God Is ALWAYS RIGHT

When I met Gov guy, I didn't think anything special. However, when we planned our first date and it didn't happen, I started wondering...hmmmm. "Maybe this is what God wants." But, we continued to talk and plan to meet.

Now I KNOW that this isn't God. Anytime being with someone thrust you back into the past, it's not good. And that's what happened with Gov guy. We spent Christmas together and I stayed that night. In the moment it was great, and he's been on my mind ever since. I haven't been able to shake the experience, but now I know why. In my mind I'm a little girl again and that thought brought me to tears this morning.

Will the memories EVER stop?

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.....Galatians 5:1

Stamina

I've been through a lot. But this year I declared a new beginning over my life and declarations and decrees made in faith is legislation in the kingdom of God. Yes, it was a rocky road but I'm finishing strong and I thank God for joy as I close this year!!  God amazes me. I fail and I do

wrong but His love NEVER fails me. His love is so powerful that it keeps me going. His love fuels me and I want to give that back to Him. I want to use this fuel to serve Him with my life!!

I don't know what 2017 holds for me, but I'm going to move this life forward...

I've got a few book ideas....

Woman meets a man, they sleep together and she get's pregnant. This is a man of wealth, but he dies before he knows that he has conceived and the woman has to fight for her child's inheritance from this man's family. She is dragged through the court system and 5 long years later she finally is awarded what she needs to be able to take care of this man's child.

A woman is struggling to make ends meet after being laid off from her job. She stumbles across a family history and realizes that she has a legacy of business in her family, so she uses the wisdom of her ancestors to gain success.

Back To The Drawing Board...Don't Count Me Out

I met Gov guy about a month ago on POF. At first I wasn't so impressed, but after talking to him for some weeks now I'm feeling him. The problem is, I don't think he's the one.When I checked him out further, he seems really good on paper--good job, great father, attractive and at least he goes to church. He makes a LOT of money...but I'm not that attracted to him. Yes, he's attractive, but not to me. We spent Christmas together and it wasn't a good idea. I put myself in a position to be tempted and temptation got the best of me. And now THAT is on my mind all the time. Now I gotta fight these thoughts. God, forgive me. Help me...

I want to be married, but I can't be with a man. As a matter of fact when we were TOGETHER I just kept thinking about old stuff and old men and old experiences. That is NOT good. I need God to ERASE all this OLD stuff so that I can be new again!!!!

The Best ------- Ever

God really knows what He's doing. I mean he made a man who knows exactly how to make me scream. God, please forgive me for my sins. I won't do it again but dang did he do me good. Normally I love a big one, not too big...and mostly that satisfies but his was small-could fit in my mouth perfectly.  But smallness didn't bother me one bit because the head was amazing. Like 3 BIG O's amazing.

God forgive me for my sins. I won't do it again.  But dag Gov guy has a mouth and tongue that makes me scream.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iXvy8ZeCs5M

I Was Arrested

I met this guy....I'll call him GG because he works for the government. I met him on POF. We chatted then started texting. We finally made plans to meet today. He lives about 2 hours away near the air forms base so we made plans to meet half way in Efingham to go to Indy. He's been having a cultural shock coming to Illinois. He's originally from Baltimore and he's worked at the Pentagona and the White House after his military duties were completed. Now he works on the Base here in Illinois. I was gonna show him a good time. He texted me at 8am and we were sposed to meet at 8:30. I made it to the Wal-Mart and sat....and sat....and sat....He didn't show up. I texted and called and called and called.

I started praying and praying and praying. My mind was thinking the worst. I had an appointment in Indy for 1, but I needed to change it to 4 because I was so late leaving. On the way he called me around 2pm.

"Where are you?" He asked. "WHERE ARE YOU?" I asked trying not to scream. "You won't believe this...I was arrested."

OMG!!!!!!

Basically, right after he texted me he got pulled over by the police. He was speeding. They ran his plates. And nothing happened. Then...another police showed up. Then another.

He said he got scared.....

A black man getting stopped by a police officer can turn fatal quickly.

Finally, all three got out of their vehicles and stood behind his car. He said he had his hands in clear sight and he didn't want to make any sudden moves. He saw me calling him, but didn't want to answer his phone because he didn' t want them to think he had a gun.

Then, one office went to the driver's side, one went to the passengers side, and one stayed in the back. He said he was SO SCARED. The officer told him that he was driving a stolen vehicle. He gave them his license that showed him that he was registered tot he vehicle. They were confused and so was he. They asked him to get out the car. He complied. They put him in the back seat of the squad car while they searched his vehicle. He even had his briefcase with him that had the title of the car. They ran everything, but didn't know why the car was nationally registered as stolen. They told him that they were going to have to arrest him.

He got to the police station and he said they treated him nicely, but he was so confused. They impounded his car and would not give him his phone. He finally got to make a phone call and the only number he knew was his job. So he called someone at work to come get him. He was able to get his car out of impound and they told him he needed to go to court.

He finally called me around 2pm and he told me the story which was SO CONFUSING. I didn't understand at all.

When we got off the phone he called MDPD to get answers.

He called me back about an hour later,.,,This is what happened....

In August he reported a license plate on his pickup truck as stolen because someone had stolen the front plate. Somehow the paperwork got entered in the computer as a stolen vehicle and since he has two vehicles registered to him, they got confused and listed both vehicles as stolen. So they were on a national registry as being stolen. And because it was in the system they had to arrest him. They didn't know what was going on and he didn't know what to tell them.

So, now here I was in Indy by myself just baffled. This was the second date with a guy that was cancelled due to uncontrollable circumstances.....

Am I not supposed to be dating in this season???

It's Christmas and I don't want to be alone. God HELP!!

Yet So Far Away

I made an offer on a house....1264 square feet, .46 acres of land, 2 bedroom, 1.5 car garage, huge family room with beautiful fire place.....$41,500. The house was built in 1950 and the carpet and the bathroom and kitchen shows it, but I really like the house. It is in a beautiful neighborhood on a quiet street. We did an inspection and I knew the house needed a roof, but I got some bad news from my realtor. He said that since the roof is in such bad shape, the appraiser will probably not approve the house for my loan....

WHAT?

Yes, I don't know how it works, but I am willing to pay to get the roof repaired, but if the appraiser doesn't approve it, the bank won't approve the loan. I don't get the house. So the option I have is to request that the seller fix the roof.

OMG.....

I was so excited about my house and I have saved about $5000 and all I need for the closing on January 13 is about $5500 which I will have.

God, help!!

I NEED them to fix this roof so that I can move. I don't know what to do!!!

I Can't Say How I Really Feel

I'm a little emotional. I don't believe in superstitions AT ALL, but last week I wrote this post because it was just funny....

I get this news today on FB from my sister...

Oh wow. So I'm emotional. I'm happy for her....a little concerned, but happy still. But, I'm also a little sad because I always see people passing me by and it's a little frustrating and I feel like I can't really talk about it because it's stupid to be sad because someone has something that you want. It's not jealousy that I feel, just sad....

And I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to feel sad. All babies come from God no matter how they got here. So I need to be happy for her. I'm going to travel to Ohio to see her soon and I want to take a gift. She said the baby is due July 8. I hope she has a baby shower!!

Expiration Date

There is a purpose for an expiration date. When milk goes bad, it goes bad and there is nothing you can do about it except throw it out. This is the same for the seasons we go through in life. The Bible talks about 2 seasons-seed time and harvest. The Bible then tells us that after Jesus was tempted, Satan left him for a season. There was an expiration date for the temptation and Satan had to leave.

2016 was a year of restoration for me...He restores my soul and I thank God for the restoration. And my season of bondage is OVER!!

I'm looking forward to next year and all that God has for me!!

They Say When You Dream About Fish

I had this dream that I gave a friend of mine a fish tank with some fish in it. We are talking about the fish and there were two tanks with different types of fish in it. The tanks were small and one had several different fish in it. The other only had a few. But, the funny thing is that the fish kept jumping out of the tank. We had to pick them up off the floor to put them back in. Then one tank had a lot of lady bugs and snails around it trying to get it. It was an interesting dream.

They say that when you have dreams about fish, somebody in the family is pregnant.

Well, it's not me for sure....hmmmm.

I'm Not Buying That House

I looked at a house on yesterday. Actually I looked at 4 houses in about an hour. Not what I like to do, but that was our time frame...anyway. I liked the house. I liked that location. I had my realtor run the numbers for me. He gave me call to warn me about one of the houses that I was interested in...

"It's going fast, " he said. "It's priced way under market and there is an open house on Sunday, so you if you want it, you need to make an offer now."

I hadn't looked at the info he sent me and I wasn't going to be bullied into just buying a house. so looked at the numbers he sent me. I would need almost $5000 to close.

That's the problem.

I have $3500.

So, even thought I like the house, I don't have the money. However, I was still contemplating and praying, but as I was sleep I had a dream that I was at the house putting up some type of structure in the front yard. It was night time. I heard a large mob coming down the street and they were after me, so before I was able to put the structure up, I took off my hat (IDK why) and ran the other way. The only thing I could think of to get away from the mob and hide was to stuff myself into my neighbor's bushes as they ran towards me. Before they got to me, and before they torched my house I woke up with fear in my heart.

WHAT IS GOING ON?

I don't know what all that means, but I'm staying away from that house. I was gonna go to the open house on Sunday to see the response of the people, but I pass.

I'm still stuck on my Camelot house. That is the one that I want and I want it for $45,000, not $48,500 that I offered and definitely not $53,000 that she is wanting.

God, help me, please!!

I Don't Like This Game

Ugh....so I'm looking for a house again.

I don't like this game at all. I want to find a house, do an appraisal and pay that price and move on. I don't want to try to figure out what the house is worth, then make and offer, then have the offer be countered then decide if I want to go with that offer. Geez. Can we cut the crap? Who came up with these rules?

It is so much easier to know what a house is appraised at then make an offer from there. Why do we have to play these games.

The seller did not accept my offer of $48,500 so I started looking elsewhere. Now I'm looking at a house listed at $64,000. I want to offer $55,000 and not pay more than $58,000. The estimated appraisal is $59,000. So how do they list it at $64,000? Also, the house has no hook ups for laundry. So that means I have to hire a plumber and an electrician to get my house laundry ready. Also, the back yard is CRAP. There are two trees that definitely need to come down. One bad ice storm and those power lines are coming down. So I need to avoid that. And there is no grass in the back yard. Just crappy weeds. It is not a bbq friendly back yard.

Lord, what am I gonna do. I really really really want a home for Christmas.

God, help me!!

In other news....

I'm dating again. And guess who has contacted me? This guy. And I was grinning ear to ear until I reread this post. I can't remember what I called him, so I will call him John Deere guy because he works for John Deere. Well, we are making plans to go to dinner on Saturday night. But, after reading this post I remember why it didn't go any further. It is nice to go out with a guy, but I don't think it will go anywhere. Dang it.

I also met another guy who lives in my city. He's a personal trainer and boy is he something!! I want him to train me in a lot of ways!!!

Willing To Walk Away

Walking away is hard....

When I went on my first date with Mister in 2003, I knew that he was not the guy for me. I was sitting in Steak-n-Shake and we were talking. I think I said something like, 'I love God," and he replied. I believe in God, but it's Jesus that I have a problem with. At that moment my only thought was to get up and leave.

But, I didn't have the courage.

Courage is something that I NEED in my life.

One thing that I can say that molestation and sexual abuse has caused me is this inferiority and cowardice. No one likes a coward. No one likes to be labeled a coward, but I deal with that often. I have had a hard time standing up for myself and standing up for what is right. I didn't walk away and it caused hell in my life. There were quite a few times in my life when I needed the fortitude to stand and I crumbled and I suffered immensely.

Well, courage is staring me in the face now.

I made an offer of $48,500 on the house that I want and I had a contractor come look at it with me. He said that was a good offer and that I shouldn't go any higher. He then encouraged me and told me that everything that I want to do in the house will cost about $5000. That is exciting!!

So, I'm going to use my courage and stick to my offer and I'm going to walk away if she doesn't want to accept it.

Thank God for the fortitude!!

$500 Earnest Money

What a journey I'm on. No one really tells you specifics about things like buying a home. I just had to drop off $500 of what's called earnest money to the realtor. I made and offer on the house that I want, but I'm second guessing that offer. I have no idea what I'm doing and I don't like this game. When I researched the house, it was sold in 2000 for about $26,000. I know homes are supposed to appreciate, so when I saw that she wanted $56,000 for the house, I was thinking that I could offer about $40,000. But the realtor did some numbers and he wasn't supposed to tell me what to offer, but when we looked at the market in the area, we estimated that the house would appraise at around $48,000, so I offered $48,500. The seller has countered with $53,000. I don't want to to pay that amount because after talking to a few people I should have offered $40,000 and then went up from there and settled around $45 or $48. Now I'm stuck.

God, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm taking a contractor with me from church tomorrow to see the house again and I think I"m going to stick with my offer of $48,500 and if she doesn't want it I want to move on. I found another house, the the taxes are double what I would pay for the house I want.

I don't like this game and I haven't found anything else that I really like.

What do I like?

I want something kind of small, but not big, with a smallish yard in a quiet area. That's what I want. And I don't want to pay more than $50,000 for it.

Father, help me!!

Speak To Me, PLEASE!!

I am on a journey....I've NEVER been here before and I have no experience on this road. I have no idea what I'm going to encounter and I have no idea if I'll make it.

That can cause anxiety and fear. But, I'm not going to fear. We've been learning about the Holy Spirit at church and on Tuesday night, the man of God talked about fear and anxiety.

I will not fear!!

But, I am concerned. NOT worried, just concerned.

I'm buying a house. Yep, I applied to two banks and to Quicken Loans and I've been pre-approved. My landlord told me two weeks ago that she's selling her share of the business so she will not be my landlord anymore and she told me that the owners would probably want me to sign a new lease. I DO NOT want to do that. So, I started the home buying experience by applying for a loan.

My bank pre approved me, but said that I would need about $8000 at closing. I applied at another bank that does a first time home buyer program that loans up to $5000 for a down payment. I don't qualify because of my income. So I applied to Quicken Loans and they said I would need about 3% as a down payment. They didn't say anything else about closing cost. But, I know that is needed.

So I went to see two houses....I didn't LOVE either, but I could see myself in both. But, one house needs some cosmetic work. Nothing big...new carpets, paint on the walls, updated cabinetry in the kitchen, etc. The other house is move in ready. Both houses were list around the same price $57,000.

I will be getting an inspection to determine if there is anything wrong.

I made an offer $48,500 on the house that needs cosmetic.

My lender doesn't want me to go with Quicken Loans. I'm gonna be bold and ask why not. So, I'm not going to go with my bank because I dont' have $8000. But, I do have $2700 and I get paid on the 28th. In my contract it says that I need a good faith amoung of $500. I have that.

The bank hasn't did the final approval yet because they didn't have my paperwork, but I sent what I could today.

So my overall concern is how much money I need. I was told that I can't use mattress money. LOL unless I can explain where the money came from. My bank wants $8000 that I don't have, so it looks like I'm going with the other bank if they can get me a lower cash amount. I can do about $4000 total.

Father, I need help with this....

The Latter House

I have lived for 39 years in bondage. Yes, I have been saved by faith through grace, but my eyes were not opened. I was blind to the word of God.

I thank God for opening my blind eyes.

The Bible talks about the glory of the latter house being greater than the glory of the former house. It says that because when Solomon built the first temple, he had tons of money and the temple was so beautiful. But, when he built the second temple, it wasn't as beautiful, but the spirit of God was there. So the glory was greater.

God, I pray that my latter years are GREATER than my former years. Now that I understand my freedom and my authority. I want to walk in EVERY blessing that God has promised to me, personally. I want to walk in the blessings of my forefathers...my great great great great great grandfather. He was a wonderful business man and he amassed over 600 acres of land in Tennessee and he passed that land down to his children.

Today, we only have about 100 acres of land left, but I know who God is. I want to bring Him glory with this life.

My BODY

The light bulb turned on today as I was in services. My Apostle said, "out bodies are a shack before Christ, but with Christ it becomes a cathedral," and when I heard this it made sense.

I have been struggling with my body for a long time!! 

I was molested at age 3 and that led to incest up until I was in the 4 grade. I had no idea or rather, I had no concept of what sex was, but I was doing it and my body felt good doing it. I also had no concept that it was wrong until we were caught. As I got to be a teenager, I discovered masturbation and again didn't understand how it affected my body. This led to a promiscuous lifestyle for a long time which led to me having a hard time controlling my body.

As I decided to give my life over to Christ I felt an enormous weight of guilt because Christ came to make me free, but I was a slave to what my body wanted to do. How can I be free and a slave at the same time. There was a great incongruence and this causes me great anxiety. I would pray and pray and pray to God and I would tell God that I wanted my body to bring him glory. 

The Bible tells us that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Ghost. But, because of my sexual sin I couldn't keep my temple clean. Unlawful sex keeps the temple dirty. And I was so guilt ridden. But, I would just pray and stand on the word of God and fall and pray and fall and pray and fall and pray again. 

But, the thing about is this...I kept getting up!! A righteous mans falls 7 times....

So, this is encouragement!!

As the year is coming to a close I was fretting because this was a year of BREAKTHROUGH for me, but my breakthrough in the spirit had not come...

The old saints used to say we have to wait on our change to come. My change had not come until today!!

As the man of God was teaching on the Holy Ghost, I began to understand who God is and how He has given me the Holy Ghost to help me and this spirit of God lives on the inside of me--my temple--God's temple. I know, I know, I know....I read the scripture over and over about how when we participate in unlawful sex, we sin against our bodies. But the revelation is this....my body is not my own. God gave it to me to live on this earth. So, since I accepted Christ then I belong to Him. I'm just a steward over this body. I have to treat it like a temple. I can't treat it like a shack.

WOW!!

Now as the year is coming to a close, I feel like I have my strength to FINISH STRONG and to walk in my newness!!

FINISH STRONG!!

I started feeling a little down because I declared this year to be a year of revolution for me and I began to have these negative thoughts about how the revolution is not happening...I mean, yes, I lost about 30 pounds and I feel better in my body and I attended counseling to deal with sexual abuse in my past...but spiritually, I wasn't really seeing a change. I am a spirit....but I live in this body and my spirit needed to be changed and I wasn't seeing that change. As a matter of fact I was confused about my spirit. But, God is such a faithful God. The Bible says in Job 22:28, "You will decide and decree a thing, and it will be established...." I made the decision that my life would change this year, but I got to November and I was slipping back into depression. I wasn't doing well with maintaining my weight loss and I was feeling the weight of my past. It was like the devil was gripping my heart and mind again. But God is a God of BREAKTHROUGH and this year I'm going to FINISH STRONG!!

As the song says, "I feel like I can make it..."

Surprisingly, I'm Good!

I shouldn't be surprised at all because God is just GOOD LIKE THAT!!!

I say that because I was bummed on yesterday because I tried a business idea and it was crap. Really crap and I kept telling myself it was all good and the Holy Spirit did the rest and I'm not bothered by the failure.  Thank God!! In times past, I would let it depress me, but God is good. As a matter of fact, I'm glad I failed at that-it was a new popcorn flavor idea-because it lets me know what I'm NOT good at.

LEAVE THE FOOD IDEAS TO THE COOKS!

I can cook, but I'm NOT a cook. There is a difference!! So THANKS BE UNTO GOD WHO ALWAYS CAUSES ME TO TRIUMPH!!

Why Do We Judge?

The Bible tells us not to judge. I've always understood, but I really get it now. I'm in Nashville, TN attending the Business Boutique and I have been doused with information and love from God. I thought I was just here to get some information and inspiration to get this business off the ground. I didn't know God was going use this venue to "get me out of myself."

You see, I get anxious and a little depressed when I'm stuck. Especially when I see people moving all around me. Dave Ramsey told us that we are what we think. And sometimes I just don't think right and it get's me stuck in the mud. But, God knows me and He loves me and He always has a way to get me UNSTUCK.

So, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at this conference.

The BIG QUESTION and statement running through my head was, "How am I going to do this?" and "I can't do this."

I went to my breakout session with Crystal Paine. When she started I was feeling like, "oh boy...here we go...." I wasn't really feeling her at first. I don't know why, but I judge her from the moment she started talking. As a matter of fact, I was thinking that I needed to leave because I didn't think she had anything that she could say to me that I would benefit from. One of the reason I was thinking that was because I didn't really want to sign up for her class. I mean, I want to make money, but I didn't think that her topic was going to help me, but I was forced to sign up.

I WAS WRONG!!

THIS CHICK is AMAZING!!!!

Not only did she tell us how she did it. She gave the glory to God!! Then at the end she told her testimony of the great fear God helped her overcome!!

WOW!!

At the end of the conference I was a little tired. I mean I drove all the way from central IL to Nashville, then to Boliver and back to Nashville, all in one day. So the day was getting long. I was thinking that the last session of the day was going to be a waste.

NOPE!!!

Cristine Caine from A21 preached to us!!  OMG, I wanted to just sit there and cry. She ministered to us so.

Now I'm in this quandary because I've heard God and when we hear, we have to respond and be obedient.

Thank You God for being obedient!!

Laser Hair Removal and Second Chances

So it's almost November in an election year. I've already voted (I always vote early) and this year is just flying by. 

I started laser hair removal the first week of June. I bought two groupons for two different places because I knew that the hair on my chiny chin chin was going to be difficult. My hormones are screwy so I knew that it was going to take more than just the suggested 5-6 sessions. So far I'm on my 6th treatment this week and I've only lost about a small patch of hair. I've got 5 more sessions and if those don't go well, I'm going to see about this place in Chicago that looks promising. 

I've been doing all of this-laser hair removal, weight loss, therapy because I declared that this year was going to be a year of recovery for me!!

I heard the word from God in January and I grabbed and held on to it, but the last few weeks have been trying. I've been reverting a little and I don't want to go backwards. So far I've lost about 30 lbs and I'm happy about that, but I did it with a certain motivation. Now that motivation is waning and I need a boost. I joined a 6 month dietbet to help with my motivation, but it's not helping this month. I actually lost money this month and that bothered me. 

But, this is the thing about God....He sees me and knows what I need!!

For the month of September I fasted and prayed (more fasting than prayer) because I was working on two grants for a nonprofit. These two grants were kind of like a redemption because one of the grants was for an after school program that I failed to turn in on time back in 2009. That was a devastating failure. I stayed in the bed for days, I was so hurt. Especially since I worked so hard.

But, this time we got it turned in a day early.

Those two grants kind of kept me on my toes. But, then I started eating like crap and I've contacted Mister because I was feeling lonely. I've also reverted in my mind to pervertido ways which made me sad. So, the only thing that I could do is pray to God for help because I don't have the .... to help myself.  

So, I was in church yesterday and I decided to just look up another grant that I failed to turn in in 2011. Yep, the RFP is available and it's due November 28. Redemption!!

Thank You God for second chances and do overs!!  I feel a motivation!!

Not This Time

Yes, I thought that maybe he was the one...

He's educated...working on going back to college to get a Ph.d. He loves God, but I think God gives us the wisdom to choose who we want to share our lives with. There are those people who say that they saw someone and just knew that they were going to marry them and it was everlasting love.

There are those people who say that, "God told me that you are my spouse," and sometimes they are right...sometimes they aren't. I had a guy tell me that and he was already married to someone else.

WOW!!

When I first saw Mister, the only thing I thought was, "Who is he?" I was smitten by him. But, it wasn't love at first sight. It was simply my spirit connecting with his spirit, but the thing is...I had to wrong spirit at that time. He told me that that was the same thing he thought about me when he first saw me.

I want that again, but I don't want it to be the wrong spirit!

I can't afford...at this age to meet someone who is not the right one. So, all the butterflies in my stomach and the giddy behavior when I meet a man doesn't mean that he's the one for me.

When Ro and I talked, he said he wanted his children to go to boarding school. At first I thought he was joking, but he was for real. So that let me know right there. He's not the one for me because my children aren't going to boarding school. I guess I should ask him why he wants that, but really if that is something he wants, then I respect that and I just know that he's not it.

So, I guess I'm expressing all this because I have two friends who have lost mothers in the past two weeks. Both are a few years older than me...one has been married and has 4 chldren, but one is single and has never been married, and does not have children. At the funeral for my single friend everyone kept talking about how her mother wanted her to get married. Then at the other funeral the preacher talked about TIME and how God has given us this time, but what are we gonna do with it and how relationships are so important. He then mentioned that everyone wants to have someone to share their life with and that touched me because it is so true.

I want so badly for someone to share my life with. Not to replace God or the Holy Spirit, but when I want to go to the movies, I don't want to always have to go by myself or when I want to go on vacation, I don't want to always have to be alone. I spend so much time alone and I'm tired of it.

I'm not looking for someone to be my everything, just someone to share this life with and to procreate with!!

Hear my cry oh Lord!!

Upgrade You

"Don't ever marry down," is what my spiritual father said as he was teaching us one Tuesday night. That has stuck with me! I have never heard anyone say that. I mean, I know that I don't want no scrub, but the way he put it really hit my spirit. And I've been evaluating things as I'm dating and meeting new guys.

I met this one guy, Ro, who says he's a Pastor. I will say that I did question that, not in a judgmental way, but in a way that God says we have to know them that labor among us. As the weeks were going by with us getting to know each other, I just saw some things in him that I didn't like about myself. I know that sounds strange, but have you ever met someone who is a mirror image of you? His behavior was showing me, me and it wasn't that I doubted his call, I just didn't like what I saw--the spirit he carried. It wasn't that he didn't have the spirit of God, but sometimes we can be prideful and we can be insecure and that's what I saw in him which showed me, me.

Last year God dealt with me about pride and I thought that I had humbled myself, but when I saw the way he was behaving and how the way he was behaving was the way I was, it really showed me the spirit of pride. And I thank God for showing me that!! Then the insecurity was that he named himself as a Pastor, but when he was advertised he was advertised as Overseer. I don't know all the church terminology, and again I'm not being judgmental, just venting somethings....but when a person is a Pastor, they have a church, I think. But, I asked him about his church. He said he didn't have a church. Then I asked him what church he belonged to and he said he didn't belong to a church, but that he was a Pastor over an interdenominational fellowship. Ok. It took me a while to understand. But as I was questioning him it started reminding me of myself when I was unsure of my place at my job. I work at a job that is confidential and I was highly unsure of myself, so I would say things to try to justify myself, but really I was insecure. So, that is what he reminded me of.

He may quite well be secure in himself, but when I looked at him and how he even behaved around my family, I felt embarrassed because of his behavior.

Taking him around my family was a mistake, but God needed me to see me and my pride.

Anyway, this post is not about him, but about how as God is still working on my, I am looking for someone who can upgrade me. I don't know someone who is just like me. I don't need someone who is behind me, I need a confident man of God who is in front of me and can speak somethings to me.

Pastor Myles Monroe talks about how the man is supposed to cultivate the woman.

Vision

I was sitting in church today as the Elder was preaching and I just had to flash of a dream about an after school program. I currently writing a grant for it. I pray that the will of God be done as I complete this project. In Jesus name, Amen!

My Mirror

"You need to be who you want to attract," that's what my mom told me when I told her the fiasco that happened with Mister in February.

I've been working on me. Since January, I made it my goal to get my life--get me together. But, I met this guy and he is the first guy that I've met like him. I'm not thinking about the Pastor stuff he's talking about, but about him wanting a like for Christ. I haven't met a guy like that. So, I invited him to my uncle's fish fry for Labor Day.

And I was embarrassed.

He showed up and before he got out the car he said, "I'm not gonna tell them I'm a Pastor..." I was happy because it was already enough telling them we met online. As soon as I introduced him to my mom and cousin, the grilling started and it wasn't so nice. As the day progressed my cousin continued to grill him and finally at the dinner table he said, "I'm a Pastor...." Then went on to talk about his Bishop and how they could call him and he would say how good of a guy he was.

I was a bit embarrassed. I mean, he said he wasn't going to say anything. Then he tried to make a joke when they asked him about his church. He said he was a Jehovah's Witness. The whole kitchen erupted. Then then there was joking about how he was a Mormon and a Deacon. I did enjoy talking to him, but I was embarrassed and I told him that now he wasn't gonna have to live down the joke and despite what he tells them, they are going to give him a hard time.

Well, as the time has gone by and I've been praying about him, I came to the realization that I have attracted exactly who I am. What he displayed to me on that day at my Uncle's and even the first time we talked was the fact that he was a bit prideful. It wasn't that he said what he said, but it was HOW he said it.

And that reminded me of me....


He's my mirror. And it's NOT pretty!!

So, God, I thank you for showing me the pride that is still in my life!! I pray that that spirit, that stronghold is removed from my life, in Jesus name. Amen!!

God is Tryna Tell Me Something

So, this guy that I met, I've been talking to him to check him out, even tough the whole Pastor thing is not impressive. But, I had this dream and he told me that he had diverticulitis and he needs to have surgery. So I had this dream that he was in the hospital getting his surgery, but before the surgery he was cutting people's hair. I was in the waiting room just watching TV wondering why he was cutting people's hair. A doctor came in and looked at my really funny. I chided, "It's just mindless TV," and he walked out. Then I woke up.

In the dream God showed me that in the face of stress, instead of running to God, I want to put my head in the sand and not think about it. But, there are some people, in the face of stressful situations who will continue to, "be about my father's business," 

That encouraged me. I didn't tell Ro about the dream. Note sure if I need to. It wasn't about him.

Sit Your Butt Down Somewhere

So I met this guy on POF and when I first talked to him, I was quite unsure. We emailed at first, but then when he called me it was a brief conversation. He said something about being a businessman-owning his own business, and then he said he was a Pastor.

Ok.

We later texted and decided to meet up at Applebees for some amazing chicken wonton tacos. He is super tall-6'7", but we had a good time talking and then went to see Florence Foster Jenkins. It was a funny movie. We met again the next day and he told me that he was going to be near me to visit a church so we decided to meet after I got out of church. We ate again and then went to see Southside With Me. Excellent movie!!

The problem is, I asked him about his church and he said he didn't really have a church.

Ok...what Pastor doesn't have a church.

Is it like me being a teacher--I'm a teacher, but I haven't formally, professionally taught since 2010? So I asked him if he belonged to a church and he said that he didn't belong to a church, but was the overseer of a ministry called Fresh Fire which is a fellowship of churches. And his job is to recruit churches to the fellowship.

Ok. So, I guess he's the Pastor over Fresh Fire.

I think.

Finally Able to Go

I started a "30-Day Renew Me" plan for myself this month. It started off a little rocky especially with my diet. My goals for the month included:

Praying 2x day
Reading my Bible daily
Losing 5lbs
Saving $1000

Right now I am in week 3 of a 4.5 week month and I am doing a water fast. Actually, not just plain water, but chlorophyll water and coconut water daily. I do not buy the chlorophyll water, but I have bought concentrated chlorophyll that I put into my water along with lemon. I drink about 1.5 liters a day and if I'm thirsty I drink more. It was suggested that I drink about 2 liters, but I haven't. I wanted my last half liter to be bone broth, but I haven't made it yet.

I can say that after 3 days of fasting I feel GREAT. Acutally, I'm not a novice when it comes to fasting. When I was growing up, our church would do water fasting for about a week and I would try it and it became a lifestyle. Now my church doesn't do water fasting, we do partial/modified fast for 21 days at the beginning of the year and we gradually reduce our food and the last 7 days we drink juice and water if we can. For those who are new to fasting they can eat seeds and nuts (not peanuts). Also my church fast on Fridays too until 5pm. So fasting is a lifestyle for me. I will say that I was a little apprehensive about the water fast because I ate horribly the week before. I didn't gorge but I did have ice cream and sour patch worms (a whole bag) fried chicken and other fast food that I should not have eaten.

But, I'm feeling great and I'm not that tired or hungry. I have lost about 6 lbs, but I'm sure that's a lot of water weight. I do think about food a lot, but I pray and get to bed early. Today was my first BM. I was concerned at first because I usually have a BM when I eat, but because I haven't put anything in my mouth since Sunday, it's just sitting there in my gut. I do want to do some type of colon cleanser to get "moving" but I was waiting on some herbal supplements that I though would have been in the mail by now. I've read that if you do sea salt in warm water it makes you have a BM. I might try that. I am going to break my fast on Saturday because I have a baby shower to go to and then a retirement party. I'm gonna be smart...I bought watermelon that I'm going to eat for breakfast then I will eat light for the rest of the day.

Blast From the Past

A woman is embarking on a journey of starting a business after she was forced out of her six-figure job. As she's working on her business plan, she reads documents from her great great great great grandfather and how be became a millionaire in 1882 by owning over 2000 acres of land in Tennessee. As she is working on starting this business, she's reaching back to get strength from her ancestors whom she never knew.

Get Ur Stuff

I'm embarking on a journey....a business journey. God spoke to me in December 2011 and He said that I would be helping people with their businesses. In February 2012 the woman of God spoke the same thing...2 Corinthians 13 tells us that out of the mouths of two or three let every word be established. Let it be so.....

So, this is the year for me to do this. I was in the market for a new home, but I'm going to hold off on that so that I can get this business off the ground.  It's time for me to walk in the things of God and now continue to allow fear to stifle me.

I have a great, great, great, great grandfather who was an amazing businessman. In his will he left 13 of his 15 children land. On this land there were peach trees...it was farming land that he had amassed over his lifetime. He was born in 1825 and died in 1887 and after the emancipation proclamation in 1865, he was able to become a sharecropper. From his earnings, he began buying land. It was said that he had over 2000 acres of land (that may be an exaggeration). However, in his will he left land to 13 of his 15 children. It was enough land for each of them to have their own farm.

Over the years some of the land has been lost, but we still have some in Boliver, TN. My brother and I are planning a trip to visit the land to see what's left.

When I learned this information, I was amazed. How did a black man (colored or negro was what they were called back then) manage to become such a shrewd business man.  It was also said that he had a child with a white woman which was grounds for execution, but because of his favor in the community, he was only fined $300 and he was given the child to raise. Her name was Elizabeth.

Amazing...

So I have no excuse, but to succeed. He was even considered a full human and we had limited rights back then.

My uncle shared with me the realization that my generation of blacks were born with all of our rights. The voting rights that prohibited blacks was signed into law in 1965. My mother was born in 1960. She didn't have the right to vote when she was born (of course she couldn't at that age, but you know what I mean). Yes there is still racism in the land and there are still obstacles and barriers, but what my grandfather did was defy all of those barriers. So I have no excuse. I am my only excuse and I must get out of the way to do what God has anointed me to do..

That's the Way I Feel

in·ad·e·quate

inˈadikwət/

adjective

1. lacking the quality or quantity required; insufficient for a purpose.

   "these labels prove to be wholly inadequate"

   synonyms:

   insufficient, deficient, poor, scant, scanty, scarce, sparse, in short supply; More

   • (of a person) unable to deal with a situation or with life.

     "a sad, solitary, inadequate man"

Yep, that's the way I feel. God help me!!

Piecing It All Together

I have been dealing with my health issues for 6 months now and it's time to take a pulse. I know nothing happens overnight and I can't rush this, but to recap. I have been dealing with the following physical issues...

1) Hashimoto disease
2) Uterine fibroids
3) Weight gain
4) Thinning hair
5) Acne
6) Fatigue

Additionally I've been wanting to focus on my "whole person" which includes my relationship with Christ and even my financial habits. So I need to fix my...

1) Lack of prayer time
2) Lack of devotion in the word of God
3) Debt management

I can go on and on and on about my issues.

However, recently in church I was listening to a sermon and something interesting was said. The speaker was talking about the man who was healed by the pool of Bethesda. Basically every year those who were lame and disabled went to the pool because an angel would come down and stir the water. Whoever was the first to get in was healed of their diseases. The lame man was laying on his bed and Jesus came by and asked him if he wanted to be made whole. The man then said that he didn't have anyone to put him in the water when the angel came.

Jesus didn't ask him that, He asked him if wanted to be made whole? Jesus told the man to take up his bed and walk and he did. He was healed of his diseases. The man didn't even know who Jesus was because when the people saw that he was healed they asked who healed him and he couldn't tell him that it was Jesus.

Later Jesus saw him in the temple and Jesus said this to him, "See you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you." John 5:14 NKJV

When I heard that I began to think about my health problems. In 2011 I believe that God healed me of my fibroids. I would wake up in the middle of the night with excruciating pain and I prayed to God (because I didn't have any health insurance back then) and for 3 months this would happen. One evening at church the speaker was speaking and he said, "Some of you all are popping pills because you don't believe the Lord will heal you..." At that point I listed up my hands and said, "God I receive your healing." and that was that. No more pain or issues. So why am I dealing with a uterus filled with fibroids now?

A few years later the speaker was praying for us and he prayed for people with thyroid issues. I had not told anyone that I was dealing with thyroid issues. I believe that God had healed me then. So why am I dealing with autoimmune thyroid issues now?

I believe in the word of God and God's word is true. It doesn't fall to the ground.

I believe that because I haven't kept my relationship with Christ and have went back and done things contrary to what God has told me....I believe that's why I am suffering. God told the man not to sin again....and He told him what would happen if he did...."something worse would happen." I have sinned against God and have gone back on my promises to God and now my life if filled with these sicknesses. When God makes you whole, you are whole. No one can change that but you.

But, this is my prayer to God....Hezekiah asked God for one more chance. Samson asked God for one more chance....God is a God of grace and mercy. He is a fair God, but He is merciful. I pray that as I make these changes in my life He will see my heart and my desire to serve Him and give me another chance to fulfill my destiny!!

In Jesus name...Amen!

13 Hours in the Car and My Missing Brother

I have had THE BEST 4th of July holiday....

My mother has 7 children and we all haven't been together in one place since my grand mother's Woburn, IL. I was really tired because I've been getting up at 6am to take my friend's daughter to work (she lives right across the street from me) And when I'm up most days I go work out. However, I haven't been working out lately. Anyway...I got on the road to pick my niece up in Dayton. I stopped to have dinner with Mister (I know) in Indy and then stayed the night in Dayton. We got up early on Saturday morning and headed to Chicago where we feasted on Harold's chicken and went kayaking. Kayaking was hard, but fun. We got home around midnight and I got up early to head to church Sunday.
funeral in 2002. We all touched down at my Uncle's log cabin house in

After church we headed to my uncle's where we stayed up really late. I camped in a tent for the first time and I didn't sleep a wink. I got up at 6am and was exhausted. After shooting fireworks, we all tried to sleep and I was up and at em again at 6am on Tuesday.

It was a long tiring week, but I was so happy to see all of my brother's and sisters. We decided that we wanted to recreate pics of when we were younger. We had a blast!! I got to see my Uncle Kenneth whom I haven't seen since my cousin died in 2006. He's 85 years young and looks really good. They barbecued, and popped fireworks. It was overall a great time together. There was one glitch when my brother decided to bring up a sensitive topic. He didn't know that he was hitting a nerve, but he asked my baby sis why she felt like she couldn't talk to us about anything. She got emotional and that started an argument between her and my other sister. They've had beef before, but we were able to squash it and move along with the festivities.

I got up Tuesday morning and went home at 6am to get the rental car back. My niece didn't want to get up that early so she decided to stay with my mom until Friday.

So I was going to drive her back to Dayton on Friday, but I needed to pick her up in Fairview Heights--120 miles away. Then I drove her to Dayton--320 miles and from Dayton, Oh, I drove home--300 miles. I was in the car for 13 hours on Friday. OMG!! I told my mom I needed a plane and I mean that. I'm so sick of driving in the car. Me and God gonna have to work this out!!

On my way home I got a call from my sister, She wanted to know if I had heard from my brother in San Diego. I had talked to him on the previous day...then she said that he was missing. WHAT? How does a grown 30 year old man end up missing? She tells me that his wife called her because she got a call from him around 4:30 and he was talking jibberish and then the call dropped. She called and called him back, but it went straight to vmail. And now she's home from work and he's no where to be found.

I immediately panicked because with everything that's going on in the world today, you have no idea what may happen to you. I started praying and tried not to think the worst. When I got home around midnight I called my sister in law. She said that she finally got a call from the police saying that he had been arrested. OMG!! What for? She didn't know and they didn't have any information. She I just continued to pray. I got a text around 3am saying that she found him in the hospital and that he was heavily sedated. OMG, WHAT IS GOING ON?

I was exhausted from being up trying not to worry. Finally I was able to talk to him around noon and he said he was in a car accident and he went a little crazy. The police showed up and he thought the police was attacking him and he began to take his clothes off to show the police that he was unarmed. The police just sees this belligerent man-they don't know if he's high, hurt, or what? They just were called because of the accident and he sees the police and fears for his life. What all happened in between is a mystery.

But, I was relieved to talk to him!!

This has been a long exhaustive week!!

Pretty Green Eyes

Most people have brown eyes and when we see someone who has blue eyes, hazel eyes, green eyes, we are often mystified. It is easy to stare at someone with eyes that aren't brown. As a matter of fact it seems that a person with those eyes are always pretty. The felon model got his job not just because of his beautiful face, but his eyes were the cherry on top. I'm wondering if his eyes weren't that color, would he have gotten as much attention? Can you think of an ugly person with blue eyes? Is the green eyed monster beautiful?

I DON'T THINK SO....a monster is a monster and jealous people are dangerous, no matter how beautiful.

The spirit of jealousy came to me last night and I HATE IT!! And the only thing I know to do is to pray to God. It's a spirit. I can't wish it away. Yes, I can change my mind and I can do what I can to make sure that it doesn't get into my heart, but when it comes it comes and I have to deal with it.


The think about this is that I have absolutely no reason to be jealous. I haven't been doing a good job and because of this, someone else is promoted above me. Point Blank.

This was the problem with Cain. Abel did a good job and had his heart in the right place, Cain didn't do a good job, he didn't work as hard. He just skimmed the surface. God praised Abel and Cain got jealous. God told him, if you do a good job, you don't have to be jealous. And that is the truth. But, Cain couldn't handle it. He couldn't cope. He aloud that monster to get into his heart and he killed his brother.

Dang....that's cold!!!

Jealous people are dangerous and I don't wanna be jealous. I want God to deal with me so that I can live and do a good job!!

You Are Killing Yourself

I started this recovery journey in January. In March I found out that I'm suffering from Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, an autoimmune disorder. As I been studying this I found out that autoimmune is when the immune system not only goes after foreign invaders--bacteria, viruses, etc.), but it starts to turn on it's own team--friendly fire or maybe going rogue is a better example. It starts to attack the bodies organs in different ways. So my immune system is attacking my thyroid. My T4 and T3 were okay--on the border, but okay. But, I had antibodies when my blood was tested.

Why does the body attack itself?

I've been thinking and thinking about this and my doctor is trying to find the origin. Some of my other hormones that have been affect is progesterone and cortisol. They are really low so we have being doing things to remedy these--taking progesterone cream at night and herbs to improve my cortisol during the day. But despite all of that, we needed to get to the bottom of this thyroid issue. If we can find the root and address that, we can pull it up from the root. So my doctor wants me to do a test for heavy metals. I haven't done the test yet because I've spent about $1000 so far and I still wanna buy a home so I need to slow down a bit. But, I'm gonna do it.

After thinking about all of this, I know that everything we go through is spiritual, I began thinking about how I've treated my body over the years. I haven't been so good to me. Is this the reason for my physical malady: me attacking my own body?

I've eaten badly for a few years and I've had numerous sexual partners (I think about 25-30) throughout my lifetime and this is not good. There are some people who have slept with one person their entire life. I've been around the block more than once or twice. I'm not proud of that, but it is possible that because of the abuse I've done to my own self, physically, I am experiencing the ramifications.

So how to we repair all of this?

I've been eating better, I've been working out and I've only slept with one man since 2012. I've only slept with 2 men since 2010 and right now I'm getting the last of toxic relationships our of my life.

I know it's gonna take time for my body to repair and recovery, but I have to do my part and that's what I'm doing!!

That's Why Abraham Did That

Over Memorial Day weekend I attended a semi-family reunion on Freeport, IL. I was excited and nervous at the same time. This was my first time (not really) meeting my dad's side of the family. During our time together, I began putting together a family tree. As we were trying to remember who was who and how old people were, it was time for me to go.

On the way home I was a little emotional and I got to thinking about family and our heritage. It reminded me of Abraham.

When Abraham was dying he told his servant to get a wife for his son, but he didn't want his son to marry just anybody. He specifically told his servant not to let his son marry any of the foreign women. He was given instructions to go back to his hometown to find him a wife. It was so important that his son marry the right woman. His son would carry on the legacy to be the heir of Jesus. Not anyone could have done that. It had to be a certain bloodline.

In thinking about all of that I was thinking about family. I want to be able to teach my children standards because the bloodline matters.

My mom met my dad in high school and they became teen parents. It affected us--how we lived and I am dealing with repercussions now of my childhood. So I want to be able to teach those standards and lift up the name of Christ in my home.

The Bible says that God knew that Abraham would command his household to serve the Lord.

I will command my household to serve the Lord!

Do You Even Believe God?

I feel like God is saying, "T, that's enough....."

I've got problems....we all do, but my problems (being sexually abuse at a young age and being a victim of incest), has stifled me so much. I live in fear, but I feel like God is saying to me...."Quit it, I can't deal...."

How many times am I going to allow my body to rule me when God has told me over and over and over again? I've been doing things (going through to motions), but I haven't really just stopped and trusted God. When Jesus says, "Be healed," that's what happens. He told the man that was crippled for 38 long years to just get up and walk. Then he told him not to sin again unless something worse would happen.

He told Moses because of his disbelief (which lead to his disobedience) that he wouldn't see the promised land....the thing that God promised him, he would not get.

There are things that God has promised me and I want to get them, but I have to BELIEVE God. Fear is lack of belief. The only reason a person fears is because they don't BELIEVE God. Think about a child, when you have a child that is standing on the ledge and their daddy or mama says to jump, that child doesn't think anything because they trust their mom or dad. They just jump. But, let somebody else come in and say jump....they don't trust that person. So they won't jump.

I was listening to man who was teaching 2 and 3 year olds how to swim. He dealt with this all the time...the children who are afraid to jump...they have floaties on and he is standing right there, but they fear. Sometimes someone behind them will just push them and as they are screaming and hollering in fear, they are pushed and they find that they land safely in the water. God is just like that....but the problem with me is this....

I know I have no excuses.....

But, I look at my track record, I haven't been so faithful to God so I don't expect Him to be faithful to me, but the thing about obedience is that God doesn't care about the past. He just knows what He said right now...

So, God, please forgive me and I pray for your EVERLASTING MERCY AND GRACE!!

Have Mercy on Me, Jesus!

It's 5:09am and I can't sleep. As a matter of fact, I've had a TERRIBLE time sleeping this past week. Actually, I've just been having a TERRIBLE time sleeping (period). Torment...yep, that's the problem. I've been tormented.

On about June 4 I heard God speak to me. He basically told me that if I don't use what He has given he, he would take it away. He gave me the parable of the talents in Luke 19. There was a king who was going away....he gave each of his servants a certain amount of talents and he told them to take care of it and make it increase until he got back. Some of the servants took his talents and make it grow while one of them hid it because he was afraid. He didn't believe in himself--that he could do something with the talent. So the king took the talent away from him and gave it to the ones who did something with it.

When I heard this word from God, it convicted my heart. Then on that Sunday, June 5, the sermon was about this very thing. I knew that this was from God. But I didn't move. I imagined in my head what I would do, but I didn't do anything.

Now, I'm sitting it bed at 5:17am tormented because when we are disobedient to God we bring a curse upon our lives and I don't wanna be cursed, but when I look at what I'm going through, I can only deduce this.

Last weekend I failed at what God was blessing me with concerning my weight loss (I was supposed to be apart of a weight loss program that was going to be paid for, but I couldn't do the MRI and that depressed me. Then they denied me for the other program because of my thyroid.) I got really down in my spirits and I reached out to Mister--whom I absolutely should NOT be communicating with (WHEN GOD FREES YOU, WHY GO BACK TO BONDAGE?) But I needed some comfort and Mister has been that comfort to me. WHY?? when the Holy Spirit says that He would be my comforter?

WRETCHEDNESS.....that's where I'm at right now.

So, I'm up writing because I need to get this out and I need to process and move on.

THIS ISN'T SO HARD, BUT I MAKE IT HARD!!

WHY?

Now I'm tormented because I know God is a forgiving God, but we reap what we sow and disobedience and being cursed is no joke!! But, how do we reverse the curse?

I've been praying to God about my laziness and my fear and both of those are a curse. Fearful people are cursed. The man even told the servant that being fearful is no way to live. He called him wicked and lazy.....

I've been lazy and I've made excuses and I NEED GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE!!

She Took Me There

I love being an even keeled person. I'm laid back, not easily excitable....I'm chill. BUT, every now and again my emotions get me and I HATE that. I love being poised at all times.

On yesterday I started a week long fast. Mainly because I've drifted. I know that God spoke to me, restoration, this year and I have to be active in that restoration, but because of some different things going on, I've strayed a little.

On Saturday, on my way to Indiana I was listening to Joyce Meyer and she was ministering on the talents in Luke 19. And I got it, I caught was God was saying. Then on Sunday the Elder spoke about the same thing. I hear you God, LOUD AND CLEAR. So that means I need to change, I need to move and get back in line. So I committed to fast and pray this week. It wasn't that difficult, but I got a call from my mom....

Backstory,

My family is planning a big July 4th shindig and I was gonna just give my mom $50 to buy whatever we needed along with what she was going to bring. However, I got a call on yesterday and my uncle asked me to bring chicken legs and 2 cases of soda. I agreed to it and texted my brother (because my uncle said that he and my brother was calling everyone so to tell my brother, if he called, that my uncle already spoke to me about what to bring.) My mom then calls me and tells me that chicken legs are a horrible thing to grill and that since I don't know how to cook, I need to stick with something that is easy to do.

WHAT????

I haven't lived with my mom in over 20 years. How in the world does she know what I can cook?! I cook all the time--not everyday, but weekly. So I was jokingly going off on her. I mean...she forgot that I her oldest child and my job was the cook and keep the house clean and make sure her children took baths. I've had to spend all day in the kitchen with her cooking Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner when I wanted to just be a teenager and be a kid. So I was bothered that she would say something like that. I didn't mean any disrespect, but DANG!! You don't even know me like that and I'M YOUR DAUGHTER!! YOU SHOULD, but you don't. So, it got under my skin.

Then I was bothered because I was trying to tell her why I sent the text to my brother. She was acting like I just sent it out of the blue. No, I was told what to bring and to keep confusion down I wanted to communicate and tell them what I was bringing. But, no I was jumped all over and criticized, so I went there....

Then, I got a text from Mister...when it rains it pours. I had to roll my eyes. At that point, I realized my error. I let the devil bait me. I had a good day of fasting and prayer and it ended with me disrespecting my mom....

Ima do better next time!!

Mister

Mister posted a message on my FB wall, "Looks like I've made the blocked list."

I responded back, "??" Then I sent him a dm and he posted again on my wall that he couldn't respond to my messages. He had deleted my number, so he asked me to give him my number so he could call me. I did and we immediately got back into the groove. It was like old times. Then he asked me to go with him to Kansas City for his family reunion. I agreed and asked him to visit me and my family for the 4th. We were making plans like we were a couple. Like we hadn't missed a beat even though some of his last words to me included calling me a, "black b*tch!" Yep, he called me that over and over again. But here we were exchanging text like old friends. 

WHAT???????!!!!!!!!

He let me know that he needed to get some sleep and I needed to sleep also, and I tossed and turned. Then it dawned on me....

WHAT JUST HAPPENED??

How did I just make plans to drive across country (KC is about 8 hours from me and 12 hours from him) with a man that cursed me out and said all matter of evil things to me. How did that just happen.

When I came to my senses I realized how subtle the enemy is. Not Mister, the devil. He is that cunning and crafty. I sent Mister a text around midnight saying that I didn't think it was a good idea for us to be traveling together. 

This is my text to him:

I finally told him that I didn't think we should vacation together. He said it was fine. That just bothered me. Then a few days later he posed on his page about a cute girl he was with that was snoring. I know that post was meant for me and since then I have been stalking his page.

God, I NEED YOU!!  I know you won't let me fail and I want so badly to move on with my life!!!

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her break of day.--Psalms 46:5.

   

Watch Me Grow

This year has been all about RECOVERY. 

And I can't do this in my own strenght!! On last Friday I had it in my spirit that I wanted to move to a different city. I just felt it all day and all weekend. When I got to church on Sunday, the Pastor exclaimed, "God is telling you it's time to move....move from this old life, from depression, from the dead stuff, just move!!  AND I GOT IT!!!

The law of beginnings tells us that we don't start anything, we don't do anything until God speaks it to us. And once God spoke, the seed was planted and now I just have to water it....

The seed is hope and watering and nourishing it is FAITH. Faith can't work is without HOPE! And Hope brings along with it CONFIDENCE....this is the CONFIDENCE that I have in HIM, that if I ask anything according to His will He hears me and if He hears me, I KNOW that have the petition that I ask!

It is His will that everything that the locust, the palmerworm, and the canker worm tried to destroy, He will restore. I'm looking foward to new relationships and new and exciting things that are in store!!  This is a time for rejuvenation, recovery, restitution, recovery...

I'm still praying about Corey Brett (Brent).