Happy New Year on the East Coast

I'm getting tired.....but, it's the New Year on the East Coast!! 2 Corinthians 5:17 New International Version (NIV) Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here!

Not Gonna Fight It

I get a text from Mister, "Not drinking and I still love you."

He was basically making reference to the other day when he texted that he loved me. My initial response was, "are you drunk?" He confessed that he had been drinking, but that wasn't the reason for him telling me. Of course I think the alcohol had a little bit to do with it, also I think it was a bit of the holiday season. It can bring out a little melancholy spirit for those of us who are "lonely" and he had told me before that he was lonely. I caught a little bit of the "bah humbug" bug myself, but I got over it and had an okay Christmas. Now the New Year is here in about an hour and a half....so I texted him back that he made me SMILE. In which he replied, "You have a beautiful smile. Wish I could see it." So, I facebooked him a pic of me smiling. It wasn't the best pic espcially since my hair was all over, but my smile was cute. I then deleted it. I hope he didn't download it. So, while chatting with him, I decided I was gonna clean...actually, I was gonna clean earlier, but I was too lazy.

While cleaning I turned on my "sad love songs" playlist on youtube. Actually, I took all the sad sad ones out and just listened to love songs and a few other "pick me up" songs. For some reason my playlist got stuck on Ledisi Bravo.

It just played over and over and over and over. I wanted it to go on and play Daley Alone Together, but it kept playing Bravo. Finally, I just let it play. Apparently, now is not the time to be sad about love, I need to "celebrate." So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna be sad because I don't have anyone. I gonna go into the new year happy. If I stay up or not, I'm gonna be happy.  So, I'm not gonna fight the happiness. I'm just gonna let it play.....

Excitement

I was trying to post this entry using my new Smart Phone--the AT&T Fusion, but for some reason it wouldn't let me, so I went to work to get my laptop.....

But yesterday I was so excited about the new year. I've been bummed out lately--my car being stolen along with my laptop and other stuff, being sued, having no money, blah, blah, blah....and I wasn't ready for the new year. I was feeling down about the new year coming, but yesterday, my spirit changed. I'm sure it was God because I couldn't manufacture those emotions and now I'm ready. I'm not down anymore. I'm broke, but happy to close this year out. So, I couldn't post about my excitement, but I needed to tell somebody, so I texted Mister to tell him.

Yes, I've been chatting/texting with him lately. I'm not so happy about that, but I have been. The other day he texted me to tell me he loved me. I called him to tell him that I loved him too. No, I'm not gonna get with him. I'm not even IN LOVE with him, but I do love him.

Anyway, tomorrow is the new year and I thank God for making it this far. I'm going to take charge of my life and stay focused in 2013. It can only get better!!

*Post Script* I'm even more excited now because I just checked my bank account and I have enough money to get me some sparkling cider to toast in the New Year!!  THANKS YOU, JESUS!!

At the Mercy of the Court

I went to the courthouse to see who was suiing me. It's my bank that owns my car loan. I guess they sent me a letter in the mail, but because I don't get mail where I live, I never received it. They are suing me for the balance of my car and for their attorney fees of $500. They opened the case on November 26. I have since spoken to the bank manager twice and he has never mentioned it. As a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with him because my plan was to make a payment today. Why didn't he tell me he was suing me? WOW!! So, I wrote him a letter explaing my situation--being homeless, not having work, no health insurance, etc. I'm $63,000 in debt. And I NEED my crappy car to do my job. What am I gonna do if I don't have a car? I can't do my job. So I won't have a job. I'm gonna show up at court on Wednesday and let them know my situation. My goal is to have my car paid off by the end of February. That's if I pay about $500 per paycheck. I do'nt know what else to do.....

Nooooo, I'm not ready.......

The end of the year is coming too FAST. I'm not ready. And I can't stop it from coming. What am I going to do??? I'm sitting at my desk fighting back tears. I'm just sad and I know I need to just "get over it." My life isn't horrible, just in a little shambles. And I'm doing what I can to rebuild. I have a fulltime job, a nice place to live, a car and food in the refrigerator. I have my health and my mental faculties. Life is GOOD!! So, why do I feel so bad? Why am I letting money make me feel so bad? There is nothing I can do about the past, so why am I letting it make me feel like this? The only thing I can do is do better from here. I can't change what HAS ALREADY HAPPENED!! Get OVER IT!!! I need to prepare the for new year--emotionally. I don't work on Monday, so I'm grateful that I will have the time to get myself together.

End of the Year

Two years ago, I was living with a friend, totally broke. I didn't have two nickles to rub together (not sure where that saying comes from. LOL). Life is considerably better, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I still in MAJOR debt and owe $2500 on a car that needs MAJOR repairs, but despite it all, I am better than I was two years ago this time. I'm always reflecting on how I can get better and now is the time for me to GET OUT OF DEBT. My debt to income ration SUCKS big time. I've got a $50,000 in student loans and I only make $30,000 a year. That's upside down and backwards. So, I've got to get my rear in gear and make some more money, pronto. I've been listening to Dave Ramsey and he's a great motivation, so for 2013 I'm really going to buckle down and tackle this debt. I HAVE GOT TO!!!

No more Bah humbug

I wasn't in the mood for Christmas when I left work today. Especially since I left my food gift certificate at wotk. Dag, I can't go get my BBQ. However, when I started cooking and cleaning I really got into it. I fixed chicken stir fry with broccoli and brussel sprouts. Then I baked the corn bread for my dressing and made plans for the rest of the food. I really got into the Christmas spirit. Tomorrow morning, I gonna have mini breakfast quiche's with mimosas. The dinner menu has been modified Chicken/Veggie Stir Fry Chicken/Sausage Dressing Mashed Potatoes Sweet Potatoe Turnovers

I WANT TO CRY!!!!

I'm working onto a grant proposal for the NP I volunteer for. While working I realized that I've done all the work and I was mostly finished, but it's all gone because my laptop was stolen.  AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH. I really don't want to try to recreate all that work. OMG.

What am I doing for Christmas?

OMG....Christmas is coming and I don't have any plans. I don't know what i'm going to do or eat. I know I want to go see a movie, but I've been watching yahoo movies website and nothing seems interesting. I've been asked to go bowling and I think I"m going to do that, but I haven't made any plans to eat. I want the traditional....turkey, dressing, lasagna, but I don't have all that money. I've got a turkey breast in the freezer, but it's not the best. I had one for Thanksgiving and there is still left overs of it in the fridge (I'm sure I need to throw it away now.) I have a $10 restaurant.com gift card that I think I will use for PT's BBQ. They smoke turkey legs, so I think I'm gonna get a turkey leg, and some BBQ. Then I will make some cornbread dressing. I think I want some beans too. But, I really, really want some lasagna or some really good mac and cheese. What I made for thanksgiving was good with the lobster, but only after I doctored it up. I also want sweet potatoe pie.....Dag, I hate being broke :-( 

I'm thinking about what I have in the fridge and freezer.  I think I can make this as my Christmas dinner.  :

Smoked turkey legs
BBQ rib tips
Dressing w/Cranberry Sauce
Stir Fry noodles with brussels
Mashed Potatoes
Broccoli
Sweet potatoe turnovers

I'll have to wait on the lasagna.

No Poop Today

Yesterday was green poop. Today, no poop at all. What is going on with me? I'm sure it was the gigantic bowl of mac and cheese that I had at the restaurant party yesterday. She did say it was a lot, but I didn't think it was that much until I got it. And then it wasn't even good. I made mac and cheese for thanksgiving that was way better (and my thanksgiving mac and cheese was not all that great.) I had it put into a to go box and when I got home yesterday, I added lots and lots of cheese. They seem to have the same problem as me...not enough cheese in the rue. But, mine was better, especially since I didn't have to pay $8 for one bowl.  Now, I'm on a mission to poop. I need fiber and lots of it. I need to unclog these pipes.....

Post Script....I just fixed cabbage, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, and one chicken leg....Oh and a glass of coca cola.....

Here comes the poop....

Post Post Script...No poop yet, but I've got terrible gas. That's the cabbage doing it's job...

St. Patrick's Day Poop

Ack....my poop is green. I have NO IDEA why?? I at haven't eaten green veggies, food dyed green, or anything else green. As a matter of fact, I had onion rings, sausage and eggs yesterday. Yet, this morning I wiped and saw the bright green tinge on the toilet paper. I was shocked at first.  I just ate lunch and again, green tinge. Not dark brownish green, but green green. I racked my brain to remember what I ate and I remembered that I took some vitamins and airborne yesterday. As a matter of fact, I took a lot of vitamins:

D3, Cod Liver Oil, Calcium, Hair, Nails, Skin vitamins, B12 and an airborne tablet on yesterday. Maybe I'm taking too many vitamins. Especially D3.....

I'm gonna cut out the vitamins for a few days to see if that is the issue.

I feel fine....just scared of the GREEN POOP.

I'm being sued...

I don't know who is suing me. I just happened to look my name up in the circuit clerk's office and their was a case filed against me on November 26. WOW....There is no information just a small claims case.  What am I going to do??

I am $60,000 in debt and I have no money to pay anyone.  What am I going to do??

Sick to my stomach. I should be happy...

My car was recovered on yesterday....

I got a call from the police station around 4:15pm yesterday. They found my car. I was happy and sad at the same time.  YAY, they found my car.  yay, they found my evil car. I was nervous. The officer stated that there was no damage to the vehicle. I got there and I didn't see my car....

I saw a black car with tinted windows.

This was not my car. My car was not hoodified with tinted windows!

Then I looked inside....Oh, yeah it was my car.

WHAT DID THEY DO TO MY CAR??

All of my stuff was gone, but it was my car, now with horrible, horrible tinted windows. It was still dirty with the bird poop on it, but it was my car.

I didn't have the keys....actually I had no keys at all because the spare keys that I had was in my car, in my bag....UGH!!!  I should be happy right, I now have a car.  Right, I have a car, but now I have all the problems that come with it again, plus, the cost of getting new keys and NEW LICENSE PLATES. They stole my plates and put stolen temporary plates on my car.  WOW!!

The officer told me that they found my car because the driver was not wearing a seat belt so as the officer was driving past, they did a u-turn, the driver saw the officer u-turn and decided to flee. The driver turned the corner, quickly parked the car in a resident's driveway and fled the scene along with the other 3 people who were in the car. They caught the 3 passengers, but not the driver....

To be continued.....

Black Expo, Missing You, and Moving Forward

2012 has been about moving forward in my life. I am 35 years old and I've learned that living in the past can cause such a detriment. For some reason, it was in my spirit to watch the movie Beloved a few months and after watching it, I got it....Sethe couldn't move forward in her life because of her past. She couldn't, wouldn't let it go. It caused her depression, despair, heartache and pain....

I was reminded of this last night when I text Mister. I know, I know...why am I texting him? I was bored...I don't have a TV or a computer at home and it was 7:47pm and I wanted to go to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me. So we sparked a conversation about the end of the world, yada, yada, yada...then he started flirting with me..."but, can i get some T**** before it's all over, please" was his question in relation to the world ending in a few days. He then went on to say that it was vodka talking. Which caused me to ask about his drinking...he has been drinking a lot lately and that bothered me. He explained that this time in his life was like when he was in the army...he was alone and had no reason NOT to drink. Then he asked if I could be the reason that he cut back or even stop. From there I told him that there was no way that a person could change for someone else. "It never works," is what I told him. "B*llSh*t," he replied. "....women do most of all...Loosing our daughter changed me into an insensitive *sshole...."

WOW. I was speechless. I didn't realize that after 8 years, loosing our daughter was still eating him alive. I thought about Sethe. "She was my best thing...," Sethe said to Paul D. Sethe didn't understand that life didn't stand still on that tragic day...but it was still moving forward. Mister was experiencing the same depression, the same despair, the same heartache and pain. Yes, I get sad that our daughter is dead too, but I know that she is in heaven. I know that for sure. I know that...It doesn't haunt me. Yes, I want to have a baby and yes, I want to be mommy, but my heart is not broken. I'm not in pain...

So, here he is living in the past...won't let it go and I'm afraid for him. Not only am I afraid for him, I'm concerned about me because I continue the relationship. It's like I want to keep the connection because I want to help him, but I CAN"T. There is nothing that I can do for him, but pray. I can't help him get over the hurt. How do I move forward? I don't want this past relationship to stop me. I can't grow like that. I can't do what I'm supposed to do when I'm keep taking two steps forward and two steps backwards.

He invited me to the Black Expo. He even told me that his "slave" would not mind because she knows all about me. Yes, his SLAVE. I'm not sure how that works, but this woman has agreed to be his SLAVE. How could we be together?? Would I have to be his SLAVE?? He said the he'd change for me and I told him that in order for us to be together, I'd have to change. He agreed to that. But, what would that change be? I CAN NOT conceive in my mind how the modern day SLAVE relationship works. He's even changed her name. Well, not legally, but he calls her something different then her legal name. I know Brittany Spears sang the song, "I'm a slave for you..." but literally??

We ended our conversation with him saying that he missed me and that I could be his guest. I didn't want to admit that I missed him also. I do, but not really. I miss the intimacy and even the sex, but him...his ways, his ideology...his lifestyle of smoking, drinking, pot.... I'm such the opposite and not in a good, opposites attract type of way. I mean, I don't drink, I despise smoke of any kind and I refuse to be a slave....

How would that work?? I need to leave the past in the past...

 

27 Degrees

It's COLD OUTSIDE...and all I keep thinking about is my car. Whoever has it is having a hard time starting it, I'm sure....

Mobile Home

Two year ago, around this time, I was sleeping my car. Now my car--my mobile home--is gone...

Christmas just ain't Christmas

I have got to get out of this funk. What is wrong with me....



I have nothing to be sad about. I have my life, health, peace of mind.....but I still feel like this....

Holiday Blues

I was so excited for Thanksgiving!! I cooked and went to the movies.....I just enjoyed myself. But, for some reason I'm feeling blah about Christmas. I don't know why. I don't know what I'm going to cook, I don't know what I'm going to do....it's just blah.

I guess I need to make a plan!!

Ziploc Bag Full of Stuff

Ms. ******,

We found a ziplock bag with Tobacco Quitline cards and a variety of cards with your name, including this email address.  It was on the corner of Spring St. and Church St.

Please reply to let us know what to do with the bag and its contents.

**********

This was an email I got on yesterday afternoon.  WOW. The car thief put my things in a ziploc bag and threw it out. WOW. There was no ziploc bag in my car. Did he suddenly grow a conscious and decide that he didn't want to litter, so he bagged my things and threw them out. I'm just dumbfounded?? 

At first I was thinking that maybe the person who was emailing me was putting me on because who would do that?? I thought something was fishy, so I called the police and the officer had me forward the email to him then respond to this person asking them to turn it in to the police station. Sure enough I got an email and a call from the station saying that my things were turned in. WOW!

I wish someone would turn in my computer and my camera, and my backup drive, and my neice's gifts, and my laundry detergent and my bleach, and MY LUNCH BAG!!

I have got to do laundry, but I don't have any detergent. I've got to buy more detergent and I'm running a little short on funds. WOW!!

Who's Counting?

A series of unfortunate events....

2000 Apartment burglarized
Boom box and jewelry (including my class ring)

2001 Car burglarized
CDs stolen (door was unlocked and windows down)

2008 Apartment burglarized
Door kicked in on New Year's eve(I think it was a neighbor). DVD player and jewelry stolen

2009 Car burglarized
Window was busted out. They couldn't steal the car because it was a stick shift. There was nothing inside to steal.

2010 Robbed at gun point
Sitting in my car, a man came up, pointed a gun in my face and told me to give him my purse. I didn't have a purse with me, so I gave him my laptop.

2012 Car stolen
$1500 of technology (Laptop loaded with Windows Professional and other software, Kodak camera, Seagate backup drive) Christmas gifts, laundry detergent, and clothes were taken.

My Lunch Bag Was in That Car! Part 2

I was just able to get a new driver's license for $5. Thank You, JESUS!!! I called the rental car place, they said that all I need is my driver's license to pick up the car!! God has smiled on me!!! I don't know why He's good to me,but HE IS!! THANK YOU, LORD!!

My Lunch Bag Was in That Car!

I walked outside the church and it was gone....

I scratched my head, looked down the street. Hmmmm....where did I park my car? I thought I parked it right here, right in front of the door.

Then it hit me.....MY CAR WAS STOLEN!!!

I can't even describe the feeling. I was astonished, almost amazed....words escaped me. Then it hit me again, MY CAR WAS STOLEN!!!

The evil car, the car that was cursed, it was gone and I didn't know what to do. I went back into the building to tell Mr & Mrs Lewis. Mr Lewis was shocked...mad even. The police was called, but I still can't describe the feeling.

I laughed.

Not because it was funny but because I have this thing...

When I'm nervous, shocked, etc, I laugh. I don't cry, I don't get angry, I laugh. Most people find that disturbing. Why would I laugh???

I mean, over $1000 in equipment was just stolen along with my vehicle. Not to mention my wallet with my ID, a prepaid visa card, my niece's christmas gifts, my laundry detergent, and, and.....MY LUNCH BAG.

My new cute $2 lunch bag was in that car. I know, I know it's silly, but do you know what it's like to have something taken, STOLEN from you??  Even the $2 lunch bag means something. There is value to it because it was MINE!!!

I want to cry... I WANT TO CRY, but I can't. I don't know why?? I don't want to be sad, so I guess that's why I don't want to cry. I did tear up when talking to the insurance lady. She asked me about my personal effects in the car and as I was listing them my eyes water when I mentioned my niece's christmas gift that I was suppoed to mail to her. I teared up again when I got off the phone with the insurance lady and I saw that my sister's coats were still here in my office. I thought I had put them in the car. So, my sister was happy to hear that news.

My insurance company is covering the cost of a rental car. But, of course in order to get a rental car, I must have driver's license (which was in my car) and in order to get a new driver's license, I have to pay for it, but I have no license to go to the bank. I hope they will take my passport as valid identification.

*sigh*

The Bible says, "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all. Psalms 34:19...another translation says, "A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all."

I Will Survive!!!

I had a meeting with my boss...who also happens to my my pastor's wife...who also happens to be a prophetess....who I really respect....Not just because she's a prophetess, but because she is a very wise, sound, stable person.

We were having a staff meeting and I told her that a lot of people have been asking about GED classes, so I said we can offer them in January. I expected her to say that was fine, but addition she said this....

"You may not agree with this or not, but you need to charge them,to attend the class."

I'm not gonna say whether I agree with her instruction or not, but I will say that my emotions started doing flips and flops and turns. I began to feel a lot of pressure.

The first thing that came into my mind was Queen "Pressure pushing down on me..."

   

But, I had to change my tune....Why am I pressured? God has gifted me. I know how to work hard to make this work. If I charge, I'm gonna be the BEST teacher!!! I'm gonna help a lot of people by the grace of God.


So, instead of Pressure...I now feel like this....

   

I'm excited!!!!  In addition to surviving I will thrive and be the best!!