The SAGA is OVER!!

Wow...a lot has happened in the last few weeks. Saturday, November 26, I ran into Coach. He is a guy that I've known since 2002. At the time we met, he was married, so our conversations were cordial--simply "Hi" and "Bye." However, in 2010, we started a world wind relationship that ending in a broken heart. Yep, our "first date" was playing connect four at his house. I had a blast. But the night came to a screeching halt when his ex-gf walked in the door. She looked at me, I looked at her and then at him. The only thing I could say was, "Hi." She didn't speak back. So I looked at him and asked if I should leave. At first he said, "No," but then he said that it was probably a good idea.

On my way out the door, he tried to introduce us. She didn't want to speak. I was simply being cordial. When I got home I was a little crushed, but I didn't let it bother me. Then about an hour later I got a phone call from him. WHAT???? UGH???? This is when the night turned bad.....

Anyway, for about two weeks we talked. During that time he asked me to marry him and out of the same breathe he was telling me about how he and his ex-gf were so tied together. I was so hurt and confused. So, I took my bruised heart and just like any other mistake, I got over it.... He contacted me a couple of times throughout the year and each time he was telling me how he was gonna marry me. Blah, Blah, Blah. I never responded. Well, after Thanksgiving we ran into each other and at first I was a little put off. He was yelling at me from his car as I was walking into the YMCA. WHAT?? Who does that?? What man does that???? So, when he got the picture that I wasn't going to come over to him, he got out of the car to talk to me. We exchanged numbers and it started again. This time it was a little different. He and his ex-gf were done.

Over a period of about a month he told me about how he was telling her about me and she didn't like it, so eventually they got into a physical fight and he hurt her badly. This snowballed into epic craziness....he tried to kill himself by cutting himself and taking a gun to his head. He was charged with two felonies--aggravated battery and unlawful use of a weapon and unlawful restraint. He lost everything--two cars, a motorcycle, his home and a $70,000 job. He was committed to the psychiatric ward of a hospital....EPIC MADNESS. Still every time I saw him he was saying how much he wanted to be with me. WOW!!! So as he was telling me all this stuff, my heart was aching. 2010 was one of his worst years. I just didn't feel comfortable telling him how horrible my 2010 was. I mean, my stuff was not nearly as crazy. I just slept in the cold for four months....

As we were talking--having our heart to heart--he told me that he was embarrassed by all this. Tears came to my eyes because here he had gone through hell on earth and he didn't even realize that I was embarrassed too. I didn't think he was gonna like me if he knew that I had slept in my car and he was thinking the same about me. Everything was going well (well, as well as it could be going, we both have trust issues) then one day I cancelled our lunch date and everything fell apart. Yep, a lunch date did it.

Okay, back-up...as we were having our heart to heart, he asked me if I could see myself marrying him. He told me about all of his children and possible children. They are numerous....I think he knows about 8 or 9, but there are several that he suspect are his, but the mom's won't cooperate. EPIC CHILDREN. I mean, I was afraid to get too close, I might end up carrying his baby. Okay, that's mean, but it's true. I don't think he's used a condom EVER!!! Then he asked me if we got married, would I want to have his baby. As sweet as that is, I was a little speechless. I mean, it was sexy as hell when I told Mister that I wanted to have his baby. It was just scary talking with Coach about having a baby. He has so many already. "I'll do that for you..." was what he said and it would have turned me on and made me want to jump his bones right there, but I just kept thinking about all the ones that he has already. Yes, he wants to take care of his children and right now it's killing him because he's not working. But, WOW!!! After our heart to heart, my mind was telling me to run for the hills-retreat, retreat, but my heart wanted to rescue him and my body wanted to be close to him. Coach is a very attractive man and there is something about him that either draws women to him--kind of like a sick puppy that needs someone to take care of him. But, I told God that I didn't want to marry him and that I needed to cut the relationship off before it got too involved. I mean, we were talking about weddings....I was getting in over my head. WAY OVER MY HEAD.

It's a fact that hurt people, hurt people. If you don't get healed in your heart, mind, spirit, and soul, you will eventually affect and damage those around you. This is one of the reasons why I kept him at arms length. I guarded my heart when I was with him. And sure enough it was a cancelled lunch date that caused him to lash out at me.

On Thursday, December 29 I called him to say hello around 11am. He asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I told him that I would a little after noon. I agreed to take him to lunch at McGory's. However, when it got closer to noon, I realized that I was supposed to take Steph to the doctor at 1pm, so having lunch and then picking her up was gonna be cutting it close especially since McGory's wasn't fast food. So I called him to ask him if he could pick me up to drop my car off at Steph's. He stated that his car was currently in the shop and he was waiting on it to be done so picking me up was not ideal. He just told me to call him when I was done. I agreed. Well, I picked up Step at one and he called me around 1:15 to ask where I was because his car was done. I told him I was waiting on Steph and that it would be about a half an hour. Well, a half an hour came and went and I was still waiting on Steph. So I text him to tell him that I didn't want him to wait on me and that I wasn't sure what time I was gonna be done. My actual text was, "Hey not sure wen im gonna b done. I dnt want u 2 have 2 wait on me." He text me back, "Oh...Don't worry about..have a blessed day." From that message, I knew he was a little ticked, but I didn't think this was gonna lead to a two day argument. Later on that evening, I texted him, "U busy?" I was working on some grants and I was quite melancholy about the new year coming in and I wanted to talk. He called me back a couple hours later going off about how I didn't care about him and that I should not have sent him that text I sent him, blah, blah, blah. I was shocked. I knew from his text that I ticked him off, but WOW! He just kept telling me that I wasn't considerate and he wanted to spend time with me, but I didn't care about spending time with him. He stated that I felt like he was doo doo. WHAT????? WOW???? I couldn't get a word in edgewise. The argument was so stupid that I don't even remember everything he said. It was all so absurd. Here I was considering marrying this man and having a baby by him *cringe* and he was telling me that I didn't care about him. WOW!!!! So we ended the call with him saying that he would never bother me again. When we got off the phone, I was so confused. Like what just happened??? I prayed and I cried for him. I felt sorry for him. He was so emotionally damaged that something simple as a cancelled lunch date caused Mount St. Helens to erupt! WOW. So after I finished crying and praying for him, I called him to apologize for offending him. Yep, I told him I was sorry. I guess I did it more because I really wasn't interested in going to lunch--not because I didn't want to, but because I knew that I was finding myself getting more and more attached which was not the right thing to do. So, instead of me having to "break up" with him, our little lunch date did it.

The next morning he called me to tell me that he had gotten my message and it spawned into another argument about how I don't understand his pain--how I don't understand how he tried to kill himself twice and all the pain that he had gone through losing everything. I tried to explain to him that he wasn't the only one going through pain. I even confessed to him how I tried to take a bottle of pills and drink vodka because I didn't want to wake up. He wasn't hearing me. At ALL! His pain was his pain and I didn't get it. But, the problem was I got it and I understood him more than he understood himself--he NEEDED to be HEALED--MIND,SOUL,SPIRIT,and BODY!!!! The Bible says that healing is the children's bread. Until he get's healed from all that stuff and forgive those women and even his mother for abusing him as a child, he will continue to be damaged and he will damage other people along with his children. His children will have to deal with all of that pain if he doesn't get help!!! That's why I cried and he didn't understand that when I was talking to him. He thought I was saying that I was crying because he broke up with me. NO NO!!!! That is a headache I don't want or NEED!!! I'm not a fool. I"m too old to be a fool. Yes, I was contemplating marrying him, but I told God that I didn't want to--there is WAY TOO MUCH BAGGAGE, GARBAGE, TRASH, SLIME, etc and I'm not talking about his children. All of that hurt and pain can become like a cancer. It's a scientific fact that heartache and unforgiveness have killed people. I text him the next morning, but he didn't respond. I wasn't mad. I guess I was giving him the opportunity and the chance to know that I wasn't mad. I then text him Happy New Year. Again, no response. THANK GOD!!!!

So I free from Coach!!! It's over!!!! Now, I'm looking to my new beau in 2012. I've been telling God that I want to get married in 2012. I know, I know. I can't tell God what I want to do, but the Bible does say ask. So as I'm saying it to Him, it's more of an asking not telling. So, heavenly father, can you please send me a Godly man to marry in 2012? In Jesus Name. Amen!!

When only love....

My heart will sing how I love You!!

Long time, no post

There has been a lot going on, but I haven't been posting because ....well, there's a lot going on.

My sister moved in with me, then moved out.  Well, sort of moved out.  She called me one week and said that she hadn't been able to find a job in Ohio and that if she doesn't find something soon, she wanted to know if she could come stay with me...

Then a week later she called me to say she and her husband was on the highway coming my way.  I let them stay for about 2 weeks and then I believe they got a room at the motel for a few weeks.  Last week they came to get their things because they found a place to live.  I'm happy for them.

I'm still teaching GED.  I love it!!!!  My students inspire me!!!!

I've been holding on to my faith.  It's been difficult.  I got pretty lazy as far as reading my Bible and praying.  I really don't know what was going on, but it was like I was stuck in the mud.  The spirit was no where to be found, not in me, not around me, no where.  I HATED not feeling the spirit of God.  I HATE IT!!!  I need God EVERYDAY and when I can't feel it feels like I'm lost.  Like my lover has left me.  So for a while, I  was in that lonely state.  Not lonely as in I need a man, but lonely as in empty.  It was on Sunday that I felt a breakthrough.  However, on yesterday I slipped up a little....

Let me back up....

I was at the Y on Saturday morning and as I was walking in someone was calling out to me.  I just said, "Hey" and kept going, but the person kept talking.  So I turned and saw "Coach."  He was trying to talk to me from his car, but I wasn't going to run up to his, so I stood there.  He finally got the picture and got out the car.  We exchanged numbers.  We called me on Sunday morning and after church I went to his house.  He had a house full of people.  I left shortly after and later that night he texted me, "I'm hungry".  WHAT?  is what I was thinking!!  I took the bait and asked him what he wanted to eat.  He came over to eat.  We had a good conversation and it was about God and life.  I hid my TV so that forced us to talk which was not hard because he talks a lot.  After dinner he went to get his Connect 4 game and we played for about an hour.  He beat me badly, but it was fun.  He asked me if he could hug me, I told him "NO."  I wasn't that I didn't want to hug him, I just didn't want to be that close to him.  Coach is a man that I've been attracted to for a long time and I didn't want my flesh to mess up the blessing that I got from church that morning.

He told me that he wanted to be more than friends.  I told him that I didn't know if that's what I wanted.

He's a wonderful man, I just need him to be a man of God!  I need a man that prays and loves God!!  He doesn't like my church and I refuse to leave me church to go to his, so we have a problem.  Well, I haven't really talked to him since then.  He's pretty preoccupied.  I'm not sure how many children he has, but I think I counted 6.  That's a lot of children.  So, I know he stays busy at home.

I just don't want to jump into anything.  I want to take my time and get to know a person.

Anyway at church on last night, I made a mistake and didn't go up for prayer.  They called for anyone who doesn't speak in tongues.  I didn't go up.  I was embarrassed.  Stupid pride!!  I was also upset over something petty.  It was horrible.  When I got home from church I was horrified.  I was so upset that I didn't go up for prayer.  I need to spirit of God in my life.  I can't live without the spirit of God.  It makes me want to SHOUT.

God is Faithful

I've been praying for my baby sister.  So, I was grateful to get a phone call on Wednesday asking if she could stay with me because she was gonna be in town.  She got here on Wednesday, went to look for a job on Thursday and they told her to come to work on Monday!!!  THANK GOD!!!

Now, we just need to find her a place to live because she can't live with me and a cheap motel would cost a lot of money.  So, I'm praying that God come through.  I can't bear to see my baby sis sleeping in a car.  I know God will come through.

2am Phone Call

I am a member of the leadership team at my church.  I feel privileged to be apart of this group of people.  Therefore, we meet once a month and my pastor teaches us about leadership.  However, since my pastor will now starting a church in Florida, he has decided that it is a good thing that we meet once a week until the end of the year.

We met on yesterday and after the meeting we had a "come to Jesus" meeting because October is National Clergy Appreciation Month and only 5 leaders have given gifts that have been asked.  After that we met with the CEO of the NP that I volunteer at, so I didn't get home until after 11pm.  I was so tired, but I was also a little wired, so I read my Bible and didn't fall asleep until after 1pm.

Around 2am, I received a phone call.  At first I was a little confused because I thought I was dreaming.  Then the phone rang again and I answered.  It was one of the tenants in the other building.  She was upset because she had just gotten home from grocery shopping and upon entering the floor she smelled a strong odor.  She had a person with her and the person stated that she knew the smell and that it was the smell of someone smoking crack.

I told the tenant that I would be there in a minute.

I got to the building about 10 min later to an odor in the hallway, but my nose is not very sensitive, so I could not identify the smell.  It wasn't a bad odor, it was just an odor.  I called the police because I had no other choice.

The police showed up at around 3:20am.  I was exhausted.  We walked through the building, but could not detect any smell.  He let me know that I could call the police again if there are any other reports, but there was no evidence, so there was not much that could be done.

I thanked them for their time and went back to my apartment.  I was exhausted but I couldn't immediately fall asleep.  So it was after 4am before I fell back to sleep and it was at 6:30 am that my alarm went off.  I'm exhausted.  I have to go to church tonight, but I don't know if I'm gonna make it.  I'm so tired.

I didn't know Steve Jobs Died

I turned on the www this morning to an article on Steve Jobs on msn.com.  However, I just blinked past it and went on about my day of teaching.  I just got onto yahoo.com and Steve Jobs is everywhere.  WHAT???  I read the article and didn't realize until the end that they were talking about him in past tense.  WOW!!!

I've never been a fan of the apple computer, but if I had enough money, I would have an iphone and an ipad.

I pray peace to his family.

One Year Later!! 300th Post

It was the day after labor day, Tuesday, September 7, 2010. I turned in the keys to an apartment that I lived in for 6 years. I had no where to go, so I slept in my car -- for four months, I slept in my car.....through the heat of the an indian summer and the cold of the winter....I slept in my car....

As I'm writing this, there are tears streaming down my face....

It seems so long ago....

How can life get so bad that you don't have anyone to turn to for help? How can I be so embarrassed that I can't ask for help?

I'm a little overwhelmed because it's been a journey and as much as I want to move forward, life is still heavy. It's been a long year....I thank God for a roof over my head!! I thank God that he didn't leave me nor forsake me. I thank God for my friend Jenny who opened the door to allow me to have a place to sleep!!! I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a ministry of people who were able to pray for me and help me!!! I THANK GOD, I didn't lose my mind through all the mess that I've been through!!!

So, why am I "down in my spirit?"

I just spent about 3 hours talking to two women who were just released from prison--the two prisons that I'm gonna be volunteering at. They are struggling, but through their struggle, they are making it by the grace of God. I was with Steph, a good friend of mine who had also been to prison. She really ministered to those women. I saw her in a different light. She has so much fire for God, so much ferver for God...I guess I'm down in my spirit because God brought me out of the mess I was in and it seems like I still can't get it right....I don't spend time reading my Bible like I NEED and I don't pray like I NEED to, but I'm always asking God to get me out of something. I should be able to minister to someone with passion and pray for them fervently, but I can't. I'm so clouded with my life, that I can't get passionate about God like I NEED to be.... What is wrong with me? God has been SO GOOD to me. Instead of me running for my life and doing all I can to "get up" I'm slothful...I'm still holding on to old stuff--my past is still haunting and tormenting me. My mind is still back there. Didn't God free me?

I was just reading about the children of Israel. They were enslaved by the Egyptians--day and night, they had to serve the Egyptians. Their children were born into slavery. They were not their own. They cried unto God for help and He heard them. God created Moses to deliver them. That's why Moses was born--to deliver the children of Israel so that they could serve God. Pharoah put up a fight before letting them go, but eventually he told them to leave. After they left, God hardened Pharoah's heart because He wanted them to know that He, the almighty God, is the one that loved them enough to deliver them so they wouldn't go back. So as they were crossing the Red Sea, Pharoah and his army, instead of looking at the miracle of the sea being parted, decided to come after them causing their demise. That in itself is enough to be happy about, but this is what really got me...

"God delivered Israel that day from the oppression of the Egyptians. And Israel looked at the Egyptian dead, washed up on the shore of the sea, and realized the tremendous power that God brought against the Egyptians." --Exodus 14:29-31 The Message Bible. 

That day, at the breaking of day, God delivered them and they didn't have to see the Egyptians anymore!!

I should be happy right now because God has delivered me, but just like the children of Israel, instead of going on to serve God--He performed miracle after miracle during their exodus from Egypt and they were free.

Physically they were free, but their mind was still in bondage. They murmured and complained and eventually God got tired and instead of them getting to their promised land, the parents died in the wilderness. They were free, but they died without seeing their dream. God gave their dream to their children. I don't want to die without seeing my dreams come true. I've got to get the bondage out of my mind. I GOT TO!!! God has been too good to me and life is too good for me not to be happy!!!

Talking to those women and listening to Steph has motivated me to take advantage of my freedom....Thank God for freedom!!! So, instead of sitting hear being overwhelmed and in a funk, I'm gonna thank God and move into my future!!! I have purpose for my life and the will of God will be done!!!!

The worst part is over....I'm not in bondage anymore.


                      

Happenings

I had to go to the IYC in St. Charles on yesterday to take a drug test. The NP I volunteer at provides life skills classes at two of the women's prisons and my boss wants me to help with the classes. Part of the volunteer application process for the prisons is a drug test. I was a little baffled that I had drive that far, despite the fact that the prison I'm going to volunteering at is 45 minutes away, but I went anyway. It was a nice drive. Thank God my car made it. It's been making some type of rattling noise.

I NEED MONEY TO GET IT FIXED.

 When I pulled up and saw the barbed wire at IYC, which is a maximum security juvenile detention center for males ages 13-20, I was a little apprehensive. I briefly worked at a center for juvies for about 9 months, but it was nothing like this. This place housed over 300 males. Where I worked at housed no more than 20.

I had to be watched while I submitted my pee test. That was a a different experience--someone watching you pee, but it was necessary. I'm not sure what the next process it, but I'll call on Monday to let them know I complete my test.

GED classes have been going well. A few of my students have been dropping off. I've got to make some phone calls to see where my students are.

My weight gain is pathetic. I've got to get some health insurance so that I can get my hormones under control. I don't have money to pay to see a doctor. As a matter of fact, I owe my doctor some money, so I'm not sure if I can even get a new prescription for my thyroid hormone. Ugh!!!

 I need God to HELP MY MIND!!! I've got to get out of this state of mind, ASAP!!!

I've been moving my stuff out of storage, little by little. THANK GOD!!! I should have everything moved by the end of next week. No more storage fees!!!

I think my LINK card will be cut off. I'm not sure how much money I'm going to be paid, but I was paid over $500 gross on my last pay check. If my next pay check is that amount I will be cut off. I NEED THAT LINK CARD.

Dangit. My sister, Gayle*, called me to ask for money to get home. I told her that I would see if I could help her out when I get paid. I'm not sure if I will have enough money. I'll see. I haven't heard anything from the IRS job. I hope they don't audit me. That would suck because I don't have donations letters for the last two years.

Blow Up Beds Suck

The first thing I bought for my new apartment was a blow-up mattress because I didn't have a bed. It didn't last long which is a probably a testament to my expanding waistline--I've gained 15lbs. Somehow it started leaking air and won't stay inflated. So I just slept on the sofa. A few months ago I bought another inflatable mattress when I welcomed a girl that needed a place to stay. When she didn't stay, I kept the mattress because I needed something to sleep on since I don't have enough money to get my bed out of layaway. So, I've been sleeping on it because it's more comfortable than my couch. But, now it's failing. I really need to get my new bed!!! ASAP!!! I'm not sure if my unemployment will be lowered since I've been working. I got paid today and my check was about $500, so I had to report it on my unemployment. I also have to report this money to public aid so they will lower my LINK card. Man, I really need the extra money. What to do? What to do?

Thyroid Disorder

About 6 years ago, I was visiting the doctor and he noticed that my thyroid was slightly enlarged. He completed a blood test to check the hormone level in my blood. The test came back normal. No big deal. I didn't think anything of it. In 2009 my gyne wanted to test me again. She said that it seemed like it has grown. She also sent me to get an ultrasound. About a week after the blood test and ultrasound I got a call from my gyne's secretary telling me that my test came back abnormal and that there were nodules on my thyroid. She recommended I see a specialist to get the nodules biopsied to determine if they were benign or malignant. I refused to believe it and after making two appointments with the specialist that were canceled I didn't think anything about it until this year. In April I went to see a doctor and they tested my blood levels and she diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. My thyroid is not producing enough hormone. Initially I thought my extreme fatigue and depression were simply me being lazy. I kept telling myself that I had to quit being lazy and quit being depressed about my life. And I've rapidly gained 15 pounds which I was thinking was because I was eating too much and not exercising. I've never gained weight this fast. It took me 8 years to gain 30 pounds, but it only took me a matter of months to gain 15 pounds. All of these symptoms got me to thinking. Hmmmm. I was watching Dr. Oz the other day and he was talking about the parathyroid glands and how a disease of these glands can cause health problems. So, I research hypothyroidism and now I'm realizing that it's not just me being lazy or depressed or fat. I really have a disorder. I learned that the thyroid hormone regulates so many bodily functions including metabolism. Now, I need to figure out what to do about it!!!! I hate taking pills. My doctor prescribed me some pills and I took them for about a month. I didn't even get them refilled, but now I think I"m gonna get them refilled. I NEED MY ENERGY!! And I need to lose this weight. So, I'm gonna take the pills and pray to God for healing. I believe that I can be healed. That's what the word of God says, "...by His stripes, we are healed." So I claim my healing in Jesus name!!!

Superior Quality

I applied for a job with the IRS recently. I just got an email that stated that my rating was the highest quality and I received a superior rating. It also said that I will be notified of my next instructions. That's exciting.

Teaching GED is exciting also. I started my class at the community center on Tuesday and so far I've about about 8 students interested. That's good!

We will be advertising for a class at the NP that will start in October. I can't wait...

Anxiety & Fear

I was so frustrated the other day. I know that we do some dumb stuff, but my frustration was not understanding. Well, that was until I woke up with fear and anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

I've been on the phone with my sister in Dayton and my brother in San Diego. We've been discussing helping my sister, Gayle (not her real name).

Gayle was 17 or 18 when she got involved with a man who was about 30 (my age at the time). No one in my family approved. We all knew the likelihood of this guy really being interested in her was slim to none. Because of her age and ignorance, she didn't want to believe that.

I've asked several men, what would a man over 30 want with a teenager and all of them simply say that the relationship is superficial. In addition to that, he was already married. And she and him was claiming to be married. WHAT??

In 2010, he got divorced (according to the county website). In February 2011, they got married. WHAT?????

Well, that's not the big issue. The BIG issue is that this guy was a drug dealer.

They moved from here to a small town up north and decided they were going to make some money. He didn't realized that he was gonna be set up by the DEA.

Yes, the DEA set him up and he sold drugs, three times, to an undercover DEA officer. They recorded everything. In each of the times, she was driving the car. They were arrested and he was charged. Because she was driving, they didn't charge her, but she lied to them and told them that she didn't know what his was doing. BS!!!!

The DEA decided that they wanted to make a deal with them. He was a little fish and was trafficking drugs from the mexicans in Chicago. They wanted them to work with them to bring down their suppliers. However, they decided that instead of becoming informants, they would run and that's what they did, despite the fact that she could get out of this because she wasn't being charged. Which was the source of my frustration.

I have a friend who was an informant for the DEA. She used to sell drugs and to escape being charged and sent to federal prison, she made a deal to bring down the major drug dealers. And that's what she did, for 9 years. She told me how she did it, how they wired her, how they wired her house, everything. So, I was thinking that this was something that was simply. Right? You sell drugs anyway, right? So selling drugs while being wire tapped should be easy, right?

That's what I thought until that morning laying in my bed feeling the fear and anxiety that my sister, Gayle was feeling. I felt so much fear that it was sickening. Now, I understand them running. And I understand how dangerous this is for them.

How does this end with them not being hurt? How does this situation end? HOW??? HOW????

I pray to God that the angels protect them!!! She will need the almighty God to get her out of this situation!!!!

We Do Dumb Stuff...Sometimes

As a woman, I've done some dumb stuff in my life. Most of it was because of my ignorance of certain situations, but some if it was because of my stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to sound wisdom. Because of this, I found myself in quite a few mishaps. Despite that, I still don't understand some women. Ok, I take that back, I understand, but I don't...kind of confusing.

For example, if you have been in a situation where a man has beaten you almost to death, and you managed to escape with your life barely hanging on...why do you get involved with another abusive man? Are you that desperate for a man?

This woman has clearly been abused...you can physically see the scars on her neck, hands, etc and now she calls me for help when a guy that she was dating won't leave her alone. I tell her to call the police and get a restraining order. She doesn't want to. WHAT????? What do you expect me to do? If he kicks your door in like he's threatening to do, that's exactly what I'm gonna do... CALL THE POLICE.


Another girl decides that instead of turning her husband in for selling drugs, she is going to run with him even though he's looking at being charged with 60 years to life. She won't leave him, but she will hide with him. WHAT???? I understand loyalty. I understand the whole, "Stand by your man" concept, but this is the federal government saying that he is going to federal prison and instead of cooperating with them, you flee??? WHAT??? I know the vows say, "for better or for worse," but the worse part would have to be me coming to visit you in jail because I'm not gonna risk my life for you. As a matter of fact, the Bible says that the husband must love the wife as Christ loved the church and Jesus died for us, that that means the husband has to love his wife so much that he don't want anything to happen to her. Not only love her as long as she don't turn you in for breaking the law.

I was so frustrated with these two women today. I just had to pray for them because I didn't know what else to do. I pray that their eyes are opened so that they can see the value within themselves and now allow a man to continue to disrespect them.

Ima Witness

I love God. He continues to give me chance after chance. The Bible says that I have new mercies each day.

It is the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed...They are new every morning...Lamentations 3:22-23

At my church, we are encouraged to be witnesses for Jesus. We are to do as the disciples did and share the gospel with everyone. I haven't been good at doing that, so I made a new commitment to God to share His gospel. One of the young ladies in my class shared that she has a felony, but she needs a job. I told her that I was praying for her because with her record it would be difficult to get a job. I asked if she was saved and she told me she was and she said that she prays also. I encouraged her to keep looking because it can be difficult to find a job with a record, but it's not impossible.

Thank God she received His word!!

Following Directions

I have gotten good at following directions and instructions--of course there are some times when I "know what I'm doing" and I mess screw something up, but for the most part, following the order of something step by step is what I like to do so that I don't make a mistake. Because of this, I teach and instruct in steps. Step 1... Step 2... Step 3..., etc.

I was a little inquisitive when only 2 of my 6 students followed the steps, one at a time. Did I explain the assignment correctly and good enough? Did anyone read what I had type out as the instructions?

I'm not sure!?

So, I just let it be. We'll see how their assignments turn out on Tuesday because I don't teach again until Tuesday, Sept 6. The college will be closed for the next two days because of the Farm Progress Show. I'm happy, but I don't have any money and I need to do laundry. I NEED TO DO LAUNDRY, BADLY!!!

I have no clean clothes and I'm running out of underwear.

I did get a chance to clean yesterday. I cleaned the living room and I started on the kitchen. I finished cleaning out my refrigerator. Now I need to mop the floor and wipe down the cabinets.

After cleaning the kitchen, I'm gonna tackle my laundry. I'm not gonna be able to wash anything because I don't have money for the laundromat, but I will prepare my clothes which usually includes separating and putting stain cleaner and baking soda on the underarms of my shirts. I don't know why, but my regular detergent doesn't clean the deodorant off well and if I don't use baking soda, I get ugly yellow stains from my sweat on the underarms of my shirts.

After tackling my laundry, I'm gonna work on my closet. I have one closet where I have things shoved in there on the closet floor. I can't keep things that way.

This will be my cleaning regime this week. I hope to have the whole house clean by the time I go back to work on Monday.

Teaching GED

I started teaching an 8:30 GED class on Monday. It was a little rocky at first because I wasn't sure how exactly to teach the class. I mean, everyone in the class is at a different level, so how do you teach that?

The first day was testing. No problem. Pass out the test, use the two hours for them to complete the test. If they complete early, good, they can go home. It they take longer, we finish the next day.

But, the second day was when I needed to have a plan in place. Hmmm, what to do, what to do?

So, as I"m fumbling around showing student's their test scores and telling them where they needed to start, a former student of mine comes in. He was a little bossy, but I didn't mind because he let me know that the previous teacher had folders for each student with assignments for what they needed to do.

Hmmm, that sounds like a good idea. I got folders and ran with it. Then I began deciphering the test scores and learning all of the coded words and numbers. Instead of putting together an outline, I simply added the test scores to their folder and told them to use that as a guide of what to work on.

I'm gonna take some time this weekend to really go through information that they need to work on so they won't be bored to death. But, the first week was cool. Not all of my students showed up. Some showed up the first day and that's it. I need to maintain a good enrollment.

One of my goals is to have all of the students who have shown up, complete the 8 week class.

I Love Jesus!

God has been and is SSSOOOOOO good to me!!! I love Him for loving me!!

Stupid Overdraft Charges

I wrote 2 bad checks. I didn't mean to. I actually thought I had money to cover one of them, but I didn't and recently I haven't had any money so there have been overdraft after overdraft on my checking account and now I owe the bank $105. UGH!! That's in addition to my car note that is 18 days past due. GRRRRR!!!!!

Despite it all, I still THANK GOD!!! I did get my unemployment check today, so I can pay on it. But that means I have to pay my bank $350 which leaves me about $200 to live off of. OMG!!! The good news is that I will be getting money on my LINK card on Friday. I can't wait. I have food, but nothing good.


Thank God for public assistance!!

Motivation & Inspiration

I was blessed as a child. Yes, my family was poor, but I belong to what they called the "sanctified" church--Emmanuel Temple COGIC. There was a woman there who was a role model for me--Gladys Steptoe. She was over the youth choir, sunshine band, children's church and vacation bible school. If there was anything to do with the youth, she was over it. She also had a radio show--For Children Only, that my sister and I was apart of. She was a great inspiration to me and because of her, I wanted to work with young people. She made such a great impact on me that I am walking in her footsteps--working with youth, working with vacation bible school, etc.

She passed on Wednesday. I wanted to go to her funeral, but I wasn't able to because my car was not working properly, but she will greatly be missed.

I was just leaving a note on her obituary guestbook and I read some of the other notes. I almost cried when I read what my brother wrote, "I am the black child."

*tears in my eyes*

This was a poem she had him recite during some type of youth program. I loved hearing him read that poem.

I can remember reciting Langston Hughes "Mother to Son" during one of the programs she was putting on. She will never be forgotten!!! And I thank God that she was in my life to inspire me and motivate me!!


Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Stranded at Work

I volunteer at a Non Profit as a supervisor of a summer work program. We've hired 20 young people ages 16-19 to work from July to August 31. It's been a great learning experience for me. But at the end of the day, I'm tired and I want to GO HOME!!!

So why am I stranded???

Why won't my key turn in the ignition????

WHY, WHY, WHY???

I dont' have any money for car repairs. I don't even have money to catch the bus to the college tomorrow. I've been praying to God that my car will start, but it won't. Ugh!!!!

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY???

I was done at work at 6pm and it is now 9pm. I don't want to leave my car because the windows are down and my sunroof is open. UGH.

I need a miracle. I NEED MY CAR TO START!!

*Post Script*

My car finally started, but it was after 9pm. I was so tired. It's now making some kind of rattling noise when I start it. Boohoo.

THANK GOD FOR MY NEW JOB

On July 23 I saw and ad for a part-time Adult Education teacher at the community college. The deadline to apply was July 25. On July 25 I emailed my resume and transcript to HR right before 5pm. The email didn't go through, so I mailed it to the HR director. It didn't go through. By then it was 5pm and the office was closed. I didn't have time to drive way out to the college to turn the paperwork in until about a week later on August 3. I explained that I tried to email it by the deadline and I forgot to print off the email delivery message that stated that it didn't go through. The secretary stated that she would turn it in and explain.

I thought getting that job was a long shot especially since I've gotten more rejection letters. So, imagine my surprise when I got a call from the college this morning. When the number came up on the caller ID I was a little baffled at first. Jenny, the director, who knows me from the time I worked there about 5 years ago simply asked me my availability. I told her that I was available anytime. She said ok and told me should would call me back.

I got a call back later in the afternoon asking if I can come in tomorrow to see my classroom.

YAY!!! I told her that I would be there at 8am. I also have to fill out HR paperwork, but I've got the job. I don't know when I start, but I'm excited!!!

THANK GOD!!

Young & Homeless

I was working late at the NP on Saturday and I received a phone call. "Ms. N****, this is Makela*, I need help!"

I asked her what she needed. She explained that she was homeless and she needed a place to stay.

This was a young lady that we hired for our summer work program. I told her that I would come to pick her up. When I got there the couple that had taken her in stated that they were clients of the Homeward Bound program. I told the man that I worked for HB. They said that she could stay there. I told her that I would take her to get something to wear. While taking her to Walmart, the man called and said that it would probably be best if she stayed with me. I guess he figured that since he was already a HB client, he didn't want to get into trouble for having someone stay with him which is against the rules. I told him that would be fine. I took the young girl to Walmart got her some necessities--underwear, socks, deodorant, soap, etc. I also bought an inflatable bed because she needed something to sleep on. I spent about $80. She stayed the night and we went to church the next day. She's been looking for a place to live, but because they haven't gotten paid, it was difficult. She also had some trouble at home and her mom put her out.

This young girl has had a troubled life--foster care, rape, molestation, 2 children and she's only 19, a boyfriend in jail....the cards are stacked against her. So, I just talked to her about giving her life to Christ and how God can heal her heart.

After church on Sunday, we went to the "Celebration," an annual street festival where they block off the entire downtown area. I was quite disappointed when she didn't show up at my place that night. I was also a little worried and I prayed for her safety.

The next day, she didn't show up for work. She didn't call either. Hmmm. Something was wrong. I said another prayer.

I was relieved when she showed up at 1pm, but disappointed at her excuse. "I needed to take my daughter to the doctor in Springfield, but my ride never showed up, so I didn't go." WHAT?? HUH??? She doesn't have custody of her daughter and just because somebody wanted you to ride with them doesn't mean that you need to go. She needed to work and not miss those hours.

So I talked to her about being responsible and how she needed her job. I told her that if she was working anywhere else, they would have fired her, but because i'm her supervisor and I know her situation, I didn't report it.

She said she understood. I also told her that I felt a little taken advantage of because I opened my door to her and spent money on her because she said she didn't have anything, but she didn't feel the need to call me to tell me she wasn't gonna be staying the night at my place. She again said that she understood and apologized.

More Rejection Letters

The case manager job sent me a rejection letter. Boohoo. I'm applying for a part-time Adult Ed instructor position at the community college. I'm also applying for a Student Assistance position at the alternative school and there is another position for a health education that I heard about on the TV. I"ll look it up and apply for that one.

Eating & Shopping

My church has a Women's Fellowship every month. This month we went to eat and shop in Tuscola, IL. The food at the Amishland Red Barn Buffet was wonderful. Then we went to the outlet mall to shop. The only money I had was the money to eat and a few dollars left over. So I went Bath and Body Works and there was a 75% off sale. I was able to get two of the triple moisture cream lotions for $3 each. I got Orange Sapphire and Lemon.

I was disappointed at the Ralph Lauren store. They had two racks that were sale items. Everything else was regular price. What happened to the outlet prices?

We also went to Zales. They had a wonderful sale. I LOVE this ring:

You can't really tell, but this ring is 4 carets. It was retailed for over $8000, but it was on sale for $5500. WOW. The diamonds were beautiful. There were so many diamonds that the ring was heavy. I loved it!!!

Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?

I'm working at a summer camp for the NP. It's wearing me OUT!! We've hired 20 young people ages 16-19 to run the summer camp, but my job is to train them. WHEW!! They were hired two weeks ago and I've been trying to help them understand that we are gonna need a really tight schedule to deal with 50, 5-12 year old children. They have not been understanding, so when the camp started on Monday they were all over the place. On Tuesday, we had some issues. The snacks set aside for the summer camp children camp up missing. It took us all day to find out that 4 of our workers stole the fruit roll ups and vanilla wafers. At one point, it started to be funny because the investigation was getting really silly. I really wanted to laugh at the whole situation and I wanted to make it a game, but it was a serious situation because I didn't want stealing to become a habit for any one of them.

After we found the culprits we told them that they needed to replace the stolen items. We ended up with 4 boxes of Fruit Roll Ups and a bag of cookies (the boy didn't replace the vanilla wafers, but he brought cookies).

The next day one of the workers came back from lunch high as a kite. I looked at his eyes and they were blood and he was squinting. I asked one of my co-workers if she could make a judgement call and she agreed with me that he looked high. After getting him into our office, we questioned him and at first he denied it, but then he confessed. So we had to send him home. We let him know that his was grounds for termination, but at this point he wasn't fired. After he left, I got to thinking about when he said that he was by himself. It didn't sound right, so I asked one of his friends who all went to the store during lunch and his friend confirmed that it was three of them. So the investigation continued. We found out that the other two boys were not involved when he smoked the joint, but they went to store with him afterwards.

Then the following day, we had an incident where the children were playing near the parking lot and broke one of the workers mirrors.

So, it's been one issue after another...

Heaven is for Real

I ordered the book, "Heaven is for Real" at the library about 3 or 4 months ago. I just picked it up two days ago and I was blown away by the story. I've always known that heaven is real and I've been a believer in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but this book put me face to face with the "theory" of my spiritual beliefs. It also introduced a picture of what Jesus actually looks like....

In the book, Colton, the little boy that went to heaven and was sitting on Jesus's lap describes the beauty and awesomeness of the colors and how Jesus's eyes are "pretty." His parents were very interested in a description of Jesus so throughout the years as they would come across a picture of Jesus, they'd ask their son about it and to no avail, he'd tell them that wasn't it, until one day they came across a picture painted by a girl named, Akiane.

Akiane is said to be a child prodigy who has been painting since age 4. She painted a portrait of who she calls, "The Prince of Peace," which is a picture of Jesus. When Todd Burpo, Colton's dad, saw the picture and how the girl described how "pretty" his eyes were, he asked his son about it and Colton stopped in his tracks and shook his head "yes."

The picture that Akiane painted was what Jesus looked like as he sat on his lap in heaven.

Two small children, one at age 4 and the other at age 8, who have never met have confirmed what Jesus looks like.

I was in awe! Look at his eyes!!

It wasn't just the picture that captured me, it was the stories about his grandfather who died 30 years before he was born and his sister who was miscarried that he had never met, that captivated me and gave me a clearer picture. I have a different perspective of Jesus and God.

THANK GOD FOR UNEMPLOYMENT INSURANCE

I was BROKE. My car note is past due (I only paid $190 and I was supposed to pay $220), my account was overdrawn, I need some gas, and I have no minutes on my phone.

So, I was a little nervous about my unemployment check because I have no idea when it runs out. I am overjoyed because I check my account and I have money, moolah, deneros, chedder, cheese, bread, bacon, etc.....


THANK GOD because I didn't know where I was gonna get money from. I do have my Link card, but I can't fill up my car with that.

When the money was loaded on my Link card yesterday I was so happy. I went to Kroger because I wanted some cheese grits and asparagus to go with my baked chicken. I was a little disappointed because the only thing that tasted good was the asparagus. How can you mess up cheese grits? Ugh.

Any way, I thank God for favor even when I don't do it.

Busy Bee

The last two weeks have been thoroughly busy. The NP that I volunteer with was awarded a 60K grant to hire 20 young people ages 16-19 to host a summer camp. We've been supervising these young people and it is exhausting. We haven't started the summer camp, we've simply been training them to run a summer camp so we've done First Aid training, sexual harassment training, and we will be doing a training on bullying and cyber bullying and conservation. The workers will be teaching the children about conservation along with doing fun summer camp stuff such arts and crafts, swimming, etc.

I haven't heard anything about the job that I've applied for, but there is another job teaching Adult education classes part time. I would love that job because it would get me back into the classroom. The only problem is it's part-time and there are no benefits. Hmmmm.

I filled out my unemployment certification. I'm not sure when my unemployment runs out, but I am out of money and I have an overdrawn check. Bummer. I've got my Link card with $155 and I'm gonna use part of that money to buy snacks for the summer camp, because we need snacks for the children and that will be my donation since I can't help buy supplies.

In other news....

I'm applying for a dual major at at the University of Illinois--MSW/Ph.d program. Priority applications are due December 1. I've got to have 20 credit hours of social/behavioral sciences to apply. I also have to be working or volunteering in a position doing something with social work. Thus, the need to work in the other position as a Case Manager.

We'll see.

Staying Motivated

I started working out last week. I was so excited. I did about 2 hours of aerobics. But, because of my schedule this week I haven't been about to work out. I need to stay motivated. I've been watching Dr. Oz and getting some really good weight loss tips. Some of the things that I'm gonna be doing include:

1. Do a one week liver detox that will help to curb my sugar and carbohydrate dependence. The liver detox includes eating one week of cruciferous veggies. During this week I can't eat sugar or carbohydrates.

2. Drinking and ice cold glass of water first thing in the morning. This helps to jump start metabolism.

3. Eating 30 grams of protein 30 minutes after I wake up. This helps to boost metabolism and it helps me to not be tired after lunch

4. Leaving one day a week as a "binge day" where I will be able to eat anything I want to eat. This is so that I'm not restricting myself from things I like to eat.

5. If I do happen to fall of the wagon, within an hour do some exercize.

I'm gonna try things things along with lowering my saturated fats and sugar. My goal is to lose at least 20lbs by the end of the year.

Great Interview

I had my interview for the Case Manager position. It was great. I was poised and answered all of the questions thoroughly. I asked questions at the end and everything seemed really well. I'm not sure their perspective, but it was good. They said that they will be calling me this week. I've been praying that God give me direction because I do need a job, but I also volunteer and we have a summer camp coming up that I want to work with. If I take the job, I won't be able to work with the summer camp. WHAT TO DO?? I just pray that God lead me because I do need a job and I want the stability, but I also love what I do with the non profit that I work with.

In other news, I've been looking for programs for school. I'm checking out the MSW/Ph.d program at U of I. It sounds like a wonderful program and something that I will enjoy. However, of course I need to apply and if I'm accepted, I need to pay tuition--all the more need for a job. Unless I get a graduate assistant ship which is what I want to do. Some of the requirements of the program is that I need 20 credit hour of social behavioral science courses which I'm gonna try go to do at the community college. The priority deadline to apply is Dec 1, so I will have my application in their office that time.

Summer Reading

I just wrote about wanting to find a good book to read for the summer. So, imagine my surprise at the article in Sunday's Parade Magazine about summer reading. They gave a really good list of books to try. I'm gonna try I’m Feeling Lucky by Douglas Edwards. It's not fiction, but it sounds interesting. It tells the story of how google grew from a two man company to the bazillion dollar company it is today. Douglas Edwards used to work for google and he's telling about his experiences. I think there is also book by Ben Mezrich, the guy who wrote about Mark Zuckerberg in Accidental Millionaire. I"m gonna try to find that to check out.

I Need a Good Book to Read

I haven't read a good book since Evanovich's book #16. I can't help it, she writes so well that I haven't found anything the measures up to her work. I'm also a big fan of Dickey, but I'm not in the mood to read about sex. So, I need to find a a new writer to entertain me.

I skimmed through Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover because when I get more settled, I want to become DEBT FREE!!!

But, I need something to entertain myself. I used to love reading, but nothing seems to interest me. I'll start a book, but quickly become bored.

For some reason I have old text books and lately I've been skimming through an American History book. It's so interesting learning about our history. Of course these are books that I had from high school and college, so I don't know why I don't remember learning this stuff, but it's been interesting to me. What is more interesting is what they don't teach in the textbooks about how America was founded. You know the nursery rhyme "In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue..." It tells a nice story of how Columbus "discovered America," but we don't often hear real story about the theft of the land. So, I've been reading about what our children are taught and it's interesting.

But, I need something else to "tickle my fancy." I"m gonna explore the New York bestseller list to see what I can come up with.

Sweating to the Oldies

I got my YMCA membership. I"m SOOOOOO happy!!! And the best thing is that when I applied before they were asking me to pay $27 a month, now I'm only paying $18 a month. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!! My goal was to not pay more than $20 a month and God honored my desire.

I started my aerobics classes today. I did a 30 minute step class and a 30 minute spin class. I hate spinning, but I thought I'd give it a try. My but hurts from those seats. But, it was a good class. I"m not gonna do it again.

I'm gonna stick with aerobics and pilates and zumba.

I'm gonna weigh myself and take my measurements to track my progress. Maybe I'll look into weight watchers again so that I can track my progress online.



*Post Script: I weighed myself. It's not pretty--196lbs.

Job Searching Again

I NEED A JOB!!!

I think that is one of the reasons for my lack of motivation. I have no passion for anything. I need a mission, a purpose in life. Well, actually I have a mission and a purpose, but it has always been tied to my work. Now that I am not working, I have no passion. It's like the life is being sucked out of me and I need to not allow that to happen.

I went to Slumberland to look for a bed because I've been sleeping on my couch and as much as I enjoy my couch, sleeping on it is posing great bodily harm. My neck and back hurt. So I looked at a bed and a mattress set. It will cost about $700 for all of it, but I'm not sure when my unemployment will run out, so I don't want to commit to that. The good thing is that if I put the items on layaway, I can get my money back if I change my mind. So, I'm gonna put $100 down and they will give me 4 months to pay it off. So, I need to pay at least $200 a month on it. I'm not sure if that include delivery. Hopefully, the delivery will only be about $70. I'm not buying any other frills--protection plans etc.

Battling Fatigue and Lack of Motivation

God is so good to me!!! I don't know what to do with myself.

I just checked my account and I have money--more money than I thought I had. Yesterday I checked and I had $34. Today I checked and I have over $400. God is so good. So why is it, that I can't get motivated enough to do what I need to do. Why can't I pray more, why can't I read my Bible more???? Why, why, why? Why am I so fatigued and unmotivated. I have no reason to be this way. Ok, the doctor said I have hypothyroidism, but I don't blame this on my condition because I've had a problem with my thyroid for years. So why don't I feel like getting out of bed? Why don't I feel like doing anything?

I will admit that I'm slightly depressed, but I don't even blame all of this on that. I just need to GET MYSELF TOGETHER and FAST!!!!

Paradigm Shift

In order to survive the next phase of my lift, I must shift my thinking. God is teaching me how to see myself differently. I've always had self-esteem issues--a lack of self-confidence, inferiority complex...., but in order for me to be successful as a Woman of God, I can't continue my life in fear. I have to be confident in God!!! This shift is happening, but "the old me" is resistant. I've been battling a depressed state because I'm mad. I'm upset at myself for allowing this downward spiral. I'm mad at myself because I feel like I"m too old to be in this situation. I'm mad because I haven't learned to stand up for myself. And this madness has caused me to be sad. And this sadness has caused me to be tired. I don't want to be tired anymore. So, I have to shift my thinking!!! I've got to shift my thinking!!!

12:00 deadline

I was finishing my employment application for the Case Manager position for the Homeward Bound program (the program that has hired me to work as a Resident Manager) and while getting their address off the website, I noticed that the deadline to turn in the application was noon. WHAT?????

I picked up the application on Friday. She didn't say anything about noon as the deadline. She simply said it was due June 20. WHAT TO DO? It was not 1:37pm and I rushed to get it done and to the office. I simply told the receptionist that I just found out that it was due at noon. She just said okay and that she would let them know.

I don't know if they are gonna be lenient or not, but I pray. When my boss said that she thought about me for the position, that let me know that I had some kind of favor. I pray to God that I keep that favor. I need a steady income.

Thank you God for steady income!!

YMCA Saga

I applied for a reduced rate membership at the YMCA in April. I read the letter, but failed to remember that it was valid for 30 days. So, my trip to the YMCA today was in vain. I was all ready to sign up--I had my cute workout attire on and my old reebok gym shoes. I was ready to go. They got my membership application out and I was getting ready to write my check and then they noticed the date. I was half sleepy so her telling me that the letter was expired kind of bothered me--I'm quite grumpy when I'm not fully awake. I had to tell myself to not be ticked off. I almost wanted to ask for her manager, but that would have not been a good thing to do. It said it right there in the letter--I have 30 days to respond. I did get a new application for assistance. I explained to the woman my income issues and she said to simply explain in the application that I'm only working temporary jobs and my income is not steady. She did tell me that I must have income in order to get a membership because I must pay something. I don't mind paying something. I only want a membership for a month or so--nothing longer because I'm not sure if I can pay past then. I wish they would get rid of this year long contract and just let people pay by the month. Grrrr. I know it's more beneficial to them to have people sign up for a year, but it doesn't work for me.

So, I have to print out my last check stubs and write a letter explaining my issue--jump through the red tape. I guess I really don't mind, I was just so prepared to start working out today. I was mentally prepared. I've got to lose some weight. All of my clothes are uncomfortably tight and I can't afford a new wardrobe. For some reason, I can't wrap my brain around going to the park to walk. I'm so hung up on the aerobics class. I guess its because when I'm in class, it's not easy to just leave before its over, but if I go to the park, I can simply leave after 10 minutes if I don't feel like it. Also, I like the camaraderie in the classes. I talk to the instructor and others in class--especially if you have routine of going and you see the same people each time. That motivates me.

So, I'll be finishing this application and turning it in tomorrow. Now, I need to finish braiding my hair.

Weight Loss Goals

I am fat....

Ok, I'm not really fat, just overweight. I'm sure I'm about 190lbs and I'm 5'5", so according to all the rules about weight, I'm fat. So, I applied for assistance for the YMCA about a month ago, but I didn't have any money to sigh up, so I'm gonna sign up today. If I can go about 5 days a week for at least 30 minutes a day, I'm sure I'll be on the road to slimville. Of course it's easier said than done, so I'm gonna make myself go. That's the only thing that I can do is to make it up in my mind that I can't continue to add to my weight. I have no health insurance, so getting sick is not an option. So, I've got to get healthy.

I watched Sicko last night and it was so eye opening about what American has done to her citizens. WOW, we should be ashamed of ourselves, but no one is gonna take care of me like me, so I need to get moving.


In other news, the Director called to tell me that I was not chosen. I invited her to church.

My new sofa came and I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I've been sleeping on it for the last few days since my air mattress is not staying inflated. My next goal is to get a new bad. My neck and back are tired of my sleeping conditions. I went to Slumberland again to look for a new bed--not a mattress, but a new bed. Yes, I need a mattress, but there are a few mattress stors that sell cheap mattresses about less than $200, so I'm gonna get a full size mattress and a pillow topper because I want my bed to be plush. But, I was also looking for a new bed. I've never been able to buy myself a new bed. In my old apartment, I had a full size mattress that was held up by a make-shift bed of plywood and bricks. I think it's time to buy a new bed. I've been looking at this one in the store. It's nice and sturdy and on sale for $399. It's a little more on overstock.com:

I'm gonna buy the mattress and box spring first and then go after that bed. I might put it on layaway at Slumberland since it's only $300 and pay $50 a week until I can get it, but I can't put the mattress on layaway.

The Director Called Me

I was busy at work and I looked at my phone to a missed call from a number that I didn't recognize. I dialed my voice mail and listened to the Director ask me to call her back. I immediately called her, but of course she was gone for the day. GRRRRRR. I'm wondering if she is calling me to let me know that I didn't get the position. Maybe because we know each other, she feels that it's more personal to call me than to send me a letter. She really doesn't have to do that. I would be surprised if she offered me the position. When I talked to the secretary, she didn't seem excited. I guess I'll hear from her tomorrow.

My sofa is coming

I don't know how many post I have about my sofa saga, but I'm sure this will be the last one. Some time between now and 5pm, I will have a new sofa to sit on. My apartment will become my home. Why is this such a big deal?

Well, because this is the first time that I've purchased a brand new sofa. In my other apartment, I had two love seats in the living room that were second hand. They were nice, but not really my style. I bought them because it was what I could afford. I think I paid less than $300 for both and I had way more bills than I have now. My new sofa will give me a little more dignity and help me to be more comfortable in my new space. I thank God for it. It's nothing like living in a place that doesn't feel like home. And plus with my past experience with bed bugs, I do not want to chance buying another second hand sofa.

Post Script: I'm like a child on Christmas. I keep looking out the window. When my phone rings, I get excited. LOL.

New Job Opportunity

I've been working this temp job for two weeks now. When they hired me they said that it could possibly be temp-to-hire, but I realized that they weren't gonna hire me when they interviewed a girl the first week that I worked. But, I've been managing. I thank God for this job. It's keeping gas in my car.

Speaking of gas in my car...my new car accessory is a red gas can. I don't go anywhere without it.

I was surfing the net, looking for jobs and the company that hired me to be a resident manager is looking for a case manager. I"m gonna send my boss an email to ask her if I'm eligible to apply for the job. It only pays $18,000-24,000 a year, but I'll take it because it has health care. I need to go to the dentist and the doctor.

I also want to get a new phone with internet at home and I"m reluctant to sign up for a contract for those things when I don't know if I will have a steady paycheck. I have a hard enough time wondering if I'm gonna have enough money to pay my car note.

I also need to get my car fixed. It's rattling, needs and oil change, and the engine light just won't go off--something about oxygen sensors....

I just want to be stable!!!

And I want to buy a new bed. Sleeping on the air mattress has become a pain because it is defective. I can't explain it, but the ridges that are supposed to keep the air chambers evenly distributed with air have burst, so I have a lump-sided mattress that feels like a waterbed, which is the most uncomfortable thing to sleep on. I can't wait to sleep on a plush mattress with fluffy pillows.

I pray that I get the job because it will be something that I enjoy!!!

Finally Got Paid

I got my unemployment check the other day. I also got paid from my temp job. So, I was able to finish paying off my sofa. It will be delivered on next Thursday after 2pm. I will be working during that time, but I'm gonna request time off to get my new sofa. I CANT WAIT!!!!

I was also able to pay the rest of my car note. THANK GOD. When my check next week, I'll be able to pay next month's car note. I've been working on my living expenses. I think I can buy all of my household needs--toilet paper, toothpaste, laundry detergent, etc for a whole year for under $300. I've been tracking how much of this stuff I've used since I moved here and I found that I used 24 rolls of Angel Soft Double Roll tissue since March 1. So that means I need about 24 rolls every 3 months. So, I went to the store and got two 24 rolls of Scott Triple Roll for $9.99 each at Target. It was on sale. I think the regular cost is like over $15. I would have been happy if I had a dollar off coupon, but I couldn't find one. But, it was still a steal. (Womp, womp :)

I also got two 50 load 100 oz Woolite laundry detergents for under $6.00. I was also on sale. The regular price was about $12. I've bought 5 things of Colgate toothpaste from the dollar store and I'm looking at body wash, hair shampoo, and other cleaning supplies that I need. I want to be a little more natural with my body wash, so I splurged and bought Dr.Bonners.

A friend is gonna hire me to run a program for people who were caught shoplifting. I've got to put together a proposal. I'm gonna work on that tonight. That will keep me afloat after my temp job runs out next week.

Why can't I just say it?

"So what type of work do you do?"

I hate that questions. I feel so stupid saying that I"m unemployed, or saying that I'm a temporary employee. So instead of saying that I just say, "I do contract work for companies" and I hope that they don't ask what type of work. If they do I say, "Program development, evaluations and grant writing." Which is sort of kind of what I do with the non-profit that I volunteer at, but I don't get paid.

I haven't heard anything from the university. I'm thinking about all of the answers that I could have told her related to the last questions that she asked me. I'm not gonna be mad or upset if I don't get the job. I just want to be working in my purpose. I want to fulfill my purpose in life.

The Same Old Issues

When I worked for the temporary service that laid me off back in November, I had so many issues with them paying me (not to mention the issues with unemployment related to them). Well, they've hired me for a temporary data entry position and I'm facing the same old issues with being paid. I'm not gonna complain about it, but there seems to be a problem some where. I was expecting to get a paycheck from them on Friday and as of today I have not received it, so I emailed them to ask what the process was to being paid. One of the girls emailed me back to say, "I thought you remember the process..." I told her that I would go online to input my hours. She then said to me that the company is not signed up for their online pay system.

Well, how am I supposed to get paid if I don't enter my hours online? That is the only way that I know to do my time sheet. I haven't been told otherwise. So what else is there to remember?

I believe that she was trying to "cover herself" for not telling my supervisor that she needs to turn in time sheets. I want to be stubborn and give her a hard time, but that's not the right thing to do. I'm gonna humble myself and ask her for a time sheet. God help my heart, PLEASE. I don't want to be bitter towards them.

Where is my new sofa?

It's June 4 and my sofa was supposed to be on its way here. Where is it?

Still at the store. That's where it is. I didn't have enough money to pay my car note and get my sofa. Plus my new job assignment has not paid me so I'm quite short on cash. I'm not worried. I have plenty of food!!

Speaking of new job assignments...

I haven't heard from the university, but I have seen the Director. My church had a woman's luncheon and she was invited and I went over to hug her and she wasn't too receptive. That kind of let me know that she hasn't chosen me for the position. I'm not upset. God has another plan for me and I'm grateful for that. I'm getting back on track spiritually and I love God for not leaving me!!! My Pastor said he had a business idea that he wants me to help with. I'm happy for that. This will help me to stay focused.

Thank God for Public Assistance

I thank God that I was blessed with my LINK card. I have enough money to buy food for a long time. I've been working on my budget and that includes my food budget. I wish I can buy a mini freezer because then I can load up on food. I"m gonna look into it. I'm also looking into extreme couponing to help me out with buying household items and staples for the rest of the year. There is a class at the community college for $15 that teaches this practice.

I Need to Ask You a Few More Questions

The Director from the univesity called me yesterday. She left me a message that she needed to ask me a few more questions. She is ready to make her final decisions, but she needed more information from me. Her first questions:

Where do you see yourself over the next 5 years?

I told her that I was working on my 15 year plan. I want to work at an industry for the next 10 years while I work on my Ph.D and then I want to move up. Well, actually I want to move up while I'm working over those 10 years. I also told her that I want to be a college president. Which has been one of my dreams, but I'm not quite sure how much I want to do that. I also want to run my own educational program or be a principal of a small school.

Why do you want to do that?

I told her that I was inspired by the current community college president. I also told her that I would like to be a community college president.

Where do you see the program going?

I told her that I would love to help the students to work with faculty members to do more research and career development.

What area of student development do you see yourself working in?

I told her that I love leadership and career development.

She asked a few other questions, but I don't remember. I believe that the decision is between me and another candidate. I'm gonna be positive, but I haven't heard anything from her today. *Breathe*

Later on I emailed her additional information about how I was inspired by Dr. Jonetta Cole who was the first woman president at an HBCU. I also told her that I was looking at how many women community college presidents there were in Illinoin and there weren't many.

I don't know if this information helped her to understand my goals, but I wanted to make sure she understood me.

I won't be upset if I don't get the job, I'll just have to continue to trust God.

Today I Prayed

I haven't prayed for the job at the university. At first it was because I didn't think I would get it. I mean, I've applied for so many jobs and have even had interviews, but the rejection letters kept coming. Another reason I didn't pray for it was because I was weighing the decision because I really want to work with the non-profit, but I didn't know how I would be able to do that and work a full-time job. Then, I wasn't thinking about the fact that my unemployment was running out. So, for the past few days I've been thinking about my passion and my boss at the non-profit asked me where my hear was concerning the organization. I emailed her and let her know that I still want to work and help build the organization. But, as I was realizing that my unemployment would be running out, I had the revelation that I would need to get a full-time job. So, why not work at the university? I would have time to work on the non-profit work and I would be working in an area that I was passionate about. So, this morning I prayed. I prayed and asked God if He could bless me with the favor to get the job. Today about 2:40 I got a phone call, but because I was working I wasn't able to answer it. I just got off and checked my voice mail. It was the Director from Millikin. She was wanting to know if I had another reference from when I worked at the community college. I quickly called the college and called my good friend there to ask her if she could be a reference for me. She agreed. I then emailed and called the Director back with the information. That excited me because she would not be asking me for another refernce if she didn't want me. Thank God!!! So, we'll see how this goes.

I'm Not Gonna Stress Myself Out

I'm not gonna make myself crazy waiting on them to call me or send me a rejection email. I'm just gonna breathe.

I watched Oprah's love letter on yesterday. I think it was an appropriate ending to her show. I will be starting my temporary data entry job on tomorrow @ 8:30am. It pays $10 an hour and it's full time work. That will keep me afloat for a while. God worked it out for me with the other temp job. They called me to let me know that they will call me to let me know when they need me. So I don't have to come up with an excuse to not open envelops for $8.25 and hour. Now I get to sit at a computer and enter data for $10 and hour. Thank God.

I'm closer to getting my sofa. I have $400 in the bank. I owe $225 on my sofa. But, I also owe my car note for $250. I can still wait until next Friday to pay the rest of my sofa and pay my car note on Tuesday. I think I'll do that.

Almost Here

I made another payment on my new sofa. I have $225 left. They said that it would be in the store in about a week. I'm so happy!! I was gonna stop by the furniture warehouse to see were they are with their prices. I still want the giraffe print chair.

If I really had some money, I would have gotten this sofa. There is something about those colors that I love:

Still waiting patiently for the call.

God Has Smiled on Me

I got a call from Larry (not his real name), my case worker at DHS. He asked me about my unemployment and about me working. I told her that my unemployment will be running out and that I"m working temporarily. He let me know that I don't have to pay the money back that I spent on my Link card. I was so happy because I spent about $300. I was so happy that I wanted to do a dance in the bathroom, but I needed to get back to work, so I did and the rest of the time at work, I spent praising God. This just lets me know that God loves me and I love HIM for being good to me and having mercy and giving me grace when I need it!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!

One of my favorite songs:

Patiently waiting by the phone

I haven't heard anything from my job prospect at the university. All of my references have been check. I do know that they have to do a background check on me. Maybe that's the hold up. I've had several people ask me about it and I'm not gonna worry. I'm learning that God is in control, so I need to allow Him to be in control. When I've decided to make my own decisions, I've found that I screwed up. So, instead of being anxiously waiting, I'm patiently waiting. I was told by the admin asst that the person would not start work until July 1 and that is quite some time away, so I'm gonna to be patient. Does it unnerve me sometimes? Yes, but there is nothing I can do about it, so I talk to myself and tell myself to be patient. God knows. He knows!!! And I am grateful that He has never left me, nor forsaken me.

I got a call from my old job--the one that is responsible for my unemployment. They want me to work for a law firm for the next 2-4 weeks. It pays $10 and hour and it is data entry, which is much better than opening envelopes for $8.25 and hour. Since my unemployment will be running out in the next couple of weeks, I'm gonna take it. If I can work there for the month of June and then get the job at the university, that will be wonderful. Of course if I don't get the job at the university, I won't be mad, but that would be a wonderful plan.

New Sofa

I've been searching and searching for an affordable new sofa. I finally decided that I was gonna get this one for $397 at the furniture warehouse.

This sofa was $549 at the other furniture store. So I was grateful for my find.

On last Monday, I pulled into the parking lot of the warehouse store and immediately noticed the liquidation signs. I got excited. They were going out of business. My $400 couch was probably gonna be cheaper. I walked in the door, looked at the price and GASP!!! It was $597. WHAT??? WHAT???

I asked the sales person what happened. He gave me some line about how it was on sale at first, but now it wasn't. WHAT? This is a warehouse and I've been looking at this sofa for a month and now it's $597 with a 10% off sale sign on it. I asked him what he meant about it being on sale then? I asked him why was it 10% if that wasn't a sale. It was a crazy conversation and I asked the guy what I could do to get it for the price it was a week ago. He said he couldn't do anything. WHAT??

So I left.

I was a little discouraged and headed to Walmart. Right across the street from Walmart was a grand opening for Slumberland. I decided to check it out. I didn't know if they sold anything besides mattresses, but I was gonna see. I walked in, was greeted and told the salesman my problem. He explained to me how that works with liquidations. He was really nice. After walking around the showroom floor, I didn't see anything I liked, so I was headed for the door when I saw this:

This sofa is similar, but it's a sectional. And the price was amazing. Retail it was like $1400, but because of the grand opening it was $699. I sat, pondered, and sat some more--trying to picture a sectional sofa in my living room. The salesman came over to chat and I told him that this was a wonderful buy. He began to tell me about financing. I wasn't interested in that. Then he told me that they have layaway and I could put $50 down and there was no penalty for cancelling the order. WHAT? I was piqued now. After a few minutes, I was sold. It also made sense because I was gonna spend about $400 for a sofa, and a little over $600 for two accent chairs. Now, if I get the sectional, I only need one accent chair, and I"m gonna spend about the same amount of money!! THANK GOD. So, this past week I put $300 down on it and I have about $500 left (tax and delivery). I need to manage my money so that I can get it in the next couple of weeks.

Reference Checks

I got an email from my friend, Sadie (not her real name), who is one of my references for the Asst. Director position. She let me know that they contacted her for a reference. So, I contacted my other two references and one of them let me know that they have been contacted also. WOW. I'm not sure what to think. I want to be excited, but I'm so unsure. The interview was exhausting--all day long answering questions, from different people and groups of people. Also, doing a presentation. It seems like the position is right for me. The only thing that I don't like about the position is the campus environment. I don't have a problem with social justice, I also don't have a problem with inclusion, but I don't agree with accepting homosexual lifestyles. It's not that I don't like a person who is homosexual, I love everyone, I just don't agree with the sin. Just like I don't agree with the sin of doing drugs, lying or stealing. It's not the person, it's the sin and even though I can work with students who are homosexual, I don't think I want to be forced to accept that lifestyle and the campus is so open and accepting. Other campus' that I have been on does not openly promote that lifestyle, but this university does. Which is kind of weird for a presbyterian university. When I was there, there was an article in the student paper, front page, about the drug use, abuse, and selling on campus. WHAT?? Individuals openly (under the guise of fake names) told of their stories using and dealing drugs on campus. WOW!! I'm sure that ruffled some feathers, but everyone was so cavalier about it.

I was told by the admin asst that the position wouldn't start until July. My unemployment runs out in about 3 weeks (I think), so that means I have to budget. Hmmmmmmm

I'm Exhausted

I spent a good amount of time last night preparing for my interview today. I think I got home after mid-night and it took me forever to get to sleep. It was after 1am the last time I looked at the time. The alarm started going off at 4:45am. I finally got up at 5:39am to head to prayer. After prayer, I needed to finish my presentation for the interview, "Promoting Persistence and Success Among Underrepresented Students." It wasn't as simple as it seemed because in this case "Persistence" means retention and "Success" means graduation.

I got home from the church at 7:30 and hurriedly dressed in my suit and tied my hair back with a headband. Thank God for braids. I ran to my car and rushed to the campus. I got to the coffee house at 7:47am. From there it was one meeting after the next starting with the Director of the program followed by the President of the university and then the VP. I also met with the Dean of Student Development who has often talked to me during my homeless days sitting on the couch watching TV, pretending to be a college student doing work.

I have never in my life had a full day interview before, but apparantly this is how it goes in higher education. I just go finished and its now 6:60pm. I'm poooped. I'm going to get Jimmy Johns and go home to sleep. Well, after I put up the signs for out meeting tomorrow, that is.

Interview Today

I got a call on Wednesday evening from the university. They wanted to interview me for the Asst. Director position that I applied for. The call came from the Director, who I have known for a few years now. She set up a phone interview for Friday, May 13 @ 2pm. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know if I needed to pray, fast....So I just prayed that God's will be done.

Friday came and my phone rang around 2:15pm. It was Mary (not her real name). She had two other people on the call also, one was a student, but the Director was not there because she wanted them to interview me and get and impression of me since I've worked with her in the past. It was a great interview. We had a wonderful conversation and before it was over Paige (not her real name) was offering me an opportunity to visit the campus for an ALL DAY INTERVIEW. WOW. I've never been on an all day interview before. She followed up with me later on in the day to confirm that I would meeting with the Director at 8am today. I will leaving the campus at around 5:30pm today. Whew. I will share the itinerary with you later. I've got to finish preparing for the presentation that I have to do as a part of the interview.

Breathe Again

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers!!!1


I traveled to E. St. Louis on Friday. My brother called me to ask if I could help him find a job. So, I took the day off to go job hunting with him. I got to E. St. around 3pm and we went from one fast food place to the next. We prayed and I told my brother to pray. After completing the applications, I took him and my niece to play laser tag. It was fun!!! Then we went to the mall. Macy's had an awesome clearance sale--they always do. I got my niece a pair of jeans and two shirts and my brother a t-shirt and a jacket. I also got my mom a rubber plant for Mother's Day. I came back home broke, but happy. I was supposed to bring Steph back some fried rice, but I ran out of money.

Gas is $4.19 here. Ugh!!! I'm not sure when my unemployment runs out, but I think it's soon. I might have about 5 weeks left.

I was apprehensive about applying for the Asst Director job at the university. I've already applied for 2 other jobs there and they've sent me rejection letters for both. But, oh well. I'm not gonna worry. I also applied for an academic advisor position at another university that is close to E. St. Louis. I'm not gonna leave town, but I have to be applying for work according to my unemployment rules.

My LINK card will be cut off soon. I tried not to use it, but I think I spent about $300 that I will have to pay back. I turned in my updated income to them on Thursday. That's a bill I do not want to see. I tried to reason with God about the LINK card. I prayed and told God that I did what I was told--I called to report my income change. I called three times, but they still gave me money on the card. I needed that money. But, I know I wasn't supposed to use it. So, I was asking God if he could work a miracle and allow them to forgive me for spending that money and not send me a bill to pay it back. I did include a letter with my updated income that explained that I call who I was supposed to call. Hopefully they will have mercy on me.

I've gotten a renewed vision of myself. God's grace is sufficient for me II Corinthians 12:9. I was so down on myself about mistakes that I've made in the past that I was holding on to my past. My spiritual mom told me that I was, but I didn't understand. Now I do. Now that I know, I can let my past go and truly walk in God's forgiveness--forgetting those things behind, I can press toward that mark. Phil 4.

I feel like I can breathe again, I can dream again....Thank GOD!!!