It's a NEW YEAR and what I've been learning is that 8 is the number of NEW BEGINNINGS...In the beginning when God created the heaven and earth, he created it in 6 days and the 7th day He rested and the 8th day was the beginning of a new era!! So 8 = NEW BEGINNINGS.
16 is made up of 8 + 8. So this year is a double portion of NEW BEGINNINGS. New LIFE and New SPIRIT and I accept my NEWNESS in Christ!!. This is the year of the repairer of the breach, a year of rebuilding in my life!!
Restoration, Recovery, and REVIVAL in my LIFE!!
I NEED the RESTORATION, the RECOVERY, and the REVIVAL in my spirit and my life....
I just HAVE to stay in FAITH and NOT doubt God in my life!! I just have to embrace HIS grace in my life!!
I started working out this week and so far, since about a few months ago, I've lost 10lbs. Yep, I'm at 200lbs. Actually I was closer to 215, but it's been coming down slowly. I got a new membership at the YMCA because I love their workout classes, but this year it's different and I'm a little sad. You can see how the times are changing, even with the YMCA classes. I used to go all the time and I loved going to the step aerobics classes. Now they've removed most of the step classes and replaced them with Piloxing.
WHAT?? IS PILOXING?????
It's some new type of fad and it's hard. I mean, aerobics is a good enough workout, why do we need to Piloxing stuff. Anyway, the participants are all fit and wear the same type of gear--leggings and sports tops.
Me....
I wear my loose work out pants and a large T-shirt.
Why?
BECAUSE I"M FAT.
Yep, I'm the fat girl in the back corner of the room, cursing all of my fat cells to hell. GOD....how did I let myself get this big. I mean, yes, there are people who are bigger, but this is NOT me AT ALL!!!
So, I'm on this weight loss journey and this get out of debt journey. I'm gonna post pics of my fat self, so that I can do after pics, when I love more weight.
I had a dream last night and I was in the house next door to me....(not in my neighborhood) and I was with my neighbor and she told me that she was going to sell her house. And without thinking I told her that I would buy it for $20,000. She then began taking me around the house and I started looking at all the work that would need to be done to get the house up to par and then I was looking at the outside and it was drab and an ugly dark dingy green color. It wasn't a nice house, but it was cheap and I was looking at the price.
The problem with looking at the price is that even though it was cheap and it looked like I could manage the cost, I would have been unhappy and dissatisfied with the house. Then I woke up.
I started thinking about it and what God was trying to say to me....
Before I went to bed I texted Mister and told him that he was worthy of God's love and as I was texting him I could see how he could misconstrue my message. I wasn't saying to him that he was worth my love (not that he isn't), but that he was so valuable to God.
And the dream was reminding me that I don't have to buy something or get involved with something that is going to cause me more distress.
You always marry up....those were the words spoken by the wisest man that I personally know!
He was encouraging us in the faith and talking about how everything that we are going through in life is by choice....where we are today is because of a choice we made yesterday, etc.
Then he made this bold statement, "You never marry down, you always marry up!" That bore witness in my spirit because I have been making myself available and I've been meeting various guys who are interested in me.
One guy who keeps calling and messaging me on FB is "down." I mean, when we went out to eat, I had to pick him up. And then when we went to pay for the bill, he didn't know to put his money in the black bill fold that they give you. He took the receipt out and just gave the bill fold back to the waitress and he was holding his money in his hand. The waitress took the bill fold and went away to settle the bill and she came back awkwardly because there was no money in it. Then when he paid, she brought the bill fold back with his change in it. He didn't know what to do. He joked with her and when he realized that the money was in the bill fold, he told her jokingly, "when I hand you my money, that's what I want you to do, hand it back to me so I can see it...." He said it jokingly, but he was serious. You can tell he didn't understand the bill fold. And I just questioned within myself if he had ever been to a "sit-down" restaurant where they have bill folds? I mean....
Anyway, after that we hadn't spoken and it's not just because of that situation, but because he has some other things going on in his life. I gathered that he living with roommates and that he was trying to get some things together in his life.
Another guy I met stood me up trice...not twice, but THREE times. DAAAANNNGGGGGGG.......
Then there is Mister. He and I had a long text convo about God and it ended with me telling him that his relationship with the devil is synonymous with his daughter's relationship with her abusive bf. The devil has his mind so twisted and perverted to the truth that he can't see the trees for the forest. Just like his daughter can't believe that her bf really doesn't love her because abuse isn't love.....
As I was praying at church tonight I just kept hearing God tell me that I'm valuable.
WOW!!!!!
The other day as I was texting Mister I sent him three pics of engagement rings that I like--$5000, $3000, and $2500. I told him the one that I really liked and then I asked him if he though that was too expensive. He didn't say yes or no, but he did say that they could cost more. LOL.
I said all that to say that, yes, I could settle for something cheaper, there are rings that cost only a few hundred bucks, but am I worth more than that? I mean, I'm not 20-something anymore and really, the $5K ring I could buy myself, so if I could buy it myself, then I expect that my man can buy it for me.
Sometimes I struggle with those types of thoughts because I don't want to seem materialistic and I don't want to be haughty, but when God says that He has cattle on a thousand hills and what He has he can give to me, as a child of God, then, why settle for a ring that's only worth a few hundred.
And the thing is I'm valuable enough by God, so why can't I be valuable enough to a man?
There are people who live in mansions who don't love God.
Why can't I?
There are people who can afford to wipe their behinds with Benjamins....
Why can't I have Benjamins to buy a Mercedes?
I'M JUST SAYING......
So, I'm not looking down anymore!! Jesus is the lifter of my head!!!! LOVE HAS LIFTED ME!!!!!
Chef--prepare appetizers for guest
Bartender--prepare signature drinks
Artist--teach paint class
Sushi/Appetizers--Station for preparation (food, supplies)
Bartender--station for preparation (drinks, supplies)
Artist--space for class (materials, supplies)
**Update...I'm up at 2am because I have not been able to sleep. The scripture that came to mind was Deuteronomy 8:18 where it says that it is God who gives us the ability to get wealth...so thank God for HIS word....
If you have dreams that don't come true, they are just fantasies. --William S. Rogers, Jr.
In March 2014 I had a dream about a yellow baby boy I was taking care of. When I had the dream I thought it was my baby God was showing me, but it turned out to be my cousin's baby. In May of that same year I had a dream and I was praying for someone with a 'J' name. In June my cousins baby was born and his name is James. God was showing me her baby.
Later on God showed me my sister holding and taking care of a brown baby boy. I got excited because God was showing me my nephew (or I think it's my nephew). My sister hasn't had a baby yet, but she is getting married and I'm happy for her, but I'm still looking for this baby boy....
So I've been praying to God about some things and I have some dreams in my head and my heart and I don't want these to be fantasies.....
In this new year we have been learning about the Law of Beginnings and when we think about the beginning, we think about what Genesis says, "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth..." And the Bible tells us that there was no shape or form. There was a creation, but it didn't look like nothing...there was darkness, but God SAID.....He spoke into existence and the rest is history.
So, these dreams...one that I have in particular....
It's about a fundraiser where I would like to have an open house/fundraiser where we invite a sushi chef to create sushi and people buy sushi and other appetizers and have a bartender and he makes a signature drink and people pay for the drinks, and then we have a painter who does a painting class and people pay to paint...all while we talk about the organization and show them what we do....
I NEED God to speak a word to me....when God created the heaven and earth, nothing happened on earth until He spoke. I NEED GOD to speak to me because if He speaks, then I know this won't fail. I know failure is apart of life, but I've been through enough and mostly I've been through enough because I've done a lot of things on my own....
I can't live this life on my own, so I NEED God to breath on this and speak. If God doesn't speak, I can't do anything. I DON'T WANT to do anything without God speaking!!
I've screwed up enough...speak Lord!!!!
When a woman finds herself (or man) in an abusive relationship, it can go two ways.....she can stay or she can run for the hills.
Why would she stay? After all, who wants to be hurt--physically, emotionally, verbally?
Any logical person would just leave. However, some stay. What makes them stay? I mean, that's not love! I don't care how many times he (or she) says, "Baby, I'm sorry..." LOVE doesn't hurt like that!! LOVE NEVER hurt like that!!
Mister and I was having an intense text convo...
His daughter is in an emotionally abusive relationship and he can't figure out why she won't-can't leave.
I told him that he's in the same type of relationship...same song, different singer....
I explained to him that in that type of relationship, the victim has this thought in their mind that they can't do any better, that life can't be better, that they deserve that life and that is exactly where he is in his life.
He has been deeply hurt in his life and that hurt has caused him so much pain that he turned his back on God....thinking that God caused the pain. The pain turned to bitterness and anger and the whole time the enemy has been shaping these thoughts in his mind that God doesn't love him and that God has left him and that he's in this life all by himself....
That's what an abuser does....they plant these thoughts in the victim's mind and those thoughts become seeds and those seeds begin to grow....
There is a fruit that grows in Jamaica called the Ackee fruit. The Ackee fruit can be deadly. Yes, fruit can kill you....and just as this fruit can be deadly, when you have a seed planted in your mind that is against God, it can grow into a root of bitterness and that bitterness can cause death...death of dreams, death or hopes, death of desires, death of happiness and life. And God wants to bring all those things--dreams, hope, desire, happiness, etc.--to you..... The abuser (the devil) doesn't let you see that God loves you, but only that this pain in your life was seemingly caused by God. And since it was caused by God then he can't LOVE....
LIES....ALL LIES....
God allows things in our lives...I told him a Job and how he lost ALL in a small span of time and yet, Job looked at the devil for what he was, an abuser, a thief, a murdered...not once did Job turn his back on God.
I"M STRUGGLING...I always have when it comes to sex. I've been having sex since I was a little girl (not my choice) and I don't know any different. My body doesn't know any different, BUT I LOVE GOD!!! AND I want HIS purpose to be fulfilled in my life.
So, the struggle continues and as it continues I will keep trusting and loving....
Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.--Galatians 5:1
So a friend of mine was suing her former employer for discrimination and wrongful termination. She had a strong case for wrongful termination, but the discrimination claim was more of a "he said, she said," and would have been hard to prove.
Anyway, the company wanted to settle and my friend asked me to attend the settlement conference. I've never been to one....
I can't disclose what happened, but it was a LONG day.
The Bible says that God will prepare a table before us in the presence of our enemies and that's exactly what happened. I'm happy for my friend.
So here I was pregnant and alone and 26 years old. I was in graduate school and I didn't want to have a baby that I didn't know who the father was. As a matter of I knew it was married guys baby, but it could have been Mister's. The situation was crazy and too much for me to handle so I began the process of looking for an adoptive family. Mister had gotten a job in another city, so there was no reason for me to involve him. The other guy didn't want to be involved so I made the decision and began talking with a family in Florida. Time was going by and Mister and I was still having sex...
Wrong move.....
My belly was getting bigger and in June 2004 Mister asked me if I was pregnant.
Yes....was my only response....
The only thing he said was, "You wanna get married?"
I didn't, but I didn't have the courage to tell him NO, so I just said not because I was pregnant. And that was that. We continued our day in bliss.
I lied to him and told him I didn't know the due date and I invited him to my doctor's appt on July 5. He came and it was awkward because clearly I had been going to doctor and I knew everything that was going on, but I pretended not to...
Wrong move....
This was the first time they did an ultra sound and the said it looked like a girl. Mister was so nervous. He couldn't hardly do anything. When we left I was horny and wanted to have sex (I was super horny during my second trimester.) Mister couldn't perform. He was so emotional. I knew this was not going to go well, so I began to pray...
I prayed to God that I didn't want to be in the situation that I was in and that God would curse the seed....there is a scripture about cursing the seed of the heathen....I don't know where it is, but I heard it before and I prayed that just like God had cursed the seed of my friends baby when she found herself pregnant and delivered early and the baby died, God could do that for me.
HOW SELFISH!!!!
A few weeks later, I went into labor.....July 27 and my daughter was born July 28.
Mister never questioned if she was his even though I knew he wanted to ask me. But things happened so fast. He didn't have time to question. 20 days later she died.
I NEVER told him that I suspected that he wasn't the father and I NEVER told him what I had prayed.
However, this came between us. He was TERRIBLY heart broken and I became terribly sick and the doctors told me that I could die. So I became paranoid and recommitted my life to Christ. I tried to persuade Mister that God could help, but he told me that he didn't believe in God anymore because he prayed to God that our daughter would not die and God didn't answer his prayers.
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH......
He didn't know that I was praying that exact opposite...that God would take her because I didn't want to deal with the situation that I was in.
And because Mister didn't believe in Jesus, his prayers weren't heard. How do you pray to a God you don' t believe in? And I was using the scripture when I prayed, so God heard me and answered me.
How do I tell him this?
I didn't. I couldn't stand to tell him.
So I held on to this guilt and shame and I told God that I wanted to fix it. I told God that I wanted to LOVE the hell out of Mister. But....I couldn't.
I received this message from him
"If there is a God, I can not forgive him for the loss of my daughter. If there is a plan it doesn't include me because God should know that I wouldn't turn to faith. I would turn away from it. So if you got something good out of loosing her then I'm glad that you are able to not suffer like I do, because I'm still pissed. That's why she was my light. She was the only hope for my soul, if such things exist."
The last part about light was in reference to a tattoo that he got with a symbol her her being his light.
I was in tears reading this and I made it up in my mind that now is the time to tell him. And I've been praying to God about how....
He asked me a couple months ago about doing a Story Corp about our daughter and I never agreed to it, but I asked him about it and when we could do it because this is something that I need to get off my chest.
I'm very good at keeping secrets. The problem is that some secrets are NOT supposed to be kept. I've been holding on to a secret for the past 11 going on 12 years and I believe that NOW is the time to divulge. I just need the spirit of God to HELP me because this secret is destructive!!
And I believe this secret is the reason I am still TIED to Mister....
Mister and I met in 2002. When we met, it was electric, you know, fireworks, and sparks, flying and everything. I was into him and he was into me. The problem is...I had just broken up with someone. As a matter of fact, I had just had an abortion from a relationship with a guy who was married.
I didn't know he was married....
Until his wife call me.....
And I didn't know what to do. He had lied to me for a year; he had even told me that he wanted to marry me....So I was so upset when I found out he was married. I wasn't terribly heartbroken, but upset. A month later I found out I was pregnant and a month later, I terminated the pregnancy. Of course we broke up and he didn't want me to do that, but I did. A month after that I was working at the community college where I met Mister.
I remember that night vividly.....it was April and before this night I had kept hearing about this guy D*********. All the women were talking about Mister, but I didn't know who he was and I hadn't met him yet. This night at the banquet, I was sitting at the staff table and at the next table over was another staff table and he was sitting there. Our eyes met and immediately I wanted to know who he was....later he would tell me that he asked someone sitting at his table who I was.
After that I found out that this was D********, the guy all the women were talking about. As time went on, the guy I broke up with and I started back talking and we got back together. He would come to visit me at work and one day as he was visiting, we were on the parking lot talking and Mister was at the entrance looking our way. Immediately, my guy grabbed me and hugged me. I noticed Mister looking and he noticed Mister looking....this was a guy thing...a territory thing...an ego thing. And I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but I let it go.
A few days later I get a call asking me if I remembered the guy watching us while we were hugging on the parking lot. Apparently this was a significant moment. I pretended not to, but my guy went on to grill me about him. WHAT??? WHY was he asking me about some guy that I don't even talk to. At that point, I knew Mister, but we hadn't talked except for brief "Hello's" in passing. This round of questioning was accusatory. Like something was going on between us....I had no ideal why he was asking me all this stuff....until the next day.
I asked Mister if he could come to my office and I asked him if he knew my bf. I told him that my bf seems to think that something was going on between us and I wasn't sure why. This is when Mister tells me that he and my guy have words in the cafeteria. He asked my guy if we were together and he said it in a not so innocent way--a suggestive way and my guy told him that we were....some male ego exchanged in those words and this created a problem....
Now my guy was thinking that something was going on and I was cheating on him and this continued until we broke up finally in November 2002.
In February 2003 Mister was flirting with me and I told him that I was single....he asked me out. I gave him my number and invited him to a band concert that my brothers were playing at....
He was late, but we enjoyed the concert and afterwards we went to Steak-N-Shake. This is where things got tricky and sticky...
During out time at Steak-N-Shake, Mister told me that he didn't believe in Jesus and the only thing I heard inside was 'RUN!! RUN, RUN, RUN...." But I ignored the voice of God and sat there. I don't know why. I didn't have enough courage to get up and walk away.....
God, why don't I have courage??
So we finished our talk and that night we ended up having sex. He stole my panties.....
From there we talked and I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to just sleep with him or if I really liked him. At that time he had a gf--nothing serious and he left her for me. No one had done that for me before. I didn't know how to feel. He expected me to leave, but I stayed when he broke up with this girl he had been see.....
After that, it was a rollar coaster ride of me breaking up with him and calling him back....He was so charming and he felt safe...I could talk to him. As a matter of fact, he is the man I shared my secrets with--secrets of sexual abuse and promiscuity that was a result. I felt like I could talk to him....but I didn't love him enough to mess up my relationship with God. I mean, yea I was fornicating and that was a problem with God, but to commit to a man who didn't BELIEVE in God was diabolical!! I had enough sense to NOT go down that rabbit hole, but not enough strength to keep my legs closed.
Break up and make up went on for a long time and then I tried to get back with him in February 2004 and he wasn't having it. We were done. And guess who walked right back into my life....yep the ex who had been married. We went to dinner and just like old times, we had sex. However, it was the WORST and I never wanted to talk to him again.
So I called Mister and even though we weren't together, we still had sex.
A month later I found out I was pregnant....
I called the married guy (who wasn't married anymore) and told him. He was trying to rush me off the phone. If was an USHER video for real. Dag, how to fiction imitate real life? And it was March 2004. I don't remember if he called me back or how he and I ended, but months went by and this was the loneliest time of my life. I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't know what to do.
I was pregnant and I didn't know who the father was. I was so ashamed and embarrassed....
It's been a while....I've got a lot to say, just not much motivation, but since this is the last week of the year, I need to recap. I'll start with what's going on right now...
Mister is in town. I know, I know, I know....
I had a lapse of sensible judgement and went to visit him last weekend and it was GREAT! Then my brother asked me to go to Ohio for Christmas and the only reason I agreed to go was because I made it in my mind that I wanted to spend Christmas with Mister, so that's what I did.
Wrong move...
I ended the night praying to God and promising NEVER to be with Mister again. I had an allergy attack and around 3am, I could not breath. I thought I was gonna end up in the ER, but I went to Walgreens and got some meds that had ephedrine in it. It worked, but then I had the shakes and my heart felt like it was gonna beat out of my chest. If being with Mister didn't kill me, I was for sure that medicine would. During my time with Mister, my sister got engaged....
Yes, I got a call around 10am from my aunt on Christmas day asking me if it was for real that my sister got engaged. I jumped up out of the bed. I was so mad that I missed it!! Dag...I rushed to Ohio and sure enough, her bf proposed at 2am and my other sis posted the pics on FB. Dang it....
So, I asked my sis about how she was going to get married and she said, "We going to Niagara Falls."
DAG!!!
I'm happy for her, but Niagara Falls was my plan.
Now I gotta come up with a new plan. Then of course I have to fight the urge to want to compare myself to my sister....she's got the house that is paid off, the man, and the ring....
I've got an apartment, $50,000 in debt, and my bed is cold at night. NOPE, I REFUSE to compare myself. I am truly happy for her, but I do question God. Actually, I understand why I am where I am...but, my sister don't love God. I do and I've been striving....striving....striving.....No matter what, I will get the focus off stuff and things and keep my focus on what God has told me!!!
He hasn't forgotten about me.
In the midst of all of this, I've been on Plenty of Fish and I met a guy, let's call him Secret because he is mysterious. He's nice and has a GREAT job and has a lot of qualities I like, but I don't think he's the one for me. I prayed about him and God gave me a dream...
I'll talk about that dream in another post....but there was another guy that I met and after texting for a while, I realized that we met before--in August 2013. This excited me, but I was disappointed because just as had happened in 2013, the same happened now--NOTHING!!
Then Mister came to town and we spent time together while he was in town. Bad move again....I can't seem to shake him. What is going on?
He just sent me this pic....It's beautiful...
He created these symbols for himself and his three children. His symbol is the circle within the circle with the line going through--The moon bound to the earth, the second is the sun/son rising--for his son, the third is his angel for Angela, and the fourth is light for Talia.
He told me he also had a symbol for me, but it's in storage somewhere.
Anyway, now it's the new year and I'm excited (apprehensive) about the potential. My goal is still to buy a house and I've got $2500 saved so far and the house I want is $47,000, so I have the 3.65% for the down payment for the FHA loan, but I'm trying to save at least 10%.
I'm also signed up for an online class this spring. so school is still going on.
