When only love....

My heart will sing how I love You!!

Long time, no post

There has been a lot going on, but I haven't been posting because ....well, there's a lot going on.

My sister moved in with me, then moved out.  Well, sort of moved out.  She called me one week and said that she hadn't been able to find a job in Ohio and that if she doesn't find something soon, she wanted to know if she could come stay with me...

Then a week later she called me to say she and her husband was on the highway coming my way.  I let them stay for about 2 weeks and then I believe they got a room at the motel for a few weeks.  Last week they came to get their things because they found a place to live.  I'm happy for them.

I'm still teaching GED.  I love it!!!!  My students inspire me!!!!

I've been holding on to my faith.  It's been difficult.  I got pretty lazy as far as reading my Bible and praying.  I really don't know what was going on, but it was like I was stuck in the mud.  The spirit was no where to be found, not in me, not around me, no where.  I HATED not feeling the spirit of God.  I HATE IT!!!  I need God EVERYDAY and when I can't feel it feels like I'm lost.  Like my lover has left me.  So for a while, I  was in that lonely state.  Not lonely as in I need a man, but lonely as in empty.  It was on Sunday that I felt a breakthrough.  However, on yesterday I slipped up a little....

Let me back up....

I was at the Y on Saturday morning and as I was walking in someone was calling out to me.  I just said, "Hey" and kept going, but the person kept talking.  So I turned and saw "Coach."  He was trying to talk to me from his car, but I wasn't going to run up to his, so I stood there.  He finally got the picture and got out the car.  We exchanged numbers.  We called me on Sunday morning and after church I went to his house.  He had a house full of people.  I left shortly after and later that night he texted me, "I'm hungry".  WHAT?  is what I was thinking!!  I took the bait and asked him what he wanted to eat.  He came over to eat.  We had a good conversation and it was about God and life.  I hid my TV so that forced us to talk which was not hard because he talks a lot.  After dinner he went to get his Connect 4 game and we played for about an hour.  He beat me badly, but it was fun.  He asked me if he could hug me, I told him "NO."  I wasn't that I didn't want to hug him, I just didn't want to be that close to him.  Coach is a man that I've been attracted to for a long time and I didn't want my flesh to mess up the blessing that I got from church that morning.

He told me that he wanted to be more than friends.  I told him that I didn't know if that's what I wanted.

He's a wonderful man, I just need him to be a man of God!  I need a man that prays and loves God!!  He doesn't like my church and I refuse to leave me church to go to his, so we have a problem.  Well, I haven't really talked to him since then.  He's pretty preoccupied.  I'm not sure how many children he has, but I think I counted 6.  That's a lot of children.  So, I know he stays busy at home.

I just don't want to jump into anything.  I want to take my time and get to know a person.

Anyway at church on last night, I made a mistake and didn't go up for prayer.  They called for anyone who doesn't speak in tongues.  I didn't go up.  I was embarrassed.  Stupid pride!!  I was also upset over something petty.  It was horrible.  When I got home from church I was horrified.  I was so upset that I didn't go up for prayer.  I need to spirit of God in my life.  I can't live without the spirit of God.  It makes me want to SHOUT.

God is Faithful

I've been praying for my baby sister.  So, I was grateful to get a phone call on Wednesday asking if she could stay with me because she was gonna be in town.  She got here on Wednesday, went to look for a job on Thursday and they told her to come to work on Monday!!!  THANK GOD!!!

Now, we just need to find her a place to live because she can't live with me and a cheap motel would cost a lot of money.  So, I'm praying that God come through.  I can't bear to see my baby sis sleeping in a car.  I know God will come through.

2am Phone Call

I am a member of the leadership team at my church.  I feel privileged to be apart of this group of people.  Therefore, we meet once a month and my pastor teaches us about leadership.  However, since my pastor will now starting a church in Florida, he has decided that it is a good thing that we meet once a week until the end of the year.

We met on yesterday and after the meeting we had a "come to Jesus" meeting because October is National Clergy Appreciation Month and only 5 leaders have given gifts that have been asked.  After that we met with the CEO of the NP that I volunteer at, so I didn't get home until after 11pm.  I was so tired, but I was also a little wired, so I read my Bible and didn't fall asleep until after 1pm.

Around 2am, I received a phone call.  At first I was a little confused because I thought I was dreaming.  Then the phone rang again and I answered.  It was one of the tenants in the other building.  She was upset because she had just gotten home from grocery shopping and upon entering the floor she smelled a strong odor.  She had a person with her and the person stated that she knew the smell and that it was the smell of someone smoking crack.

I told the tenant that I would be there in a minute.

I got to the building about 10 min later to an odor in the hallway, but my nose is not very sensitive, so I could not identify the smell.  It wasn't a bad odor, it was just an odor.  I called the police because I had no other choice.

The police showed up at around 3:20am.  I was exhausted.  We walked through the building, but could not detect any smell.  He let me know that I could call the police again if there are any other reports, but there was no evidence, so there was not much that could be done.

I thanked them for their time and went back to my apartment.  I was exhausted but I couldn't immediately fall asleep.  So it was after 4am before I fell back to sleep and it was at 6:30 am that my alarm went off.  I'm exhausted.  I have to go to church tonight, but I don't know if I'm gonna make it.  I'm so tired.

I didn't know Steve Jobs Died

I turned on the www this morning to an article on Steve Jobs on msn.com.  However, I just blinked past it and went on about my day of teaching.  I just got onto yahoo.com and Steve Jobs is everywhere.  WHAT???  I read the article and didn't realize until the end that they were talking about him in past tense.  WOW!!!

I've never been a fan of the apple computer, but if I had enough money, I would have an iphone and an ipad.

I pray peace to his family.

One Year Later!! 300th Post

It was the day after labor day, Tuesday, September 7, 2010. I turned in the keys to an apartment that I lived in for 6 years. I had no where to go, so I slept in my car -- for four months, I slept in my car.....through the heat of the an indian summer and the cold of the winter....I slept in my car....

As I'm writing this, there are tears streaming down my face....

It seems so long ago....

How can life get so bad that you don't have anyone to turn to for help? How can I be so embarrassed that I can't ask for help?

I'm a little overwhelmed because it's been a journey and as much as I want to move forward, life is still heavy. It's been a long year....I thank God for a roof over my head!! I thank God that he didn't leave me nor forsake me. I thank God for my friend Jenny who opened the door to allow me to have a place to sleep!!! I thank God for allowing me to be apart of a ministry of people who were able to pray for me and help me!!! I THANK GOD, I didn't lose my mind through all the mess that I've been through!!!

So, why am I "down in my spirit?"

I just spent about 3 hours talking to two women who were just released from prison--the two prisons that I'm gonna be volunteering at. They are struggling, but through their struggle, they are making it by the grace of God. I was with Steph, a good friend of mine who had also been to prison. She really ministered to those women. I saw her in a different light. She has so much fire for God, so much ferver for God...I guess I'm down in my spirit because God brought me out of the mess I was in and it seems like I still can't get it right....I don't spend time reading my Bible like I NEED and I don't pray like I NEED to, but I'm always asking God to get me out of something. I should be able to minister to someone with passion and pray for them fervently, but I can't. I'm so clouded with my life, that I can't get passionate about God like I NEED to be.... What is wrong with me? God has been SO GOOD to me. Instead of me running for my life and doing all I can to "get up" I'm slothful...I'm still holding on to old stuff--my past is still haunting and tormenting me. My mind is still back there. Didn't God free me?

I was just reading about the children of Israel. They were enslaved by the Egyptians--day and night, they had to serve the Egyptians. Their children were born into slavery. They were not their own. They cried unto God for help and He heard them. God created Moses to deliver them. That's why Moses was born--to deliver the children of Israel so that they could serve God. Pharoah put up a fight before letting them go, but eventually he told them to leave. After they left, God hardened Pharoah's heart because He wanted them to know that He, the almighty God, is the one that loved them enough to deliver them so they wouldn't go back. So as they were crossing the Red Sea, Pharoah and his army, instead of looking at the miracle of the sea being parted, decided to come after them causing their demise. That in itself is enough to be happy about, but this is what really got me...

"God delivered Israel that day from the oppression of the Egyptians. And Israel looked at the Egyptian dead, washed up on the shore of the sea, and realized the tremendous power that God brought against the Egyptians." --Exodus 14:29-31 The Message Bible. 

That day, at the breaking of day, God delivered them and they didn't have to see the Egyptians anymore!!

I should be happy right now because God has delivered me, but just like the children of Israel, instead of going on to serve God--He performed miracle after miracle during their exodus from Egypt and they were free.

Physically they were free, but their mind was still in bondage. They murmured and complained and eventually God got tired and instead of them getting to their promised land, the parents died in the wilderness. They were free, but they died without seeing their dream. God gave their dream to their children. I don't want to die without seeing my dreams come true. I've got to get the bondage out of my mind. I GOT TO!!! God has been too good to me and life is too good for me not to be happy!!!

Talking to those women and listening to Steph has motivated me to take advantage of my freedom....Thank God for freedom!!! So, instead of sitting hear being overwhelmed and in a funk, I'm gonna thank God and move into my future!!! I have purpose for my life and the will of God will be done!!!!

The worst part is over....I'm not in bondage anymore.


                      

Happenings

I had to go to the IYC in St. Charles on yesterday to take a drug test. The NP I volunteer at provides life skills classes at two of the women's prisons and my boss wants me to help with the classes. Part of the volunteer application process for the prisons is a drug test. I was a little baffled that I had drive that far, despite the fact that the prison I'm going to volunteering at is 45 minutes away, but I went anyway. It was a nice drive. Thank God my car made it. It's been making some type of rattling noise.

I NEED MONEY TO GET IT FIXED.

 When I pulled up and saw the barbed wire at IYC, which is a maximum security juvenile detention center for males ages 13-20, I was a little apprehensive. I briefly worked at a center for juvies for about 9 months, but it was nothing like this. This place housed over 300 males. Where I worked at housed no more than 20.

I had to be watched while I submitted my pee test. That was a a different experience--someone watching you pee, but it was necessary. I'm not sure what the next process it, but I'll call on Monday to let them know I complete my test.

GED classes have been going well. A few of my students have been dropping off. I've got to make some phone calls to see where my students are.

My weight gain is pathetic. I've got to get some health insurance so that I can get my hormones under control. I don't have money to pay to see a doctor. As a matter of fact, I owe my doctor some money, so I'm not sure if I can even get a new prescription for my thyroid hormone. Ugh!!!

 I need God to HELP MY MIND!!! I've got to get out of this state of mind, ASAP!!!

I've been moving my stuff out of storage, little by little. THANK GOD!!! I should have everything moved by the end of next week. No more storage fees!!!

I think my LINK card will be cut off. I'm not sure how much money I'm going to be paid, but I was paid over $500 gross on my last pay check. If my next pay check is that amount I will be cut off. I NEED THAT LINK CARD.

Dangit. My sister, Gayle*, called me to ask for money to get home. I told her that I would see if I could help her out when I get paid. I'm not sure if I will have enough money. I'll see. I haven't heard anything from the IRS job. I hope they don't audit me. That would suck because I don't have donations letters for the last two years.