Gym Membership

In August, before I became homeless, I entered into the Central Illinois' Biggest Loser contest. I know I wasn't going to be chosen as a contestant because I'm not severely overweight. Of course I can stand to lose about 30lbs, but I'll be okay if I lose 20lbs. So, I was surprised when one of the gyms who is a major sponsored mailed me a free 3 week membership. I was so happy. Now I can shower at the gym legit instead of at the community college. You may wonder why I workout at the Y and not shower. Well, it's because when you go to the Y you don't need to sign in to get to the aerobics class. You can simply walk in and go. However, to get to the shower, you need to sign in. So, I went to Zumba class today and sat in the sauna and then took a nice hot shower.

Paycheck issues

I checked my bank and no direct deposit. I checked the mail and no check. So I went to the office to figure out what happened to my paycheck.

Well, it had been mailed, so it's probably late in the mail. I could have sworn I signed up for direct deposit. This is for my temporary job, by the way. So I signed up today. I hope it comes tomorrow because I've already got the money allotted. I need to pay my phone bill, rent a motel, pay my tithes, room for the night and by some stuff for work.

Father, you blessed me to be healed, now I need you to bless my financial situation.

I was able to pay on my car note. I only paid $150. The payment was $220 and I paid $30 previously. Hopefully, that would hold me until next pay period. I was also able to $20 in gas. I hope this can hold me the rest of the week. I"m gonna watch how much I drive.

Cold Weather

The temperature has dropped. I had a hard time sleeping because my feet were so cold. I bundled up nicely, but for some reason the 3 layers of socks weren't working. I want to buy some of those faux ugg boots that are super warm. I'm not sure where I will find the cheapest, but I'll try Payless and Walmart. The fur lined boots may be better at keeping my feet warm at night. When I turned on my car this morning the temperature simply said "ICE." LOL. That meant it was really cold. When it finally showed the actual temperature it said 29 degrees. I was warm except for my feet.

I was gonna sleep at Walmart last night, but when I pulled into the parking lot two cars pulled up next to me. There were teenage boys in one car and teen girls in the other car. They decided to sit and talk to each other for about an hour. By the time I decided to leave it was midnight and I wasn't thinking straight. I left the city and came back home to sleep at the hotel parking lot. I was so tired.

When I woke up this morning, I remembered that I left my stuff in the locker room at the community college in the other city. Dag, I'm not supposed to work in the other city again until next Tuesday. It would be okay if I hadn't left my iron. I can always go to Walmart to get some soap and toothbrush. But I really can't afford to buy a new iron. Dag. Now I'm gonna have to drive all the way back to the other city to get my stuff. Of course paying for the gas would be the same as paying for the iron, but I've got my other stuff there too. I can't believe I didn't think to get it before I left. But my plans were to stay there for the night. Had it not been for those teens I would have stayed. I just didn't know where else to park. Maybe I could have parked at a large hotel in the other city. I didn't think about that. Aw man.

2nd Interview

I've got a call for a second interview today. I"m so happy!!!!!!!!

I have to call to set a dates and time. Basically, the supervisor will be on vacation next week and the following week the staff will be in a training. So that leaves the week of Nov 22 or Nov 29. That means I will be working part time for a few more weeks, but that's ok. My goal is a home for Christmas.

I did check out Craiglist for possible roommates. I think I'm gonna call a few people to see if they are legit.

I believe in Miracles

I went to the ER last night at the urging of my mother. I went to a different hospital than before. The staff were wonderful. The service was fast. However, I did not know that hospital staff didn't use latex gloves. Maybe it interferes with what they need to do, but I had to be stuck by 4 different needs and each time none of the staff used gloves. I even had to take an aspirin and she didn't have gloves on. I started to ask her if her hand were clean. But should have I too? It's a hospital. Do you know how many germs are in hospitals. People die from illnesses they get while in the hospital!!

I had to have a arterial blood gas done which is excruciatingly painful. They have to draw the blood from one of the most oxygen rich sources which happens to be the radial artery in the wrist. However, the artery is not on the surface, so they have to dig for it. I almost cried when she told me. I've had this done before and the guy had to dig and dig to find the artery. It's done by feel. After he finished the nerve had been damaged because my hand was numb and tingly for about a month. I told the staff this and she said that she'd be careful and that if she couldn't get it she'd stop. Well, she couldn't get it so she had to stop. She got her colleague to come and he got it right on. He was fast and efficient. However, both of my wrist were sore now.

After the blood gas, I got a chest x-ray, and IV connected and then on to a CT scan. Even though all of the service was fast, It was at about 10:30 when the doctor came in to tell me the good news:

NO BLOOD CLOTS!!!

However, I did have pleurisy. The doctor was kind of amazed because he could not hear the fluid in his stethescope. He had to listen to my chest a number of times. I sounded fine, but he saw all the fluid on the CT Scan. He prescribed antibiotics, steroids and pain pills. I didn't take either.

This morning I woke up and I felt wonderful. Cold, but wonderful. No chest pain. I stretched and breathe deeply and there was no pain. I got out to use the restroom in the Walmart and I decided to run back to my car. When I finished running I breathe deeply and there was a little ache, but overall I was fine.

When I told people what I had someone said something about pneumonia. I curse that because I don't accept anything that is not mine.

So I thank God for my miracle. Next time I'm not going to the ER. I wasted more money doing that.

I'm Having Chest Pains

I tutor a high school girl after church on Tuesdays and when I was leaving last night, I did a little stretch and noticed that there was an ache in my chest. I ignored it.

This morning, I got up at 7:29am. The sun was beaming and when I peaked up there was a guy sitting in his car not far from me and I didn't want to just get out of my car that I had been sleeping in because he was an employee of Walmart and I don't want them to kick me off the lot if they find out I'm there. So I just ducked down and waited and waited and waited. He didn't leave until close to 8am. He was just sitting in his car. I knew I should have gotten up earlier, but I was so tired. I didn't get to sleep until after 11.

When I finally got up there was massive pain in my chest. Ugh. I moved to the right--pain. I loved to the left--pain. I breathe in and out--pain. At first I thought it was from the way I was sleeping all curled up, but as the day went on, I was sure that's not what it was. At lunch time I called my doctor to see if I could come to the office and he basically told me to go to the ER because he didn't have the equipment to diagnose me, especially since I have a history of Pulmonary Embolism. I told him that I had a pain in my calf about a week ago and went to the ER and they sent me away with a prescription for Tylenol with Codeine. He said it was up to be, but because of my symptoms, I should go to the ER.

It's 6:18pm and I have not gone to the ER. I emailed the Elders of my church and my Pastors and told them what was going on. I asked them for their prayers. I also emailed me my mom because three days ago I asked her to tell me the story about how God healed my sister from asthma. She is totally cured (well that was until she started smoking when she got to the Marines). She didn't have to take any more medication, inhalers, steroids, nothing because my mom prayed for her and believed that God would heal her.

So I believe God. I have no option. I have no insurance and if they admit me to the hospital I can't work. If I don't work, I don't have money.

If you are a believer, stand with me in prayer for my healing.

In other news, my fasting is going well. I bought pears and a few cans of vegetable soup and a can of lentils. The vegetable soup was so good. I did buy a can of chicken breast to add too it because I wanted some protein. But it was wonderful.

The Weather

There used to be a time I would pray and tell God that I wasn't ready for it to be cold yet and in those times, the weather would stay nice. Then there were times when I'd tell God that I really wanted the cold weather and sure enough it would get bitterly cold. Of course some may argue that it wasn't just because I prayed that the weather responded the way that it did, but I always thanked God for hearing me and I believe that He did that for me.

Now I believe that He's allowing the weather to be bearable just for me. In my city that have an event for homeless awareness called "Box City." People would experience what it would be like being homeless and sleeping on the street. I was never interested in participating because I knew what it was like being homeless. Even though this is the first time that I've been homeless as an adult, this isn't the first time that I've been homeless.

When I was in the 4th grade. We got home from school and my mom told me and my sister to pack our things and that we were leaving. We ended up in a homeless shelter. I never knew why until a couple of years later, I found a letter my mom wrote for help. I said that my dad had threatened my mom and that she was afraid of him and that she needed to get away from him. I'm not sure if that's true or not because at that time I had never witnessed my dad be violent against my mom. The second time we were homeless was when I was a senior in high school. That summer I was at school at Eastern Illinois University. I was attending a summer program for soon to be seniors. I was having a wonderful time and I called home and was told that we were moving. The landlord had sold the house and we needed to get out by a certain time and my mom didn't have the money to move us anywhere else, so she moved us to my grandmothers. Because I wasn't there, I didn't know that everyone was sharing one room in my grandmothers house. At that time there was 8 of us--6 children, my mom and my dad. My dad would leave and I'm not sure where he would stay. When I got home from summer school my mom decided that it was too crowded so she packed the youngest children up and took them to a shelter. She allowed me and my sister to stay with grandma. It wasn't until late September that we found a place that we could afford to live.

So, sleeping in box city was not something that I needed to be aware of. Had it not been for my grandma, that would have been us. Box city is usually in November and I could remember one November when it was so bitter that it seemed your breath would freeze. I couldn't imagine even the ones who were going to sleep out there, how they managed. Now I know. They manage the best way they can.

Anyway, I thank God that He is keeping the weather warm so that I can manage in my car until I get my place.

I expect a miracle!!

Every time I work in the other city I also find myself praying fervently before I get there. Basically because the office is a little hostile. My boss stood over me and yelled at me for making a mistake. Ever since then I have a little bit of anxiety going in.

Another reason for my anxiety this week is because I hadn't worked since Tuesday and I knew that I didn't finish my project. I wasn't on purpose it was just that I was supposed to work Wednesday afternoon, but my supervisor told me not to come in at all. I started to tell her that I would be there to finish the project, but at the time I was too tired from working at the temp job and I didn't want to have to drive all that way anyway so I just left it at that. She called me on Thursday to finish the project. However, something got screwed up on Saturday. Two extra people showed up. It was confusing, but I got through it and went about my day quietly because I didn't want to get yelled at again.

When my supervisor left for lunch I got a call asking about a position and I directed the person to the website. I decided to check the website myself to see what was posted.

I was shocked to see that my position was posted. Yes, the very job that I was doing. I'm sure they weren't hiring an extra person because if they needed an extra person they'd just add to my hours. I returned to the site to see it again to make sure that I wasn't just imagining things.

After the initial shock wore off, I got kind of nervous. What am I gonna do for money? I need to pay my car note because that's my only shelter. I was a little paralyzed and I had to make myself do my work. When I got to lunch the only thing I could think to do was to pray. I did and then I needed some "pick me up" music. So I listed to the Clark Sisters old school song, "Miracle."

By the time my lunch was over I felt better. I just kept telling God that I trust Him. My car is my only shelter and I can't lose it, so I believe that he will make a way for me to keep it. I also looked up some scriptures:

John 14:1 The Message Bible
Don't let this throw you. You trust God, don't you? Trust me.
This was Jesus talking to the His disciples.

1 Peter 5:7 The Amplified Bible
7Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns,once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.

So, that's what I did. I put my trust in Him and I told Him about my worries and my anxieties and that I need HIm to make a way for me.

Fasting

I decided to fast today. There are two reason why.

1. My homeless diet is horrible and I think I'm constipated. I'm not sure how to tell. I've never been constipated before. As a matter of fact, my diet was pretty healthy, despite the fact that Little Debbie is my best friend. I love to eat vegetables and fruit. My favorite meal is beans and smoked turkey which is which I ate all summer along with lots of cherries, peaches, plums, and pears. My other favorite food is a chicken bacon club sandwich. The chicken is grilled and there are only two pieces of bacon so it's pretty healthy. However, because I have no kitchen to cook I have to rely on foods that are preparation free. Lately, I've been eating a lot of pizza from Caseys Super Store, hot dogs and rollarbites from gas stations, chips, fried chicken from Walmart. My system doesn't like it because I can't go to the bathroom. It feels like I need to go and I'm sure I really do NEED to go, but I can't. I bought prunes and two apples to help me go. Normally, I do #2 at least once a day. I think it's been two days now and no #2. This can't be good. Thus the need to fast. When I fast I only eat raw fruits and vegetables and I drink plenty of water. This will cleanse my system.

2. I need to improve my spiritual life. I've an avid church goer and I love to read my Bible when I actually sit down to read it. I also love to pray when I actually take the time to spend in prayer. I also love to hear God and lately I haven't been hearing him. There was a time when God would tell me something and it would be the perfect thing to do. This year however, I haven't been hearing much and when He does tell me something, I ignore it because I seem to have forgotten what His voice sounds like. I haven't really talked to him in a while besides my daily prayer to keep me safe in my car at night.

So fasting will help me to unclog my bowels and my spirit.

On yesterday at church my pastor preached about having a solid foundation. One thing that he talked about was how many times people are warned before their fall. For example, King David sinned by sleeping with Bathsheba and killing her husband and taking her to be his wife. God send the prophet Nathan to tell him about himself and instead of King David getting puffed up, he repented. As he was talking I remembered earlier this year when I was struggling with a bad relationship and bad decisions that I had made and I was being overwhelmed by the situations that I was in. However, my spiritual mom who is a prophet called me into a meeting and said that God showed her that I was like a garment that has a string hanging off of it; and when you pull the string the fabric unravels and if you keep pulling, it unravels until there is no garment. She said that I need to cut the string and not allow the situations that I was going through to destroy me. Well, I heard what she said, but instead of focusing on getting myself together I just focused on the problems that I was facing. For about two months, I was spaced out. I went to work, I was meeting and talking with people, but in my mind I was on vacation. Mentally, I couldn't handle everything that was going on so my focus left God and went to running away from my life. In the end I lost everything--I unraveled. So now I've got to pick up the pieces and start over. So, fasting will help me to do that; it will help me to regain my focus so that I won't lose it all again.

I thank God that He loves me enough to give me another chance to get it right!!

Wonderful Interview

I was so tired yesterday because a former student called me to ask if I could pick her up for work at 10. By the time I got back to the hotel parking lot it was 11 and by the time I got to the back seat it was close to 11:30. I woke up this morning at 3am. Not sure why, but I went back to sleep until 5am when I got up to go to morning prayer at 5:30. After prayer I went to the park to sleep for a half and hour and it turned out to be an hour instead, so I was a little nervous because that meant I only had an hour to get dressed for my interview at 9am.

I got back to the hotel a little after 8 and gathered my things to go to the restroom to wash up. I wanted a shower, but I didn't have time to go all the way to the community college and make it back downtown for my interview in time. Plus, I didn't want to run into any security at the college, so I just opted to wash up in the bathroom at the hotel.

Once inside I was washing away when I heard noise in the hallway. I was a little nervous and decided to skip the ironing just in case a staff member was coming along to knock on the door. I'm glad I did decide to not iron my suit (which was already ironed but I wanted to make sure that it was crisp) because when I got back to my car, it was 8:44. My interview was at 9 and I was about 10 minutes away from downtown. I got to the building at 8:56--just enough time to put my make-up on and take the elevator up. I didn't like the fact that I had my hair up and no earrings, but I had on make-up so it was all good.

When I got to the interview, Gloria was so nice. She did most of the talking and when things were winding down she told me that this was a pre-screening interview and that there would be another group interview. She also told me the position pays between $35 & $40K. I was shocked. Because this is a nonprofit organization I was sure it would be on the lower end, like $25-$30. She also told me that she is looking to have someone in place by mid-November, therefore, she will be calling for second interviews by the end of this week.

She did mention that I applied for the other position and I told her that I really like this one better. Right before the end of the interview I listed for her my qualifications that fit the position:

1. B.S. in Health Education, so this goes along with the health and wellness specifications of the position.
2. Teaching degree so this goes along with the teaching and curriculum development portion of the position. Also, I told her that I developed curriculum for another organization.
3. Experience working with the mental health because I've taught and worked on call at a residential group home for youth and all of them were on some type of medication.

One thing that she mentioned quite a few times was that she is also looking for someone to coordinate the program once she leaves because she is currently retired, but because she wrote the grant she was asked to come back to assist with getting it started. She stated that she is looking to leave before the end of the year. So, I took the opportunity to mention to her that I coordinated an after school program where I supervised up to 12 teachers and recreational staff.

When I finished the interview, I went down to talk to my friend who works in the same building. I told her about the interview and when I mentioned that I interviewed with Gloria, she lit up. She told me that She has known her, her husband and children for years. She grew up with her children, spent a lot of time when them at her house and that she has always been friends with the family. She told me that she was gonna call her as soon as I left to tell her that we were friends and to give me a good reference. I had already put this friend down as a reference anyway.

So, I'm excited about the opportunity! This will definitely get me into a place to live before the holiday.

You look familiar

I was working my temp job on Friday. My assignment was to scan some documents. My contact told me that it would probably take me until 1pm. It took me until 4pm. When I got to the desk there were two stacks of paper about a foot high. My job was to put the paper in order by date starting September 1. Then I was to unstaple them and then scan. It took me two hours to order the forms. Then it took me 3 hours to destaple. My fingers hurt from the staple remover. Then it took me 2 hours to scan all that paper.

Right before lunch time, I woman came to the desk in from of mine, I glanced up and realized that it was Jan. She was my Link program mentor.

Two summers ago this company sponsored 12 teachers attending their Link program. Throughout this two program all the teachers were taking through internships at the company. We got to learn everything about the company in hopes that we could pass the information along to our students to assist them with their career development. Our mentors was supposed to communicate with us throughout the year to get updates on how we used the information in our classroom. Jan and I kept missing each other, so we never got to talk. Now here she was standing in front of me and I was too embarrassed to speak. So I kept working on my destapling.

After lunch I got back to do my scanning. Jan came in to the copy and I kept wondering if she remembered me or if I was just a familiar face. I hoped for the latter. On Wednesday a lot of the staff kept telling me my name sounded familiar. Yeah, I am familiar. I just kept telling them that I had been there before. I didn't tell them that I'd rode on their companies private jet two years ago with the Sr. VP. I didn't tell them that I participated in their companies first Link program for teachers and they paid me to participate.

Can I See Your Student ID

I drove quite a bit last night to find a place to park to sleep. At first I went to Walmart, but there was way too much traffic. Also, as I was scoping out the lot, there was an Impala driving around the lot. It never parked, so I was uncomfortable settling in for the night. So, I drove to the other Walmart and there was a party on the lot. No stopping there. So I went to the hotel lot and I was too nervous to park there because I'm still haunted by SS Monte Carlo guy, so I drove back to both Walmarts before I finally got back to the hotel lot. How many miles did I drive? I google mapped it and found that I drove about 60 miles to find somewhere to park. It's about 10 miles from one Walmart to the next and about 10 miles to the hotel and I drove around the circle twice. What a waste of gas.

I finally settled in at the hotel and had the strangest dream. I can't remember it, but at about 7am I heard car doors closing and I peaked up and there was a car parked right next to me. Of all the car spaces, the person had to park next to me. Dag. The lot only had about 8 cars on it and I parked all the way in the back and the car just had to park all the way in the back next to me. So instead of sleeping until 8 I was and at 'em. First stop, the gas station across the street to pee. Next stop, the gym. I've been eating horribly, so working on was on my to do list this morning. After the gym I headed to the community college to shower.

When I got to the college, I walked in and passed by the security guard. She was with another person. I simply spoke and headed towards the locker room. As I was using the restroom, someone came in, "Security," I heard the woman say. I was a little confused. Why would a woman security guard exclaim, "Security," when she's coming into the women's locker room? I simply said I was in the restroom. She asked me if she could see my student ID when I came out. My mind went blank and I simply said ok. When I got out, I washed my hands and went over to my bag to look for my wallet. I wasn't sure what I was gonna do when I found it, but I searched and searched and it wasn't in my bag. I told her that I must have left it at home. I asked her if there was any particular reason why and she stumbled over her words. She then told me that next time I needed to make sure that I had it with me. I said ok and right before she left, she asked me for my name. Not thinking I told her my name. When she left, I became nervous. Why didn't I use the actual student's name that I use to get the locker? Aw man.

I sat and sat. My mind was rushing. All I kept thinking was that she was gonna call the cops on me and they were going to escort me off the premises. So, I did what I had to do. I found the security guard and confessed that I wasn't a student, but I had no place to shower. Tears were flowing down my face and I was hoping that she wouldn't tell me to get my things and go. She simply thanked me for being honest and asked me if I could make it there earlier on Saturday because the gym closes at 10 and she didn't want to get in trouble with her boss for not locking up when it closed. She mentioned something about me being a liability and some other stuff. I was too happy that she wasn't going to kick me out and I was also trying to figure out how I could ask her to keep this between me and her. I didn't want the entire security team to know my business. It's not quite the thing you want everyone to know. So I told her that I just didn't want everyone to know my business. She said she'd keep it between us.

When I got back into the locker room. I was so overwhelmed. This was the first time I spoke the words out loud. I just sat and cried. For the first time I cried about my situation. I was so busy trying to stay strong and positive that I didn't make the time to feel sad or sorry for myself. At this specific moment I was sad. While crying the locker room door came open and it was the security guard again. She came to tell me not the feel ashamed, that she wasn't too far from being homeless herself if she didn't have her job. Of course I know that there are a lot of people who are simply one paycheck away from living on the streets. After my pity party I got up, showered, got my dirty clothes out of my locker and went on by my day.

As the day was going on I figured that it would be a good day to get a hotel room. I checked in at 5. The room was $45 a night. Of course I was gonna use the money to pay my storage for this month, but I can skip that this month. I used $15 to get food and to wash my clothes. I also spent $7 on a dryel kit. I really need my clothes dry cleaned, but I can't afford that.

I'm settled into the hotel room. It's funny, I've been sleeping in my car so long that I forgot that I normally sleep in PJs.

Kermit Homeless

Job Interview

I submitted an application online yesterday for the position of Community Support Specialist. I just did it on a whim. I was gonna email my resume, but I didn't. At about 4:30 today, I checked my vmail and there was a message asking me if I could interview for the Health and Wellness Coach position. I'm not sure what that is, but I"m going on Monday at 9am.

I looked the position up and here is the description:

Wellness Coach – who will develop individualized wellness plans and work with clients on an individual as well as group basis with primary focus on coaching them to improve health and wellness. These activities will include exercise and fitness, nutrition, smoking cessation, stress management, weight management etc.

I'm good about everything except the weight management. I'm about 30-40 lbs overweight. My ideal weight is between 150 and 160. I stepped on the scale today and it hit 190. Over the last few months I've gained 10lbs. I used to be a steady 182lbs. but being homeless has caused me to eat horribly. Also, since I'm not going to the gym because of my work schedule, my weight is escalating. I wonder if they would look past the few extra pounds that I've acquired.

This sounds like a job that I could enjoy and it could help me boost my weight loss plan.

In other good news, my brother had an interview today at Chuck E Cheese. I was so happy for him. He was so unhappy about his birthday. He said that the interview went well and that now he has to meet with the manager on Tuesday. I told him that was a good thing. I hope he gets the job. He needs something to keep him occupied outside of school.

Peace

Being homeless is not the best time of my life. It's not the worse either, but through it all, I am so grateful for my faith. Because of my faith, I keep the hope that tells me that my tomorrow will be better. I thank God for my life and for His word that gives me peace during this trying time!!! Thank God for the peace that passes all understanding. There are someone people who may find themselves in very difficult situations who may cave under the pressure, but I thank God for strenght to keep standing!!!

2 Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place.

I will come out of this triumphantly and I will be able to tell my story to help someone else who may be or will struggle to know that it can and will get better.

How the mighty falls

I work for a staffing service and as I review applications that come in I always notice the applicant's previous income levels. There was one man who came in and his salary at his previous job was $75,000. He was now applying for a job that pays $9 an hour. Sometimes I feel sad when I look at this because I see myself and how my gross income last year was about $57,000 and now I'm working part time for $13 and taking temporary jobs for less than that. Also, the jobs that I'm applying for are only making about half that amount. The last position I applied for stated that the salary would be $1051 biweekly. That's about $25,000 a year. Of course I"m not oppossed to making that, but it just makes me feel like I'm either going backwards or starting all over.

10 years ago, when I joined the workforce, I was fresh out of college and making $28,000 as a new teacher. I was laid off and went to work for a community college as an academic advisor. The salary was around $25,000 but that didn't include my health insurance which when added to my salary would be around $28,000. When I left there, I was making about $29,000. I went to teach again and I was making about $35,000. My last two years of teaching I was making over $50,000 because not only was I teaching, but I was also coordinating supplemental programs. Of course my job required me to work so many hours that I got burned out that I just wanted out and I got out. I left to make $2700 a month which would have been over $30,000 a year. I was happy with that because my schedule was flexible and I was doing what I loved to do. Now I'm in a situation where I don't know what I want to do. My heart is in working with nonprofits, however, do I compromise what I want to do just for money? I applied for a teaching position at a University and I could see myself there, however, I wasn't sure if that's where my heart was. The last job I applied for was a community position. I can see myself there, but the salary was on the lower end.

My prayer at church last night was not just for a job, but for a job that I can make an impact and a difference in. I want to do something meaningful. I want to provide a service, make someone's life better. That would be the perfect job. Of course, I'd want to be compensated so that I could be comfortable.

So, today when I went to the temp job there were quit a few people who were there who recognized my name. I simply said that I had been there before. What I didn't tell them was that the Sr. VP took me and another teacher to Washington D.C. on the companies private jet about 2 years ago. The news of that was all over the company my picture was in everyone's inbox at the company. I also didn't tell them that two summers ago the company gave me a scholarship to attend their program for teachers. My name and picture was in there news articles. I'm not sure if anyone there cares to look me up, but if they put two and two together they can figure out that I was once a golden star to their company because of my work between them and the school district, but now I was a lowly temporary employee. It's quite humbling.

Made a Way

I was so frustrated about my decision on yesterday to book a new job during my work schedule. However, sometime last night, it came to me--simply ask the job prospect if you can leave early. They only wanted me to work temporary anyway. So that's what I did. I went in, met my contact, told her up front that I had a schedule for the afternoon, I apologized and she said that it was fine. I think I apologized about 4 times. I emailed my job and asked my boss if I could come in a few hours later and she called me to tell me that I didnt' need to come in. That was a relief.

So, I started the temp job and they had me cleaning out cabinets. Boy was it manual labor. I was hot and tired. I was gonna tell them I could stay the entire day, but I was so tired by noon, that I decided to take the rest of the time off. It was a good thing that I did because a friend needed me to help her with a report. So, I have about 36 work hours for this week. Thank God for making a way.

I was reading www.sheshomeless.tumblr.com and she talks about renting cheap hotels. I think I'm gonna check that out. I'm gonna have to count my pennies though because I have to pay my car note this month. I only paid $30 last month. Also, I need to pay my phone bill and do laundry. The only thing about renting cheap motels is that I'm afraid of bedbugs. There is one cheap motel here that is about $29 a night and I'm so afraid of what it looks like on the inside. I don't want to be grossed out. Of course if it gets any colder that's what I'm gonna have to do.

Living in my car is proving to be not all that bad, however, I wish there was some place that I can store my clothes neatly. It's hard having to search for clothes out of my trunk. The other day when my battery died, I had to take all my stuff out of my trunk because the battery for my car is in my trunk. By the time I put everything back it was a huge mess. Also, it get's difficult trying to stuff all my things in my trunk along with my shoes, coats, laundry supplies, and my blanket and pillow. My car is so junky. Sometimes I run out of time and leave the stuff on my seat. I'm sure people look at my car and wonder why I have blankets and a pillow.

Anyway, I thank God for making a way when I didn't see no way out. Little blessings like that continue to increase my hope and faith that by the time the holidays roll around I will have a place to call home.

Dilemma

I got a call from a job prospect on this morning and they wanted me at the company at 1pm today. However, I was 45 miles away so I couldn't just make a change like that. So she asked me if I was available on tomorrow until the end of this week. I told her I was, but I failed to mention that I'm supposed to be at work on tomorrow at 11am. I went throughout the day today trying to figure out how I was gonna get out of it. Well, at lunch time I parked at the university down the street and moving too quickly, I left my keys turned in the ignition and by the time my lunch break was over, my car wouldn't start. The battery had died. I walked down the block back to work was gonna tell my supervisor that I had car trouble so I wouldn't be able to make it to work, but I knew it was just the battery so I didn't want to have to fib like that. Now, I'm gonna have to tell the job prospect that I can't make it. Why do I do that--put my foot in my mouth. I could have simply told her that I couldn't make it until Thursday, but I wanted her to know that I was available and now I put her in a bind because now she has to find someone to replace me. UGH!!! Why couldn't I just be honest?? Dag. I'm gonna have to call the job prospect and my contact in the morning to tell them I can't make it.

Wrinkled Clothing

I arrived in the other city on Sunday night because it didn't make sense for me to wake up early to drive here for work when I could just spend the night and not have to get up so early. When I got to the community college the next morning to shower, I realized that I left my iron in the car. As I was putting my clothes back on to go back outside to get it, I realized that I hadn't left it in the car, but I had left it at church on Sunday--45 miles away. Oh, boy. I had to rack my brain to figure out what I would wear that didn't show wrinkles. I remembered a dress that I had that would be perfect and sure enough when I got back to my car, I slipped it on and went to work. However, today has posed a challenge. I searched and searched my trunk to find something else that wasn't wrinkled and I found a really cute black and white top and I was thinking that I could put it over the same dress it when I did it was a disaster, so this morning, I searched and searched again and found a nice black skirt that wasn't as wrinkled. I think I can get away with it because my top is long and it goes to my mid-thigh, so most of the wrinkles will be covered. I got word that the regional manager would be at my job today, so I must be absolutely presentable.

On yesterday I also realized that I had left my bath towel in my locker in the other city. Air drying when it's cold is not fun, but I managed. Today, as I rambled through my trunk I found a bag with more clothes in it. I shuffled through and found another bath towel. Thank God. I don't like having to walk through the locker room au naturale; even though no one is usually there.

Good Blog

I love reading blogs. I've actually been blogging since 2003. My other blog has pictures of me and really gives details on myself. However, I write this blog anonymously because I don't want any of my friends, whom some read my blog, to know my situation.

I'm always looking for other blogs to read and I ran across a girl who is in a similar situation as me.

Check it out;

http://sheshomeless.tumblr.com/

Grooming

Normally I would get my nails and feet done about once a month. I would either go to a salon or do them myself. However, specific grooming like manicuring and pedicuring has become difficult now that I'm homeless. I'm not a high maintenance girl, so I don't have to have my nails and hair done weekly, but I do like to maintain basic grooming and the dead skin and excessive cuticles are starting to bother me. My nails don't look horrible, but the hangnails and shaggy cuticles are becoming an issue. Also, I have dead skin on my feet, beds of my toenails that really need to be dealt with. Of course I've noticed it for a while, but it was magnified when I went to the emergency room and had to take my socks off and they had to touch my feet and my toes. I'm sure the roughness was not pleasant.

I really wish I could get a bucket and my home spa tools and get to work. Polish would be nice also.

2 Hour Drive

On Saturday night, I was a little apprehensive about where to park to sleep, so I ended up on the lot at the hospital. It seemed like a good place since the college parking lot was empty. I guess the cleaning people don't clean on Saturday. So, I parked and kept hearing people talk, so I never settled into my back seat like normally. I just left the seat back, put my jacket over myself and closed my eyes. Everything was good until I was jolted up by a knock on my window. I was so scared, but when I got up, it was a man in a city police uniform. I looked back and there was the security vehicle. I don't know if someone called security of if they just rode by and saw me with my seat back, but he was inquiring why I was chilling in my car. I lied and told him I was waiting on someone to get off work. I didn't know what else to say. He simply said ok and got back into the vehicle. Shortly afterwards a few people did get off work, so I pretended to drive up to the door like I was waiting for someone. It was horrible. After leaving there I drove to the Walmart, but for some reason groups of people like to hang out in the parking lots at Walmart. Why? I have no idea, so I couldnt' park there. Then I drove to hotel that I usually park at, but there was some kind of event there and as I was driving around I heard a lot of people so I didn't stop. It took me two hours of driving to finally get to a different Walmart across town to park. I was so mad. It was now after midnight and I was so tired. I didn't want to repeat of last Sunday so I prayed to God that I wake up early so that I could get dressed for church. I needed to get up early because I spent hours doing my hair and it needed to dry over night. It was hard to find hand dryers in the bathrooms to dry my hair.

When I got up Sunday morning, I headed to the community college and was surprised to see there was a motorcycle class going on. That was fine by me, the more cars in the parking lot the better. It doesn't draw attention to me. However, I couldn't make it to the locker room because the gym was closed on Sundays. So I settled for the first bathroom. However, I didn't want to wash up there because I knew the motorcycle students would be using that bathroom. I was fortunate that this bathroom had a locker room for the nursing students, but there were only lockers in the locker room. I guess it's used for them to change from their street clothes to their scrubs. So, I put my clothes and iron in one of the lockers and ventured to a different bathroom to wash up. Everything was okay until I heard someone coming. I quickly grabbed by things and went into the handicap stall. Someone simply reached into the door and turned the light off. I guess it's securities job to keep all lights off and that's what she did, turned the light off. It was cool because I still had enough to light to finish my wash up.

After washing up, I headed back to the bathroom with the locker room to iron my clothes, but when I opened the door there was a curling iron plugged up and toiletry bags on the sink. Someone was in the stall. I assumed this person was getting dressed, so I excused myself to my car to wait until the person came out. When she got out she sat in her car in the parking lot. Another homeless person???? I'm not sure, but she didn't leave. She actual let her seat down and went to sleep.

When I got back into the locker room, I ironed, did my hair, and headed to church. Service was wonderful. Pastor prayed for everyone, even the homeless. I thanked God for his prayers.

This week I'm working in another city, so instead of driving around to find somewhere to sleep, I just went to my usual spot on the lot at the Walmart in the other city. At this Walmart, I usually park in the side of the lot facing the highway. This is the area where the employees park. It's not too far from where the semi-trucks park. Also, there are a few cars who park close to the semi's. I also see campers parking there. I feel more comfortable there.

Fortunately the weather here has been wonderful for October. On Saturday it was almost in the 80's At night, it doesn't get too far past 45 degrees. I thank God for that because even thought that's cold, it's not unbearable and I sleep under 3 layers--two blankets and fur lined, full length suede coat.

I'm only working 3 days this week, so I'm going to be short on cash. I emailed a job prospect and she said she hadn't heard anything about the job. I also prayed that I get a job that I applied for and I will be applying for others today.

Emergency Room

I have a history of massive PE, more specifically called Pulmonary Embolism. So, I was very cautious when at 5pm on yesterday I had a mild pain in my calf. It came out of nowhere. I wasn't working out, I was running up stars, I didn't have an injury or accident or anything. I was just sitting, figuring my taxes and I got up and the pain was there. I ignored it, but at about 9pm last night, the pain worsened and caused me to limp. I looked at the symptoms for DVT--Deep Vein Thrombosis which is one cause for PE. One of the symptoms was pain the the calf and swollen ankles. I had both symptoms. Also, when a person is immobilized for a long period such as travelling, there is a risk. However, that's now where I got PE. Mine was due to a surgery which is another common risk factor.

Consequently, at about 11pm, when the pain was causing me to be very uncomfortable, I called my doctor's office after hours number. I gave the woman my symptoms and she said, after mentioning that I couldn't be diagnosed over the phone, that she would call the doctor. At midnight, the pain was unbearable and I was so nervous that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, that I went into the emergency room. I was already in the parking lot. My plan was to sleep in the lot. I was nervous walking in because of all the cars in the lot, but when I got inside there was no one there. I was seen right away. Kelly, the PA sent for a ultra sound and I was praying and praying that I wouldn't have to stay in the hospital and that I wouldn't die. The ultrasound came back negative. No blood clots in my leg. So why does my calf hurt so bad? I have no idea and neither does the doctor. She prescribed tylenol with codeine for the pain and told me to call back on Monday for a follow up. Why would I follow up with them if they can't figure out what's wrong with me?

Of course I left disappointed because now I was gonna have a major hospital bill that I can't afford all because of some stupid pain in my calf that today is still there.

For some reason when I sit for a long period of time it flares up and is excruciating. I have to get up and walk around to keep it from hurting so badly.

I pray that God heal me because I can't afford to be sick.

Paying Taxes

On April 15, I filed and extension for my taxes because I thought I was gonna have to pay close to $200 because I cashed out my retirement fund. So I sent them $20 and an extension form. Well, today is the deadline and I just spent the last 2 hours working on them and I found out that I only have to pay $35 in federal taxes thanks to over $11,000 in charitable giving from 2009. I'm able to itemize my deductions. Thank you Jesus.

However, as I was going through the paperwork, it looks like I may have mistakenly filed my taxes back in February. I'm not sure how though. I have an e-file form from when I was working on my taxes in April. I could have sworn that I checked, do not file. Ugh! So I'm on the phone with the IRS trying to talk to a customer service representative. *Just spoke with IRS CSR and he stated that I did file an extension only. Thank you God, I didn't want to have to try to figure out an amendment. All I need to do now is complete my State tax forms and put everything in the mail. I need to find my stamps.

Panhandling

I was leaving work yesterday pretty happy that I was off on Friday when I came to the stop light right before getting on the highway immediately my spirit was troubled. At the stop light was a woman holding a sign that said, "will work for food." I wanted so badly to help her, but I had no money myself, so I kept going. This was the first time I had seen a woman panhandling. Mostly I see guys with what looks that have that homeless look. You know the look--layers of clothing, carrying multiple bags, scruffy and unshaven. This women was normal just like me. She had on regular clothes and gym shoes. In the back of my mind, I wondered if she was mentally ill. I wish I had something to give to her, but I didn't.

When I got back home, I went to Walmart to buy food for the evening, but I sat in teh car for about 30 minutes because the last two times I tried to write a check at Walmart, they were declined. So, I was nervous. Sure enough it was declined. I wanted to write the amount for over so that I could get gas. I prayed and prayed to not run out of gas and fortunately I made it to my destination fine.

This morning, I got up to freezing temperatures. My car thermometer said 45 degrees. My toes was so cold. I had to park at the hotel because I didn't think I had enough gas to go back to the Walmart parking lot. I was scared that I would see the hockey guy again, but I made it through the night. I went to the park to sleep some more, but there were too many cars around so I just sat in the car and took the braids out of my hair. My hair is so dirty, it's pitiful. It took me 3 hours to take it down. I then went to the gas station to get gas and my check was declined again. The lady gave me the number to telecheck and I found out that my check had overdrawn again and she said it would take 14 days for my account to clear. Embarrassing. So I went to another gas station up the street who I knew didn't run checks through a machine. They just stamped them and put them in the register. I was still a little nervous and checked my account online to make sure that I hadn't overdrawn on any checks for this station.

I got to the community college to shower, but I wanted to wash my hair and that took forever. I think I spent over close to 45 minutes in the shower trying to wash my hair. It was so tangled and dirty, but it felt so much better when I got out. The weather is supposed to be really cold again tonight. I'm praying for this new job that I applied for so that I can get a place before it turns frosty. Father God, please hear my prayer!!!!

Changes

This song defines my life right now!

Thank You Cory

I found $9 in my bag, so I used the money to get food for this week, but I knew I was gonna need gas money to get back home and I remembered that I had money on my prepaid visa card, so I didn't think much of it. Well, on today I decided to go to the gas station because the needle was going below "E". I drove up to the Shell where the gas was $2.82 per gallon. They wouldn't take my card because I wanted to prepay and the guy said he couldn't do that. I just think he didn't know how because I haven't been to a gas station that wouldn't allow you to prepay your gas with a credit card. Anyway, I drove a little way up and saw that gas was $2.79 at the Road Ranger. Yay me!! I went in, got a .59 drink and prepaid $8 in gas. I got back to my car to pump and realized that I pushed the wrong button. I stopped the pump, hung it up and went back inside to tell the lady that I needed to get the $2.79 gas, not the $2.97 gas. She told me that since I hung up the pump, she would have to refund the money back onto my card and prepay again. I apologized for the inconvenience and she prepaid again, but of course now I only at $4.36 left on my card because it takes about 24 hours for the charge to clear. She charged the $4.36, but her register said that it didn't go through. So I asked her to try $4 and she said that again it declined.

Now I was in a dilemna. I needed gas and now my card was saying that there was no money. I got online to see what was the problem and my account said that I had been charged the $4.36, so I called customer service and they confirmed that I had been charged.

I went back to the Road Ranger and explained and the lady gave me their supervisor to call. I called and explained, but said said that her POS didn't show that I was charged. She was very pleasant and asked me if I could conference call the customer service for the card so that we could get it straight. We did and she told them to cancel both charges which included the .69 for the drink and the few cent that I had already pumped. Cory at Road Ranger took care of everything and I was happy and able to get gas so that I could return to my home city.

Thanks Cory at Road Ranger!!

10 PM Sale

I went to Walmart on yesterday to park to get some zzzzz because I was extremely tired. I pulled up to the far end of the building in the plaza where the other stores were closed. I sat for a while scoping out the area. There were a lot of people just hanging out in the parking lot. It's odd that people have nothing better to do than to hang out in the Walmart parking lot. So, I sat and noticed a guy sitting in his car a row away from me. Shortly afterwards a car pulled up two spaces over, parked, and the girl got out an ran to Game Stop. She knocked on the door and they let her in. I was thinking that it was probably someone's girlfriend who works there and he was maybe closing up or something. I was wrong because shortly after that a car pulled up and two guys got out to go to Game Stop. They didn't open the door for them, but they waited around. When 10pm came around the lights in the store came on and other cars started pulling up. OMG! There must have been some kind of sale or something because they were pouring in. I had to leave to go to the other Walmart, but instead I went to the community college. I parked in the back with the cleaning staff and sat a while because there was someone in a car sitting in the lot.

The car that was sitting in the lot was waiting on someone and as they left, I hopped in the back and slept the night away. I got up at 6:30 this morning, went to the locker room, showered, and got to work. I was about 5 minutes late because I had to stop by the bank and then drop off an application for a job.

Horrible Night

Last night was horrible. I was too afraid to go back to the hotel, so as I was winding down the evening, I was a little teary eyed because I didn't know what to do. So I decided to park at Walmart. It was crowded and even though I parked far away, I didn't want to be so far away that I was out of place. However, a car pulled up a few rows over and two guys decided to just sit in the car. While sitting a police car approached us and the guys jumped out of the car and headed towards the store and the police rode by the car and turned around and sped out the lot. As the guys watched the police speeding away they quickly returned to their car, checked to see of the police were gone and then sped away. That spooked me so I decided that I couldn't stay at that Walmart, so I headed to the other one across town. When I got there, there was a lot of activity so I didn't feel comfortable, so I left to try to find somewhere to park and sleep. I couldn't find anywhere, so I headed back to the Walmart and as I parked and waited until the activity died down, a black SUV that was parked a few rows over started up and slowly drove away while watching me. I quickly realized that he had been parked sitting in his car. I don't know if he was sleeping in his car or not. He slowly drove away and I watched as he went to the far corner of the lot and parked. I believe he was homeless too. However, at the point I didn't feel comfortable staying there, so I drove back to the first Wal-mart. The entire time that I was driving I was so tired. I hadn't gotten much sleep and my eyes were killing me. So I got back to the first Walmart and parked and there was mild activity, so I waited about a half and hour before everything died down so that I could sleep. I woke up this morning to a few cars parked next to me. It was a little after 7, so I drove into town to find a place to park to sleep. Finally, after about an hour I found a place in the park and napped before my meeting at noon. For October, the weather has been beautiful so the heat in my car didn't allow me to sleep. I had to roll my windows down to get some air.

After my nap, I had to find a place to wash up in, so I headed to the community college. I knew that the locker room would be closed because of Columbus Day, but I found a bathroom to wash myself, iron my clothes and change so that I could make it to my meeting at noon.

It is now 2:45 and I still want to sleep. I really need to catch up on my sleep before work tomorrow. I think I'm going to head back to the park.

10/10/10

Do unto others

On yesterday while I was in Hazelwood visiting my big brother, I stopped to get gas. It was $2.61 vs. $2.89 back home and in the city.

While leaving the store to pump my gas and guy came up, "Ms. Lady, can you spare a couple of dollars, I'm homeless and I need to give this guy some money so he can give me a ride." I didn't think twice before, I reached in my pocket and handed him the bundle of ones I had. I looked behind him and sure enough there was a guy there so I didn't count the money, I just assumed that his story was true. I didn't want to ask questions. He was thanking me and his tone changed when he found out I gave him way more than what he asked. He was so appreciative. Well, I went to pump my gas and I overpaid and went back inside and it looked like the guy was still asking for money. So in the back of my mind I wanted to ask him if he really was gonna use it for gas money, but I didn't. I just kept thinking about if I was in need and I really needed it would someone give it to me. I was taught that you reap what you sow and now that I"m in my situation, I want to make sure that I don't question someone when they have a need. Because it can be humiliating to have to tell someone you are homeless.

I will rejoice

Today started out being a very challenging day.

Where shall I begin?????

I got back home at around 5am from a long evening and night hanging out with my family in my hometown about 120 miles away.  I met my big brother for the first time.  My stepdad has always talked about him and he had pictures of him while we were growing up, but yesterday was our first time meeting.  I planned to stay there the night, however, I knew I wanted to go to church to day, so instead of getting to sleep at 2am and getting up to be on the highway at 6, I decided to just drive home.  I set my phone to wake me up at 8am and when I got up this morning, I spent about a half an hour just sitting in my car because I was too embarrassed to get out while there were people in the parking lot.  Finally at about 8:40 I was able to go get out to get my things to wash up inside the hotel.  However, as I was getting my things, a back SS Monte Carlo passed by me slowly in the parking lot.  The windows were tinted, so I couldn't see who was inside and I simply ignored it until it circled again and rode by my slowly before parking in the back of the lot.  I was still getting my things--clothes to wear to church, underwear, shoes, toiletries, and frantically looking for my pantyhose, when this guy walks past me looking.  He made me a little nervous, but I was more nervous that time was running out and by now it was 9am and I needed to be at church at about 9:45 and I still needed to stop at Walgreens to get panythose.  So I didn't pay any attention to this guy until after I closed my trunk, he walked past and spoke and I simply spoke to him.  He was kind of looking back at me and the closer I got to the hotel the more uneasy I felt because I was unsure why this guy was acting the way he was.  He entered the hotel first and I slowed down so that I didn't have to be that close to him.  As he kept walking, I quickly made my left to go to my usual restroom to wash up, iron my clothes, put my make-up on and get to church.  However, as I was walking down the hallway, I turned to look behind me and the same guy had turned around, and was now walking down the opposite hall while looking at me.  Now I was a little more disturbed, but time was of the essence so I quickly brushed me teeth, disrobed and was getting ready to wash up when I heard a knock on the door.  Oh Boy, now I was nervous.  I was praying to God that I wasn't found out.  I simply said I was in there and quickly put my clothes back on.  I looked at the clock and it was about 9:15.  I gathered my things the best I could, flushed the toilet and walked out, but before turning to go back to my car I looked behind me and saw the same guy outside the door down the hallway.  Now my nerves were in high gear.  Who is this guy and what does he want.  I had never seen him before, obviously he was not a customer or employee of the hotel--What does he want?  I quickly walked down the hall and turned towards the elevators thinking that I could slip out of a different door, but realized he was parked by me, so instead of going out the door I went to a different restroom and decided to wait it out.  But time was running out.  It was 9:20 and I had not washed up or ironed my clothes.  What to do? What to do?  I waited and prayed to God that I didn't run into this guy again and I walked out of the restroom and sure enough right when I was going to turn the corner to dash out the door there he was.  I looked at him and he looked at him.  I simply asked, "You good?" as I was walking past him.  He simply said yes and then asked me why I had asked.  I asked him why he had knocked on the bathroom door.  Of course he said that he hadn't which I knew was a lie, no one else was down that hallway.  No one else goes down that hallway.  I know because I've been washing up in the bathroom down that hallway for about 4 weekends now and I've never run into a customer or employee and he was neither.  He then asked me what I was doing while looking at my bags.  I told him I was minding my own business while I was walking towards the door.  As I was going to my car I noticed the he walked out a different door and was going to his car, but he didn't get in.  He got his phone out and started talking on his phone.  I was thoroughly creeped out.  Thoroughly freaked out and now it was almost 9:30 and I was gonna be late to church which I couldn't be because I did the morning prayer decree.

So I make it church and now I have to rush to get to my office so that I could iron my clothes  No time to wash myself so I simply took the towel that I had washed my face with and wiped my privates.  I wanted to use soap, but I didn't have any water to rinse.  I added deodorant, ironed my clothes and went bare legged to my place.  However, my jacket was still wrinkled.  I was going to stand before all the people with a wrinkled jacket.  I had no time to rummage through my trunk to find something else to wear.  I was so embarrassed.  Not only was I embarrassed, I was shamed.  I felt pitiful.  It was compounded when after service I was asked to come to the front to represent the pastoral committee that I served on.  OMG!!!!!

So, now I'm mortified and scared to go back to the hotel.  I'm extremely exhausted because I have not gotten any sleep.  I've been racking my brain about other placed to go to sleep.  The only thing I can think of is Walmart or one of the other hotels.  I've been asking God for direction and God is wonderful because he hears me when I pray, I'm just not hearing an answer.

So, the title of this post is "I will rejoice" because I'm not going to allow it to frustrate me or make me depressed even though I am sad about right now.  I'm going to find one of my favorite praise songs and demand that I will have a wonderful day.

Tired

Sleeping in my car is taking a toll on my rest.  I have a hard time staying asleep all night because of the cold and the concern for my safety.  I woke up this morning and found my ankles to be swollen because of the way I sleep.  My legs are cramped because I don't have enough room.  I'm gonna have to empty my trunk and let the seat down so that I can stretch out while I sleep.

I need to look at my finances to see if I"m able to make my car payment soon.  So far, gas is burning a lot of money.

I haven't heard anything from the two jobs I applied for.  I'm going to apply for more by the end of this week.  My brothers b-day was yesterday and I want to send him some money to cheer him up.

Bday Blues

My little brother is turning 16 on tomorrow and he has the blues.  He was supposed to come to live with me in August, but I had to tell him that he couldn't come.  Of course I didn't tell him that I was homeless, but he was sad.

My family is not very supportive.  They are actually hostile and slightly abusive.  Not physically, but mentally.  I had to leave home at 17 because I couldn't take it anymore.  I had gotten severely depressed and I prayed to God for a solution and that was the first time I heard God speak to me.  He told me to ask my mom if I could live with my grandmother and my life changed when I moved.  So, I know how he feels.  He wants to be a happy teenager, but he can't because of my family.  I pray for him and my heart hurts because I screwed up and I can't help him.  I prayed and asked God to forgive me because I need to be able to help my family but I can't because I can't even help myself.  Every time I talk to him he's upset that his bday is coming and he's not happy. Sweet 16 is supposed to be special and I pray that he have a good day on tomorrow, but I pray more that God help me so that I can help him.  I told him that I would be sending him a gift.  My goal is to send him $50.  He's also upset that he doesn't have clothes.  My mom's house burned down a couple of weeks ago and he said that a lot of his clothes burned.  Hopefully he can get something nice with the money.  Hopefully it will brighten his day.

Bed Bugs and I don't even have a bed

I've been hearing about bedbugs in the media a lot.  I'm beginning to wonder if I have them in my car.  I keep waking up with little bites on my neck.  I have no idea what it could be.  I think it's too cold for any other bugs and I've read that bedbugs are hearty little blood suckers.

I wouldn't be surprised because over a year ago, I had them.

In December 2008, I stayed in a hotel and brought one of the little blood suckers home with me.  I didn't realize what it was until months after I saw the little bug on my scarf.  So I just let it fall to the floor without killing it.  I figured it would just die.  Well, unfortunately instead of dying the thing multiplied and by June 2009 my apartment was infested and I had to spend about $300 to exterminate.  That doesn't include the money I spent to stay in a different hotel and to get all my clothes cleaned.  However, I lived in an apartment building, so even though the exterminators came, I'm sure some of the bugs simply moved along while my place was being fumigated because a year later July 2010, they returned.  When I was first infested, I told my landlord and he didn't do anything about it and I didn't know that they would return, but they did.  Any I thought that I had cleaned all my clothes when I moved, but for some reason, I've been getting bit on my neck and I'm suspecting bedbugs.  I don't know what to do.  Do I get my car fumigated.  Can bedbugs survive the winter?  I know they can't survive extreme heats which makes me wonder if it's really bedbugs because my car get's pretty hot when the sun it out.  The temperature got into the 80s last week.  Hmmmm.  What could it be?

  

Tiny Miracles are still Miracles

I was so frustrated that I couldn't blog on yesterday (there was something wrong with my blog) that I forgot what I was going to blog about until now.  Here goes:

I was nervous on last week, (actually apprehensive) about my money.  When I balanced my checkbook, I realized that I was overdrawn, so I stomach was turning thinking that I would have to pay extra money for an overdrawn account.  However, I looked up my account on Saturday morning (I get paid by direct deposit on Fridays) and was most grateful to have had the checks that I wrote come in the same day that my direct deposit came in.  Thank you God.  That would have been an extra $60 going down the drain.

I was able to pay my phone bill so that it would be active, get gas, buy food and take $15 to go to the movies.  I know that luxuries like the movie theater should be the last thing on my mind, but it's cheap entertainment.  Instead of going to the university or the college and trying to ask someone to let me in the door because I left my ID (that's my line.  I"m not actually lying) I decided to spend Saturday at the movies.  All day Saturday.  Well, not actually all day because I took some young people to do community service at the nursing home.  We played bingo with the elderly.  So, I missed the first show at 1pm, but I made the 4pm, 7pm, and 9:30pm show.  Yep, I paid for one movie, but watched 3.

At 4, I watched The Social Network.  Pretty decent movie.  I liked the portrayal of Sean Parker by Justin Timberlake.  It was an interesting movie.  I wonder how much is true.

At 6:30, I went into the some 3-D cartoon movie about wolf packs.  I didn't get the name, I just needed to sit around until the next movie started.

At 7, I watched Wallstreet: Money Never Sleeps.  Really good movie.  I was getting a little tired after that, but I wanted to see You Again.  However, it didn't start until 9:45, so at 9, I went into Easy A and got stuck. It wasn't that I really wanted to see the movie (I didn't know what it was about), but instead of sitting all the way in the back like I normally do, I sat 3 rows from the back because I didn't think many people would show up.  I turned out to be a packed house about 15 min after I sat down and I felt awkward leaving the movie.  So I stayed.  I"m glad I did because when I left after it was over, I slipped into the You Again movie theater and there were only 2 people there.  I'm not sure if the theatre staff keeps track of how many people see a particular movie, but I'm sure I would have not been comfortable not blending in.

Easy A was an okay movie. There was a lot of christian mockery that I didn't care for, but it was ok, I guess.

Afterwards, I headed to the hotel parking lot.  It was nice and cold, but I managed under 2 layers of covers.

I was terribly frightened during the night when I hear a loud thump, like someone had thrown a rock at my car.  I was sure someone had found me out because I heard people talking.  My heart beat so fast, I thought it was gonna beat out of my chest.  Adrenaline was flowing through my veins so fast, I just kept peeping from under the covers.  I managed to fall back to sleep after I realized that no one was coming to peak into  my car.  About an hour later (actually, I'm not sure what time it was) the same loud thump of a rock or something hard hitting my car woke me up.  I wasn't as terrified, especially after I looked at the clock and saw that it was past 2am.  I slowly peaked up and saw that no one was around, so I sat up in my back seat.  About 15 min later another loud thump and I realized that it was the acorns (or some kind of tree nut) falling from the tree I parked under.  Boy did this have me spooked.  So, I moved my car and went back to sleep.

Now, I don't sleep underneath that tree anymore.