Consistency

It's March....the first quarter in the new decade is almost over. What progress have I made?

Well, I've made a commitment to get the toxins out of my life and it hasn't been easy. A few weeks ago I left the door open and two mice ran in. I didn't know it until late one night I heard plastic rattling. The next few days I had glue traps (I know, not the most humane) and both of the mice had escaped from. I didn't know they escaped, so I had Greenwood come over to get the mouse. Actually, I didn't even know there were two....

That night at about 1am I heard the mouse squirming off the glue trap so I rushed to get a shoe box. I prayed because its beedy eyes were looking at me. I needed the Holy Spirit to help me. The mouse flipped the trap over and was upside down and I dropped the box on top of it then I loaded up with four more boxes.

 

I turned on music because I didn't want to hear the mouse thumping the box trying to get out. So I didn't sleep very much.

When I got out the bed at 7:30am the next morning I looked for the other trap and it was gone. I panicked and woke my sister up. She angrily came to find the trap and saw that the mouse had escaped from that trap. So I asked her if she could get the trap from underneath the box. She looked and said there wasn't a mouse, the trap was upside down. I told her there was. The mouse had flipped over. We left it like that and went to church. I messaged an old friend, Greenwood, and asked him if he could come get the mouse. He came up, raised the boxes and said, "There is no mouse." 

WHAT???!!!!

I had already had quite a bit of anxiety about this so having the mouse escape the tower of boxes was really stressful. I showed me the box where the mouse had chewed a small hole to get out. Then he showed me the trap that had so much fur on it. Poor mouse. Now my anxiety level was really high. I had to try to trap a super mouse. It took another week and a half before it was caught, but not before it pooped all in the stove.

This pic doesn't even show the half of it. I lifted up the stove top and poop was everywhere. Which led me to believe that there was more than one. So I trapped the stove then waited. After a few days nothing...So I moved the trap next to the refrigerator and bingo. Stuart Little was caught. I put another trap by the refrigerator just in case and awww hot dog, Stuarts brother was caught the next day. I was so relieved, but still quite anxious because it seems so nerve wrecking to have a rodent in your house. I'm still remodeling so I have stuff EVERYWHERE and who knows where those mice have pooped and peed. OMG

Anyway, those mice were a violation and I let them in. So it was another example of me allowing toxins in my life and me having to get them out. 

So afterwards I needed some help putting in a new doorway because the I had someone do some finish work in my hallway and I put up a barn style door for he bathroom. So I asked Greenwood. This was the wrong move because he began flirting with me... Oh boy...here we go.

A couple of years ago in 2017-18 I met Greenwood on POF and even though I wasn't interested in him he would come to help me out around my house and he helped me to put the walls up in my living room. Then he started to shoot his shot which led to him sending my porn him him pleasuring himself on snapchat. Things fizzled after that because I wasn't trying to be with him like that. So now here it is 2+ years later and he's at it again. He hasn't sent me a video, but he's send my dick pics. OMG. 

Well, about a week ago I got an email from my boss, one of the inspections that I had conducted was set to go for a hearing. I got really nervous and anxious again because I remembered that during this inspection might not have gone all the way inside the building to witness the violation. I stood at the door that was wide opened at a sales rack and watched everything go down. So I began to fret and pray because I don't want to lose my job because I didn't 100% see everything that went down. I saw the jist of everything and in my opinion that was good enough, but now I know that maybe it wasn't . So in preparing for my deposition I began to pray and fast and read the scripture in Deuteronomy 9 where God tells the people that he's gonna favor them, not because they are so good, but because the other nation of people are so evil. And I"m in the same situation. It wasn't that I did everything perfectly, but they broke the law regardless. So I had my deposition this morning after no sleep.

Now that the depo is done we just wait for a response from the defendant..... 

Health Crisis

January 15, 2019
I traveled to Chicago because my sister was in labor. When I got there her BD was there. He stayed for a few hours then left. His mom came and stayed for a few hours then left. During this time we fast and pray for 21 days at my church so I wasn't eating until after 7pm. As I got up to walk to the cafeteria I felt a pain in my left calf. I walked and walked and it got worse and I could barely put my foot down on the floor without excruciating pain. I got back to the room, said a prayer and tried to fall asleep. The pain didn't go away so I took a Tylenol. My niece was born the next morning and the Tylenol worked. I didn't feel the pain anymore. When I got back home I went straight to my doctor's office. They scheduled an appointment for me an hour later and she sent me to the hospital to get an ultrasound done on my leg. Yep, I had a DVT.

I was relieved to find out what was wrong, but also concerned. I had a PE in 2004 after my daughter was born. This DVT was nothing to be passe about. My doctor ordered a blood thinner and when I went to the pharmacy to pick it up my insurance had been cancelled so I had to be on the phone for hours getting that taken care of. It was crazy. After clearing up the insurance issue, the pharmacist wanted to charge me about $600 for the medicine. She said because I have a deductible that hadn't been met I the insurance company was only paying for a portion of the medicine so I had to sign up for a prescription program. It was a whole mess.

On January 25 I had a doctors appt with a hematologist. He was reviewing my chart and he kept saying that my condition was acute. I agreed. But he kept saying it and then he said this was long term and that I'd need to be on medication forever. I disagreed and said, not it's an acute problem and it will go away. Then he corrected himself and said no it's not acute, it's chronic. He ordered blood test and sent me on my way.

When the test results came back it said that I have lupus anticoagulant.

This sounds really scary, but basically it means that there is a blood clotting disorder. Of course I've always resisted this diagnosis and sometimes I even forget to take my medication.

In March I started having heart palpitations. I had gone to work out on Monday and by Wednesday the heart palpitations had not stopped. I felt fine, just heart palpitations. So I called the hematologist and he said to go to the ER.

WHAT? I was fine, so I ran a few errands and went to the ER. When I got there, it was packed with people. I guess we had a lot of people with the flu. So I sat in the ER and as I sat I was attacked. It was a demonic attack. My started getting really hot and my heart started racing and then I started to black out. As I was sitting I took deep breathes and the black out stopped. I texted a friend and she came to sit with me in the ER. When they called me back to do my EKG I was shivering so hard that they had a hard time time getting a good read. Once they got me back to see a doctor they took some blood, did a chest x-ray and sent me home I was fine according to them.

This happened again in April and in May. Finally after praying the Holy Spirit led me to start back taking my vitamins and Vitamin D. The symptoms stopped.

OMG...you mean to tell me after heart monitoring (twice) a neurology brain scan, an 8-hour blood glucose test and three trips to the ER, it was only my vitamin D.

Apparently so. I was so perturbed. I mean I spend almost $10,000 on all these test. It was horrible.

By August I had gained 30lbs and I was exhausted. I was at my whits end also. So in October I contacted a nutritionist who was a nurse who was also studying to become a functional medicine doctor. She told me to get some blood work done and that she's help me. I got blood work done in December and found out that my iron was so low. It was 16. A good Ferritin level is 100. My doctor told me to eat more red meet. The nutritionist told me to order some iron. I found a new doctor.

Dr Alan Christianson wrote the book, "The Idiots Guide to Thyroid Disorders." I read the book in 2012 and bought it last year. I googled his practice and was making plans to travel to see him when I found out that his practice does telemedicine. When I met with one if his doctors she told me that I needed iron. STAT. So she ordered two rounds of iron infusions.

I've had my two rounds and now I'm still fatigued because my cortisol levels are really low in the morning. But I can't take supplements because they affect my blood thinner. So I'm on a journey of healing and it's gonna be one condition after the other. I need to get my fibroids together, my thyroid together, and my adrenals. together.

I Knew It

My aunt has been in the hospital. She's not doing so well. She has continuous heart failure. The doctors say that she's in the last stages of heart failure and the treatment that they are giving her has a 40% chance of extending her life for a year. It's somber news and I don't want my aunt to die, but it's what we are facing now. I've been trying to imagine her not being here. It's hard to think about. I mention  her because every time I talk to her, she ask me about who "I'm With?" Meaning who am I dating, who am I sleeping with, etc. Of course the answer right now is NO ONE.

I got food poisoning on January 7 and it was so bad I was throwing up and had diarrhea all night long. It was HORRIBLE. My niece had food poisoning a week prior to that? 

What is wrong in my household?

Well, the sweet potatoes stayed a little too long in the refrigerator and I ate them and fed some to my niece. I felt so bad. Then a week later I had new sweet potatoes and I guess they stayed a little too long in the refrigerator and it got me.

Anyway throwing every hour all night long will you have praying to God for help and that's what I did and while praying I realized that I needed to throw up to get the poison out of my body. And I realized that Charles and Bryan were both poison. Charles caused me so much stress and I met Bryan under false pretenses so why continue to see him. So I sent both of them a final text saying that I didn't want to see them anymore and then I blocked them both. And I've been more productive. I just deleted FB dating also. So I am really single.

I got a text on the way to the hospital to see my aunt on Saturday, "How's your love life?" It took me a minute to figure out who it was was and I realized that it was David or Golf Guy. I hadn't talked to him since April 2019. I blocked him because he sent me this extremely sexual text and I was just disgusted. I felt disrespected. I've told David more than once that we were friends and that I wasn't interested in sleeping with him, so he was on the blocked list. Then I randomly unblocked him and he texted me. So yesterday we began to catch up and talk about why we lost touch. He let me know that he had tried to call me and text me, but I was blocked. I explained to him why I blocked him, which was because I was so stressed that I was going to therapy for past sexual abuse and him sending me that text was a major trigger and I couldn't handle that trigger. So I blocked him. He apologized. And now here we are. I really enjoy David's company but I'm not sure what he'll do with this new found news of sexual abuse in my past. I told him that I'm celibate because I can't just sleep with guy after guy. I can't do the casual sex, casual dating thing. My psyche can't handle it. My spirit and soul can't handle it. So if he only wants to talk to me because he thinks he has a chance at having sex with me, this won't last long. I've gotten rid of the poison and I don't need to add more!!

A New Decade

Yes, I'm a "year zero" person. The new decade started at the stroke of midnight January 1, 2020 and it's amazing. I mean who knew what 2020 would look like. I can remember Y2K was a big deal. Now here we are 20 years later. OMG.

This decade has been a rollar coaster.

I was homeless in 2010.

2011--Got a job as an apartment manager. So I didn't have to pay rent. Was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. Worked many part-time, temporary jobs. Was on public assistance for food stamps.

2012--God a full-time job working for the health department. I turned 35. Participated in my first 5k. We didn't run, but it was so FUN!! Experienced debilitating cramps for 3 months. Prayed and it went away. However, I found out later that I had fibroids. Possibly due to an IUD removal. Oh, yeah and my car was stolen this year. Mister and I began talking again.

2013--I saw Mister for the first time since 2007. I was being sued for not paying my car note, but the case was dropped because I was living in my car in 2010. I started a new job working for the feds and state. My income increase drastically. I met my father's side of the family. Mister went to jail because his girl lied and made it seem like he was physically assaulting her. My brother graduated from high school. I got a visit from the FBI about credit report fraud.

2014--I started back in school at UIS. I broke my toe. I became homeless again. My own doing. But it only lasted 3 months while I looked to buy a house. I wasn't able to because of my credit, but I did move into a new apartment (the same apartment building I lived in when I became homeless). I taught VBS. It was significant.

2015--I paid old debts off (old dr bills). Mister and I slept together. I cut it off with Mister and met Craig, the school administrator. Corey was supposed to call me, but never did. Ugh. I was in a spiritual slump throughout this year. My brother was shot at on the highway in St. Louis. So scary. He decided to move to Ohio with my sister. Patrice and I became friends. I met Jeremy and we went on a limo ride, but he was not the one for me. I spent Christmas with Mister and got so sick that I couldn't breathe. My sister got engaged on Christmas.

2016--I told Mister the truth about our daughter. I should have never told him the truth. I should have just left it alone. The hurt was so palpable. I gained 215lbs in 2015 and I went to see Dr Rhode and lost 35lbs. I met Eric. Meeting him was not good. I was thrown back into my childhood after one night with him. It was horrible. Mister forgave me. I was told that I had fibroids. Scary. I went to my uncle's log cabin house for the first time. Blown away...it is beautiful. I met Rolando this year. It didn't work out. Mister invited me to KC with him. I turned him down. He met a girl who would become his wife. I met my dad's side of the family. All of my mother's children came together to my uncle's house for the first time since 2002. I took my neice to Chicago to go kayaking. I met Gov Guy (Eric Brown). It was a big mistaking hooking up with him. I thought I was gonna lose my mind. I had to move out of my apartment because the landlords were selling the building. I began seriously househunting. I made an offer on the home I"m living in now. I had a dream about fish. LOL.

2017--January 13, 2017, I became a homeowner.  We visited TN to see where my 6th greatgrand parents were buried. My cousin Phil was with us. I celebrated my 40th bday in New Orleans by myself. I met Casey. He was cool. My cousin died in July. I met Mr Ohio--Larry Hicks. I thought I was in love. I met Golf Guy-David aka Captain Morgan and we became fast friends. My sister got married in Niagara Falls in August. My brother got married in October. I broke up with Larry and got back together with him. He had a heart attack. Not in that order.

2018--I reconnected with my dad after almost 20 years. I met Charles, again. He was in Decatur, then he left. He didn't get back until September. Larry and I tried to reconnect. I met Bryan. We stopped talking right after Jen's mom died. I thought Charles was serious about marrying me. I hooked up with him and then broke up with him two weeks later. I thought we were gonna spend Christmas together. I was heartbroken.

2019--Blood clot in my leg in January. My neice was born. Heart palpitations and pre-syncope in March, April, and May. All types of medical test were done. I started taking Vitamin D and the symtoms disappeared. Charles gave me chlamydia and I realized how much of a liar he was. I took his phone and took a pic of all the women he was talking to, even the transgender woman. Bryan texted me in November and we began chatting again. I gained 30lbs. My sister came to live with me in October along with her daughter. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas. Bryan asked me to go to Las Vegas with him. I was nervous. I started therapy in March to deal with childhood sexual abuse. It's been a rollar coaster ride. My sister got engaged, then went to jail for domestic violence. Her fiance bailed her out because he lied to the police.

2020--I got food poisoning on January 7 and realized that I had a lot of poison in my life. I told Bryan and Charles that I didn't want to talk to them anymore. Now I'm alone and I'm dealing with me. My uncle was supposed to come stay with me, but he changed his mind.....

What's With That Dream

I had a dream that I was doing an undercover inspections at a shady store, one that I normally wouldn't shop at. It was an Arab owned store. I was buying loosies. I bought a handful and they guy put them in a sandwich bag. I asked how much and he said, "You know how much." I don't think I did, but he said it in a funny ways so I thought that I was busted. I told him I didn't want them and walked out. He walked out behind me with a black guy. As he was walking behind me he was telling me to stop. And for some reason he was sending the black guy to beat me up. I ended up on the ground and right before the black guy was getting ready to stomp/kick me I woke up.

WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT??????

1st Quarter

This has been a rough year. We've just finished the first quarter and it's not over yet!!

January started with a new addition to the family--my sister had her daughter--Ella Marie and it was such a beautiful thing. I was so happy and honored to be there. She did such a good job!!

But, while I was at the hospital with her my left leg started hurting--my calf. It hurt so bad I could hardly walk. I didn't want to bother my sister so I just took a Tylenol and helped her push (coached her) that baby out.  About an hour after Ella was born I left the hospital and went to my doctors office.

My doctor sent me to the hospital to get an ultra sound. Acute deep vein thrombosis. Yep, blood clot in my calf. I went back to her office and she prescribed Xarelto. I went to the pharmacy to pick it up--$800 was the charge.

WTF!!!

Of course I couldn't pay that so the pharmacist signed me up for a prescription card, but before doing that I had to spend about 3 hours on the phone with my insurance company because I hadn't paid my bill and my insurance wasn't going to cover it because it was the beginning of the year. They finally figured out my billing and I had my blood thinner for $10.

My doctor sent me to a specialist--hematologist. He wanted to convince me that my condition was chronic. I refused to accept it so he did tons a test and one was positive-Lupus Anticoagulant. There is a protein in my blood that is causing it to clot abnormally. I seem to think that all of this is because of my dire situation over the holiday season. I was depressed and in the bed constantly and I ate constantly. I was a MESS. I gained 15lbs and I felt like crap. But here I was, now in a medical mess.

After that diagnosis I needed a "come to Jesus meeting." I contacted a counselor and started trying to get myself together.

At the beginning of March I decided that I needed to start back working out. So I did and a few days later my heart was just palpitating constantly. I wasn't having a panic attack. I wasn't stressed any different from before, but it wouldn't stop palpitating. I called the hematologist and he told me, emphatically, "Go to the ER!"

WHAT? WHY? I feel fine.

I went and when I walked through the doors it was filled with sick people. This didn't look good. While sitting in the ER I started having all types of symptoms--I started belching and farting, hot flashes so bad that I wanted to come out of my clothes, then chills so bad that I couldn't stop shaking. I almost passed out twice. It was bad and I WAS SCARED. I called a friend and she sat with me. The did an EKG, despite my shaking chills, the was normal. Everything was normal. There was no explanation for my symptoms. They sent me home.

I made an appointment with my dr and she sent me to a cardiologist. He scheduled a stress echo and a holter monitor which both came back with nothing wrong with my heart.

That was the first quarter of the year.

The House Is Falling

I had this dream back in February about my granny house and it rained really hard and my aunt T's  bedroom starts falling in under the rain. Water started coming in from the lights and we needed to shut power off. It was a crazy dream. I don't remember the rest of it.

I pray for everyone in that house. I pray that they be covered in Jesus name, Amen.

Other dreams...

Last week I had a dream about me getting married. I was in a white dress and there were white flowers hanging from the ceiling.

I had a dream that I was substitute teaching and I was teaching the children a jump rope game at recess.

I had a dream that I had a baby and it was raining so hard outside, but I protected that baby enough that it didn't get wet one bit in the rain. IDK if it was my baby or not.

Then I had a dream that I was on a field trip with RS and I had a group of people with me. I hadn't been to any of the meetings for the field trip, but here I was with this group at this underground water park. We ventured off into an area that was restricted, but we didn't know it was restricted. I didn't find out it was restricted until we found our way back and was told that we couldn't go that way. I woke up telling myself, "that's what you get for not attending the meeting. " LOL

I used to think my dreams meant something....God, are you talking to me?