BTW, Did I Tell You I Had a Panic Attack?

During the 2nd week in March I volunteered with the UW to help them evaluate community grants. It was an exhausting, eye-opening experience. My brain hurt so bad from all the information. But that wasn't the problem. I had so many panic attacks. It was like the spirit of REGRET was all in my grill and would not let me go. I heard these people talking about all these great things that they were doing and the only thing that it made me feel like was a big fat FAILURE. I mean, I had great ideas to and I had these grandiose plans and none of it came to fruition. As a matter of fact all of it has led me to being very unproductive and I couldn't take it. My mind was overloaded and anxiety washed over me.

In the face of this year of Restoration, this year of Renewal and Restitution, I was staring at REGRET and it made me so sick that I ended up in the doctor's office on Friday evening. I couldn't shake the anxiety and I was so tired because I couldn't sleep.

It was horrible.

I took the pill the doctor prescribed and it did make me feel better. I was able to sleep, but I can't live off a pill.

For the past month or so I've been seeing a therapist. *exhale* because I'm at a place in my like where I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON. I mean, I want this season to be OVER and I felt like I couldn't let the past be the past. It's been really cool to express myself and talk, like really talk. I haven't been able to talk about my past abuse to anyone. I mean, I've mentioned it to Mister before, but really talk about and tell the story of what happened from my perspective has always been hard, but this time, I've been able to say it all and I'm moving on. By the grace of God, I'm moving on. And in moving on, there is going to be resistance. I just need to push past the resistance and the anxiety attack was a major resistance. But, I made it through.

Now, I want to be able to use this to propel me forward. I want to be able to springboard from here, but I don't know how.

How do I use my pain as a method of my healing to push me forward?