I Knew It

My aunt has been in the hospital. She's not doing so well. She has continuous heart failure. The doctors say that she's in the last stages of heart failure and the treatment that they are giving her has a 40% chance of extending her life for a year. It's somber news and I don't want my aunt to die, but it's what we are facing now. I've been trying to imagine her not being here. It's hard to think about. I mention  her because every time I talk to her, she ask me about who "I'm With?" Meaning who am I dating, who am I sleeping with, etc. Of course the answer right now is NO ONE.

I got food poisoning on January 7 and it was so bad I was throwing up and had diarrhea all night long. It was HORRIBLE. My niece had food poisoning a week prior to that? 

What is wrong in my household?

Well, the sweet potatoes stayed a little too long in the refrigerator and I ate them and fed some to my niece. I felt so bad. Then a week later I had new sweet potatoes and I guess they stayed a little too long in the refrigerator and it got me.

Anyway throwing every hour all night long will you have praying to God for help and that's what I did and while praying I realized that I needed to throw up to get the poison out of my body. And I realized that Charles and Bryan were both poison. Charles caused me so much stress and I met Bryan under false pretenses so why continue to see him. So I sent both of them a final text saying that I didn't want to see them anymore and then I blocked them both. And I've been more productive. I just deleted FB dating also. So I am really single.

I got a text on the way to the hospital to see my aunt on Saturday, "How's your love life?" It took me a minute to figure out who it was was and I realized that it was David or Golf Guy. I hadn't talked to him since April 2019. I blocked him because he sent me this extremely sexual text and I was just disgusted. I felt disrespected. I've told David more than once that we were friends and that I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, so he was on the blocked list. Then I randomly unblocked him and he texted me. So yesterday we began to catch up and talk about why we lost touch. He let me know that he had tried to call me and text me, but I was blocked. I explained to him why I blocked him, which was because I was so stressed that I was going to therapy for past sexual abuse and him sending me that text was a major trigger and I couldn't handle that trigger. So I blocked him. He apologized. And now here we are. I really enjoy David's company but I'm not sure what he'll do with this new found news of sexual abuse in my past. I told him that I'm celibate because I can't just sleep with guy after guy. I can't do the casual sex, casual dating thing. My psyche can't handle it. My spirit and soul can't handle it. So if he only wants to talk to me because he thinks he has a chance at having sex with me, this won't last long. I've gotten rid of the poison and I don't need to add more!!