I'm Used to Sleeping on the Couch

I have been sleeping on the sofa since I bought my sofa early last year because I do not have a bed. It just dawned on me the other night that this is not the first time, the sofa was my bed. When I was 17, I moved in with my grandmother. It was as a result of my family being evicted and we were homeless. I really don't have time to go into the whole story now, but my bed was the sofa for about two years and when I went away to college and would come back home, I would come back to the sofa.  So, the sofa doesn't bother me....I am, however, looking forward to a nice luxurious bed soon!!

I Nearly Cried

I know I've heard this song before, but for some reason as I was driving home from work the other day, it came on the radio and the words were my life and how everything I've gone through has led me to Christ. I know many people have used this song in weddings, but I think about my relationship with Christ when I think about the words....I want to sing it to the lover my soul!!



Right after that, this came on the radio and I wanted to cry even more:

Yep, paid that off

So far I've paid over $1000 in debt this year and I'm on schedule to pay more. Yep, I paid $550 car loan, $321 medical bill and $120 medical bill. The next medical bill I have to pay is $341 and I just found another medical bill for over $500 that I'm going to pay this year....Thank God!!!!

Then I have to pay the vehemet....$3,500 off. By the grace of God it will be demolished by the end of THIS YEAR!!!

Restitution

I got a call from Kathy (not her real name) at the State's Attorney's office. She stated that the case of my stolen car is still proceeding, but she wants to know the cost associated with my loss because she wants restitution to be paid for what I lost. The cost of my key replacement, my laptop, camera, backup drive...everything in my car that was lost. I've been trying to find all of my receipts. I pray that I can find them...But, this is what I have so far:

Keys remade: $65
HP Laptop: $600 (got to find that receipt)
Kodak Camera: $59
Seagate Backup Drive: $71
My neice's Christmas gift: $30 (the receipt was in the box to be mailed to her just in case I didn't get the correct size)

There were other things that were of value like my laundry detergent (Tide is expensive), but I didn't list that.

Of course they stole my car a second time, but they weren't charged for that one because they could not determine WHO stole my car, so I can't list any of those charges such as the rental car.

I'm not even sure if I can list the value of Microsoft office professional that was loaded onto my laptop because my job gave that to me because I work at home, but that was nearly $500 in value.

I wish that I just get my stuff back. Yes, I need the money to purchase new stuff because right now I have not been able to replace any of that, but all of the data I had on my laptop and the backup drive and all of my pictures....Yes, the items can be replaced, buy my data can't...my photos can't. That's what I want most of all!!!

If my stuff can be returned in the condition that it was stolen, I'd take it!!!!

I LOVE This Dress

My goal is to be married by the end of this year....BUT, I'm not dating anyone, so I'm not sure if that's gonna happen. However, a cute little dress shop caught my eye as I was taking the car to be services. I stopped in for a quick peek and I saw a cute dress, but it wasn't THE dress.

THE dress was a dress that I found at David's Bridal four years ago. Then a year later it was on clearance for $200 in a size 12. I tried it on and it fit perfect except for my bust. It made me look slim and it was a the perfect color--champaign. I fell in love with THE dress and I have not been able to find anything that looks good on me.

So, I was in the store and the clerk started talking and she said that a lot of the bridal gowns were custom made and that the seamstress could make anything from a picture. So I got home and sent her the pictures. I'm not sure if she will be able to recreate it because recreations almost never seem as good as the real thing and I don't want to pay for something that is not right...so I'm nervous. But, I sent her all of the pictures that I had.....

So THIS is THE dress...

Do You Really Love?

My neighbor is loud. She likes to have late night guest, these guest don't arrive until after mid-night and they don't leave until sometimes the morning if I don't shut the party down. There have been several times when I have had to knock on her door in the middle of the night to tell her that the music was too loud or that she was keeping others up. Finally, I told her that if I had to come over one more time, I would call the police. That time finally arrived on Saturday.... But, I have to talk about what happened on Friday night first.

My window was opened and I heard people talking on the parking lot. So, I decided to listen. I heard my neighbor talking about getting a new job and how she was going to "turn up" this weekend before she started on job on Monday. "Oh boy," is what I thought. I should have known "turning it up" was going to be a problem. Sure enough on Saturday...I mean Sunday morning around 2:30am, I hear this arguing between a man and a woman and then I hear another person, sssshhhhhhhh and telling them to be quiet. It was my neighbor telling her guest that they were going to get her kicked out if they didn't be quiet. They were going back and forth til finally, I couldn't talk it anymore. I called the police. They were all on the parking lot when the police came and my neighbor gave the poice a sob story of how she was going to get kicked out. Then she came knocking on my door with the police in tow to explain that it was her guest and not her. So, I told her that she needed to be mindful of the guest she keep, because it's not fair to us, her neighbors, to have to listen to foolishness in the middle of the night. I then told her that I would talk to my boss and explain it. I was bothered the whole night. My spirit was interrupted. I couldn't go to sleep. I wanted to start cleaning, but I didn't feel like it. I wanted to sleep. I didn't want her to get kicked out, but I was fed up with her noise and it didn't make it any better that she was threatening somebody just the day before.

Now, I needed to show her mercy even though she was quite unnice in her conversation about the program and about her apartment. I mean, I don't like living here either, but I'm grateful and I thank God for a place to live!! So, I did. I showed her mercy. I sent an email to my boss telling her that it wasn't her fault. I hope my boss took my opinion to heart. I really really don't want to see her kicked out. Despite the fact that she doesn't care for me very much....

Paying My Debts

I went to the debt collectors today to inquire about paying off my debt. There was a total of $8,101.99.

SAY, WHAT????

All I knew about was a debt for $321, $341, and $3500. Where did this other $3900 come from....

Well, apparently I have an old debt from 2003 that still has not been paid. It was from when I had a roommate and she stopped paying her rent and because both our names were on the lease I went down in the sinking ship too.

UGH!!!!

I disputed it back in 2003 and I'm still disputing it now. As a matter of fact, the landlord had a written letter saying that I paid my portion, but not her portion. So, I will continue to dispute it. And there was a bill for $120. I do't remember that one...but, I gotta pay it. I'm not looking for any hand outs in paying my bills, I just want them paid. I told the woman that I would pay the $120 and $321 on next week. Then I would pay the $341 in mid Septermber....Then I will tackle the $3500.

How do you eat an elephant...one bite at a time.

So, I'm going to take that large bill and pay it off one portion at a time. At first I was trying to hold onto my money and save up to pay it all in one lump sum, but that's not working for me. My goal is to have it paid by the end of the year, but sooner if possible!!

Thank You, God!!

My Spirit is Just Unsettled

It started this morning when I got my hair done--which is terrible, by the way. I just started feeling nervous and unsettled. It didn't help that she was burning me with her hot iron. Then I got to work and got the email about my nasty apartment.

UGH...then I had to deal with two teens who are having drama issues. Now, I still have that uneasiness. I don't like it. It's just uncomfortable. Father, I need you. I need your spirit!!

I Don't Like Cleaning Up

This is the second time that my boss has come to my apartment and it's been a complete and utter MESS!!

What can I say?

I just don't like cleaning up.

Actually, it's not just the cleaning up, it's the laundry and paperwork that's bothering me. I have laundry everywhere and I have paperwork EV-ER-RYWHERE!!! And it's getting me in trouble!!!

OMG!!!

Ok, sometimes the dishes pile up....but dag. I don't spend a lot of time at home. I need to spend more time at home. I'm grateful for my home. So, why can't I keep it clean. God help me. Some people say cleanliness is next to Godliness...I've never found that scripture in the Bible. But, I understand the concept.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A CLEANING PARTY!!

I wonder who I can invite over. I wish me and musicbox were friends,I'd invite him, but I won't. Lord, I need someone to help me. Holy Spirit help me, please!!!

Certificate of Divorcement

I LOVE GOD!!!! I LOVE GOD!!!!

I can't say it enough, I actually want to shout it to the top of my lungs, I LOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEEE GOD!!!!!

And I'm working on my relationship because I want to do the will of the Father. So in working on my relationship I am going through a separation, cutting myself off, divorcing-so to speak- myself from all the bad relationships in the past. My soul has been tied to people and even though the relationship was over, I still harbored feelings and thoughts for different people. I would still long for and want to associate myself with them. But, to be pure and free, I have to cut myself off. All ties, chains, bondages to those people have to be broken from my life and out of my spirit.

So, to do this I decided to fast for 21 days. Of course I'm not going without food totally...I'm fasting safely and I have instructions that have been given to me. I want my spirit and my body clean!! So in doing so, I have been running into old relationships. I met "Tom" at the video store and sure enough when I saw him, I wanted to run the other way. But, I didn't act fast enough and he wanted to know if he could come over to watch movies with me. "NO," is what I wanted to say, but I simply told him that my TV was on the wall in front of the treadmill so there is no way that we could watch the movie together. He said he would call me. I was so happy when he didn't.

Today, I was at the unemployment office waiting on some students to help them with some paperwork. I stood up and across the room was "GED guy". LOL....I'm going to call him that because when I met him over 10 years ago, he didn't have a GED. When I saw him, he gave me a look and I just waved and prayed to God, "Not today." This guy and I had a tumultuous relationship and I DO NOT want to revisit that past. I want sleeping dogs to lie. Sure enough when he finished his work he came over to ask me if I was married. UGH, "I should have bought the ring," is what I thought to myself because some things I don't have to answer if I have a ring on my finger. The ring I saw at TJ Maxx was the cutest ring for $12 and it was like a wedding band. But, I didn't want to spend the money.....I was crucifying my flesh...not buying stuff that I don't need. But, he came over to talk and asked me for my number. I simply said, "not right now." He then proceeded to give me his number and I didn't move an inch while he was saying it. I then told him that I saw him at church. Yep, he came to church and he was with another woman. He didn't know that I saw him because I was ducking and dodging. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY would I give you my number if you are tied to some other woman. I don't have time to stay get caught up in some kind of foolishness

NO MORE!!!!!

I'm not ignorant to those things anymore!!! GOD has delivered me!!!!

MY GOD HAS DELIVERED ME!!!!!! AND I'M NNNNOOOOOTTTTTT GOING BACK!!!!

So I told him that if wanted to find me he knows where....I'm always at church. He left and I was glad!! But my spirit was bothered. I"m not sure why I was bothered!! It was like the stench of him was on me and I was bothered and uncomfortable. It took a minute before I could shake the spirit off me..... Thank God for my divorcement!!!! I can't wait until it's over!!!!!

I Said "YES" to Jesus!!

I have been in and out, up and down in my faith. Well, not really my faith, because I always believe God no matter what. I guess it's more in my relationship with Christ. I've never been good with relationships and for a long time, I made it up in my mind that I wasn't a "relationship" person. Yes, I would associate with people, but forming relationships was not something that was easy for me to do, so I settled with having a relationship with myself. I made it up in my mind that I was going to do all that I could to just love me and not really anyone else. Of course I found out that this wasn't healthy. "Life is about relationships," my mentor told me. And years and years ago my mother said, "You gonna always need people." That always stuck with me and I've found it to be true. I can't just live in my own little world and not let people in.

So, I started working on my relationships with people. And it's uncomfortable because how do you form relationships? You hang around with people. What do you do when you hang around? You talk.... I don't like to talk. Well, I like talking to myself (that's not weird!) The Bible says that he that has a friend must first show himeself friendly. How do you show yourself as friendly? You talk, you smile, you compliment....you be FRIENDLY. I've been working on doing that and it's awkward sometimes. I like quiet. I mean, I can be in the car for hours and not have the radio on at all. I can be sitting in the car with another person and for their sake...not for me, but for their sake, I would turn the radio on. Otherwise, I am content to just sit and be quiet which makes people uncomfortable. What's wrong with quiet? Why are people uncomfortable with quiet? I can remember driving for about 6 hours with a friend and we didn't talk very much at all. I didn't have anything to talk about. I didn't have anything to say. I always wondered what she thought about me after that trip. We didn't hang out much after that. LOL.

So, in renewing my committment to Christ, I have been working on being mindful of my relationship status. I have to make an effort to spend time in the word of God and to pray because this is VERY important to me. I've been stuck for some time now and my fire has not been burning like I want it to burn, so maintaining my relationship is very important. I'm learning to love me less and to love Christ more.

I've GOT to move forward with me life and fulfill my purpose.

Going Through a Divorce

I am not married, well not legally. I've never been married, well not legally.....But, I'm going through a divorce. Yes, I'm getting rid of the past relationships and baggage. I HAVE to in order to move on.

In church on last Tuesday, Prophetess was ministering and she said, "Do you know you can be married to someone while being married to someone else?" She posed this question to say that if you are married, but you have feelings for and are thinking about and longing to be with someone else, then are not just married to your husband, but to that person also. You are tied to that person emotionally, so in essence you are married.

That got me to thinking....

I have been longing for Mister for quite some time. Not just because I want to be with him, because really I don't, but emotionally, I'm tied to him. My soul longs for him even though I do not want to be with him. This got me to thinking even more....about Coach and how he wanted to marry me and I was slightly willing. I was slightly willing..... My soul was longing for him too. That's how I got caught up with him in the first place. Then Prophetess, talked about the spirit realm and how when you fast, you have access to the spirit realm. I'm not sure I understand it all, but I believe that. This made me even more concerned.... I was fasting when I got with Coach. Not only was I concerned, I was grieved by this.

OMG.

So, I need a divorce. I need to be single before I move on. So, in order to become divorced, I'm fasting and praying. I don't see any other way--21 days of consecration. I can't take the spiritual stagnation. I have got to move forward in my life that that will require me to move forward spiritually.

Distress Signals

I have been in distress since my investigation. You know how your brain just thinks the worst. I've been all over everything thinking the worst. But, today I decided to just TRUST GOD!!  There is nothing that I can do. I trust the word of God when it says, The blessings of the Lord maketh rich and adds no sorrow. I'm not going to be sorrowful.

Another reason I'm not going to be in distress is because I"m teaching a stress management workshop. And I have to do what I'm teaching. So, I CHOOSE not be be stressed.

Thank God for choices.

Makes Me Wanna Scream

I just finished my interview for the investigation. OMG. I just wanna scream. Talking bout combing through my past with a fine tooth comb.  OMG!!

I was brave in talking about my homelessness, but for some reason I teared up when she asked about my daughter. I thought I was gonna have to excused myself. I'm not even sure why I got emotional, but I did. I guess it's not everyday that I have to tell someone that my daughter is dead. As a matter of fact every time someone ask me if I have any children I just say no and there is a little tinge, but I ignore it and keep going.

There was so much information...

I found out that I had a contempt of court charge on June 4, 2010. Obviously, it wasn't me.

Under Investigation

I have been under investigation for the past two months.

Okay,

I don't think investigation is the right word, well, it's an extensive background check that is being investigated and I meet with my investigator, Alicia, on tomorrow. I was told that I would be going through all of the information that I completed on my background application and I would be explaining everyting--unemployment, homelessness, estranged parents, everything. I'm not sure how I feel. I mean, I've never uttered the words to anyone, "I'm homeless."  Well, I did tell this one guy, to which he told me that he slept in the park. And I said it in a letter to my banker so that he wouldn't repo my car, but no one else.  I feel sad that I'm not close enough to anyone to be able to share that information with people. I mean, it's embarrassing. I guess that's my pride. I remember when Coach told me that things that he was going through. He was so embarrassed. What he didn't know was that I had been through similar situations. But, I didn't know how to share that with him.

So, this stranger is going to dig into my past and I'm going to have to explain it. I'm not sure if it's going to be easier because it's a stranger....

We'll see.....

Only a Little Test

Laundy guy is a bust. I mean, he did all of that to get my attention only to flub. He's not texting calling or anything. I kind of knew that was gonna happen. Especially when he told me his situation. I mean, 6 kids and he moved here to be with his girl and he was with his girl for 10 years. That's not easy to walk away from. I'm suspecting a testing. Why else would I meet a man and then nothing? I'm being tested......

Oh boy!!

Excuse Me, What Kind of Hairstyle is That?

I don't get "hit on" very often. It makes me wonder, "Am I unattractive? Am I fat or Am I just too old?" I don't let it bother me, but it's nice for someone to notice me and I'm not talking about some old, bald dude with missing teeth. I'm talking about someone my age.

So, imagine my surprise when a guy asked me, "Excuse me, what kind of hairstyle is that?"

"Huh," was my response as I tried to come up with words to explain my hairstyle. He then went on to tell me that he was flirting.

"Oh, Ok," was all I managed to say. I mean, I was at the laundromat, sweaty from being out in the sun at the run/walk, and I have a small cold sore on my lip. I wasn't feeling quite attractive or flirty, but I accepted it. I didn't say anything else to him and he left.

I started thinking about a conversation Mister and I had about meeting people. He was disappointed that he has not been able to meet anyone that he wants to me. He mentioned that his prospects are at gas stations or laundromats (meaning the women at laundromats and gas stations are not the type of women he likes to meet). I told him, I always go to the gas station and laundromat. I kind of laughed because I understand.
The last guy that hit on me at the gas station was half drunk and the last guy that hit on my at the laundromat was almost 50 and involved with another woman. Then there was the guy that said he liked me, but he didn't want to date a black girl. LOL. He wasn't saying it in a racist way, he was half black. What I got from him saying it was that he dated some black girls in the past who weren't "his cup of tea." I understand. There are a lot of hood chicks out there and quite a few go to the laundromat. LOL.

Anyway....

This guy was cute. He had his son with him. When he came back, he finally got up enough nerve to talk to me. We exchanged numbers. He's from D.C. (my fav place to visit). I'm not sure what I think about him. I asked him how many children he had. He said he had 6.

Oh boy.....


Here we go again....


LOL.....

Why do I meet men with so many children. I want a man that can pay a lot of attention to me. When you have more than 2 children, you attention is spread thin, in addition to your money.

I then asked, "Married, divorces, or single," to which he replied, "Single."

Oh boy....


So that means baby mamas.

He explained that he was in a relationship for 10 years and he has 5 children by the woman. WOW.

10 years is a lot to compete with. And he said that he moved here, all the way to central IL because of this woman. WOW!!!

Not, sure what I'm going to do with this. Maybe I'll just go out a few times, just to have a little fun. But, I tend to think that if you have been in an extensive relationship for a long time, you NEED to take some time for you. You don't NEED to jump right into the next relationship. I mean, how do you know who you are apart from the relationship. When people have been together for that long, and I'm assuming they lived together, they "JOIN" together as one. And when they break up it's like part of them is missing and they need to get or fill that part back up with themselves. When Mister left I went a little crazy with the men and it was making me so crazy that I just needed to STOP. I took time for me. Almost 3 years without a date and there have been times where I've been just happy to be by myself because I needed to know who I was apart from him. My life was so intertwined with him that I didn't know who I was or what I liked. I NEEDED that time and space.

I know, I know....everyone is different.

But, 10 years being attached to someone.

And you didn't marry the person. Why not get married? But you kept having children.

Something is wrong with that picture.  I"m not judging it, but I'm cautious.....

Stop It

I had a dream last night and it was pretty interesting.

I'm not sure where we were, but my first lady was there. She was ministering and prophesying to people. For some reason I was laying down on a mattress on the floor underneath the covers. Coach was there with me, but I couldn't get comfortable because it was cold and I was trying to stay covered. I was also wondering if she was going to come minister to me, especially since I was laying in a bed with a man who was not my husband. Eventually she came over, snatched the covers off and said, "What do we have here?" She then looked at me and told me to stick my tongue out. She examined my tongue and mouth and said, "You have black lungs." I said, "I don't smoke." She looked at coach and said, "Maybe it's all the sex. STOP IT," and then she left.  I woke up shortly and wondered what it meant.

WOW!!

I've Purchased 3 Vehicles

I was able to pay the balance of my car note today. And I have the title in my hand. Thank you God, this burden has been lifted. Now I just need to get this car fixed. I want to get rid of it, but I can't afford a new one right now. So, I'm going to concentrate on fixing it. This will be the 3rd car that I've purchased and paid off. The 2 prior had been paid on on time, but I was behind 5 months. I thank God that this was a small community credit union. And the banker allowed me to be late without repo'ing my car or sending me to court. Thank God!!