Speechless

I've been thinking about this blog post for days.....not really knowing what to write, not wanting to complain, but wanting to express myself.  You know...just get it out, but something was stopping me.  I didn't want to complain because I'm grateful to God for keeping me.  I've living rent free, I don't have to pay utilities....what more could I ask for??

*tears in my eyes*

But, despite all of this....GOD is STILL faithful to me. He's never left me and He continues to show me His love, grace, and mercy.

So, I've been struggling financially and I just told God that I need a financial blessing. I've been giving to my church, I've been being obedient by being a blessing to my spiritual father, just like the Bible tells me.  I haven;t been complaining even though my car note is 3 months past due...I just been trusting God.  When my refrigerator was empty, He made sure that I was able to get some food and have the food last.  When I didnt't have deodorant, He made sure that the price was just right so that I could what I needed....He was and is still faithful to bless me. But, I didnt' want to be in distress. I have doctor bills that I need to pay, I have to go to the doctor tomorrow, I have to go to dentist....I have other things that I need to pay for like my car insurance and my student loans....but what I have coming in is just enough to keep gas in my car and food on the table.  I don't have money for extras....not that I NEED anything extra, I just want to be able to take care of my basic needs without having to ask for a handout....

So, I was gonna write this blog earlier, but I didn't want to complain, I just kept thinking about how God TOOK CARE OF the children of Israel when they left Egypt.  Their clothes didn't wear out nor did their shoes wear our for 40 years.  They were fed everyday...they had water.  They had their basic needs met. I remember reading about how at one point they began to charge high fees for certain things and they complained to the Judges and the Judges made laws that they had to forgive their debts and lower the prices so that they could live comfortably in the wilderness.  However, the wilderness was not supposed to be home.  It was a transition...it was a passageway!!  But, they got stuck and died there.

I don't want to get comfortable her.  I was trying to...that's why I wanted to buy a new bed and get new furniture.  I wanted to make this my home....as uncomfortable as I am here, I still wanted this to be my home.  But, since I just left Egypt, I don't want to make this my home. I've got a better place.  Even though sometimes my mind tries to take me back to Egypt, I realize that I don't want to go back and I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE!!

And I didn't want to complain about here.

The children of Israel complained and they DIED because of it...well, that and the fact that they still had an Egyptian mindset.  They didn't see themselves living better than as slaves in Egypt.  They couldn't fathom it....

Well, I'm determined to move from here to what God has promised for me. So, I will keep the faith and stand on the word of God.  So, instead of complain I just been thinking about God's word.

In His word, it says that in the wilderness He took care of them, so God I need You to take care of me!!  I don't have the means to...You fed the, You clothed them...they didn't want for anything.  As a matter of fact when they left Egypt, they left with treasures, Exodus 12:36, " The Lord made sure that the Egyptians were kind to the people so that they let them have whatever they asked for. And so they robbed the Egyptians." The Message Bible.

So, they didn't leave Egypt broke!!

Father, I need some stuff that gonna carry me through this wilderness!!!

The children of Israel wondered for 40 years.  It was only supposed to take them 11 days.  So, the stuff that they took were was supposed to go with them into their promise so that they could live the good life.  They were going to a land flowing with mild and honey, they were going to a land of abundance, so with all the stuff they had, they were gonna fit right in?

Have you ever been to a place where you stuck out like a sore thumb because everyone was dressed a certain way, but you didn't know what to wear, so you had on the opposite.  Well, the children of Israel wasn't gonna have that problem because the gold, silver, livestock...all of that was gonna be used when they moved to their new homes.  They had no use for it in the wilderness.  As a matter of fact they used to for what they knew back in Egypt...idolatry.  Moses didn't know God when he was in Egypt...he was Pharoah's adopted heir, so he lived as the Egyptians lived and they were idolators....So, they used the jeweler to erect a false god to worship.

But, that jewelry was supposed to be worn in their new home...in the land of abundance.

I want to get my stuff while I"m in the wilderness so that when I go to my new home I will fit right in.

So, why am I speechless?????

All of this has been on my mind and I've been trying to stay stress free and not worry about finances.  So, imagine my surprise when I get a call from a 618 area code.  I thought it was my little brother because I had just talked to him earlier.  It turns out, it was my other little brother...my real father's son.  He was calling to get my address and phone number because when my grandmother died, actually before she died when I used to visit her she used to tell me that she wanted to make sure that my sister and I was listed as beneficiaries along with my brother and other sister. I guess she did just that because my brother said that we have some money coming.  He doesn't know how much....but, in a month we will be receiving something from the courts.....

I thank God for my silver and gold, my livestock and linens....whatever I need to take care of my needs so that when I move all the debt will be erased and I will be able to be a blessing to a lot of people.!!