I was reminded of this last night when I text Mister. I know, I know...why am I texting him? I was bored...I don't have a TV or a computer at home and it was 7:47pm and I wanted to go to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me. So we sparked a conversation about the end of the world, yada, yada, yada...then he started flirting with me..."but, can i get some T**** before it's all over, please" was his question in relation to the world ending in a few days. He then went on to say that it was vodka talking. Which caused me to ask about his drinking...he has been drinking a lot lately and that bothered me. He explained that this time in his life was like when he was in the army...he was alone and had no reason NOT to drink. Then he asked if I could be the reason that he cut back or even stop. From there I told him that there was no way that a person could change for someone else. "It never works," is what I told him. "B*llSh*t," he replied. "....women do most of all...Loosing our daughter changed me into an insensitive *sshole...."
WOW. I was speechless. I didn't realize that after 8 years, loosing our daughter was still eating him alive. I thought about Sethe. "She was my best thing...," Sethe said to Paul D. Sethe didn't understand that life didn't stand still on that tragic day...but it was still moving forward. Mister was experiencing the same depression, the same despair, the same heartache and pain. Yes, I get sad that our daughter is dead too, but I know that she is in heaven. I know that for sure. I know that...It doesn't haunt me. Yes, I want to have a baby and yes, I want to be mommy, but my heart is not broken. I'm not in pain...
So, here he is living in the past...won't let it go and I'm afraid for him. Not only am I afraid for him, I'm concerned about me because I continue the relationship. It's like I want to keep the connection because I want to help him, but I CAN"T. There is nothing that I can do for him, but pray. I can't help him get over the hurt. How do I move forward? I don't want this past relationship to stop me. I can't grow like that. I can't do what I'm supposed to do when I'm keep taking two steps forward and two steps backwards.
He invited me to the Black Expo. He even told me that his "slave" would not mind because she knows all about me. Yes, his SLAVE. I'm not sure how that works, but this woman has agreed to be his SLAVE. How could we be together?? Would I have to be his SLAVE?? He said the he'd change for me and I told him that in order for us to be together, I'd have to change. He agreed to that. But, what would that change be? I CAN NOT conceive in my mind how the modern day SLAVE relationship works. He's even changed her name. Well, not legally, but he calls her something different then her legal name. I know Brittany Spears sang the song, "I'm a slave for you..." but literally??
We ended our conversation with him saying that he missed me and that I could be his guest. I didn't want to admit that I missed him also. I do, but not really. I miss the intimacy and even the sex, but him...his ways, his ideology...his lifestyle of smoking, drinking, pot.... I'm such the opposite and not in a good, opposites attract type of way. I mean, I don't drink, I despise smoke of any kind and I refuse to be a slave....
How would that work?? I need to leave the past in the past...
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