Even Though I FEEL This Type of Way Don't Mean I AM This Type of Way

My identity is NOT my feelings. So even though I FEEL a certain way I have to separate that from who I AM. This is important because for a long time I had feelings that were contrary to the word of God....

I struggled and struggled and struggled with my sexuality. I loved sex. I was abused as a child and it caused me to be hypersexual and promiscuous and the devil used that as condemnation. I felt so bad about myself because I didn't know how to deal with my body. I didn't know how to deal with sin in my body. I didn't know what to do with the feelings that I had. So I just lived in shame and condemnation. It plagued me and I tried and tried and tried to be good, but I couldn't. It was only recently when I listened to Joyce Meyer explain grace. She said, if there is no sin, there is no guilt. I can't be sentenced (punished) for something that is no there. 

Yes, we all sin, but we ask God for forgiveness and we work on repenting and not doing it again. Then God throws whatever we did away and he forgets it. There is no sin as God is concerned, so there is no guilt and shame for that. That doesn't give us the license to do things on purpose and deliberately do things just so that God can forgive us, but it helps us to understand God's love for us and how much He wants to help us live this life. 

Well, the only saints used to say, "I'm waiting on my change to come," and God has done it again. He has brought me out more because now I've learned that when I have sinful feelings and sinful lust and sinful thoughts, I DON'T have to to bow to that because that's not who I am. I am the righteousness of God. I am redeemed by the blood of the lamb. Just because I'm tempted, just because a thought comes to my mind, that doesn't define me. Those temptations aren't my name. Redeemed is my name. So that's why God has given me and I can fully use the power to CAST DOWN imaginations--thoughts temptations and thoughts that are coming to my mind. I can cast the devil out because that's now who I am

Thank you Jesus!!!

Idolatry of Marriage

I was listening to Jackie Hill Perry talk to KevOnStage and she made the comment about, "the idolatry of marriage," and it stuck out to me because I am a single woman and I desire to be married. Marriage has been on my mind for quite some time (years) and despite the fact that I wasn't that "I wanna go to college to find a husband," type girl, it does preoccupy my mind a lot. 

Right before getting out of bed this morning I started to fantasize about meeting a guy and not wanting to indulge in a relationship with him. This was a guy of my dreams, "saved, love Jesus, priorities in order, etc", but because I was whole within myself (not wanting or needing anything) I wasn't too concerned about him. Of course this was as short lived fantasy because I needed to get out of bed, but it's like I want to be in that position where I don't NEED marriage. The divorce rate is pretty high and sometimes even higher in the church so that lets me know two things--either you married the wrong person for the wrong reason or you married the right person, but because the devil hates commitment, hates the sanctity of love and marriage, you allowed him to enter in and overtake what God has put together. I don't want to be in either of those camps. I don't want to get married because I want to have sex, I don't want to get married because I need a second income or because I'm lonely. I want to get married because it's what God wants for me and I can be an asset to someone. Marriage is already a responsibility and when there is an imbalance in the relationship, there is an added burden that one has to bear and life is already a challenge, why add more to that? 

We Don't Think in Words

This morning before waking I was dream/fantasizing about sex with Mister. I wasn't quite sleep, but I wasn't quite awake either....

Whenever this happens I wake up feeling, not guilty, not quite bad, but some kind of way because I don't want to have sinful imaginations, but I'm sleeping and am not always in control....but I don't want to deal with these spirits. OMG!!

So as my Pastor was teaching this morning she said, "We don't think in words, we think in pictures." She referenced the scripture, "We can demolish every deceptive fantasy that opposes God and break through every arrogant attitude that is raised up in defiance of the true knowledge of God, We capture, like prisoners of war, every through and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One." 2 Corinthians 10:5 TPT.

She was telling us that we have the authority to cast down what the enemy brings to us. We have to take authority over all of those images, fantasies, that are against God. 

She was telling us that we have to dismantle everything that the enemy is trying to use against us, "Break down their alters, smash their sacred stones and burn their Asherah poles in the fire; cut down the idols of their gods and wipe out their names from those places." Deuteronomy 12:3.

The she encourages us to remind of that Jesus already defeated the enemy and He gave us that power too, "And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." Colossians 2:15 

So I thank God for the word of God and for His power and freedom!!

Chest Pain & MS

I do not like scary dreams.....

On Monday night I was awakened at around 4am because I had a scary dream about my uncle. I was downstairs of his house and my aunt was in the bedroom right off the stairs. I was watching him walk down the stairs and telling him to be careful when all of a sudden he tumbled down. Not slide down on his butt, but head over feet almost like a cartwell type of tumble. He land in a seated position at the bottom of the stairs. I rushed over to him and he seemed to be okay, a little stunned, when all of a sudden he gripped his chest and I woke up in a panic. My anxiety level was so high. I tried to calm myself and go back to sleep, but this spirit of fear was tormenting me so I googled Tony Evans sermon Juanita Bynum sermon on fear. Juanita Bynum really helped me. She said that we have to counteract the spirit of the devil with the spirit of the Lord. I have to go back and rewatch it because I was really digging what she was saying.  

I was so tired on Tuesday and I went to sleep a little earlier and last night I had a dream that my sister had MS-multiple sclerosis. She's waiting on results from a biopsy from two masses in her breast. I really think they are benign. We haven't had breast cancer in our family. 

But, both of those dreams are very troubling. When I talked to my uncle on the phone on Tuesday he told me that had to go to the ER on Sunday because he was having chest pains.  

God, what are you saying? This is so stressful. 

I really believe the dreams are my anxiety and the spirit of fear tormenting me.  

Estrogen Dominance

I'm just wondering.....I have high estrogen/estrogen dominance. In the past my dr gave me compounded progesterone to help lower it, but it's expensive and the pharmacy that I get it from close a few years ago. So I haven't been able to use it. So my estrogen became high again. Could excess estrogen be the reason for my blood clots? I had a pulmonary embolism 20 days postpartum. This was in 2004. I was treated with warfarin for 7 months. I had a DVT last year and my estrogen levels really high. I was tested for Lupus Anticoagulant and it came back positive, but I was taking Xarelto during the test which means that I could have had a false positive....I'm just thinking out loud and wondering.... 

Don't Take Me To The Little Room

I'm sitting in a hospital waiting room right now at BJC. My uncle had to have surgery--the gastric sleeve. He's been battling his weight all of his life. The only time he has been able to lose weight was when he went to military school.  So after years succumbing to an eating disorder and then adding alcoholism onto to that, he's not in good shape health wise. His weight ballooned to about 600lbs. A few years ago he wanted to have the gastric bypass surgery and they told him that he needed to lose 100lbs. Well, he didn't lose it. I don't know what was going on in his life at that time, but his drinking increased and instead of losing the weight, he gained even more. In 2019 he called to ask me if he could come live with me. At that time I was a little hesitant because I was still in remodel mode and the only sleeping area in my house was the family room which I was sleeping in. So there was going to have to be some changes to my living arrangements. I wasn't too keen on him coming, but he's family and he was in need and when I've been in need I've had people help me and I wanted to see my uncle healthy so I was gonna make the changes. But, things didn't go as planned. He ended up falling and the fire department had to be called to get him up. It was so humiliating. Then he became homebound. He wasn't able to walk like he used to. He needed homecare to help him.

In December he asked me if I could transport him to his doctors appointment and the dr told him that if he lost 100lbs in 3 months he'd do the surgery. This was December 2019 and my uncle was 586lbs. In January he was about 602. He was gonna come live with me February 1 so that he could get a handle on his eating habits, but then his sister got sick. But despite that something clicked and he lost about 80lbs by March 13. The doctor scheduled the surgery for April 23.

Then.....

Covid-19

The pandemic put a stop to life as we know it.

This dampened his spirit. This and the fact that his sister was put on hospice and on March 26 she lost her battle with heart disease. He was slipping back into his old ways and I was doing what I could to encourage him. I understand the struggle. I don't have an eating disorder, but I fighting off strongholds in my sexual character. The struggle is real!! But God is BIGGER than the struggle. And I've been trying to convey that to him. The word of God has been freeing me from the torments of hell and it can free anyone, but it takes consistent work. Jesus died for our sins and if we confess and believe in Him we are saved and have our place in eternity with him, but living the kingdom life here on earth is a whole different thing. Salvation is one thing. Sanctification is a whole other ball game. Salvation is free. Sanctification requires sacrifice. The flesh must be crucified and the crazy thing is that we live in our flesh. So we have to discipline it daily and sometimes minute by minute, until God gives us the strength to no have the ungodly desires.

Anyway, I've been trying to help him understand this and sometimes I think that he thinks he has to have the power to do it himself. But we can't live this life in our own strength. God is a jealous God. We have to depend on Him, but we want to be independent and our pride gets involved and we want to work really really hard to do it ourselves. 

So April 23 came and went and he was getting discouraged. The day after his sister's burial, April 9, he got some blood work results back and his potassium was high. He was nervous and called me. We talked and he felt better. They did the test again and it was better. But then he started retaining fluid. This concerned him and then he ended up in the hospital. 

Kidney disease....stage 3.

Heartbreaking.....

We didn't know what that meant for his surgery, where the kidney disease came from? He was scared. They mentioned cancer and some other causes. We both were concerned.

He got out of the hospital and had to have more test run to determine the cause and as we waited his doctor schedule his surgery for June 4. So I'm here today because he had his surgery.

I wasn't able to sleep all last night. I think I might have fallen asleep after 1am and had to be up at 5:30am to get on the highway to come to the hospital. I beat the ambulance to the hospital and they wheeled him back to surgery around 9:45am. He told me that his surgery would be about 2.5 hours long. But before surgery he had to have his blood taken again to test his potassium because it had been too high. They gave me a pager that tells me updates and I can watch the screen to get updates also. I saw on the screen that he was in pre op so I thought everything we going smoothly. Then it said, surgery in progress. So I started the countdown. He should be out by noon, 1pm at the latest. One oclock came and went. Then I got a message on the pager that said surgery started. WHAT? I went to the front desk and they explained to me that "surgery in progress" means that he's been transported to the operating room. But sometimes it takes about an hour before they start the surgery. The "surgery has started" message was to tell me when they started the first cut. Ok. so now I'm looking at 3-4pm as the end time. 

Around 3:15pm the message on the screen said, "close." Then the front desk sent me a message to come talk to them. The staff person said he was taking me to "consult." 

I got nervous....

I had just seen a doctor in the lobby come out to talk to a woman about her husband's progress. He was having some type of surgery done to his privates. The dr mentioned his scrotum. So when the person took me back to the little room, my anxiety skyrocketed. I couldn't breathe. I had to take my mask off because my heart was racing. I was pacing in the little room and when the doctor came in I told him I didn't like the little room. He eased my mind by telling me that they are almost done. The reason they took me to the little room was because there were some minor complications. 

They had a hard time getting the breathing tube in, but once it was in the sleeve part went fine. The dr said his liver was huge, but he had no problem moving it out of the way to get to the stomach. Midway through the sleeve process the breathing tube was coming out so they had to stop. When I talked to my aunt who was a respiratory therapist she said she's never heard of that problem before. She said that maybe they didn't put it in right and that may have been because of his weight. But he made it through and now he's in recovery.

I'll be getting back on the highway soon because I can't see him due to COVID-19. I hope he's able to talk tomorrow because I want to talk to him....

I Feel Good Today

Despite the turmoil that we are in today, I feel good! I mean I kinda want to get back in the bed and close my eyes, but I'm not tired like I had been feeling. But, I gained 2lbs. WHAT????

I've been staying at home since March 20 and I haven't gained anything, but the minute I stop taking my meds I gain weight. I only stopped because I ran out and I don't want to spend the money to see the doctor for a refill. I'm not sure if I need a dr visit to get a refill, but I needed to do something, so I took my old medicine two days ago and I felt like crap. Last night I took it before going to bed.

Background...last year was rough, I gained 25lbs and the scale kept creeping up. In addition to my emotional roller coaster I was feeling like crap. Some days I could hardly get out of bed. I found an online nurse who specializes in thyroid and she encouraged me to have more test run and I found out that in addition to my thyroid and cortisol being low, my iron levels were extremely low. My doctor told me to eat more red meat. My ferritin levels were 16. The range was 15-252. HUH??? And all my dr had to say was eat more read meat. WOW. So I contacted another dr because I needed help. Stat!! I contacted Dr Christianson's office. The dr I met with ordered a round of iron infusions. I wanted to have them done before the year was out, but the pharmacy had to put the concoction together, so my first found was in January. I can't say that I felt 100% better, but with the new meds-Nature Throid and the iron I did feel better. My thyroid levels still weren't optimal so my dr upped the dosage and ordered a 90 day supply. I just ran out in mid-May so I went back to my old meds.  Bad move because I felt like crap. The problem, I think is with my cortisol levels. They are so low. My cortisol levels in the morning are 8 and the range is 13-24. My afternoon cortisol is 5 and the range is 5-10 so I'm still on the low end for the afternoon. In the evening my level is 7 with a range of 3-8 so that is on the high end and at night the level is 4 with a range of 1-4. So when I take levo in the morning with such low cortisol levels I feel like crap. I need to get it together so that I can feel better. But I read somewhere that someone was taking their thyroid hormones at night so I decided to try it. I'm supposed to start back working June 19 and for a while after I stopped taking my meds I didn't have the energy to do much. I was supposed to put a shed in the back yard, plant a garden, build a doorway for the bedroom that had to be taken down to put up the bathroom door...whew... I'm so far behind in my household duties.....