I talked about my crush in this post. Well, he's supposed to be at Zumba class today. I'm nervous!!
I found out that he's about 5 years younger than me, but that only bothers me a little bit. I've always been partial to older men....
I ran into an old teacher friend of mine and she asked me if I was involved with anyone....I told her that I had a major MAJOR CRUSH, so we made plans to eat lunch and talk about it. After she left I remembered that she married a man that's younger than she is. Is that a sign?? I mean, why did she even ask me...we haven't seen each other in years. She didn't ask about work or school or anything else, she asked if I had a man!!!
Well, we''ll see if he shows up for class today!!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Very Emotional Dr's Visit
I've had a thyroid issue looming since 2003....
My GP tested my thyroid levels said that I was okay. In 2009 my OB/GYN said to me that my thyroid was enlarged and tested me again and me to get an ultrasound done. There were nodules on my thyroid and I was referred to a specialist. Well, since I was laid off in 2010, I never got to see the specialist, so I didn't think anything about it until 2011 when I gained 25lbs and I was down in a funk and tired ALL THE TIME.
So, I went to the clinic and the PA tested my thyroid levels again along with my cholesterol. After the test, I got a call from the nurse saying that the doctor prescribed levothyroxine and sent me information on how to lower my cholesterol because it wasn't high enough to be too too concerned. I tried to ask the nurse what was wrong with me and she didn't know, so she told me that she would have the PA call me. I never got a call, so I got online to get information about levothyroxine and found that it was prescribed for hypothyroidism. Okay, so now I know what's wrong with me, right?? WRONG!! After trying to research and research about the condition, I just ended up confused. So, I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed. I didn't think it was a big deal.
May 1, 2012 I had my annual exam and my new OB/GYN told me that hypothyroidism could cause infertility.....WOW. Now my antenneas were up. My goal is to be a mom one day!! So, I had her take the BC out and she told me that if I had any issues to call her. Well, Aunt Flo didn't come...I haven't seen her since April 2012, so red flags when up...THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BODY!! I call my OB/GYN again and ask her for a referal to see the specialist again. She made the referral and the appt was a month away. I went to the specialist, filled out all the paperwork and called my GP and the hospital that ordered the ultrasound and had them send all the paperwork to the specialist. I was on my P's and Q's.
I get to my 10:45am doctor's appt today and after waiting about 25 minutes the receptionist tells everyone that the Dr is running an hour behind, so my 10:45 would now be 11:45......okay....I decided to wait because I didn't want to make another appt. I get back to the doctor and find out that my GP never sent over the results from my lab work last year. So the doctor is going off of 3 year old ultra sound pics and lab work. I tell him that I had not taken any meds since last year and he's pretty nonchalant.
He tells me that my neck is muscular and that my thyroid is not too enlarged. He then tells me that since I've only been prescribed 25mcg of hormone then it's probably not a problem. He then ask me why I wasn't taking the meds. I was frustrated and I told him that I didn't take my meds because no one told me what was wrong with me, so why take meds when I don't know I have a problem. He gives me another ultrasound and says that the nodules are so tiny that it's not a big problem. Then he tells me that I gained weight, but it's probably not from my thyroid. So I tell him about my period and he skips over that part. So, now I'm confused. He stated that my test results would be in in tomorrow and he would contact ASAP.
So, now I'm thinking that either it's my thyroid or it's something else such as PCOS which has similar symptions, with the exception of and enlarged thyroid. UGH!!!
I just wanna cry!!! I've been very emotional since I've left the office and I don't know why!! I went to my GP and asked why the records were not sent and they were all on lunch break, so I don't know what to do. UGH!!!!!
My GP tested my thyroid levels said that I was okay. In 2009 my OB/GYN said to me that my thyroid was enlarged and tested me again and me to get an ultrasound done. There were nodules on my thyroid and I was referred to a specialist. Well, since I was laid off in 2010, I never got to see the specialist, so I didn't think anything about it until 2011 when I gained 25lbs and I was down in a funk and tired ALL THE TIME.
So, I went to the clinic and the PA tested my thyroid levels again along with my cholesterol. After the test, I got a call from the nurse saying that the doctor prescribed levothyroxine and sent me information on how to lower my cholesterol because it wasn't high enough to be too too concerned. I tried to ask the nurse what was wrong with me and she didn't know, so she told me that she would have the PA call me. I never got a call, so I got online to get information about levothyroxine and found that it was prescribed for hypothyroidism. Okay, so now I know what's wrong with me, right?? WRONG!! After trying to research and research about the condition, I just ended up confused. So, I stopped taking the medication that was prescribed. I didn't think it was a big deal.
May 1, 2012 I had my annual exam and my new OB/GYN told me that hypothyroidism could cause infertility.....WOW. Now my antenneas were up. My goal is to be a mom one day!! So, I had her take the BC out and she told me that if I had any issues to call her. Well, Aunt Flo didn't come...I haven't seen her since April 2012, so red flags when up...THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY BODY!! I call my OB/GYN again and ask her for a referal to see the specialist again. She made the referral and the appt was a month away. I went to the specialist, filled out all the paperwork and called my GP and the hospital that ordered the ultrasound and had them send all the paperwork to the specialist. I was on my P's and Q's.
I get to my 10:45am doctor's appt today and after waiting about 25 minutes the receptionist tells everyone that the Dr is running an hour behind, so my 10:45 would now be 11:45......okay....I decided to wait because I didn't want to make another appt. I get back to the doctor and find out that my GP never sent over the results from my lab work last year. So the doctor is going off of 3 year old ultra sound pics and lab work. I tell him that I had not taken any meds since last year and he's pretty nonchalant.
He tells me that my neck is muscular and that my thyroid is not too enlarged. He then tells me that since I've only been prescribed 25mcg of hormone then it's probably not a problem. He then ask me why I wasn't taking the meds. I was frustrated and I told him that I didn't take my meds because no one told me what was wrong with me, so why take meds when I don't know I have a problem. He gives me another ultrasound and says that the nodules are so tiny that it's not a big problem. Then he tells me that I gained weight, but it's probably not from my thyroid. So I tell him about my period and he skips over that part. So, now I'm confused. He stated that my test results would be in in tomorrow and he would contact ASAP.
So, now I'm thinking that either it's my thyroid or it's something else such as PCOS which has similar symptions, with the exception of and enlarged thyroid. UGH!!!
I just wanna cry!!! I've been very emotional since I've left the office and I don't know why!! I went to my GP and asked why the records were not sent and they were all on lunch break, so I don't know what to do. UGH!!!!!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I've Got a Crush...
....and it's MAJOR!!
OMG, I HATE being like this!!
I walked to "Professor's" office two weeks ago. He was referred to me by a friend of mine at the university. It was noon and I was told that he was probably at lunch. Sure enough I went to office and it was dark. Hmmmm.....It was noon, lunch was over at 1pm. Do I sit for an hour??
I sat....and did some surfing.
I knew his name so I looked him up and found a video of him online. A video of what he did from Dartmouth college when he worked there. He looked average, but nice. I decided to leave and come back at one....actually I decided to leave and go put some make-up on and THEN come back at 1pm.
I came back and sat outside his office. He walked around the corner and I was surprised....he was more attractive in person.
I was HAPPY that I spruces myself up and put on some body spray. We chatted, I got the information out and that was it....
....until I needed to go back to his office later on in the week. This time I wasn't AS confident because the shirt I had no wasn't that cute, but I was tryna prove to myself that just because he was attractive, that I WASN'T attracted to him....
Didn't work :-(
Close to the end of the meeting, my heart started pumping. He was looking at me and I was looking at him....DAG!!
I left the office quickly and saw him one other time. By then I was finished with my project and contemplating going back to his office to thank him....
However, I didn't have a chance to thank him because he showed up....AT MY AEROBICS CLASS!!!
WOW, here was I all sweaty with no make-up on in gym clothes and he walks through the door. Not to work out...actually, I don't know why he was there, but he hung around even though he didn't need to...well, maybe he was hanging around to talk to the Pastor. Yes, we were doing aerobics at a church (not my church).
I did my best to keep up and I'm sure I didn't look so coordinated. He even did a few steps in the corner. WOW...since then I've looked him up on FB and I've googled him to try to find out how old he is. I found out he graduated high school the same year I graduated college. :-( So, he's about 4 years younger than me. WOW...that last time I dated a man who was younger than me, he told me I was seasoned...UGH!!! Seasoned = OLD :-(
So, now I'm crushing on him, HARD!! He's what I like....Tall, dark, bald, and he works in education. He's actually a doctoral candidate. I've said over and over again that I wanted to marry a doctor. UGH!!!!
I have a crush on this guy and I wish he would go ahead and date someone because that's the only way I'm gonna get over this crush. I sent him a FB friend request this morning and when he accepted, my heart skipped a beat......UGH!!!
I don't wanna be heart sick. My heart has been sick for a while and I can't take it......
OMG, I HATE being like this!!
I walked to "Professor's" office two weeks ago. He was referred to me by a friend of mine at the university. It was noon and I was told that he was probably at lunch. Sure enough I went to office and it was dark. Hmmmm.....It was noon, lunch was over at 1pm. Do I sit for an hour??
I sat....and did some surfing.
I knew his name so I looked him up and found a video of him online. A video of what he did from Dartmouth college when he worked there. He looked average, but nice. I decided to leave and come back at one....actually I decided to leave and go put some make-up on and THEN come back at 1pm.
I came back and sat outside his office. He walked around the corner and I was surprised....he was more attractive in person.
I was HAPPY that I spruces myself up and put on some body spray. We chatted, I got the information out and that was it....
....until I needed to go back to his office later on in the week. This time I wasn't AS confident because the shirt I had no wasn't that cute, but I was tryna prove to myself that just because he was attractive, that I WASN'T attracted to him....
Didn't work :-(
Close to the end of the meeting, my heart started pumping. He was looking at me and I was looking at him....DAG!!
I left the office quickly and saw him one other time. By then I was finished with my project and contemplating going back to his office to thank him....
However, I didn't have a chance to thank him because he showed up....AT MY AEROBICS CLASS!!!
WOW, here was I all sweaty with no make-up on in gym clothes and he walks through the door. Not to work out...actually, I don't know why he was there, but he hung around even though he didn't need to...well, maybe he was hanging around to talk to the Pastor. Yes, we were doing aerobics at a church (not my church).
I did my best to keep up and I'm sure I didn't look so coordinated. He even did a few steps in the corner. WOW...since then I've looked him up on FB and I've googled him to try to find out how old he is. I found out he graduated high school the same year I graduated college. :-( So, he's about 4 years younger than me. WOW...that last time I dated a man who was younger than me, he told me I was seasoned...UGH!!! Seasoned = OLD :-(
So, now I'm crushing on him, HARD!! He's what I like....Tall, dark, bald, and he works in education. He's actually a doctoral candidate. I've said over and over again that I wanted to marry a doctor. UGH!!!!
I have a crush on this guy and I wish he would go ahead and date someone because that's the only way I'm gonna get over this crush. I sent him a FB friend request this morning and when he accepted, my heart skipped a beat......UGH!!!
I don't wanna be heart sick. My heart has been sick for a while and I can't take it......
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I'd Rather Be A Good #2
I'd rather be a good #2 than a # 1 who is unfit--Prophet Luther McKinstry....
I was listening to the man of God teach in Bible study tonight and this is what he said, and it made a lot of sense, "I'd rather be a good #2 than a #1 who is unfit or a #1 who fails." He was talking about vision and how in life we have different assignments, but only one purpose. Our assignments have a due date--a deadline, but there is no expiration on our purpose. Our purpose can last and last and last....Take Jesus for instance, Jesus died on the cross a long, long, long time ago, but his purpose of dying was so that men would "not perish, but have every lasting life." He also talked about King David and how he had an assignment to kill Goliath, but his purpose was to be king and David was one of the greatest kings.
I then thought out modern day....Martin Luther King....his assignment was the march on Washington, but his purpose is still alive today--civil rights for all--black, white, purple, red, etc.
So, even after a person dies, their purpose still lives on.....THAT'S POWERFUL!!!
He then began to speak about knowing your place. Many people want to be #1--up front, on stage with their name in the lights, but everyone was not meant to be #1. Number 2 is just as good as #1 because without #2, #1 wouldn't make it....He talked about David and Jonathan. Jonathan was the king's son, but it was David's destiny to be on the throne.
He closed with this passage of scripture and I'm sure I read it, I just didn't have the revelation of it until now...
The trees set out one day to anoint a king for themselves.
They said to Olive Tree, "Rule over us."
But Olive Tree told them, "Am I no longer good for making oil
That gives glory to gods and men, and to be demoted to waving over trees?"
The trees then said to Fig Tree, "You come and rule over us."
But Fig Tree said to them, "Am I no longer good for making sweets,
My mouthwatering sweet fruits, and to be demoted to waving over trees?"
The trees then said to Vine, "You come and rule over us."
But Vine said to them, "Am I no longer good for making wine,
Wine that cheers gods and men, and to be demoted to waving over trees?"
All the trees then said to Tumbleweed, "You come and reign over us."
But Tumbleweed said to the trees: "If you're serious about making me your king,
Come and find shelter in my shade. But if not, let fire shoot from Tumbleweed
and burn down the cedars of Lebanon!" Judges 9:8-15
The Olive Tree, Fig Tree, and the Vine all knew their purpose....but the Tumbleweed.....The tumbleweed doesn't even have branches, how in the world can it rule over the other trees and provide shade? The tumbleweed wanted to be #1, but was unfit...
I'D RATHER BE A GOOD #2 THAN AN UNFIT #1!!
I was listening to the man of God teach in Bible study tonight and this is what he said, and it made a lot of sense, "I'd rather be a good #2 than a #1 who is unfit or a #1 who fails." He was talking about vision and how in life we have different assignments, but only one purpose. Our assignments have a due date--a deadline, but there is no expiration on our purpose. Our purpose can last and last and last....Take Jesus for instance, Jesus died on the cross a long, long, long time ago, but his purpose of dying was so that men would "not perish, but have every lasting life." He also talked about King David and how he had an assignment to kill Goliath, but his purpose was to be king and David was one of the greatest kings.
I then thought out modern day....Martin Luther King....his assignment was the march on Washington, but his purpose is still alive today--civil rights for all--black, white, purple, red, etc.
So, even after a person dies, their purpose still lives on.....THAT'S POWERFUL!!!
He then began to speak about knowing your place. Many people want to be #1--up front, on stage with their name in the lights, but everyone was not meant to be #1. Number 2 is just as good as #1 because without #2, #1 wouldn't make it....He talked about David and Jonathan. Jonathan was the king's son, but it was David's destiny to be on the throne.
He closed with this passage of scripture and I'm sure I read it, I just didn't have the revelation of it until now...
The trees set out one day to anoint a king for themselves.
They said to Olive Tree, "Rule over us."
But Olive Tree told them, "Am I no longer good for making oil
That gives glory to gods and men, and to be demoted to waving over trees?"
The trees then said to Fig Tree, "You come and rule over us."
But Fig Tree said to them, "Am I no longer good for making sweets,
My mouthwatering sweet fruits, and to be demoted to waving over trees?"
The trees then said to Vine, "You come and rule over us."
But Vine said to them, "Am I no longer good for making wine,
Wine that cheers gods and men, and to be demoted to waving over trees?"
All the trees then said to Tumbleweed, "You come and reign over us."
But Tumbleweed said to the trees: "If you're serious about making me your king,
Come and find shelter in my shade. But if not, let fire shoot from Tumbleweed
and burn down the cedars of Lebanon!" Judges 9:8-15
The Olive Tree, Fig Tree, and the Vine all knew their purpose....but the Tumbleweed.....The tumbleweed doesn't even have branches, how in the world can it rule over the other trees and provide shade? The tumbleweed wanted to be #1, but was unfit...
I'D RATHER BE A GOOD #2 THAN AN UNFIT #1!!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
The Journey Up: Integrity
So, as I've been learning about character and integrity, I was still not sure that I had the full understanding until my pastor taught about it again. Basically, saying what you mean, doing what you say and meaning what you say.....
Integrity is being honest!!
Basically, If I say I'm going to do something, do it. For example, I told my sister that I was gonna be home for the 4th of July. I didn't go. Basically, I kept saying that I was gonna go and the day before I checked the train schedule and found that there is no trains that would get me there and back in enough time to enjoy myself and go to work the next day. When my sis called me in the evening of the 3rd, I hadn't told her that I couldn't make it. I was embarrassed, I guess.....
So, the next day (the 4th) I just stayed at home. She called me that evening and I simply apologized. Of course my intentions were good, but I had no business telling her that I would be there without making sure the plans were good. I've done this several times, even at work when I found myself in a jam. Instead of being honest, I lied about it.
For example, I have to do several events at churches which is not easy for me because I don't know the churches in town, so finding a church to host events has been quite difficult. But, when asked I told my boss that I had several lined up. It wasn't true.....That is a lack of integrity. Integrity will cause a person to be honest all the time.
This has been happening and happening and I don't know how to change it. I don't want to lie....it's especially embarrassing when it all comes crashing down, like this week.
My body hurts because I've been trying to cover up for lies that I've told!! WOW!!! I have so much tension in my neck and shoulders. I have a nagging headache that won't go away. I've been in a perpetual pity party...I've been miserable!!!
God, I NEED INTEGRITY!!
Integrity is being honest!!
Basically, If I say I'm going to do something, do it. For example, I told my sister that I was gonna be home for the 4th of July. I didn't go. Basically, I kept saying that I was gonna go and the day before I checked the train schedule and found that there is no trains that would get me there and back in enough time to enjoy myself and go to work the next day. When my sis called me in the evening of the 3rd, I hadn't told her that I couldn't make it. I was embarrassed, I guess.....
So, the next day (the 4th) I just stayed at home. She called me that evening and I simply apologized. Of course my intentions were good, but I had no business telling her that I would be there without making sure the plans were good. I've done this several times, even at work when I found myself in a jam. Instead of being honest, I lied about it.
For example, I have to do several events at churches which is not easy for me because I don't know the churches in town, so finding a church to host events has been quite difficult. But, when asked I told my boss that I had several lined up. It wasn't true.....That is a lack of integrity. Integrity will cause a person to be honest all the time.
This has been happening and happening and I don't know how to change it. I don't want to lie....it's especially embarrassing when it all comes crashing down, like this week.
My body hurts because I've been trying to cover up for lies that I've told!! WOW!!! I have so much tension in my neck and shoulders. I have a nagging headache that won't go away. I've been in a perpetual pity party...I've been miserable!!!
God, I NEED INTEGRITY!!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Journey Up: Integrity
For a long time I didn't know what this word meant. I looked it up, but didnt' understand it. I'd often hear it associated with character, but I was still a little confused about that....
It wasn't until a couple of years ago when I got it...a light bulb came on. My Pastor was teaching he simply said, "Your talent will get you in the door, but your character will keep you there." I got it...basically, it doesn't matter how gifted or talented you are....what matters more are your morals, values, attitude, how you treat others.....So, I began associating this with integrity, but that still wasn't quite it. I know, I know...I'm educated....have a Master's degree, but I was never taught integrity or what it meant....
I've heard about it, but was never TAUGHT about it or HOW TO HAVE IT!!
to be continued....
It wasn't until a couple of years ago when I got it...a light bulb came on. My Pastor was teaching he simply said, "Your talent will get you in the door, but your character will keep you there." I got it...basically, it doesn't matter how gifted or talented you are....what matters more are your morals, values, attitude, how you treat others.....So, I began associating this with integrity, but that still wasn't quite it. I know, I know...I'm educated....have a Master's degree, but I was never taught integrity or what it meant....
I've heard about it, but was never TAUGHT about it or HOW TO HAVE IT!!
to be continued....
Monday, July 16, 2012
The Journey Up: Reflections
I turned 35 on May 5, 2012. It wasn't a big deal to me...not as big as 30. I didn't make any special plans, I just enjoyed the day.
I have a friend who turned 35 yesterday and to her it was a BIG DEAL. We went to dinner and had great conversation, but throughout it always came back to "being 35". WHAT??? I started feeling self-conscious because to me it wasn't that BIG. God blessed me to see another year!! That was BIG, but 35.....hmmmm.
So, I started reevaluating.....Not that I'm gonna make it a big deal about being 35, but just thinking about moving forward and onward with my life....
Spiritually, I've been on this rollarcoaster and I wish I could go back to 2008 and make some different decisions, but I can't...So, I have to deal with it and move forward. I've learned that in order to maintain my spiritual relationship with God, I can't be "friends" with a guy. I thought Coach and I would be friends and I would be able to help him because where he is, I used to be. I even told him that I couldn't handle "having relations" with him and he respected that. I just wasn't thinking. So, to avoid that, I'm avoiding close friendships with men. My heart was broken and it crushed my spirit and I went backwards...I started endulging in "old" stuff....old habits that had me bound. So, I understand the enemies devises now...that type of relationship, where I'm hanging out with a man at his house or spending a lot of time with him recreationally, will not work for me. I'm not strong enough for that. Also, I NEED TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE. I believe that God has blessed me to go through what I've gone through so that I can help somebody. I need to be a witness that God can bring you out. He's done it for me!!! By the grace of God, I'm living RENT FREE....God has blessed me so much!! I HAVE NOT LOST MY MIND!! I HAVE PEACE OF MIND, despite everything!!
Financially, I'm doing what I can to manage my money. I monitor what I spend and have not spent anything uneccessarily. I did pay for my friends dinner on yesterday and bought her a card and a cupcake, but other than that, all my money goes to bills, gas, groceries. Every cent that I have has been used properly. So, if I'm being financially responsible, that means, I need to have faith that God will help me to get out of debt.
Weight management has been a challenge. Until I get a handle on my thyroid, I will work HARD to manage my weight. I've noticed the only time I lose weight is when I fast. Well, I can't fast every day of my life. Yes, I do need to eat more on a schedule (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), but for the most part I'm doing what I can. So, I'm gonna make a goal...for 30 days I'm gonna be focused--prayer, meditation, fasting, reading the word of God, etc. I NEED GOD!!! and I can't do it in my flesh. It has to happen in the spirit--in my spirit.
So, I started reevaluating.....Not that I'm gonna make it a big deal about being 35, but just thinking about moving forward and onward with my life....
Spiritually, I've been on this rollarcoaster and I wish I could go back to 2008 and make some different decisions, but I can't...So, I have to deal with it and move forward. I've learned that in order to maintain my spiritual relationship with God, I can't be "friends" with a guy. I thought Coach and I would be friends and I would be able to help him because where he is, I used to be. I even told him that I couldn't handle "having relations" with him and he respected that. I just wasn't thinking. So, to avoid that, I'm avoiding close friendships with men. My heart was broken and it crushed my spirit and I went backwards...I started endulging in "old" stuff....old habits that had me bound. So, I understand the enemies devises now...that type of relationship, where I'm hanging out with a man at his house or spending a lot of time with him recreationally, will not work for me. I'm not strong enough for that. Also, I NEED TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE. I believe that God has blessed me to go through what I've gone through so that I can help somebody. I need to be a witness that God can bring you out. He's done it for me!!! By the grace of God, I'm living RENT FREE....God has blessed me so much!! I HAVE NOT LOST MY MIND!! I HAVE PEACE OF MIND, despite everything!!
Financially, I'm doing what I can to manage my money. I monitor what I spend and have not spent anything uneccessarily. I did pay for my friends dinner on yesterday and bought her a card and a cupcake, but other than that, all my money goes to bills, gas, groceries. Every cent that I have has been used properly. So, if I'm being financially responsible, that means, I need to have faith that God will help me to get out of debt.
Weight management has been a challenge. Until I get a handle on my thyroid, I will work HARD to manage my weight. I've noticed the only time I lose weight is when I fast. Well, I can't fast every day of my life. Yes, I do need to eat more on a schedule (breakfast, lunch, and dinner), but for the most part I'm doing what I can. So, I'm gonna make a goal...for 30 days I'm gonna be focused--prayer, meditation, fasting, reading the word of God, etc. I NEED GOD!!! and I can't do it in my flesh. It has to happen in the spirit--in my spirit.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Not one sad tear left in me
Relationships are mental....
That's why I haven't allowed myself to get so involved with a man in the last few years. This is also why I was so bothered with what went down between me and Coach. BTW, he did text me this morning...UGH!! Well, I've decided that it was a mistake but I'm not gonna let it get me down...I'm gonna get over it because I HAVE TO!!!
Friday, July 6, 2012
Try Sleeping in My Bed
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?...
Those are lyrics from Alicia Keys song, but that is where I am right now. My heart is broken. This is one of the reasons I didn't want to get involved with Coach or any other man for that matter. He hasn't called, text, sent smoke signals...nothing!! It's depressing and stressful to think that I thought he cared enough about me....WOW!!!
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Let's Be Adults
I have not been in a serious relationship since 2009 and even back then it wasn't serious. So Coach has been the only guy that I've dated (had sex with) since then. (Not counting meeting Robert). Well, when I "gave in" the other day, I became concerned. I mean, he's the only guy that I've been intimate with, but I'm sure I'm not the only girl that he's been intimate with. Especially since I've seen another woman at his house. So, I was a little bothered when he wouldn't answer my question. I simply asked, "When was the last time you had sex with someone other than me?" He didn't respond. Maybe it was because I text him...but I thought it was an important questions. I mean, we didn't use any protection. So, I want to make sure that we are being safe and responsible. So, why didn't he respond? What it the way I asked or how I asked? If I can allow him to see me naked, why can't I be adult enough to have a mature conversation about sex? I sent him the text on yesterday around 7pm....Let's see how long it takes for him to communicate with me....Hmmmmmm.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I Gave In....UGH!!!!
I've had plenty to write about....just not sure HOW to write about what's been going on. When I used to get like this "Mister" used to to me, "Just say it." So here goes....
I'm in debt up to my eyeballs!! Yep, the US Department of Education sent me a bill for $53,964.26. I have a medical bill that is in collections and the collection company has sent me a bill for $433.50. I have a dentist bill for $50 (I didn't even get to go to the dentist) and a doctor bill for $198.00. I have a phone/internet bill for about $70 and my car payment and insurance is due to the tune of $220 (car) and $153 (insurance).
AND I DON"T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY ANY OF THIS!!
I'm working fulltime and I still don't have enough money to pay my bills. The dept of ed said that I need to send them a check for the full amount within 30 days or my loan will go into default. *Sigh*
On top of all of that....
I slept with Coach....Yep...I gave in. It was temporary insanity, my body got the best of me, all sense of reason flew out the window. And, i've sent him a text and he hasn't responded. Now, I'm really bothered. And there is no sense in being mad at him, I was the one who chose to allow that to happen. I could have left and gone home when he was asleep, but I didn't. I wanted to "be close to him." I wanted that affection and contact and touch of a man...a strong man. And yes, he is strong. He picked me up (all 192lbs of me). That excited me.
So, now I'm sitting here craving him. I want him to want me...GGGGRRRRRR!!!!!
But, I know that we can't be together...we WON'T be together. We don't even like each other like that. Plus, I think he's still involved with his baby momma.
And I have no one to talk to about it. Sometimes I just want a friend to talk to...to confide in....just to talk. To vent...to get it off my chest...to confess somethings to, but I don't have that "TYPE" of friend. Yes, I have friends that I hang out with everynow and then, but I don't have intimate relationships with them. Mere was the last friend I had like that, but she's married now and for some reason we don't "hang" out anymore. *SIGH*
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