The Lord is My Shepherd

I believe the word of God:

Psalms 23 The Message Bible

1-3 God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

4 Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

5 You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

6 Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life.

Thermal Socks Rock

I bought 2 pair of thermal socks when I was in Kewanee visiting my dad. They were on sale 2 for $3. The regular retail price was $6 each. So I got a deal. The temperature dropped from 49 degrees to 33 degrees and my toes were toasty. Thank God for thermal socks!!!

I drove by the apartment building where he residential manager will be living. I rang the doorbell and no one answered. I'm not sure if no one answered because no one lived there or because the doorbell didn't work. There was a Housing Authority vehicle parked in front of the building. I don't know if that meant anything, but I did notice it. When the position was advertised it said that they were looking for someone immediately. Well, it's been a week and I haven't heard anything. I called the Director yesterday to update my phone number. I left her a message. I'm gonna call her again today to ask a few questions. I just want to know if they have someone in mind already. I don't want to go on hoping and praying if they already have someone in mind for the job.

I've got a full schedule of work and I'm excited!!

I'm So Excited

I got excited today while I was emailing the ED of the organization I volunteer with. She was asking me to submit a calendar of what I'm working on. I listed 6 programs that I'm working on. I got a rush from my agenda. Even though I'm not working, I'm keeping busy. Some of the programs I'm working on with the nonprofit are:

1. Neighborhood Organization
I just started working with the neighborhood organization. I'm working on their articles of incorporation. I'm also working on a garden project for next summer. I would love to help out with a garden. I can't wait until next spring. We are going to grow fresh produce and we are going to train young people to sell at the farmer's market. I'm so excited.

2. School Suspension Program
I work with the youth program and one thing that I'm working on is a program to house students who are suspended from school. Our statistics of students who are suspended are horrible. Over 600 students in the high schools (we only have 2) have been suspended more than once. That's nuts.

3. GED program
I'm working on a program to help people get their GED and get into college. I'm also working on a grant for the program

4. Life Skills classes
I'm going to work on the life skills classes with the school that I applied at. I hope I get the job because this can be a great partnership.

5. Grant writing
I have about 6 grants that I have scheduled to write. My schedule goes into February of next year!!!!

6. School Conference
I'm going to be assisting a state organization with a conference for schools here in town. I'm excited!!!


I love working with this organization. Hopefully, we can get funded so that I can get paid for my time!!!

Vienna Sausages and Ramen Noodles

I have $23 left from the money my sister and her boyfriend gave me. I went to the dollar store because I left some personal effects at my dads--my Summer's Eve, bath brush, and toothpaste. Grrrrrr!! I hate when I leave my stuff. So I went to the dollar store to see if I could replace my stuff. No luck. Instead of Summer's Eve or a generic brand, I got baby powder that smelled like chamomile. I didn't find a bath brush and instead of getting toothpaste I figured I could get that later because I had a travel size one that I could use. So, I decided to get something to eat. I found Vienna Sausages. Being homeless has reintroduced me to some things that I have not eaten in a long time. This is the second time that I've had vienna sausages in over 15 years. I also got a 6 pack of Ramen Noodles. I was reminiscing about my college days. I haven't been this broke since then.

I left the Dollar Store and went to Walmart to pick up a pre-paid cell phone. I got a Tracfone for under $10. It came with 20 free minutes. When I got back to the office at the church I called the places that I had applications and gave them my new number. I haven't called anyone else. If they need to get a hold of me, they can email me. Also, if I need to call someone I'll just use my gmail. I'm not sure if they can call gmail back, but I'm not gonna worry about that.

My Phone is Off

I checked my phone today and sure enough it's off. Yep, I have no phone. What to do, what to do???

After a moment of distress, I decided gonna take some money and go to Walmart to get a prepaid phone card. Hopefully $10 will be enough. All I need is to keep it on so that I can get a phone call about this job. I'm not worried about anyone else. Not even my family right now. I'm applying for this job and I want to be able to get their call if they call me.

Comments

are there any programs in your area that can help you and your family
By addie

This was one comment that was posted.

Yes there are programs, but there are no emergency programs for women. We have a Salvation Army that has beds for men and it's on a first come, first serve basis. But, it's only for men. We also have a program for women with children and we have an emergency domestic violence shelter.
Of course it crossed my mind to pretend that I was in a domestic violence relationship and make up a story that I'm running from my boyfriend. I've also thought about dressing as a man to get a bed at the Salvation Army for the night. There were instances where I've been mistaken for a man--not because of how I look, but when I put on a hat and my wool plaid coat, and tuck my hair under, I can be mistaken for a man if I don't talk. LOL. That's how I was almost arrested one time about 5 years ago. The police were looking for a black male in a black hat and a wool plaid coat. When they pulled me over and ordered me out of the car, I started talking and they realized that I wasn't a male. LOL.

The only program that I'm eligible for is transitional housing. it takes 3-4 months to receive that service. There is no emergency shelters that I can go to. As a matter of fact the transitional housing program won't take anyone who is currently living with someone else or is staying in a hotel. From the orientation I was told that you have to be living on the street to be eligible. The director made it clear that if we were sleeping on a couch at a relative or friends house, we aren't eligible. Their definition of homeless is literally without ANY home.

There are some programs that help people with their electric bill, but I don't have a bill--well, actually I do have a bill, but I have no money to pay it. So, it's just there. The nonprofit I work for will loan people money to take care of emergencies like medicine, rent, power bill, etc, but the person has to pay it back and they are put on a schedule to make payments.

I attended the "Box City" event to gain information on the service that are available and other than the one's I mentioned there is nothing else.

I found your blog through http://sheshomeless.tumblr.com/ and I've just read through it all. I think you're incredibly brave and strong and I hope and pray that you find somewhere to call home again. Your Church and your friends sound like really amazing caring people, maybe you could open up to them about your situation. If someone came to you for help you would give it freely, so allow them to do it for you.
By cattymoo


This is true, I believe that there are people who would come to my aid if I did open up, however, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with allowing people to know my situation. Of course my pride has a lot to do with it, but when my friend helped me out before I felt so bad because I had nothing to offer her. She has 4 children and lives in a 2 bedroom home. It was already cramped. I didn't want to add to it, especially because I didn't have any money to buy her groceries or nothing. Also, she's struggling with money herself, so I would just be an additional burden. I have a friend who said that I could come to stay with her, but she was gonna charge me rent. This was before I became homeless and when I was working fulltime. At the time I had the money to pay her, but there were some issues that came up between us and I didn't take her offer. Also, she operates a daycare center out of her home. I've substituted for her because I have my teaching certificate and she operates a certified center where anyone who works for her needs to be certified. I'm not sure how comfortable I will be at her house because the children come in at 5am and there are children everywhere, all the time. She works from Sun up to sun down and even overnight. Now, if she offered her basement I would be more comfortable because I would be away from her working space. However, that option is not available right now. I do have a few other friends at church that I could talk to, but they have families and husbands and children and I just don't think I would be comfortable. I'm a very private person, I don't talk about me, I don't share and open up about "my world" so allowing someone into my "privacy" will be extremely uncomfortable. When I did open up early this year I was betrayed. Not intentionally, but there was some things going on that caused some friction and I've since back away from some people. So my guards are up and I haven't let them down yet. I suffer silently, which when I think about it sounds really pathetic, but that's me.


Thank you for your comments. If there is anything else you want to know, just ask!!!

Love never fails

After church on yesterday I was a little apprehensive. I didn't know where I was gonna go and I told God that I didn't know what I was gonna do. I didn't want to sit in my car all afternoon. The university was closed for Thanksgiving until 6pm on Sunday when most of the students would come back. So, I sat in the office at my church. You might wonder how I"m able to hang around the church after others have gone home. Well, my church is separated into groups that clean after service. My job is to clean all the glass doors. I do this every Sunday after everyone has gone home. Also, I volunteer to work for a nonprofit that is ran out of my church, so I have an office with keys to all the rooms that we use, even the food pantry. So on Sunday, I stay in my office to work on the programs that we operate. I also use my office to store my clothes and shoes so that I could unload my trunk. I'm a trustworthy person, so no one minds that I hang around. I also do a quite a bit of work with the nonprofit, so I have reason to be here.

Anyway, after church I went to the office and I worked on a few things. I got a text from one of my former students asking if she could borrow my laptop. She needed to work on an assignment for her class. When I took it to her at 4pm I was able to sit around her house and talk to her mom and watch TV until 6pm when the university opened up. Of course I would have preferred a bed to take a nap in because for some reason I was tired, but because I went to her house I was able to sit and chill instead of chilling (literally) in my car because I had no where to go.

Thank God. His love never fails!!!

Job Application

For some reason I just decided to look at the job postings.

There is a job for a life skills coach. When I saw it, I just kind of shook my head and felt a wind of exhaustion. The thought of applying for a job that I'm qualified for, that I would love to do, but still not get makes me tired. Ugh!!!!


I just passed it up and let it go, but I think I"m gonna apply for it. I'm supposed to be applying for jobs anyway as requirement of my unemployment, so I'll apply.

There is one problem:

It's at a school that I applied at about 8 years ago. The principal is the same principal that interviewed me and didn't give me the job. I'm not sure if she's gonna remember me, but I'm gonna send my resume and allow God to be God.

Are You Crazy?

"I'm not gonna be here always, are you crazy!?" This was a statement my pastors wife made at the end of service. She was encouraging us to not give up. She said that even though we are going through a season of humiliation, it won't be like this always. She was asking us if we were crazy to think that God would just leave us in the winter season of our life? I thank God for the encouragement because I was surely becoming weary.

When I got to Kewanee, Kevin, my sister's boyfriend handed me $50 when he walked into the house. I thank him and I thanked God. Right before I was leaving Kewanee to come back home, my sister gave me a thank you card. I opened it and there was $100. I praised God!!!!

I went to the store to pick up a card for my dad and some thermal socks. When I got back to my dad's house I packed up my bags and got into my car. I reached in my pocket to put the $50 in my bag and it was gone. GONE!!!! Just like that. $50 GONE!!!! I back tracked to the store to see if I dropped it in the parking lot when I took my keys out. I asked the cashier. I went back to my dad's. It was nowhere to be found. GONE. I started to cry. I was gonna use that money to get through the week. So I left my dad's and got on the highway trying to keep from crying. I started thanking God because the Bible says that in everything give thanks.... and everything means in the good times and the back times--give thanks. But I was still sad so when I got to Bloomington, I sinned. I didn't want to think about God, I just wanted to not be sad--not be depressed. My life was wearing me down.

This morning when I got to church I was so sorry. I prayed and prayed that when I got up before the people, my sin wouldn't hinder me. Fortunately, I didn't have to stand before the people and pray. God took the service a different way. I was grateful for that. At the end of service the Pastor prayed for us--that we stay clean in the word of God. I prayed and prayed that God would forgive me for lying to my mom, for sinning like I did. And I made a new commitment to my faith. However, after service I was still a little sad. I had nowhere to go. When I checked my bank account I showed that I have $1.36. My other account is overdrawn because I was supposed to get paid on Friday, but my money wasn't deposited. So $13 at that gas station is costing me $60 and I have about $20 cash. So, I was getting weary.

I know within my heart that God is not gonna leave me. His word says He won't leave me nor forsake me, but boy do I feel a little forsaken. Despite that I thank God. I still have my life and my mind. I was reading a blog by a homeless woman in Seattle. She said it was ironic that a woman can wear a t-shirt that says, "God is good to me" and she's homeless. I don't think it's ironic at all. As long as I have breathe in my body, God is good!!! As long as I'm not out of my mind, God is good!! As long as I'm not on drugs, being raped, struggling with alcoholism, God is good!!!! And even if I was struggling with some type of addiction or some other trouble, I will always proclaim that God is good because He is!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So in my homelessness, in my weariness, while I'm fighting to not be bitter....I will thank God because the word of God says that we will have tribulations and trials...we will have good days and bad days. I can't just be happy and live for God when I'm on the mountaintop, I've got to be happy and live for God when I'm in the valley and right now in my valley when i don't feel like praising God I Bless the Lord!!!!!!!!

So, am I crazy??? Yes, I'm crazy enough to believe that, "Exceedingly abundantly above all that I can ask or think," Eph 3;20 God will do what He said He will do.

The 2nd time I was homeless

I was going into my senior year in high school. I was attending a college program for high school seniors. I was enjoying myself being away from home and gaining college credits. I called home and my sister told me we were moving. She said we got a letter from the Sheriff that said that we had to leave in 30 days. The owners of the house we were living in were selling the house and we had to go. I wasn't at home to pack my things. I was so mad and sad.

When I got home, we were crammed into one of the bedrooms at my grandmothers. My mom took the 3 youngest children to a homeless shelter. She allowed my sister and me to stay at my grandmothers. It was August and my mom was 6 months pregnant. It wasn't until late September when she found us a new home. However, things were horrible.

When my mom finally found us a place to live, she came to my grandmothers and commanded that my sister and me get our things. "We are leaving," was all she said. She didn't tell us where we were going or anything. I got upset and had an attitude because we had just come home from school and there was no communication about anything, just, "get your things...we are leaving." I was too mad to cry. When she took us to our new house I became severely depressed. The neighborhood was horrible. There were drug dealers and shootouts. The house was horrible. I couldn't eat or sleep. We had roaches and I just couldn't get comfortable. I tried to hold it together, but one day I just stopped showering and stopped eating. I was so sad. One day going to school my aunt saw me and how I was dressed. She grabbed me and put me in the car and took me to my grandmother's to shower. She fussed at me the entire way because she knew that I was always a neat, clean person. I loved dressing up to go to school. I loved looking good and polished, but this time, I looked a hot mess. Once I got showered and cleaned up I felt better and I went to school. That was the day I started praying to God.

I asked God what I needed to do and I can remember hearing God tell me to ask my mom if I could live with my grandmother. I prayed and prayed about it because I was always scared to ask my mother for anything. She wasn't a nice person. My mom went into labor and my baby brother was born October 5. When she got home, I went to her room and asked her what God told me to ask. She said, "No." I was crushed. I asked God what I was gonna do. He didn't say anything. A few minutes later my mom called me back into her room. She said, "Pack your bags and call your grandmother." What she didn't know was that my bags were already packed. I hadn't unpacked anything. That was a hard time in my life. Even though I was happy to leave, I was sad to leave my brothers and sisters. There were many times when they would ask me when I was coming back home. I would cry and pray to God that my mother wouldn't be mad at me. My mom and I didn't speak for a long time, but God answered my prayers. We began to talk again.

The first time I was homeless

I remember I was in the 4th grade. It was close to Christmas, actually it was around Thanksgiving. I came home from school and my mom told me and my sis to start packing our things. There were 4 children at that time--3 girls and the baby was my oldest brother. He wasn't quite 1 yet.

We packed and by dark, we were in the car of the local sheriff--he was an elder at our church. He took us to a women's shelter in the next city. We went from living in a two bedroom apartment--it could have been three bedrooms because we had a den that could have been converted--to living in one room. We were cramped and we had to leave most of our stuff at the apartment. We had to be transferred to a school where I didn't know anywhere. It was not a good time for us. We had Thanksgiving there, but I don't remember it well. Not long after that we left to move in with a Minister at my church. We only stayed there for a few weeks and then we moved into the basement of a woman at our church. We lived there until I was in the 9th grade. It was a horrible place to live. There were 3 rooms--two bedrooms and a makeshift kitchen. The plumbing didn't work and there was no toilet in the bathroom. We had to use the bathroom in a whole in the floor and when we washed dishes we had to empty the water down the hole in the bathroom. It was a horrible time for our family. My dad was in and out of our life and the babies kept coming. By the time we moved our family had grown from 4 children to 6 children.

My Mom, the Brickhouse

My dad and I had a talk on Friday morning. I asked him how did he and my mom meet? He said that she used to walk me and my sis to school every morning and he used to see her. He said that she was a brickhouse. All throughout my childhood I heard how pretty my mom was. Not just how pretty, but I would hear, "your mama is a pretty black woman." There would be emphasis on the word BLACK like women with her skin color wasn't supposed to be pretty. My mom had really dark skin, but she was beautiful. She wasn't just beautiful, she was "stacked"

My dad was a nice looking guy also. I had to hear women talk about fine he was. I guess together, they were a good looking couple.

Finally after a while of him trying to get her attention, she gave him her number. Not long after they were married.

My dad said that he believes that the only reason they were married was because my mom wanted to prove her mom that she could get married.

This was a story I heard from her, so he confirms what she said.

Basically, my mom was a teen parent. She had just turned 17. A year later my sister came. My grandmother was not happy. As a matter of fact my mother became the black sheep because she shamed the family's name.

Because she was so ostracized and often told that no man would ever want her she set out to prove that she could "get a man." The problem was that the man she got wasn't the best. My dad was an alcoholic, he did drugs, and he didn't mind being with other women. Our life was horrible and with time more and more children came until there were 7 of us.

Actually, my dad has 8 children plus 2 step children, so there are 10 of us. He hasn't taken care of any of us growing up.

Whenever, he would get a job, I'd know when payday was because that would be the day when he wouldn't come home. He'd disappear for weeks at a time.

My mom, despite how smart she was--she had a scholarship to go to college, but couldn't go because she was 17 when she graduated high school and needed her mom's signature which was not gonna happen--she had low self-esteem.

How else do you explain putting up with a man who couldn't care for you and your children? My mom did what she could to keep the family afloat, but we were homeless twice growing up. We've also spend quite a few times with no electricity and water in the house because she couldn't pay the bills.

My Dad, the Pimp

I drove to the St. Louis area last night. I was gonna call my aunt to ask her if I could bunk on her couch until the morning, but I passed on that idea because it took me so long to drive. It was pouring raining all the time I was driving. Mostly I didn't go above 55mph and some times I was driving 45mph. So I pulled into Walmart's parking lot in Collinsville. I stayed there the night. The weather was about 60 degrees so I wasn't cold. I got up at 7:30 to pick up my brother and he wasn't ready. He hadn't packed anything. He hadn't even told my mom that he was going. WHAT?? So I had to try to tell my mom that I was going to take him with me to Kewanee, but since my mom and dad divorced in 2000 she hasn't been quite happy about my little brother going to see his dad. So instead of dealing with the drama, I just told her that we would be at my house. I make up a whole story about my sister coming down to cook and how she's already there now. When we left I called my sister and she said that she told my mom two weeks ago that they would be coming up. So, I told my sister that I told my mom that they would be at my house.

I hate having to lie, but I was in a bind and I didn't want to hear my mom's mouth. It was so much easier to tell her that we would be at my house than my dad's.

When we got to Kewanee, my dad wasn't at home. Where was he?

Down the street with his 23 year old girlfriend.

Yeah, my 52 year old dad has a girlfriend that is almost the same age as his youngest daughter--my baby sister is 21, and even his grand daughter--she's 20.

When he finally got home, I gave him a big hug. I haven't seen him since I was about 18 or 19. He and my mom divorced in 2000 after being married for about 18 years. It was a crazy marriage.

He sat around for a little while, there wasn't much talking. I think he was kind of nervous or something. So he went back to hang out with his girlfriend. When he was leaving he put on his earrings--two diamonds in each year, his gold diamond rings, got his fur coat and pimp hat and left.

WHAT???????????????


He looked like an old pimp. I was so shocked. My sis and her boyfriend said that this is a routine. He remarried in 2000 not long after the divorce and his wife just died in September. My sis said that since she died he has been crazy with the women--just jumping from woman to woman. He's finally settled on a 23 year old woman.

My sis said she was a little upset that his children and grandchildren are here to see him, but he's not here. My sis's boyfriend, Kevin, talked to him. Kevin said that he's in love--he's been without for 4 years while his wife was suffering with cancer and remission and then even being overtaken by it, now that he has a woman that can be a companion, he wants to make up for lost time. Of course he hasn't seen his children and grand children and need to make up for lost time with us, but I'm not complaining.

We did get a change to talk on Friday morning.

She called

My sister called me. She said she's been trying to call me all day. Yeah right!!! I've called her, my brother has called her. She then said that her phone was dead so she couldn't get the messages. I"m a little ticked and unsettled right now. Despite the fact that I don't want to be alone for thanksgiving, I'm having second thoughts about spending the holiday with them. My attitude changed when I heard Kevin's voice. Kevin is my sister's boyfriend. He is my age--33-- and my sister is 20. I'm not hating on the fact that she's dating an older guy, it's just that she was only 17 when they started dating. There's a whole back story that I'm not going to get into now, but I'm just breathing deeply while I go to Money Gram to get the money that she sent me. I'm gonna call my aunt to ask her if I could bunk on her couch tonight.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Holiday Blues

I've been waiting all day for my sister to call me. She's supposed to wire me $100 for gas to drive to pick up my brother, niece and nephew. Then I"m supposed to drive us all to Kewanee to see my dad. She hasn't called and when I called her, her phone just goes to voice mail. My brother called my dad also and his phone goes to voice mail. I'm sad because I just knew that I was gonna be out of the cold. I have no where to go. Everything closes early today. I have no food and it's freezing raining outside. I don't know what to do. Right now I'm at church because we gave out food baskets earlier and I wanted to stick around to call my sister, but I can't stay here all night. I'm gonna see if I can go to the university. I"m sure it's closed. I don't know what to do. This is the first time I've felt this hopeless.

Rain Rain Go Away

I had trouble sleeping last nights, so sometime between 4 and 6am I heard rain. When I finally got up, there was ice covering my car. I laid back down in the back seat of my car and covered my head. I did not want to face the day. When I finally got up to go to the college to shower, I found out that it wasn't just rain, it was freezing rain and now it a little past noon and it's still freezing rain. The forecast calls for rain on tomorrow also. UGH!!!

I decided that I"m gonna travel home tonight to the St. Louis area and crash at my aunts. It doesn't make sense for me to get up at 6am tomorrow when I can just drive tonight. So, I won't have to be out in the freezing rain. The only problem is the tires on my car are not that great, so I pray for traveling mercy. I pray that it's not raining in St. Louis and I pray that the rain doesn't freeze on the road.

Where do I put my clothes?

I'm going to pick up my brother, niece and nephew to take them to see my dad for thanksgiving. We are going to be staying until Saturday. However, my trunk is filled with my clothes. Where do I put them so that we can use the trunk for their overnight bags. I can't put them in storage because my bill is overdue and the company has locked it. I think I'm gonna try to store them at church. That's the only place that I have access to that I can put my things. I'm gonna work on folding everything nice and neatly so that I can use as little space as possible.

The temperature has dropped dramatically. It was 69-72 degrees for the past few days. It rained on yesterday evening and the rain brought the cold. This morning when I woke up it was 33 degrees and my feet were cold.

I haven't heard from the job prospect. I hope I hear back from resident manager job. That would be perfect for me. I also haven't heard back from unemployment. I'm not sure how long it takes to set up for unemployment, but hopefully I can have it set up by the end of next week. I have to pay my car note or they are going to come looking for me.

Open Position

I just turned in my application for a Resident Manager of the Homeward Bound program. I saw this position advertised about a year ago and while I was perusing the online classified there it was. The deadline was today at noon, so I quickly printed the application, filled it out and headed to the office. The application was simple so it only took me 5 minutes.

There is no compensation for the position, however, you live in a 2 bedroom apartment rent free and all utilities are paid. All I have to do is live onsite and make sure that there is order and peace, make sure that the grounds stay cleaned and the trash is picked up on schedule. I also have to provide a report of any unruly tenants or tenant issues. We'll see how this goes.

I have not heard from the other position yet. None of my references have told me that they called them. Also, when I prayed yesterday, I heard God ask me if I wanted to position. I didn't know what to answer, so I just said that I wanted His will to be done in my life. I don't know if I want the job. Sure, I want the income and to have my own place to live, but is this job for me? I don't know. When I was thinking about it, what they really needed was someone who is a nutritionist. Of course if I'm chosen for the job, I would take a nutrition and diet therapy class so that I can make sure that I know what I'm talking about.

Right now I'm working on a grant for the organization that I volunteer for. The grant is for a million dollars over the next 5 years. It's not open for solicitation yet, but I've been working on it all year with the hopes that it will be due in December. It's a big deal and a lot of work, so I'm praying and working on it with the hopes that I will be apart of the staff for the program. The unfortunate thing is that we won't know if we are funded until Summer 2011. Until then I will be writing, writing, writing.

My Jeans

Because my trunk is not that big, most of my clothes are in storage. So, I have a limited wardrobe which is fine with me. Consequently, I wear the same jeans over and over. These are my favorite jeans. They are by JAG. And I bought them about a year ago. Because I wear them everyday they are becoming worn where my thighs rub together. This is so frustrating because these are my favorite jeans. They are comfortable and because they are jeans, I don't have to wash them often. Now I have to find a new favorite pair and I have to send these to be repaired. I found a company on the east coast that restores worn jeans called Denim Therapy. It's fairly cheap and I'm gonna send my jeans as soon as I get some excess moula.

My bills are overdue. I have a storage bill that was due October 14 and November 14. Now the bill is over $80. My car note is also past due. I owe $40 from October and my November payment will be due at the end of this month. My cell phone bill is also past due. I think I owe about $130 from September and October. I'm sure the November bill will be here soon.

God, I need some income so that they won't sell my things in storage, my car won't be repossessed and my phone won't be turned off. Father, please help me, in Jesus name!!!!!

It didn't work

I was laying on the floor in the employees lounge and I heard talking. So I perked up and looked towards the crack of the door to see if the lights in the hallway were on and as they came on, I jumped up. While jumping up security came in and turned on the light. I was caught.

I just told him that I was taking a nap before finishing a project. He apologized and I laid back down embarrassed. A few tears streamed down my face. At that point, I made it up in my mind that I wasn't going to cry. I got up, went to my car and went to the hotel parking lot. Thank God it wasn't very cold. I had a good night's sleep.


In church today I was praying and I heard God ask me if I wanted the job. I simply told God that I want His will for my life. Because really, I have no idea if I want the job. Of course I would be paid a decent salary--$35-$40K, but there may be a better opportunity that may come available. As a matter of fact, I'm working on a million dollar grant for the organization that I work for. The ED told me to write myself into the budget. So by the grace of God we can get this grant for a 5 year program for a million dollars.

I left church today at around 5:30 to come to the University. I didn't realize that campus was closed for the holiday. I asked God what I was gonna do and I began walking around the computer lab when I saw people in the building. They let me in.

I"m not sure what I"m gonna do on Monday and Tuesday. Maybe I'll hang out at the library.

Weddings and More Weddings

I've assisted in 3 weddings this year. When is it going to be my turn?

Squatting

This is the first Saturday in 4 weeks that I haven't had money to get a motel room. I haven't have any income this week, so I think I have about $10 in the bank. So, I've been at the university since 6pm and I think I"m going to squat here in the employees lounge. I don't think the cleaners come on Saturday, so I think I may be the only person here in the building.

I did't realize all of this until about an hour ago when I noticed that all the lights were off in the building and I had been sitting there for over 3 hours and no one had come by at all. I said a prayer that no security would come to this room. I'm gonna turn the lights and tv off and lay out on the floor. I'll set my phone to wake me up at 7am to get out of the building.

God be with me!!!

Box City Review Cont.

After we got back to the church there were activities for the youth. Our group had to leave at 10pm because we hadn't made plans to stay the night, so we weren't able to hear the stories of the formerly homeless. One guy was gonna tell his story of his fight with the city because he would bathe in the fountain in Central Park. He was homeless, had no where to shower, so he would go to the fountain to clean himself. Central Park is located right downtown and is a picturesque tourist spot. During prom and weddings and all types of special occasions people go there to take photos. People also have picnics and during the summer there are many festivals, car shows and other large events that are held in Central Park. So this was a big deal with the mayor of the city. He was arrested often. I wanted to hear his story, but we had to go.

While leaving the event I looked at all the box houses sprawled across the lawn, the people huddled around the barrels of fire to keep warm, the police that was there on guard because this was a simulation and not the real thing and I wondered if they were really aware of the issue of homelessness. I'm sure I wasn't the only homeless person there because I saw one of the guys from the transitional home orientation, but I wondered if the young people really understood the issues at hand. Sure they were going to spend the night in the cold, but to do this everyday can take a toll.

The last couple of nights it's been really cold and I thank God for my car because at least that is some type of shelter. I pray that I can continue to handle this situation until it gets better.

Box City Review

My friend could not lead the Box City activity last night because her husband had shoulder surgery, so I told her that I would handle it. I got to the church at 6pm and there were box home sprawled across the lawn. There was only one young person from my group there at that time. We ate chili, hamburger helper and warmed ourselves by the fires in the barrels. When the other youth arrived, they had a ball building their box apartments. One of the young people brought a sleeping back and I let the other use the blankets I had in my car. Of course they had no idea that those were blankets where were used in my homeless abode--my car. I watched as they laughed and built their boxes to suit themselves. While keeping warm around the fire one of the ladies that I recognized from the Homeward Bound program came up to me to introduce herself. She told me that I looked familiar. I wanted to tell her that I had applied to the her program, but there were other people around the fire.

Around 7:30 we went on the walking tour of the places that the homeless in the city frequent. We started off across the street from the church. There was a lot of Uhaul trucks. She explained that when the temperature drops considerably there would be people who would break into the Uhaul trucks and sleep in the cab of the trucks. Then we walk down the street and come to the Northeast Community Fund. She explained that this is where the homeless come to get food and clothes. It's cheaper to get free clothes than to have to go to the laundry mat, so many come there to get new clothes. As we were walking past there we came to the Water Street Mission. This was a homeless shelter for single men over 18. she explained that there were many services for women and children, but only a few places for men and no places for boys 12-18. WHAT? I didn't understand, but she explained later.

As we were walking past the mission, "Pat" came out to ask what we were doing. He talked about living on the street for over 15 years. I didn't know if Pat was mentally ill or an alcoholic because he kept repeating himself and he kept asking us over and over again what we were doing. We later found out that Pat was abused as a child and it led to him becoming an alcoholic and he was living on the streets because he couldn't keep a job to be able to get a place to live. Pat told us how he had to fight for his things--people would try to steal his socks and shoes and stuff, she he had to keep all his stuff close to him.

While walking further on the tour we came to an overpass. The tour guide told us that there was about 17 individuals who used to live under the overpass--they had mattresses and blanket and other necessities, however, when they started doing construction there, it forced them to leave. Also, on the other side of the overpass was an abandoned warehouse that about 25 people used to live in, but since the construction company started storing their equipment there, they had to leave.

As we walked along we come to the Salvation Army that houses men, Elmwood and God's house of Love that served family and then to the Oasis Day Center. I knew that this was a place where the homeless could go, but what I didn't know was that they had a shower and laundry service that you could sign up to use. Of course you had to get there at 7am to sign up, but it was available. Then we came to the Good Samaritan Inn. They serve lunch from 11am to 1pm daily, no questions asked. If you want to eat, you can get something to eat without having to show an ID, proof of income, etc. The Good Samaritan Inn just built their new facility and 2 millions dollar building. For 2 million dollars, I was thinking they could do more than just serve lunch--they can't put some cots in there to let people sleep overnight? That's what the salvation army does. They have 40 beds and an overflow room with 30 cots. You can go there at night to sleep and then get up and get out in the morning. It's first come, first serve.

On the tour we were told that in December there is a walking memorial of the homeless who have died that year. Individuals get together and walk from the Oasis Center to Central Park. The names of the homeless that died that year are read off during the walk. We were told that the homeless are cremated and their remains are put in a sealed box and sit on a shelf in the county building. We were told about a lady who died in one of the transitional apartments and her children had to sit in the apartment with her dead body for a weekend because they didn't know who to call except her case worker at Homeward Bound on Monday morning. It was so sad. The same thing happened to a man who was homeless in a transitional home. No one found him for 3 days because he had no family. No one came to either of their funerals.

To be continued....

Thanksgiving

I was a little sad because I was thinking that I would be spending Thanksgiving alone in my cold car, but my sister called me and will be sending me money to buy gas to pick up my brother, nephew, and niece and drive them to Kewanee to spend the holiday with my step-dad. She's gonna send me $100.

I haven't heard from the job prospect. That makes me a little sad. I did get my letter from unemployment and I am going to be getting the maximum benefits. That is good. I need to to return some paperwork to their office today. I saw an RV for under $3000. I think I may work on getting me one. There is an RV park here in town. From what I heard it doesn't cost much to park there. Of course if I get into the transitional home program, I won't need it.

Practical Intelligence

I'm reading a book called Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. He's talking about how people are successful. Once concept he is writing about is "practical intelligence." This is where you know what to say and how to say it and with whom. This is what gets some people into certain opportunities and other not. I think this is the reason that some people get certain jobs--they know what to say and how to say to impress. I'm not sure if I used my practical intelligence in the interview. I just pray for God's favor because when I fail, God has to step in.

In the book Gladwell speaks about 10,000 hour rule. I like this chapter. He is basically saying that in order to be great and successful, it's not based upon your intellect, education, or money, but it's based upon your practice. How many times do you practice what you want to do? He goes on to explain how Bill Joy and Bill Gates didn't just luck up to being the successful people they are today. Their stories stated when they were teens practicing what they loved--computer work. He also talks about the Beatles and the hours of performing in Hamburg because they became famous.

This is one thing that I've been telling some of the people that I work with. We have to be in preparation for our opportunity. No one is successful without first being prepared. I gave them the illustration of David and Goliath. Before David killed Goliath, he was tending his father's sheep and a bear came along and he protected the sheep by killing the bear. Then a lion came along and he protected the sheep by killing the lion. David was prepared for Goliath. Just like Bill Gates was prepared for Microsoft because as an 8th grader he started a computer club when there was no such thing as computer clubs even on college campuses. Then the opportunities came and he nailed it.

Many people say that all you need is an idea. Well, that is true, one idea can change your life, but you have to have that experience to make that idea work. You have to have been prepared to make it work!! I thank God for the validation of what he gave me!!

Ima Survivor

Destiny's Child ft. Da Brat ...
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Dreaming

Yesterday I parked in the park to take a nap.  I slept so good that I thought I was in my bed.  I actually forgot where I was.  When I got up it took me a minute to realize I was in my car in the park.

The last two nights have been cold.  I'm not sure why.  The temperature has been 38 degrees.  A couple of weeks ago it was in the 20s and it didn't feel as cold as this.  I'm not sure if my head has something to do with it. It is said that we lose a lot of heat through our head and with braids in my hair, my scalp is exposed.  I keep a hat on a night, but it doesn't cover my whole head.  I think I"m gonna get my scarf and wrap my head up.  Maybe that will keep me warmer.

One of the temp services called me with a temporary assignment with a local service agency.  It's only minimum wage.  I'm just not sure about it since I've applied for unemployment.  I don't want to work full time for minimum wage if I get paid more in unemployment.  I'll see how it goes.

I was sad last night and almost cried when I was trying to sleep.  My brother text me to ask if I was gonna be able to pick him up.  At this rate, I have no income coming in, so I don't think I'll be able to pick him up.  My plans were to visit my dad for Thanksgiving, but with no income, I won't be able to do that either.  So, I laid in the back seat of my car and fought back the tears.

I was also sad because I"m not sure if I"m gonna get the job.  There were a few questions in the interview that I wasn't sure they liked my response.  I just pray that God's will be done. It seems that they didn't even realize that I left my M.S. degree off my application.  That didn't faze them.  When asked where do I see myself in 5 years, I was stumped.  I was thinking the other day that I should have named this blog "Job for the Holiday" instead of "Home for the Holiday" because I need a job and Thanksgiving is next week and I have no income.

My spiritual mom emailed me to ask me how I was doing.  I wrote her back to tell her that I was hanging in there.  I also told her that I was using the word of God for my situations.  The scripture I included was Psalms 30:5 "Weeping may endure for a night, but job cometh in the morning."  I thank God for the morning season in my life when I will be happy and have joy.  Of course I'm not depressed and I thank God that I'm not, but the cold weather is taking a toll on me.

Box City

In my city there is an annual homeless awareness event called Box City.  A local church and the homeless programs host this event where youth, members of the community, and anyone who is interested in can come to hear speakers on the issues related to homelessness.  Also, individuals can spend the night in Box City, a set up of boxes that are on the parking lot of the church.  Participants can eat a free meal at the Good Samaritan Inn and experience first hand what it is like to be homeless when it is cold.  This event is held every year in November.

I work with a youth group on the weekends and every year they participate.  However, I've never participated because I didn't feel the need to experience homelessness.  In the past I've experienced it--my family was homeless when I was in the 4th and 12th grade.  So, I was aware of the issues.  But, this year I will be participating because the coordinator of the program needs someone to assist her.  I'm also going because I want to know of there are some other resources that may be available for me.  I'm sure it will be an interesting evening.  We aren't spending the night, but we are staying until 10pm.

Interview Today

It went well.  I was very comfortable and at ease with the 3 interviewers--Tom, Kendra, and Gloria.  Julie came in late.  I'm so not used to informal interviews.  I'm used to the world of education--all the questions are the same for each candidate and notes are taken on each candidate, no more no less.  However, this interview seemed very informal.  They simply asked questions that came to them.  She did ask me where I saw myself in 5 years.  That was difficult to answer because I have not thought that far ahead.  I used to be very goal oriented--list oriented, and organized when it came to my future.  However, I've been blowing in the wind since January.  I've applied to go to school to work on my Ph.D in Public Administration, but the program doesn't start until Fall 2011.  I want to be done within 18 months with my course work.  I want to take a year to work on my research project.  Additionally, I want to work on my Master's in Sociology.  Eventually, I want to work on documentaries.  I think what she was getting at was do I want to run the program, but I wasn't comfortable saying that I want to run the program.  She said that she would be calling about the position in a couple of weeks.  My prayer was just that God's will be done.

Unemployment Benefits

I've applied to unemployment benefits.  I'm not sure how long it takes for the paperwork to go through, but it was a simple application online.  It gave information about being paid for the highest quarter of work.  I'm not sure what all that means, but hopefully it means that I can get paid the maximum which would be about $385 a week.

My interview is today at 1pm.  I'm going to practices some interview questions.  I wanted to get my suit cleaned and pressed, but I had no funds.  So, I will be ironing the best I can.  My hair turned out great.  However, I have to finish the very top, but I can't find my scissors.  I'll try to find some today so that I can finish it before my interview.  I lost my hair gel.  I believe I dropped it when I was leaving the university on yesterday.  Man, I need that hair gel.  My hair doesn't look the same without it and I don't have the money to buy more.

My former student's mom came through for me again.  She invited me over for dinner--smothered pork chops, au gratin potatoes, green beans and sweet rolls.  It was wonderful.  I will say that I have never bought or cooked pork chops before, but beggars can't be choosers, so I take what I can get.  The other night she invited me over for tacos.  I'm trying to figure out what type of Christmas gift I can get her.  She doesn't have to be so nice to me.  I was thinking about buying her a pecan pie, but she's a diabetic and she can't eat it.  So, I have to be creative to figure out something else to buy her.

I thought I was gonna be self-conscience at church with one of the members knowing my situation.  However, I wasn't.  Of course I haven't talked to her.  I think I will see her tonight.  She's planning a wedding for one of the Elders in our church and I'm assisting with his wedding, so we will have a meeting this evening.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm not sure if she reads the files.  I do know that she works with individuals who are released from jail who need housing.  I'm not sure if she works with anyone else.  I also know that she has a home that she's converting to assist the homeless.  I know that because she had me read over her proposal for the program she is trying to start.  This was in January of this year.  I don't know if she's been able to get her program up and running, but she had a nice plan.

Now until Him...

I slept so good last night, I forgot that I was homeless.

I rented a room in the hotel last night.  I was a little bothered because when I first rented a room, the charge was $46.  The next two week it was $50.  This week it was $56.  I don't understand.  Does the room rates go up every week?  The hotel is owned by a middle eastern family.  As far as I know they live on the premises when they are working.  I asked him if the rates change weekly and he said they they didn't, but they change monthly.  Hmmm.

The room was nice and warm and the bed was comfortable.  It was so comfortable, I almost forgot that I was only renting the room for the night and that on today I will be back in my car sleeping.  When I got in my car this morning, I was a little upset.  I know I could have done more to prevent this, but there comes a time when trouble becomes a burden.  I've been good so far with not complaining and keeping a positive attitude, but I got into my cold car this morning and the temperature said, "Ice," and I was just tired of this situation.

At church today my Pastor preached about the seed of the word of God and how that seed can grow.  I couple of weeks ago my Pastor's wife told me to speak the word of God over my life.  So I'm going to declare the word of God over my life.

Psalms 37:25...have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.


Deuteronomy 28:13...And the LORD shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shalt not be beneath; if that thou hearken unto the commandments of the LORD thy God, which I command thee this day, to observe and to do them.


Matthew 7:11...Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?  The Message Bible


Luke 6:38...Give, and [gifts] will be given to you; good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, will they pour into [the pouch formed by] the bosom [of your robe and used as a bag]. For with the measure you deal out [with the measure you use when you confer benefits on others], it will be measured back to you.
The Amplified Bible


I particularly like the last scripture because I've given to people.  I've allowed people to live with me for free.  I've paid doctor bills and electric bills for people...I've done these things, not to be repaid or to be seen, but it was from my heart.  If there was a need and I had the means, I was there.  I've driven people back and forth over the highway to see their children, I've shown the love of Christ to those in need.  That was the way I was raised.  However, if the word of God says to give and it shall be given back, then I stand on the word of God.  


I thank God that the money that I've sown into my church will be given back to me, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over will they pour into me.  


I know that God blessed me because for a year, my landlord allowed me to live in my apartment without paying rent.  My goal is to pay that man back because he could have put me out on the streets a long time ago.  


I consider my giving as seeds.  I sow into my church, I sow into other people and the thing about a seed is that it produces more than one fruit.  One apple seed can produce an apple tree and that apple tree can produce hundreds of apples each and every year.  All of that is from one seed.  So, I thank God that the seeds that I've sown will produce good fruit because I've sown them in good soil.  


Matthew 13:8...But other fell into good ground, and brought forth fruit, some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold.


I thank God for believing in His word.  God told Jeremiah that he will make every word I give you come true.  I thank God that He gives me His word to speak out of my mouth so that it will come true.  


I thank God that he's allowed my student loan to be paid.  I don't know how, but when I looked it up the other day, was $2000 less than what it should have been.  I haven't paid a dime of it this year, but somehow it had decreased!!!  Thank you Jesus.  


It is miracles like that that causes me to continue to have faith in God!!!!


I thank God that I am obedient to His word.  I thank God that I"m not overtaken in sin and disobedience!!!!


Jude 1:24-15... And now to him who can keep you on your feet, standing tall in his bright presence, fresh and celebrating—to our one God, our only Savior, through Jesus Christ, our Master, be glory, majesty, strength, and rule before all time, and now, and to the end of all time. Yes. 

New Hairstyle

A friend of mine told me that she was braiding her own hair.  She said that she watched a video on youtube that showed her how to do it.  I told her that I would try my own.  I started on yesterday and so far, I've gotten about a quarter of my head done.  I'm gonna be working on it today and tomorrow, so that I don't look tacky on Sunday for church.  When it's done, hopefully it will look like this:

Just stand still and know..

Homeward Bound

That is the name of the transitional housing program that I signed up for.  The orientation was today.  I was hoping that I wouldn't know anyone there, but sure enough, Juana, a girl that used to come to my church walked in.  Then there was a former student of mine.  I believe she dropped out.  Another former member of my church was there and right before we were getting ready to get started, a woman from my church peeked her head in the door.  She works for the organization.  Coming in late was the mother of a former student of mine. She was there with her daughter, who just had a baby.

This was such a humbling experience.  They simply told us that there is a 3-4 month wait for housing and that a case manager would review our file and give us a call to come in for an interview.  She made a point to let us know that not everyone would be able to receive the services.  I don't know what I"m gonna do.  I just hope and pray that it doesn't get cold soon.  God has blessed us with amazing weather.  It's been above 70 degrees during the day and around 47 degrees at night.  It's supposed to rain this weekend and then the temperature is supposed to drop a little.  I hate that this is such a small city.  If I lived in Chicago, I'm sure I probably wouldn't have seen anyone I know.  There are so many services in that city.  However, in a city where there are only about 75,000 people, there's no need for more than one homeless program.  Well, actual there is, but money wise, it doesn't make sense.    

I wanted to cry as I was leaving the place.  It's one thing to be homeless and manage on my own, but it's another thing to be homeless and have other people who know you, know that you are seemingly destitute.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about my brother.  If I can't get into this program, I'm not sure if I will be able to care for him in January.

Before, I went to my appointment, I was sitting in the park looking at dreamland pond.  There were a lot of ducks and geese there.  I simply said to God, "They have no care in the world.  You take care of them.  They don't worry about what they are gonna eat or where they are going to live.  They aren't even scared to sleep in the public.  I need you to take care of me like you take care of the animals."  The Bible says to ask according to His will and there is a scripture that says,

 Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing?

    

Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they?

And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life?


Matthew 6:26 The Amplified Bible

New Perspective

Talking to Coach was getting to me.  I was starting to let him get under my skin--dreaming about us being together.  I've interested in this man since 2002.  He was the wrestling coach at one of the high schools in town.  My brothers were on the team.  Now, 8 years later, he's telling me that he wants to marry me.  The problem is, he has major, MAJOR issues going on.  A good friend of mine works for the Circuit Clerk's office.  Her sister also works with Coach.  She let me know that he was in the hospital because he tried to kill himself--shoot himself in the head.  He told me he was in the hospital because he had a rash that the doctor's couldn't identify.  She said that he choked his baby's mama and wouldn't allow her to leave.  That's the reason for the unlawful restraint charge.  He has several Order's of Protections against him.  I was thinking they were from his ex-wife. They are actually from quite a few different women.

"Stay away from him" was what my friend kept telling me.  She said he had deep seeded mental issues and he's violent.  She said that he has issues with women.  He's told me about how he was abused when he was a child--how his mom would beat him and beat him.  He told me how he was adopted and was able to get away from that life.  However, when he was telling me about his mom, I felt really sorry because all I heard in his voice was pain--deep rooted pain.  He wasn't telling me the story as a healed person who has overcome these obstacles to become this successful social worker and coach--by the way, he's a social worker for the Illinois department of human services.  He was telling me the story and he sounded like a hurt, wounded boy. A boy who is now a 39 year old man that has problems with women.  My heart aches for him.  I wish I could help him, but I can't.  The only thing I can do is pray for him--pray for his mind, pray for his children.  Another thing she told me was that he has more than 4 children.  I thought he only had 4, but she said there are way more.  Wow!!!!  I'm a little overwhelmed by all of this.  This is a man that I could have seen myself with.  He was my dream man for 8 years.  Now that dream is shattering.  One thing he said to me was probably true--"If we could have gotten together a long time ago, I probably wouldn't be going through all this."

I concur.  If we had gotten together a long time ago, I wouldn't be in this mess that I"m in either.

Homelessness is not good...

...for my cholesterol.  I participated in a health and wellness fair on yesterday at the university.  I did a pulmonary screening.  I had to take a deep breath and blow really hard into this tube.  My lung capacity was not that great. I then had my glucose and cholesterol checked.  No glucose was great.  My cholesterol was horrible.  It was 219 and I hadn't eaten anything since the evening before.  My homeless diet is taking a toll on my health.  I need a kitchen and a stove to cook some healthy meals.

In other news...

I've found a new place to park.

I stay at the Econo Lodge on Saturdays because I have no where to iron my clothes for Sunday morning service.  Plus, the bed for the night is wonderful.  So, I figured that I could just park in their lot throughout the week.  The hotel is small, but parking there has turned out to be good for the past few nights.  The only issue is that there is this one guy who smokes every morning at 7am, so he opens his window and smokes.  My car is parked right outside his window.  I think tonight, I'm gonna park in a different spot.

I have no news about my resume.  I emailed it on yesterday morning.  For some reason, I"m expecting them to call me to tell me that I am disqualified because I didn't tell them about my degree.  This is nerve wrecking.

I'm Gonna Marry You

That was what Coach told me on the phone today.  He called me around noon to ask me if I missed him. I didn't want to answer him.  I actually didn't want to think about him at all.  Why is he doing this to me?  I can't take another emotional detour.  I've got too much to work out than to be fooling around with a man who doesn't know what he wants.

We chatted briefly.  I asked him why he won't let me help him with his situation.  He said he didn't know what I was talking about.  I told him that he said that he's been going through a lot and I might be able to help him.  What I didn't tell him was that I looked him up on the Circuit Clerk's website and saw the violation of the Order of Protection and the Assault and Battery charges.  He said he wanted to see me.  I told him that I couldn't see him tonight because of church.  We'll see when the next time he's gonna call me.    

Interview

My interview is on Monday at 1pm.  I"m excited, but I'm also nervous.  When I submitted my resume, I omitted my M.S. degree because I had applied for a job that only required a high school diploma and that job didn't interview me at all. So I was thinking that this job would discriminate also.  However, when I went to my first interview, she was looking for someone with my educational background.  So, I sent her my resume with my M.S. degree on it.  I hope and pray this doesn't disqualify me.  I know that you aren't supposed to simply omit information, but I wasn't even thinking that I would get an interview. let alone a second interview.  I'll be praying for God's favor.

Good Relationships

When I was teaching, I was afforded the opportunity to form some good relationships with my students.  I rarely had discipline problems in my classroom and the parents, I met with were great.  My last two years as a teacher, I served as a Career Specialist.  I met with students regularly to make sure that they were making plans for their futures after high school.  Because of my job, I was able to meet with students one-on-one, work with them intensive.  From this, I became mentors to many of my students.  I have several students who still call me, text me and even friend me on facebook.  Several of my students still call me when they have issues related to school or work that they need to handle.  Two of those students, Tiana and Sara, served with me as co-stars in the For Colored Girls play.  I called them to see the movie on Friday and we had a blast.  I had to remind myself that I wasn't a teen or college student anymore because we stayed out until 3am.  After the movie we went to Steak N Shake.  I kept telling my former students that I didn't have money, so they bought me cotton candy at the movies and food at Steak N Shake. 

Sara was telling me that she was leaving her boyfriend because he was abusive.  She called me on Saturday to help her move her stuff--she was living with him and his family.  They came to church with me on Sunday and Sara joined the church.  After church, I told the girls that if I had money, I would have taken them out to eat.  We laughed.  Later on, Tiana text me to ask me if I was hungry.  I told her that I was eating cold leftover pizza.  She said that her mom wanted me to come over to cook.  Her mom was sick and couldn't walk.  I ended up cooking Sunday dinner for her, her mom and the other young lady.  After dinner, I helped her with her homework.  Around 9pm, I took them to Walmart so that Sara could get some new pants for work.  We joked and had fun at Walmart.  Walmart had a $1 clearance rack and Tiana bought me a pair of $1 pants.  When we were leaving Sara handed me $20.  Just out the blue.  I felt so grateful that I had two young ladies that I could mentor and even though they didn't know my situation, they stepped in to lend me a helping hand. 

My eyes are watering thinking about it.  It's good to know that you can have relationships with people and when you are in need, you don't even have to beg.  They just step in. 

Another example of this was on Saturday, when my friend Gwen called me with a flat tire.  She needed a jack, so I left work to help her.  Of course she had other people there helping her, but they didn't have the proper jack.  After about an hour on the side of the road, we finally got the tire on.  As the four cars lined up on the side of the road began to leave, Carmen realized that her battery had died from keeping her hazard lights on.  We all continued to laugh while I pulled my car in front of hers to jump her battery.  I then told them that my fuel light was on and I needed to make sure that I didn't run out of gas while we waited on her car battery to charge.  After her car started.  Gwen told her brother to trail me to the gas station to make sure that I got there without running out of gas.  When I got there, her brother gave me $15 to get gas.  I added $5 and my tank was half filled. 

All of this was because I had a wonderful relationship with his sister and I took time out of my day to help her on the side of the highway. 

Thank God for good, wholesome, healthy relationships!!!!!

Old relationships

In January I ran into "Coach" at the store.  I didn't want to talk to him because I knew in my spirit that the timing was not right.  However, I ended up giving him my number and could have been a wonderful relationship turned sour quickly.

Our first date of playing Connect Four at his house until midnight.  It was ended rather abruptly because his ex-girlfriend walked into his house.  She didn't knock, she didn't announce that she was coming in, she just walked in.  We were in the dining room looking at her come through the door.  I was shocked!!!  I spoke and she ignored me and went to his bedroom.  WOW!!!  I didn't know what to do, so I asked Coach if I should leave.  He initially said no, but then said it would probably be a good idea that I leave.

I left.

And everything in me was telling me to "run for the hills" and don't look back.

But, at about 2am he called me asking me why I hadn't called him to let him know I made it home safely. WHAT??  Why would I call you when a woman just shows up at your house unannounced and when you introduce us, she doesn't even recognize that I"m standing there?  Why would I subject myself to that type of drama?

I was so crazy about this man that instead of listening to my better judgement, I ended up back at his house.

Big Mistake!!

After a couple of days, he started telling me that he's stuck in this relationship with his baby mama.  They had been together for 9 years, they have a 7 year old son and even though she left him, he still wants to be with her. Which is what he did.....

He went from telling me that we should be together and that we should get married and that he wants to make a life with me, to telling me that "it's complicated" and he doesn't want to waste my time.  WHAT????  HUH?????   WHAT???????

I was so confused.  I allowed him to take me through emotional turmoil.  Finally, Valentines Day was coming up and I quite calling him.  I knew I wasn't his Valentine, so why stick around?  Sure enough when the season of love was over, he called me....in March.  We had another brief tryst that left me so emotionally barren.  I was drained.  I was here in body, but my mind was on vacation.  I couldn't handle what he was doing to me, so instead of crying my eyes out, I mentally checked out.

The entire time this was going on, I was facing money troubles that I didn't tell him about.  He also had some secrets of his own, except his secrets were public knowledge, courtesy of the Circuit Clerks website.  I looked him up.  I wanted to know more about his background.  He had been charged with violating an order of protection and was facing some type of trial in February.  By the summer time, he had accrued two other criminal charges, one was a Criminal Felony charge for unlawful use of a weapon.  The other was a battery charged.  All these charges had to do with his ex-wife.  She was taking him through the wringer.  He briefly mentioned to me that she wouldn't allow him to see his children and that he had been getting into it with her boyfriend.  Apparently, she got to him good because he was arrested.

I was a little shocked.  I knew he has emotional issues that dealt that stemmed from his childhood, but I didn't know he was that angry.

In September, he showed up again.  This time at my job.  I was tutoring some girls at the high school and he saw me driving.  He followed me and when I got out the car, there he was.  We chatted briefly.  I gave him my number again.  He left.  For the next week, I was an emotional wreck because he didn't call.

I just let it go.  My heart was broken once more, but I was glad he didn't call because I didn't want to have to explain to him that I was homeless.

It's now November and on Saturday, while sleeping in the hotel's parking lot, I woke up to view a missed call on my phone.  His number popped up.  Oh, Boy.....

When I got to work, I called him anonymously from my office phone.  I simply left him a message that I saw that he called.  Later on that day, he text me to ask me how I was doing.  Of course I could not text him back because I had not paid my phone bill.  So I text him from my yahoo account.  He didn't respond.  I"m not sure if he knew it was me or not.  But on Sunday, he text me again.  I called him from my job again and left him a message.

In church, I was praying and it was like my spirit was telling me to let him go.  I started crying.  I want to do what God tells me to do, but I wasn't sure.  When I rationalize the situation, my rational mind tells me that he's not worth it.  He has 4 children by 2 different women.  An ex-wife who is taking him through hell. An ex-girlfriend who doesn't want to let him go, and he's struggling emotionally with all of this mess that he is in.  So , why do I want to connect with him?  I tell myself that I"m not desperate for a man.  But, I've been interested in this guy since 2002 and who doesn't want companionship.  I'm not looking for romantic involvement.  I can't handle that right now.  I just want to become friends with him.      

Promises of God

My pastor preached about the promises of God.  The scripture was Hebrews 6:13-20.  God promised Abraham that he would be the father of many nations.  However, Abraham and Sarah did not have any children.    As a matter of fact, Sarah could not have children at all, but God promised Abraham that his seed would multiply. Abraham waited on God and about 25 years later, he had a son--Isaac.  Then Isaac had a son named Jacob and Jacob had 12 sons that led to the 12 tribes of Israel.

He encouraged us to know that if God promised us anything, if God gave us a vision for our life, he would bring it to past because God can't lie.

I thank God for my promises.  I thank God for the promises in the Bible.  One scripture that I quote is, "...I've never seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread in the street."  I thank God that I"m not forsaken.  He will take care of me!!!!

He Hears Me When I Pray

For the past week, i've been struggling with cold feet at night.  I tried sleeping with my shoes on, wrapping my feet in extra layers.  All to no avail. So last night I just prayed that God keep me warm and keep my fee warm.  This morning, I woke up and the temperature was 22 degrees.  My feet were quite toasty.  I thank God that He hears me when I pray.

Last night I went to see the much anticipated, For Colored Girls.  LOVED IT!!!!!!!!  I've loved this choreopoem since I was in the 9th grade.  I co-starred in a local version of it at the community college here and I fell in love with it all over again.  Tyler Perry did a phenomenal job!!!!!!!  I can't wait to go see it again.  Actually, I can wait, I have no money to go see it again.  

For Colored Girls

I can't remember if I talked about this or not, but I was in the play, For Colored Girls:  Who've Considered Suicide when the Rainbow is Enuf.  I played the Lady in Brown.  We has so much fun.  Well, that was until we were kicked off the cast for being late.

Memories...... LOL

Working 9 to 5

I've only worked 24 hours this week, so I won't have a full paycheck next week.  Also, I  haven't been called to work yet.  I'm not sure how God is going to work this out, but I need to work next week.  I did register for unemployment just in case they don't call me to work.  I'm also going to call Gloria to see if she needs me to bring her resume.  Hopefully, she can get me in for an interview the week of the 15th instead of the 22nd.  Initially she said they wanted to the person in the position by December 1.  I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm Legal

Yay!!

The other day, I mentioned in a blog that I've been driving illegally.  However, I went to the DMV and talked to the hearing officer. He said that I'm legal to drive, however, I can't renew my license in May 2011 without paying the $70 reinstatement fee. I also have to pay $30 to get a new license. UGH!! It cost so much to drive. So now I just need to get insurance and I"m good for my new job.

My Feet, My Hair, My Eye

I can't seem to figure out how to keep my feet warm. I have three layers--two blankets and a fur lined suede coat that I use to keep warm at night, but for some reason my feet stay cold. I think I'm going to try a few more layers. 

My hair turned out to be cute. It wasn't quite like the picture that I showed. It was more like this: 

I hope these people don't mind me using their pics. I"m not brave enough to put my pic up yet.

So, my hair is cute for now. I hope this last about 2 weeks. I takes me about 3 hours to twist my hair and I let it dry overnight, this is a 24 hour process.

I woke and my one of my contacts was gone. I couldn't figure out why my sight was so blury, but it wasn't until I was trying to read something that I realized that between the time I went to sleep and the time I woke up, my left contact went missing. UGH!!

I don't have money to get new contacts. I'm not sure what to do. I've been driving really slowly and carefully to make sure I don't hit or run over something.

Just checked my account

Yep, I overdrafted one check.  My bank charged me $29.  The gas station is gonna charge me $25, dag.

I also checked how much it would cost me to get car insurance.  Safe Auto offered $90 a month with a $80 deposit. Progressive offered $107 a month.  I like progressive because it offers comprehensive collision coverage.  Now, I need to figure out how I"m gonna pay for it.  I have $110.  My check next Friday will be about $200.  I'm thinking about applying for unemployment since I'm not sure if I will be working next week.  I'm not sure how fast it takes to get unemployment.

New Drivers License

I've been without a drivers license since November 2009.

Yes, I've been driving illegally.  Here's the story....


March 2009
I was driving a student to the bus station because he needed to buy a ticket to visit a college in Ohio.  He had no family that could do this for him and because my job was to make sure that my students got into college, I took on the responsibility to help him.  On my way to the bus station I got lost.  So instead of going to the next town and turning around I took a U-turn on the highway.  Yes, I know it was illegal, but I didn't have the time to drive for 20 minutes because I could turn around.  Well, I got stuck in the mud in the center of the highway and I had to call a town truck and the police came to give me a ticket for the illegal U turn.  I paid the $25 and went on my way.

May 2009
I was driving more students to visit a college in St. Louis.  I needed to get back to school at a certain time, so I was speeding.  I got a ticket--$75.  I went to court, plead guilty and paid my fine over a 3 month period.

June 2009
I was driving home from a weekend out of town in St. Louis.  I was driving up Route 48 and the police stopped me and told me I was speeding.  It was 1am and it was raining.  I told the officer I had no reason to speed.  It was raining.  I told him that I didn't believe I was speeding.  He said I was.  I didn't want to give him my license, so he let me go with the ticket.

August 2009
I get a letter in the mail saying that since I got 3 tickets within a year's time, my license was suspended for 6 months.  WHAT??????  When did this become the law???????  I was so mad.  I hadn't even plead guilty to the last ticket.  I was gonna go to court to tell them that I wasn't speeding because I did not believe that I was.    I called the circuit clerk in the county and was told that there was an ex parte judgement against me because I didn't show up for court.  Well, I didn't show up because I had lost the ticket and didn't know when the date was.  So I had to pay $75 or I had to pay extra money to get the judgement taken away, go to court again to plead not guilty and then have the judge decide if i was guilty or not.  I didn't do anything.  I just let it sit and sit and sit until in June 2010, I finally paid the ticket.

May 2010
My suspension is up, but I'm afraid that it will cost me upwards of $500 to get my license back, so instead of driving to the DMV, I just let it go.

Now, I've applied for a job that requires me to have a valid drivers license and valid insurance.  Which I let lapse in January.  I had no license and no legal right to drive, so what's the point of insurance?

Now I must get insurance.  I"m going to the DMV today to see what I can do to get it back.  I pray that God grant me favor!!!!!

I'm Afraid

I'm so afraid to look at my online bank statement.

When I got paid on Friday I had to use a lot of my money to help out with a project at my church.  I also spent money to get a room for the night, so I didn't have much left over for gas to go to work in the other city.  So I wrote a check.  Actually I wrote 2 checks.  I also loaned my friend (the one who let me sleep at her house) $40 because she really needed it and I borrowed $70 from her in September and didn't pay her back until a month later.  So, now I"m afraid to see if those checks bounced.  I can't afford to pay for bounced checks but I don't know what else to do when I need gas.

Father God,

Please help me out with this.  I don't think I can take it if those checks were bounced.  There are only 2 gas stations that take checks without having to run them through telecheck system.  Those gas stations also serve cold sandwiches, hotdogs and hot pockets, which I buy to eat because I can't go to Walmart or Kroger to buy groceries.

God, please help me!!!!

Replacement

It's getting a little annoying that my boss and co-workers are planning my replacement while I'm there.  I know I told them that I had an interview, but man.  I wish the elephant wasn't in the room when they talked about prospects.  It's quite awkward.

In other news....

I got a call from a transitional housing program today.  I actually called them about three weeks ago.  The problem is that this program is run by people I know.  I've volunteered for this program since 2003, so when I called I didn't give my real name.  Now that I've been called back, I'm nervous.  Yes, I want a place to live, but to see all the people that I've worked with and have them know that I'm homeless is a little stressful.  I guess, it's my pride, but I don't know how to handle it.

Actually, My Hair Looks Like This

Seriously!

At the gym there is a sauna and I love to sit in there.  On Monday I came out and when my hair dried, it looked just like Crabmans.  Not pretty.  So, I just spent the last 3 hours twisting it.  I hope my head doesn't freeze in the cold tonight.  I need something to cover it while it dries.  On tomorrow it will look like this:




Well, sort of.  My hair isn't as long as hers, but that was the closest pic I could find.