1. My heart for God and His kingdom
2. My desire to do the will of God every day
3. My desire for prayer
4. My desire to read and study His word
5. Restore you spirit within me
6. A clean heart
7. A renewed mind
8. Innocence
9. Purity
10. Motivation
Psalms 143:1--Here my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Monday, January 8, 2018
Your Time Is Up
I don't watch award shows, but I did catch the highlights of Oprah in her speech and she said, "Your Time Is Up."
That's all I needed to hear. God has been saying this to me.....For some reason I have not been able to bring myself to type #MeToo and post it online. My case is a little different from the sexual harassment or sexual assault that many women have endured for years.
I was molested....by a cousin....and it led to incest with my sister until I was in the fourth grade.
I understand that #MeToo has been used to encompass all sexual abuse, but for me I didn't classify it or I didn't put in the same category. Yea, yea, I went to my situation with Price and Musicbox, and those are classified in that category, but the molestation and incest that I endured wasn't forced. It was kids who didn't know what they were doing, having sex with each other.
I was talking to the Golfer and he told me about a girl who was having sex at 12. I asked him how did that girl know what she was doing at 12? Who told her what sex was? Who showed her that? He even told me about him having sex and being sexualized as early as age 10. That boggles my mind because I had no clue what "sex" was even though I was doing it. I just knew that at night we would do this thing that felt good. I don't recall an orgasm or penetration, just oral sex that felt good. As a matter of fact I told the Golfer that I didn't have an orgasm from sex until I was 19 and he was shocked. And that is true. Yes, I masturbated for years and had orgasms, but having normal sex with a guy never produced an orgasm until I was 19.
Anyway, I say all this to say that #MeToo fit but it didn't. And I was frustrated with all the women and the boldness that was happening because I was shamed for standing bold and telling. And I carried that shame for many years. I still feel shame because when the Golfer and I was talking, I was able to tell him about Price and Musicbox, but not about the molestation. This is a guy that talks to a lot of women and they tell him so much and when he asks me questions I answer, but I don't usually offer my stories. But he makes me comfortable which reminds me of Mister. Mister is the ONLY man that I've told my secret to.
So I've lived with this for years and I've allowed it to burden me for years and I've accepted it as my cross to bear. I mean if I have to suffer anything I guess I want it to be this (not that I would chose, but that I know the ramifications of this and any new burden will be even more of a burden).
But, I do want to LIVE AGAIN and I DO WANT TO HOPE AGAIN. And I DO WANT TO FIGHT for my faith to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.
At the same time.....
That's all I needed to hear. God has been saying this to me.....For some reason I have not been able to bring myself to type #MeToo and post it online. My case is a little different from the sexual harassment or sexual assault that many women have endured for years.
I was molested....by a cousin....and it led to incest with my sister until I was in the fourth grade.
I understand that #MeToo has been used to encompass all sexual abuse, but for me I didn't classify it or I didn't put in the same category. Yea, yea, I went to my situation with Price and Musicbox, and those are classified in that category, but the molestation and incest that I endured wasn't forced. It was kids who didn't know what they were doing, having sex with each other.
I was talking to the Golfer and he told me about a girl who was having sex at 12. I asked him how did that girl know what she was doing at 12? Who told her what sex was? Who showed her that? He even told me about him having sex and being sexualized as early as age 10. That boggles my mind because I had no clue what "sex" was even though I was doing it. I just knew that at night we would do this thing that felt good. I don't recall an orgasm or penetration, just oral sex that felt good. As a matter of fact I told the Golfer that I didn't have an orgasm from sex until I was 19 and he was shocked. And that is true. Yes, I masturbated for years and had orgasms, but having normal sex with a guy never produced an orgasm until I was 19.
Anyway, I say all this to say that #MeToo fit but it didn't. And I was frustrated with all the women and the boldness that was happening because I was shamed for standing bold and telling. And I carried that shame for many years. I still feel shame because when the Golfer and I was talking, I was able to tell him about Price and Musicbox, but not about the molestation. This is a guy that talks to a lot of women and they tell him so much and when he asks me questions I answer, but I don't usually offer my stories. But he makes me comfortable which reminds me of Mister. Mister is the ONLY man that I've told my secret to.
So I've lived with this for years and I've allowed it to burden me for years and I've accepted it as my cross to bear. I mean if I have to suffer anything I guess I want it to be this (not that I would chose, but that I know the ramifications of this and any new burden will be even more of a burden).
But, I do want to LIVE AGAIN and I DO WANT TO HOPE AGAIN. And I DO WANT TO FIGHT for my faith to believe that God will give me the desires of my heart.
At the same time.....
5778=2018
According to Apostle Rogers, 5778 is the Hebrew year for 2018. The number 5 means grace, the number 7 means completion and the number 8 is a new beginning. In the Hebrew culture the number 18 means Chai or Life. So altogether the numbers mean LIFE.
2017 was a year of reformation and in 2018 God wants to transform what was into what will be and I have received the word that it is time to LIVE AGAIN!!
Isaiah 43:18-19.
Everything God promises to us, we must engage. I must embrace the new horizon.
1. Take the time to hide away with God. Give God priority in the business of my life. He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him. James 4:8
2. Establish a bold prayer life. Seek wisdom from God. Proverbs 19:18.
3. Start over. Ask God to restore lost promises in my life. Old things have passed away and all things have become new. Proverbs 21:21.
4. Let it go. Clean out all of yesterdays hurs and disappointments, and pains. Proverbs 27:19
5. Change my language. Declare in my life that the old is gone and God is doing a new thing. Proverbs 18:21
6. Make the Lord's words, my words. Ezekiel 3:1-3, 10. Jeremiah 15:16
7. Write down areas I am believing God to restore. Habakkuk 2:2-3
8. Be a giver. It rebukes the devourer. When I sow seeds it produces a harvest. 2 Corinthians 9:6
These are the beginnings of the days of acceleration--gaining speed in a short period of time. Deuteronomy 28:1-14.
2017 was a year of reformation and in 2018 God wants to transform what was into what will be and I have received the word that it is time to LIVE AGAIN!!
Isaiah 43:18-19.
Everything God promises to us, we must engage. I must embrace the new horizon.
1. Take the time to hide away with God. Give God priority in the business of my life. He will draw near to me as I draw near to Him. James 4:8
2. Establish a bold prayer life. Seek wisdom from God. Proverbs 19:18.
3. Start over. Ask God to restore lost promises in my life. Old things have passed away and all things have become new. Proverbs 21:21.
4. Let it go. Clean out all of yesterdays hurs and disappointments, and pains. Proverbs 27:19
5. Change my language. Declare in my life that the old is gone and God is doing a new thing. Proverbs 18:21
6. Make the Lord's words, my words. Ezekiel 3:1-3, 10. Jeremiah 15:16
7. Write down areas I am believing God to restore. Habakkuk 2:2-3
8. Be a giver. It rebukes the devourer. When I sow seeds it produces a harvest. 2 Corinthians 9:6
These are the beginnings of the days of acceleration--gaining speed in a short period of time. Deuteronomy 28:1-14.
Show Me Your Mind And I'll Show You Your Future
It is so true....
As a man thinkers in his heart, so is he.....
That's what the scripture says and God has said that for over 2000 years. Now we have The Secret that basically says the same thing. Also, Earl Nightingale was famous for his positive thinking theory. I've been working on my thinking and my mental health. The devil has always bombarded my mind with negativity about myself and others, however, I thank God for His word that is able to combat all of the lies.
So as the year closes I want to get my mind focused on what is to come in 2018!
As a man thinkers in his heart, so is he.....
That's what the scripture says and God has said that for over 2000 years. Now we have The Secret that basically says the same thing. Also, Earl Nightingale was famous for his positive thinking theory. I've been working on my thinking and my mental health. The devil has always bombarded my mind with negativity about myself and others, however, I thank God for His word that is able to combat all of the lies.
So as the year closes I want to get my mind focused on what is to come in 2018!
Friday, December 15, 2017
Happy Belated Thanksgiving
I was tired this year so I didn't travel for Thanksgiving. I stayed home, cooked, cleaned and enjoyed solitude. Around 11am I got a text....
"Happy Thanksgiving."
It was from Mr. Ohio.
I texted back, "Happy Thanksgiving, friend."
I thought that was it, but later on I got another text.
"Miss you."
Oh boy.....here we go. This is frustrating because I had moved on. I mean, he displayed to me that he didn't want me so why hang around. I prayed and told God that I needed to move and and I needed an alternative and in walks the Golfer.
As the day went on all I could wonder was, "what in the world does he want?"
He then text, "I'll be home until Wednesday."
Huuuuhhhhhhhhh.............
I didn't really respond, but the seed was planted.
On Sunday I texted him, "Wyd?"
He responded that he was in the hospital and that he had a heart attack on Saturday night.
My heart was beating and I began praying for him. I actually was praying for him on Saturday when we had prayer at church and I had been feeling death.
How do you feel death?
I don't know, I just feel like death was somewhere. Then Saturday morning I got a call that my uncle was in the hospital because he was urinating blood. So I thought that the death that I was feeling was my uncle. Well, it turned out that my uncle was not actually urinating blood and he was fine.
So when I got the news from Mr. Ohio, I realized it was him that I was feeling.
He was in Chicago and had been shopping. He went to the gym that evening. After working out, he felt light headed and dizzy and fell. He got some gatorade and was able to make it to his car. But then he felt pain down his left side. He drove himself to the hospital. One of his arteries was 100% blocked. They put a stent in and told him he needed to take blood pressure and cholesterol meds. They put in another stent because another artery was partially blocked.
He would not allow me to come to Chicago, but I called him and we video chatted.
He wanted to see my boobs *hand slaps forehead*
When he got back to town I went to see him. He wanted to have sex. Well, he wanted to pleasure me, but I was so far gone from that. I mean, you just had a freaking heart attack and you are thinking about sex.
WHAT??
So I told him no and he wasn't pleased. He grabbed me as I was walking out the door and hugged me and groped me. His hands and kisses felt really good. But, that wasn't my purpose. I wasn't trying to have sex with him.
I went to see him a few days later and he wanted me to spend the night.
OMG!!!
I refused. I removed his hands from between my legs and he was upset when I left. He was so upset that he didn't even want to walk me to the door.
WOW.
A few days before I had a conversation with him and asked him what he wanted. He said he didn't want to "label" anything. So I understood that to mean that he just wanted a casual relationship and whatever happens happens.
Well, that's not me. I'm not into being cavalier about relationships. Either it's heading towards marriage or its not. And if it's not, then I'm not gonna waste my time. I'm not wasting my pretty on someone who doesn't want me. He called me sensitive because of my stance.
So, here I am on his sofa rejecting his advances and he's getting upset and throwing a tantrum like a little boy because I don't want to open my legs for me.
Who does he think I am? My P*$$y don't belong to you!!!!!
So I sent him a text asking if he wanted to hang out a few days later.
"If you didn't act brand new. No thanks. I'm good," was his response. Basically, he was still having a tantrum.
Oh wow.
So sent him a video message saying basically that I wasn't into casual sex because I"m too emotional and I didn't want my heart broken again. He responded by saying he was confused and that he was upset because he thought it was unfair of me to "change the game."
I told him that I never changed that game and that I was never into casual sex. I explained to him that when we met I immediately liked him which was unsual and that I didn't realize that all he wanted was casual sex until after the fact (after we had sex) and that by then I was smitten and when he stopped talking to me I was heart broken, but I moved. He understood and that closed that door.
So that has been part of my holiday season.
"Happy Thanksgiving."
It was from Mr. Ohio.
I texted back, "Happy Thanksgiving, friend."
I thought that was it, but later on I got another text.
"Miss you."
Oh boy.....here we go. This is frustrating because I had moved on. I mean, he displayed to me that he didn't want me so why hang around. I prayed and told God that I needed to move and and I needed an alternative and in walks the Golfer.
As the day went on all I could wonder was, "what in the world does he want?"
He then text, "I'll be home until Wednesday."
Huuuuhhhhhhhhh.............
I didn't really respond, but the seed was planted.
On Sunday I texted him, "Wyd?"
He responded that he was in the hospital and that he had a heart attack on Saturday night.
My heart was beating and I began praying for him. I actually was praying for him on Saturday when we had prayer at church and I had been feeling death.
How do you feel death?
I don't know, I just feel like death was somewhere. Then Saturday morning I got a call that my uncle was in the hospital because he was urinating blood. So I thought that the death that I was feeling was my uncle. Well, it turned out that my uncle was not actually urinating blood and he was fine.
So when I got the news from Mr. Ohio, I realized it was him that I was feeling.
He was in Chicago and had been shopping. He went to the gym that evening. After working out, he felt light headed and dizzy and fell. He got some gatorade and was able to make it to his car. But then he felt pain down his left side. He drove himself to the hospital. One of his arteries was 100% blocked. They put a stent in and told him he needed to take blood pressure and cholesterol meds. They put in another stent because another artery was partially blocked.
He would not allow me to come to Chicago, but I called him and we video chatted.
He wanted to see my boobs *hand slaps forehead*
When he got back to town I went to see him. He wanted to have sex. Well, he wanted to pleasure me, but I was so far gone from that. I mean, you just had a freaking heart attack and you are thinking about sex.
WHAT??
So I told him no and he wasn't pleased. He grabbed me as I was walking out the door and hugged me and groped me. His hands and kisses felt really good. But, that wasn't my purpose. I wasn't trying to have sex with him.
I went to see him a few days later and he wanted me to spend the night.
OMG!!!
I refused. I removed his hands from between my legs and he was upset when I left. He was so upset that he didn't even want to walk me to the door.
WOW.
A few days before I had a conversation with him and asked him what he wanted. He said he didn't want to "label" anything. So I understood that to mean that he just wanted a casual relationship and whatever happens happens.
Well, that's not me. I'm not into being cavalier about relationships. Either it's heading towards marriage or its not. And if it's not, then I'm not gonna waste my time. I'm not wasting my pretty on someone who doesn't want me. He called me sensitive because of my stance.
So, here I am on his sofa rejecting his advances and he's getting upset and throwing a tantrum like a little boy because I don't want to open my legs for me.
Who does he think I am? My P*$$y don't belong to you!!!!!
So I sent him a text asking if he wanted to hang out a few days later.
"If you didn't act brand new. No thanks. I'm good," was his response. Basically, he was still having a tantrum.
Oh wow.
So sent him a video message saying basically that I wasn't into casual sex because I"m too emotional and I didn't want my heart broken again. He responded by saying he was confused and that he was upset because he thought it was unfair of me to "change the game."
I told him that I never changed that game and that I was never into casual sex. I explained to him that when we met I immediately liked him which was unsual and that I didn't realize that all he wanted was casual sex until after the fact (after we had sex) and that by then I was smitten and when he stopped talking to me I was heart broken, but I moved. He understood and that closed that door.
So that has been part of my holiday season.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Life Is So Messy....Deal With It
So I've been bothered since I've gotten the comments from Mr Golfer. I'm just not good with confrontation. There are people who are natural fighters and then there is me.....I hunker down and cower. But, as I'm getting older I'm realizing that I have to fight. As a matter of fact because I am a Christian, I have signed up to fight.
There was a question in an interview that I had recently that asked me what I would do if I couldn't get along with someone that I was working with. I told them that the old me would have been passive aggressive and would not have had the courage to deal with it, but the new me would confront the situation.
So that's what I did. I confronted the situation with Mr Golfer. We have different views and that's ok. Does that mean we can't be friends? I mean immaturity will say, "no" but we are two mature adults that can deal with this kerfuffle. We can deal with it.
But, I've been in my feelings all day. I've not been able to eat and then I've been concerned about how this will go. I'm sure he's defensive and that's never a good way to have a conversation. But we will have a grown up conversation about it.
*UPDATE*
We talked and surely he was offended. I mean he sent the post to his sister and she agreed with him. He was particularly upset about the "rape" comment. And he asked me why I added that. I told him that I added it because he mentioned it.
We hashed it out and as we were talking he sent the post to two women friends. They agreed with me. From this he started seeing my point of view and things were slowly creeping back to normal. Since then we have gotten back to what I like about him...just chilling and having great convo. I'm glad that I have him as my friend.
There was a question in an interview that I had recently that asked me what I would do if I couldn't get along with someone that I was working with. I told them that the old me would have been passive aggressive and would not have had the courage to deal with it, but the new me would confront the situation.
So that's what I did. I confronted the situation with Mr Golfer. We have different views and that's ok. Does that mean we can't be friends? I mean immaturity will say, "no" but we are two mature adults that can deal with this kerfuffle. We can deal with it.
But, I've been in my feelings all day. I've not been able to eat and then I've been concerned about how this will go. I'm sure he's defensive and that's never a good way to have a conversation. But we will have a grown up conversation about it.
*UPDATE*
We talked and surely he was offended. I mean he sent the post to his sister and she agreed with him. He was particularly upset about the "rape" comment. And he asked me why I added that. I told him that I added it because he mentioned it.
We hashed it out and as we were talking he sent the post to two women friends. They agreed with me. From this he started seeing my point of view and things were slowly creeping back to normal. Since then we have gotten back to what I like about him...just chilling and having great convo. I'm glad that I have him as my friend.
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