Happy Belated Thanksgiving

I was tired this year so I didn't travel for Thanksgiving. I stayed home, cooked, cleaned and enjoyed solitude. Around 11am I got a text....

"Happy Thanksgiving."

It was from Mr. Ohio.

I texted back, "Happy Thanksgiving, friend."

I thought that was it, but later on I got another text.

"Miss you."

Oh boy.....here we go. This is frustrating because I had moved on. I mean, he displayed to me that he didn't want me so why hang around. I prayed and told God that I needed to move and and I needed an alternative and in walks the Golfer.

As the day went on all I could wonder was, "what in the world does he want?"

He then text, "I'll be home until Wednesday."

Huuuuhhhhhhhhh.............

I didn't really respond, but the seed was planted.

On Sunday I texted him, "Wyd?"

He responded that he was in the hospital and that he had a heart attack on Saturday night.

My heart was beating and I began praying for him. I actually was praying for him on Saturday when we had prayer at church and I had been feeling death.

How do you feel death?

I don't know, I just feel like death was somewhere. Then Saturday morning I got a call that my uncle was in the hospital because he was urinating blood. So I thought that the death that I was feeling was my uncle. Well, it turned out that my uncle was not actually urinating blood and he was fine.

So when I got the news from Mr. Ohio, I realized it was him that I was feeling.

He was in Chicago and had been shopping. He went to the gym that evening. After working out, he felt light headed and dizzy and fell. He got some gatorade and was able to make it to his car. But then he felt pain down his left side. He drove himself to the hospital. One of his arteries was 100% blocked. They put a stent in and told him he needed to take blood pressure and cholesterol meds. They put in another stent because another artery was partially blocked.

He would not allow me to come to Chicago, but I called him and we video chatted.

He wanted to see my boobs *hand slaps forehead*

When he got back to town I went to see him. He wanted to have sex. Well, he wanted to pleasure me, but I was so far gone from that. I mean, you just had a freaking heart attack and you are thinking about sex.

WHAT??

So I told him no and he wasn't pleased.  He grabbed me as I was walking out the door and hugged me and groped me. His hands and kisses felt really good. But, that wasn't my purpose. I wasn't trying to have sex with him.

I went to see him a few days later and he wanted me to spend the night.

OMG!!!

I refused. I removed his hands from between my legs and he was upset when I left. He was so upset that he didn't even want to walk me to the door.

WOW.

A few days before I had a conversation with him and asked him what he wanted. He said he didn't want to "label" anything. So I understood that to mean that he just wanted a casual relationship and whatever happens happens.

Well, that's not me. I'm not into being cavalier about relationships. Either it's heading towards marriage or its not. And if it's not, then I'm not gonna waste my time. I'm not wasting my pretty on someone who doesn't want me. He called me sensitive because of my stance.

So, here I am on his sofa rejecting his advances and he's getting upset and throwing a tantrum like a little boy because I don't want to open my legs for me.

Who does he think I am?  My P*$$y don't belong to you!!!!!

So I sent him a text asking if he wanted to hang out a few days later.

"If you didn't act brand new. No thanks. I'm good," was his response. Basically, he was still having a tantrum.

Oh wow.

So sent him a video message saying basically that I wasn't into casual sex because I"m too emotional and I didn't want my heart broken again. He responded by saying he was confused and that he was upset because he thought it was unfair of me to "change the game."

I told him that I never changed that game and that I was never into casual sex. I explained to him that when we met I immediately liked him which was unsual and that I didn't realize that all he wanted was casual sex until after the fact (after we had sex) and that by then I was smitten and when he stopped talking to me I was heart broken, but I moved. He understood and that closed that door.

So that has been part of my holiday season.

Life Is So Messy....Deal With It

So I've been bothered since I've gotten the comments from Mr Golfer. I'm just not good with confrontation. There are people who are natural fighters and then there is me.....I hunker down and cower. But, as I'm getting older I'm realizing that I have to fight. As a matter of fact because I am a Christian, I have signed up to fight.

There was a question in an interview that I had recently that asked me what I would do if I couldn't get along with someone that I was working with. I told them that the old me would have been passive aggressive and would not have had the courage to deal with it, but the new me would confront the situation.

So that's what I did. I confronted the situation with Mr Golfer. We have different views and that's ok. Does that mean we can't be friends? I mean immaturity will say, "no" but we are two mature adults that can deal with this kerfuffle. We can deal with it.

But, I've been in my feelings all day. I've not been able to eat and then I've been concerned about how this will go. I'm sure he's defensive and that's never a good way to have a conversation. But we will have a grown up conversation about it.

*UPDATE*

We talked and surely he was offended. I mean he sent the post to his sister and she agreed with him. He was particularly upset about the "rape" comment. And he asked me why I added that. I told him that I added it because he mentioned it.

We hashed it out and as we were talking he sent the post to two women friends. They agreed with me. From this he started seeing my point of view and things were slowly creeping back to normal. Since then we have gotten back to what I like about him...just chilling and having great convo. I'm glad that I have him as my friend.

Matt & Rachell 2017

How To Talk To Someone Without Offending Them

I sent Golfer a copy of this to read. I sent it to him on a defunct blog that I haven't used since 2012 because I'm not confident enough to share my thoughts with those close to me. He read the blogpost and was really offended. I assumed that he wouldn't like what I had to say. I also assumed that he would think that I was attacking him. My assumptions were correct. This is what he had to say:


The scorn teacher hiding behind the Aegis of her faith. Dear "teacher" I read your blog and my take away after reading it, is that you are going through UPS and downs like everybody on Earth, and probably feel like you have gotten the short end of the stick, concerning obtaining what you optimally want in a relationship (true God-fearing faithful loving husband). For starters the title of your blog could make you come off as a fatuous/scorn woman,(letter to the guy who wants to have sex with me) of which the title could be applied to any of the guys you listed based on what you wrote in this blog. You admit that you did not get a chance to elucidate some things with the golfer, because he had to get off the phone for whatever reason he told you, but instead of waiting and getting a better understanding from the golfer to some of your uncertainties that you had about him, you decided to post your thoughts on social media (blog). And recklessly used words (rapist) that could be on Letter To The Guy Who Wants to Have Sex With Me

No constructive criticism just appears you are taking the time to vent by assassinating the characters of the MEN that you have chosen to allow in your life (free will). Not sure why you felt compelled to explain to your reading audience and explained "No,Mr.Golfer is not a rapist and I believe that is he respectable when it comes to how he treats women". But yet your title of this blog alone contradicts your explanation on how you believe he is respectable to women (to you). But I will give you a little credit for using Alias to describes all of male encounters from somewhat protecting them for erroneously being infamous of a one-sided short story from you. if you were more assiduous in your thoughts I felt you could have came up with a more fair title but that's just my own personal opinion. Then you start listing off all what i felt like you were describing failed relationship with men that you have encountered over a period of time. Which in my opinion came off as male bashing on Letter To The Guy Who Wants to Have Sex With Me

They feel that they're doing all the right things and that there are entitled to meet a congenial person serendipity. A lot of people try to hide behind their belief system because of their insecurities of not wanting to face the music. I always find it interesting when someone says they are practicing celibacy after so many years of not practicing celibacy I had a lot more to post but it got lost when i was trying to upload it to your blog. This is just a summarization of my original thoughts that got lost. My advice to you is try to be sensible and careful what you post about a person that you had engagement with. try to gather as much factual understanding from that person before you post things on social media. I am sure you would appreciate the same if someone was posting something about you. you would want it to be factual as possible. Good luck to you on Letter To The Guy Who Wants to Have Sex With Me

So, am I a woman scorned? I admit I am in a little ..... because of my relationship status. Which I do say in the post (I say that I am still healing.) Am I hiding behind religion? No, I love God and NOTHING will change that!! Do I want to have an open dialog about sex and relationships so that the people that I meet can better understand who I am, Yes!!

I sent Mr Golfer and apology for offending him. I told him that I shared this information with him because I wanted to have an open dialog and that I thought I could talk to him about this. His tone was better and he agreed to have a conversation. 

Let's see how this goes......

For Your Glory

God has been so gracious to me. I thank Him for the grace and mercy shown towards me. I've learned some lessons in my life and that includes not taking God's glory. I was listening to Radiolab, a podcast, and the topic was, "Made in Marrow," which told the story of one man who's life was saved because of a bone marrow donor.

This man, I believe his name was Jim, had been a christian growing up, but along the way his faith was shaken. That is until he got his bone marrow donation. He shared his story and his renewed faith in God in his magic show. Also, during this time he encourages people to become a bone marrow donor. As his life was going on he was contacted by the person who donated marrow. From this meeting, he invited her to be apart of her show. Over time she has been apart of about a dozen of his shows. But she faced a dilemma....she was an atheist and she felt hypocritical in being apart of a show that promoted faith in God.

One of the things that struck me about the story was the fact that never once did they give glory to God. Yes, Jim acknowledged his faith, but it was always said that this women saved him. Which wasn't true. It was God that used the woman to save him. God always uses people when He wants to accomplish something in the earth and he uses whomever He will. In Joshua 2 God used a prostitute, Rahab, to save the spies from death. God even used Ruth, who was not a Jew to be in the lineage of Jesus. God uses people and we can't promote ourselves above God. The women, in the story was so frustrated with the situation that she tried to say that there was something bigger than God going on. When in fact, it was just bigger than her and because she didn't believe in God, she didn't know how to express this because no one was giving the glory to God. They were glorifying her.

It's easy sometimes to lose sight of the big picture when people are involved. And I've done that before, I've taken the shine instead of shining it back on God. And that's something that I don't every want to do again. All the glory belongs to God because without His breath I wouldn't be living.

I Love You But Not More Than God & Jesus

So I've been substitute teaching since the last week in October. When I got the assignment I knew it was a month long assignment at an elementary school, but I didn't know what grade, subject, etc.

I was elated when I found out it was music. I'm not a musician, but I'm musical. The first week we sang songs from youtube and danced around the room. One of the little girls came up to me after school and said, "I love you music teacher....but not more than God and Jesus." That warmed my heart!!  Watching the youtube videos got a little loud so this week I decided to let the students watch movies that were musical--Sing, Trolls, Moana, etc. All of these Disney, Dreamworks movies have cute singing scenes and the students seem to know all the words.  I've never watched these movies (I've been meaning too, but since I have no children, I never get around to it), so I'm surprised at how much I love them. One movie in particular has really hit home.

Some background....

A few weeks ago I was at Bible student and the subject was "Being Battle Ready." Basically saying that as Christians we have to know that the enemy (the devil) hates that we have decided to believe and follow Jesus, so his agenda is to defeat us in every area of our lives. Therefore, we have to consciously arm ourselves and stay ready for the fight. As she was teaching us, she said that some of us have been so beaten down so much and have fought so much and have failed so much (my words, not hers) that we don't trust God, we don't believe what God has said. As she was speaking, the words hit me and I began to get a little emotional because she was reading my life. I mean I've worked hard and fought hard and prayed and made advances, but success (what I feel as being success) in certain areas of my life has eluded me. And this year has especially been hard because I was defeated so much that I didn't feel like getting back up again. But as she was speaking I was thanking God that He cared enough to let me know that He understands where I am in life and that He won't allow me to wallow in the spirit of rejection. Because that's what happens when you give up.  You feel like God is not on your side, so why keep up the fight. And you give in to every thing that the enemy brings to you.

After the lesson she asked to pray for those who have been battling with the spirit of rejection and the rebellious side of me would not allow me to ask for prayer. As a matter of fact, my first thought was, "I ain't going up there...." Because I felt like, "what's the use?", which is another symptom of that spirit. I teetered tottered back and forth and I came up with the excuse that since I was working (I run the sound board) that I could just pray at my seat.

What I was going through at that moment reminded me of Naaman in 2 Kings 5. He was the commander of an army, but he had leprosy which was a death sentence (not literal death, but social death) in his day. He was told by the prophet to wash in the Jordan and his attitude was that of rejection. He felt like the prophet should have come down and conducted this grand gesture to heal him. He felt rejected so he didn't want to go. His servant had to talk some sense into him. What does it matter if it's the Jordan or some other river, if that's what it takes to be healed then why not do it? He came to his senses and was healed. There was another instance where lepers faced rejection in 2 Kings 7. There was famine in the land and they had two options--go into the city and risk imprisonment and death or sit at the gate and risk death. They chose to go into the city and found that no one was there. They were able to get everything they needed to survive.

So in that instance I allowed the spirit of rejection, along with rebellion and pride to overtake my mind. Yes, God can heal my heart anywhere, but this instance was about taking a bold stand against the enemy and saying that no matter what, "I won't give up" and at that moment I didn't have the strength to take a stand. Also, I was giving up on responsibility because when healing comes, you have to live and in living you have to fight. So I didn't want to make that decision to fight because "my arms are weak" and I've fought in the past and have lost. I mean I've fought a good fight and I've lost a lot of battles.

But, this is the thing....

I've got to change my mindset because I AM gonna lose some battles, but I WON'T lose the war!! That's if I can get past the spirit of rejection and believe God when He tells me that HE WILL FIGHT my battles. I don't have to fight. The ONLY thing I HAVE to fight for is MY FAITH (1 Tim 6:12) and just have the strength to STAND (Ex 14:13-14 & Eph 6:14-17). That's all I NEED strength for.....to stand and keep the faith. I was reminded of this as I was watching the movies with my elementary music students.

There is a scene in the movie Trolls, where Princess Poppy has fought hard to save her people. She gave it all she had facing death and destruction on every turn, but it was seemingly to no avail because all of her fighting caused her to have her entire tribe imprisoned. As they were all in captivity, waiting to be eaten, Poppy realized her failure and this darkness and sadness engulfed her. This darkness and sadness affected the entire tribe. Darkness spread everywhere.

OMG....I was sitting in the classroom holding back mega tears. I felt that sadness and darkness because that is what has gripped my heart over the past few months because I gave up the fight and compromised.....

As the scene unfolds Branch (who can be a representative of the Holy Spirit) comes to her aide and encourages her and gives her the strength to not give up. The scene was more dramatic because of the song being played....

In this scene God was showing me that I can't allow this spirit to continue in my life. The Holy Spirit is prompting me to hold on and fight for my faith. And that's what I'm doing!!

Here Comes The Bride

I had the cutest dream..... My sister and her husband were getting married....

Actually, my sister that I was dreaming about got married in Buffalo, NY in August, so I don't know why she was in my dreams, but this was the dream...

Pastor Riley was marrying my sister and her boyfriend. It was a small ceremony in his office. There were a few of us there to witness it and my nephew was there. That's why I think it's my other sister that is getting married because she and her boyfriend have a son. Anyway it was cute and I woke up smiling. I wish it was me!!