Your Time Is Up

I don't watch award shows, but I did catch the highlights of Oprah in her speech and she said, "Your Time Is Up."

That's all I needed to hear. God has been saying this to me.....For some reason I have not been able to bring myself to type #MeToo and post it online. My case is a little different from the sexual harassment or sexual assault that many women have endured for years.

I was molested....by a cousin....and it led to incest with my sister until I was in the fourth grade.

I understand that #MeToo has been used to encompass all sexual abuse, but for me I didn't classify it or I didn't put in the same category. Yea, yea, I went to my situation with Price and Musicbox, and those are classified in that category, but the molestation and incest that I endured wasn't forced. It was kids who didn't know what they were doing, having sex with each other.

I was talking to the Golfer and he told me about a girl who was having sex at 12. I asked him how did that girl know what she was doing at 12? Who told her what sex was? Who showed her that? He even told me about him having sex and being sexualized as early as age 10. That boggles my mind because I had no clue what "sex" was even though I was doing it. I just knew that at night we would do this thing that felt good. I don't recall an orgasm or penetration, just oral sex that felt good. As a matter of fact I told the Golfer that I didn't have an orgasm from sex until I was 19 and he was shocked. And that is true. Yes, I masturbated for years and had orgasms, but having normal sex with a guy never produced an orgasm until I was 19.

Anyway, I say all this to say that #MeToo fit but it didn't. And I was frustrated with all the women and the boldness that was happening because I was shamed for standing bold and telling. And I carried that shame for many years. I still feel shame because when the Golfer and I was talking, I was able to tell him about Price and Musicbox, but not about the molestation. This is a guy that talks to a lot of women and they tell him so much and when he asks me questions I answer, but I don't usually offer my stories. But he makes me comfortable which reminds me of Mister. Mister is the ONLY man that I've told my secret to.

So I've lived with this for years and I've allowed it to burden me for years and I've accepted it as my cross to bear. I mean if I have to suffer anything I guess I want it to be this (not that I would chose, but that I know the ramifications of this and any new burden will be even more of a burden).

But, I do want to LIVE AGAIN and I DO WANT TO HOPE AGAIN. And I DO WANT TO FIGHT for my faith to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.

At the same time.....