In 2010 I got a call from my brother. There was a settlement from my grandmother's will and the lawyers needed all of our addresses. From there, we kept getting notifications in the mail from the lawyers. Every month for about 6 or 7 months we were getting notices. It listed all of the beneficiaries. So I decided to contact one and it turned out to be my cousin who was fighting for us. We developed a relationship and kept in touch.
So that leads to now.....
When I walked into the hospital room. I didn't know what to expect. I was sure my dad didn't recognize me, but he was opening his eyes and moving. I was glad for this because I thought he was a vegetable or something. I asked him if he could squeeze my hand. He shook his head, "yes," but he didn't squeeze. I just sat with him. There was so much to say, but it didn't feel right to say it and WHAT exactly do I want to say?
I needed you, where were you? Why didn't you want me? Why didn't you fight for me? Why didn't you be a man and take care of me?
I am a 40 year old woman and I STILL WANT MY DAD!!
I STILL WANT HIM!!!
I don't know what the love of a father is.....
God, help!! I know the Bible says, "He will be a father to the fatherless....." and that SHOULD be enough, but why can't I be okay with just that?
God help!!!
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