Don't You Hate That Feeling....Part II

"Ideas are everywhere, the trick is turning them in to something, " Paul Fleischman.

I used to have anxiety all the time...It started around 2004 after I lost my daughter. At first I didn't notice it, but then it came so often and sometimes for no reason. I would just be sitting and have a panic attack. Over the years, I learned to deal with it and it began to go away. Then a couple of years ago it came back.  Mainly because I DREAM BIG....I have these GRAND IDEAS in my head, but they seem so FAR from reach.  So, it would cause me to be anxious. 

I never considered myself to be smart. I always wanted to BE smart, but I never thought I WAS/AM smart. So I would pray to God for help and He would answer me, so I then began to become creative and I would pray to God for creative ideas and He would give them to me. So now I don't say/think that I'm smart, I say/think that God has given me the ability to think, plan, create, etc. But, when an idea comes to me that I WANT to do, but have no idea HOW I would be able to or if I feel intimidated, it gives me great anxiety.

One of the causes according to wikipedia is, "Lack of assertiveness — A growing body of evidence supports the idea that those that suffer from panic attacks engage in a passive style of communication or interactions with others. This communication style, while polite and respectful, is also characteristically un-assertive. This un-assertive way of communicating seems to contribute to panic attacks while being frequently present in those that are afflicted with panic attacks."

And I really believe that this is the reason for my panic attacks...

In the past I have been intimidated and suffered greatly from inferiority.  The Bible explains it like this:

There were 12 spies who went to spy out the land and their job was to bring back a good report.  However, 10 spies came back and said, "we look like grasshoppers in their eyesight."  --The story of the Children of Isreal going from Egypt to their promised land in Exodus.

If they were spies, then how did they look like grasshoppers to them?  No one knows that a spy is around...they are incognito, but they were fearful, they had an spirit of inferiority. 

This was me!!

As a matter of fact, just on last week I was invited, at the last minute, to a meeting to network with some Pastors for a project.  I had just finished Zumba class and the Pastor that was inviting me told me that it would be okay to attend just the way that I was.  He said that he was going in his gym clothes. So, I ran to my office, got my business cards and some flyers and headed out.  When I walked into the room, immediately I panicked.  Everyone was in business attired and it wasn't just Pastor/Clergy...there were professionals from the school district and other businesses. 

Here I was representing the health department in gym clothes.  Albeit, I had just finished working, but still..I needed to present myself better.  After I panicked, I began to feel quite small.....and their eyes were on me when I walked in (I was a little late). I began to get mad at the Pastor for telling me to come like that, but instead I gathered myself and confidently sat and talked and ate.  I wasn't totally confident, but I was enough to speak to and hug the superintendent and several others.  THANK GOD!! I was able to cast down those thoughts of inferiority. 

So, now I'm beginning to tread unchartered territory and there is a little trepediation, but I'm casting down fear, anxiety, panic, inferiority...because there is work for me to do!!!  I can't die in the wilderness like the children of Isreal. Out of 2M adults, only 2 (Joshua & Caleb) were able to go into the promised land.  I can't die on the way to my promised land!!! I refuse to die!!!

THANK GOD!!!!  I'm not gonna die here!!!