Withholding NOTHING

Secrets.....secrets....secrets....secrets....

I'm very good at keeping secrets. The problem is that some secrets are NOT supposed to be kept. I've been holding on to a secret for the past 11 going on 12 years and I believe that NOW is the time to divulge. I just need the spirit of God to HELP me because this secret is destructive!!

And I believe this secret is the reason I am still TIED to Mister....

Mister and I met in 2002. When we met, it was electric, you know, fireworks, and sparks, flying and everything. I was into him and he was into me. The problem is...I had just broken up with someone. As a matter of fact, I had just had an abortion from a relationship with a guy who was married.

I didn't know he was married....

Until his wife call me.....

And I didn't know what to do. He had lied to me for a year; he had even told me that he wanted to marry me....So I was so upset when I found out he was married. I wasn't terribly heartbroken, but upset. A month later I found out I was pregnant and a month later, I terminated the pregnancy. Of course we broke up and he didn't want me to do that, but I did.  A month after that I was working at the community college where I met Mister.

I remember that night vividly.....it was April and before this night I had kept hearing about this guy D*********. All the women were talking about Mister, but I didn't know who he was and I hadn't met him yet. This night at the banquet, I was sitting at the staff table and at the next table over was another staff table and he was sitting there. Our eyes met and immediately I wanted to know who he was....later he would tell me that he asked someone sitting at his table who I was.

After that I found out that this was D********, the guy all the women were talking about. As time went on, the guy I broke up with and I started back talking and we got back together. He would come to visit me at work and one day as he was visiting, we were on the parking lot talking and Mister was at the entrance looking our way. Immediately, my guy grabbed me and hugged me. I noticed Mister looking and he noticed Mister looking....this was a guy thing...a territory thing...an ego thing. And I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but I let it go.

A few days later I get a call asking me if I remembered the guy watching us while we were hugging on the parking lot. Apparently this was a significant moment. I pretended not to, but my guy went on to grill me about him. WHAT???  WHY was he asking me about some guy that I don't even talk to. At that point, I knew Mister, but we hadn't talked except for brief "Hello's" in passing. This round of questioning was accusatory. Like something was going on between us....I had no ideal why he was asking me all this stuff....until the next day.

I asked Mister if he could come to my office and I asked him if he knew my bf. I told him that my bf seems to think that something was going on between us and I wasn't sure why. This is when Mister tells me that he and my guy have words in the cafeteria. He asked my guy if we were together and he said it in a not so innocent way--a suggestive way and my guy told him that we were....some male ego exchanged in those words and this created a problem....

Now my guy was thinking that something was going on and I was cheating on him and this continued until we broke up finally in November 2002.

In February 2003 Mister was flirting with me and I told him that I was single....he asked me out. I gave him my number and invited him to a band concert that my brothers were playing at....

He was late, but we enjoyed the concert and afterwards we went to Steak-N-Shake. This is where things got tricky and sticky...

During out time at Steak-N-Shake, Mister told me that he didn't believe in Jesus and the only thing I heard inside was 'RUN!! RUN, RUN, RUN...." But I ignored the voice of God and sat there. I don't know why. I didn't have enough courage to get up and walk away.....

God, why don't I have courage??

So we finished our talk and that night we ended up having sex. He stole my panties.....

From there we talked and I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to just sleep with him or if I really liked him. At that time he had a gf--nothing serious and he left her for me. No one had done that for me before. I didn't know how to feel. He expected me to leave, but I stayed when he broke up with this girl he had been see.....

After that, it was a rollar coaster ride of me breaking up with him and calling him back....He was so charming and he felt safe...I could talk to him. As a matter of fact, he is the man I shared my secrets with--secrets of sexual abuse and promiscuity that was a result. I felt like I could talk to him....but I didn't love him enough to mess up my relationship with God. I mean, yea I was fornicating and that was a problem with God, but to commit to a man who didn't BELIEVE in God was diabolical!! I had enough sense to NOT go down that rabbit hole, but not enough strength to keep my legs closed.

Break up and make up went on for a long time and then I tried to get back with him in February 2004 and he wasn't having it. We were done. And guess who walked right back into my life....yep the ex who had been married. We went to dinner and just like old times, we had sex. However, it was the WORST and I never wanted to talk to him again.

So I called Mister and even though we weren't together, we still had sex.

A month later I found out I was pregnant....

I called the married guy (who wasn't married anymore) and told him. He was trying to rush me off the phone. If was an USHER video for real. Dag, how to fiction imitate real life? And it was March 2004. I don't remember if he called me back or how he and I ended, but months went by and this was the loneliest time of my life. I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't know what to do.

I was pregnant and I didn't know who the father was. I was so ashamed and embarrassed....

To be continued...