It Gets Hard Sometimes

I have been searching for my dad for a LOOOONNNGGG time. Two years ago I was at a pseudo family reunion and I asked my great aunt where he was. She hemmed and hawed and then said she wasn't sure where he was. Then she asked another aunt and then someone else. My cousin then told me that she would call me.

She never did.

Also, at that time I didn't have my brother's number (he had changed phones and didn't update me) and I wasn't that comfortable even asking him. So I was left in the cold as it relates to my dad.

I got a text from my brother on yesterday telling us that dad was in the hospital and it wasn't looking good. He was found on the floor unresponsive. They don't know how long he was on the floor. His breathing was shallow. They got him to the ER quickly. He was intubated and admitted to the ICU. My brother headed to Rockford and three hours later I was on the highway headed that way too.

I was a little nervous because I hadn't seen my dad in almost 20 years. Yep, as soon as I found him, I lost him.

Back story....


I prayed and prayed to meet my dad when I was 18 years old. God answered those prayers a year later. I was helping to chaperone my cousins at a carnival in Jefferson Barracks. A man walks up to me, "Do you know who I am?" I had no clue.

"I'm your dad."

WOW, I was stunned. This is what I prayed for. Now that I have it, what?

We talked and he introduced me to his children, Trenika, and Munshy (Tim, Jr.).  I told him about me and he gave me his address and phone number.

When I got home I picked up my sister and we rode to his house. He called his mom and I was introduced to this whole new world. A few weeks later I met my grandmother (or was reintroduced to my grandmother). I was happy. I had wanted a daddy.

I had a daddy, but not a good one and I NEEDED a father to help me navigate this world.

But, what I found was that my dad...my new dad wasn't any different than my old dad (my stepdad). My stepdad was an alcoholic and so was my new dad.

DANG!!!

But, I still wanted the relationship. So I tried to keep in touch.

He moved, I moved....I still had my grandmother's number but because of caller ID, she wouldn't answer the phone when I called because my number had changed.

I tried and tried to reach out over the years. Finally, the internet was my new tool. I kept googling my dad's name. In 2008-09 a name finally came up on FB.  It was my brother. I reached out to him and we reconnected. He gave me the tea on the last 10 years in our family. Basically, our grandmother had died and his mom had died and dad has lost his mind and no one knew where he was.

Dang.....This was exhausting news, but I tried to stay in touch.

To Be Continued....