Do People Really Change?

I met this guy and I really like him...but I'm cautious. I don't need anymore heartbreak in my life. We've been on two dates and the last one included a limo ride and free dinner for two curtousy of a gift I won in a raffle. It was fun. I brought champagne (mock champagne) and we enjoyed ourselves. Some days I can see myself with him and some days I'm not sure. I'm not sure how much of Christ he has in his life and I'm a little fanatical and he seems a little docile (not sure if that's the correct word).

Anyway, we were having a discussion today and he said to me that he didn't believe that people changed. He said that their behaviors may change, but who they are stays that same. I mulled that around in my head trying to understand what he was saying and I had to disagree. Not only disagree, but I really DISAGREED. And I wanted to explain this to him, but he just politely said "that's fine, it's okay to disagree."  And that was that.

But, here is why I disagree....

I said to him, if a girl had low self-esteem and was promiscuous, but as she grew older realized that she didn't want to be that way anymore and she changed her thinking about herself and she was no longer promiscuous, does that mean she never change? He said emphatically, "no, she hadn't."

DAG!!!

But that girl was me and I KNOW that I AM a CHANGED person. I'm not the same girl that was looking for love in the arms of all the wrong men. As a matter of fact, I've only been with 2 guys in 5 years and for me, that's huge.

I didn't explain this to him because I didn't feel comfortable with him like that, but DANG!!

I know that in AA they always tell you that you are an alcoholic no matter how long you been sober, but I also know what the word of God says and there is NOTHING that is going to tell me that I'm different from what God says and God says that if Christ has made me free, then I am FREE.

If I"m in prison and they open the door to tell me I'm free to go, why would I stay?

If Christ has freed me and I am a new creature, then I'm not the same as what I used to be so I WON'T call myself that anymore!!

So YES people do change!!!

Nasty & Filthy

I had a dream this morning and it was so disturbing that I wanted to wake up.

Somehow I was in prison and upon my release I went home to a duplex and once I got inside it was so nasty and filthy. I can't really describe it, but as I went from one room to the next, I was more and more surprised as to how it could get worse and worse. Then I went to one room and there was a small child in that room. I recognized the child as my neighbor's child (no one I knew) and then I went to another room and the floor was so gross, sticky and just plain gross and there was another of my neighbor's children in that room. For some reason I felt like my neighbor had a lot of children, but I couldn't figure out why they were in my house and why my house was so nasty. The place was so nasty that I tried to wake myself up.

Eventually, I woke up and inquired unto God as to the meaning of the dream. I mean, I can be junky sometimes, but not like that. I mean, every once in a while I leave dishes in the sink, but nothing like that.

God was showing me my insides...

I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been faithful in keeping my life clean. My goal is sanctification and holiness, but my body is opposed to that goal. My body likes sex and sex as an unmarried person is unclean and unholy. I know the times we are living in...you know, it's your thing, do what you want to do with it. We are in the "DO YOU" society. But, there is still a standard to holiness and Right is STILL right and sin is STILL sin, regardless of what laws they pass.

So, I've got to get back together....

Business Planning

I'm working on a business plan for the nonprofit. It's for a for profit entity that will raise money, but also train people to become self-sufficient. The plan is to open a ice cream/candy shack and have people learn to run it and expand. This will grow into a career development program for youth and individuals.

Faux Mister

I signed up for a dating website and I'm not happy with it, but I've already paid until December, so I'm going to use it. Within about a week of signing up, I met a guy from NC. I'll call him Faux Mister and I'll explain why....

When we first talked, it was really cool. There seemed to be a connection. He was talkative and we laughed a lot and then we started hanging out on google and that was fun. He'd sprinkle little flirts in our conversation...One our first google hangout, he said, as we were talking about something, "Is this our first date?" and quickly went on to the next subject. It was cute, but I never fed into it because....HE LIVES IN NC. I was cool with us being friends, but moving is not in my dating profile.

Some things I found out about him that I liked...he had a MBA from SIUC. He grew up in IL. He had military background and had a good sense of humor. As the weeks went on, he began divulging stuff about his past--his mom beat him and his siblings. He has a hard time trusting women.

None of this really bothered me because EVERYONE has a past and my mom was not the best disciplinarian. But then one day he was talking about his past and curse words started coming out. I didn't condemn him, but it was kinda unexpected because for weeks I had not heard him talk like this. Then somehow I asked him where he lived and he divulged that he lived in a a halfway house. He didn't call it that. I called it that. He called it a home for ex-substance abusers. He even gave me the website to look it up. He said that he didn't drink, but he never really told me EXACTLY how he got there. Something about leaving his baby mama and needing a place to stay....not sure what that has to do with a home for ex-substance abusers. But, RED FLAG....

Then one day he was talking and talking about his past abuse and how all of this was linked to slavery and being beaten by the slave owners and he was going on and on and cursing up a store.

WAIT.....

I wasn't really listening, but this was sounding too much like previous relationships. I mean when Coach and I dated, that's what he focused on when we first met--how his mom beat him and he ended up being adopted.

As time goes on and we talk, he's reminding me more and more of Mister and Coach. Of course he's not quite like them, but I recognize him as the TYPE of man that I've fallen for in the past.

AND frankly, I'm SICK of it.

I WANT a man who is WHOLE. I know I have my issues, but OLD stuff is OLD and I'm not letting that burden me anymore and I'm too old to be trying to SAVE a guy from his jacked up life.

No, I'm not ALL THAT and I still have issues, but I see the pattern and I'm NOT going down that rabbit hole again.

So, I will be friends, but that's ALL. I will minister to him the word of God, but as far as I see he has nothing to offer me!!

Time To Transition

The weather has been so nice. Like REALLY nice and we are at the end of October, but the past two days it's been raining which brought the cold weather and I'm fighting a cold--the 3rd, 4th, or 5th cold I've had this year. I've never been so sick in my life. This is a testament to me not taking care of myself and not sleeping well.

But, all of that is going to change because as the weather is turning, so is my life!

I'm meeting with a financial consultant on Monday to help me with my finances--I need $5000 in 60 days to buy my house.

I'm looking at changing my schedule so that I can work out at least 30 minutes a day. And I'm praying and reading my word more. Not as much as I like, but I'm making strides.

I went to the movies to watch The Intern. It was such a cute movie, but I didn't realize that it was a "date-night" movie. I thought it was about the old guy, it turns out to be about the young girl and her life and love. Dag....I felt sappy in the theater all by myself. The feeling didn't last long, but it was there....

Hopefully, those lonely dates won't be for to much longer!

Don't Mess With My Money

I just got paid today...and I was shocked!!! My check was short. Daaaannnnggggggg....

I looked up my paystub to find that there was an IW offset of $560. WHAT IS THAT????? I emailed my boss because I know the state of Illinois is going through some issues, but what does that mean--IW offset?? So I googled and as always (most of the time) google has answered my questions.

Because I am a state of Illinois employee, any money that I owe to a state agency can be deducted from my paycheck. Case in point--summer tuition. I took a summer class at the U of I (stupid economics) and the tuition was about $1300 and I hate bills like that so I hadn't set up a payment plan and I was paying it off, but I guess not fast enough, so that state just took the last of the money that was owed--$560.

Man, I had plans for that money. But, I'm happy it's paid off. Now I can sigh up for class in the spring and I can set up a payment plan so that this doesn't happen again.

Business Planning

I'm working on a business plan and I'm so excited. It is a challenge, but I'm using sba.gov!!

My Other Vision

And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. Habakkuk 2:2

The other thing that came to me as the man of God was ministering was a wall in my house that has a canvas on it that is as large as the wall and on the canvas there is a picture that depicts "The Journey."

"The Journey" is from childhood to the end. And it depicts specific times in my life.

I'll have "The Journey" on my child's room wall too when he or she is born and this will help to keep him or her focused on their purpose in life.

Now I gotta find a huge canvas.....

The Mind is POWERFUL

God gave me something a few years ago and I didn't know what to do with it....

Life is a journey and I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. What matters most is not the destination, but what you do during the journey.

In 2011 I was telling a friend that I would be helping businesses to build their business. Not realize that this is what God put into my spirit. A few years ago, the spirit of God rested upon me as I was talking to someone and I was telling them that we needed to be connected to a certain business man in the city. At the time I didn't know what to do with the information. I know the spirit of God was with me, but I was foggy. Nothing was clear.

Well, now I have more clarity.

This business man funded my job when I was teaching career development and I was trained in this business of helping young people to find their careers. And now the pieces are coming together. I couldn't see the vision in my mind before, but now I see it.

I'm going to start a business and use it as a career development program.

I'm going to see if NC guy will help me with a business plan.

True Colors Shining Through

I'm talking to NC guy on the phone and his true colors are SHINING through!

He's cursing up a storm talking about his past. It's like he's flashing back to his younger days. What happened to the renewed mind? I guess I understand it, but dag...I think he was misrepresenting himself when we first met. Not one curse word came out of his mouth, but now almost a month later he's flashing back to pain in his childhood. God, what am I supposed to do with this?

4 Significant Spiritual Moments

I was in a leadership meeting at church on Monday night and as we were praying there was a prayer for the children and then it was said, that there were women who were there who were not married and did not have any children who would be married and who would have children and as that was being prayed, I felt the spirit of God in my belly. It's kind of hard to explain, but there is a scripture that says that "out of the belly shall blow rivers of living water," (John 7:38). So, I felt "life" in my belly as he was praying and I didn't want to get emotional because I always want to respond to God out of my spirit and not out of my emotions because emotionalism is temporal.

This was God speaking to me and I thank Him. As I was thinking about this I started thinking about a few other significant spiritual moments in my walk with Christ. There are way more that I'm going to share, but these stick out....

I was in service on a Sunday morning and the prayer was going forth at the end and as I was praying, I felt a BURST in my mid-section. I was simply praying and there was a BURSTing feeling. I don't know what it was, but I just yelled in praise to God because it felt like something had broken off my life.

Another time, I was in a meeting and I was talking about a program that I wanted to do in the church and as I was talking, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit descend upon. It just rested on me as I was talking. And the Prophetess saw the spirit of God upon me and she said as I finished talking, "You are anointed to do that." I knew she saw what I felt. This was in 2012.

About a year later I was talking to someone in the office at the church and I was talking about he we could get funding for a project and I mentioned D'Ambrose and our representative Scherer and as I was talking the spirit of God descended upon me just as it had done before. And I knew that I was anointed to carryout that plan.

No one can take these experiences away from me... and I take God for physically manifesting himself in my life!!

The POWER Of The Mind

I've always been skeptical when I hear the stories of women who were pregnant for 9 months and they had no idea. I mean, I've been pregnant and any woman can tell you that when you are pregnant, you change...not only that, you feel the baby on the inside moving. So how can someone go 9 months and feel nothing at all.

THE POWER OF THE MIND!!

They are convinced in their mind that there is nothing different in their life.

But, I was skeptical until I listened to a story on This American Life about a women who would swallow objects. She was about 11 years old and she was having trouble and was sent away to a mental institution. Inside she was placed in a small room with only a mattress. For some reason there was a nail in the room and when she saw it, she hid it and the first thing that came to her mind was "swallow it." And so she did and from there, she just had compulsive obsessions to swallow objects--forks, knives, nails, pencils, pens and even a radio antennae that caused her to be put into a coma so that doctors could figure out how to get it out because it lodged in her brain when she sneezed while swallowing it. This woman had had so many surgeries and medical procedures from swallowing objects and it all based upon what she though--WHAT HER MIND TOLD HER!! She thought that if she didn't swallow the objects, she would die or her mother would die.

It wasn't until she was 22 that she was finally able to get the help she needed.

As I finished listening the Holy Spirit was just letting me know that the mind is so POWERFUL!! I've heard often that as the mind goes, so does the body....So, this is why I MUST renew my mind in Christ. I can no longer think in bondage to my past. When I accepted Christ I became a new CREATION, but my mind must be renewed EVERYDAY so that I can live a healthy, Godly life!!

I thank God for helping me!!

Then I started thinking about my heart because the Bible says that we must guard our heart and our heart deals with our emotions. We can think one thing, but feel one thing. R. Kelly used to say, "my mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes..." Our mind can say one thing and our body and our heart can say something else and we need to know which one to follow. When we accept Christ, we follow our spirit and we only do that when we are renewed in the spirit of our mind.

My House Is Gone

The original house that I was looking at is pending a sale.

*sad face*

But, I'm not giving up!! I applied for a mortgage through a different company and they pre-approved me. So, I'm doing the home shopping thing again.

I found a home that is not far from the first one I was looking at. And I love the address 5 East Drive. You know...5, the number of grace! I need God's grace EVERY DAY!!

But, we will see how this goes. The house is listed at $47,000. That means that I need about $2000 for a down payment and about $3000 for closing cost. I have a retirement fund that can probably help. But I've been working my tail off to save money, but some reason I haven't saved any.

Dag, I need help with my finances.

NC guy offered to help. But, why would I take advise from a homeless guy.

NC guy....to be continued....

All of the Lights

I should have gone to bed last night. But, I was inspired to paint and so that's what I did. I painted and I listened to the television and this is what I came up with:

I was so happy with how it turned out. It's not perfect, I mean the stem in the center is a little odd, but I love the painting. I need to add some green leaves, but I don't know how. I'll figure it out. 

Anyway, I was up til past midnight when I finally decided that I needed to get some shut eye and I tossed and turned as is my custom and one the reasons I stay up late anyway. And about 3am, I heard this faint alarm going off. I thought it was one of my neighbors, but it didn't shut off so I got up to look out the window. Nothing was going on in the back, so I went to look out the front window and nothing was going on, so I opened the front door and there was smoked filled in the hallway and the fire alarms were screaming. OMG....Where was the fire?

I walked down stairs to where the alarm was and looked underneath the doors of the two apartments below and there was no smoke coming from underneath, so I was a little befuddled. I went back upstairs and got back into bed. But, 10 minutes later the alarm was still going. I wasn't going to get any sleep this way, so I kept looking out the window and going to the front to see if there was anything going on. I saw a car that was parked in the back drive down the street in the front and stop in front of the building. Someone got out and came into the building, then went back out. 

Was this my downstairs neighbor? I think it was. I then looked out the back window and saw my across the hall neighbor in his car in the back. Then the lights....

I got back into bed. The fire department could take care of this. 

Next thing I know, I close my eyes and there is banging and my door bell is ringing. WHAT??

I go down and the firemen are trying to get in. I open the door for them and they yell at me to clear the building. WHAT? I have my robe on and socks...no keys so I could get into my car and warm up. UGH!!! WHAT??

The rest of my neighbors file out of the building as they go through to figure out where the smoke is coming from. Everyone is out and all apartments are checked except #2, They bang on the door and the doorbell is ringing. Another fireman goes around to the side of the building. I tell the fireman that I think he left. Someone yells, there is smoke coming from the window. The fireman gets his crowbar or whatever it is and pries the door open. Out walks my downstairs neighbor. WHAT??

He was in there the whole time.....WITH ALL THAT SMOKE!!

Then here comes a fireman with a big pot that is smoking. OMG!!!

He was burning something on the stove.  Why didn't he fan the smoke? Did he fall asleep? Why didn't he come out with everyone else? DAG!!

One of the firemen told us we could go back in while they clear his apartment of the smoke so that the alarm could stop sounding. I went back in and tried to get into bed, but all the lights. My brain was going and I couldn't wind down. I kept watching outside to see them leave. Then the alarm stopped and my apartment stunk of smoke and I tried to sleep but the smell of smoke kept me up. I knew I was going to be late for church....

I Hate This Website

But, I signed up for it and I even paid my money...twice. Dag. Black Single Christians Meet or something like that. This site is horrible. There is something with their algorithm that makes it seem like you are viewing people's pages, that you don't view. For example, I can skip a day of logging in and then when I do, I can look through my "pages I viewed" tab and it will show that I've viewed people on the day that I never logged in. So how do I know who really is viewing me if they website is playing match maker. Dag,

I did meet a guy from NC. He's attractive and smart and knows God, but he's going through a transition in his life and there is one thing that I know about transition, especially when it comes to starting from the bottom--you can't make emotional decisions while in the transition because you will only be making decisions based on today and not on tomorrow. And as much as we have been having a good time talking and hanging out on google, I'm too old to be a fool. I told him we could be e-friends, but nothing more at this time.

I enjoy our time together because he has been a GREAT distraction from Mister. I am SO DONE with Mister!! And I am grateful that I'm not somewhere wishing and hoping that Mister and I could have something special. Thank God!! But, I don't want to jump from one emotional situation to another, so I'm holding my peace and sticking to my standards. Plus, it does help that he lives in NC even though he said that he was going to come visit me.

We will see how it goes....

Bullet Holes In The Car

I was at the movies watching War Room for the 2nd time with some people from church. I enjoyed the movie and as it was ending, I got a call from my baby brother.

We had just celebrated his 21st Bday on Monday and here it was he was calling me at 9pm on Saturday night and he opened the conversation calmly. He told me that at about 8pm, he was driving on the highway in St. Louis and someone opened fire on him. They began shooting at him and his car was hit 6 times. I was shocked and of course since I was talking to him, I wasn't freaking out, but it was unbelievable. I got my friends together and we prayed for him while he was on the phone. After church on Sunday, I went home to check on him. Two of the bullets went through the door--one hit his seat and the other one grazed the back of his leg. TERRIFYING!!

I took him out to eat and we talked about his future. We talked about how it was God's grace and love saved his life. This could have been devastating and I don't know what I would have done, had this been fatal. I'm not ready for that type of pain in my life. I know that I have to go through pain, but that's a kind of pain that is unimaginable.

So I pray for his safety and I curse death and destruction over my families life. In Jesus Name.

Amen!!

Strategy Time

I am evaluating my 35+years on this earth and I need a PLAN for the next 10 years of my life. So I'm going to answer these questions.


1. How important is it to me to maximize the rest of the days of my life?
2. Can I clearly explain my purpose/
3. Can I articulate exactly what I want to accomplish 10 years from now?
4. What is the very best organizational context for my dream?
5. What is the single best measurable indicator that I am making progress towards my dream?
6. If I could accomplish only 3 measurable priorities, goals reached, needs met, or problems solved, before I die, what would I accomplish.
7. What problems or needs am I uniquely qualified to solve or meet?
8. Do I have the right people on my team who can help me reach my dream?
9. Do I have a written detailed strategic plan to accomplish my destiny and leave a lasting legacy?
10. Do I have someone in my life who is not impressed with my current accomplishments or status and will stretch me towards my full potential.

My World

It is October!

And I can't believe it. OMG. This life is going by REALLY fast. What has been going on?

So far, I'm not close to buying my home. My credit score is not up to par. Not yet anyway. I've got to make a plan for that. Mister is out of my life for good. I have no love for him except the love of Christ. I really, really really wish that God could fix this. I can't--AT ALL. I screwed up with him and I wish I didn't. Dag, God!

My financial life is not any better. I'm no closer to paying off my debt than I was a year ago. Spiritually, God has shown me how immature I am and that's a good thing.

God, what is going on with this life? How do I move it along?

I did meet a guy--online and he lives in North Carolina. He's cool to talk to, but I can't figure out how he looks. He's from Illinois and he's 46 and has a 7 year old daughter. We have a good conversation, but I need a general attraction. From his picture, he looks a little nerdy, but nerdy can be good. He's a vegetarian which is impressive. We'll see how it goes.

Don't Abandon Your Process

Success is not a cake walk....nothing is EVER going to just be given to you! But, there is a process to success and sometimes it gets difficult and the challenges make me wanna die in our process, but the process is NEVER meant to kill you.

So, I have to submit and just allow God to do what it is He wants to do because if I don't, death is just knocking. And I'm not going to give up so fast. I CAN'T abort my purpose by not submitting to a life in Christ.

And in my heart, I love God, I just gotta get my body and this life moving in the right direction. I've made the decision that my relationship with Mister is dead and dead stuff stinks and it starts to kill live stuff if it isn't cut off. After this past weekend, I was so disgusted in being with him. Not disgusted in him, but his drinking. It reminded me so much of my dad who is now suffering for a life of drinking, doing drugs, smoking, and eating horribly. And I told him this and he got offended. I should not have told him this.

I'm So Done

Yes, I'm done with Mister....

I've Been Preapproved, But I'm Not Buying A House

Here is the story....

My credit score is 637, but my personal bank would not approve me because they wanted me score to be 640. I've been trying for a year to get my score up and it hasn't budged. Basically, I don't have any debt besides my student loan and my monthly payments are not enough to raise it significantly. So I applied for a loan though a different channel--The Lender's Network. From there Quicken Loans called me and Nations Lending Corporation called me. I completed the application, turned in all my stuff and I was approved. However, I ignored the fine print. Both companies approved me for $75,000, but they will not allow me to purchase below that amount.

What????

Yep, because these companies are not banks, they won't make money on a loan that is below $75,000. I explained to the supervisor that the house that I want is $44,000 and it will be my first home so I don't want to make a huge purchase. She sympathized with me and explained to me how I could raise my credit.

Basically, if I get a secured credit card, make a purchase less than 30% of the maximum limit, pay that balance and then keep a $10 balance, my score would raise.

OMG

I have to go into debt to get into debt.

Dag.

I DON'T WANT A CREDIT CARD!!  UGH!!

So, I've been praying and praying. I really want to purchase a home, but maybe this isn't the correct time.

The Waiting Game

I wanted to buy a house last year, but I was denied by the bank. My credit score was 636 and the bank wanted it to be 640. So, the banker told me that she would check in 6 months. Six months past and my score hadn't moved. Nope, not one point. So I kept checking and checking and at one point my score went down 10 points because one of the closed accounts dropped off my report. So the house that I've wanted has been elusive. I've been bearing it living in my apartment and I actually love my apartment, but I'm tired of apartment living. I have to listen to my upstairs neighbors have sex--not very often, but they do it and it's crazy cause I don't hear any sounds just the bed squeaking with the floor. Weird.

Well, I troll (not troll as in harass people) the internet often and I came across a website that had legitimate banks that lend to people with less than 640 credit score. I applied and Quicken Loans called me and Nations Lending Corporation called me. So far, Quicken has pre-approved me with only my last month's pay stubs. Nation's Lending was more thorough. I've had to turn in the previous two year's tax returns, bank statements, w-2s, and verification of employment.

I turned in all my stuff and we are now waiting on my verification of employment.

The waiting game....

I've heard before that you don't have to pray to God for patience because life, itself, will make you wait.

A wait I am doing. I actually got an email from my boss saying that she sent back my verification. And I got an email from the advisor saying that he is waiting on it.

So, we all wait......

I've been looking for homes and it is stressful. I told God I don't wanna look and look and look. I just wanna find one home and that be it.

I'm like that when I'm shopping. Not clothes shopping, but shopping for household stuff--laundry detergent, bathroom tissue. There are too many choices and I hate tolling over which choice to make. Do we really need 10 different brands of bathroom tissue to choose from at 20 different price points?

WHAT????

I want the best bang for my buck so it causes me to sit and study my options and that is stressful. I hate it.

I feel that same way about a house. I want to find one in the right price range and that be it. I don't want to look and look and look....

I believe I've found it.

It's in a nice neighborhood, on a dead end street. It's small, has a small yard, and the price is perfect--$44,000. Not too expensive for my first time buying a home. Also, it has a garage and a basement. And I think the basement has so much potential. I haven't gone to see it yet, just been stalking it (driving by) and looking at the pics online. I hope it looks just as good in person as it does from what I see online....

But I'm not going to make an appointment until I get the preapproval.

Until then.....we wait.

When I Get My Passion Back

I was thinking the other day about my purpose in life. And I was thinking about my life and the struggles that I've gone through, even as a child and how I went through those things not just because, but because God is going to use me to help struggling women--they need to see that there is a God who loves them enough that He can heal ANYTHING. All the mental hurts and pains from abuse and misuse.

And I was thinking about this and how happy I would be to be able to help people like that. I remembered a dream I had a while ago and there was this spirit creeping up my body and it was on top of my while I was laying on the sofa. I remembering being grossed out and wanting to cry. The spirit was perverse. And I was telling God that I would help. I would help those who are bound by the spirit that is trying to keep them under bondage.

As I was thinking all of this, my vision was becoming clearer. Yes, God. I will help the women. A few days later I got a call from my spiritual mom. She said, I was in her heart and she had been praying for me. She encouraged me and told me that I would get my passion back when I start operating in my purpose. And that's what I want to do. I have to take it day by day and operate in the will of God. Day by day.....

Cousin's Day and the Rest of this Year

I made it up in my mind to move on. I've failed many times....

1. I feel like my career as an educator was a failure because I had high hopes and nothing was successful.
2. I feel like I failed with the non profit because nothing was/is successful.
3. I feel like I failed in my relationships because I think I should be married now, but my connections to Mister has hindered me.
4. I feel like I've failed spiritually because I KNOW God anointed me, but I was slothful and disobedient.
5. I feel like I've failed in my family because I'm supposed to be leading them....
6. I feel like I've failed in my finances because I'm still very much in debt.
7. I feel like I've failed in my health because I am overweight.

Now I'm here and I MUST move on.

There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about my failures. NOTHING.

So, I'm choosing to move on. I have repented and God has forgiven me so I'm moving on with my life. I have to motivation to move on. We've been learning about the fruit of the spirit and the thing that struck me the most is that when the fruit grows in my life, there won't be any failure. As as a matter of fact, there were failures in the past, but from now, there won't be failures....there will just be stepping stones and lessons learned. So, I need to help these fruit grow:

1. Love--I have to keep my heart pure, but it's a lot going on in the world and love can be challenge. But I'm going to guard my heart.
2. Joy--Joy can be difficult in trials, but this is where my strength comes from. The joy of the Lord is my strength.
3. Peace--Peace of mind is key to all of this. I can't let the cares of life overwhelm me. Let the peace of God rule in my heart.
4. Longsuffering--Patience. I feel like I've been patient through a lot, but I have been complaining, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
5. Gentleness--Sometimes I can be harsh with my words and attitude. I need to watch that. 
6. Faith--Prayer is the key; faith unlocks the door, as the old song says. I can't please God without it. 7. Kindness--Sometimes I' m not so kind to others. I go throughout my day in my own world, thinking of no one else.
8. Meekness--I got smacked in the face with a HUGE humble pie this year. Not just a slice, the whole pie and it was good for me.
9. Self-Control--This is a big one for me. I need self-control in eating, exercising, and my bodily urges.

So there are 9 fruit that need to grow in my life. The other day Mister text me and invited me to Cousin's Day. Dag was I tempted. Thank God I have to work, but I'm not going to lie, I was trying to figure out how to get there. Despite the fact that I KNOW that would be to my detriment. That was my self-control NOT working. And the communication triggered something in me that I need to work on.

And I'm going to work on it by the grace of God. All of this is by the grace of God. And the Holy Spirit will work all of this through me.

She Gone Again

I was so stressed at the beginning of the month. There was a lot going on. Then I got sick and I'm still at the tail end of this cold and Aunt Flo must be tired, cause she is no where in sight. I was anticipating her monthly return and all the signs and symptoms were there: crampy, achy, boobs heavy and sore. But it will be September in a few days and she's usually here by now. I guess I'm not complaining. I've been having trouble with my soft cup the last few months. It hasn't been very easy to remove and a few times I've ended up squirting blood everywhere. NOT PRETTY!!

I can say that I have gotten my rest and I've been rejuvenated. My spiritual mom called me the other day and she gave me some words of wisdom and I am SO GRATEFUL because I felt like I was dying and I needed to be revived.

Basically, I told her that I haven't felt motivated to do anything...I just wanted to lay in the bed and watch TV forever. Some days I didn't even want to get up and shower. She let me know that I have no motivation and passion because I'm not doing the will of the Father. I'm fatigued and weary and the only way I'll get my motivation back is when I'm fulfilling my purpose. She reminded me of what God was just telling me a few days ago....

A few days ago, I was just thinking about myself and my purpose and how there are so many women who have experienced abuse and it had cause them to be fragmented in their life. They aren't whole and the heart break causes them to live sub par and unhappy. God was reminding me that my purpose is to help them to see the God who heals ALL hurts. And this is what my spiritual mother reminded me of. I've been dwelling so much on my failures that it was sucking the life out of me. When I mess up, it plagued me so that it was like a cloak of failure that I was wearing. It got so that I didn't want to acknowledge the spiritual part of me. I put that part of me on the shelf. But, the problem with that is, that's the real me. Who I am spiritually is who I am. So I can't separate that part of me. So, I am grateful for the revival in my life!!

You Ain't Gonna Miss 'Em Both

We've been learning about the fruit of the spirit at church and the works of the flesh. I need the Holy Spirit to help me with love, gentleness, patience...and I guess all of 'em cause I wasn't so nice on Monday in the meeting that we had. God, forgive me. If I'm not walking in the spirit and producing the fruit of the spirit, I'm operating and producing the works of the flesh. I ain't gonna miss 'em both. It's either one or the other.

Dating Online

I signed up for a dating sight. I was pretty excited when I signed up...going through all of the profiles, sending flirts and replying to inbox messages. There were a few guys that I talked to outside of the website. One guy lives about 30 miles away from me, which I think is not bad. He's a school administrator so we had that in common, but he ruined it when he asked me to send him pics of my when I got out the shower. Dag. Then I talked to a guy who lived near Chicago. He works for the correctional facility. I liked his personality, but then he asked me for suggestive pics. Then a 68 year old guy kept inboxing me. I've ignored so many messages from him. Then there is the guy that I chatted with that was supposed to call me, but never did. Then there was the guy that I knew from church over 10 years ago. He initiated the convo with me, and I gave him my number and he never called.

*Sigh*

I got tired of the site. Especially after I logged in and found out that it said I had viewed guys that I had NEVER viewed. Then it said I had flirted with guys I had NEVER flirted with. What is going on? I think the last straw was the guy I met who was a videographer who made a documentary about honorable celebrities.... OMG. That spooked me. So, I'm not dating online anymore. As a matter of fact, I have deactivated my facebook page. The internet tires me out....

I Gotta Be Patient

When I go through long suffering, I have to stay patient; and if I can, I will become complete and mature and I won't lack anything....1 James 1:4

After I suffer awhile...1 Peter 5

I got a text from my good friend Mere...."Had a dream you eloped and had an intimate ceremony later..." I texted her back, "Amen!!!!" Then I asked what he looked like?

"Tall, brown skinned, bald, shaven head," she responded.

I almost got excited!! But, I'm not desperate at all. I thank God because my times are in His hand and I want to be FULLY ready for the man who will come to enhance me life. I'm already complete, so he will only add to, not finish....

Thank God for the fruit of PATIENCE working in my life!!

Work Makes Us Tired

Fruit nourishes our body and is good to the taste. But when we work and work, we get tired. It's the same way in the spirit. The bible tells is that we are to walk in the spirit and in order to do that we must have the fruit of the spirit in operation in our life. But the Bible warns us of the works of the flesh. These thing help to destroy us. So, the kingdom of God is not in works, it's in the fruit.

Felt Like I Was Dying--Renew

This has been a rough year. So rough that I've almost given up. I was wavering between wanting to die and wanting to hold on. The depression was so great. I even added a new life insurance policy because I wanted to make sure that I was covered just in case my time was up.

It was almost like Elijah when he just laid out and wanted to die. I could relate. I spent all of last week in the bed. I just didn't feel like getting up. I just didn't feel like going on.

But, thanks be to God who always causes us to triumph!! 2 Corinthians 2:14

I am a victor and an overcomer and I shall NOT die, but LIVE and DECLARE the works of the Lord. Psalms 118:17.

Our Apostle was in town on today and he prayed for us and he encouraged us. He helped to refresh and revive us. I repented for my slothfulness and laziness and declared that I would never be the same again after this day. I won't allow the enemy to bombard me so much and wear me down so much that I want to give up. God has been so good to me and I have to glorify God with this life in this body.

So, I thank God for renewing me and I thank God for the Holy Spirit!!


Who stood up for me against the wicked? Who took my side against evil workers? If God hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, “I’m slipping, I’m falling,” your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up. Psalm 94:18-19 MSG

Robert Van Winkle and This Darn Cold

I am exhausted. My head is all cloudy, my throat is scratchy and my eyeballs hurt, I'm hungry but don't feel like eating. Yes, it's a summer cold brought on by too much work, too much stress, and not enough sleep.

In addition to my day job and school work, I am volunteering my time to a fundraiser that has had me on my feet and out in the hot sun for the past three days for 8-9 hours a day.

On Thursday night, I volunteered for bingo. Our organization gets $50 for each person who helps with bingo from 5-9pm. Seems easy, right? WRONG!! We have to walk around for 4 hours with no break selling pull-tabs. Essentially, they are just lottery tickets (we can't call them lottery tickets) that we are selling, but not one break--AT ALL. I could have swore that the woman told us we can get a break, but someone my brain got the message confused. I mean...I think employment laws dictate that if you work for 4 hours, you get one 15 minute break!? I'm gonna look that up, cuz even though I'm not "employed" I am still working. They are getting paid for this, so it's okay for you to stand and walk around for 4 hours, but I'm just a volunteer.

Well, after that, I got home and was restless and couldn't sleep. Actually, I haven't been able to sleep all week long. But, I got up on Friday and went to the second fundraiser where we have to guard barricades at a huge street fair. The barricades are used for the vendors and entertainment to come through, but not the common people who are just looking for a parking spot. We needed about 60 people to volunteer, but we only had about a third of that. So that meant that I would be there round the clock. And it has taken it's toll. My body is done.

However, in the midst of all of that I did get to see Vanilla Ice bka Robert Van Winkle. Well, I didn't see him, see him. He just drove through the gate I was guarding. I waved, he waved back. It was cool. Last year I got to meet Ruben Studdard and I spoke to him.

But now I'm sick and I've gotta work sixty hours in 4 days.

How am I gonna do that?

My Treadmill Desk

I've Got More To Do in My Life Than Recover

I have been in a spiritual slump. Like I'm sick or something. I've been in this state before and I HATE it. I mean, it's like the flu. You can't be productive when you have the flu. I mean, you can do a little, but not much. And you risk infecting others when you try to do stuff in the population. So, the best thing is to stay home and rest.

I've been spiritually sick lately and it's taking time for me to recover. The problem is, I've got more to do in my life than always recover or spiritual sickness.

I need to get out of the this state so that I can move on with my life!!

Pulling Weeds is Hard and So is Changing a Life

I am an avid volunteer. I like being involved in stuff--new stuff. So, last year I volunteered to help in the neighborhood by weeding two of the 10 medians down the block. I don't know much about gardening, so I met with one of the other volunteers and she showed me the ropes. So, this summer I was tasked with using my free time to help keep them looking great. The problem is, there has been so much rain, and then there was a car accident, and my time had been limited....

But, there the weeds still needed to be pulled.

So, a few weeks ago, I went out and there were massive weeds. I couldn't pull them because they were too tall and they were the cactusy type of weeds that will stick you. So, I just started cutting with my massive shears. I cut and cut and filled up about 4 bags of tall weeds before my back couldn't take it anymore. Then my time was limited again I decided that I needed to get out there because we have a community wide celebration coming up and I want everything to be perfect. This time I got down on my hands and knees and started pulling.

OMG....

Some of those weeds had roots that were so thick. I had to use my shears to did around the roots in order to get them up. It took me about 1.5 hours, to finish about a third of one of the mediums. I'll get back out there, but I've been learning a lesson that can be applied to my life...

God tells us that we must walk in the spirit and in order to do that, the fruit of the spirit has to be operative in out lives.

But, fruit grows and must be cultivated. Fruit doesn't just happen. A seed has to be planted, it has to die in the ground and the rain must water it and the sun must shine upon it. As the seed is sprouting, the weeds have to be taken care of. The weeds can choke out the seedling if they aren't pulled up and when they are pulled, you can't just chop them off at the top, you have to take the root out.

But, when the roots are deep, you can't just use regular tools and it takes more time and effort.

It took me some time to pull those weeds. And my fingers hurt while doing it....

I am in a spiritual.....something.

I've got too many weeds growing in my life. And they must be pulled up. But, it's gonna take some time to get my life cleaned up. And it's gonna take so much effort. And it's gonna hurt...

God, help me through this, please!!!

I want to grow and be fruitful because I LOVE fruit. Fruit is great nourishment!!!

It's An Order

I've GOT to live!!

I was a little down in the dumps because I didn't handle a disappointing situation appropriately. But, I was reminded that the scripture says that when I am in a battle...., "I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the LORD has done." Psalms 118:17. God is going to bring me out and he will get all the glory in my life!!

It's an order and a declaration and it is so!!

Microeconomics, Failure, and Why I Love God

I passed my midterm---Thank You, God!!

Microeconomics is hard for me and I'm taking this class for the second time around and it's online just as before, but at a different school--a more expensive school.

Actually, I have a little history with micro economics...

I took it my freshmen year and dropped it during the first week. Then I worked at a community college and signed up for the same class. Again, I dropped it during the first week. During these two times, I had no incentive to continue with the class. But, now that I'm on the road to Ph.d, I NEED the class as a prerequisite. So, I signed up last year at the community college and the teacher was a pompous butt-hole. I dropped the class before the final. I was not able to finish it with a passing grade.  But, I still NEEDED the class. So I looked and found it online at U of I and I'm not taking it and right now I have a 78% after the midterm.

Thank God!!

During this past hectic week, not only did I take a midterm, I also helped with Vacation Bible School and I am reminded that I am NO WHERE near where I'm supposed to be spiritually. Actually, I skipped out on prayer because I was asked to do it after spending the night with Mister.

Yes, I spent the night with Mister on Thursday evening. He was in town to meet his daughter (those plans fell through) and I was exhausted and wanted some closeness so I stayed the night and physically, it was great. Spiritually, it was devastating....

Then on Friday I was asked to pray before VBS and I didn't answer.

UGH!!

I was so disappointed in myself. I still am....I let my situation get the best of me.

It is like everything was coming at once. I met a guy who said he would call me and he hasn't and then I met another guy who turned out to be married, and then another married guy was hitting on me and then I broke some $200 equipment (actually, I didn't break it a friend broke it and didn't offer to help fix it), so that burden fell on me and I was overwhelmed.

I needed relief and I sought physical relief instead of spiritual relief.

But, through it all.....I am reminded that everyday that I wake up is another day to get it right. This is why I still love God and I am going to constantly run back to Him.

Thank God for many many many many many chances of redemption.

The Sooner You Get Adjusted The Sooner You Can Get Healed

When you have been out of alignment for so long, you tend to think that it is right. You begin to call wrong right and right wrong.

But, when you begin to have adjustments, it may hurt at the beginning....

I need to make the necessary steps to get back on track. TODAY because I will move in the right direction or the wrong direction. The first way to go back is to look back. Don't look back--keep a forward focus. My focus is what I"m looking at. My life is based on forward movement. If my focus is always consumed by looking at the past, I am doomed. I can't get to my future by dwelling on my past.....

I'm willing to move forward so I have to walk and I can't walk backwards.

Matthew 7:13-14 (The Voice) There are two paths before you; you may take only one path. One doorway is narrow. And one door is wide. Go through the narrow door. For the wide door leads to a wide path, and the wide path is broad; the wide, broad path is easy, and the wide, broad, easy path has many, many people on it; but the wide, broad, easy, crowded path leads to death. 14 Now then that narrow door leads to a narrow road that in turn leads to life. It is hard to find that road. Not many people manage it.

What Am I Supposed to Do?

I'm not even going there!

I just got back into town and I decided to text DJ. He's the guy who took charge of our class reunion and I went to see him to borrow some equipment for VBS. When I was in his shop, there was a cute guy flirting with me and I texted him to ask about him. This is the text convo:

Me: Who was the dude sitting next to me
Him: Do you like him
Me: He was cute...tryna flirt on the side
Him: Thats what he was sayn about you but he asked me "was we talkn b4 he tried to holla"
Me: Do u know him? Is he a good dude?
Him: Idk him like that. He comes n2 the shop and gt cut each week. Did u gt his nmbr or he got yours
Me:  Nope
Him:  So what now?
Me: U can tell him I asked about him :-)
Him:  U jus dont kno how hard to hear that but i will
Him:  I can get his numbr if u want
Me: Whaaaaaaaaatttttt
Me:  I'm tryna do homework while texting u, so I may not be reading right
Him: What dnt u understand
Me:  I got it. We cool :-)
Him:  Y u add the we cool
Me: U just made me blush that's all. Actually I'm too dark to blush....lol

This was actually a lie. I was annoyed at him at this point.

Him:  Beautiful but y u blush

Silence....I didn't answer. After and hour...

Him:  Hello
Me:  ;-)
Him: Y r u smiling

Silence for 10 minutes.

Him:  R u still doing homework
Me:  Finishing up now
Him:  U answered that but not my other 2 questions
Me: I sent him Erykah Badu Next Lifetime
Him: I ges thats a hint

Silence....

Him: I asked if u want me to get his nmbr
Me: Give him my number
Him: (a whole bunch of teary eyed faces)
Me: You're a big boy :-)

Oh boy.....he's married.

What does he want from me? And I'm not going there, AT ALL!!!!!

I Want My Life So Bad

I've made a decision....

No more Mister. That relationship is dead. It's not going anywhere at all.

A little background...
I've been heading to Indy to spend time with him. Not because I wanna be with him, but because he is the one that is there. He is the one man that is available in my life right now and I'm comfortable with him, The problem is, we've crossed the line--twice and now my insides are a little dead. And I don't wanna be here.

I guess the last time I was there visiting him on the 27th, we had too much fun because his house mate got jealous and told him that she didn't want me coming to visit. He asked her if it was me or if it was any woman and apparently she just doesn't want to see him happy. It's the classic, misery loves company concept. She sees him happily hanging out with someone and she's unhappy with her life so she doesn't want him to be happy.

I texted him one morning and he texted me back, but then he said he plugged his phone in and it went crazy. I told him that maybe it was hacked. He hadn't thought about that. Then he realized that maybe she hacked his phone because they got into a yelling match and she said she was just waiting to die. I empathize with her, but...

Dang....

Of course I had to ask Mister if he felt that way too. He didn't answer. I guess I know the answer. He is depressed. And I hate depression. I wish he wasn't.

But, he tried to cheer her up by having her go to the block party on the 4th, but she refused. She basically wanted to hang out with him and no one else.

He ended up frustrated, angry, and irritated at her.

On top of all that...the house was invaded by bed bugs

OMG....

I can't deal with all of that. AT ALL.

So I give up...

I want to live happy and I can't do it with him!!

Not This Weekend

I went to see Mister this past weekend and we had a good time--yep, I stayed the night. Not my proudest...

I'm supposed to see him again this weekend, but I've received news that his housemate is not thrilled about me being there, so I'm cancelling my trip.

Thank God!!

I haven't recuperated from last weekend....

God, help me!!

Looking Down the Road

My right now is not so good! Actually it is REALLY good, but not so good at the same time.  But, I find solace in the fact that God is not looking at me right now. God is looking at me down the road. He is looking at my future.

Where I Was

What's the matter with this picture?

I've been visiting Mister and each time I show up at his place, I always want to clean. Mainly because I am uncomfortable being in his junky place. The other day he confessed to me that he's so used to having someone clean for him and that his junky place is symbolic of his messed up life. I told him that I FULLY understood, but that I was there to HELP, not judge.

Then it hit me. The last few times I've been close with a guy has been with someone who is where I WAS in my life.

I understood Mister because I was in that same state a few years ago. My apartment was always junky because of the state of mind I was in. Now I live where I live and I have some breathing room, I always want it to be clean.

Mister is where I was.

That was the same way with Coach.

But, I'm wondering, why do I always meet a guy who is where I was and never do I meet a guy where I am or where I wanna be?

What's going on with that?

I mean, I'm not going back there and it's hard trying to pull someone up....

Have FAITH in God

To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see. It was by their faith that people of ancient times won God's approval.  -Hebrews 11 (The Good News Bible)

Have faith in God.

I shall live and NOT die and declare the works of the Lord.

I HAVE faith in God!!

When you pray and ask for something, believe that you have received it, and you will be given whatever you ask for.  -St. Mark

LOVE Him Like I Do

We Do Not Grieve Like The Rest

I LOVE GOD!!

I JUST DO!!!!

And THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE!!!

Death will come and we can't say HOW it will come, but we can control HOW WE WILL DIE!!

I'm attending a funeral for my Pastor's father. He was a man of God, so the grief was different. The Bible tells us that "we can't be uninformed about those who sleep in death," and we don't grieve for those like those who are not in the FAITH. Because those who die "in the FAITH" we will see again.

So, when I die...

I KNOW HOW I"M GOING TO DIE!!

As a matter of fact, when I die, I'm not gonna die, I'm going to just SLEEP. Cause the Bible says that when we are in the FAITH, we sleep with HOPE!!

So, WE DON'T RESPOND THE SAME WAY!!! When we have faith, we have HOPE that those who are sleep in Christ, we will see again!! So, we don't just die, we TRANSITION from this world to eternal!! We SHALL be changed--in a moment, in a twinkling of an eye.....

THANK YOU, JESUS!!

1 Thessalonians 4:13....
1 Corinthians 15:52....

I WANT My Life So Bad

I've been struggling this year......

Man it's been a rough one and I don't anyone to talk to about it. I want to rewind, but I can't. I HAVE to keep moving forward!!

I won't fall apart....

LOVE NEVER FAILS

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.
-1 Corinthians 13

Is He A Con Man?

I'm on blackplanet because I'm single and I want to meet someone, so this is like my singles network...and I get a few messages from a few people. Usually, if a man sends me a note and says something like, "Hey Sexy or hey baby...." usually I ignore him because I don't like that. I'm not your baby and I don't want "sexy" to be the first thing you think about me. I never really make the first move because I'm old fashioned like that....I have contacted a guy who lived in Indy because I wanted to find out a few good placed to eat.

Then, the other day I got a note from a nice looking guy in Austin. Really cute. He sent me an introductory note and then left his email and phone number. So, I texted him. Not from my real phone number (I don't know who he is) and we have been emailing each other.

But, I'm pretty cautious. Especially since he told me that he lives in Austin, but he is now in Nigeria taking care of his mom. Huh??

He told me that he is of mixed race: his mom is from Nigeria and his dad is from Mexico. What a combination? And how did that happen? I mean, anyone can get together, but you don't see too many Mexicans in mixed races.

Ok....

He said he had been there for a month and will be there for a few more weeks. Then he emailed me one time and asked me for my cell phone number and he gave me his email, like we hadn't been emailing.

WHAT??

Am I being scammed. Or I guess this would be catfishing...

7th Year

I was a little discouraged because of the turn of events this weekend. Actually this year, so far, has been discouraging, but I got a boost today while I was on the road to St. Louis....it was Pastor Joel Olsteen talking about the 7th year and how God promised the children of Israel that every seven years, they would be released from their bondages. So debts would be cancelled, slaves would be freed....there was a release from all of that in Deuteronomy 15.

I got to thinking and counting the years I've been with the non profit and this year is my 7th year. So I got excited.

At the beginning of the year our Apostle told us that this would be a year of breaking out. He referenced Tamar in Genesis 38 and how it seems that this woman should have been punished for what she did. But, the sons she had were in the lineage of Jesus.

So, I've been looking at my life....my meager life and I wanted to tell Mister this, but I couldn't, but everything that God made is good!!

So I'm good!!!

And this is my 7th year, so I thank God for the cancellation of all of the bondage in my life!!

Sin in the City

It's been 3 years.....3 years since I've felt the touch of a man's hands all over my body.

"Stolen sex never feels good," that's what the Elder told me and no I couldn't really enjoy it without pretending to be married.

Yep, me and Mister did the do and I pretended that he was the love of my life. I couldn't tell him that I loved him, though. Nope, I didn't want to tell that lie. Not while we were being that intimate.

I miss arms.

Yes, I think that's what I like most about a man...arms and hands...yes, strong hands touching me. I don't want to preserve that memory at all because it was so wrong, but it all started during my birthday weekend. Family dinner was cancelled and I had the rental car for another day so I zipped 150 miles away to spend the day with Mister. The problem was, I had just driven hundreds of miles and when I got there I was tired and facing a 3 hour drive home made me even more tired. So I asked to spend the night and he agreed. He let me know that he promptly gets up at 5:30am to get ready for work. I told him that I didn't mind, It was only 9:30pm so I'd get plenty of sleep.

The problem is, we NEVER got to sleep. At all. We didn't sleep at all and 5:30am came and we got up and I headed home thinking, "WTF" just happened.

I brushed it off. Oh GOD, HELP me!

Then I realized that I left my earrings and he flirted with me about coming back to get the. So memorial day weekend, I was back and this time I planned to spend the night....not to have sex, but stay the night. And well, he gave me the foot and back rub that he promised and again we didn't sleep. This time it was better. I mean orgasmically better, but still NOT right. In order to enjoy it I had to pretend that we were married and this was our wedding night.

The next day we went walking and bike riding all while I enjoyed the ache below from the night before. But, it had to come to an end and it did....when he told me that I could't stay the night again because GI didn't feel it was a good idea.

UGH!!

Slapped back into reality. Who is GI?  Good questions....but a long story for another time. Basically, Mister lives in her house. Yes, he pays rent and it is a separate apartment/mother-in-law suite, type of area, but it's still HER house.

UGH!!!

Now I have to live with the shame and emptiness... The grand emptiness....

God, help me, PLEASE!!!

I Am Not A Gambler

I watched the movie, the Gambler, starring Mark Walburg. At first I didn't get it and I was making my mind up that it was a stupid movie. I mean the first part of the movie he blows all this money and then gets into more debt with people who will kill him. Then I started reading some of the background and I read the spoilers about the movie and realized that he wasn't stupid, he was just going through some things. Some major things that caused him to temporarily lose him mind....

I've been there before.

You get to an emotional place and you need something to wake you up from the numb monotonous being that you've spiraled in to. You are in so much pain that you feel nothing and as painful as life is at that moment, you feel nothing.

I cut my foot one time while I was mowing the lawn. My whole foot went under the mower and the blade was stopped by my toe. I didn't feel a thing. So I started the mower again and proceeded to finish. But then I looked down and began to scream. My shoe had been cut open. I hopped to the stairs and took my shoe off and began to scream even more when I saw my sock had been cut. I didn't see much blood because my socks we were black. But the sight of my shoe and sock freaked me out.

I ended up in the hospital over night because the doctor needed to know if my bone had been cut cuz if it was I was gonna need surgery.

the amazing thing about the whole situation is that at the beginning I was in so much shock that I didn't feel anything. I thought my foot had been cut off and that's why I didn't feel anything....but I had to look down at my foot, after I took off my shoe in order to feel the pain.

The body has a way of shielding you...

In the movie, he kept saying he wasn't a gambler. But yet and still he took his moms $260,000 and pissed it all away at the casino.

But he wasn't a gambler.....

No Sleep Causes Headaches

I've been having a tension headache for the past few weeks since about the last week in April. And I think its because I haven't slept much. I tried Z-quil, but that didn't work so I tried Benedryl, but that is not working either. But I NEED to get rid of this headache. Also, my massage over the weekend didn't work much either, and I need to find another masseuse and a 60 minute time slot. I'm also so hungry. We are fasting today, but I NEED something to eat.

In other news...I'm made an appointment with at a cosmetic place for laser hair removal. I'll chronicle my journey on youtube....

And So It Goes....

I just celebrated a wonderful birthday. My brother sent me this card and I just laughed and laughed. I love birthday cards and my brother came through. My sister bought me a cake and it was really good--strawberry cream.

But the shocker was the weekend I had before my bday....I had a spa day at the hot springs with a massage that was too jerky and not long enough. Then I went to Du Quoin to celebrate my former adviser as he was being awarded by his former school district. I was nervous about seeing Price there and sure enough, he was there. We half hugged and he laughed as we greeted each other. I took a pic with the Doc and then Price wanted a pic of all of us. UGH!! We took a pic and I slipped to the rest room and out the door without a goodbye.

As I was on my way home I got a call from my aunt canceling dinner. BUMMER!!

I had a rental car until Monday and nothing to do on Sunday after church, so I went to see Mister. MISTAKE. I had a foot massage on my mind, but Mister wasn't thinking that. I gave him all types of signals, but no bite. Then I had to leave at 9 so he could get to bed, but I was so tired from not sleeping and all the driving that I asked if I could stay the night. BIGGER MISTAKE.

We ended up not sleeping all night....without protection.

I haven't done that since July 2012. And I told him that.

I forgot how not sleeping felt.

And now I'm....I'm....

I don't know exactly how to feel or what to do. I tried to pray and then Mister texted me to ask "what happened?"  I just told him that our bodies took over, which is what happened. But, I know I didn't pray one bit. I mean, the last time I was praying for the Holy Spirit to help me and He did. I went home, spirit in tact. Now, I'm ..... I'm .....

At least I got a great bday card to lift my spirits.

The bad thing is that Mister still thinks there is a chance between us. He said in his text, "I wanted to show you that I could resist my wants and be the man that u needed."

The man that I NEED is a praying man who loves God. Mister doesn't live God and I'm praying that he changes.

Now I"m waiting....and waiting....a few more weeks and I will know and be able to breath....

When Doves Cry

I was really excited....until last night.

I received an invite in the mail to attend an awards ceremony for a former professor. I was so excited that he was being honored and I was so glad to be invited. I was a little trepidatious because if I was invited that means others from school would be invited too, right? And I haven't seen these people in over 10 years....but this didn't quell my excitement until....

I realized that Price might be there too.

OMG.

What am I going to do?

I really want to go but I don't want to see him, AT ALL!!!!

Price and I have a horrible history. It didn't start that way. We were friends in college. I actually couldn't stand him at first because he was so pompous, but he grew on me and then we graduated. He got married.

A few years later he calls me and we chat.

No big deal until he confides in me that he wanted to leave his wife. I confided some things in him about losing my daughter. Things get crazy after that and .... it turns ugly and I can't stand him. I've forgiven him for what he did to me and I've forgiven myself for allowing it, but it is not something that I want to deal with. It is the past and there is NOTHING that can be done about it, so I'm moving on. But he may be present this weekend and I'm apprehensive.

Other than that, I am excited.

I've booked a mini spa day at Okawville Hot Springs.

Then on Sunday I'm going home to visit and eat dinner with my family. So I guess this is my bday weekend.

Thank God for another year!!

20 Years Ago

20 years ago, I turned 18. I graduated from high school and was working my butt off during the summer to make some money to start college in the fall. This WAS THE TIME OF MY LIFE!!

I didn't have a whole  LOT of worries. Yes, I was concerned about school and the future, but my life has been on such a journey over the past 20 years. And I'm not worried, but I do have more concerns. I've been through so much that it has clouded me.

And the crazy thing is that for my first 18 years, I had been through so much, but what makes these past 20 years different is that I've learned so much. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I'm so much more aware of stuff now. I'm not gonna linger of the past 20 years and all of my failures, because it will profit me NOTHING, but I am going to use everything that I've learned to propel me forward.

All things work together for my good, according to the word of God. So the past 20 years and the past 18 years before then are going to make me the WOMAN OF GOD I AM!!!

Pride Plants The Seed

Pride is the root of all sin and Humility is the root of all virtue.

A couple of weeks ago, I made a declaration of "30 Days of Positive."

And from that moment, I was tested. Hard....And I failed HARD. But, I thank God for the failure because it showed me where I was in the spirit. The Bible says that if you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small. --Proverbs.

It showed me how weak I am in the spirit. I was hit hard and I wanted to give up. I didn't speak it out of my mouth, but in my heart, I wanted to just give up.

I Thank God that He hasn't given up on me, even when I want to give up. Thank you, Jesus!!

So, I'm going to start my 30 days of positive all over because I NEED to get through this. I NEED to increase my strength in Christ.

A lot of the thing that troubled me comes from the spirit of Pride.

Mister said something to me and I didn't agree with him. He wanted to know what I thought about this statement: "Women need men, like fish need a bike."

I told him that I didn't agree and that as a whole women need men. How could we procreate. And I told him that as an individual, I needed a man. I want to get married, I want to have children so I need a man to do that with. As I thought about that during church last night, I realized that if it is not God's will that I get married then a man is not what I need. A man is what I want, not need. So, I'm retracting and saying that I don't NEED a man. What I NEED is the will of God in my life.

So, in my 30 days of positive, I'm going to do these things:

1. Make a firm decision to think about, understand, and adopt Jesus' way of thinking. His values and attitudes must become mine. 

Phillipians 4:8 Fix your thoughs on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.

I have to want the mind of Christ. 

I shouldn't be failing every test.

And I failed this past test. I also failed a major test last year.

2. I must earnestly and regularly pray for the Holy Spirit to change our hearts, for it is impossible to do it in our own strength. 

Jude 1:20 But you, dear friends, must build up your lives ever more strongly upon the foundation of our holy faith, learning to pray in the power and strength of the Holy Spirit. 

3. I must have a right view of myself before God and others. 

Humility is having a realistic sense of who I am to God and others. Pride is puffed up and sometimes false. I can't think of myself to highly and too lowly. When I understand who I am, I don't have to pretend.

30 Days of Positive

I have been miserable lately. I haven't been letting the word of God work in my life. So, I decided to take charge and follow Earl Nightingale's advice...30 days of positive thinking. I started on today, but for some reason, I woke up with anxiety. I'm not sure why. Actually, I know why. Anytime a person makes a choice for Christ a target is placed and the enemy sends everything to twart the move of God. I was dreaming something awful and I woke up and turned on the audio Bible because I even want to dream positive. But, this anxiety is not good. So, I'm in praise mode. I have to move from where I am.

My goal is to please the Lord.

Matthew 7:7 Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking [reverently] and [the door] will be opened to you.--Amplified Bible.