One Year Later!! 300th Post

It was the day after labor day, Tuesday, September 7, 2010. I turned in the keys to an apartment that I lived in for 6 years. I had no where to go, so I slept in my car -- for four months, I slept in my car.....through the heat of the an indian summer and the cold of the winter....I slept in my car....

As I'm writing this, there are tears streaming down my face....

It seems so long ago....

How can life get so bad that you don't have anyone to turn to for help? How can I be so embarrassed that I can't ask for help?

I'm a little overwhelmed because it's been a journey and as much as I want to move forward, life is still heavy. It's been a long year....I thank God for a roof over my head!! I thank God that he didn't leave me nor forsake me. I thank God for my friend Jenny who opened the door to allow me to have a place to sleep!!! I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a ministry of people who were able to pray for me and help me!!! I THANK GOD, I didn't lose my mind through all the mess that I've been through!!!

So, why am I "down in my spirit?"

I just spent about 3 hours talking to two women who were just released from prison--the two prisons that I'm gonna be volunteering at. They are struggling, but through their struggle, they are making it by the grace of God. I was with Steph, a good friend of mine who had also been to prison. She really ministered to those women. I saw her in a different light. She has so much fire for God, so much ferver for God...I guess I'm down in my spirit because God brought me out of the mess I was in and it seems like I still can't get it right....I don't spend time reading my Bible like I NEED and I don't pray like I NEED to, but I'm always asking God to get me out of something. I should be able to minister to someone with passion and pray for them fervently, but I can't. I'm so clouded with my life, that I can't get passionate about God like I NEED to be.... What is wrong with me? God has been SO GOOD to me. Instead of me running for my life and doing all I can to "get up" I'm slothful...I'm still holding on to old stuff--my past is still haunting and tormenting me. My mind is still back there. Didn't God free me?

I was just reading about the children of Israel. They were enslaved by the Egyptians--day and night, they had to serve the Egyptians. Their children were born into slavery. They were not their own. They cried unto God for help and He heard them. God created Moses to deliver them. That's why Moses was born--to deliver the children of Israel so that they could serve God. Pharoah put up a fight before letting them go, but eventually he told them to leave. After they left, God hardened Pharoah's heart because He wanted them to know that He, the almighty God, is the one that loved them enough to deliver them so they wouldn't go back. So as they were crossing the Red Sea, Pharoah and his army, instead of looking at the miracle of the sea being parted, decided to come after them causing their demise. That in itself is enough to be happy about, but this is what really got me...

"God delivered Israel that day from the oppression of the Egyptians. And Israel looked at the Egyptian dead, washed up on the shore of the sea, and realized the tremendous power that God brought against the Egyptians." --Exodus 14:29-31 The Message Bible. 

That day, at the breaking of day, God delivered them and they didn't have to see the Egyptians anymore!!

I should be happy right now because God has delivered me, but just like the children of Israel, instead of going on to serve God--He performed miracle after miracle during their exodus from Egypt and they were free.

Physically they were free, but their mind was still in bondage. They murmured and complained and eventually God got tired and instead of them getting to their promised land, the parents died in the wilderness. They were free, but they died without seeing their dream. God gave their dream to their children. I don't want to die without seeing my dreams come true. I've got to get the bondage out of my mind. I GOT TO!!! God has been too good to me and life is too good for me not to be happy!!!

Talking to those women and listening to Steph has motivated me to take advantage of my freedom....Thank God for freedom!!! So, instead of sitting hear being overwhelmed and in a funk, I'm gonna thank God and move into my future!!! I have purpose for my life and the will of God will be done!!!!

The worst part is over....I'm not in bondage anymore.


                      

Happenings

I had to go to the IYC in St. Charles on yesterday to take a drug test. The NP I volunteer at provides life skills classes at two of the women's prisons and my boss wants me to help with the classes. Part of the volunteer application process for the prisons is a drug test. I was a little baffled that I had drive that far, despite the fact that the prison I'm going to volunteering at is 45 minutes away, but I went anyway. It was a nice drive. Thank God my car made it. It's been making some type of rattling noise.

I NEED MONEY TO GET IT FIXED.

 When I pulled up and saw the barbed wire at IYC, which is a maximum security juvenile detention center for males ages 13-20, I was a little apprehensive. I briefly worked at a center for juvies for about 9 months, but it was nothing like this. This place housed over 300 males. Where I worked at housed no more than 20.

I had to be watched while I submitted my pee test. That was a a different experience--someone watching you pee, but it was necessary. I'm not sure what the next process it, but I'll call on Monday to let them know I complete my test.

GED classes have been going well. A few of my students have been dropping off. I've got to make some phone calls to see where my students are.

My weight gain is pathetic. I've got to get some health insurance so that I can get my hormones under control. I don't have money to pay to see a doctor. As a matter of fact, I owe my doctor some money, so I'm not sure if I can even get a new prescription for my thyroid hormone. Ugh!!!

 I need God to HELP MY MIND!!! I've got to get out of this state of mind, ASAP!!!

I've been moving my stuff out of storage, little by little. THANK GOD!!! I should have everything moved by the end of next week. No more storage fees!!!

I think my LINK card will be cut off. I'm not sure how much money I'm going to be paid, but I was paid over $500 gross on my last pay check. If my next pay check is that amount I will be cut off. I NEED THAT LINK CARD.

Dangit. My sister, Gayle*, called me to ask for money to get home. I told her that I would see if I could help her out when I get paid. I'm not sure if I will have enough money. I'll see. I haven't heard anything from the IRS job. I hope they don't audit me. That would suck because I don't have donations letters for the last two years.

Blow Up Beds Suck

The first thing I bought for my new apartment was a blow-up mattress because I didn't have a bed. It didn't last long which is a probably a testament to my expanding waistline--I've gained 15lbs. Somehow it started leaking air and won't stay inflated. So I just slept on the sofa. A few months ago I bought another inflatable mattress when I welcomed a girl that needed a place to stay. When she didn't stay, I kept the mattress because I needed something to sleep on since I don't have enough money to get my bed out of layaway. So, I've been sleeping on it because it's more comfortable than my couch. But, now it's failing. I really need to get my new bed!!! ASAP!!! I'm not sure if my unemployment will be lowered since I've been working. I got paid today and my check was about $500, so I had to report it on my unemployment. I also have to report this money to public aid so they will lower my LINK card. Man, I really need the extra money. What to do? What to do?

Thyroid Disorder

About 6 years ago, I was visiting the doctor and he noticed that my thyroid was slightly enlarged. He completed a blood test to check the hormone level in my blood. The test came back normal. No big deal. I didn't think anything of it. In 2009 my gyne wanted to test me again. She said that it seemed like it has grown. She also sent me to get an ultrasound. About a week after the blood test and ultrasound I got a call from my gyne's secretary telling me that my test came back abnormal and that there were nodules on my thyroid. She recommended I see a specialist to get the nodules biopsied to determine if they were benign or malignant. I refused to believe it and after making two appointments with the specialist that were canceled I didn't think anything about it until this year. In April I went to see a doctor and they tested my blood levels and she diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. My thyroid is not producing enough hormone. Initially I thought my extreme fatigue and depression were simply me being lazy. I kept telling myself that I had to quit being lazy and quit being depressed about my life. And I've rapidly gained 15 pounds which I was thinking was because I was eating too much and not exercising. I've never gained weight this fast. It took me 8 years to gain 30 pounds, but it only took me a matter of months to gain 15 pounds. All of these symptoms got me to thinking. Hmmmm. I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and he was talking about the parathyroid glands and how a disease of these glands can cause health problems. So, I research hypothyroidism and now I'm realizing that it's not just me being lazy or depressed or fat. I really have a disorder. I learned that the thyroid hormone regulates so many bodily functions including metabolism. Now, I need to figure out what to do about it!!!! I hate taking pills. My doctor prescribed me some pills and I took them for about a month. I didn't even get them refilled, but now I think I"m gonna get them refilled. I NEED MY ENERGY!! And I need to lose this weight. So, I'm gonna take the pills and pray to God for healing. I believe that I can be healed. That's what the word of God says, "...by His stripes, we are healed." So I claim my healing in Jesus name!!!

Superior Quality

I applied for a job with the IRS recently. I just got an email that stated that my rating was the highest quality and I received a superior rating. It also said that I will be notified of my next instructions. That's exciting.

Teaching GED is exciting also. I started my class at the community center on Tuesday and so far I've about about 8 students interested. That's good!

We will be advertising for a class at the NP that will start in October. I can't wait...

Anxiety & Fear

I was so frustrated the other day. I know that we do some dumb stuff, but my frustration was not understanding. Well, that was until I woke up with fear and anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

I've been on the phone with my sister in Dayton and my brother in San Diego. We've been discussing helping my sister, Gayle (not her real name).

Gayle was 17 or 18 when she got involved with a man who was about 30 (my age at the time). No one in my family approved. We all knew the likelihood of this guy really being interested in her was slim to none. Because of her age and ignorance, she didn't want to believe that.

I've asked several men, what would a man over 30 want with a teenager and all of them simply say that the relationship is superficial. In addition to that, he was already married. And she and him was claiming to be married. WHAT??

In 2010, he got divorced (according to the county website). In February 2011, they got married. WHAT?????

Well, that's not the big issue. The BIG issue is that this guy was a drug dealer.

They moved from here to a small town up north and decided they were going to make some money. He didn't realized that he was gonna be set up by the DEA.

Yes, the DEA set him up and he sold drugs, three times, to an undercover DEA officer. They recorded everything. In each of the times, she was driving the car. They were arrested and he was charged. Because she was driving, they didn't charge her, but she lied to them and told them that she didn't know what his was doing. BS!!!!

The DEA decided that they wanted to make a deal with them. He was a little fish and was trafficking drugs from the mexicans in Chicago. They wanted them to work with them to bring down their suppliers. However, they decided that instead of becoming informants, they would run and that's what they did, despite the fact that she could get out of this because she wasn't being charged. Which was the source of my frustration.

I have a friend who was an informant for the DEA. She used to sell drugs and to escape being charged and sent to federal prison, she made a deal to bring down the major drug dealers. And that's what she did, for 9 years. She told me how she did it, how they wired her, how they wired her house, everything. So, I was thinking that this was something that was simply. Right? You sell drugs anyway, right? So selling drugs while being wire tapped should be easy, right?

That's what I thought until that morning laying in my bed feeling the fear and anxiety that my sister, Gayle was feeling. I felt so much fear that it was sickening. Now, I understand them running. And I understand how dangerous this is for them.

How does this end with them not being hurt? How does this situation end? HOW??? HOW????

I pray to God that the angels protect them!!! She will need the almighty God to get her out of this situation!!!!

We Do Dumb Stuff...Sometimes

As a woman, I've done some dumb stuff in my life. Most of it was because of my ignorance of certain situations, but some if it was because of my stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to sound wisdom. Because of this, I found myself in quite a few mishaps. Despite that, I still don't understand some women. Ok, I take that back, I understand, but I don't...kind of confusing.

For example, if you have been in a situation where a man has beaten you almost to death, and you managed to escape with your life barely hanging on...why do you get involved with another abusive man? Are you that desperate for a man?

This woman has clearly been abused...you can physically see the scars on her neck, hands, etc and now she calls me for help when a guy that she was dating won't leave her alone. I tell her to call the police and get a restraining order. She doesn't want to. WHAT????? What do you expect me to do? If he kicks your door in like he's threatening to do, that's exactly what I'm gonna do... CALL THE POLICE.


Another girl decides that instead of turning her husband in for selling drugs, she is going to run with him even though he's looking at being charged with 60 years to life. She won't leave him, but she will hide with him. WHAT???? I understand loyalty. I understand the whole, "Stand by your man" concept, but this is the federal government saying that he is going to federal prison and instead of cooperating with them, you flee??? WHAT??? I know the vows say, "for better or for worse," but the worse part would have to be me coming to visit you in jail because I'm not gonna risk my life for you. As a matter of fact, the Bible says that the husband must love the wife as Christ loved the church and Jesus died for us, that that means the husband has to love his wife so much that he don't want anything to happen to her. Not only love her as long as she don't turn you in for breaking the law.

I was so frustrated with these two women today. I just had to pray for them because I didn't know what else to do. I pray that their eyes are opened so that they can see the value within themselves and now allow a man to continue to disrespect them.