HIV & Zombies

CB came to spend the night on Saturday. I have not had sex. I haven't been in the mood. One reason is because I don't want to sin and another reason is because I went through his phone and I saw that he's been texting and dating other women so I'm not interested anymore.

While I was tossing and turning in my bed I had a dream that he tested positive for HIV.

WHAT????

I hope this isn't real!!

I can't remember much of the dream, but I woke up praying for him.

Then on Sunday night I had a dream about zombies.

WOW!!!

What is going on?????

Anyway, today is Christmas and even though CB is here right now I still feel alone. I mean I had plans to spend the entire day with him. WHY did I have those plans? We HAVE NEVER SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY TOGETHER. But I bought cute Christmas PJs for us to wear and I bought stockings that I hung over the fire place. My fantasy was that we'd have a wonderful Christmas day.

Well, my bubble has burst. He didn't get here until around 2pm then he left around 4. And he just got back. WOW, I can't believe that I spend $40 on Christmas PJs. They will be returned tomorrow.

I'm in a funk about it, but at least he helped me with my office.

All the Men I'm Dating Pt 3

Gov Guy:  I met Gov Guy in 2016. I was really into him, but I didn't think we were a perfect match. I mean, I'm looking for someone who wants the same lifestyle as I do and going to church and praising Jesus wasn't his jam. But he was a good guy and he wanted to have children. I moved way too fast with him and emotionally I was JACKED UP for a long time!! So I broke up with him. Since I was having so much trouble with Mr Ohio I reached out to Gov Guy, which was a bad mistake. But in reaching out he told me that he had a stroke shortly after we stopped talking OMG!!!

He was in the hospital for 3 months. He had to relearn how to walk and be self sufficient. He was now living in Jacksonville, FL with his brother and he wasn't interested in having anymore children. But he was interested in me. OMG!! So we talk on the phone almost every day, but I'm just not into him. And it was a huge mistake reaching out to him. I did make plans to visit him while in FL this winter. I'll see how that goes.

So since I first started writing about all the men I was dating I am now down to only dating one: CB.

This is a rocky situation....

While the hurricane was coming to the west coast CB decided to come back to Illinois. He sent me a a text asking when we could see each other and he said he was in Illinois. WOW.

We start to hang out and I notice that he's only coming to my house. I then ask him why he never invites me to come over. This is when he tells me that he's living in the church. WHAT?

Yea, his dad has a church and he has a blow up bed and desk in one of the rooms in the church. WHY?

I HAVE NO IDEA!!

But, I don't ask him. Instead I ask him, "how long are you gonna be living in the church?" I mean you say you have all these houses? Why are you not living in one of them? He doesn't answer me. He replies, "I could be in my house today on ....." I ask again, "So how long are you gonna be staying at the church?" His reply, "I already have power on at ...."

Why was he not answering my question?  I asked, "HOW LONG...."

I asked him if he was avoiding the questions, he said he's not. He just felt comfortable there.

WHAT??

Who wants to LIVE in a church? How do you raise a family living in a church? Not a parsonage? The actual church, like you are the priest or something. He has children. Does his children visit him at the church?

I'm not gonna say it's strange, just NOT IDEAL. I'm not visiting you at the church. He showed me his living quarters one day while we were video chatting. Like that makes it normal??

That's one problem with the relationship.

The other is the fact that I don't believe he's being real with me. I mean you say you want to be married, but I ask to see your finances. I believe that's a reasonable request. You want to know if I"m a freak in the bed and I want to know how financially secure you are.

He said he could let me see them.

Then the biggest mistake happened....

Yep, we had sex.

OMG!!! WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYY???????

We had a habit of him coming to my house and we'd sit on the sofa and somethings we'd be close and this one night he left late and I invited him back. We got into bed in our clothes, but of course I could not sleep and my hands did some walking and in ended down his pants. Then his pants came off and my clothes came off and his face was between my legs.

It wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst. There is great potential there, but it was not a good move. Then the next night he stayed the night and we did it again. This time it was worse because his member wouldn't work. Which is understandable because we are both Christian and we love Jesus, but we are sinning. So our spirits don't want to sin, it's our body. The next day he wanted to come over, but not have sex. I agreed that that would be fine and we slept next to each other---naked. Which is what have in common. We both like to sleep naked.

We actually have a lot in common, but the sin was taking a toll because emotionally I was losing it. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore--twice.  Hmmm, this is becoming a pattern.

We talked briefly about sex and how it's not a good thing, but I also mentioned to him that we don't spend time together, we don't talk, I have no idea what his goals and plans are. As a matter of fact anytime I try to talk to him he cuts me off and dominates the conversation. I believe that we could be a really great couple, but one BIG issue is that he's a Bishop (yep I'm screwing the Bishop) and he goes to a different church. And I'm NOT CHANGING MY MEMBERSHIP, EVER unless Jesus tells me to which I don't believe is likely. I believe that I am where I am because Jesus wants me there and I"m not jeopardizing my life by leaving.

So here we are a month after he's been in town and I love him and I want it to work, but I don't know how it will.

Oh yea and I forgot the fact that the third time we had sex I got a cold sore that morning. I asked him if he gets cold sores, he said he hadn't in a long time. But I got one and we were kissing. UGH!! That cold sore plagued me for 2 weeks. OMG. Then a week ago I got a yeast infection and now I've got to go see my gyn because my situation down there is not right. Something fishy going on down there. OMG, I HATE THIS!!!

I hate that we've sinned and I hate that he may not be the one for me. I need Jesus to help me, please!!

All the Men I'm Dating Pt 2

I've talked about CB (who is currently in the hurricane in North Carolina), now on to the next guy that I'm talking too....

Lets call him B Real. I met B Real on POF around the same time I started talking to CB. His profile said he was from Springfield. We chatted back and forth and he told me that he owned his own HVAC company. There wasn't much chemistry and the text back and forth were mundane, but I kept at it. A few weeks after started talking he said he would like to meet me. The problem was my work schedule was crazy, so he finally asked me to come to his party in Springfield. He was a member of a motorcycle club and they were throwing this huge party. I told him I would attend. He wanted to meet me before the party, but our schedules weren't lining up so the party would be our first meeting.

I wasn't too concerned about that. I was cute for the party!!

I showed up and we met and I was pleased. He was a good looking guy. But after we met he went to the restroom and didn't come back.

Hmmmmm,

I'm not sure why he didn't come back, but it was dark outside (the party was outside at night) and I began to respond to a text I got from Mr. Ohio. I looked around the crowd for him and saw him talking to a group of women. I was trying to make myself seen so that he could join me since I was all alone. It was awkward being at a party all by myself not knowing anyone. As I as responding to a text from Mr Ohio, another man noticed the glow of my phone in the dark and came to talk to me. He introduced himself as, "Black." He said that his motorcycle club was responsible for the party. We chatted and soon I saw B Real walking over to us. I was waiting on him to interrupt or at least let it be known that I was here at the party wth him. Nope, he stood off to the side while Black was chatting me up. I mentioned to Black that I was here with him (pointing at B Real) and Black emphatically said, "Well, it doesn't look like he here with you."

He had a good point. Here I was sitting here for 20 minutes and no one was talking to me so it looked like I was at the party alone.

It got to the point in the conversation with Black that he was going to ask me for my number, so I took out my phone and text B Real, "Your boy tryna get my digits, what's up with that?"

Basically, I was trying to have him rescue me, but instead rescuing me he came over and said, "If you giving out your number, you can have a good night!"

WHAT???  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I showed him that text I sent him and he said his phone was dead.

I expected him to rescue me then, but he still didn't step into the conversation. So Black asked to show me around. I got up and walked around with him. B Real didn't like this, "Really," he said as we walked past him. But, what was I supposed to do at that point? I mean I came to a party to meet you and you ignore me until someone else steps to me.

So I walked around with Black as he showed me all the bikes and took me to meet people. I wasn't interested Black at all, but I didn't want to sit by myself at a party where I knew no one. Black began to ask me about myself and I asked him was he single.....this is when it got interesting.

He told me he wasn't single and that his girlfriend was back at home in Chicago. His girlfriend that he lived with.

WAIT, WHAT???

At that point I was making my exit. But before I could B Real came to me to tell me one more time that if I had a good time and gave out my number, I didn't need to talk to him anymore.

Then he called me Kim.

WHAT?????

My name is NOT Kim. I told him and his response was, "I've been drinking."

Black walked me to my car and that was that.

The next morning he thanked me for coming and said that if I gave out my number it was cool.

WHATEVER!!

I reassured him that I wasn't thinking about that dude. A week later he came to my church and we had a proper date. He said it was his way of redeeming himself. We went to Applebees after church.

But, church was a little confusing....he didn't let me know that he was there (I'm in the balcony on Sunday working multi-media) and when service was over instead of coming to find me he was leaving. I had to run out the building to catch him. And then he acted like we didn't make plans to meet after church. So it was awkward again. He texted me to ask if we were meeting up. Why would he text that? I thought that was the plan, So we ate at Applebees. Then he left. Again it was awkward because I thought we were gonna spend more time together so I get this text about 20 min after he leaves saying that he wanted to spend more time with me. Then why did you leave? I don't understand.

So we text back forth and I told him that I could come to visit him since he came to see me. This is when I realized that he wasn't from Springfield. He lived in Homewood, IL.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS MISREPRESENTING THEMSELVES?

I liked him but how was this gonna work? So I didn't pay too much attention to him until he called me the next Sunday, "Tell that n*gga, that his time is up?" Basically, he thought that I was seeing someone else because I wasn't really talking to him. Really, I wasn't talking to him because there wasn't much chemistry and he lived in Homewood and I didn't like the fact that his profile said Springfield. Was he trying to just meet someone for the party?

I really think that was the case.

He's a part of this motorcycle group and they have meet ups all over the country. He could just be changing his profile for all the cities that they visit.

So here it is a weeks later and I am in a blah mood concerning him.

To Be continued......

All The Men I'm Dating

The title of this post is deceitful. I'm not dating a lot of men....

I had a dating profile in POF and I’m talking to several different men. So here is a run down of the guys:

CB: I’ve know CB since 2005. I don’t really know him, but we met in 2005. His brother, MisicBox, and I were really good friends. We hung out all the time. When he talked about his brother, CB, there was always a tinged of rivalry going on. So I meet CB on the dating app and he tells me he’s always had a crush on me. Wow. I didn’t know that. But I’m interested. I mean, I was never interested in MusocBox which makes this situation kind of weird. The issue with CB is we don't talk. Over the few weeks that I've tried to get to know him, I've gotten a little annoyed with him. There is no natural conversation. Long awkward silences. What does that mean?

Another annoying thing...he doesn't pronounce my name correctly and he is very sexually flirtatious.

If you are going to be suggestive and flirt that way with me, at least pronounce my name correctly. This is a great turnoff. It all began when he started a game of truth and dare through text. I guess this was his way of trying to get me to talk about sex. My questions were really trying to get to know who he was. His questions were about sex. Had I thought of him sexually? The answer was emphatically, "NO," because I truly had not. I mean he reminds me so much of Musicbox that it's weird thinking about him sexually. I was NOT attracted to Musicbox and he looks like him so why would I be attracted to him. He personality and the way he was acting made it worse.

The other thing that annoyed me was him over inflating himself.

He said he was retired. He's 38.

WHAT?

Retired means you DO NOT work at all. You hang out and do what you want to do all the time. Not make money because you HAVE money. Which is not what he's doing in North Carolina or South Carolina or wherever he is...I can't keep up. He's there working because he doesn't  have any money to get back to Illinois. Which is odd....it doesn't seem like he live in Illinois. It seems like he lives in the Carolinas. I mean he's been there since the end of July and its not mid September. So I think he's a little confused. He IMO'd me and he was making kissy faces when I told him goodbye. It was gross...not sexy at all. Yuck!!

To be continued....

Prophetic Dream

The dream I had last night was interesting. PTG was in the dream and I was sitting next to Miranda. PTG came to Miranda and told her that he sees a gold band on her ring finger soon. Basically he was telling her that she would be married soon. Then he looked at me, I was feeling a little envious because Miranda is a young woman in her twenties and here I am in my forties. What about me was my thinking. So he looked at me and said, “how old are you?”  I told him that I was over 40, I was 41. He said, “align yourself with the word of God.”  Basically he was telling me that in order for me to get married I need to live the word of God, be accountable to Gods word, do what the word says and then I’ll get married.

There was something else in the dream but I don’t remember it. But then I woke up.

Wow. Help me Jesus to live your word.

The Preacher In My Dreams

I had a dream about a student, I do not know the student's name. I see him all the time and I think he's a senior so I don't think I'll be able to find him to ask his name. But in my dream he was a preacher. Maybe a pastor even, but he was a preacher and he was preaching. There were others in the dream too, my Apostle, but I don't remember anyone else. It was an odd dream and why was I dreaming about him?

Interesting.

My Mind Thinks The Worst

We are inherently negative people. I don't know where this comes from (actually Satan is the father of lies, so that is where this comes from), but our mind just thinks the worst.

WHY?

I was listening to a story of a woman who would swallow things because in her mind, she was hearing something tell her that if she didn't swallow a specific thing her mom would die or something bad would happen to someone she loved. So she started swallowing things--nails, forks, other objects. She had so many surgeries that she had to have a surgery to remove the scar tissue from all the other surgeries she had.

Our minds are powerful and what we believe is powerful.  The problem is, we have to BELIEVE the RIGHT things!!!

This woman believed that if she didn't swallow these objects something bad would happen. This was not true. What we believe is who we are and what controls our life.

I started reading a book, "Own Your Glow," and on the first page was a buddist quote, "All the things we are is the result of what we have thought."  But, God said it first, "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Proverbs 23:7.

As a matter of fact, Earl Nightingale said it best when he issued a challenge about thinking positive.

I started reading the glow book and then looked at my email. I got an innocuous email, but my mind went to a bad place. The email basically said that we are adding a person to our team. So my mind made me nervous and I started thinking that I was being replaced. WHY? Why would I think that? I mean adding a person to the team does not mean that I am being replaced.  WHY would I think that?Why am I thinking negative. One....because of experience. In the past I HAVE been replaced, so to protect myself I thought of it first so that I could be prepared for it when it comes. BUT, that may not be what's happening. So why think negatively? Why not think that adding to the team means growth?

OMG....God I need help!!!

Over 40

I am officially over 40 years old. WOW. I don't feel it at all!!

But, I thank God for my life and this journey that He has me on. To GOD BE THE GLORY!!

It Gets Hard Sometimes Pt2

In 2010 I got a call from my brother. There was a settlement from my grandmother's will and the lawyers needed all of our addresses. From there, we kept getting notifications in the mail from the lawyers. Every month for about 6 or 7 months we were getting notices. It listed all of the beneficiaries. So I decided to contact one and it turned out to be my cousin who was fighting for us. We developed a relationship and kept in touch.

So that leads to now.....

When I walked into the hospital room. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure my dad didn't recognize me, but he was opening his eyes and moving. I was glad for this because I thought he was a vegetable or something. I asked him if he could squeeze my hand. He shook his head, "yes," but he didn't squeeze. I just sat with him. There was so much to say, but it didn't feel right to say it and WHAT exactly do I want to say?

I needed you, where were you? Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you fight for me? Why didn't you be a man and take care of me?

I am a 40 year old woman and I STILL WANT MY DAD!!

I STILL WANT HIM!!!

I don't know what the love of a father is.....

God, help!! I know the Bible says, "He will be a father to the fatherless....." and that SHOULD be enough, but why can't I be okay with just that?

God help!!!

It Gets Hard Sometimes

I have been searching for my dad for a LOOOONNNGGG time. Two years ago I was at a pseudo family reunion and I asked my great aunt where he was. She hemmed and hawed and then said she wasn't sure where he was. Then she asked another aunt and then someone else. My cousin then told me that she would call me.

She never did.

Also, at that time I didn't have my brother's number (he had changed phones and didn't update me) and I wasn't that comfortable even asking him. So I was left in the cold as it relates to my dad.

I got a text from my brother on yesterday telling us that dad was in the hospital and it wasn't looking good. He was found on the floor unresponsive. They don't know how long he was on the floor. His breathing was shallow. They got him to the ER quickly. He was intubated and admitted to the ICU. My brother headed to Rockford and three hours later I was on the highway headed that way too.

I was a little nervous because I hadn't seen my dad in almost 20 years. Yep, as soon as I found him, I lost him.

Back story....


I prayed and prayed to meet my dad when I was 18 years old. God answered those prayers a year later. I was helping to chaperone my cousins at a carnival in Jefferson Barracks. A man walks up to me, "Do you know who I am?" I had no clue.

"I'm your dad."

WOW, I was stunned. This is what I prayed for. Now that I have it, what?

We talked and he introduced me to his children, Trenika, and Munshy (Tim, Jr.).  I told him about me and he gave me his address and phone number.

When I got home I picked up my sister and we rode to his house. He called his mom and I was introduced to this whole new world. A few weeks later I met my grandmother (or was reintroduced to my grandmother). I was happy. I had wanted a daddy.

I had a daddy, but not a good one and I NEEDED a father to help me navigate this world.

But, what I found was that my dad...my new dad wasn't any different than my old dad (my stepdad). My stepdad was an alcoholic and so was my new dad.

DANG!!!

But, I still wanted the relationship. So I tried to keep in touch.

He moved, I moved....I still had my grandmother's number but because of caller ID, she wouldn't answer the phone when I called because my number had changed.

I tried and tried to reach out over the years. Finally, the internet was my new tool. I kept googling my dad's name. In 2008-09 a name finally came up on FB.  It was my brother. I reached out to him and we reconnected. He gave me the tea on the last 10 years in our family. Basically, our grandmother had died and his mom had died and dad has lost his mind and no one knew where he was.

Dang.....This was exhausting news, but I tried to stay in touch.

To Be Continued....

Standing My Ground

We went to see, The Quiet Place. It was a good movie...my eyes were closed for half the movie, but I enjoyed my time. He doesn't understand that I'm not looking for a casual relationship, so this prohibits me from being open with him...open physically and emotionally. My brain won't allow me to do it. So after the movie there was this awkward time when we were hanging out at his house on the couch...barely touching. I was exhausted and I wanted to be close to him, but I was praying for the strength to leave.

"You not gonna stay are you," he asked?

I was quietly watching TV. We cuddled. I missed the cuddled.

"Dang, I'm gonna have to leave him," was my thought. This felt good, but I knew it HAD to end.

Why is this so hard?

I sat on the sofa and the strength came from my stomach. LOL.

Yep, my stomach was bubbling. It was the taco bell I ate earlier. There is no way that I was gonna stay the night at his house with the bubble guts. I told him I needed to leave and he was so pissed, whiny even.

As we walked to the door we were touchy feely and all over each other. He tried to coax me up the stairs....

"If my back wasn't hurting, I'd carry you," he said as he was unbuckling my bra.

DANG IT!!

I was struggling to maintain my stance. I liked the way he kissed me and touched me and put my hand in his pants to touch him. But maintain I did and I left him sitting on the stairs looking solemn.

I'm Not Playing Dumb No More: God, Help My Flesh

So Ohio caved and sent me a text and I've been corresponding with him. I even sent him a selfie today. But, I need to pause and breathe. As much as I like being in a relationship and I enjoy his company, I CAN NOT get sucked back in.

Dang,

I don't miss him, I miss the intimacy (not the sex, but the closeness) that we shared. I missed being wanted and desired.

Dang.

But, I can't move forward. I feel like it's a trick disguised in a nice package. I mean....I had a moment yesterday where I remembered a dream I had a long time ago and he was in my dream. No, I didn't know his name back then, and I don't think he was significant in the dream, I just remembered him.

That means something, right? RIGHT?

But, that's just another smoke screen.

As much as I want to hang with him and get back involved, I CAN'T. My life depends on it, my sanity, my spirit, my destiny depends on it. So I thank God for the strength and I thank God that I'm killing this part of my flesh...the part that will ignore the fact that he's the wrong person just because I want and desire closeness and intimacy.

God, helps us (my spirit, soul, and body.)

Yep, He Caved

I was determined not to communicate with him. I mean, it's OVER and there is no good reason to go backwards. So I deleted his number, deleted his text and God gave me the strength to put him out of my mind....kind of.

So, I get a text today..., "I miss you," and really I'm not surprised. As a matter of fact I was expecting it.

I told him I missed him and he said he was sorry for whatever it was he did. LOL. He's funny. He didn't do anything. We just aren't made for each other. I mean, what is the purpose of the relationship?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

The only benefit I get from the relationship is having someone around when I'm feeling lonely. So he's a place filler. That's it. I mean I wish it was more, but it's not and I have come to terms with that and I'm not hoping for anything else.

As a matter of fact I'm not even wanting a relationship right now. I mean if I meet someone and we click, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, but I'm not seeking and I'm not wishing and hoping like I used to. I'm done being crazy.

I'm done!!

Feelin' Him

During January my church does a corporate fast for 21 days starting Jan 1. I try to get my focus back during this time. Last year was super hard because of my relationship with Gov guy, so I was determined to make this year better, but Mr Ohio was an obstacle. I didn't want to see him during the fast. I mean we had sex on December 30 and I have a hard time telling him "no." So I needed to pull out all the stops to stay away from him. But, he called me in the middle of the fast and I bought him a cute label pin. He loves camo print so I saw a camo print lapel pin that was so cute and I wanted to get it for him so I ordered it and when he called on a Thursday I told him I was coming his way. 

"It's Thursday," he said. 

"So, what that mean?" was my answer. 

I mean who is the weekend chic? He tried to make me the side piece and he's single? 

But he's married to his job and everything else comes after that. So he's making me the weekend chic.

I went to see him and I took his box. He liked it and gave me a hug. He let me know his back was hurting and I could see the pain when he was walking.  We went to sleep and I got up the next morning and left. 

On the drive home my back started hurting. 

WHAT is going on?

I didn't sleep wrong AT ALL. I was feeling HIM!! OMG, we didn't have sex, but that spirit attacked me. DANG!!

Spirits are no joke, it's real. I know that I know that I know that my back wasn't hurting.

It reminded me of Football guy in college. I was fasting and I ended up sleeping with him. The problem is he injured his back while stretching. And he wasn't able to sit up, but he was able to have sex. so we did it and the next day I had the same pain he had. I had to lay flat on my back for a week. 

As a matter of fact I still have that pain after all these years. It only shows up when I've been sitting incorrectly for a long time or when I'm stressed.  God, I need you to deliver me!! These spirits can attach themselves to you and they don't want to let go. I've tried muscle relaxants, massage therapy and now I'm getting ready to try a chiropractor, but I know it won't work because this is a spirit that has attached itself to me because of a bad relationship. 

The day after leaving Mr Ohio's house I bent down and pulled a muscle hurting my back even more. DANG!! It took almost 2 weeks before my back stop hurting. I am SO glad I didn't have sex with him. I mean, he had a heart attack. I don't NEED that spirit!!!

I’ve Been Using The Wrong Scripture

I went to see the movie Molly’s Game and I don't know much about poker. As a matter of fact the poker aspect of the movie I didn't understand, but I was fascinated because of one thing.....MONEY.

Those people spent (wasted) so much money gambling. Millions and millions of dollars were exchanging hands. I was blown away.

The Bible tells us that the wealth of the wicked is laid up for those who are righteous. So I now know how to redirect my prayers.

We Broke Up....FRFR

I've been trying to get away from Mr Ohio. I mean it's just not a good situation. It's 2005-06 all over again with Mr. Simmons. How the heck did I get here?

It was a trick.

God, how in the world?

So I've been avoiding him lately, but my emotions get the best of me, so I told him that I was going to Chicago over the weekend. I actually presented it to him as an option: see him or go to Chicago.

He told me to go and have fun.

WHAT??

Then he text back, "Take me with you..."

WHAT??

I've tried forever to get out of town together and he's never obliged. So why in the world would this be different. So I went and got what I needed and came back home. I wasn't gonna see him at all, but I reached out on Saturday, "Wyd?"

He told me he was doing nothing, so we made plans for me to come over.

I showered and put of my fishnets and thigh boots and got my bag of tricks (toys) got on the road to head to his house. Yes, I had on clothes, a cute black cover up. I made it to his house and he liked what he saw, but not enough to WANT me. I mean who shows up at your door half naked and you don't get naked?  So we sat for two hours and watched a movie.

WOW!!!

He didn't want me to wear my boots in his bed. We get to his bed and he's not romantic at all. I mean, I am half naked and you don't want to unsnap my bra??????

"Take those clothes off....." is all he said.

Well, at that point I was sleepy and the fire was gone. I mean, I was ready two hours ago now I just wanna go to sleep. So I told him I was sleepy.

He was in bed naked. I didn't realize this.

He NEVER sleeps without a white t-shirt on. I didn't realize he was naked until he started slapping me on my leg with his small package.

It wasn't even hard. WTH??

Finally I asked about the back and got my toys out...so unromantic. so nonchalantly. I mean I didn't want to sleep with him anyway, but since I was there, I might as well. I asked him if I could use the nipple clamps. "Noooooo, I don't like pain?" I asked him if his nipples were sensitive and I reassured him that I wouldn't hurt him, but he still protested." Well, I really didn't reassure, but I did tell him it wouldn't hurt much....

OMG....a mood killer. I mean there was no mood anyway.

So, I just laid there in the bed silently. He started turning off the candles.. LOL and he got out the bed and put his t-shirt and underwear off.

I waited until he was snoring and I got my things and left. I was praying that he didn't wake up. I hope he didn't. It was so awkward. But this felt right. This felt like and open door to leave the relationship and I walked out of it.

I texted Music Camp and he was sleep, so I halfway cried on the way home. I did cry when I got home and I was sad all day on Sunday. My heart was broken again.....BUT IT'S OVER!!

God, I can't believe I'm here again!!!

Why Am I So Nice

So Mr Ohio hasn't left me alone. I keep trying to get away from him. How many times have I found myself in this situation?

The only reason I like him is because of his character, but that's also why I don't like him. But when he calls me I talk to him. It was funny the Golfer called me one time and asked me why a lady he talked to a year ago all of a sudden has called him. I told him, "She's trying to keep hope alive."

That's the way I feel with Mr Ohio. I talk to him because deep down I have this hope that he likes me enough to want to be with me.

Speaking of the Golfer. He stopped talking to me.  He started dating Maria. He didn't want to go on a date with her and he joked about me meeting him at the coffee shop to go meet her. We laughed about it. Apparently it was a good date because they went to a movie and then to Hooters to round out the night. They shut the restaurant down.  Since then he has been out with her and she has visited him abt his house.

Now the sexting has begun.

He forwarded me a video of a half naked video she sent him and then he recorded himself half naked and sent it to her. He showed me that video too. We chatted about it. I can say it was a little awkward at and not because I was jealous--I was truly happy for him and I knew that he was going to start dating her. I just knew it, but what made it awkward was the fact that he was a guy and I'm a girl. If this was a girl friend forwarding me a video from a guy half naked, I would have commented on the guy and how he looked. Something like, "Ooooooohhhh girl, he is HOT." And then I would we would have talked about her sleeping with him. But this was a guy sending me a vid of a half naked girl. Yea she was cute, but not in a, "she's hot, I wish I was getting with her," type of thing. I mean, how do you comment on a half naked girl if you aren't into girls.

So I asked an awkward question, "Are you gonna sleep with her?" Which is what I would have asked a girl friend in this situation, but it would have been in a giddy way, not in an awkward, "soooo aaareee you.....gonna sleeeeeppp with her?"

We muddled through the situation like we always do.

After that we talked the next day and then nothing. I texted him 4 times over the next 10 days and got nothing.

I miss my friend.

I know he was only friends with me because he wanted me, but I didn't have the capacity for more. I enjoyed our time and I loved the fact that I could talk to him about anything. I mean anything. I mean who beside him knows that I've been a prostitute and still was friends with me? He didn't judge. He just listened.

I miss that.

Now What?? Revelations & Failure

The Golfer and I have been talking and he asked me about my insecurities and weaknesses. I began to tell him about how I've failed at numerous projects and situations in my life and how this has taken a toll on my confidence.

He shared with me his weakness being procrastination and how for 17 years he's been where he is and he hasn't moved up in his job or his life. He then asked me about my regrets and my mind went back to 2001 and 2002. This was right before and when I met Mister. Mister was a good guy, but we never were meant to be together. As a matter of fact the Golfer reminds me of Mister so I feel like God is giving me another change to make a better decision.

After our conversation I began to think about it....I've been stuck for 16 years.

WOW!!

I have not grown spiritually in 16 years. Yes, I've made some "money move" and I've gone back to school, but spiritually I'm no further. I have knowledge about some things, but no really movement. No I am NOT the same person but I've been stagnant.

And that got me to wondering why? What has been going on in my life for the past 16 years that have stopped me from progressing?

MEN....

Not any men, but me wanting to be in a relationship, me hooking up with the wrong men, me attaching myself and having the wrong me attach themselves to me.

Yep, the once constant in my failures have been the wrong relationships.

Which goes in line with the revelation I had when Mr Ohio broke my heart.

After Mr. Ohio broke my heart, I made it up in my mind and heart that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I allowed it to distract me from my goals and when it goes south I sulk which causes me to be stagnant. So the full revelation came from my conversations with the Golfer.

And I THANK GOD for that revelation and I feel like now I can move and LIVE AGAIN. I know what the problem was, so I can root that problem out and get to moving which is what I"m doing now.

Now, I just need to know what I need to do with The Golfer??  I like him, he's not the one for me (as least in his present state) and his friendship has served his purpose, but I don't know how to transition it.

Dreams Restored

I have been substitute ongoing since late October. I wasn't going to do a long term position this spring, but I was asked if I could Do a week in 3rd grade until the new teacher was hired. I agreed. I'm glad I did. At first I was nervous because the 3rd graders at the other school were difficult. But, these 3rd graders are manageable. Anyway, while teaching at the other school I realized that one of the students who was misbehaving could not read. I had Netflix opened and the movie, Meet the Robinsons was on the screen. The boy was trying to read the title to the movie and he said "Met the..." and he couldn't read the word "Robinsons." Met, not Meet. How are you in the third grade and you don't know the word "meet?"

This bothered me, but at that moment I understood his behavior.

So, fast forward to now and I was teaching a reading lesson and I asked one student to read. He could not read the words. He was also a student who had behavior problems and he would throw a tantrum when he was disciplined. Again, on today I asked another student to read and he had a difficult time reading the word, "The." How does that happen?  There are about 5 boys in the class who have difficulty reading.

All of this made me remember Kasey (not his real name) who was a senior in my class when I taught at the high school. I took him along with his classmates to read to students in the 5th grade. He was reading an 8th grade level book and I was so embarrassed for him when he was at the front of the classroom stumbling over the words. He could barely read the book. I had to take over.

How does this happen?

I googled, "third grader can't...." and immediately it autofilled, "read."  This is a big issue. I mean as a former teacher I knew it and I've always heard the statistic about prisons being built because of third grade reading scores, but to see this in real life is overwhelming.

As I sat and worked with the student I just prayed for him. How was he going to succeed? What was his life going to be like in 10 years? 

My heart ached and I began to think about what it was I could do? I mean teachers have 20+ students to stop and teach one kid how to read, let alone 5.

I thought about all of the grants I've written for after school programs and how I tried and tried and failed at them. Then God began to remind me how I've always wanted to be apart of some type of supplemental education program to help students. After all, it was because of these programs that I was able to attend college. I began to remember the Illinois College Tour that I planned, but never made happen.

My heart ached more because these are things that I failed at and I know that failures are just lessons learned, but what do I do with all of these memories? Do I try again?

I mean I was able to redeem myself by being the music teacher and running the Christmas program.

God, what are you saying to me?

What do I do?

I don't want this to frustrate me....

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/my-third-grader-still-cant-read-what-do-i-do/article1345417/https://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/my-third-grader-still-cant-read-what-do-i-do/article1345417/

Things I Want God To Restore

1. My heart for God and His kingdom
2. My desire to do the will of God every day
3. My desire for prayer
4. My desire to read and study His word
5. Restore you spirit within me
6. A clean heart
7. A renewed mind
8. Innocence
9. Purity
10. Motivation

Psalms 143:1--Here my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!

Your Time Is Up

I don't watch award shows, but I did catch the highlights of Oprah in her speech and she said, "Your Time Is Up."

That's all I needed to hear. God has been saying this to me.....For some reason I have not been able to bring myself to type #MeToo and post it online. My case is a little different from the sexual harassment or sexual assault that many women have endured for years.

I was molested....by a cousin....and it led to incest with my sister until I was in the fourth grade.

I understand that #MeToo has been used to encompass all sexual abuse, but for me I didn't classify it or I didn't put in the same category. Yea, yea, I went to my situation with Price and Musicbox, and those are classified in that category, but the molestation and incest that I endured wasn't forced. It was kids who didn't know what they were doing, having sex with each other.

I was talking to the Golfer and he told me about a girl who was having sex at 12. I asked him how did that girl know what she was doing at 12? Who told her what sex was? Who showed her that? He even told me about him having sex and being sexualized as early as age 10. That boggles my mind because I had no clue what "sex" was even though I was doing it. I just knew that at night we would do this thing that felt good. I don't recall an orgasm or penetration, just oral sex that felt good. As a matter of fact I told the Golfer that I didn't have an orgasm from sex until I was 19 and he was shocked. And that is true. Yes, I masturbated for years and had orgasms, but having normal sex with a guy never produced an orgasm until I was 19.

Anyway, I say all this to say that #MeToo fit but it didn't. And I was frustrated with all the women and the boldness that was happening because I was shamed for standing bold and telling. And I carried that shame for many years. I still feel shame because when the Golfer and I was talking, I was able to tell him about Price and Musicbox, but not about the molestation. This is a guy that talks to a lot of women and they tell him so much and when he asks me questions I answer, but I don't usually offer my stories. But he makes me comfortable which reminds me of Mister. Mister is the ONLY man that I've told my secret to.

So I've lived with this for years and I've allowed it to burden me for years and I've accepted it as my cross to bear. I mean if I have to suffer anything I guess I want it to be this (not that I would chose, but that I know the ramifications of this and any new burden will be even more of a burden).

But, I do want to LIVE AGAIN and I DO WANT TO HOPE AGAIN. And I DO WANT TO FIGHT for my faith to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.

At the same time.....

5778=2018

According to Apostle Rogers, 5778 is the Hebrew year for 2018. The number 5 means grace, the number 7 means completion and the number 8 is a new beginning. In the Hebrew culture the number 18 means Chai or Life. So altogether the numbers mean LIFE.

2017 was a year of reformation and in 2018 God wants to transform what was into what will be and I have received the word that it is time to LIVE AGAIN!!

Isaiah 43:18-19.

Everything God promises to us, we must engage. I must embrace the new horizon.

1. Take the time to hide away with God. Give God priority in the business of my life. He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him. James 4:8
2. Establish a bold prayer life. Seek wisdom from God. Proverbs 19:18.
3. Start over. Ask God to restore lost promises in my life. Old things have passed away and all things have become new. Proverbs 21:21.
4. Let it go. Clean out all of yesterdays hurs and disappointments, and pains. Proverbs 27:19
5. Change my language. Declare in my life that the old is gone and God is doing a new thing. Proverbs 18:21
6. Make the Lord's words, my words. Ezekiel 3:1-3, 10. Jeremiah 15:16
7. Write down areas I am believing God to restore. Habakkuk 2:2-3
8. Be a giver. It rebukes the devourer. When I sow seeds it produces a harvest. 2 Corinthians 9:6

These are the beginnings of the days of acceleration--gaining speed in a short period of time. Deuteronomy 28:1-14.

Show Me Your Mind And I'll Show You Your Future

It is so true....

As a man thinkers in his heart, so is he.....

That's what the scripture says and God has said that for over 2000 years. Now we have The Secret that basically says the same thing. Also, Earl Nightingale was famous for his positive thinking theory. I've been working on my thinking and my mental health. The devil has always bombarded my mind with negativity about myself and others, however, I thank God for His word that is able to combat all of the lies. 

So as the year closes I want to get my mind focused on what is to come in 2018!