Decorating

I've been on the move these last few days. I've been decorating, decorating, decorating. I realized that I didn't have enough money to buy my sofa and chairs, but I did have enough money to buy little stuff, so that's what I did. Not only that, I build a box valence to go over my drapes in the living room, installed a shelf that will serve as a counter for my bar stools, painted, and cleaned. Now, I'm trying to make sure that everything flows together. Unfortunately, my dining area is infused with my living room and I want to make sure that my living room decor matches my dining area decor. I'm having a bit of trouble though. In my dining area, I want a bistro cafe type of decor. But, I have two bar stools that don't quite fit the color scheme of the wine and grape type of colors. I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work. Hmmm. I need some tips from one of the TV shows. I do believe that eventually I'll be getting my sofa and chairs, but I have to save up. It will cost me about $1000.

Here are some pics of my decorating:

This is my dining area that I want to have a bistro theme.

Below is the other part of the dining area that I want to flow with the bistro theme, but I have these decorations from my old apartment. Maybe I can just get new decorations and use those for my home office. But I love my little orb things.

Here is a pic of the valance that I built. It took me hours. And I kept forgetting things at the store or I needed tools that I were in my storage, but can't get to right now because I have to pay the bill. But, I got it done. It's about 4 inches too long on one side, but I'll fix that some other time. I got it up there.

This is a pic of a vase that I bought for $13 at pier 1. It was on clearance. The original cost was $50. It goes perfect with my drapes, valance, and the wall hangings above the drapes. The flowers even light up. $12 at TJ MAXX

I added contact paper as a back splash in the kitchen. I wanted a more green hue, but it's good. This however, does match my orbs and bar stools. Hmmm....

As you can see there is a wrinkle in the paper. I'll have to fix that some how. It took me about an hour to put that up because I had to cut and fit it around the cabinets.

My Inner Circle

I want to move forward.

However, over the year's I've found myself circling--I'm up one day and ready for whatever challenge may come my way, then a situation happens and I'm down. No, I'm not bi-polar. I just allow my emotions to dictate to me how I should feel instead of being led by my spirit. In life, I believe that I can choose to be happy. I just need to make that choice every day. So, I met with a person that I consider a mentor. She's an Elder in our church. She really helped me to see how I was choosing to the be the victim instead of choosing to have victory. I appreciated that time that I spent with her. I'm gonna have to make this a habit because I need support and I've been fighting alone and God has given me people to help me through the rough patches in my life and I'm grateful!!!! There are some people who are truly alone, but I'm not; I just have to allow the people into my life to help me. My spiritual mom (who also happens to be my boss) asked me who were the 5 people in my inner circle. This Elder will be one of those people along with another Elder in my church. Then there is Jenny, Quinn, and Gwen. These are people that I spend time with who are good for me and positive for my growth. I thank God for them.

Furniture Shopping

I went to the furniture warehouse to see what type of furniture they had and I was surprised. Even though I love the other sofa, I think I like the 3 of the sofas at the warehouse. They are below:

I think I like the cream colored sofa because then I can get these two chairs:

The furniture at the warehouse is cheaper, but I would have to move it myself. The cream sofa is $337 and it's nice and firm. I think I may go ahead and get the cream sofa. I do like the red one, but I don't think I'll be able to find two accent chairs that will go well. Of course I could buy the matching love seat and chair, but I need some patterns on my chairs. And I don't like matchy furniture. I like for it to go together, not necessarily match. I thought about pairing the animal print chair with the red sofa, but I will still need another accent chair and I'm not sure if the stripped chair will go with it. Hmmmm. But, I do like the cream sofa. I'll think a little more about it and decide when I get paid. If I do go ahead with the furniture at the warehouse, I will be spending about $300-$400 less for the furniture, but I'd have to have someone transport and move it up 3 flights of stairs and then squish it all in the doorway. Which causes some concern with the cream sofa. I don't want it to get marked up trying to get it in the door.

Coming Out of the Cave

In February I blogged about "the incident" with Mel in the tow truck. This has haunted me because I felt so violated. I know that it was only a touch, but that's how molestation starts. And this incident brought up all types of feelings and emotions from when I was molested as a child. And being that young and not knowing what was happening and being powerless over the situation has robbed me of emotional stability as an adult. I have major trust issues, I have a hard time opening up and allowing someone to help me. I have issues that stem from sexual abuse as a child that affects me as a woman. So, having him touch me like that and being in a situation where I felt I couldn't say anything really affected me mentally and emotionally. I became very angry. VERY ANGRY!!! I wanted to call him to cuss him out. I wanted to tell him that he was a sick bastard. I wanted to tell his girlfriend so that she would know how sick and twisted he is. I know, I know, it was only a little touch, but I didn't give him permission to touch my body. I wasn't flirting with him--NEVER HAVE. I've never given him the impression that I was physically attracted to him, so why would he, someone who is supposed to be my friend, put his hands on me like that. I didn't know how to deal with it. So I became reclusive. I retreated into myself. I ran to my cave. Not a physical cave, but a dark, dank, cave in my mind. It was lonely and cold and I wanted to do something about it, but I didn't know what to do. So, I sank deeper and deeper and before I knew it was depressed. I didn't realize how depressed I was until I went to the doctor and answered a questionnaire. "Do you feel sad..... Do you feel fatigue...." And I still haven't dealt with the issue.

My mentor sent me an email and asked the questions, "Who are the 5 people in your inner circle?" I responded back and said that I didn't have anyone and I shared with her my depression and how I've retreated and reverted because of the memories of my childhood. Of course, like a mother and mentor, she helped to boost me back up. Then I went to church on Sunday and my pastor spoke about how David was anointed to be king, but he went into hiding because King Saul wanted to kill him. After he ministered that word from God, I got my freedom from the depression, but I still need to deal with the issue because Mel keeps calling me. I wish he would just go away, but I know he won't. I have to stand up for myself and let him know that he violated me. But, how do I do that? That's my problem. Being molested robbed me of the inner strength to be able to stand up and speak up for myself. I was robbed of the power over my own body. I don't know if I mentioned in the blog about "the incident' about how my body responded to his touch. Emotionally and mentally I was repulsed, but my physical body was turned on by his touch which made me even more depressed. I've heard of incidences where a woman was being raped and she was resisting the attack, but she had an orgasm. That is sick that you can't make your body not do that. And knowing that made me ever more mad. So, how to I tell him that he did that to me? He made me revert back to the little child with no power and no control. In essence he was taking away my power and I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, but instead I just ignored him and allowed the little sore to become infected.

So, on Tuesday when I was at church an Elder come to me to encourage me. She let me know that she felt me in her spirit. She felt the retreat, the reversion, the depression and she let me know that she was there. I'm tearing up right now because I've had to fight alone for so long that having someone in my corner as a shoulder to lean on is very foreign. So, it is difficult to receive help, but to get over this, to become the success and live happily I have to allow others to mentor me and minister to the hurt. It encouraged me to know that she is willing to be strong and help me to stand!!!

I've come out of the cave and I'm making strides to not stay down, but I still need help in dealing with Mel. I was gonna call the sexual assault agency in town to see if they had some resources to help me to deal with confronting him because if I don't deal with it, it won't go away!

Here We Go Again

I haven't been blogging lately because I've been working temporarily and after work, I go home to sleep/rest and it's not easy piggy backing on my neighbors wifi. I have to sit in one spot and that sucks. So, what has been going on in my world?

I went to the doctor. Yay!!! I found out that the reason I love to sleep so much is not just because I'm depressed, but because I have elevated thyroid hormone. Of course I do believe that I'm mildly depressed, but my fatigue is due to my hormonal imbalance. So, I've been taking a prescription medication once a day. I'm not a fan of medicines, but I decided that at this point I have no other option. I wanted to go see an herbalist, but I don't have any money for that, so until I get insurance I'll stick with the free clinic and the $13 prescription. I'm supposed to be getting blood work done in 6 weeks so hopefully, my levels will be normal. Two years ago I had an ultrasound done on my thyroid and they found nodules. I was supposed to get a biopsy of the nodules, but I left my job before I could get it done (plus, I didn't want to get it done), but after reading about hypothyroidism, I've learned that the nodules are sometimes a benign result of the elevated hormones and that medication can help it to go down. My cholesterol is also a little high, but not bad enough for medication. I blame it on the hotdogs and gas station food that I ate for months.

I applied to get a free membership at the YMCA, but because I get unemployment, they want to charged me a discounted rate of $28 per month. Ugh. I can' t afford that. So, I'm gonna ask if I can pay $20 per month. I've regained the 10lbs that I lost, but that was because I didn't have a stove, but not I have a brand new stove. I was so happy when the maintenance men showed up. I was also surprised because I thought they were just gonna try to fix the old one. Here's a pic of my new stove. I'm happy. I baked fix and cooked some spinach last night. God is good!!

I finally got my new carpet and I'm not 100% happy. You can see the seams in the carpet. For $100 I didn't expect to be able to see the seams. He didn't have the tools to fuse the seams together, so he just used carpet tape. I'm gonna have to call someone else to come in to redo the seams. Dag, I don't want to have to pay for it, but I will have to. I guess I'm did get a discount because if I hired someone from the carpet place, it would have cost me $150, so I might as well cough up the rest of the money to get the seams done right. But, I do love my carpet. It's soft and I can walk with no shoes on. However, it is a low pile carpet, so when I walk the floor creaks beneath me. I 'm sure the person in the apartment beneath me hates to hear me walk across the living room floor.

I'm still not totally moved in. I got my dining room stuff moved in along with my kitchen stuff, but I have so many books and I think I broke my book case trying to move other stuff around. Here is a pic of my dining area. It's so cozy.

Now I just need to buy living room furniture, a bed and a desk. I went to one of the stores here in town and saw a sofa and accent chairs. The sofa is $599, one chair is $299 and the other is $399.

I love it, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get the sofa in the door. I had it measured and then I measured the door, I'm not sure if it will fit. It if won't fit, I can get this sofa in a different color, but I"m not too thrilled.

In other news....

I'm still applying for work. There is another position that I'm applying for at the university. Here we go again. This will be the third job I've applied for there. It's an assistant director position. I have an associate that works there now and I thought she was the director, so I'm gonna call her to see what's up with the position and to see if I can get an interview.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I only have about 9 weeks left of unemployment. Of course I don't know how I will be able to pay for my furniture....

Mel keeps calling me. UGH!!!!

My Carpet is Coming!

I'm so happy, the guy came to measure my room and he is gonna charge me $100 to install my carpet. If course I wish it was cheaper, but he has to remove the base boards. I told him that I will have the carpet removed.

I'm so happy. I went to the furniture store to see new furniture and I fell in love with this chair. So I decided that instead of going home to get new furniture, I'll just stay in town.

I also bought a used Kodak easyshare camera on ebay (I won the bid at $41). So, I'll be able to post pictures soon!!

Rejection Letter & Other News

I've been faithfully checking my mail waiting on my letter from the Ph.d program that I applied to. It came today.

When I took the letter out of the box, my first comment was "Oh, no!" I had a gut feeling that it was a rejection letter. Sure enough, I read the words, "...I regret to tell you..." blah, blah, blah.

I was overcome with sadness. WHAT TO DO???

I had a meeting to go to and I couldn't focus because I kept thinking about the letter. Dag, why didn't I read it later?

I emailed my pastor's wife and two women at my church that I consider to be mentors. I feel better because they've been encouraging me, but now I'm really questioning, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE????"

I had a 10 year plan and I was fortunate. God heard my prayers and He allowed me to fulfill my plans. That was 2 years ago, now I'm trying to plan for my life and nothing is working. I've applied for several different jobs that I know I can do, but nothing has come of it. I'm still applying for jobs (I'm applying for a different job at the university. This will be the 3rd job I've applied for there). I'm also going to apply for the admissions counselor position. The only reason I didn't follow through was because I didn't have any money to send my transcript, but I see that it is still posted, so I'm gonna apply again. I"m also applying at another university out of town. I don't to move, but I NEED A JOB!!! I thank God for unemployment, but $1000 a month barely get's me by. I need to buy furniture that will cost me about $1500 for my living room alone. I've counted up my debt and I have to pay at least $4000 and that's not including my student loan which I hope will be deferred for another year.

Despite it all, I still trust and love God!!! I know I'm lost right now and don't know what to do with myself, but I still TRUST GOD!!!! HE LOVES ME!!!