Feel So Free

I've been really heavy this week. Before the new year, my pastor's wife had been speaking about forgiveness. One thing she said was that we can't be forgiven by God if we don't forgive others. My heart became very heavy because I had buried some things and as she was speaking those things were unearthed. And I had to tell myself that I needed to forgive. It took some time, but I did and the heaviness lifted. Now my pastor is preaching about shame. He said that sometimes after a person has come to Christ, a spirit of shame can overtake them because the devil will torment them with all the stuff that they've done. As he was preaching and teaching about that, my heart became heavy again. I never understood why I always felt that I wasn't forgiven, why I felt I needed to keep repenting for things over and over again. He explained that a spirit of shame will make you believe that what you did was so bad, that God had not forgiven you--that God was still holding you to your past, when in fact it was the opposite. God has not only forgiven, but He has forgotten. The Bible says that as far as the east is from the west, that's how God has removed our sins when we ask for forgiveness. But for some reason, I kept holding on to the things that I've done, not just the things from my past, but the things that has caused me to be in the state that I'm in now--my lack of obedience to God. I was so ashamed of myself that I kept unforgiveness in my heart for myself. He explained that shame also causes us to become distanced from our brothers and sisters in Christ. The body of Christ is supposed to fellowship and show love for one another, but I never wanted to fellowship. I never felt the love. This is one the reasons I felt I couldn't go to anyone in my church because I felt so beneath them--like I had lived such a life contrary to the word of God that I couldn't be forgiven by others. The spirit of shame caused me to be bound in my mind. On morning I was dreaming and in my dream I was reminded of some things I had done when I was 19 years old and the enemy was telling me that I never apologized for it. He was telling me that I needed to go back to the person that I did it to and apologize. I hadn't even remembered those things, but he was tormenting me. I battled and battled with that torment, but today I was set free.

My pastor preached about how Adam and Eve were shamed in the garden of Eden for their disobedience. After the sermon everyone went to the altar for prayer. I just prayed to God and told Him how tired I was of carrying my shame and guilt of the past. There is nothing I can do about my past. I can't change it, so I was asking God for grace to live with knowing that I have done wrong, but have been forgiven. I asked God to help me to believe that my sins have been washed in His blood. HE sent HIs son die for my sins. I can't die for them. I can't save myself. So, He did it for me. When I left the altar, I felt so much lighter. I felt free from that burden and I'm gonna walk in my freedom.

THANK GOD FOR FREEDOM!!