Withholding NOTHING Pt 2

So here I was pregnant and alone and 26 years old. I was in graduate school and I didn't want to have a baby that I didn't know who the father was. As a matter of I knew it was married guys baby, but it could have been Mister's. The situation was crazy and too much for me to handle so I began the process of looking for an adoptive family. Mister had gotten a job in another city, so there was no reason for me to involve him. The other guy didn't want to be involved so I made the decision and began talking with a family in Florida. Time was going by and Mister and I was still having sex... 

Wrong move..... 

My belly was getting bigger and in June 2004 Mister asked me if I was pregnant. Yes....was my only response.... The only thing he said was, "You wanna get married?"

I didn't, but I didn't have the courage to tell him NO, so I just said not because I was pregnant. And that was that. We continued our day in bliss.

I lied to him and told him I didn't know the due date and I invited him to my doctor's appt on July 5. He came and it was awkward because clearly I had been going to doctor and I knew everything that was going on, but I pretended not to...

Wrong move....

This was the first time they did an ultra sound and the said it looked like a girl. Mister was so nervous. He couldn't hardly do anything. When we left I was horny and wanted to have sex (I was super horny during my second trimester.) Mister couldn't perform. He was so emotional. I knew this was not going to go well, so I began to pray...

I prayed to God that I didn't want to be in the situation that I was in and that God would curse the seed....there is a scripture about cursing the seed of the heathen....I don't know where it is, but I heard it before and I prayed that just like God had cursed the seed of my friends baby when she found herself pregnant and delivered early and the baby died, God could do that for me.

HOW SELFISH!!!!

A few weeks later, I went into labor.....July 27 and my daughter was born July 28.

Mister never questioned if she was his even though I knew he wanted to ask me. But things happened so fast. He didn't have time to question. 20 days later she died.

I NEVER told him that I suspected that he wasn't the father and I NEVER told him what I had prayed.

However, this came between us. He was TERRIBLY heart broken and I became terribly sick and the doctors told me that I could die. So I became paranoid and recommitted my life to Christ. I tried to persuade Mister that God could help, but he told me that he didn't believe in God anymore because he prayed to God that our daughter would not die and God didn't answer his prayers.

OOOOOOHHHHHHHH......

He didn't know that I was praying that exact opposite...that God would take her because I didn't want to deal with the situation that I was in.

And because Mister didn't believe in Jesus, his prayers weren't heard. How do you pray to a God you don' t believe in? And I was using the scripture when I prayed, so God heard me and answered me.

How do I tell him this?

I didn't. I couldn't stand to tell him.

So I held on to this guilt and shame and I told God that I wanted to fix it. I told God that I wanted to LOVE the hell out of Mister. But....I couldn't.

I received this message from him

"If there is a God, I can not forgive him for the loss of my daughter. If there is a plan it doesn't include me because God should know that I wouldn't turn to faith. I would turn away from it. So if you got something good out of loosing her then I'm glad that you are able to not suffer like I do, because I'm still pissed. That's why she was my light. She was the only hope for my soul, if such things exist."

The last part about light was in reference to a tattoo that he got with a symbol her her being his light.

I was in tears reading this and I made it up in my mind that now is the time to tell him. And I've been praying to God about how....

He asked me a couple months ago about doing a Story Corp about our daughter and I never agreed to it, but I asked him about it and when we could do it because this is something that I need to get off my chest.