I was a little sad a couple days ago, but instead of blog about my dire situation I simply declared that I would have a GREAT Christmas and God is good because I had just that--this was the best Christmas I've had in years.
Initially I thought I was going to be broke. I had about $50 in the bank and my plan was to go out of town to see my sis in Ohio, but that wasn't enough money to do that so I was content to be at home--alone.
Imagine my surprise when I went to work on Tuesday morning and I went to the bank to deposit my petty cash check and there was over $2000 in the bank.
WE GOT PAID EARLY!!
Instead of getting paid on the 26th, we got paid on the 23rd.
I called my brother and my plan was to go home to see my mom and clean her house for Christmas, but he brought up Ohio, so that was the plan. I booked and train ticket, finished work and off I went.
I love taking the train--its cheap, roomy and I can sit and relax. Whenever I take the train home I usually take the metro link to my mom's and they pick me up from there. This time was no different. I got off the train, headed for the metro link which is right outside the train station and I proceeded to buy my ticked. I pushed the button and nothing.
There was a group of boys hanging out by the ticket machines. One called over to me, "Hey, I got a ticket for $2." That was .50 less than buying one from the machine. "Is it validated?" I asked as he was walking towards me. He showed me the ticket which as not a ticket at all--it was a transfer that can be used as a ticket. I looked at it and he was pointing out that I could use it all day. Then I looked at the date IN RED LETTERS, "December 11, 2014."
I looked at him and said, "It says December 11. Today is NOT the 11th." He just looked at me. I asked him if he needed $2 because he was trying to hustle me. He say he did. I told him I'd give him $2 and I did.
I left him and walked past security. I have no idea what they were securing, but after that I started praying. I comtemplated telling them, but I didn't want any of the boys to follow me onto the train, so I didnt' say anything.
I made it home and stayed the night at my moms and headed to Ohio on Christmas Eve where we stopped in Indy to have a late dinner with Mister.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
What the What?
I had a dream that I needed to get some copies of a form that a friend of mine was using at her job. We will call the place The Tradition Center. This is a place that serves individuals with mental health and substance abuse issues. And the instead of me recreating a form, I just wanted to use one that they already created. I called me friend, who used to work there, and she said for me to just go pick it up--that Larry would have it ready for me. When I got there, I needed to make copies and for some reason when I made copies, I copied an entire packet of blank forms, but I only needed one. So I was getting ready to leave with all these forms when other staff came in and I decided that I needed this one form to be sent to me on my email that way it would be easier to recreate on my own and the person got me a computer and I emailed myself the form--so I thought. After emailing it one of the staff person got an email and she opened it and it was me emailing from Larry, not to myself, but to the entire staff body. And I didn't email just one form, but an entire case file of one of his clients.
WHAT????
The other staff person said that the email was tricky. You had to click a button before you sent anything to uncheck the "send to all" button, but I didn't know that because this was some new type of email.
OMG!!
So, I kept asking if I could "undo" like in gmail.
NOPE!!
So were were scrambling trying to figure out what to do and one by one, people started opening the email that contained this confidential file. The bad part was that I emailed it from Larry, so it looked like Larry emailed the entire staff a confidential file and Larry had no clue. I tried to retract it by sending another file to everyone saying to delete it, but no luck. And the staff people weren't trying to help me. I was going to get my friend in trouble because she was the one who told me to get the form from Larry.
Then I woke up.
Now, the problem with this dream is that my friend doesn't work at this place anymore and Larry is dead. Yep, dead as a door knob. He retired and then died of a heart attack. Poor Larry (not his real name).
It was a strange dream.
Then I went back to sleep and I had a dream where I was with a group of young people and I was teaching them how to pray by listening to other people pray. I had them in a group and I was telling them to listen to a cd of praying while they prayed and as more and more youth came in, I would give them the cd and some had mp3 players, so I would download it onto the mp3 so they could pray with the cd. Then the room got really crowded and I because they were youth, they kept coming and going and I was telling them that if they needed to use the restroom they could sign to me (using ASL) the sign for restroom and I would give them permission since they needed to stop walking during pray. Then the room got so crowded that I was questioning if we should spread out to the hallways. Then I woke up.
WHAT????
The other staff person said that the email was tricky. You had to click a button before you sent anything to uncheck the "send to all" button, but I didn't know that because this was some new type of email.
OMG!!
So, I kept asking if I could "undo" like in gmail.
NOPE!!
So were were scrambling trying to figure out what to do and one by one, people started opening the email that contained this confidential file. The bad part was that I emailed it from Larry, so it looked like Larry emailed the entire staff a confidential file and Larry had no clue. I tried to retract it by sending another file to everyone saying to delete it, but no luck. And the staff people weren't trying to help me. I was going to get my friend in trouble because she was the one who told me to get the form from Larry.
Then I woke up.
Now, the problem with this dream is that my friend doesn't work at this place anymore and Larry is dead. Yep, dead as a door knob. He retired and then died of a heart attack. Poor Larry (not his real name).
It was a strange dream.
Then I went back to sleep and I had a dream where I was with a group of young people and I was teaching them how to pray by listening to other people pray. I had them in a group and I was telling them to listen to a cd of praying while they prayed and as more and more youth came in, I would give them the cd and some had mp3 players, so I would download it onto the mp3 so they could pray with the cd. Then the room got really crowded and I because they were youth, they kept coming and going and I was telling them that if they needed to use the restroom they could sign to me (using ASL) the sign for restroom and I would give them permission since they needed to stop walking during pray. Then the room got so crowded that I was questioning if we should spread out to the hallways. Then I woke up.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Finish Strong
This year was a rollar coaster ride and it's almost over. But, I've got to FINISH STRONG.
I was a little bummed about not meeting someone special this year. It took me a minute to get over, but now I'm questioning God.
A couple months ago I met Carwash guy. It was late September. He was REALLY cute and for a few days I was just messed up thinking about him. and I hate that because I should not be desperate for a man. I DON'T want to be desperate for a man. So I never went back to see him. But today, I came home from work and as my partner was taking me home we saw lights in the sky--kind of like seach lights that they use at clubs. So we decided to find out what was going on and we drove to where the lights were and it was an advertisement for the new Cricket wireless store in town. Bummer. LOL. But, as we were leaving the parking lot I spotted a pink tent just like the one Carwash Guy had and I told my partner I was going to come back and surely I did, but the tent was gone. Dang it. But then as I was getting gas I noticed a truck with the tent in the back and it was my guy, but it was some other guy and he told the gas station attendant that he would be back tomorrow.
So now I'm a little bothered because I see the tent and it reminds me of Carwash guy I want to try to see if I can find him. Dang, but is this the right thing to do?
I don't want to finish this year in a bad state. I gotta finish strong because that's how I will start next year. God help me, please!!!
I was a little bummed about not meeting someone special this year. It took me a minute to get over, but now I'm questioning God.
A couple months ago I met Carwash guy. It was late September. He was REALLY cute and for a few days I was just messed up thinking about him. and I hate that because I should not be desperate for a man. I DON'T want to be desperate for a man. So I never went back to see him. But today, I came home from work and as my partner was taking me home we saw lights in the sky--kind of like seach lights that they use at clubs. So we decided to find out what was going on and we drove to where the lights were and it was an advertisement for the new Cricket wireless store in town. Bummer. LOL. But, as we were leaving the parking lot I spotted a pink tent just like the one Carwash Guy had and I told my partner I was going to come back and surely I did, but the tent was gone. Dang it. But then as I was getting gas I noticed a truck with the tent in the back and it was my guy, but it was some other guy and he told the gas station attendant that he would be back tomorrow.
So now I'm a little bothered because I see the tent and it reminds me of Carwash guy I want to try to see if I can find him. Dang, but is this the right thing to do?
I don't want to finish this year in a bad state. I gotta finish strong because that's how I will start next year. God help me, please!!!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Where Do I See Myself This Time Next Year
I need to make my goals for the next year and I've been praying because the only thing I REALLY want to do is THE WILL OF GOD!!
So my goals are:
1. Pray more
I need to pray 3 times a day--morning, noon (or around noon) and night
2. Study my Bible more
I need to study my Bible at least once per day
3. Become more personable
I need to speak to people more and be more loving
4. Operate out of humility
Always be mindful of pride and how it tried to creep into my heart
5. Get out of debt
Pay $1000 on my student loan each month
So my goals are:
1. Pray more
I need to pray 3 times a day--morning, noon (or around noon) and night
2. Study my Bible more
I need to study my Bible at least once per day
3. Become more personable
I need to speak to people more and be more loving
4. Operate out of humility
Always be mindful of pride and how it tried to creep into my heart
5. Get out of debt
Pay $1000 on my student loan each month
Always Something Going On
Everytime I see Coach, I should know....THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON. I'm looking at the track record that we have. Every time we've seen each other, if I do a little digging, I find out that there is something going on.
I ran into him a few weeks ago and I was a little bothered, but grateful, that we spoke briefy and that was it. I was bothered because I was at Best Buy and I had just sprayed my dandruff riddled scalp with a tea tree oil spray. What you should know about tea tree oil is that it smells--not so good. It has this medicinal smell to it that I don't like, but I NEEDED to spray it on my scalp and I went to the store. Sure enough when he saw me he tried to talk to me and then came over. I think the smell of the tea tree oil turned him off which I am grateful for because I DID NOT want to be bothered.
Well, I just checked him out online and sure enough there was a divorce petition.
WHAT?????!!!!!
When did this happen?
The last time we was together it was summer 2014. I know it's been two years, but dag--married and divorced in two years. Dang.
I ran into him a few weeks ago and I was a little bothered, but grateful, that we spoke briefy and that was it. I was bothered because I was at Best Buy and I had just sprayed my dandruff riddled scalp with a tea tree oil spray. What you should know about tea tree oil is that it smells--not so good. It has this medicinal smell to it that I don't like, but I NEEDED to spray it on my scalp and I went to the store. Sure enough when he saw me he tried to talk to me and then came over. I think the smell of the tea tree oil turned him off which I am grateful for because I DID NOT want to be bothered.
Well, I just checked him out online and sure enough there was a divorce petition.
WHAT?????!!!!!
When did this happen?
The last time we was together it was summer 2014. I know it's been two years, but dag--married and divorced in two years. Dang.
Friday, December 12, 2014
His Name Should Be David
Usually when I dream, it means something. God usually is telling me something. Like in March when I had the dream about my cousin's baby.
Last night I had a dream that my sister, T, was holding a baby. It was a brown baby boy. And I believe it was her baby because she had gained weight. He was naked and she was just holding on to him. It was a beautiful scene. If this is God's way of showing me that my sister is going to have a baby (the doctors said she couldn't have children), then she should name him David because he's a warrior--he had a fight to get here.
If she is going to have a baby, I'll show her this post so that she can believe God.
Sometimes I have dreams because I've been watching stuff on TV. Like I was dreaming that someone was in my room and it was just because I had watched Castle before I went to bed.
The other day I had a dream and it was kind of funny, I was working at a gas station and an old friend from school walked in--D.S. And she looked at me like I was supposed to be working at the gas station and I didn't tell her that I had a fulltime, day job, and the gas station was just a parttime gig, but she kind of shook her head like I should've been a shamed to work there, but I wasn't because I knew the real deal.
That has actually happened to me in real life--I worked at a gas station during the summer one time, because I was a teacher and I needed to work over the summer, but in August I was going back to teaching, the gas station was just a summer job and people would come in and recognize me like I was supposed to work there. I didn't say anything because it was just a parttime gig....
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
21 Days
There are 21 days until the end of this year. WOW!!!
I can't believe the years are going by so fast. I'm not ready for next year. This year has been UP and DOWN.
I was homeless again--living in my car.
How did that happen? WOW!!!
Now I have my own place and I thank God for a roof over my head. I NEVER want to go through homelessness again. EVER!! It's not something that is fun. I have made no headway in my debt snowball. I mean I do pay my student loan, but the payments are interest only. So, I need to pay a big chunk of it off and I'm working on doing that, but I have to pay tuition. And I just signed up for a winter class that I need to take and that tuition is about $1200. So, I have to pay about $3200 for tuition.
Spiritually, I was UP and then DOWN and I hate that, but God is still good and HE LOVES ME and I LOVE HIM!!
I was thrown off when I thought this year was going to be the year for me to be married...God forgive me. I was also thrown off when I met car wash man. I actually didn't meet him, but he was flirting with me (I think) and it got into my spirit and I allowed that to cause me to sin.
But, I'm making it through. Thank God and next year will be BETTER. Actually, these last 21 days will be BETTER!! And I thank God for my strength!!
I've been fasting a little because I need it. And starting Jan 1, the church will be ont he corporate fast. I need to decree some things for next year!!
I can't believe the years are going by so fast. I'm not ready for next year. This year has been UP and DOWN.
I was homeless again--living in my car.
How did that happen? WOW!!!
Now I have my own place and I thank God for a roof over my head. I NEVER want to go through homelessness again. EVER!! It's not something that is fun. I have made no headway in my debt snowball. I mean I do pay my student loan, but the payments are interest only. So, I need to pay a big chunk of it off and I'm working on doing that, but I have to pay tuition. And I just signed up for a winter class that I need to take and that tuition is about $1200. So, I have to pay about $3200 for tuition.
Spiritually, I was UP and then DOWN and I hate that, but God is still good and HE LOVES ME and I LOVE HIM!!
I was thrown off when I thought this year was going to be the year for me to be married...God forgive me. I was also thrown off when I met car wash man. I actually didn't meet him, but he was flirting with me (I think) and it got into my spirit and I allowed that to cause me to sin.
But, I'm making it through. Thank God and next year will be BETTER. Actually, these last 21 days will be BETTER!! And I thank God for my strength!!
I've been fasting a little because I need it. And starting Jan 1, the church will be ont he corporate fast. I need to decree some things for next year!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
ICK.....But I Used To Be The Same Way
I just drove an hour with two early twenty-something people in the back seat of my car with their hands all over each other.
Ick.....MAJOR ICK!!!
Backstory....
One of my former students needed a ride to a city 50 miles away to pick up his girlfriend from the train station. He asked. I agreed. We got there and picked his girlfriend up and they both got into the car...in the back seat. Ok. No problem at all until the smooching started.
Oh brother....
They smooched almost the whole way home and I didn't want to be a party pooper so I called the only person I felt comfortable calling....MISTER.
UGH!!!
And I told him about the smooching twenty somethings and he said the very thing that I was thinking...."That used to be you."
Yes, Yes, I know and I wish it was still me.
Dang it. I want a man to smooch. I haven't had a GOOD smooch in years.
I used to wonder how people got to this point. Now I know.
God, help me please, cause I need a good night sleep tonight!!!
Ick.....MAJOR ICK!!!
Backstory....
One of my former students needed a ride to a city 50 miles away to pick up his girlfriend from the train station. He asked. I agreed. We got there and picked his girlfriend up and they both got into the car...in the back seat. Ok. No problem at all until the smooching started.
Oh brother....
They smooched almost the whole way home and I didn't want to be a party pooper so I called the only person I felt comfortable calling....MISTER.
UGH!!!
And I told him about the smooching twenty somethings and he said the very thing that I was thinking...."That used to be you."
Yes, Yes, I know and I wish it was still me.
Dang it. I want a man to smooch. I haven't had a GOOD smooch in years.
I used to wonder how people got to this point. Now I know.
God, help me please, cause I need a good night sleep tonight!!!
Sunday, November 30, 2014
House Becomes a Home
I'm almost done with all the unpacking. I have a few more boxes in the closet, but it's all books and old school stuff, so it will prolly stay in the closet. It was around this time 4 years ago that I was sleeping in my car, shivering. The snow was coming and I had no place to live until a friend of mine opened her doors to me. It was the lowest point of my life. Now here I am 4 years later in my own place again. No, I don't own my own home, but this apartment will do until I can afford my home. I've got a new sofa, a new bed ordered and I'm working on new insulated drapes so that I can keep the power bill low.
Now it's time to get back on track with my budget....
Thank God for my new home!!
Now it's time to get back on track with my budget....
Thank God for my new home!!
Saturday, November 22, 2014
GOD HELP ME, PLEASE!!!
PRIDE VERSUS BROKENNESS
by Harold Vaughan
Pride grieves God.
Brokenness secures grace.
Pride sets you up for a fall.
Brokenness prepares the way for God’s favor.
Pride spawns competition.
Brokenness builds community.
Pride keeps you from praying.
Brokenness causes you to pray.
Pride blinds you to your wicked ways.
Brokenness opens your eyes to your wicked ways.
Pride keeps you from seeking God's face.
Brokenness encourages you to seek God's face.
Pride is characterized by a stiff neck.
Brokenness is exemplified by a bowed head.
Pride fragments families.
Brokenness reconciles families.
Pride generates contention.
Brokenness invites unity.
Pride is the mother of rebellion.
Brokenness is the heart of submission.
Pride glories in self will, self effort, and self exaltation.
Brokenness glories in the Cross.
Pride compares Self against others—“I am smarter than you…I am cleaner than you…l am stronger than you.”
Brokenness compares Self with Christ and concludes—“I am the chief of sinners.”
Pride reflects the nature of Satan.
Brokenness mirrors the image of Christ.
Pride takes credit for accomplishments.
Brokenness recognizes all good accomplishments have their source outside of Self.
Pride seeks recognition from men.
Brokenness seeks approval from God.
Pride will make you cover up and hide from others.
Brokenness frees you to be transparent and honest.
Pride leads you to blame circumstances or others for your failure.
Brokenness accepts responsibility for failure.
Pride breeds suspicion of fellow believers.
Brokenness brings more suspicion of Self than anyone else.
Pride makes you think more highly of yourself.
Brokenness enables you to think more highly of others.
Pride is quick to detect pride in others.
Brokenness is quick to identify pride in oneself.
Pride makes you critical.
Brokenness makes you compassionate.
Pride hastily applies preaching to others.
Brokenness is quick to internalize preaching.
Pride easily detects the speck in your brother's eye.
Brokenness readily detects the beam in your own eye.
Pride believes you are a good person who happened to do some bad things.
Brokenness realizes you are a sinner through-and-through.
Pride puffs up and swells your head.
Brokenness brings perspective and breaks your heart.
Pride deals with sin in general.
Brokenness deals with sin in specifics.
Pride deals with the fruit of sin.
Brokenness deals with the root of sin.
Pride will cause you to deal with things that are respectable.
Brokenness causes you to deal with what is real.
Pride brings crustiness and hardness.
Brokenness brings pliability.
Pride is consumed with "I".
Brokenness is concerned with "Not I, but Christ."
Pride seeks prominence for Self.
Brokenness seeks the preeminence of Christ.
Pride makes the faults of others look BIG and my faults look small.
Brokenness makes my sins look BIG and the faults of others seem small.
Pride defends its rights.
Brokenness dies to its rights.
Pride makes me look down on others.
Brokenness makes me look up to heaven.
Pride keeps me from asking forgiveness when I have been wrong.
Brokenness makes me eager to humble myself when I have done wrong.
Pride breeds complacency.
Brokenness births hunger and thirst for new spiritual horizons.
Pride covers sin.
Brokenness discovers sin.
Pride barricades you from God.
Brokenness demolishes the barrier between you and God.
Pride builds a wall between us and others.
Brokenness builds bridges between us and others.
Pride disregards the Chief Cornerstone.
Brokenness falls upon the Chief Cornerstone.
Lord, bend this proud and stiff-necked I,
Help me to bow the head and die.
That it may no longer be I,
But Christ that lives in me.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
No More....NEVER AGAIN!!
PRIDE is a NASTY spirit. I knew I was prideful, but I didn't have a revelation of my pride until now. God has been showing me....For example,
When I meet with an old friend, I puff myself up. I showboat what is going on in my life and even exagerate it.
That is SO NASTY!!
Then I overestimate myself while underestimating other people, even my friends.
And that is SO NASTY!!
I also look down on people instead of looking up to them--like one young lady I used to mentor. She is young--24 I think and she is struggling, and my mentality is to look down on her because she is not doing everything she can to get out of the situation, but the truth is she is, i'm just being insensitive to her situation.
That is SO WRONG and NASTY!!
God, please forgive me!!!!!!
God has been so good to me and I thank Him for shining the light on this nasty spirit.
God hates this spirit and I do to.
Thank you God for delivering me!!
When I meet with an old friend, I puff myself up. I showboat what is going on in my life and even exagerate it.
That is SO NASTY!!
Then I overestimate myself while underestimating other people, even my friends.
And that is SO NASTY!!
I also look down on people instead of looking up to them--like one young lady I used to mentor. She is young--24 I think and she is struggling, and my mentality is to look down on her because she is not doing everything she can to get out of the situation, but the truth is she is, i'm just being insensitive to her situation.
That is SO WRONG and NASTY!!
God, please forgive me!!!!!!
God has been so good to me and I thank Him for shining the light on this nasty spirit.
God hates this spirit and I do to.
Thank you God for delivering me!!
Friday, October 31, 2014
I Can't Do This Again
I'm all moved into my new apartment. I guess I'm not homeless anymore. Thank God!! But I can't do this again. I feel like God is giving me a second chance to do things the right way and I don't want to mess this up. Man, I don't want to mess this up. I've moved everything BY MYSELF and now my body hurts.....
And I'm all alone in this apartment....
I'm not complaining. At least I get to walk around naked without having to bother anyone. LOL. But, it is lonely.
Despite that, I thank God.
And I'm all alone in this apartment....
I'm not complaining. At least I get to walk around naked without having to bother anyone. LOL. But, it is lonely.
Despite that, I thank God.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
I Hate That
When you run into someone you DO NOT want to see. I went to Best Buy to get a router modem for my new comcast internet service and going through the checkout line I saw Coach. I spoke, he spoke and we tried to talk to each other across the aisle, but he finally came over. I wasn't feeling it...I wasn't looking my best, he wasn't either. I wasn't feeling my best, and we tried to chit chat, but BLAH. He is one guy that I really could do without seeing ever again.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Saturday, October 25, 2014
I Wanna Put My Air in My Mama Name
I will be moving soon!! I got a text from the landlord. She wanted me to sign the lease today, but I don't have access to the rent and deposit. I HAVE it, I just don't have ACCESS to it. I put my money in 3 different accounts and one bank doesn't open on the weekend, so I have to get it on Monday. So, I will have the keys to my new place.
THANK GOD!!!!!!
I already turned the power on in my name, I set up an appointment for them to come on November 3. Now I need to find internet. UGH!! I don't like bargain shopping for these types of things. I don't want to spend more than $40 on internet service, but it seems like everything goes up after 12 months. OMG. I think I might be playing the game. I want the same internet as before because it was fine, but I can't find it. Dag. And I don't want a home phone.
As I was looking for all of these services, I remembered a comic who had a joke about the high prices of utility expenses....he pretty soon they would be charging us for air and people would be calling and saying, "I wanna put my air in my mama name." It was so funny...
THANK GOD!!!!!!
I already turned the power on in my name, I set up an appointment for them to come on November 3. Now I need to find internet. UGH!! I don't like bargain shopping for these types of things. I don't want to spend more than $40 on internet service, but it seems like everything goes up after 12 months. OMG. I think I might be playing the game. I want the same internet as before because it was fine, but I can't find it. Dag. And I don't want a home phone.
As I was looking for all of these services, I remembered a comic who had a joke about the high prices of utility expenses....he pretty soon they would be charging us for air and people would be calling and saying, "I wanna put my air in my mama name." It was so funny...
Thursday, October 23, 2014
My Car Gone Get Towed
I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE!! I got a call this morning about my work car and I was told that if I don't move it, it will be towed. OMG!!
God, help me please!!!
I texted the landlord about the apartment and she said the apartment will be ready on tomorrow, so I'm hoping I can move in the next week or so. I can't wait.
God, I'm so sorry for not being good steward.
I was feeling some kind of way today...I know I haven't been living right and my heart has been tainted and I DON'T LIKE IT!! And now I'm realizing that that feeling was bitterness. I don't want it in my heart!!
The bitterness is trying to creep in because I've allowed me flesh to do what it wants to do....and it is not good, so I take authority NOW, IN JESUS' NAME.
I will not be consumed with bitterness, envy, and jealousy, I REFUSE to allow the enemy to still my salvation!!
God, grant me the grace to forgive myself and move on in your righteousness, in Jesus name. Amen!
God, help me please!!!
I texted the landlord about the apartment and she said the apartment will be ready on tomorrow, so I'm hoping I can move in the next week or so. I can't wait.
God, I'm so sorry for not being good steward.
I was feeling some kind of way today...I know I haven't been living right and my heart has been tainted and I DON'T LIKE IT!! And now I'm realizing that that feeling was bitterness. I don't want it in my heart!!
The bitterness is trying to creep in because I've allowed me flesh to do what it wants to do....and it is not good, so I take authority NOW, IN JESUS' NAME.
I will not be consumed with bitterness, envy, and jealousy, I REFUSE to allow the enemy to still my salvation!!
God, grant me the grace to forgive myself and move on in your righteousness, in Jesus name. Amen!
Saturday, October 18, 2014
I Almost Pee'd my Pants
I attended the Saints Can Laugh Too Comedy show last night. The host was a young man who is SOOOOO FUNNY. He does these characters-the church lady who does the announcments, the old deacon, an african man who just came to America and his newest character is a spoof of a popular Christian Pastor. The character's name is Joel Oilsheen and he wears tight pants. I laughed so hard, I was choking and I almost pee'd in my pants. I laughed so hard, the lady in front of me moved. I guess I was having TOO good a time.
I am so glad I went because I was tired and I had school work and other work to do. But, I had a blast!!
I am so glad I went because I was tired and I had school work and other work to do. But, I had a blast!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Moses Was a Basketcase
I was feeling defeated today. I failed yet again in my physical struggles and it was causing inner turmoil. Whenever I feel this way, I turn up the faith. I made it up in my mind that I was going to fast, but I was struggling. I was hungry, upset, just plain emotional and on my way to get something to eat, I saw a sign outside a church that said, "Don't Give Up, Moses Was a Basket Case." This gave me some strength. Yes, I still wento to get something to eat, but I was not as down as before. I'm still a little down, but I know God loves me, so I will keep on keeping on!!
I'm going to keep trying until the day I die becaues it is true...all of the great people in the Bible were majorly flawed....
1. Moses killed a man and then fled.
2. Abraham worshipped idol Gods that his father made.
3. David committed adultry, had a man murdered and then married his wife.
4. Joseph was filled with pride.
The list can go on and one. The only one that was perfect was Jesus!
So, I'm human with human problems and me and the Holy Spirit are going to work on them together!
**I looked up "basket case" and this is what was given: a person or thing regarded as useless or unable to cope.
I'm going to keep trying until the day I die becaues it is true...all of the great people in the Bible were majorly flawed....
1. Moses killed a man and then fled.
2. Abraham worshipped idol Gods that his father made.
3. David committed adultry, had a man murdered and then married his wife.
4. Joseph was filled with pride.
The list can go on and one. The only one that was perfect was Jesus!
So, I'm human with human problems and me and the Holy Spirit are going to work on them together!
**I looked up "basket case" and this is what was given: a person or thing regarded as useless or unable to cope.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Furniture Looking
I have been furniture looking.....
I still have no place to live, but i've been furniture looking and so far I'm up to about $1000 for a sofa and two living room chairs. They are beautiful and if I had $1000, I'd buy them.
I still have no place to live, but i've been furniture looking and so far I'm up to about $1000 for a sofa and two living room chairs. They are beautiful and if I had $1000, I'd buy them.
But, the office desk is only $60. Woohoo!!!!
But it doesn't have a chair, so I'd need to buy a chair. But, I did find really cool desk accessaries at Hobby Lobby! Yep staplers, scissors, calculators, pencil holders and even a desk clock. Cute and blingy.
Now for the bedroom....My dream bed was not at Slumberland, but I saw this. well, acually it was mailed to me in an advertisement....Only $400 for the bed, not mattress and bed, but just the lovely headboard, rails, and footboard.
But, since they didnt' have it in a fullsize, I looked at this bed...
But if you notice it says the word "youth" because this is a children's bed, but it comes in full size. And I LOVE the headboard....but I dont' want a bed made for a child. I might be too heavy for it. And it has a cute little vanity to go with it, but I don't want children's furniture. Dag.
So it looks like bedroom furniture will be about $1000 if I include a nice mattress.
Then there is the dining room furniture and I saw these two sets that were both about $400-$500. So I need about $5000 for furniture and that includes all the little stuff--sheets, pillows, dishes, etc.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
NEVER Again to be the same!
My adult life has been changed and there are 3 very significant vehicles that has helped in this transformation.
1. My church home. The word of God transforms. And it's not just the word because the Bible says that letter kills, but it's the SPIRIT OF GOD that causes dead things to live and because God has bestowed upon me the blessing of being connected to an awesome Man and Woman of God, my life is FOREVER changed.
2. Rae Lewis Thornton
I started reading her blog in 2010. She was on the cover of Essence magazine as the face of HIV/AIDS in a time when this disease was plagued among the white male community and being transferred to the black community. I started reading her blog because I was in charge of an HIV grant and I need to arm myself with tools to help people and I began to read her life. And in reading, I God began to change my self-esteem and I began to look at my relationships with men differently. No more was I going to allow a man to use me. Yes, I was still strugging a little, but my mind was changing.
3. Financial Peace University I stared listening to Dave Ramsey when I was layed off and struggling financially and because of his teaching, I am on my way to being financially free and I thank God for that!!!
This life that God has given me is going to shine and bear the image of Christ and this can't happen without me changing.
So I thank God for my change!!!
1. My church home. The word of God transforms. And it's not just the word because the Bible says that letter kills, but it's the SPIRIT OF GOD that causes dead things to live and because God has bestowed upon me the blessing of being connected to an awesome Man and Woman of God, my life is FOREVER changed.
3. Financial Peace University I stared listening to Dave Ramsey when I was layed off and struggling financially and because of his teaching, I am on my way to being financially free and I thank God for that!!!
This life that God has given me is going to shine and bear the image of Christ and this can't happen without me changing.
So I thank God for my change!!!
Never Knew a Love Like This
My mind is blown and I know there is more to come...
God is AMAZING!!!! The last few days I have been transformed yet again and I want to bottle this up and keep it!! The only thing I can explain is that it is love!! I am HIS. I am HIS. I am HIS and I'm never leaving. No man can make me feel like this. I belong to GOD. It's hard to explain, but I am FOREVER CHANGED!!
God is AMAZING!!!! The last few days I have been transformed yet again and I want to bottle this up and keep it!! The only thing I can explain is that it is love!! I am HIS. I am HIS. I am HIS and I'm never leaving. No man can make me feel like this. I belong to GOD. It's hard to explain, but I am FOREVER CHANGED!!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Who is This Chick?
A lady at my church gave me these photos from the September Essence magazine. She wanted me to see my twin.
I've never posted a pic of me on my blog because I embarrassed about my situation, but she looks just like me, just thinner. I want to know her name.
I've never posted a pic of me on my blog because I embarrassed about my situation, but she looks just like me, just thinner. I want to know her name.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Pink Shirt Guy
I drove by "Pink Shirt Guy" today. That's what I'm going to call him since I didn't get a name. He was wearing a pink smock for Breast Cancer month. And it was a cute pink too--like fushia. LOL.
But, I drove by and he was there peddling his products. I wanted to stop, but I think it would have been weird, so I just drove by. It's strange how something like just meeting a guy and him flirting affects a person. I had to pray for strength because the flirt in me wanted to come out strong. But, I had to beat back that fleshly desire. And I'm fasting too--I've made that mistake before and I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!! OMG!!!! I need to keep it moving and I thank God for the strength to keep it moving!!!
But, I drove by and he was there peddling his products. I wanted to stop, but I think it would have been weird, so I just drove by. It's strange how something like just meeting a guy and him flirting affects a person. I had to pray for strength because the flirt in me wanted to come out strong. But, I had to beat back that fleshly desire. And I'm fasting too--I've made that mistake before and I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!! OMG!!!! I need to keep it moving and I thank God for the strength to keep it moving!!!
Thursday, September 25, 2014
I Want One of Those
I was working in Washington today and I stopped at a gas station to get some water. I see this black guy setting up a table and he was talking to another guy. Apparently he was selling something. As I was getting ready to leave he waved me over. I did not get out the car. I am not in the position to just be buying random stuff #debtfree. So I stayed put and he walked over. I told him that I was working. He said he was selling some type of car wash cleaner and we chatted briefly. He then told me to stop by later and he kept saying it. And he complimented my smile #typicalsalesman. I left with the intent of NOT going back. But dag was he CUTE!! I mean, he was EXACTLY how I like 'em.
I started to go back just to flirt. BUT THAT'S NOT WHERE I AM IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW!!
I don't care how cute you are, it's not worth it. I know flirting may seem innocent, but I don't even have time for that right now.
Dag, but I wanted to. I still want to. At least to go take a pic for this blog post, but you know....God is good to me and not even a cute guy is going to get in my way! So, Satan, the Lord rebuke you!! In Jesus Name, Amen.
As I was driving, I started telling God that I want one of those. He is the type of man that I like and he is the type of man that I want--physically, that is. I have no idea what type of person he is but he really tickled my flesh. I haven't had a CUTE guy like that compliment me in a long time.
What does that say about me?
God, you gotta help me out!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Am I Being Scammed?
I found a cute 2 bedroom home on craiglist for rent for $455. Usually when I see these ads, I know its too good to be true and I ususally just look and keep going, but this ad actually had someone's name listed as the contact person so I contacted. This person said this:
Hello,
Thanks for your interest and inquiries about my house. Yes the house is still available for rent and we are looking for a responsible person/family to occupy and maintain the house now that we are not around. Myself and my wife just traveled to California for a program called Joyce Meyer Ministries.We will be away for 4 to 5 years or more that is why I have made up my mind to put up my house for rent to whom ever that will take good care of it. However,Our initial plan was to sell the house but it was not successful because the Realtor inflated the price which made it difficult for me to sell before leaving the States so never mind if you see the for sale sign in front of the house, It has already been taken off the market as for sale so there is no need to contact any Realtor.
Also how long do you intend to stay? How soon do you intend to move in?
FEATURES AND AMENITIES: Laundry, Electric Range, Electric Heat, Master Bedroom, Playground, Car Park,Fireplace, Garbage Disposal, Microwave, security alarm, Pets Friendly, Refrigerator, Washer / Dryer.
DETAILS ABOUT THE HOUSE
Number of bedrooms: 2
Number of bathrooms:1
Rental price: $455 per month and security Deposit is $450(Security Deposit is Refundable) Utilities included in monthly rent.
Pets are Welcome.
Below is the address to the house:
5350 E William, Decatur, IL 62521
You can get back to me so i can forward you the rent questionnaire i would want you to fill out.
Regards
First red flag was this I though Joyce Meyer Ministries was in Fenton, Mo. But, I didn't say anything, I replied:
Thank you for responding. I work as a contract employee for the state of Illinois--Illinois Department of Revenue as a Tobacco Compliance Specialist. I travel around central Illinois completing assigments that are sent to me. Currently, I live with a roommate in a 2BR apt, however, since I work from home I need more space to set up an office. I'm currently attending Financial Peace University and my only debt is my student loan. I mention that because I was initially interested in buying a home, but in working the steps suggested by Dave Ramsey, I want to pay off my student loan and build up a substantial cash base before purchasing a home. I'm estimating that my student loan can be paid off in 2-4 years and then I want to save up maybe 30-40% to purchase a home. I WANT to be DEBT FREE, so that is my plan.
Hello,
Thanks for your interest and inquiries about my house. Yes the house is still available for rent and we are looking for a responsible person/family to occupy and maintain the house now that we are not around. Myself and my wife just traveled to California for a program called Joyce Meyer Ministries.We will be away for 4 to 5 years or more that is why I have made up my mind to put up my house for rent to whom ever that will take good care of it. However,Our initial plan was to sell the house but it was not successful because the Realtor inflated the price which made it difficult for me to sell before leaving the States so never mind if you see the for sale sign in front of the house, It has already been taken off the market as for sale so there is no need to contact any Realtor.
Also how long do you intend to stay? How soon do you intend to move in?
FEATURES AND AMENITIES: Laundry, Electric Range, Electric Heat, Master Bedroom, Playground, Car Park,Fireplace, Garbage Disposal, Microwave, security alarm, Pets Friendly, Refrigerator, Washer / Dryer.
DETAILS ABOUT THE HOUSE
Number of bedrooms: 2
Number of bathrooms:1
Rental price: $455 per month and security Deposit is $450(Security Deposit is Refundable) Utilities included in monthly rent.
Pets are Welcome.
Below is the address to the house:
5350 E William, Decatur, IL 62521
You can get back to me so i can forward you the rent questionnaire i would want you to fill out.
Regards
First red flag was this I though Joyce Meyer Ministries was in Fenton, Mo. But, I didn't say anything, I replied:
Thank you for responding. I work as a contract employee for the state of Illinois--Illinois Department of Revenue as a Tobacco Compliance Specialist. I travel around central Illinois completing assigments that are sent to me. Currently, I live with a roommate in a 2BR apt, however, since I work from home I need more space to set up an office. I'm currently attending Financial Peace University and my only debt is my student loan. I mention that because I was initially interested in buying a home, but in working the steps suggested by Dave Ramsey, I want to pay off my student loan and build up a substantial cash base before purchasing a home. I'm estimating that my student loan can be paid off in 2-4 years and then I want to save up maybe 30-40% to purchase a home. I WANT to be DEBT FREE, so that is my plan.
I am also in school at UIS working on pre-requisites for a Master/Ph.D program and I'm paying cash for my tuition, so that is an additional expense.
My take home pay is around $3600-$4000 depending on how much I work. I can send you a copy of my contract that details my income for verification purposes.
It's great that you are working with Joyce Meyer Ministries. I went one of her conferences a few years ago and I watch her on TV :-)
I can move at anytime and would hope to do so before it gets cold. Please let me know what information you need from me. THANKS!!
I drove by the house to see it and sure enough there was a realtor sign in the front. But then I got another email with all of the pictures and an application. The application did not ask for my social security number, so I was okay with that. But, I did send my contract with it which was a mistake because I forgot my contract had my social security number on it. Now I have to monitor my credit report. OMG.
But, I decided to call realtor and the realtor did not have the listing on their website. So I was wondering if for sure this person was telling the truth.
My credit is not horrible, but it's not so good either. We will see how this pans out.
Repentent Heart
I wasn't a good steward and I'm ashamed. God forgive me, please!!!
When I was the apartment manager I didn't take full advantage of that. I got lazy and I used my work as an excuse not to take care of someone else's property. Father, forgive me. God gave that to me and I squandered it and now I am yet again homeless.
Father, forgive me for being foolish!!
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
House Hunting
I went to see a cute little house today. It was cute on the outside and old on the inside. It was cheap $525 a month. It didn't have a shower. I NEED a shower. So, I'm still looking. I know God will provide!!
2 Hour Interview
I applied for a Public Adminstration Specialist in April 2013. I got a letter in the mail inviting me for an interview. I called, scheduled it and just finished.
WHEW!!!!
The job was for a person to coordinate the statewide HIV program. The interview was almost 2 hours long and it included a 20 minute writing sample. It took me 20 minutes to come up with a paragraph of information. OMG. I'm not sure how many questions there where, but there were lots and lots about data. OMG. I could hardly answer them. Clearly I am under qualified. Yes, I can do the job if I got it because I would bust my butt learning what I needed to learn to do the job, but I don't have the data management experience. Dag...I would love to travel all over the state working, but oh well.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
The 2nd Callback
Mr. D called to ask me if I wanted to apartment. I told her that I did, but after some soul searching, I've decided to turn down the apartment. I'm going to go with an efficiency apartment for about $400 a month. I'm not trying to impress anyone and I want to get out of debt ASAP, so this will save me about $2500 over the year that I could put towards debt and/or my tution which is about $3500.
I'm disappointed, but I remembered my car.....and I DON'T EVER want to repeat that.
I'm disappointed, but I remembered my car.....and I DON'T EVER want to repeat that.
Legal Guardianship
March 21, 2014.....
My entry was about my baby boy. I got excited! And I started praying because I can't have a baby without a husband.
Two months later.....May 19 & May 20, 2014.....
I had a dream about a man and his first name started with a J or his last name started with a J. So I was praying for my husband and my baby.
August 7, 2014
I go to see my cousin and her new baby. He's a light-skinned boy, but he's not yellow, he's more of a a red light-skinned baby instead of a yellow light-skinned baby. He is such a doll.
Sunday, August 24, 2014....
I get to my cousin's house and we are having dinner after her babies christening....she pulls me aside and tells me that she needs a HUGE FAVOR. She kept saying it was huge. When we got to her room, she asked me if I could be her son's legal guardian if anything were to ever happen to her. We really couldn't talk because there were tons of people at her house and people kept coming in the room. So we made plans to talk later.
As I was leaving the next day I kept thinking and thinking about my dream.
Was that baby in my dreams? I began to pray to ask God....
I also emailed my 1st lady. She basically said that this was God preparing me for her asking me to be the legal guardian. It doesn't mean that I will actually be the legal guardian, just god preparing me to tell her yes.
Whew!!!
My entry was about my baby boy. I got excited! And I started praying because I can't have a baby without a husband.
Two months later.....May 19 & May 20, 2014.....
I had a dream about a man and his first name started with a J or his last name started with a J. So I was praying for my husband and my baby.
August 7, 2014
I go to see my cousin and her new baby. He's a light-skinned boy, but he's not yellow, he's more of a a red light-skinned baby instead of a yellow light-skinned baby. He is such a doll.
Sunday, August 24, 2014....
I get to my cousin's house and we are having dinner after her babies christening....she pulls me aside and tells me that she needs a HUGE FAVOR. She kept saying it was huge. When we got to her room, she asked me if I could be her son's legal guardian if anything were to ever happen to her. We really couldn't talk because there were tons of people at her house and people kept coming in the room. So we made plans to talk later.
As I was leaving the next day I kept thinking and thinking about my dream.
Was that baby in my dreams? I began to pray to ask God....
I also emailed my 1st lady. She basically said that this was God preparing me for her asking me to be the legal guardian. It doesn't mean that I will actually be the legal guardian, just god preparing me to tell her yes.
Whew!!!
Saturday, August 23, 2014
The Call Back
It was actually a text back.
"The couple changed their minds. I will reserve the apartment for you if you want." is what the text said. The guy was letting me know that the apartment was available now and that I could have it if I wanted it. OMG!!
I have $200 in the bank and I don't get paid until Thursday. I don't have any money for the apartment now.
Oh boy oh boy.....
"The couple changed their minds. I will reserve the apartment for you if you want." is what the text said. The guy was letting me know that the apartment was available now and that I could have it if I wanted it. OMG!!
I have $200 in the bank and I don't get paid until Thursday. I don't have any money for the apartment now.
Oh boy oh boy.....
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
My New Home
1576 W. ********** St.
I went to seen an apartment on yesterday....at first I was hesistant. I called the owner and she gave me the number to her step father. But, I didn't call him right away. I called him later in the afternoon and we set a time to see the place. It was in an older building, but the apartment was really nice. It said there was 1500 sq ft, but I'm not sure that it was that big even though it was spacious. When you walk in there is a living room, but right off the living is a den with tons of windows--my new office. Then there is a dining room and a small kitchen. The kitchen leads to the hall way that leads to the two bedrooms and the bathroom. One bedroom doesn't have a closet, but that is fine. There are two very large spacious closets down the hallway. And one bedroom has a walk in. The only thing that I didn't like was that that place needed to be painted. I have paint. I can paint. I have no problem with painting. As a matter of fact I love to paint. The father-in-law offerred it to me there, but I didn't have $1200 on me at that moment. As a matter of fact I won't have $1200 on me until next Thursday when I get paid. I have access to $600 ( part of which is my emergency fund). I told him I needed to check Ameren and they said the power bill is only about $120 a month. I told him that I would call him back that evening, but I called him this morning and left him a message.
He hasn't called me back. OMG!!!!
I want the apartment and I NEED the apartment, but I wonder if he would allow me to move in Sept 1? I'll try to call him back this evening.
I went to seen an apartment on yesterday....at first I was hesistant. I called the owner and she gave me the number to her step father. But, I didn't call him right away. I called him later in the afternoon and we set a time to see the place. It was in an older building, but the apartment was really nice. It said there was 1500 sq ft, but I'm not sure that it was that big even though it was spacious. When you walk in there is a living room, but right off the living is a den with tons of windows--my new office. Then there is a dining room and a small kitchen. The kitchen leads to the hall way that leads to the two bedrooms and the bathroom. One bedroom doesn't have a closet, but that is fine. There are two very large spacious closets down the hallway. And one bedroom has a walk in. The only thing that I didn't like was that that place needed to be painted. I have paint. I can paint. I have no problem with painting. As a matter of fact I love to paint. The father-in-law offerred it to me there, but I didn't have $1200 on me at that moment. As a matter of fact I won't have $1200 on me until next Thursday when I get paid. I have access to $600 ( part of which is my emergency fund). I told him I needed to check Ameren and they said the power bill is only about $120 a month. I told him that I would call him back that evening, but I called him this morning and left him a message.
He hasn't called me back. OMG!!!!
I want the apartment and I NEED the apartment, but I wonder if he would allow me to move in Sept 1? I'll try to call him back this evening.
Monday, August 18, 2014
I Have an Assignment
I am here because I have an assignment. Joshua was assigned to the foot of the mountain for 40 days and he didn't move.
It's a different dispensation of time now and I THANK God for my leaders who are teaching me!! To arise at the next level in my life, I must got to a new level of listening, discerning, and seeing in the spirit. I must now have sensitive ears. God, help me to hear! I NEED to hear the spirit of what is said to me!! In this season I can not miss God! I must identify and remove anything that is crowding out the voice of God. I must be willing to obey as God speaks and bring myself under authority to what He is saying and follow through to obedience. This is the hour where I have to have influence in my life!! I NEED influence to get things done in my life.
I have to be groomed for the next level, but I can't because I've been doing my own thing. God, help me!! My problem is listening and obeying!! Help me, God!!! As I obey I rise to levels of influence!!
I can't get sucked into the vice of my environment!! I AIN'T GONNA BE A FOOL TWICE!!!!!!
Father, help me to be more stable.
Abraham is my example. God raised him to high levels of influence. Abraham didn't know God--he was an idolator, his family worshiped pagan gods. The price he had to pay was called, letting go. God tells him to leave his home. But Abraham received more because of what he gave up. When he left he took Lot with him which was a mistake.
I have to let him go!!! I can't hold on to him!!!
There are things that I have to change!! That's why I am still here in this state, so I NEED to change in order to have those things that I say.
Abraham began to sacrifice.
God, thank you for your help!! Father, forgive me for not trusting you!!
I have to believe what God says more that what I see!! I can't allow the spirit of depression to attached itself to my soul. I don't want my soul to be attacked.
Faith perceives the unseen! It see as real and complete.....I have to see myself as I want it to be not how it is.
Faith sees beyond my natural senses!! God if you open the door, you keep it open, if you make the way, you are gonna give the provision.
We walk by our faith and not by our sight, so I see like God sees. He's able to make all grace abound towards me. My body is healed and whole, my bones are strong and not brittle. I am out of debt! I am happy and healthy!!! My family shall be saved!!!
Faith feeds on impossibilities! It's impossible for me to get a bank loan right now. But I have faith. God how does my faith line up with my reality? I've counted up the cost. I don't want a mansion, I can't afford that now, so I want a house that I can manage.
This right here is possible!!
It's a different dispensation of time now and I THANK God for my leaders who are teaching me!! To arise at the next level in my life, I must got to a new level of listening, discerning, and seeing in the spirit. I must now have sensitive ears. God, help me to hear! I NEED to hear the spirit of what is said to me!! In this season I can not miss God! I must identify and remove anything that is crowding out the voice of God. I must be willing to obey as God speaks and bring myself under authority to what He is saying and follow through to obedience. This is the hour where I have to have influence in my life!! I NEED influence to get things done in my life.
I have to be groomed for the next level, but I can't because I've been doing my own thing. God, help me!! My problem is listening and obeying!! Help me, God!!! As I obey I rise to levels of influence!!
I can't get sucked into the vice of my environment!! I AIN'T GONNA BE A FOOL TWICE!!!!!!
Father, help me to be more stable.
Abraham is my example. God raised him to high levels of influence. Abraham didn't know God--he was an idolator, his family worshiped pagan gods. The price he had to pay was called, letting go. God tells him to leave his home. But Abraham received more because of what he gave up. When he left he took Lot with him which was a mistake.
I have to let him go!!! I can't hold on to him!!!
There are things that I have to change!! That's why I am still here in this state, so I NEED to change in order to have those things that I say.
Abraham began to sacrifice.
God, thank you for your help!! Father, forgive me for not trusting you!!
I have to believe what God says more that what I see!! I can't allow the spirit of depression to attached itself to my soul. I don't want my soul to be attacked.
Faith perceives the unseen! It see as real and complete.....I have to see myself as I want it to be not how it is.
Faith sees beyond my natural senses!! God if you open the door, you keep it open, if you make the way, you are gonna give the provision.
We walk by our faith and not by our sight, so I see like God sees. He's able to make all grace abound towards me. My body is healed and whole, my bones are strong and not brittle. I am out of debt! I am happy and healthy!!! My family shall be saved!!!
Faith feeds on impossibilities! It's impossible for me to get a bank loan right now. But I have faith. God how does my faith line up with my reality? I've counted up the cost. I don't want a mansion, I can't afford that now, so I want a house that I can manage.
This right here is possible!!
I Will Not Fear
The third house has fallen through. So I am still without a place to live. I got the text this morning that the person ahead of me signed the lease.
I still have faith in God. I need a place to live, He knows I need a place to live...so I will have a place to live!!
Fear is trying to creep in, but I will not fear. God is with me!!
I still have faith in God. I need a place to live, He knows I need a place to live...so I will have a place to live!!
Fear is trying to creep in, but I will not fear. God is with me!!
Sunday, August 17, 2014
What A Dream
I had a dream this morning...
Q and I were driving together. I think we were going to a workshop for RS and as we were driving to the location where the workshop was held, we came to this wooded area--kind of like a forrest that we drove through. As we got through the forrest, we came to an area that was REALLY WEIRD. There were dead animals every where. And they weren't just dead like roadkill on the side of the road--these animals were on display and they were only bones, like you see dinosaur bones in a museum. Someone had taken all these animals and made some type of attraction for people to come see all these dead animals. There were big animals and small animals and even the skins of snakes were displayed and arranged so that as you drive through you can look at them. We were both like, "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THIS?" It was strange. I had NEVER seen anything like this. We got past all the animals to the place where the workshop was held and I kept wondering why can't we have the workshop in a zoo with live animals or at least in a place where the animals were stuffed--the bones were just strange.
When we got to the room, the people who were conducting the workshop were just excited. I was too weirded out to be excited. I was puzzled and concerned. We got out name tags and the only thing on our name tags were out initials--not our names. And the people conducting the workshop were trying to hype everything up, like it was okay that we just drive through all those dead animal bones.
I sat down in the back of the room and this guy was sitting back there and I think we started talking, but that was it, I woke up.......
I tried to go back to sleep to see what the guy was talking about cause he smiled and was cute, but it was over. I was too disturbed by the dream.....
Friday, August 15, 2014
A Whole Bunch of Cats
I've been searching and searching for a place to live and it's exhausting. Why do I have to be ssssooo complicated. It is simple. I want a:
2 bedroom
basement
garage
central air condition
small yard
all for $550 a month.
I'd prefer an apartment for $550 a month that is large and has space. I think I've found an apartment, but I'm so apathetic. But, I"m going to go for it!!
2 bedroom
basement
garage
central air condition
small yard
all for $550 a month.
I'd prefer an apartment for $550 a month that is large and has space. I think I've found an apartment, but I'm so apathetic. But, I"m going to go for it!!
Sunday, August 10, 2014
I Need the Storm
Without the storm, there is no rain, without the rain, the seed can't be watered, without the water, the seed will die. So God, I thank you for the storm.
This summer has been very unseasonal. Usually by now it should be about 90degrees outside, but it's been like 70 degrees. I don't think we have even gotten above 88 this summer. It's been more rain and more and more rain.
This is just like my life right now. More and more rain! But, I thank God for the rain. I still have the victory.
This summer has been very unseasonal. Usually by now it should be about 90degrees outside, but it's been like 70 degrees. I don't think we have even gotten above 88 this summer. It's been more rain and more and more rain.
This is just like my life right now. More and more rain! But, I thank God for the rain. I still have the victory.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
What Do You Want?
Married guy keeps contacting me. What do you want? is what I want to ask him. Can't you get the picture that I'm NOT interested!!! There is nothing a married man can do for me. Plus I got the goods on him. He doesn't know that my cousin works for the prison where he used to work. Oh boy....
Rueben Studdard, Jo Dee Messina, and an Aching Body
I've been volunteering this weekend at the "Celebration" which is an annual streetfest--one of the largest in downstate, IL (besides the state fair). I'm volunteering for the organization that I work with. We are manning the barricades for the vendors. So, on Friday, the highlighting act was Rueben Studdard and Jo Dee Messina. Since we are securing the barricades, I heard over the radio that Rueben Studdard was there. I wanted to see him, but I was all the way across the park. He was there to do sound check.
Later in the evening I was at the barricade and me being the parking nazi that I was, no one was getting past me withouth a parking pass. So a black SUV pulls up. I'm eating a stir fry bowl and I don't see a parking pass so I immediately tell the guy that he needed a parking pass. "I'm here with Rueben Studdard, he's supposed to be on stage at 7pm," the guy tells me. "Oh, ok....is he supposed to be at this gate?" I ask as a little spit flew out of my mouth. LOL. I made a mistake and spit on Rueben Studdard's driver. I told him I was sorry and wiped it off. "You spit on me," he laughed. I apologized and apologized and looked in the car and Rueben was sitting in the back seat. "Hey, Reuben, " I waved. "Yes, this gate," he said and I let them through.
That was memorable!!
Then I had to be back stage for Jo Dee Messina. Those people were....They kept trying to tell me stories of when they went to see her in concert. They wanted me to give them messages for her. WHAT?? I don't know this woman. One lady wanted me to tell her that her music got her through her son's cancer. WHAT??? I'm not even allowed to talk to her. Then one guy comes up and asks, "Is Jo Dee in that trailer there?" He pointed to the huge RV. "I don't know I told him. Her children are in there," I said. Her children were dropped off by the nanny about 15 minutes before this. "I bet she is. That's good she travels with her children," he said. Then we went on to tell me a story about seeing her in concert a long time ago. Then later, about 15 min before she was to go on stage, a guy comes up and just stands at the barricades. I had no clue what he wanted. Then he yells, "Jo Dee, can I get a picture?" And he waits. I had no clue Jo Dee was out of her trailer. The only reason the barricades were open was because a car came to drop off some groceries and they said the would be leaving so I didn't have to close the gate right away. But I stood at the gate to make sure no one would enter. The woman with Jo Dee yelled back, "She's about to go on stage." "It's just one picture," the guy said. And Jo Dee waved him over. The pic was taken and he talked to her for a while. That was pretty nice. I can't say the same about Joan Jhett. From what I hear, she didn't want to talk to anyone. As a matter of fact her security was telling us to get out the way, and I was only volunteering. I didn't want her autograph, pic or nothing. I just wanted to do my job and keep the people out. One person did hop the fence. It was funny.....
After the weekend, my body was beat. I stayed in the bed all day on Monday. I was SO tired!! I couldn't hardly walk, my feet hurt so bad.
I'm so glad the weekend is OVER!!! All for a measely $1000 bucks. The things I do in the name of volunterism.
Later in the evening I was at the barricade and me being the parking nazi that I was, no one was getting past me withouth a parking pass. So a black SUV pulls up. I'm eating a stir fry bowl and I don't see a parking pass so I immediately tell the guy that he needed a parking pass. "I'm here with Rueben Studdard, he's supposed to be on stage at 7pm," the guy tells me. "Oh, ok....is he supposed to be at this gate?" I ask as a little spit flew out of my mouth. LOL. I made a mistake and spit on Rueben Studdard's driver. I told him I was sorry and wiped it off. "You spit on me," he laughed. I apologized and apologized and looked in the car and Rueben was sitting in the back seat. "Hey, Reuben, " I waved. "Yes, this gate," he said and I let them through.
That was memorable!!
Then I had to be back stage for Jo Dee Messina. Those people were....They kept trying to tell me stories of when they went to see her in concert. They wanted me to give them messages for her. WHAT?? I don't know this woman. One lady wanted me to tell her that her music got her through her son's cancer. WHAT??? I'm not even allowed to talk to her. Then one guy comes up and asks, "Is Jo Dee in that trailer there?" He pointed to the huge RV. "I don't know I told him. Her children are in there," I said. Her children were dropped off by the nanny about 15 minutes before this. "I bet she is. That's good she travels with her children," he said. Then we went on to tell me a story about seeing her in concert a long time ago. Then later, about 15 min before she was to go on stage, a guy comes up and just stands at the barricades. I had no clue what he wanted. Then he yells, "Jo Dee, can I get a picture?" And he waits. I had no clue Jo Dee was out of her trailer. The only reason the barricades were open was because a car came to drop off some groceries and they said the would be leaving so I didn't have to close the gate right away. But I stood at the gate to make sure no one would enter. The woman with Jo Dee yelled back, "She's about to go on stage." "It's just one picture," the guy said. And Jo Dee waved him over. The pic was taken and he talked to her for a while. That was pretty nice. I can't say the same about Joan Jhett. From what I hear, she didn't want to talk to anyone. As a matter of fact her security was telling us to get out the way, and I was only volunteering. I didn't want her autograph, pic or nothing. I just wanted to do my job and keep the people out. One person did hop the fence. It was funny.....
After the weekend, my body was beat. I stayed in the bed all day on Monday. I was SO tired!! I couldn't hardly walk, my feet hurt so bad.
I'm so glad the weekend is OVER!!! All for a measely $1000 bucks. The things I do in the name of volunterism.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Denied
I've got my denials from the bank. *Sigh*
Now I have to figure out where to live. I've been trolling for apartment and houses to rent and everything seems so expensive. A nice two bedroom apartment for $600 a month. If I was purchasing a home it would be less than $500 a month. Of course they would add insurance and taxes, but still, it's cheaper.
I NEED help, God!!
Now I have to figure out where to live. I've been trolling for apartment and houses to rent and everything seems so expensive. A nice two bedroom apartment for $600 a month. If I was purchasing a home it would be less than $500 a month. Of course they would add insurance and taxes, but still, it's cheaper.
I NEED help, God!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
It Was His Grandfather
I posted about one of the young people that I work with. And I was so bothered. I didn't know what to do. It was crazy. I decided to try to call him again to see what was going on and he answered. I was nervous, so I wasn't sure about asking for him.
"Is this *****," I asked sheepishly trying to convey confidence. I rehashed the story and he told me it was his grandfather.
WHEW!!!!
So relieved!!!!!
He said his mother unplugged the phone so that's why I couldn't get through. So, the other number that he had listed was his grandmother's and he is named after his grandfather. OMG!!!
I'm so relieve my stomach hurts. LOL. I was so concerned. I was trying to pray. That's too much stress!!
"Is this *****," I asked sheepishly trying to convey confidence. I rehashed the story and he told me it was his grandfather.
WHEW!!!!
So relieved!!!!!
He said his mother unplugged the phone so that's why I couldn't get through. So, the other number that he had listed was his grandmother's and he is named after his grandfather. OMG!!!
I'm so relieve my stomach hurts. LOL. I was so concerned. I was trying to pray. That's too much stress!!
No, NO, and NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!
I just talked to one of my bosses and she needs me to work in the St. Clair county area. The same area where I'm from and the same area where "married man" is from. WHY, OH WHY???
I DO NOT want to see this man, but this is a temptation and I NEED God to help me!!!!!!!!!
God, I know you hear me when I pray. Help me with this one!! In Jesus Name, Amen.
Btw, I'm a little sad that I'm dealing with this. This is pathetic and not something that I should be dealing with. OMG!! What has gotten into me??
I DO NOT want to see this man, but this is a temptation and I NEED God to help me!!!!!!!!!
God, I know you hear me when I pray. Help me with this one!! In Jesus Name, Amen.
Btw, I'm a little sad that I'm dealing with this. This is pathetic and not something that I should be dealing with. OMG!! What has gotten into me??
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
All the Makings of Danger
I am absolutely not going to be in relationship with a married man. NOPE, not at all!!
It has all the makings of DANGER!!!!!
All types of bells and whistles going off!!! There is no need to keep going when you see the warning signs. So, I won't be going home this weekend. My other absolutes:
I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT.....
1. Be friends with a married man.
2. Marry a man who doesn't love God.
3. Marry a man who is a drunkard
4. Marry a man who doesn't take care of his kids.
5. Not shack.
6. Not fornicate.
7.
8.
9.
My safeguards....
1. I will not hang out with a married man.
2. I will not text and inbox a married man.
3. I will not establish a relationship with a married man.
4.
5.
I need to have ASSETS in my life. Not LIABILITIES!!
To be continued......
It has all the makings of DANGER!!!!!
All types of bells and whistles going off!!! There is no need to keep going when you see the warning signs. So, I won't be going home this weekend. My other absolutes:
I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT.....
1. Be friends with a married man.
2. Marry a man who doesn't love God.
3. Marry a man who is a drunkard
4. Marry a man who doesn't take care of his kids.
5. Not shack.
6. Not fornicate.
7.
8.
9.
My safeguards....
1. I will not hang out with a married man.
2. I will not text and inbox a married man.
3. I will not establish a relationship with a married man.
4.
5.
I need to have ASSETS in my life. Not LIABILITIES!!
To be continued......
Why, Married Men, Why??
I HATE facebook. Yep, just hate it. But sometimes I've got to use it. I get on to see how my fam doing and sometimes I'm looking up stuff for work. And while doing that I get caught up in seeing all the stuff people have on there. UGH!!! Then occassionally I get a message or two from someone that I DO NOT WANT to talk to. OMG.
So, this is what happened recently. I logged on and I get a message from a guy in high school. I respond to the friend request and message him back. BUT....before I message him back I check out his page. I see vacay pics with children and a woman, but his status doesn't say if he's married. I read a few post and one mentions his wife. Hmmmmm....what's the deal with that?!
So, he asked me if I ever get home and I tell him that I do. "So, that would be and opportunity to see you," is what he said in my response to coming home. I told him I would keep him posted.
WHY OH WHY???
So, now my mind is ....A seed is planted and surely my plan was to get home soon.
I make plans for this weekend and I let him know. We then get to talking about his life--two sons and wife. He then tells me that he liked me in high school.
Okay......????
He wanted to know why I didn't like him?
What??
That was high school....20 years ago?!!!
Why does that matter now? You have a wife and two sons. I barely remember high school, let alone why I didn't like someone. DAG!!
But, the little seed was planted and he's an attractive guy. BUT.....he's married.
Oh God!!!! What is wrong??
No, I've made plans to see him and I KNOW this is NOT good. Now I need a back out plan. Actually, I think I can still go home, but not see him alone. I can get my eyebrows done at his job. He's a barber and that will be safe?????
So, this is what happened recently. I logged on and I get a message from a guy in high school. I respond to the friend request and message him back. BUT....before I message him back I check out his page. I see vacay pics with children and a woman, but his status doesn't say if he's married. I read a few post and one mentions his wife. Hmmmmm....what's the deal with that?!
So, he asked me if I ever get home and I tell him that I do. "So, that would be and opportunity to see you," is what he said in my response to coming home. I told him I would keep him posted.
WHY OH WHY???
So, now my mind is ....A seed is planted and surely my plan was to get home soon.
I make plans for this weekend and I let him know. We then get to talking about his life--two sons and wife. He then tells me that he liked me in high school.
Okay......????
He wanted to know why I didn't like him?
What??
That was high school....20 years ago?!!!
Why does that matter now? You have a wife and two sons. I barely remember high school, let alone why I didn't like someone. DAG!!
But, the little seed was planted and he's an attractive guy. BUT.....he's married.
Oh God!!!! What is wrong??
No, I've made plans to see him and I KNOW this is NOT good. Now I need a back out plan. Actually, I think I can still go home, but not see him alone. I can get my eyebrows done at his job. He's a barber and that will be safe?????
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Hurting Heart
"Hello, this is T****** from ********. I'm trying to reach *******, I said to the woman answering the phone. I had called and called, but the answering machine had not picked up so I called ther emergency contact number.
I had just talked to ****** on Monday or was it Tuesday. I asked him if he was available to work with us on tomorrow. He said he was. He sounded happy and chipper. When I called him I expected to talk to the answering machine. I almost always talk to the answering machine. But no, he picked up and I told him I would call him back the next day to let him know that time. But, I didn't call him back the next day because my partner had not gotten back to me. So I called him back today, almost 5 days later.
"******** is dead," said the woman who answered the phone.
I was speechless. NEVER in a million years would I have expected that response.
At first I was thinking that maybe she was talking about his father. I mean father's die. They get old and they die. But not 16 year old kids.
"Hello," the woman said when I didn't respond.
I responded. I don't remember what I said.
"So take him off the list, said the woman."
I said "OK" and we hung up.
I wanted to say more. I wanted to ask who she was. I wanted to ask how, why? But, I was speechless. I felt like I had been punched or somehow the wind was knocked out of my.
What do you say when you call someone to work and you there that they are dead. I mean someone you know that you had just talked to.
I mean, I didn't know him well, but we had worked with him twice before and he was a quirky kid. Kind of goofy, but likeable. He asked me if he could use me as a reference. Of course he could. I had no problems with him.
So, dead is not what I expected to hear.
I was too shocked to know how to respond. So I went back to watch TV. But I was bothered. I couldn't watch TV. So I a back up. I mean I still have to work. I barely knew the kid. The backup wasn't available, so I called my partner to tell her. I left her a message. I'm glad her voicemail picked up. I was getting emotional and didn't want to cry. I mean, I"m an emotional person. I've been watching Oprah all day after church and I've been boohooing.
I went back to try to watch TV, but the spirit of what she said to me was trying to cover me. I mean, I hear that when some people are depressed, it's like wearing a coat of sadness. The depression wraps itself around them. This news, this bad news was attaching itself to me. So finally I prayed. "The blood of Jesus," is mostly what I prayed. I prayed for the family. Then I searched the internet. Usually when people die, there is something on facebook. Not sure why, but before the family can be informed sometimes, it's on facebook first. So I searched for him and couldn't find anything. Then I found his facebook page and nothing. No "RIP" messages.
Was this real?
I called one of my bosses. She had referred him to us. I left her a message. When she referred him she said she knew his sister. So surely, she could find out.
Now I'm here...processing because writing is the way I process. I tried to watch Martin. Tried to laugh, but I am so bothered. I texted all my loved ones to let them know that I love the. It's sad the only person who immediately responded was a nonrelative. WOW. Finally one of my sister's replied....
Life is short....
I had just talked to ****** on Monday or was it Tuesday. I asked him if he was available to work with us on tomorrow. He said he was. He sounded happy and chipper. When I called him I expected to talk to the answering machine. I almost always talk to the answering machine. But no, he picked up and I told him I would call him back the next day to let him know that time. But, I didn't call him back the next day because my partner had not gotten back to me. So I called him back today, almost 5 days later.
"******** is dead," said the woman who answered the phone.
I was speechless. NEVER in a million years would I have expected that response.
At first I was thinking that maybe she was talking about his father. I mean father's die. They get old and they die. But not 16 year old kids.
"Hello," the woman said when I didn't respond.
I responded. I don't remember what I said.
"So take him off the list, said the woman."
I said "OK" and we hung up.
I wanted to say more. I wanted to ask who she was. I wanted to ask how, why? But, I was speechless. I felt like I had been punched or somehow the wind was knocked out of my.
What do you say when you call someone to work and you there that they are dead. I mean someone you know that you had just talked to.
I mean, I didn't know him well, but we had worked with him twice before and he was a quirky kid. Kind of goofy, but likeable. He asked me if he could use me as a reference. Of course he could. I had no problems with him.
So, dead is not what I expected to hear.
I was too shocked to know how to respond. So I went back to watch TV. But I was bothered. I couldn't watch TV. So I a back up. I mean I still have to work. I barely knew the kid. The backup wasn't available, so I called my partner to tell her. I left her a message. I'm glad her voicemail picked up. I was getting emotional and didn't want to cry. I mean, I"m an emotional person. I've been watching Oprah all day after church and I've been boohooing.
I went back to try to watch TV, but the spirit of what she said to me was trying to cover me. I mean, I hear that when some people are depressed, it's like wearing a coat of sadness. The depression wraps itself around them. This news, this bad news was attaching itself to me. So finally I prayed. "The blood of Jesus," is mostly what I prayed. I prayed for the family. Then I searched the internet. Usually when people die, there is something on facebook. Not sure why, but before the family can be informed sometimes, it's on facebook first. So I searched for him and couldn't find anything. Then I found his facebook page and nothing. No "RIP" messages.
Was this real?
I called one of my bosses. She had referred him to us. I left her a message. When she referred him she said she knew his sister. So surely, she could find out.
Now I'm here...processing because writing is the way I process. I tried to watch Martin. Tried to laugh, but I am so bothered. I texted all my loved ones to let them know that I love the. It's sad the only person who immediately responded was a nonrelative. WOW. Finally one of my sister's replied....
Life is short....
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Thanks For the Visit
I'm always happy when Aunt Flo visits. It signifies that my body is working properly. I thin I missed her last month. Actually, I know I missed her last month. With the stress of moving and and not knowing where I was gonna live and what was going on in my life...she took a hiatus. So, when she shows up it lets me know that I'm not as stressed.
I've been looking and looking at homes. I haven't contacted the bank yet, but there are so many affordable homes. I can't wait until the 15th.
FPU tells me not to make any large purchases during the class, but I NEED a place to live ASAP. I love being able to live with my friend, but she doesn't want me there. It's becoming a burden. I don't have a key and she leaves her door unlocked and she's concerned about that and I live in a room. I can't have my stuff and I can't cook what I want. It's better than my other friend, but it's not home and not comfortable.
So, I pray and pray that the home loan goes through. I NEED it to go through!!
I have faith that it will and I'm not doubting. God is good like that.
I was reminded of the jacket that I bought. I searched and searched and I had a specific price in mind....
If God can do that, surely he can help me get a place to live.
I've been looking and looking at homes. I haven't contacted the bank yet, but there are so many affordable homes. I can't wait until the 15th.
FPU tells me not to make any large purchases during the class, but I NEED a place to live ASAP. I love being able to live with my friend, but she doesn't want me there. It's becoming a burden. I don't have a key and she leaves her door unlocked and she's concerned about that and I live in a room. I can't have my stuff and I can't cook what I want. It's better than my other friend, but it's not home and not comfortable.
So, I pray and pray that the home loan goes through. I NEED it to go through!!
I have faith that it will and I'm not doubting. God is good like that.
I was reminded of the jacket that I bought. I searched and searched and I had a specific price in mind....
If God can do that, surely he can help me get a place to live.
Friday, July 25, 2014
I AM SLEEPY
I do not wanna get sick again, but I NEED some sleep. I have been driving from pillar to post all around town, carting people around. I don't mind it, but it's getting to be a burden.
I Will Never Do That Again!
1. Talk bad about a person behind their back. It's just not right and I have no business talk about someone else.
2. Take the credit when it was clearly God who told me what to do.
3. Get lifted up in pride because I am such a flawed person. Nothing I do is right, but I can do all things through Christ....
4. Relive my past. It's over. I've LET IT GO!!
2. Take the credit when it was clearly God who told me what to do.
3. Get lifted up in pride because I am such a flawed person. Nothing I do is right, but I can do all things through Christ....
4. Relive my past. It's over. I've LET IT GO!!
Sunday, July 20, 2014
I Am Not Defeated
Any area in my life where I'm defeated, I have not allowed God to enter.
God has given me influence to get the job done in my life. I have to take that influence and show God's image in the earth. God did not create me to not have victory over every area in my life. I AM NOT DEFEATED!!
The devil can come and talk to me and make me feel like I don't have everything that I need. I am not made to fear because God didn't give me that spirit. So, I have the spirit of boldness on my life!! Everything God created it's already in me.
Just because I'm going through a situation, doesn't mean God is not with me. God is using this to get me to where I'm supposed to be.
After this battle, I'm still going to be standing!! My faith will get me through this. This faith that I have will get me through this!!
I have to allow my victory in God to surface and keep me afloat!
God has given me influence to get the job done in my life. I have to take that influence and show God's image in the earth. God did not create me to not have victory over every area in my life. I AM NOT DEFEATED!!
The devil can come and talk to me and make me feel like I don't have everything that I need. I am not made to fear because God didn't give me that spirit. So, I have the spirit of boldness on my life!! Everything God created it's already in me.
Just because I'm going through a situation, doesn't mean God is not with me. God is using this to get me to where I'm supposed to be.
After this battle, I'm still going to be standing!! My faith will get me through this. This faith that I have will get me through this!!
I have to allow my victory in God to surface and keep me afloat!
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