy of fasting. There are those who fast just to say that they have fasted--to seem more pious. God was warning against that type of attitude. He went on to say that when you fast, you should be loosing the bands of wickedness and undoing the heavy burden...God was saying that this is the fast that will be acceptable to me. "And then you will call, and the Lord shall answer..." So I began examining myself. I want the word of God to convict me so that I can change. I started looking at my attitude.

I've grown up in church, so church is in me, but I have not been holy and righteous all my life. I know church protocol. I know how to behave in church. I didn't grow up with ungodliness around me, so when I became and adult and left the church, I would go out to the club with my friends and I didn't even know how to dance. I knew how to shout in church and in the club I was shouting because that was the movement I knew; I didn't know how to dance to secular music. The church was in me even when I was in the club. But now as an adult, I'm trying to get "church" out of me and holiness and righteousness in me. There is a difference between going to church and being holy. Any body goes to church. The devil go to church. The Bible says the Pharisees and the Saduces went to church and Jesus called them hypocrites. They were so worried about what they looked like, but they didn't care anything about their heart. There are many hypocrites that go to church, but I don't want to be one of those. God was telling me to not be a hypocrite. If I can be holy and righteous, I can call on the Lord and he will answer me.

I NEED GOD TO ANSWER ME!!!! QUICK, FAST, AND IN A HURRY!!!!!

So, even though I was foolish and didn't listen. MY LIFE IS NOT OVER!!!!!
I STILL HAVE A CHANCE to GET IT RIGHT!!

I Thank God for loosing the bands of wickedness over my life so that I can live holy and righteous.

Just Won't Listen!

Don't let this be you!!! I just wouldn't stop and listen and change....

Proverbs 1 The Message Bible

20-21 Lady Wisdom goes out in the street and shouts.
At the town center she makes her speech.
In the middle of the traffic she takes her stand.
At the busiest corner she calls out:

22-24 "Simpletons! How long will you wallow in ignorance?
Cynics! How long will you feed your cynicism?
Idiots! How long will you refuse to learn?
About face! I can revise your life.
Look, I'm ready to pour out my spirit on you;
I'm ready to tell you all I know.
As it is, I've called, but you've turned a deaf ear;
I've reached out to you, but you've ignored me.

25-28 "Since you laugh at my counsel
and make a joke of my advice,
How can I take you seriously?
I'll turn the tables and joke about your troubles!
What if the roof falls in,
and your whole life goes to pieces?
What if catastrophe strikes and there's nothing
to show for your life but rubble and ashes?
You'll need me then. You'll call for me, but don't expect
an answer.
No matter how hard you look, you won't find me.

29-33 "Because you hated Knowledge
and had nothing to do with the Fear-of-God,
Because you wouldn't take my advice
and brushed aside all my offers to train you,
Well, you've made your bed—now lie in it;
you wanted your own way—now, how do you like it?
Don't you see what happens, you simpletons, you idiots?
Carelessness kills; complacency is murder.
First pay attention to me, and then relax.
Now you can take it easy—you're in good hands."

Dreams Dreams Dreams

I had another crazy dream last night. I was married and my husband and I were going out to dinner. Somehow my sister was tagging along. We ended up being seated right next to my friends husband, but he wasn't with his wife. He was with another woman and he was trying to tell us that they were just friends. We were skeptical and things really turned sour when the woman that he was with sat on his lap and he was grabbing her booty. I was furious because his wife was one of my good friends. I decided to tell him about himself and my husband kept telling me that it wasn't my place to say anything. Well, right after I gave him a piece of my mind, our food arrived. We asked the waitress for carry out containers because we didn't want to eat next to the cheater. By the time the waitress came back with our food, we were so angry that we grabbed it and my husband decided to give the food away to other patrons in the restaurant. I was so mad that I dropped the food on the floor. When we left my sister was tagging along and that was it. I woke up. When I woke up, I was trying to go back to sleep to finish the dream.

Crazy Dreams

I've been having some crazy dreams lately. I know that sometimes a dream can be a message from God such as a warning. For example, a couple of years ago I had a dream that I was driving to work down the street that I normally drive down and as I was going through the intersection there was a truck that was running a red light and headed straight for me. Before it hit me, I woke up. I made a mental note to remember the dream so that I could be especially careful the next morning. I got ready for work and as I was driving going down the street, I got right past the intersection and I remembered the dream and my car started fishtailing all over the place. I did a 360 and landed on an embankment in this woman's yard.

The other week when my car was stuck and I had to call a ride for church, I remembered a dream that I had the night before. In the dream, I was telling Jenny that I needed a ride to church and I was leaving with her. However, she gets to church at 8:30 because she's going through the minister's class. I usually get there at 9:30 because service starts at 10am. Well that dream was a warning to me that I would need a ride to church. I just ignored it.

But other times dreams are just imaginations from what a person wants or desires or they can also be torments such as nightmares.


Well, the other night I had a dream and I'm not sure what it was, but it frightened me. I had a dream that I was strangling my mom. I had my hands around her neck and I was so angry that I was choking the life out of her. She wasn't fighting back or anything. It was like she was just letting me choke her. My mom is a large woman and she's taller than me also and the position that I had her in suggested that I had to use a lot of strength and I can remember in the dream that I was really laboring to choke her--I was using all of my strength. I don't know what that was all about, but it scared me so much that I woke up.

Then last night I had a dream about church. There was so much going on it the dream that I can't remember it all, but I was at church.

I don't know what all this means. I pray for clarity.

Ph.D

For a long time, I've wanted to work on my Ph.D and finally on last year, I decided I'm gonna go for it. I applied to the University of Illinois a year early. They have a cohort program for a Ph.d in Public Administration which is what I want to go for. The program accepts students every two years, so the next cohort is Fall 2011. The deadline for applying is March 15 2011. I applied in Spring 2010. The only thing I have to turn in is 3 letters of reference. Who can I get those from? Hhhhhhmmmmmmmm. I'm gonna go to my former department chair and ask him because he was gonna write me one before. I'm gonna also go to my boss that I volunteer with and then I'm gonna see if I could have one of my co-workers write me one. The only other thing I have to figure out is how to pay for it. I don't want anymore student loans. I have about $45,000 in student loans. I NEED NO MORE!!! I'm gonna apply for a graduate assistantship because that will cover my tuition and give me a living stipend. If I could work for the university, my tuition would be free. I'll be trusting God for this one!!

Horrible Rash

I finally got a new used tire after a month of riding around on a donut. Praise God. I was about to give up because everywhere I went, no one had the size I needed. I was told that my tires are "low profile" and not many cars have them, so finding a used one was difficult. I finally found one at Fishers, but he wanted $40 so I told him that I wanted it, but I only had $30 that a girl at church gave me to get the tire, so I told him that I was going to get an extra $10. By the time I got back to his shop later that day, it was sold. Bummer. I told the girl at church that I was just gonna give her her money back and I would buy a new one on next week when I get paid. On my way to the office at church I decided to stop at the shop right by my church. I was told about this shop, but I didn't go there first because I wasn't sure about him. They way it was described, it sounded like a shoddy place, so I didn't think about it until now. This was my last resort and he had the tire. I asked him "how much" and he said $30 and I told him that's exactly what I had. He put it on for me in a flash and told me that he had more. I told him that next week I should be getting paid, so I could come get the two front tires replaced because they are bald. Thank GOD!!!!

The last week or so I've been battling a horrible rash. It started when I was sleeping in my car. I woke up one morning and my boobs were itching and there were all this little bumps. I didn't know what it was. After about a week, it went away. Well, it's come back and it's worse than before. I researched and found that I have a fungal rash that is caused by sweat. I guess when I was in my car, I had so many layers of clothes that I would sweat underneath my breast. Well, now I'm sweating under my breast because the heat is turned down at night, so I've layered myself with blankets. Now the rash has come back. It's horrible because it has even spread to between my breast. I was reading that I could buy antifungal powder and that will help it, but I don't have the money to buy it yet. So, I've been showering and using baking soda underneath my breast. The baking soda seems to help it feel better. I also keep paper town under my breast to stop any sweating. I"m gonna try antiperspirant under there because I've also read that that works. I hope something works because going around itching all day is the pits.

In other news....

I pulled my credit report on yesterday. I wasn't trying to. A friend of mine was trying to get hers because she is filing for bankruptcy and she was told to get her credit report. As I was trying to help her over the phone, I had to go through the online application and I got mine. It's not bad. Yes, my car loan is 90 days past due, but my student loan isn't. The only other thing on there is a charge from my former landlord--the rent that I owe him. There were no hospital bills and Ameren has not turned me in, so as long as I take care of those things before they report the, I'm good. I worked hard in the past to clean up my bills, but the last two years have taken me back down. I'll just have to work on it some more. I want to make sure my name is good so that when I buy a house, I won't have any trouble. My credit score used to be about 700. I"m not sure what it is now. I hope it's not below 600.

I really want to sell my car. I owe about $6000 on it and I'm not sure if I can sell it for that much. I'm gonna put an ad on craiglist to see if I can get rid of it. That will help me out a lot because I won't have to worry about trying to pay that expense, then the only thing I'd have to focus on is my student loan.

God is Awesome!!

Fasting

Today was the start of our 21 day fast. I'm halfway through the first day. It's not been bad. I'm used to fasting, so there was not much shock to my body. For some reason I've had gas all day. I have absolutely no idea why. I haven't eaten anything besides a handful of cashews around 1pm today and I've drank some juice that was diluted with water. I don't know if this is leftover gas from all the fiber I've eaten the last couple of days because eating all that fiber had me quite bloated and gaseous. A friend of mine told me about colon hydrotherapy. She said that she does it about twice a year. I've been reading about it and it's sounds interesting. I've heard of colon cleansing done by water enemas, but this is a technique using the, "Angel of Water." It's sounds heavenly, but I was quite confused as to how it worked until I saw the video animation and then saw a video of a guy doing it on youtube. It was quite interesting. If I had some money I'd try it. Surely my system needs to be cleansed thoroughly after all the junk I've eaten over the last few months. I never want another hot dog, I don't care how good they say Coney dogs are, I don't want one.

It's close to 7pm and we can eat then. I'm gonna go to walmart to see if I can get some cream of mushroom soup to go with my chicken and green beans. I don't want to go to the store, but I want to follow the instructions. So off I go. I'm gonna pick up some peppermint tea also because my throat is hurting. I"m coming down with a cold.

21 Days

Every new year my pastor calls the church to a 21 day fast. We don't go totally without food, we fast until 7pm daily with instructions on what to do throughout the day as such as prayer, drinking fruit and vegetable juice and as much water. This year, our fast has started early. We usually start the second week in January, but this year, we are starting a week early, so our fast starts tomorrow. I wasn't quite prepared, but I guess I have no choice.

Last year's fast was awesome until I ran into Coach and screwed myself up. This year I'm going to be focused!! I have to be because I won't move forward if I don't!!!

Happy New Year!!!!

God has blessed me to see a New Year!!! So many possibilities!!! I went to church this evening and we had such a good time that I kept telling God that I didn't want that feeling to end. You know the feeling--where everything seems to make sense, where even though you may be struggling, it's okay because it won't be like that always. You know the feeling--where you know that you have someone there to lean on, yeah that feeling to know that someone has your back and won't let you fall!!! It's a feeling of joy, it's a feeling of peace, it's a feeling of love! I don't want that to stop. The Bible says, the joy of the Lord is my strength. That's the feeling--the feeling that I know that I am strong enough to get through not just this, but every other thing that comes my way!! Joy that tells me that I'm gonna make it.

For a minute, "my foot almost slipped". At one point, I almost gave up, going through this and not having anyone to talk to--to lean on for support, it almost took me out, but I made it. God kept me, He kept my mind when I almost lost it from being in a crazy relationship, He kept me through it all. Not only did He keep me, He was with me, THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!! There's an old song that James Moore used to sing and it says, "He was there all the time." At one point that song was ringing in my spirit as a reminder that even though I didn't have a person to turn to, God was with me!!!!

God showed me tonight that He was there and is still there. While in service, my pastor called and offering and he asked that everyone give $20.11 in representation of the new year. I told God, I didn't have it. Then my pastor said that if you don't have that give $2.11. I told God that I had that, but it was in my coat in the office. I was getting ready to make a mad dash to the office, when Gwen gave me $20 to put in the offering. Thank God!! He was showing me that He was with me--that He is with me.

After service we had breakfast I sat at the first table and right before leaving one of the girls--Yvonne asked me if I got my tired fixed. I told her that I hadn't. We joked about it and I told her that I didn't have any money to get a new used tire. She said that she would get me a new used tire. She took down the information and said she would call them to pay for it. God was letting me "I got you!!! I'm with you. While you are in the pit, I'm with you." My pastor's wife talked about how Joseph was thrown in the pit by his brothers to be sold into slavery and not only was God with him, but God was teaching Joseph how to discern because when he was in the pit, he didn't know where he was going or he couldn't see anything because it was dark and that was the time God was teaching him--God was preparing him for his future!!! God is preparing me for my future. He just needs to work all the pride out of me and I need to learn discernment so that I can be sensitive to what God is telling me. If God says "go right" I want to go right and not have to wonder if that's God telling me or if that's me telling me. Joseph, in the end ruled all of Egypt!!!!!!! But he did it with INTEGRITY and FORGIVENESS. He had to have integrity to run the kingdom. He was so integrious that when Potiphars wife wanted to sleep with him, he wouldn't do it. I"m sure he probably could have done it and maybe even gotten away with it a few times, but he had enough integrity to say that he couldn't sin against God. He then had to walk in forgiveness to be able to help his brothers, the same brothers that sold him into slavery. He walked in forgiveness so much that he cried when they came asking for food.

So, I thank God for being there for me and I'm going to take this season in my life to grow in my faith and to learn discernment because GOD HAS NOT FORSAKEN ME!!!!

Happy 2011=Expectancy & Transitioning!!