One Year Later!! 300th Post

It was the day after labor day, Tuesday, September 7, 2010. I turned in the keys to an apartment that I lived in for 6 years. I had no where to go, so I slept in my car -- for four months, I slept in my car.....through the heat of the an indian summer and the cold of the winter....I slept in my car....

As I'm writing this, there are tears streaming down my face....

It seems so long ago....

How can life get so bad that you don't have anyone to turn to for help? How can I be so embarrassed that I can't ask for help?

I'm a little overwhelmed because it's been a journey and as much as I want to move forward, life is still heavy. It's been a long year....I thank God for a roof over my head!! I thank God that he didn't leave me nor forsake me. I thank God for my friend Jenny who opened the door to allow me to have a place to sleep!!! I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a ministry of people who were able to pray for me and help me!!! I THANK GOD, I didn't lose my mind through all the mess that I've been through!!!

So, why am I "down in my spirit?"

I just spent about 3 hours talking to two women who were just released from prison--the two prisons that I'm gonna be volunteering at. They are struggling, but through their struggle, they are making it by the grace of God. I was with Steph, a good friend of mine who had also been to prison. She really ministered to those women. I saw her in a different light. She has so much fire for God, so much ferver for God...I guess I'm down in my spirit because God brought me out of the mess I was in and it seems like I still can't get it right....I don't spend time reading my Bible like I NEED and I don't pray like I NEED to, but I'm always asking God to get me out of something. I should be able to minister to someone with passion and pray for them fervently, but I can't. I'm so clouded with my life, that I can't get passionate about God like I NEED to be.... What is wrong with me? God has been SO GOOD to me. Instead of me running for my life and doing all I can to "get up" I'm slothful...I'm still holding on to old stuff--my past is still haunting and tormenting me. My mind is still back there. Didn't God free me?

I was just reading about the children of Israel. They were enslaved by the Egyptians--day and night, they had to serve the Egyptians. Their children were born into slavery. They were not their own. They cried unto God for help and He heard them. God created Moses to deliver them. That's why Moses was born--to deliver the children of Israel so that they could serve God. Pharoah put up a fight before letting them go, but eventually he told them to leave. After they left, God hardened Pharoah's heart because He wanted them to know that He, the almighty God, is the one that loved them enough to deliver them so they wouldn't go back. So as they were crossing the Red Sea, Pharoah and his army, instead of looking at the miracle of the sea being parted, decided to come after them causing their demise. That in itself is enough to be happy about, but this is what really got me...

"God delivered Israel that day from the oppression of the Egyptians. And Israel looked at the Egyptian dead, washed up on the shore of the sea, and realized the tremendous power that God brought against the Egyptians." --Exodus 14:29-31 The Message Bible. 

That day, at the breaking of day, God delivered them and they didn't have to see the Egyptians anymore!!

I should be happy right now because God has delivered me, but just like the children of Israel, instead of going on to serve God--He performed miracle after miracle during their exodus from Egypt and they were free.

Physically they were free, but their mind was still in bondage. They murmured and complained and eventually God got tired and instead of them getting to their promised land, the parents died in the wilderness. They were free, but they died without seeing their dream. God gave their dream to their children. I don't want to die without seeing my dreams come true. I've got to get the bondage out of my mind. I GOT TO!!! God has been too good to me and life is too good for me not to be happy!!!

Talking to those women and listening to Steph has motivated me to take advantage of my freedom....Thank God for freedom!!! So, instead of sitting hear being overwhelmed and in a funk, I'm gonna thank God and move into my future!!! I have purpose for my life and the will of God will be done!!!!

The worst part is over....I'm not in bondage anymore.