Don't Abandon Your Process

Success is not a cake walk....nothing is EVER going to just be given to you! But, there is a process to success and sometimes it gets difficult and the challenges make me wanna die in our process, but the process is NEVER meant to kill you.

So, I have to submit and just allow God to do what it is He wants to do because if I don't, death is just knocking. And I'm not going to give up so fast. I CAN'T abort my purpose by not submitting to a life in Christ.

And in my heart, I love God, I just gotta get my body and this life moving in the right direction. I've made the decision that my relationship with Mister is dead and dead stuff stinks and it starts to kill live stuff if it isn't cut off. After this past weekend, I was so disgusted in being with him. Not disgusted in him, but his drinking. It reminded me so much of my dad who is now suffering for a life of drinking, doing drugs, smoking, and eating horribly. And I told him this and he got offended. I should not have told him this.

I'm So Done

Yes, I'm done with Mister....

I've Been Preapproved, But I'm Not Buying A House

Here is the story....

My credit score is 637, but my personal bank would not approve me because they wanted me score to be 640. I've been trying for a year to get my score up and it hasn't budged. Basically, I don't have any debt besides my student loan and my monthly payments are not enough to raise it significantly. So I applied for a loan though a different channel--The Lender's Network. From there Quicken Loans called me and Nations Lending Corporation called me. I completed the application, turned in all my stuff and I was approved. However, I ignored the fine print. Both companies approved me for $75,000, but they will not allow me to purchase below that amount.

What????

Yep, because these companies are not banks, they won't make money on a loan that is below $75,000. I explained to the supervisor that the house that I want is $44,000 and it will be my first home so I don't want to make a huge purchase. She sympathized with me and explained to me how I could raise my credit.

Basically, if I get a secured credit card, make a purchase less than 30% of the maximum limit, pay that balance and then keep a $10 balance, my score would raise.

OMG

I have to go into debt to get into debt.

Dag.

I DON'T WANT A CREDIT CARD!!  UGH!!

So, I've been praying and praying. I really want to purchase a home, but maybe this isn't the correct time.

The Waiting Game

I wanted to buy a house last year, but I was denied by the bank. My credit score was 636 and the bank wanted it to be 640. So, the banker told me that she would check in 6 months. Six months past and my score hadn't moved. Nope, not one point. So I kept checking and checking and at one point my score went down 10 points because one of the closed accounts dropped off my report. So the house that I've wanted has been elusive. I've been bearing it living in my apartment and I actually love my apartment, but I'm tired of apartment living. I have to listen to my upstairs neighbors have sex--not very often, but they do it and it's crazy cause I don't hear any sounds just the bed squeaking with the floor. Weird.

Well, I troll (not troll as in harass people) the internet often and I came across a website that had legitimate banks that lend to people with less than 640 credit score. I applied and Quicken Loans called me and Nations Lending Corporation called me. So far, Quicken has pre-approved me with only my last month's pay stubs. Nation's Lending was more thorough. I've had to turn in the previous two year's tax returns, bank statements, w-2s, and verification of employment.

I turned in all my stuff and we are now waiting on my verification of employment.

The waiting game....

I've heard before that you don't have to pray to God for patience because life, itself, will make you wait.

A wait I am doing. I actually got an email from my boss saying that she sent back my verification. And I got an email from the advisor saying that he is waiting on it.

So, we all wait......

I've been looking for homes and it is stressful. I told God I don't wanna look and look and look. I just wanna find one home and that be it.

I'm like that when I'm shopping. Not clothes shopping, but shopping for household stuff--laundry detergent, bathroom tissue. There are too many choices and I hate tolling over which choice to make. Do we really need 10 different brands of bathroom tissue to choose from at 20 different price points?

WHAT????

I want the best bang for my buck so it causes me to sit and study my options and that is stressful. I hate it.

I feel that same way about a house. I want to find one in the right price range and that be it. I don't want to look and look and look....

I believe I've found it.

It's in a nice neighborhood, on a dead end street. It's small, has a small yard, and the price is perfect--$44,000. Not too expensive for my first time buying a home. Also, it has a garage and a basement. And I think the basement has so much potential. I haven't gone to see it yet, just been stalking it (driving by) and looking at the pics online. I hope it looks just as good in person as it does from what I see online....

But I'm not going to make an appointment until I get the preapproval.

Until then.....we wait.

When I Get My Passion Back

I was thinking the other day about my purpose in life. And I was thinking about my life and the struggles that I've gone through, even as a child and how I went through those things not just because, but because God is going to use me to help struggling women--they need to see that there is a God who loves them enough that He can heal ANYTHING. All the mental hurts and pains from abuse and misuse.

And I was thinking about this and how happy I would be to be able to help people like that. I remembered a dream I had a while ago and there was this spirit creeping up my body and it was on top of my while I was laying on the sofa. I remembering being grossed out and wanting to cry. The spirit was perverse. And I was telling God that I would help. I would help those who are bound by the spirit that is trying to keep them under bondage.

As I was thinking all of this, my vision was becoming clearer. Yes, God. I will help the women. A few days later I got a call from my spiritual mom. She said, I was in her heart and she had been praying for me. She encouraged me and told me that I would get my passion back when I start operating in my purpose. And that's what I want to do. I have to take it day by day and operate in the will of God. Day by day.....

Cousin's Day and the Rest of this Year

I made it up in my mind to move on. I've failed many times....

1. I feel like my career as an educator was a failure because I had high hopes and nothing was successful.
2. I feel like I failed with the non profit because nothing was/is successful.
3. I feel like I failed in my relationships because I think I should be married now, but my connections to Mister has hindered me.
4. I feel like I've failed spiritually because I KNOW God anointed me, but I was slothful and disobedient.
5. I feel like I've failed in my family because I'm supposed to be leading them....
6. I feel like I've failed in my finances because I'm still very much in debt.
7. I feel like I've failed in my health because I am overweight.

Now I'm here and I MUST move on.

There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about my failures. NOTHING.

So, I'm choosing to move on. I have repented and God has forgiven me so I'm moving on with my life. I have to motivation to move on. We've been learning about the fruit of the spirit and the thing that struck me the most is that when the fruit grows in my life, there won't be any failure. As as a matter of fact, there were failures in the past, but from now, there won't be failures....there will just be stepping stones and lessons learned. So, I need to help these fruit grow:

1. Love--I have to keep my heart pure, but it's a lot going on in the world and love can be challenge. But I'm going to guard my heart.
2. Joy--Joy can be difficult in trials, but this is where my strength comes from. The joy of the Lord is my strength.
3. Peace--Peace of mind is key to all of this. I can't let the cares of life overwhelm me. Let the peace of God rule in my heart.
4. Longsuffering--Patience. I feel like I've been patient through a lot, but I have been complaining, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.
5. Gentleness--Sometimes I can be harsh with my words and attitude. I need to watch that. 
6. Faith--Prayer is the key; faith unlocks the door, as the old song says. I can't please God without it. 7. Kindness--Sometimes I' m not so kind to others. I go throughout my day in my own world, thinking of no one else.
8. Meekness--I got smacked in the face with a HUGE humble pie this year. Not just a slice, the whole pie and it was good for me.
9. Self-Control--This is a big one for me. I need self-control in eating, exercising, and my bodily urges.

So there are 9 fruit that need to grow in my life. The other day Mister text me and invited me to Cousin's Day. Dag was I tempted. Thank God I have to work, but I'm not going to lie, I was trying to figure out how to get there. Despite the fact that I KNOW that would be to my detriment. That was my self-control NOT working. And the communication triggered something in me that I need to work on.

And I'm going to work on it by the grace of God. All of this is by the grace of God. And the Holy Spirit will work all of this through me.