Spring Cleaning---Body Version

I've been on this weight loss journey and it has been up and down. I went to the doctor and he tested my thyroid, B12, Vit D, etc. My thyroid peroxidase is off the charts! The normal range is 0-34. My number is 241. DANG!!

So the doctor prescribed levothyroxine in 50 mcg. I have to take this daily along with Vitamin D3 which was so low. The normal range is 30-100. My number was 10.9. I have so little Vitamin D, but that is typical for an african american person. My B12 was ok, but I need more. My other thyroid numbers were ok.

So in addition to working out, the meds will help with my weight loss!!

Quit Being Lazy...Change

I was doing my homework...the assignment is to analyze a case study based on the course materials that we are reading. I completed the assignment, then I logged on and my professor submitted his analysis. It was WAY different from mine and my cohorts. As I was reading his professional submission, I began to feel some kind of way and then I started to feel anxiety and I immediately shut down the computer and went back to watching TV. But, this anxiety puzzled me? He was the professor, of course his submission was going to be professional, so why did it bother me?

I thought and thought and it hit me....

I'm just LAZY and I do the bare minimum just to get by and when someone comes along and shows me what I'm not doing, by doing what I should have been doing, it causes some friction within my emotions. I get bothered.

But, that's not their problem. It's mine. I need to quit being LAZY and just change.

So, I'm becoming MORE ACTIVE in my own life. I can't just let life pass me by, I have to stop being passive and activate myself in my own change. Thank God for activation and this activation is spawned by the motivation that God has been so good to me and I am the steward of this life, so I want to do the best I can with this life.

BTW, Did I Tell You I Had a Panic Attack?

During the 2nd week in March I volunteered with the UW to help them evaluate community grants. It was an exhausting, eye-opening experience. My brain hurt so bad from all the information. But that wasn't the problem. I had so many panic attacks. It was like the spirit of REGRET was all in my grill and would not let me go. I heard these people talking about all these great things that they were doing and the only thing that it made me feel like was a big fat FAILURE. I mean, I had great ideas to and I had these grandiose plans and none of it came to fruition. As a matter of fact all of it has led me to being very unproductive and I couldn't take it. My mind was overloaded and anxiety washed over me.

In the face of this year of Restoration, this year of Renewal and Restitution, I was staring at REGRET and it made me so sick that I ended up in the doctor's office on Friday evening. I couldn't shake the anxiety and I was so tired because I couldn't sleep.

It was horrible.

I took the pill the doctor prescribed and it did make me feel better. I was able to sleep, but I can't live off a pill.

For the past month or so I've been seeing a therapist. *exhale* because I'm at a place in my like where I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON. I mean, I want this season to be OVER and I felt like I couldn't let the past be the past. It's been really cool to express myself and talk, like really talk. I haven't been able to talk about my past abuse to anyone. I mean, I've mentioned it to Mister before, but really talk about and tell the story of what happened from my perspective has always been hard, but this time, I've been able to say it all and I'm moving on. By the grace of God, I'm moving on. And in moving on, there is going to be resistance. I just need to push past the resistance and the anxiety attack was a major resistance. But, I made it through.

Now, I want to be able to use this to propel me forward. I want to be able to springboard from here, but I don't know how.

How do I use my pain as a method of my healing to push me forward?

Spring Clean Me

Since December I've been on this "better me" journey and it's still going. I went to see Dr. Rohde and I LOVED IT. From the time I walked to the back, I enjoyed my doctors visit. The lab nurse was nice, the attending nurse was so friendly and Dr. Rohde was great!! He talked to me. I mean really TALKED to me and I appreciated that. I didn't feel rushed or anxious and I was able to tell him about me.

Sometimes you go to the doctor and there is this intimidation factor and when the doctor ask if you have any questions, your brain goes blank because of the anxiety. Not with Dr. Rohde. And I truly truly appreciate that. As a matter of fact, I left his office high. Yes, I had a natural high after I left. I was just smiling for no reason at all. DANG!!  They took 3 long vials of blood from me and $430 and I still left beaming from ear to ear.

Where they do that at? LOL!!

It felt like the best $430 I've spent. When the woman was taking my money, I was glad to give it to her. DANG!!

The only thing that I can say is that it reminds me of the spirit of God. It felt like love.

So, Dr. Rohde is going to test my hormones to see what's going on in this body of mine. I have to do a saliva test where on my 21st day of my cycle, I put saliva samples into 4 tubes 4 times throughout the day. Unfortunately I'm already past the 21st day in this cycle so I have to catch it in April which will be in about 3-4 weeks. I can't wait. Finally, I will have some REAL answers to my problems.

Thank God!!

Relax in the Grace Zone

Expectations are defined as, "a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future."

I set goals in my life with the expectation that I'm going to meet them.  I do what I need to do in order to meet those goals. Some goals I am too lazy to meet and when that is the case, I do what I can to get motivated to meet that goal. I have expectations...

But, what happens when the expectations are so high that I can't meet them? Or what happens when I keep failing at what is expected of me? That's when I get into a funk? I get frustrated because my potential is being interrupted.

Expectations are tied to potential...

Potential is defined as, "latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness."

When a person has the potential, but doesn't meet the expectations that can be frustrating. So, what does God say, "My GRACE is sufficient...."

Grace is defined as, "the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

Sometimes we have the potential for something, but we don't fulfill the expectation (that anticipation) and it causes frustrated. So when those times come I need to rest in God's grace until I can get the strength and align myself back up to fulfill that potential.

I Am THAT Girl

Dag....change is hard, BUT NECESSARY!!

I signed up for POF....again. I didn't know I was THAT girl. You know, the girl who couldn't stay single, the girl who needs a man. Yea, her!

When did I become her. I mean, I know Mister and I finally called it quits and I don't have any male relationships outside of church, but HER, REALLY? I thought I was more sound and stable than that. I guess not!!

Admission is the first step. So here I am admitting that I have a problem with being alone. Not being single. I'm okay with being single. I mean, I live by myself and I enjoy living by myself--I can walk around sans clothing and not wash the dishes if I want to and I won't here one word about it, but alone....that's a whole other problem. Alone is a problem and I don't like it so to fix my aloneness I do stupid stuff like sign up for POF. This time I even said that I'm not looking for a commitment. Who does that? THAT girl does. And sure enough the first response I got was from a douchbag. UGH!!

So, I had to be reminded about this change.

I am in a transformation stage. And I must keep transforming. And God had to remind me of that tonight. And I thank God for HIS LOVE and for reminding me that alone is not forever. Also, that it doesn't hurt me not to have a man. No it doesn't feel good, but I won't die. So, finish the transition. I was even going to go flirting with this cute guy that has been smiling at me at Kroger. Not just any smile, but a staring smile. He works there. I don't know anything about him, but usually when I'm in the grocery store, people pass by and if I don't know them, they just pass, but this guy--he smiles and lingers. Yep, I was going to flirt BIG TIME. I was going to pull out all the stops and get me a date. But, I had to be reminded. That used to be me. As a matter of fact, when that was me, it ALWAYS got me into trouble. ALWAYS!!

Ain't that just like the devil. Seductive...dangit. BUT, I thank God. I just deleted my POF profile and I didn't go to that Krogers I went to the one all the way in another town. Yep, no temptation here. THANK YOU GOD!!

Family

Family can be exhausting....DANG!!!

I grew up the oldest of 7 children (my mother's children) and I was so lonely in a house full of people. It was sad and depressing. But, i made it though. I'm still the oldest (LOL), but family hasn't gotten any easier. I used to tell myself that I wasn't gonna get married and have children because I saw the struggle and the struggle wasn't fun at all. My dad struggled with drinking and drugs and my mother did what she could to keep food on the table.

The struggle was real and HARD.

And I hated it.

I made this silent vow to not go through that when I got older and so far I haven't, but it hasn't made family any easier. Now that we are all adults, I just want all of us to get along, but I text my brother in Cali and he ignores me. One of the things that I struggle with is that I'm the oldest and I've always had to be the responsible one, but now that everyone is an adult, I still want that "everyone listen to me" role when in fact they could care less about me. There is no closeness. And it's sad. I want that closeness with my family. I want to be a family.

I guess that's why I want so badly to get married and have children. I want to raise the perfect family--which of course do NOT exist and NEVER will. But, I want it to be BETTER than when I was growing up.  I talked to my friend the other day and she told me that her son, who is 14, prayed for her and spoke the word of God to her. He even led someone to Christ in the cafeteria at school. THAT'S WHAT I WANT for my family. I want to raise up a Godly household and to have a family who would be close.

Don't Wake Me, I'm Dreaming

I've been dreaming right before I wake up.

The other day my dream was about my brother-in-law. He was righting a book about Marketing for the hood businesses. LOL. Like "Marketing for Hood Dummies," I was encouraging him.

Today I had a dream about my sister-in-law. She was sleeping with a picture of another woman I know. This other woman was a "client" because we were working in some type of school or something. And this woman that I know was a client in this type of school. And my sister-in-law was going to get into trouble for sleeping with this picture because this was fraternization. And for some reason I became my sister-in-laws roommate to help her.

Another dream I had about one of my former students. We shall call her Claire. In this dream she had a mother that was nagging and nagging her and putting her down and my former student was getting so frustrated. I can't remember the dream fully.

Anytime You Need a Friend....

I'm in Rockford, IL. I have a training to do on tomorrow, but I came up a day early hoping to spend time with my family. But, it appears that my family doesn't want to see me at all. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Backstory,

I didn't grow up with my biological father. But for a year I prayed to meet him and God answered my prayers. I met him when I was about 19. I was at a carnival on Jefferson Barracks. My aunt had asked me to help her chaperone with her children's school field trip and I was home from college during the summer. I went and as I was walking around this man came up to me, "Do you know who I am?" he asked. I told him that I didn't and he told me that he was my father.....

I was speechless...

God had answered my prayers, but now what?

At that time I had been searching for a father figure. My step-dad was an alcoholic and he had issues that kept him from being that dad we needed. So I prayed to God hoping that my biological father would be better and we would have this magical relationship. It didn't happen that way.

I met his two children and his wife and from there I met my grandmother.

When I visited my grandmother she was happy to see me. I brought her pictures of my and my sister. We had a good time together (even though she smoked like a chimney). Over time we lost touch. But, I never forgot about them.

The years after we lost touch I would google and facebook the names of my family and I found my brother on FB. He didn't remember me, but after he confirmed it with his sister, we connected.

To be continued.....