We Can't Be Friends Unless We are Lovers

I met Carle Guy a month after I broke up with CB. I started a new POF page and while perusing the prospectives I found that CB still had his page active. WOW, he never really loved me!! He tried to explain to me that he's never taken his page down.  WOW and WOW. You mean to tell me that you are saying that you want to marry me in one breath, but still have an active dating app on your phone. REALLY?! And I'm supposed to trust you. WOW

So I met Carle Guy and we began chatting. I told him that I was celibate and he said he understood. Then CB left for SC so Carle Guy and I started chatting more and more. My heart was broken from CB leaving and I knew I needed to move on so Carle Guy was it for now.  However, he really didn't understand. I mean he said he understood me being celibate, but he would pressure me whenever we hung out.  Dang...I guess Netflix and Chill is not really Netflix and Chill. So I was tryna explain to him that right now is not the time for me to be physical with ANYONE...PERIOD!! He kept saying he didn't understand. What part of celibate is hard to understand? He said we can do other things besides have sex.

Uhhhhh, please explain. Because kissing, for me, leads to touching and touching, for me, leads to more touching and more touching, for me, leads to clothes being taken off and clothes being taking off, for me, leads to body parts uniting. And if my body parts are going to unite with anyone else's it better be worth it and it hasn't been for a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time. So why waste my time. Yes, I"m celibate because I love God and I don't wanna sin, but I'm also celibate because I don't want to waste my time, energy, or emotional well being. Why is that so hard to understand!!

Golf guy gets it...I wish others did too.

So we've (unspokenly) decided that we can't be friends because we can't be lovers. WOW.

Trying Not To Smile

I started dated CB in September when he came home, but I quickly realized that it was a mistake. Since then I have been messing with him. For example, he called me to ask what I was doing. I told him that I as free for the day. He asked if I wanted to help him paint and I agree and we made arrangements to meet at Lowes. When I got to Lowe's he wasn't there, but he said that his dad and nephew were. I didn't want to just go up to them so I just browsed around the store until CB called to ask me where I was. I found them in the store and as I was walking up he says, "What are you doing?" as in "What are you doing here?" I just smiled. Basically, he didn't tell his dad that I was going to be there and instead of just saying that he pretended that I wasn't supposed to be there. I just smiled because this was classic CB. For some reason he has a problem with communication and actually I think he hasn't told his parents that we were dating so it presents an awkward situation when I show up.

Why does he do that?

I mean, I used to do that sort of thing when I was younger because I didn't know how to communicate with my family and I felt insecure about different situations. So I would present like I did'nt know what was going on when the whole time I just didn't want to call it what it was.

While shopping, it was painful to watch CB. He was running around the store like he was confused. At one point he said to me, while going to look for this list of things he's had in his head that we needed, "When are we going bowling, we are supposed to be going bowling?"

WHAT?

We are at Lowes and I'm trying to help you remember what all we need to paint and you are talking about bowling?! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THAT HEAD OF YOURS?!

I simply told him that he was all over the place and needed to get it together. It was so painful to watch. He agreed. Then we went to the house to paint.

Why do I love this guy?

This is one of the reasons I broke up with him. He's not confident in what he's doing around me. Then he wonders why I don't trust him?! He knows I don't trust him but he pretends (or tells himself) that it's my fault.

Another reason I don't trust him is because I went through his phone and saw the pics from the other women he's talking to. My heart sank. I mean I did break up with him, but really? You are still talking to me and telling me that you want to marry me in one breath and telling other women that you want to see them too.

WHAT??

This man is all types of crae!!

(Post from December 2018)

HAPPY NEW YEAR

It's January 1, 2019 and I am happy and blessed to see a new year.....

So why am I in a funk?

OMG....

I'm grateful to see a new year, but there is this heaviness that is looming around me....let's evaluate 2018.

I started 2018 with Mr Ohio. I had a hard time keeping my head focused. So I struggled to deal with him. Things began to stabilize at the end of May....stabilize relationship wise, but work was CRAZY. We have to scramble to complete 12 mos of work in 5 months. It was bananas and I screwed some stuff up, but I don't work well under pressure.

Anyway, I worked three jobs to help pay for my home remodel. And it EXHAUSTED ME!!

But, I met CB in July and it's been a rollar coaster ride with him.

As a matter of fact he just left here and I'm so unsettled. OMG....

To be continued....

HIV & Zombies

CB came to spend the night on Saturday. I have not had sex. I haven't been in the mood. One reason is because I don't want to sin and another reason is because I went through his phone and I saw that he's been texting and dating other women so I'm not interested anymore.

While I was tossing and turning in my bed I had a dream that he tested positive for HIV.

WHAT????

I hope this isn't real!!

I can't remember much of the dream, but I woke up praying for him.

Then on Sunday night I had a dream about zombies.

WOW!!!

What is going on?????

Anyway, today is Christmas and even though CB is here right now I still feel alone. I mean I had plans to spend the entire day with him. WHY did I have those plans? We HAVE NEVER SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY TOGETHER. But I bought cute Christmas PJs for us to wear and I bought stockings that I hung over the fire place. My fantasy was that we'd have a wonderful Christmas day.

Well, my bubble has burst. He didn't get here until around 2pm then he left around 4. And he just got back. WOW, I can't believe that I spend $40 on Christmas PJs. They will be returned tomorrow.

I'm in a funk about it, but at least he helped me with my office.

All the Men I'm Dating Pt 3

Gov Guy:  I met Gov Guy in 2016. I was really into him, but I didn't think we were a perfect match. I mean, I'm looking for someone who wants the same lifestyle as I do and going to church and praising Jesus wasn't his jam. But he was a good guy and he wanted to have children. I moved way too fast with him and emotionally I was JACKED UP for a long time!! So I broke up with him. Since I was having so much trouble with Mr Ohio I reached out to Gov Guy, which was a bad mistake. But in reaching out he told me that he had a stroke shortly after we stopped talking OMG!!!

He was in the hospital for 3 months. He had to relearn how to walk and be self sufficient. He was now living in Jacksonville, FL with his brother and he wasn't interested in having anymore children. But he was interested in me. OMG!! So we talk on the phone almost every day, but I'm just not into him. And it was a huge mistake reaching out to him. I did make plans to visit him while in FL this winter. I'll see how that goes.

So since I first started writing about all the men I was dating I am now down to only dating one: CB.

This is a rocky situation....

While the hurricane was coming to the west coast CB decided to come back to Illinois. He sent me a a text asking when we could see each other and he said he was in Illinois. WOW.

We start to hang out and I notice that he's only coming to my house. I then ask him why he never invites me to come over. This is when he tells me that he's living in the church. WHAT?

Yea, his dad has a church and he has a blow up bed and desk in one of the rooms in the church. WHY?

I HAVE NO IDEA!!

But, I don't ask him. Instead I ask him, "how long are you gonna be living in the church?" I mean you say you have all these houses? Why are you not living in one of them? He doesn't answer me. He replies, "I could be in my house today on ....." I ask again, "So how long are you gonna be staying at the church?" His reply, "I already have power on at ...."

Why was he not answering my question?  I asked, "HOW LONG...."

I asked him if he was avoiding the questions, he said he's not. He just felt comfortable there.

WHAT??

Who wants to LIVE in a church? How do you raise a family living in a church? Not a parsonage? The actual church, like you are the priest or something. He has children. Does his children visit him at the church?

I'm not gonna say it's strange, just NOT IDEAL. I'm not visiting you at the church. He showed me his living quarters one day while we were video chatting. Like that makes it normal??

That's one problem with the relationship.

The other is the fact that I don't believe he's being real with me. I mean you say you want to be married, but I ask to see your finances. I believe that's a reasonable request. You want to know if I"m a freak in the bed and I want to know how financially secure you are.

He said he could let me see them.

Then the biggest mistake happened....

Yep, we had sex.

OMG!!! WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYY???????

We had a habit of him coming to my house and we'd sit on the sofa and somethings we'd be close and this one night he left late and I invited him back. We got into bed in our clothes, but of course I could not sleep and my hands did some walking and in ended down his pants. Then his pants came off and my clothes came off and his face was between my legs.

It wasn't the best. It wasn't the worst. There is great potential there, but it was not a good move. Then the next night he stayed the night and we did it again. This time it was worse because his member wouldn't work. Which is understandable because we are both Christian and we love Jesus, but we are sinning. So our spirits don't want to sin, it's our body. The next day he wanted to come over, but not have sex. I agreed that that would be fine and we slept next to each other---naked. Which is what have in common. We both like to sleep naked.

We actually have a lot in common, but the sin was taking a toll because emotionally I was losing it. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore--twice.  Hmmm, this is becoming a pattern.

We talked briefly about sex and how it's not a good thing, but I also mentioned to him that we don't spend time together, we don't talk, I have no idea what his goals and plans are. As a matter of fact anytime I try to talk to him he cuts me off and dominates the conversation. I believe that we could be a really great couple, but one BIG issue is that he's a Bishop (yep I'm screwing the Bishop) and he goes to a different church. And I'm NOT CHANGING MY MEMBERSHIP, EVER unless Jesus tells me to which I don't believe is likely. I believe that I am where I am because Jesus wants me there and I"m not jeopardizing my life by leaving.

So here we are a month after he's been in town and I love him and I want it to work, but I don't know how it will.

Oh yea and I forgot the fact that the third time we had sex I got a cold sore that morning. I asked him if he gets cold sores, he said he hadn't in a long time. But I got one and we were kissing. UGH!! That cold sore plagued me for 2 weeks. OMG. Then a week ago I got a yeast infection and now I've got to go see my gyn because my situation down there is not right. Something fishy going on down there. OMG, I HATE THIS!!!

I hate that we've sinned and I hate that he may not be the one for me. I need Jesus to help me, please!!

All the Men I'm Dating Pt 2

I've talked about CB (who is currently in the hurricane in North Carolina), now on to the next guy that I'm talking too....

Lets call him B Real. I met B Real on POF around the same time I started talking to CB. His profile said he was from Springfield. We chatted back and forth and he told me that he owned his own HVAC company. There wasn't much chemistry and the text back and forth were mundane, but I kept at it. A few weeks after started talking he said he would like to meet me. The problem was my work schedule was crazy, so he finally asked me to come to his party in Springfield. He was a member of a motorcycle club and they were throwing this huge party. I told him I would attend. He wanted to meet me before the party, but our schedules weren't lining up so the party would be our first meeting.

I wasn't too concerned about that. I was cute for the party!!

I showed up and we met and I was pleased. He was a good looking guy. But after we met he went to the restroom and didn't come back.

Hmmmmm,

I'm not sure why he didn't come back, but it was dark outside (the party was outside at night) and I began to respond to a text I got from Mr. Ohio. I looked around the crowd for him and saw him talking to a group of women. I was trying to make myself seen so that he could join me since I was all alone. It was awkward being at a party all by myself not knowing anyone. As I as responding to a text from Mr Ohio, another man noticed the glow of my phone in the dark and came to talk to me. He introduced himself as, "Black." He said that his motorcycle club was responsible for the party. We chatted and soon I saw B Real walking over to us. I was waiting on him to interrupt or at least let it be known that I was here at the party wth him. Nope, he stood off to the side while Black was chatting me up. I mentioned to Black that I was here with him (pointing at B Real) and Black emphatically said, "Well, it doesn't look like he here with you."

He had a good point. Here I was sitting here for 20 minutes and no one was talking to me so it looked like I was at the party alone.

It got to the point in the conversation with Black that he was going to ask me for my number, so I took out my phone and text B Real, "Your boy tryna get my digits, what's up with that?"

Basically, I was trying to have him rescue me, but instead rescuing me he came over and said, "If you giving out your number, you can have a good night!"

WHAT???  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I showed him that text I sent him and he said his phone was dead.

I expected him to rescue me then, but he still didn't step into the conversation. So Black asked to show me around. I got up and walked around with him. B Real didn't like this, "Really," he said as we walked past him. But, what was I supposed to do at that point? I mean I came to a party to meet you and you ignore me until someone else steps to me.

So I walked around with Black as he showed me all the bikes and took me to meet people. I wasn't interested Black at all, but I didn't want to sit by myself at a party where I knew no one. Black began to ask me about myself and I asked him was he single.....this is when it got interesting.

He told me he wasn't single and that his girlfriend was back at home in Chicago. His girlfriend that he lived with.

WAIT, WHAT???

At that point I was making my exit. But before I could B Real came to me to tell me one more time that if I had a good time and gave out my number, I didn't need to talk to him anymore.

Then he called me Kim.

WHAT?????

My name is NOT Kim. I told him and his response was, "I've been drinking."

Black walked me to my car and that was that.

The next morning he thanked me for coming and said that if I gave out my number it was cool.

WHATEVER!!

I reassured him that I wasn't thinking about that dude. A week later he came to my church and we had a proper date. He said it was his way of redeeming himself. We went to Applebees after church.

But, church was a little confusing....he didn't let me know that he was there (I'm in the balcony on Sunday working multi-media) and when service was over instead of coming to find me he was leaving. I had to run out the building to catch him. And then he acted like we didn't make plans to meet after church. So it was awkward again. He texted me to ask if we were meeting up. Why would he text that? I thought that was the plan, So we ate at Applebees. Then he left. Again it was awkward because I thought we were gonna spend more time together so I get this text about 20 min after he leaves saying that he wanted to spend more time with me. Then why did you leave? I don't understand.

So we text back forth and I told him that I could come to visit him since he came to see me. This is when I realized that he wasn't from Springfield. He lived in Homewood, IL.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH GUYS MISREPRESENTING THEMSELVES?

I liked him but how was this gonna work? So I didn't pay too much attention to him until he called me the next Sunday, "Tell that n*gga, that his time is up?" Basically, he thought that I was seeing someone else because I wasn't really talking to him. Really, I wasn't talking to him because there wasn't much chemistry and he lived in Homewood and I didn't like the fact that his profile said Springfield. Was he trying to just meet someone for the party?

I really think that was the case.

He's a part of this motorcycle group and they have meet ups all over the country. He could just be changing his profile for all the cities that they visit.

So here it is a weeks later and I am in a blah mood concerning him.

To Be continued......

All The Men I'm Dating

The title of this post is deceitful. I'm not dating a lot of men....

I had a dating profile in POF and I’m talking to several different men. So here is a run down of the guys:

CB: I’ve know CB since 2005. I don’t really know him, but we met in 2005. His brother, MisicBox, and I were really good friends. We hung out all the time. When he talked about his brother, CB, there was always a tinged of rivalry going on. So I meet CB on the dating app and he tells me he’s always had a crush on me. Wow. I didn’t know that. But I’m interested. I mean, I was never interested in MusocBox which makes this situation kind of weird. The issue with CB is we don't talk. Over the few weeks that I've tried to get to know him, I've gotten a little annoyed with him. There is no natural conversation. Long awkward silences. What does that mean?

Another annoying thing...he doesn't pronounce my name correctly and he is very sexually flirtatious.

If you are going to be suggestive and flirt that way with me, at least pronounce my name correctly. This is a great turnoff. It all began when he started a game of truth and dare through text. I guess this was his way of trying to get me to talk about sex. My questions were really trying to get to know who he was. His questions were about sex. Had I thought of him sexually? The answer was emphatically, "NO," because I truly had not. I mean he reminds me so much of Musicbox that it's weird thinking about him sexually. I was NOT attracted to Musicbox and he looks like him so why would I be attracted to him. He personality and the way he was acting made it worse.

The other thing that annoyed me was him over inflating himself.

He said he was retired. He's 38.

WHAT?

Retired means you DO NOT work at all. You hang out and do what you want to do all the time. Not make money because you HAVE money. Which is not what he's doing in North Carolina or South Carolina or wherever he is...I can't keep up. He's there working because he doesn't  have any money to get back to Illinois. Which is odd....it doesn't seem like he live in Illinois. It seems like he lives in the Carolinas. I mean he's been there since the end of July and its not mid September. So I think he's a little confused. He IMO'd me and he was making kissy faces when I told him goodbye. It was gross...not sexy at all. Yuck!!

To be continued....