So here I was pregnant and alone and 26 years old. I was in graduate school and I didn't want to have a baby that I didn't know who the father was. As a matter of I knew it was married guys baby, but it could have been Mister's. The situation was crazy and too much for me to handle so I began the process of looking for an adoptive family. Mister had gotten a job in another city, so there was no reason for me to involve him. The other guy didn't want to be involved so I made the decision and began talking with a family in Florida. Time was going by and Mister and I was still having sex...
Wrong move.....
My belly was getting bigger and in June 2004 Mister asked me if I was pregnant.
Yes....was my only response....
The only thing he said was, "You wanna get married?"
I didn't, but I didn't have the courage to tell him NO, so I just said not because I was pregnant. And that was that. We continued our day in bliss.
I lied to him and told him I didn't know the due date and I invited him to my doctor's appt on July 5. He came and it was awkward because clearly I had been going to doctor and I knew everything that was going on, but I pretended not to...
Wrong move....
This was the first time they did an ultra sound and the said it looked like a girl. Mister was so nervous. He couldn't hardly do anything. When we left I was horny and wanted to have sex (I was super horny during my second trimester.) Mister couldn't perform. He was so emotional. I knew this was not going to go well, so I began to pray...
I prayed to God that I didn't want to be in the situation that I was in and that God would curse the seed....there is a scripture about cursing the seed of the heathen....I don't know where it is, but I heard it before and I prayed that just like God had cursed the seed of my friends baby when she found herself pregnant and delivered early and the baby died, God could do that for me.
HOW SELFISH!!!!
A few weeks later, I went into labor.....July 27 and my daughter was born July 28.
Mister never questioned if she was his even though I knew he wanted to ask me. But things happened so fast. He didn't have time to question. 20 days later she died.
I NEVER told him that I suspected that he wasn't the father and I NEVER told him what I had prayed.
However, this came between us. He was TERRIBLY heart broken and I became terribly sick and the doctors told me that I could die. So I became paranoid and recommitted my life to Christ. I tried to persuade Mister that God could help, but he told me that he didn't believe in God anymore because he prayed to God that our daughter would not die and God didn't answer his prayers.
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH......
He didn't know that I was praying that exact opposite...that God would take her because I didn't want to deal with the situation that I was in.
And because Mister didn't believe in Jesus, his prayers weren't heard. How do you pray to a God you don' t believe in? And I was using the scripture when I prayed, so God heard me and answered me.
How do I tell him this?
I didn't. I couldn't stand to tell him.
So I held on to this guilt and shame and I told God that I wanted to fix it. I told God that I wanted to LOVE the hell out of Mister. But....I couldn't.
I received this message from him
"If there is a God, I can not forgive him for the loss of my daughter. If there is a plan it doesn't include me because God should know that I wouldn't turn to faith. I would turn away from it. So if you got something good out of loosing her then I'm glad that you are able to not suffer like I do, because I'm still pissed. That's why she was my light. She was the only hope for my soul, if such things exist."
The last part about light was in reference to a tattoo that he got with a symbol her her being his light.
I was in tears reading this and I made it up in my mind that now is the time to tell him. And I've been praying to God about how....
He asked me a couple months ago about doing a Story Corp about our daughter and I never agreed to it, but I asked him about it and when we could do it because this is something that I need to get off my chest.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Monday, January 4, 2016
Withholding NOTHING
Secrets.....secrets....secrets....secrets....
I'm very good at keeping secrets. The problem is that some secrets are NOT supposed to be kept. I've been holding on to a secret for the past 11 going on 12 years and I believe that NOW is the time to divulge. I just need the spirit of God to HELP me because this secret is destructive!!
And I believe this secret is the reason I am still TIED to Mister....
Mister and I met in 2002. When we met, it was electric, you know, fireworks, and sparks, flying and everything. I was into him and he was into me. The problem is...I had just broken up with someone. As a matter of fact, I had just had an abortion from a relationship with a guy who was married.
I didn't know he was married....
Until his wife call me.....
And I didn't know what to do. He had lied to me for a year; he had even told me that he wanted to marry me....So I was so upset when I found out he was married. I wasn't terribly heartbroken, but upset. A month later I found out I was pregnant and a month later, I terminated the pregnancy. Of course we broke up and he didn't want me to do that, but I did. A month after that I was working at the community college where I met Mister.
I remember that night vividly.....it was April and before this night I had kept hearing about this guy D*********. All the women were talking about Mister, but I didn't know who he was and I hadn't met him yet. This night at the banquet, I was sitting at the staff table and at the next table over was another staff table and he was sitting there. Our eyes met and immediately I wanted to know who he was....later he would tell me that he asked someone sitting at his table who I was.
After that I found out that this was D********, the guy all the women were talking about. As time went on, the guy I broke up with and I started back talking and we got back together. He would come to visit me at work and one day as he was visiting, we were on the parking lot talking and Mister was at the entrance looking our way. Immediately, my guy grabbed me and hugged me. I noticed Mister looking and he noticed Mister looking....this was a guy thing...a territory thing...an ego thing. And I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but I let it go.
A few days later I get a call asking me if I remembered the guy watching us while we were hugging on the parking lot. Apparently this was a significant moment. I pretended not to, but my guy went on to grill me about him. WHAT??? WHY was he asking me about some guy that I don't even talk to. At that point, I knew Mister, but we hadn't talked except for brief "Hello's" in passing. This round of questioning was accusatory. Like something was going on between us....I had no ideal why he was asking me all this stuff....until the next day.
I asked Mister if he could come to my office and I asked him if he knew my bf. I told him that my bf seems to think that something was going on between us and I wasn't sure why. This is when Mister tells me that he and my guy have words in the cafeteria. He asked my guy if we were together and he said it in a not so innocent way--a suggestive way and my guy told him that we were....some male ego exchanged in those words and this created a problem....
Now my guy was thinking that something was going on and I was cheating on him and this continued until we broke up finally in November 2002.
In February 2003 Mister was flirting with me and I told him that I was single....he asked me out. I gave him my number and invited him to a band concert that my brothers were playing at....
He was late, but we enjoyed the concert and afterwards we went to Steak-N-Shake. This is where things got tricky and sticky...
During out time at Steak-N-Shake, Mister told me that he didn't believe in Jesus and the only thing I heard inside was 'RUN!! RUN, RUN, RUN...." But I ignored the voice of God and sat there. I don't know why. I didn't have enough courage to get up and walk away.....
God, why don't I have courage??
So we finished our talk and that night we ended up having sex. He stole my panties.....
From there we talked and I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to just sleep with him or if I really liked him. At that time he had a gf--nothing serious and he left her for me. No one had done that for me before. I didn't know how to feel. He expected me to leave, but I stayed when he broke up with this girl he had been see.....
After that, it was a rollar coaster ride of me breaking up with him and calling him back....He was so charming and he felt safe...I could talk to him. As a matter of fact, he is the man I shared my secrets with--secrets of sexual abuse and promiscuity that was a result. I felt like I could talk to him....but I didn't love him enough to mess up my relationship with God. I mean, yea I was fornicating and that was a problem with God, but to commit to a man who didn't BELIEVE in God was diabolical!! I had enough sense to NOT go down that rabbit hole, but not enough strength to keep my legs closed.
Break up and make up went on for a long time and then I tried to get back with him in February 2004 and he wasn't having it. We were done. And guess who walked right back into my life....yep the ex who had been married. We went to dinner and just like old times, we had sex. However, it was the WORST and I never wanted to talk to him again.
So I called Mister and even though we weren't together, we still had sex.
A month later I found out I was pregnant....
I called the married guy (who wasn't married anymore) and told him. He was trying to rush me off the phone. If was an USHER video for real. Dag, how to fiction imitate real life? And it was March 2004. I don't remember if he called me back or how he and I ended, but months went by and this was the loneliest time of my life. I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't know what to do.
I was pregnant and I didn't know who the father was. I was so ashamed and embarrassed....
To be continued...
I'm very good at keeping secrets. The problem is that some secrets are NOT supposed to be kept. I've been holding on to a secret for the past 11 going on 12 years and I believe that NOW is the time to divulge. I just need the spirit of God to HELP me because this secret is destructive!!
And I believe this secret is the reason I am still TIED to Mister....
Mister and I met in 2002. When we met, it was electric, you know, fireworks, and sparks, flying and everything. I was into him and he was into me. The problem is...I had just broken up with someone. As a matter of fact, I had just had an abortion from a relationship with a guy who was married.
I didn't know he was married....
Until his wife call me.....
And I didn't know what to do. He had lied to me for a year; he had even told me that he wanted to marry me....So I was so upset when I found out he was married. I wasn't terribly heartbroken, but upset. A month later I found out I was pregnant and a month later, I terminated the pregnancy. Of course we broke up and he didn't want me to do that, but I did. A month after that I was working at the community college where I met Mister.
I remember that night vividly.....it was April and before this night I had kept hearing about this guy D*********. All the women were talking about Mister, but I didn't know who he was and I hadn't met him yet. This night at the banquet, I was sitting at the staff table and at the next table over was another staff table and he was sitting there. Our eyes met and immediately I wanted to know who he was....later he would tell me that he asked someone sitting at his table who I was.
After that I found out that this was D********, the guy all the women were talking about. As time went on, the guy I broke up with and I started back talking and we got back together. He would come to visit me at work and one day as he was visiting, we were on the parking lot talking and Mister was at the entrance looking our way. Immediately, my guy grabbed me and hugged me. I noticed Mister looking and he noticed Mister looking....this was a guy thing...a territory thing...an ego thing. And I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but I let it go.
A few days later I get a call asking me if I remembered the guy watching us while we were hugging on the parking lot. Apparently this was a significant moment. I pretended not to, but my guy went on to grill me about him. WHAT??? WHY was he asking me about some guy that I don't even talk to. At that point, I knew Mister, but we hadn't talked except for brief "Hello's" in passing. This round of questioning was accusatory. Like something was going on between us....I had no ideal why he was asking me all this stuff....until the next day.
I asked Mister if he could come to my office and I asked him if he knew my bf. I told him that my bf seems to think that something was going on between us and I wasn't sure why. This is when Mister tells me that he and my guy have words in the cafeteria. He asked my guy if we were together and he said it in a not so innocent way--a suggestive way and my guy told him that we were....some male ego exchanged in those words and this created a problem....
Now my guy was thinking that something was going on and I was cheating on him and this continued until we broke up finally in November 2002.
In February 2003 Mister was flirting with me and I told him that I was single....he asked me out. I gave him my number and invited him to a band concert that my brothers were playing at....
He was late, but we enjoyed the concert and afterwards we went to Steak-N-Shake. This is where things got tricky and sticky...
During out time at Steak-N-Shake, Mister told me that he didn't believe in Jesus and the only thing I heard inside was 'RUN!! RUN, RUN, RUN...." But I ignored the voice of God and sat there. I don't know why. I didn't have enough courage to get up and walk away.....
God, why don't I have courage??
So we finished our talk and that night we ended up having sex. He stole my panties.....
From there we talked and I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to just sleep with him or if I really liked him. At that time he had a gf--nothing serious and he left her for me. No one had done that for me before. I didn't know how to feel. He expected me to leave, but I stayed when he broke up with this girl he had been see.....
After that, it was a rollar coaster ride of me breaking up with him and calling him back....He was so charming and he felt safe...I could talk to him. As a matter of fact, he is the man I shared my secrets with--secrets of sexual abuse and promiscuity that was a result. I felt like I could talk to him....but I didn't love him enough to mess up my relationship with God. I mean, yea I was fornicating and that was a problem with God, but to commit to a man who didn't BELIEVE in God was diabolical!! I had enough sense to NOT go down that rabbit hole, but not enough strength to keep my legs closed.
Break up and make up went on for a long time and then I tried to get back with him in February 2004 and he wasn't having it. We were done. And guess who walked right back into my life....yep the ex who had been married. We went to dinner and just like old times, we had sex. However, it was the WORST and I never wanted to talk to him again.
So I called Mister and even though we weren't together, we still had sex.
A month later I found out I was pregnant....
I called the married guy (who wasn't married anymore) and told him. He was trying to rush me off the phone. If was an USHER video for real. Dag, how to fiction imitate real life? And it was March 2004. I don't remember if he called me back or how he and I ended, but months went by and this was the loneliest time of my life. I didn't know who to talk to and I didn't know what to do.
I was pregnant and I didn't know who the father was. I was so ashamed and embarrassed....
To be continued...
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Send It I Pray
It's been a while....I've got a lot to say, just not much motivation, but since this is the last week of the year, I need to recap. I'll start with what's going on right now...
Mister is in town. I know, I know, I know....
I had a lapse of sensible judgement and went to visit him last weekend and it was GREAT! Then my brother asked me to go to Ohio for Christmas and the only reason I agreed to go was because I made it in my mind that I wanted to spend Christmas with Mister, so that's what I did.
Wrong move...
I ended the night praying to God and promising NEVER to be with Mister again. I had an allergy attack and around 3am, I could not breath. I thought I was gonna end up in the ER, but I went to Walgreens and got some meds that had ephedrine in it. It worked, but then I had the shakes and my heart felt like it was gonna beat out of my chest. If being with Mister didn't kill me, I was for sure that medicine would. During my time with Mister, my sister got engaged....
Yes, I got a call around 10am from my aunt on Christmas day asking me if it was for real that my sister got engaged. I jumped up out of the bed. I was so mad that I missed it!! Dag...I rushed to Ohio and sure enough, her bf proposed at 2am and my other sis posted the pics on FB. Dang it....
So, I asked my sis about how she was going to get married and she said, "We going to Niagara Falls."
DAG!!!
I'm happy for her, but Niagara Falls was my plan.
Now I gotta come up with a new plan. Then of course I have to fight the urge to want to compare myself to my sister....she's got the house that is paid off, the man, and the ring....
I've got an apartment, $50,000 in debt, and my bed is cold at night. NOPE, I REFUSE to compare myself. I am truly happy for her, but I do question God. Actually, I understand why I am where I am...but, my sister don't love God. I do and I've been striving....striving....striving.....No matter what, I will get the focus off stuff and things and keep my focus on what God has told me!!!
He hasn't forgotten about me.
In the midst of all of this, I've been on Plenty of Fish and I met a guy, let's call him Secret because he is mysterious. He's nice and has a GREAT job and has a lot of qualities I like, but I don't think he's the one for me. I prayed about him and God gave me a dream...
I'll talk about that dream in another post....but there was another guy that I met and after texting for a while, I realized that we met before--in August 2013. This excited me, but I was disappointed because just as had happened in 2013, the same happened now--NOTHING!!
Then Mister came to town and we spent time together while he was in town. Bad move again....I can't seem to shake him. What is going on?
He just sent me this pic....It's beautiful...
He created these symbols for himself and his three children. His symbol is the circle within the circle with the line going through--The moon bound to the earth, the second is the sun/son rising--for his son, the third is his angel for Angela, and the fourth is light for Talia.
He told me he also had a symbol for me, but it's in storage somewhere.
Anyway, now it's the new year and I'm excited (apprehensive) about the potential. My goal is still to buy a house and I've got $2500 saved so far and the house I want is $47,000, so I have the 3.65% for the down payment for the FHA loan, but I'm trying to save at least 10%.
I'm also signed up for an online class this spring. so school is still going on.
Mister is in town. I know, I know, I know....
I had a lapse of sensible judgement and went to visit him last weekend and it was GREAT! Then my brother asked me to go to Ohio for Christmas and the only reason I agreed to go was because I made it in my mind that I wanted to spend Christmas with Mister, so that's what I did.
Wrong move...
I ended the night praying to God and promising NEVER to be with Mister again. I had an allergy attack and around 3am, I could not breath. I thought I was gonna end up in the ER, but I went to Walgreens and got some meds that had ephedrine in it. It worked, but then I had the shakes and my heart felt like it was gonna beat out of my chest. If being with Mister didn't kill me, I was for sure that medicine would. During my time with Mister, my sister got engaged....
Yes, I got a call around 10am from my aunt on Christmas day asking me if it was for real that my sister got engaged. I jumped up out of the bed. I was so mad that I missed it!! Dag...I rushed to Ohio and sure enough, her bf proposed at 2am and my other sis posted the pics on FB. Dang it....
So, I asked my sis about how she was going to get married and she said, "We going to Niagara Falls."
DAG!!!
I'm happy for her, but Niagara Falls was my plan.
Now I gotta come up with a new plan. Then of course I have to fight the urge to want to compare myself to my sister....she's got the house that is paid off, the man, and the ring....
I've got an apartment, $50,000 in debt, and my bed is cold at night. NOPE, I REFUSE to compare myself. I am truly happy for her, but I do question God. Actually, I understand why I am where I am...but, my sister don't love God. I do and I've been striving....striving....striving.....No matter what, I will get the focus off stuff and things and keep my focus on what God has told me!!!
He hasn't forgotten about me.
In the midst of all of this, I've been on Plenty of Fish and I met a guy, let's call him Secret because he is mysterious. He's nice and has a GREAT job and has a lot of qualities I like, but I don't think he's the one for me. I prayed about him and God gave me a dream...
I'll talk about that dream in another post....but there was another guy that I met and after texting for a while, I realized that we met before--in August 2013. This excited me, but I was disappointed because just as had happened in 2013, the same happened now--NOTHING!!
Then Mister came to town and we spent time together while he was in town. Bad move again....I can't seem to shake him. What is going on?
He just sent me this pic....It's beautiful...
He told me he also had a symbol for me, but it's in storage somewhere.
Anyway, now it's the new year and I'm excited (apprehensive) about the potential. My goal is still to buy a house and I've got $2500 saved so far and the house I want is $47,000, so I have the 3.65% for the down payment for the FHA loan, but I'm trying to save at least 10%.
I'm also signed up for an online class this spring. so school is still going on.
Friday, December 4, 2015
Do People Really Change?
I met this guy and I really like him...but I'm cautious. I don't need anymore heartbreak in my life. We've been on two dates and the last one included a limo ride and free dinner for two curtousy of a gift I won in a raffle. It was fun. I brought champagne (mock champagne) and we enjoyed ourselves. Some days I can see myself with him and some days I'm not sure. I'm not sure how much of Christ he has in his life and I'm a little fanatical and he seems a little docile (not sure if that's the correct word).
Anyway, we were having a discussion today and he said to me that he didn't believe that people changed. He said that their behaviors may change, but who they are stays that same. I mulled that around in my head trying to understand what he was saying and I had to disagree. Not only disagree, but I really DISAGREED. And I wanted to explain this to him, but he just politely said "that's fine, it's okay to disagree." And that was that.
But, here is why I disagree....
I said to him, if a girl had low self-esteem and was promiscuous, but as she grew older realized that she didn't want to be that way anymore and she changed her thinking about herself and she was no longer promiscuous, does that mean she never change? He said emphatically, "no, she hadn't."
DAG!!!
But that girl was me and I KNOW that I AM a CHANGED person. I'm not the same girl that was looking for love in the arms of all the wrong men. As a matter of fact, I've only been with 2 guys in 5 years and for me, that's huge.
I didn't explain this to him because I didn't feel comfortable with him like that, but DANG!!
I know that in AA they always tell you that you are an alcoholic no matter how long you been sober, but I also know what the word of God says and there is NOTHING that is going to tell me that I'm different from what God says and God says that if Christ has made me free, then I am FREE.
If I"m in prison and they open the door to tell me I'm free to go, why would I stay?
If Christ has freed me and I am a new creature, then I'm not the same as what I used to be so I WON'T call myself that anymore!!
So YES people do change!!!
Anyway, we were having a discussion today and he said to me that he didn't believe that people changed. He said that their behaviors may change, but who they are stays that same. I mulled that around in my head trying to understand what he was saying and I had to disagree. Not only disagree, but I really DISAGREED. And I wanted to explain this to him, but he just politely said "that's fine, it's okay to disagree." And that was that.
But, here is why I disagree....
I said to him, if a girl had low self-esteem and was promiscuous, but as she grew older realized that she didn't want to be that way anymore and she changed her thinking about herself and she was no longer promiscuous, does that mean she never change? He said emphatically, "no, she hadn't."
DAG!!!
But that girl was me and I KNOW that I AM a CHANGED person. I'm not the same girl that was looking for love in the arms of all the wrong men. As a matter of fact, I've only been with 2 guys in 5 years and for me, that's huge.
I didn't explain this to him because I didn't feel comfortable with him like that, but DANG!!
I know that in AA they always tell you that you are an alcoholic no matter how long you been sober, but I also know what the word of God says and there is NOTHING that is going to tell me that I'm different from what God says and God says that if Christ has made me free, then I am FREE.
If I"m in prison and they open the door to tell me I'm free to go, why would I stay?
If Christ has freed me and I am a new creature, then I'm not the same as what I used to be so I WON'T call myself that anymore!!
So YES people do change!!!
Monday, November 30, 2015
Nasty & Filthy
I had a dream this morning and it was so disturbing that I wanted to wake up.
Somehow I was in prison and upon my release I went home to a duplex and once I got inside it was so nasty and filthy. I can't really describe it, but as I went from one room to the next, I was more and more surprised as to how it could get worse and worse. Then I went to one room and there was a small child in that room. I recognized the child as my neighbor's child (no one I knew) and then I went to another room and the floor was so gross, sticky and just plain gross and there was another of my neighbor's children in that room. For some reason I felt like my neighbor had a lot of children, but I couldn't figure out why they were in my house and why my house was so nasty. The place was so nasty that I tried to wake myself up.
Eventually, I woke up and inquired unto God as to the meaning of the dream. I mean, I can be junky sometimes, but not like that. I mean, every once in a while I leave dishes in the sink, but nothing like that.
God was showing me my insides...
I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been faithful in keeping my life clean. My goal is sanctification and holiness, but my body is opposed to that goal. My body likes sex and sex as an unmarried person is unclean and unholy. I know the times we are living in...you know, it's your thing, do what you want to do with it. We are in the "DO YOU" society. But, there is still a standard to holiness and Right is STILL right and sin is STILL sin, regardless of what laws they pass.
So, I've got to get back together....
Somehow I was in prison and upon my release I went home to a duplex and once I got inside it was so nasty and filthy. I can't really describe it, but as I went from one room to the next, I was more and more surprised as to how it could get worse and worse. Then I went to one room and there was a small child in that room. I recognized the child as my neighbor's child (no one I knew) and then I went to another room and the floor was so gross, sticky and just plain gross and there was another of my neighbor's children in that room. For some reason I felt like my neighbor had a lot of children, but I couldn't figure out why they were in my house and why my house was so nasty. The place was so nasty that I tried to wake myself up.
Eventually, I woke up and inquired unto God as to the meaning of the dream. I mean, I can be junky sometimes, but not like that. I mean, every once in a while I leave dishes in the sink, but nothing like that.
God was showing me my insides...
I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been faithful in keeping my life clean. My goal is sanctification and holiness, but my body is opposed to that goal. My body likes sex and sex as an unmarried person is unclean and unholy. I know the times we are living in...you know, it's your thing, do what you want to do with it. We are in the "DO YOU" society. But, there is still a standard to holiness and Right is STILL right and sin is STILL sin, regardless of what laws they pass.
So, I've got to get back together....
Monday, November 9, 2015
Business Planning
I'm working on a business plan for the nonprofit. It's for a for profit entity that will raise money, but also train people to become self-sufficient.
The plan is to open a ice cream/candy shack and have people learn to run it and expand. This will grow into a career development program for youth and individuals.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Faux Mister
I signed up for a dating website and I'm not happy with it, but I've already paid until December, so I'm going to use it. Within about a week of signing up, I met a guy from NC. I'll call him Faux Mister and I'll explain why....
When we first talked, it was really cool. There seemed to be a connection. He was talkative and we laughed a lot and then we started hanging out on google and that was fun. He'd sprinkle little flirts in our conversation...One our first google hangout, he said, as we were talking about something, "Is this our first date?" and quickly went on to the next subject. It was cute, but I never fed into it because....HE LIVES IN NC. I was cool with us being friends, but moving is not in my dating profile.
Some things I found out about him that I liked...he had a MBA from SIUC. He grew up in IL. He had military background and had a good sense of humor. As the weeks went on, he began divulging stuff about his past--his mom beat him and his siblings. He has a hard time trusting women.
None of this really bothered me because EVERYONE has a past and my mom was not the best disciplinarian. But then one day he was talking about his past and curse words started coming out. I didn't condemn him, but it was kinda unexpected because for weeks I had not heard him talk like this. Then somehow I asked him where he lived and he divulged that he lived in a a halfway house. He didn't call it that. I called it that. He called it a home for ex-substance abusers. He even gave me the website to look it up. He said that he didn't drink, but he never really told me EXACTLY how he got there. Something about leaving his baby mama and needing a place to stay....not sure what that has to do with a home for ex-substance abusers. But, RED FLAG....
Then one day he was talking and talking about his past abuse and how all of this was linked to slavery and being beaten by the slave owners and he was going on and on and cursing up a store.
WAIT.....
I wasn't really listening, but this was sounding too much like previous relationships. I mean when Coach and I dated, that's what he focused on when we first met--how his mom beat him and he ended up being adopted.
As time goes on and we talk, he's reminding me more and more of Mister and Coach. Of course he's not quite like them, but I recognize him as the TYPE of man that I've fallen for in the past.
AND frankly, I'm SICK of it.
I WANT a man who is WHOLE. I know I have my issues, but OLD stuff is OLD and I'm not letting that burden me anymore and I'm too old to be trying to SAVE a guy from his jacked up life.
No, I'm not ALL THAT and I still have issues, but I see the pattern and I'm NOT going down that rabbit hole again.
So, I will be friends, but that's ALL. I will minister to him the word of God, but as far as I see he has nothing to offer me!!
When we first talked, it was really cool. There seemed to be a connection. He was talkative and we laughed a lot and then we started hanging out on google and that was fun. He'd sprinkle little flirts in our conversation...One our first google hangout, he said, as we were talking about something, "Is this our first date?" and quickly went on to the next subject. It was cute, but I never fed into it because....HE LIVES IN NC. I was cool with us being friends, but moving is not in my dating profile.
Some things I found out about him that I liked...he had a MBA from SIUC. He grew up in IL. He had military background and had a good sense of humor. As the weeks went on, he began divulging stuff about his past--his mom beat him and his siblings. He has a hard time trusting women.
None of this really bothered me because EVERYONE has a past and my mom was not the best disciplinarian. But then one day he was talking about his past and curse words started coming out. I didn't condemn him, but it was kinda unexpected because for weeks I had not heard him talk like this. Then somehow I asked him where he lived and he divulged that he lived in a a halfway house. He didn't call it that. I called it that. He called it a home for ex-substance abusers. He even gave me the website to look it up. He said that he didn't drink, but he never really told me EXACTLY how he got there. Something about leaving his baby mama and needing a place to stay....not sure what that has to do with a home for ex-substance abusers. But, RED FLAG....
Then one day he was talking and talking about his past abuse and how all of this was linked to slavery and being beaten by the slave owners and he was going on and on and cursing up a store.
WAIT.....
I wasn't really listening, but this was sounding too much like previous relationships. I mean when Coach and I dated, that's what he focused on when we first met--how his mom beat him and he ended up being adopted.
As time goes on and we talk, he's reminding me more and more of Mister and Coach. Of course he's not quite like them, but I recognize him as the TYPE of man that I've fallen for in the past.
AND frankly, I'm SICK of it.
I WANT a man who is WHOLE. I know I have my issues, but OLD stuff is OLD and I'm not letting that burden me anymore and I'm too old to be trying to SAVE a guy from his jacked up life.
No, I'm not ALL THAT and I still have issues, but I see the pattern and I'm NOT going down that rabbit hole again.
So, I will be friends, but that's ALL. I will minister to him the word of God, but as far as I see he has nothing to offer me!!
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