"This is my confidence, you've never failed me yet...." (Do It Again-Elevation Worship)
I met this guy on POF....Let's call him Mr. Ohio. Went went to tacos at Applebees on July 30. I was actually gonna travel to go see him, but I was so tired that he came to Decatur. He looked different from his pics, but he was still attractive. After I left, I text him that I liked him. Not sure why and I was trying and trying to figure it out. Well anyway. we talked on the phone and made plans to hang out over the weekend. I was gonna see him on my way to Ohio, but he convinced me to come see him before and we had a wonderful time. Yes, we did the do and it was sweet. He made me a full breakfast and we made dinner together. As we were talking and getting to know each other, he revealed that he had a vasectomy.
Oh boy....not good. Especially since the night before, he said to me (while trying to convince me to have sex with him) "don't you wanna get pregnant?" What??? Why would you say that to me? Of course I wanna get pregnant!!!! But, that's not why we gonna have sex. OMG.
So, when he said that, I was kind of baffled....like why in the world would he say that if it was not just a ploy to have sex.
Anyway, times goes on and I'm thinking about him and I can't get him off my mind. But, I don't know why. I mean, he's not all that. I kept wondering if I was desperate. I mean, I am 40. God help me. On Friday we hung out again. I was thoroughly exhausted, but I wanted to see him. So I packed up and drove to see him. We had a nice night watching movies. Then off to bed where I refused to have sex with him, but gave in because I was so turned of.
Why did I do that?
He flipped the script and had me singing......
I don't think anyone has made me sing before?!
The next morning I was saying to him that I couldn't be with him and that he was gonna break my heart. Well, he agreed that he was a heart breaker and I told him I believe him. I mean, why say it if you don't mean it. I mean, you did say the thing about pregnancy when you know good and well, you can't reproduce. So I made it up in my mind that I wouldn't see him again.
I need a man who needs me and he doesn't need me. I mean, he's been married. His ex-wife has 3 children and he still looks at them as his children. What do you want me for? And he's spoiled. He thinks he can get everything he wants.
So, when he called me today I just told him that I thought we wanted two different things and that I don't think it would work out between us. He didn't do much to convince me otherwise. so I broke up with him.
And now my heart is hurt because I was really into him. I mean, he is the guy that I want to love. My dad says to marry up and he's up. I mean...he's way up there and he would upgrade me and I would want to meet his standards, but I don't right now which makes me so insecure. I mean...I am a wreck right now and if I showed him who I was, he wouldn't want me anyway, so it's better this way.
OMG....God help me, please!!!
Monday, August 14, 2017
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
How Do Miracles Happen?
I was working out of town on Friday and I got a call from my cousin Toni, "Phillip is in the hospital, he coded, I need you to call everyone..."
"Huh, what? WHO is in the hospital?" I was saying nervously. I was working in rural Illinois so my AT&T connection was not very strong so I didn't hear her correctly or at least I didn't think I heard her correctly.
"I gotta go, call everyone," she said as she hung up.
I was confused and disoriented. "Who did she say? I think she said Phillip, but would he be in the hospital?" I was thinking to myself. I went back to the car to try to make sense of what she was saying. I was trying to figure out who to call to get more information. I mean...Phillip is our 31 year old cousin. Why would he be in the hospital.
I called my aunt.
"What's going on?" I asked calmly.
"Phillip is in the hospital, he coded and we are on our way up there," she said.
I don't remember much else of what she said. My heart started hurting. I remember crying and calling my brothers and sisters. I was confused trying to drive. I had to pull over in a gas station parking lot to compose myself and to pray.
All I could do was pray and pray is what I did.
I was trying to make sense of the day. What in the world was going on? So I prayed....I called my friend to tell her that I would be back in town to drop off her keys and I told her what happened. I called another church friend to let him know that I wouldn't be at church that night and I told him what was going on. I was trying to think.
I called my Apostle's wife and left her a message. I'm not sure how long I sat, but then I began to replay my morning...
I had just listened to a man give his account of dying from being shot 5 times. He thought someone turned the lights out because it was really dark, but they pronounced him dead. He had tag on his toe and he was in the morgue. When the lights came on he opened his eyes. He was trying to figure out where he was...he was on a steel table and he was naked. Then he saw a man standing over him with some type of equipment. He asked the man what he was getting ready to do. The man ran out the door. So the guy on the steel table gets up and walks out the room down the hallways. People are staring and the doctors try to talk to him and tell him that he needs to stay in the hospital. They were all amazed and not really sure about what to do because he had been shot 5 times, pronounced dead, and now he's up walking and wants to go home.
Well, they let him go because he lived down the street. He makes his way home and his daughter answers the door and faints. The man starts to yell and his wife comes into the room, sees him and she faints. He's trying to figure out what is going on. His wife and daughter come to and they explain to him that he was pronounced dead. They saw him lying on the table.....DEAD. No heart beat. nothing. The man tells them that he's not dead now and he kissed the ground.
So as I'm crying to God for mercy and grace to not let my cousin die, I remember this story and I begin to reason with God about how it is that I just listened to this miracle and now my cousin is in a situation where a miracle is needed. I was praying to God for a miracle.
I got a phone call from my brother (after the text that said he has a heart beat but it is weak). My brother said he talked to the doctor and they found out that he had pulmonary embolism and a blood clot broke off and traveled to his heart. That's what stopped his heart. They revived his heart, put him on life support and had to put him into a coma to save his brain. A brain can't go long without oxygen.
There is hope, I thought. I kept praying while updating my family.
In the meantime my sister from Chicago and I were planning to drive home together, but we decided that since it sounds like he's getting better maybe we should not try to head there at that time, but wake up in the morning and start fresh.
We got a call around 8pm that he took a turn for the worse. We hit the highway. I got to the hospital at 3am. I went to my cousin's bed praying. I touched him and my insides started shaking. I didn't know what was going on in my body, but all I could do is pray and watch the monitors. His blood pressure was not good. I prayed and prayed. I went home around 4:30am.
To Be Continued...
"Huh, what? WHO is in the hospital?" I was saying nervously. I was working in rural Illinois so my AT&T connection was not very strong so I didn't hear her correctly or at least I didn't think I heard her correctly.
"I gotta go, call everyone," she said as she hung up.
I was confused and disoriented. "Who did she say? I think she said Phillip, but would he be in the hospital?" I was thinking to myself. I went back to the car to try to make sense of what she was saying. I was trying to figure out who to call to get more information. I mean...Phillip is our 31 year old cousin. Why would he be in the hospital.
I called my aunt.
"What's going on?" I asked calmly.
"Phillip is in the hospital, he coded and we are on our way up there," she said.
I don't remember much else of what she said. My heart started hurting. I remember crying and calling my brothers and sisters. I was confused trying to drive. I had to pull over in a gas station parking lot to compose myself and to pray.
All I could do was pray and pray is what I did.
I was trying to make sense of the day. What in the world was going on? So I prayed....I called my friend to tell her that I would be back in town to drop off her keys and I told her what happened. I called another church friend to let him know that I wouldn't be at church that night and I told him what was going on. I was trying to think.
I called my Apostle's wife and left her a message. I'm not sure how long I sat, but then I began to replay my morning...
I had just listened to a man give his account of dying from being shot 5 times. He thought someone turned the lights out because it was really dark, but they pronounced him dead. He had tag on his toe and he was in the morgue. When the lights came on he opened his eyes. He was trying to figure out where he was...he was on a steel table and he was naked. Then he saw a man standing over him with some type of equipment. He asked the man what he was getting ready to do. The man ran out the door. So the guy on the steel table gets up and walks out the room down the hallways. People are staring and the doctors try to talk to him and tell him that he needs to stay in the hospital. They were all amazed and not really sure about what to do because he had been shot 5 times, pronounced dead, and now he's up walking and wants to go home.
Well, they let him go because he lived down the street. He makes his way home and his daughter answers the door and faints. The man starts to yell and his wife comes into the room, sees him and she faints. He's trying to figure out what is going on. His wife and daughter come to and they explain to him that he was pronounced dead. They saw him lying on the table.....DEAD. No heart beat. nothing. The man tells them that he's not dead now and he kissed the ground.
So as I'm crying to God for mercy and grace to not let my cousin die, I remember this story and I begin to reason with God about how it is that I just listened to this miracle and now my cousin is in a situation where a miracle is needed. I was praying to God for a miracle.
I got a phone call from my brother (after the text that said he has a heart beat but it is weak). My brother said he talked to the doctor and they found out that he had pulmonary embolism and a blood clot broke off and traveled to his heart. That's what stopped his heart. They revived his heart, put him on life support and had to put him into a coma to save his brain. A brain can't go long without oxygen.
There is hope, I thought. I kept praying while updating my family.
In the meantime my sister from Chicago and I were planning to drive home together, but we decided that since it sounds like he's getting better maybe we should not try to head there at that time, but wake up in the morning and start fresh.
We got a call around 8pm that he took a turn for the worse. We hit the highway. I got to the hospital at 3am. I went to my cousin's bed praying. I touched him and my insides started shaking. I didn't know what was going on in my body, but all I could do is pray and watch the monitors. His blood pressure was not good. I prayed and prayed. I went home around 4:30am.
To Be Continued...
Grilled Cheese Restaurant
I just came back from California. My brother bought a plane ticker for my niece to come visit him, but he said he didn't take off work and she would be there for 10 days. My niece is 13. So I offered to come hang out with her and them for her vacation. But my trip wouldn't be 10 days, but only 7. And I didn't fly into San Diego I few into Las Vegas and rented a car to drive 5 hours to San Diego. My flight and rental car was about $500 and if I would have gotten a flight from Chicago or St. Louis to San Diego, it would have been about $600 and then I would have had to travel to St. Louis or Chicago, so I got a good deal.
We went to Coronado Beach, La Jolla Beach, and Mission Bay to go jet skiing. We also enjoyed the water park for a day.
When we went to L.A. we stayed in Hacienda Heights which is about 25 miles from LA, but with traffic it takes about 50 minutes to get to LA. We walked up to the Griffeth Observatory to see the Hollywood sign and then we walked down Hollywood Boulevard. Overall I had a wonderful time. I really don't need to visit LA again, but my family wants to go next year. So....we are going.
Anyway, there are so many good restaurants and the so much to see. I just saw billboard and billboard of ads for all types of shows and concerts. It was amazing. I have not been to NYC, but I'm always in Chicago and LA seems "more." I don't know if that describes it...I did find my way to Beverly Hills and I went to West Angeles on Sunday morning....
Create Your Own Visited States Map
We went to Coronado Beach, La Jolla Beach, and Mission Bay to go jet skiing. We also enjoyed the water park for a day.
When we went to L.A. we stayed in Hacienda Heights which is about 25 miles from LA, but with traffic it takes about 50 minutes to get to LA. We walked up to the Griffeth Observatory to see the Hollywood sign and then we walked down Hollywood Boulevard. Overall I had a wonderful time. I really don't need to visit LA again, but my family wants to go next year. So....we are going.
Anyway, there are so many good restaurants and the so much to see. I just saw billboard and billboard of ads for all types of shows and concerts. It was amazing. I have not been to NYC, but I'm always in Chicago and LA seems "more." I don't know if that describes it...I did find my way to Beverly Hills and I went to West Angeles on Sunday morning....
Create Your Own Visited States Map
Saturday, June 10, 2017
Dead Man Dream
I used to be a teacher. I taught 9th grade health and 12 grade career development. I loved being a teacher. I enjoyed my students. Every now and then I'd get a student that just didn't care for me. Sometimes I'd feel the same about that student or others.
I had a young man who was a 10th grader in my class and he just didn't care for me. He seemed (this is me judging what I knew about him) like the white, pickup trucker, confederate flag bearer sort of person. Not saying that pick up trucks are associated with confederate flags...But there was this "red neck" sort of vibe I got from him. He wasn't blatantly disrespectful, but I got the vibe.
Anyway, he passed my class and went on to graduate. All of my students whom I taught in their freshmen year during my first years of teaching are now in their mid20s. I see some them of and some are married and have children of their own. It makes me feel old to see that someone I knew at 14 is now a 25 year old with children.
Anyhow, on last year I saw a post on FB that this young man had died. My heart hurt. He was so young and picture they posted was beautiful. I am tearing up now thinking about it. He died right before Christmas last year. Heart breaking.
So, it was strange that I was dreaming and he was in my dreams. In the dream I was working and he was my partner and I was upset at him because he was doing things a little differently from me.
It was such an odd dream.
God, why am I dreaming about a dead man?
*Update*
I just read his obituary. He was an only child and he said passed before him. I think I remember his dad and mom visiting me for parent teacher conferences. In his obituary it said he was called "Farmer Brad." I can't imagine his mom losing her husband and then an only son. I pray for her mind, in Jesus' name. Amen.
I had a young man who was a 10th grader in my class and he just didn't care for me. He seemed (this is me judging what I knew about him) like the white, pickup trucker, confederate flag bearer sort of person. Not saying that pick up trucks are associated with confederate flags...But there was this "red neck" sort of vibe I got from him. He wasn't blatantly disrespectful, but I got the vibe.
Anyway, he passed my class and went on to graduate. All of my students whom I taught in their freshmen year during my first years of teaching are now in their mid20s. I see some them of and some are married and have children of their own. It makes me feel old to see that someone I knew at 14 is now a 25 year old with children.
Anyhow, on last year I saw a post on FB that this young man had died. My heart hurt. He was so young and picture they posted was beautiful. I am tearing up now thinking about it. He died right before Christmas last year. Heart breaking.
So, it was strange that I was dreaming and he was in my dreams. In the dream I was working and he was my partner and I was upset at him because he was doing things a little differently from me.
It was such an odd dream.
God, why am I dreaming about a dead man?
*Update*
I just read his obituary. He was an only child and he said passed before him. I think I remember his dad and mom visiting me for parent teacher conferences. In his obituary it said he was called "Farmer Brad." I can't imagine his mom losing her husband and then an only son. I pray for her mind, in Jesus' name. Amen.
Monday, June 5, 2017
The GRACE of God, The LOVE of God
I am in a time of reformation in my life. Things NEED to change so that I can move on and live out my destiny. But, I've been emotional and battling with my past relationships and hurts and pains. I was listening to Joyce Meyer today and all day I have been trying not to cry because what she was ministering was speaking to my spirit, but I have this wrestle going on....
Then I heard it here:
So, I thought I'd give it a try for myself. I mean, no one can love me like I can love me, right?
I bought a ring. I am toying with the idea of a ceremony or something special with a cake and music, but I bought the ring. And I love my ring.
I got up on Sunday and got dressed, went to church and as the service was starting I noticed that my ring was missing?
Oh my.....I bothered me for a little bit, but later on when I got home I found it in my bed. See, when I'm putting lotion on I take my ring off and somehow I just forgot to put it back on.
Well...today as I was working I went to the bathroom and got back into my car and went along my way. I made it to my second stop and realized my ring was missing. I got back into my car and went to the store where I used the restroom....no ring. I searched my car...nothing. Dag...the tears were starting to well up. But, I needed to finish working. I almost had a pity party and I almost was about to revert to some old ways...binge eating when I'm in a funk, etc, but as the woman of God was ministering. I held it together. I was a little teary, but I refused to cry.
Rewind a lil...
As I was working (before I lost my ring) I lost my favorite pen that I was using for my work. It's not a favorite pen that I use all the time, it's just my favorite TYPE of pen and I lost it. It bothered me and I loooked and looked for it, but it was gone. DANG. So I used another pen and went on about my day. After searching for my ring, it was like the pen just magically appeared.
WHAT???? Now I"m trying to figure out where the pen came from because I looked and looked.
So, I'm driving in the car and I just say a little prayer. I said to the Holy Spirit, that He knows where the ring is and I'm not gonna get upset about it because if it's God's will for me to find the ring, I will find the ring. Just like this pen just showed up, and it was lost and I like to use this pen, I will find the ring if it's the will of God. I was still a little teary and in the back of my mind I was thinking that I was gonna marry myself with this ring. Then I had a flashback of losing my 2 fav rings in the airport in St. Louis and not knowing it until I got all the way home....but I wasn't gonna let that get me discouraged. I just went on about my way working and as I drove I realized that I stopped one place after using the restroom. I went back to that place and searched the parking lot and low and behold I saw my diamonds and gold sparkling on the ground in the sunlight.
God just showed me His love and His grace.
Thank you God for the little miracles in my life. I will say this, not only did I pray my little prayer, I also prayed that whoever found the ring would be blessed because it was bought in love.....
So now I am definitely planning a marry myself ceremony!!
Anyway,
For my 40th bday I wanted to get a new tattoo, but I haven't found an artist so I decided to buy myself a ring. I've been preoccupied with marriage so to get that off my mind I heard of a concept that at first I thought was silly....Marrying Myself. I first heard it here:
Then I heard it here:
So, I thought I'd give it a try for myself. I mean, no one can love me like I can love me, right?
I bought a ring. I am toying with the idea of a ceremony or something special with a cake and music, but I bought the ring. And I love my ring.
I got up on Sunday and got dressed, went to church and as the service was starting I noticed that my ring was missing?
Oh my.....I bothered me for a little bit, but later on when I got home I found it in my bed. See, when I'm putting lotion on I take my ring off and somehow I just forgot to put it back on.
Well...today as I was working I went to the bathroom and got back into my car and went along my way. I made it to my second stop and realized my ring was missing. I got back into my car and went to the store where I used the restroom....no ring. I searched my car...nothing. Dag...the tears were starting to well up. But, I needed to finish working. I almost had a pity party and I almost was about to revert to some old ways...binge eating when I'm in a funk, etc, but as the woman of God was ministering. I held it together. I was a little teary, but I refused to cry.
Rewind a lil...
As I was working (before I lost my ring) I lost my favorite pen that I was using for my work. It's not a favorite pen that I use all the time, it's just my favorite TYPE of pen and I lost it. It bothered me and I loooked and looked for it, but it was gone. DANG. So I used another pen and went on about my day. After searching for my ring, it was like the pen just magically appeared.
WHAT???? Now I"m trying to figure out where the pen came from because I looked and looked.
So, I'm driving in the car and I just say a little prayer. I said to the Holy Spirit, that He knows where the ring is and I'm not gonna get upset about it because if it's God's will for me to find the ring, I will find the ring. Just like this pen just showed up, and it was lost and I like to use this pen, I will find the ring if it's the will of God. I was still a little teary and in the back of my mind I was thinking that I was gonna marry myself with this ring. Then I had a flashback of losing my 2 fav rings in the airport in St. Louis and not knowing it until I got all the way home....but I wasn't gonna let that get me discouraged. I just went on about my way working and as I drove I realized that I stopped one place after using the restroom. I went back to that place and searched the parking lot and low and behold I saw my diamonds and gold sparkling on the ground in the sunlight.
God just showed me His love and His grace.
Thank you God for the little miracles in my life. I will say this, not only did I pray my little prayer, I also prayed that whoever found the ring would be blessed because it was bought in love.....
So now I am definitely planning a marry myself ceremony!!
Friday, June 2, 2017
Just Another P*$$y
So I'm listening to Elna Baker talk about her journey to becoming a thin person. She is telling a very vulnerable story about losing 110lbs and how she compared her life from the time she was fat to now that she is skinny. She told the story of a guy that lived in her building she has spoken to him all the time when she was fat. But, then she got skinny and they went out. He didn't even remember who she was. She didn't tell him that they knew each other, and she dated him for 2 months before she realized that she couldn't be with him anymore.
As she was talking I got to thinking about my NOLA trip and how Casey hasn't said a word to me since that trip. I mean, I almost let him stick his dick in my and he can't even say the occassional "Hi, how are you?" So meeting me in NOLA wasn't to get to know me and to make a new friend, it was to get pussy. DANG.
I guess I'm thinking about this because I feel kind of lonely and it would be nice to make a friend, but I can't be friends with a guy who just wants to sleep with me.....I don't want to be just another pussy.
As she was talking I got to thinking about my NOLA trip and how Casey hasn't said a word to me since that trip. I mean, I almost let him stick his dick in my and he can't even say the occassional "Hi, how are you?" So meeting me in NOLA wasn't to get to know me and to make a new friend, it was to get pussy. DANG.
I guess I'm thinking about this because I feel kind of lonely and it would be nice to make a friend, but I can't be friends with a guy who just wants to sleep with me.....I don't want to be just another pussy.
Communication and Judgement
I thank God for showing me me. I need help with this life. As I've been planning my sister's baby shower, I have been quiet because my family can be so critical. I mean instead of being supportive they judge and make you feel so much like crap that I have just been keeping quiet. We are all on Marco Polo (except for my baby sis). And they have been on there asking questions. Granted I got a new phone and the app is on my old phone so I don't get the messages until late, but they would ask a question and I wouldn't get on to answer the. I really realized it when I told everyone that I would bea there on Sunday at 1pm but realized that it would be way later because I needed to stay at church longer. I should have just communicated and said, "Hey I'm gonna be at church, my plan is to be here at 1, but it may be later. " That would have been simple. I know that now, so I'm gonna open my mouth more so that people will understand what's going on.
On another note, my family is so judgemental and I hate it. So, the Bible says, Judge not, that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. God is the ultimate judge and when we judge people we put ourselves in the position of a god and we have no right because we are all sinners and we all have done wrong, so who are we to keep an account of what other's and done and we throw it back into their face just like a judge and was sentence them to what we want to sentence them to, not knowing that we deserve the same exact sentence. But, the thing about God is that He gives us GRACE and MERCY. We deserve DEATH for our wrong. Yes, the Bible says that the wages of sin is DEATH. So we deserve DEATH, but HIS GRACE and MERCY holds DEATH back so that we can have a chance to repent and accept His GRACE AND MERCY. That's what happens when we accept Christ. He showers us with His GRACE and MERCY. I NEED HIS GRACE and MERCY. So how dare we sit in the seat as a judge and condemn anyone to hell?! We have no right!!
And that's what's going on in my family.
On last year when we were all together (my mother's children) at my uncle's house I was in the house trying to go to sleep and my baby sister and her husband was trying to go to sleep too. And all we heard was our other brothers and sisters laughing and talking about our baby sister.
I FELT SO HURT for her because my whole life I had to sit and listen to my aunts and my grandmother talk back about my mother. They would laugh at her and make fun of her. My mother was the black sheep. And now her children were doing the same thing. While planning the baby shower I invited her and she sent me a nasty message about not coming. At first I was shocked because I didn't understand, but then I talked to my brother and he told me about the animosity between her and my other sister, but then I started to realize that it's more than that. My two sisters are both angry at each other, but my baby sister did'nt want to come because she feels like her whole family is against her, I wouldn't show up either if I had to sit and listen to my family talk back about me....while my husband was there!!
I don't care what a person has done, no one deserves that and my oldest brother who was on the people laughing and talking the loudest, know better. I mean he was ready to come home and cuss my aunts and uncles out for how we were treated when we were young and now he is doing the same thing to our baby sister. He should know better!!
On another note, my family is so judgemental and I hate it. So, the Bible says, Judge not, that you be not judged" Matthew 7:1. God is the ultimate judge and when we judge people we put ourselves in the position of a god and we have no right because we are all sinners and we all have done wrong, so who are we to keep an account of what other's and done and we throw it back into their face just like a judge and was sentence them to what we want to sentence them to, not knowing that we deserve the same exact sentence. But, the thing about God is that He gives us GRACE and MERCY. We deserve DEATH for our wrong. Yes, the Bible says that the wages of sin is DEATH. So we deserve DEATH, but HIS GRACE and MERCY holds DEATH back so that we can have a chance to repent and accept His GRACE AND MERCY. That's what happens when we accept Christ. He showers us with His GRACE and MERCY. I NEED HIS GRACE and MERCY. So how dare we sit in the seat as a judge and condemn anyone to hell?! We have no right!!
And that's what's going on in my family.
On last year when we were all together (my mother's children) at my uncle's house I was in the house trying to go to sleep and my baby sister and her husband was trying to go to sleep too. And all we heard was our other brothers and sisters laughing and talking about our baby sister.
I FELT SO HURT for her because my whole life I had to sit and listen to my aunts and my grandmother talk back about my mother. They would laugh at her and make fun of her. My mother was the black sheep. And now her children were doing the same thing. While planning the baby shower I invited her and she sent me a nasty message about not coming. At first I was shocked because I didn't understand, but then I talked to my brother and he told me about the animosity between her and my other sister, but then I started to realize that it's more than that. My two sisters are both angry at each other, but my baby sister did'nt want to come because she feels like her whole family is against her, I wouldn't show up either if I had to sit and listen to my family talk back about me....while my husband was there!!
I don't care what a person has done, no one deserves that and my oldest brother who was on the people laughing and talking the loudest, know better. I mean he was ready to come home and cuss my aunts and uncles out for how we were treated when we were young and now he is doing the same thing to our baby sister. He should know better!!
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