When I told Mister I was pregnant and he said he wanted to marry me. I got nervous. I stopped the adoption procedures even though there was a family in Florida who was interested and we had been communicating quite a bit. I also was talking to a doula because I didn't want to go into labor alone. I was making all of these plans alone, but when he found out. I needed to change plans because he had this situation happen before with a woman he was involved with 5 years prior and the woman contacted adoption agencies and had his daughter (he didn't know if it was his daughter--same situation, different woman) adopted without his knowledge. So I couldn't go that route because he was gonna have it that way and I couldn't stay with him. Our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I didn't want the headache. I mean, he was a drug addict and I grew up with an alcohol and drug addicted dad, so I didn't want that in my life. I didn't want to try to make it work. How can you walk in shoes that are too small? Eventually, your feet are going to start hurting and you aren't gonna be able to walk....Me and Mister didn't fit.
So I did what I knew to do...I started praying. And I prayed HARD.
I went into labor on July 27, 2004 at 25 weeks pregnant. I didn't know I was in labor I just stood up and there was liquid coming out and my jeans were soaked and I thought I had pee'd my pants. I didn't feel anything, just this fluid. I called my doc, she sounded calm, but I was freaking out and she told me to go to the emergency room. I did and they tested the fluid...it was inconclusive. They couldn't tell if it was amniotic fluid so they called my doc. She showed up, did an ultrasound and told me that I was funneling.The amniotic sac was bulging through my cervix. I was one centimeter dilated--I was in labor.
I called Mister and told him.
He rushed to the hospital.
I was flown to a hospital with an advanced NICU about 40 miles from where I live. Mister drove and beat us to the hospital. At around 8:30am July 28, 2004 Talia Renee made her debut. My eyes were closed the entire time. When the doctor lifted her up so I could see her, my eyes were closed. I was afraid to look. I had to have a c-section because she was breech and a baby at 25 weeks should NOT be born breech because the head is the biggest part and it could get stuck and she was already in critical condition being so premature....
I was in recovery and my eyes was closed the whole time.
After she was born she stayed in the hospital for 20 days and then her organs began to fail. She had massive blood clots on her brain and she wasn't going to make it. There was no brain function at all. Mister couldn't take it. He left before they took her off the machines. I stayed, had my head down the whole time. When the machine stopped, I helped clean her up and I held her for the first time. I cried. Even though I prayed to God that He would take her, I cried because she was mine and she was gone.
Mister took it harder. He started smoking in addition to drinking. We were living together at that time. We started living together after I went into labor and we drove 40 miles every other day to see her and we stayed at the hospital housing and motels on the weekends because we had to work during the week. I was in graduate school--I was on maternity leave, but Mister was working so we couldn't stay the night during the week. When she died I had to plan a funeral.
To be continued....
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