Have Mercy on Me, Jesus!

It's 5:09am and I can't sleep. As a matter of fact, I've had a TERRIBLE time sleeping this past week. Actually, I've just been having a TERRIBLE time sleeping (period). Torment...yep, that's the problem. I've been tormented.

On about June 4 I heard God speak to me. He basically told me that if I don't use what He has given he, he would take it away. He gave me the parable of the talents in Luke 19. There was a king who was going away....he gave each of his servants a certain amount of talents and he told them to take care of it and make it increase until he got back. Some of the servants took his talents and make it grow while one of them hid it because he was afraid. He didn't believe in himself--that he could do something with the talent. So the king took the talent away from him and gave it to the ones who did something with it.

When I heard this word from God, it convicted my heart. Then on that Sunday, June 5, the sermon was about this very thing. I knew that this was from God. But I didn't move. I imagined in my head what I would do, but I didn't do anything.

Now, I'm sitting it bed at 5:17am tormented because when we are disobedient to God we bring a curse upon our lives and I don't wanna be cursed, but when I look at what I'm going through, I can only deduce this.

Last weekend I failed at what God was blessing me with concerning my weight loss (I was supposed to be apart of a weight loss program that was going to be paid for, but I couldn't do the MRI and that depressed me. Then they denied me for the other program because of my thyroid.) I got really down in my spirits and I reached out to Mister--whom I absolutely should NOT be communicating with (WHEN GOD FREES YOU, WHY GO BACK TO BONDAGE?) But I needed some comfort and Mister has been that comfort to me. WHY?? when the Holy Spirit says that He would be my comforter?

WRETCHEDNESS.....that's where I'm at right now.

So, I'm up writing because I need to get this out and I need to process and move on.

THIS ISN'T SO HARD, BUT I MAKE IT HARD!!

WHY?

Now I'm tormented because I know God is a forgiving God, but we reap what we sow and disobedience and being cursed is no joke!! But, how do we reverse the curse?

I've been praying to God about my laziness and my fear and both of those are a curse. Fearful people are cursed. The man even told the servant that being fearful is no way to live. He called him wicked and lazy.....

I've been lazy and I've made excuses and I NEED GOD'S MERCY AND GRACE!!