Prayze Cafe

My friend, Tonya, invited me to the Prayze Cafe in Riverdale. They were having a pre-Christmas event with all types of entertainment. I told her that I didn't have any money, but that was okay with her because I was gonna be a her guest, so she was paying for everything--hotel, food, gas, etc. I sent my pastor's wife and email tell her of my plans basically because I don't have any family here and I like for somebody to know where I am. I also wanted her to know because I wanted to ask her if that was a good idea. Tonya is a good friend, but she hasn't been doing so well. Her goal for going was to meet someone. My motive for going was to have a warm place to sleep...and the entertainment. Well, my spiritual mom told me to make sure that I don't get distracted by my friends actions.

After a few days, I decided that I didn't want to go. My fiasco this morning sealed the deal. I was just exacerbated. I couldn't get my head straight. I was fighting depression and anger--I was just tired of my situation. If it wasn't so cold, I think I could deal with it.......

So, I didn't call Tonya. I figured that I'd just let her know on Sunday that I wasn't able to make it.

At 6pm I was getting ready for a meeting with my boss at the nonprofit that I volunteer at. I was at the university and I walked out to my car and it didn't start....for 30 minutes. I called one of the girls that I work with to tell her that I was gonna be late and she told me that the meeting was cancelled. My boss was sick. "Great!!!" I thought to myself. I was sitting in the car trying to start my car and I could be sitting in the cozy University lounge watching TV. I took a breathe and sat and waiting until my car started. I decided to go to Panera Bread--free wifi and nobody cares if you sit there for hours on your computer. I got to Panera with $5 and some change. I decided to get a cookie--at least I could try to act like I came here for the food :-). While going to get water, I noticed Tonya sitting there. I went over. "We 'sposed to be in Riverdale right now!" She said. I told her that I was stuck all day and I mad and just not really feeling it. She said she understood. I sat and rattled on and on about how this was such a horrible year for me. She asked me where I lived. I lied and made up a story about how I have no money and I'm about to be evicted. I wanted to tell her so badly that I was sleeping in my car, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Sure enough she asked me if she could come over to use my shower :-(. She said that she only has a bathtub and it's that time of the month and she feels so gross not being able to shower during that time. I told her to call me. Ugh!!!! What am I gonna do? I hate having to lie!!! Plus, she's my friend, even though she's going through some craziness in her life. We chatted some more. A couple of weeks ago she invited me to her house for Christmas. I accepted the invitation. I told her that I was gonna bring carmel pecan pie, but now I had no money and I couldn't bring anything. We both laughed about it being a horrible year and right before she left, she threw $20 on the table. I'm trying not to cry now thinking about it.

She's gone now and I'm sitting in Panera shivering feeling quite overloaded. I feel tired. What am I doing wrong?????

I decided that I'm gonna tell my pastor's wife what's going on. I'm gonna swallow my pride because I can't do this on my own!!!!! I need help and everything that I've tried, has not worked!!!!!!