Coming Out of the Cave

In February I blogged about "the incident" with Mel in the tow truck. This has haunted me because I felt so violated. I know that it was only a touch, but that's how molestation starts. And this incident brought up all types of feelings and emotions from when I was molested as a child. And being that young and not knowing what was happening and being powerless over the situation has robbed me of emotional stability as an adult. I have major trust issues, I have a hard time opening up and allowing someone to help me. I have issues that stem from sexual abuse as a child that affects me as a woman. So, having him touch me like that and being in a situation where I felt I couldn't say anything really affected me mentally and emotionally. I became very angry. VERY ANGRY!!! I wanted to call him to cuss him out. I wanted to tell him that he was a sick bastard. I wanted to tell his girlfriend so that she would know how sick and twisted he is. I know, I know, it was only a little touch, but I didn't give him permission to touch my body. I wasn't flirting with him--NEVER HAVE. I've never given him the impression that I was physically attracted to him, so why would he, someone who is supposed to be my friend, put his hands on me like that. I didn't know how to deal with it. So I became reclusive. I retreated into myself. I ran to my cave. Not a physical cave, but a dark, dank, cave in my mind. It was lonely and cold and I wanted to do something about it, but I didn't know what to do. So, I sank deeper and deeper and before I knew it was depressed. I didn't realize how depressed I was until I went to the doctor and answered a questionnaire. "Do you feel sad..... Do you feel fatigue...." And I still haven't dealt with the issue.

My mentor sent me an email and asked the questions, "Who are the 5 people in your inner circle?" I responded back and said that I didn't have anyone and I shared with her my depression and how I've retreated and reverted because of the memories of my childhood. Of course, like a mother and mentor, she helped to boost me back up. Then I went to church on Sunday and my pastor spoke about how David was anointed to be king, but he went into hiding because King Saul wanted to kill him. After he ministered that word from God, I got my freedom from the depression, but I still need to deal with the issue because Mel keeps calling me. I wish he would just go away, but I know he won't. I have to stand up for myself and let him know that he violated me. But, how do I do that? That's my problem. Being molested robbed me of the inner strength to be able to stand up and speak up for myself. I was robbed of the power over my own body. I don't know if I mentioned in the blog about "the incident' about how my body responded to his touch. Emotionally and mentally I was repulsed, but my physical body was turned on by his touch which made me even more depressed. I've heard of incidences where a woman was being raped and she was resisting the attack, but she had an orgasm. That is sick that you can't make your body not do that. And knowing that made me ever more mad. So, how to I tell him that he did that to me? He made me revert back to the little child with no power and no control. In essence he was taking away my power and I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, but instead I just ignored him and allowed the little sore to become infected.

So, on Tuesday when I was at church an Elder come to me to encourage me. She let me know that she felt me in her spirit. She felt the retreat, the reversion, the depression and she let me know that she was there. I'm tearing up right now because I've had to fight alone for so long that having someone in my corner as a shoulder to lean on is very foreign. So, it is difficult to receive help, but to get over this, to become the success and live happily I have to allow others to mentor me and minister to the hurt. It encouraged me to know that she is willing to be strong and help me to stand!!!

I've come out of the cave and I'm making strides to not stay down, but I still need help in dealing with Mel. I was gonna call the sexual assault agency in town to see if they had some resources to help me to deal with confronting him because if I don't deal with it, it won't go away!